How to cope with extreme social anxiety?

[tesseract 369]

I'm on the spectrum and have experienced enough trauma it drove me "over the edge" for 6 months in 2019. Thankfully that resolved on its own without intervention. However, over the past year-- having no responsibilities or obligations, and living in the middle of a national forest (without consistent transportation)-- I immersed myself in meditation. 

The social anxiety is bad. When I started meditating (a little over a year ago) I was on illicit substances and drinking a couple times a day to numb, but was able to titrate down until I no longer felt a need to use. The only thing is, now I'm incredibly uncomfortable in social situations; my body locks up, I experience racing thoughts breathwork doesn't touch, and after a negative interaction it takes at least half a day to reorient myself. I don't have any complaints about life besides this, since meditation helped overhaul everything else. 

Besides therapy, which I can't afford, what are good, sure-fire strategies of grounding in my body when I feel utterly overwhelmed? TIA

[Leo Gura]

You go out and force yourself to socialize and actively relax and have fun while doing so.

[tesseract 369]

5 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You go out and force yourself to socialize and actively relax and have fun while doing so.

Any other ways of coping? lol

In all seriousness, I don't think I allow myself to have enough fun. Right now the only socializing I get to do is with my 72-yr-old grandma, which is fine, but frustrating. But I know you're right

[Yimpa]

Practice practice practice 

 

[Yimpa]

15 minutes ago, tesseract 369 said:

Any other ways of coping? lol

Don’t expect it to feel comfortable, especially if you’re not used to socializing. Allow the discomfort to be there without running away. 

If you’re feeling overwhelmingly discomfort, then you probably should practice in less challenging social interactions first. 

Know your baseline and work your way up from that. 

[Jacob Morres]

Mindfulness meditation and vipassana helps me the most. I love meditating during the day and also during conversations, this helps a lot 

Also for me, some of my social anxiety stemmed from an inferiority complex - so doing a lot of journalling and challenging and changing the self image helped a lot (affirmations + visualizations) 

 

 

 

In terms of grounding in your body, there's this approach which my therapist recommended to me a while back. I've used it a few times, it's decent 

https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety.aspx

Edited July 28, 2023 by Jacob Morres

[hyruga]

Change your thinking change your life. 

[Raze]

Get ifs therapy 

[Psychic]

Find out what’s causing the social anxiety, then work on fixing those things. Treat those things like any other skill.

It takes knowledge, motivation, discipline, and practice to get good in any skill.

 

Watch leo’s introspection and the power of asking questions videos so you are able to find the root cause(s) of your social anxiety.

[Spiritedness]

@Leo Gura"Actively relaxing and having fun while doing so" sounds strange to me Leo. I'd say paradoxical too. How can you 'control' this?

[Mormegil]

Can you explain more what exactly it is that causes the anxiety in those moments? what exactly is the thing you are stressed about / afraid of?

Just practicing alone might not be enough, depending on your case. I'm experiencing anxiety because of social phobia basically since I'm a child, so almost 30 years now and it I'm still struggling with exactly the same issues i had as a child. And obviously I got a lot of practice over the past decades but it still wasn't enough.

You really need to figure out what exactly causes the anxiety (for me it's the fear of embarrassing myself in front of others because i have a fundamental trust issue with other people and see them as bad and mocking me). So i figured out that part of my practice is actively changing my mindset of other people and to train myself to not see them as a threat.

Also you probably have to go into those social situations and not just "endure" them even though it's uncomfortable and then go home, that won't probably change anything. You have to really find joy in those social situations, even though your body / mind might tell you differently. The way i practice that is I put my focus outward away from my anxiety onto people by asking them a bunch of questions. What are they doing, how are they, make them talk about anything and i pay attention to it and try to reply and give my comments. This hopefully reprograms the mind that social interactions are actually totally normal and can actually be fun. Also in those situations i constantly actively watch my stomach area (this is where my anxiety always hits) and constantly relax it when it tightens up. It's alot of work and needs alot of energy and attention, but in the long run it'll be the only thing helping. Also dont overdo it with your practice. This will be super exhausting to your body and you need periods of rest to recover.

Therapy is almost a must i would say to better understand it and to have someone guide you. Maybe you can save for it and do it only a few times. taking medication that make you relax in social situations really can give additional help, so that you then can practice easier those situations.

Lastly what you can do it tell people about your anxiety attacks when they get too strong. Tell them you don't feel comfortable and most people will be worried or show compassion. Talking about a problem like this already makes it a bit easier and most people actually would like to help you or make you feel comfortable.

In general the rule is dont try to fight or surpress your anxiety, you need to really let it happen and not hold back, so that eventually you will learn that there's nothing to be afraid of and it's all just imaginary fears your mind made up. This is probably the hardest part, but i think the main problem i made my entire life now is that even though i got tons of experience in social situations i always still fought and resisted that anxiety within me and never allowed it to just be there for a while (obviously thats the last thing one wants to do cause it's so uncomfortable). Also i never really tried to enjoyed social situations, i always basically wanted to go back home ASAP. All this lead to my anxiety lasting way too long and ruining really huge parts of my life, so don't do the same mistakes. You need to be smart about your practice. Maybe get a diary to write down details about your practice and yout progress. I hope that helps, I wish you all the best.

 

Edited July 28, 2023 by Mormegil

[Ulax]

@tesseract 369 Yoga nidra, somatic descent https://www.shambhala.com/somaticdescent/

[Anon212]

There is no magic pill. I had the same issue and this is what worked for me. I can recommend some books.

1) Learn to release emotional pressure (Book - letting go the pathway of surrender)

2) Develop self-esteem by showing yourself your capable which means you put yourself in those situation and just be anxious. It's exposure and it's good (Book - feel the fear and do it anyways)

3) What personally helped me a lot was kriya yoga, none of the other meditation worked for me but I learned Shambhavi from the Isha Foundation and this really made me into a more joyful person, I credit most of my anxiety release to this practice. It's incredible. But I've spoken to others who said it had minimal effect for them. So it's up to you.

4) I know you said you can't get therapy but you can try to figure it out. Make money, and get IFS therapy, IMO the most effective form of therapy right now and it seems like you have trauma trapped in your body which it will help with. This is really worth it.

5) Try hatha yoga, again this is great for releasing bodily trauma very subtly. Try it out. 

6) Get the fundamentals right, eat mostly good foods, exercise regularly, have a solid sleeping pattern.

7) Spend more time in flow state. That is spend more time doing deep work. It doesn't matter actually if you are watching a movie or speaking with someone or working be totally involved and you'll see you won't even notice how you feel.

8) Actually this goes back to therapy. I suspect you have shame and guilt based anxiety. You don't believe you are good enough. You think you are a fraud etc... go to IFS therapy and heal yourself. 

I'm sorry to break it to you but it ain't going to be easy. This is a process and in a weird way you can enjoy it. Don't rush yourself. Be patient and to be quite honest when you put yourself in situations where you are anxious you have to be willing to look like an idiot. Your anxiety will make you tremble, mumble your words, twitch, and so on. I've experienced this especially with women. I've worked on it for six years. Now you can put me with 10 hot girls alone and I won't even flinch ?

There's a lot there but if you do this stuff, not only will your anxiety be transformed, your while damn life will be transformed. Stick to it for a few years. (On the side, I have had friends for whom one trip on DMT obliterated their anxiety forever but I think this is too dangerous for most, I just had to say it because it's something different)

 

Edited July 28, 2023 by Anon212

[LSD-Rumi]

17 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You go out and force yourself to socialize and actively relax and have fun while doing so.

I don't think just going out and socializing eliminates social anixety. Social anxiety is deeply rooted in social fears in the subconscious mind. It is required to face these fears through some kind of contemplation too. Socially anxious people tend to have massive social fears in the subconscious mind.

 

Edited July 28, 2023 by LSD-Rumi

[Rigel]

Accept that you are socially anxious. Like, go out and stand there in the middle of the place observing your awkwardness.

Go: "Woaw that's how it feels to be socially anxious! Far out!"

Accept you anxiousness so much that there's no more need to get rid of it.

[tesseract 369]

On 7/27/2023 at 11:13 PM, Mormegil said:

Can you explain more what exactly it is that causes the anxiety in those moments? what exactly is the thing you are stressed about / afraid of?

Just practicing alone might not be enough, depending on your case. I'm experiencing anxiety because of social phobia basically since I'm a child, so almost 30 years now and it I'm still struggling with exactly the same issues i had as a child. And obviously I got a lot of practice over the past decades but it still wasn't enough.

You really need to figure out what exactly causes the anxiety (for me it's the fear of embarrassing myself in front of others because i have a fundamental trust issue with other people and see them as bad and mocking me). So i figured out that part of my practice is actively changing my mindset of other people and to train myself to not see them as a threat.

Also you probably have to go into those social situations and not just "endure" them even though it's uncomfortable and then go home, that won't probably change anything. You have to really find joy in those social situations, even though your body / mind might tell you differently. The way i practice that is I put my focus outward away from my anxiety onto people by asking them a bunch of questions. What are they doing, how are they, make them talk about anything and i pay attention to it and try to reply and give my comments. This hopefully reprograms the mind that social interactions are actually totally normal and can actually be fun. Also in those situations i constantly actively watch my stomach area (this is where my anxiety always hits) and constantly relax it when it tightens up. It's alot of work and needs alot of energy and attention, but in the long run it'll be the only thing helping. Also dont overdo it with your practice. This will be super exhausting to your body and you need periods of rest to recover.

Therapy is almost a must i would say to better understand it and to have someone guide you. Maybe you can save for it and do it only a few times. taking medication that make you relax in social situations really can give additional help, so that you then can practice easier those situations.

Lastly what you can do it tell people about your anxiety attacks when they get too strong. Tell them you don't feel comfortable and most people will be worried or show compassion. Talking about a problem like this already makes it a bit easier and most people actually would like to help you or make you feel comfortable.

In general the rule is dont try to fight or surpress your anxiety, you need to really let it happen and not hold back, so that eventually you will learn that there's nothing to be afraid of and it's all just imaginary fears your mind made up. This is probably the hardest part, but i think the main problem i made my entire life now is that even though i got tons of experience in social situations i always still fought and resisted that anxiety within me and never allowed it to just be there for a while (obviously thats the last thing one wants to do cause it's so uncomfortable). Also i never really tried to enjoyed social situations, i always basically wanted to go back home ASAP. All this lead to my anxiety lasting way too long and ruining really huge parts of my life, so don't do the same mistakes. You need to be smart about your practice. Maybe get a diary to write down details about your practice and yout progress. I hope that helps, I wish you all the best.

 

I remember the moment my social phobia started, and can consciously trace that thread through the years. I was 7 (I'm 29 now). But it's the exact same experience, intensified each time. The more I think about it, the more certain I am I lost the ability to "mask"-- my body locks up and my voice bottoms out. It's like I have no control over the physical response. I realize I should have done therapy while I had insurance.

The other issue is, I live in the middle of a national forest 6 miles from a bus stop, don't have transportation so can't work, and the only person I have to talk to is my grandma and one other friend with a busy life. (Isolated due to difficult circumstances and not having other family btw; it's not like I can travel or move anyplace.) I told my friend last night I was having a panic attack and they walked in their house instead of saying anything. 

But I have CPTSD from extreme trauma. No insurance, though, so can't do therapy or take meds. Thank you for the tips! 

On 7/27/2023 at 9:00 PM, Jacob Morres said:

Mindfulness meditation and vipassana helps me the most. I love meditating during the day and also during conversations, this helps a lot 

Also for me, some of my social anxiety stemmed from an inferiority complex - so doing a lot of journalling and challenging and changing the self image helped a lot (affirmations + visualizations) 

 

 

 

In terms of grounding in your body, there's this approach which my therapist recommended to me a while back. I've used it a few times, it's decent 

https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety.aspx

I do vipassana, and meditate during the day as well, but should probably keep a more consistent journal. Thank you for the coping technique

[tesseract 369]

18 hours ago, LSD-Rumi said:

I don't think just going out and socializing eliminates social anixety. Social anxiety is deeply rooted in social fears in the subconscious mind. It is required to face these fears through some kind of contemplation too. Socially anxious people tend to have massive social fears in the subconscious mind.

 

Although I should make a point to get out more, I agree with this 

[tesseract 369]

On 7/28/2023 at 4:06 AM, Anon212 said:

There is no magic pill. I had the same issue and this is what worked for me. I can recommend some books.

1) Learn to release emotional pressure (Book - letting go the pathway of surrender)

2) Develop self-esteem by showing yourself your capable which means you put yourself in those situation and just be anxious. It's exposure and it's good (Book - feel the fear and do it anyways)

3) What personally helped me a lot was kriya yoga, none of the other meditation worked for me but I learned Shambhavi from the Isha Foundation and this really made me into a more joyful person, I credit most of my anxiety release to this practice. It's incredible. But I've spoken to others who said it had minimal effect for them. So it's up to you.

4) I know you said you can't get therapy but you can try to figure it out. Make money, and get IFS therapy, IMO the most effective form of therapy right now and it seems like you have trauma trapped in your body which it will help with. This is really worth it.

5) Try hatha yoga, again this is great for releasing bodily trauma very subtly. Try it out. 

6) Get the fundamentals right, eat mostly good foods, exercise regularly, have a solid sleeping pattern.

7) Spend more time in flow state. That is spend more time doing deep work. It doesn't matter actually if you are watching a movie or speaking with someone or working be totally involved and you'll see you won't even notice how you feel.

8) Actually this goes back to therapy. I suspect you have shame and guilt based anxiety. You don't believe you are good enough. You think you are a fraud etc... go to IFS therapy and heal yourself. 

I'm sorry to break it to you but it ain't going to be easy. This is a process and in a weird way you can enjoy it. Don't rush yourself. Be patient and to be quite honest when you put yourself in situations where you are anxious you have to be willing to look like an idiot. Your anxiety will make you tremble, mumble your words, twitch, and so on. I've experienced this especially with women. I've worked on it for six years. Now you can put me with 10 hot girls alone and I won't even flinch ?

There's a lot there but if you do this stuff, not only will your anxiety be transformed, your while damn life will be transformed. Stick to it for a few years. (On the side, I have had friends for whom one trip on DMT obliterated their anxiety forever but I think this is too dangerous for most, I just had to say it because it's something different)

 

Thank you for the response, I'm gonna try what you suggested, especially (in the future, I hope IFS therapy, which I've been eyeing for a long time. It's good to know it can be overcome

[Razard86]

On 7/27/2023 at 8:02 PM, tesseract 369 said:

I'm on the spectrum and have experienced enough trauma it drove me "over the edge" for 6 months in 2019. Thankfully that resolved on its own without intervention. However, over the past year-- having no responsibilities or obligations, and living in the middle of a national forest (without consistent transportation)-- I immersed myself in meditation. 

The social anxiety is bad. When I started meditating (a little over a year ago) I was on illicit substances and drinking a couple times a day to numb, but was able to titrate down until I no longer felt a need to use. The only thing is, now I'm incredibly uncomfortable in social situations; my body locks up, I experience racing thoughts breathwork doesn't touch, and after a negative interaction it takes at least half a day to reorient myself. I don't have any complaints about life besides this, since meditation helped overhaul everything else. 

Besides therapy, which I can't afford, what are good, sure-fire strategies of grounding in my body when I feel utterly overwhelmed? TIA

Thanks for sharing, I've dealt with this recently the best advice I can give is first recognize you are stronger than you realize, seriously this isn't a joke. Notice when you felt the social anxiety, nothing actually happened to you outside of that crippling fear. That fear is tied to instructions in your mind to protect you from a possibility, possible scenario that COULD happen. But notice....nothing happened. So what you will have to do is keep putting yourself in environments that create that fear and watch those emotions arise and nothing happen.

It's easier said than done, but the experience will teach you that we create emergencies....prior to the emergency. It's a defense mechanism that sometimes overworks itself. Also if you can try to stay away from drugs as they can alter the functionality of your mind/body and distort your reality in a way that can confuse you.

Edited July 29, 2023 by Razard86

[Kksd74628]

@tesseract 369

On 28.7.2023 at 3:05 AM, Leo Gura said:

You go out and force yourself to socialize and actively relax and have fun while doing so.

That's literally the only thing you need to know. It would be like asking how to get better at doing squats. There really isn't any other way than to do squats or easier variations of 'em. People tend to beat around the bush, because they are seeking for some indirect ways to solve the problem present. Even if you'd find one it would be INDIRECT which means that it'll be unnecessary slow. In life you've got so many things to do and practice so you've gotta learn the correct attitude to go 'bout them. Do what you've gotta do and move on.

Much support for yo <3
-joNi-