Did I overreact?

[BlessedLion]

I went on a date last night with a girl I met from yoga. She's really hot so there were guys looking at her while we're out and at the end of the night some french fucker was like blatantly hitting on her next to me but the issue was she was super receptive and flirting right back with him. This went on for like 10 minutes until I kinda butted in with a fuck off energy. 

 

As we walked back i told her straight up how I felt and she justified it with saying she was just now learning to trust men and liked to play with the power dynamic of having them pursue her and that she could tell i was bothered but basically didn't care. 

 

Kinda sucks because it was a nice date and I was into her. 

 

I actually think I did the right thing because I stayed honest about the trigger instead of allowing shitty behavior 

[Ulax]

@BlessedLion No, i don't think you overreacted. Its important to have boundaries, in my opinion. 

I wouldn't be surprised if she has some attachment issues that mean that she will unconsciously try to sabotage intimacy when she gets it. So ironically it may have been that the date ended badly because it was going well for her. 

Edited February 19, 2023 by Ulax
Grammar

[mr_engineer]

@BlessedLion From the sound of it, she's not ready for serious relationship. She wants to fuck around, she's not mature enough to know how to be respectful to a man she's on a date with. 

Looking at this, if I were in your position, I'd ask myself 'What do I want out of my dating-life in general right now? Do I just want to fuck around or do I want a serious relationship?' If it's the former, I would look at how the French guy is flirting with her and I'd watch and learn. I'd take that date as a failure on my part, learn from that experience and do better next time. And, I would not complain to her about 'how it made me feel', cuz a woman who wants to fuck around doesn't want to deal with that. And, if it's the latter, I would, in fact, take offence at her behavior, not waste any more time with her and work on my traumas that make me attracted to incompatible women. Cuz that's what she is, if she's not ready for a serious relationship. And I'd work on positioning myself to compatible women. 

HTH!! 

[flowboy]

When another guy comes sniffing around, it’s a game of who can stay the most cool and detached. If you can ignore him and keep a strong vibe with her, demanding her attention, that can go well. If that doesn’t work, you can physically carry/move her away and take her home.

I’ve had that happen once, some hot but immature girl started sitting on some guy’s lap while we were out. Because she didn’t feel like I was giving her enough attention or something. I just commanded her to come with me in a strict tone, and then we had sex in an alleyway.

But I was also immature, so I still had the inclination to play that game.

Did you overreact?

No.

She was rude and immature, and sometimes that’s a way of testing you, and you can pass the test by ignoring it or forcefully taking her back, but it’s up to you whether you want to play that game. You certainly don’t need to, and can just find a woman who is not a teenager on the inside.

[NoSelfSelf]

@BlessedLion That's a disrespect,you helped me now,if that happens to me ill  say : "oh guys ill leave you 2 together saw this sexy woman ,im going to talk to have fun cya ?

Also having alternative date or place to go so in any moment you can just cancle this date if shes disrespectful like that...

[Lila9]

For me it seems that she isn't grounded and isn't sure what she wants yet or who she wants yet, goes with the flow, open and consider all the options available. 

It's fun to be pursued whether you are a man or a woman, it's nice to be wanted and in the other hand it can be confusing when you have a few men intrested in you at the same time and you don't know much about them yet in order to make a good choice.

I think that at this level, assuming it's your first date with her I would have said nothing and ignore it as if it's never happened, as if this French guy was a little fly, nothing serious to be worried about.

Only if it was more serious connection after a while of dating, with some sort of history I would speak about my feeling of hurt and all the pain and the suffering caused by the nasty French guy (or any other guy).

My 2 cents.

 

[BlessedLion]

Thanks so much for all the feedback here. I was feeling like I was too sensitive but kinda like Flowboy said really just saw this as a big game on her part and I don't want to partake. Yes in a way I was just trying to have fun but that doesn't mean respect goes out the window. 

 

What matters is I stayed true to my experience honest and integrous. Hope she enjoys hoeing around she's only got a few years left of being really desirable anyway

[Jacob Morres]

Dude - one thing is for sure. I probably don't have to tell you this - but if girls show weird red flags like this in the beginning 

GTFO 

Do not ignore red flags 

Very happy you stood up for yourself. Keep doing that for life

> Hope she enjoys hoeing around she's only got a few years left of being really desirable anyway

She's not even desirable rn with that behavior. 

Flirting with another guy while on a date with u? Red flags 101

 

 

Edited February 21, 2023 by Jacob Morres

[Lila9]

20 hours ago, BlessedLion said:

she's only got a few years left of being really desirable anyway

And so you and most men. That's reality. 

[Something Funny]

@BlessedLion so, just to clarify, you didn't leave her wherever you guys were, but still walked her home?

[Something Funny]

On 2/19/2023 at 11:40 AM, Lila9 said:

It's fun to be pursued whether you are a man or a woman, it's nice to be wanted and in the other hand it can be confusing when you have a few men intrested in you at the same time and you don't know much about them yet in order to make a good choice.

I think I disagree. Imo, it's a pretty basic requirement that both parties treat each other with respect. If you are already on a date with a certain person then be nice even if you don't like them that much. Flirting with someone else is definitely a dick whether you are a guy or a girl.

On 2/19/2023 at 11:40 AM, Lila9 said:

I think that at this level, assuming it's your first date with her I would have said nothing and ignore it as if it's never happened, as if this French guy was a little fly, nothing serious to be worried about.

Only if it was more serious connection after a while of dating, with some sort of history I would speak about my feeling of hurt and all the pain and the suffering caused by the nasty French guy (or any other guy).

So if you were on a first date with a guy at some bar and all of a sudden he got up, turned around, flirted with another girl next to him and took her number, you would just ignore it as if nothing happened??? And then went on a few more dates with him until you finally talked about it and made a decision on how to proceed?

Self-respect aside, don't you think it's a complete waste of time?

[Lila9]

33 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

I think I disagree. Imo, it's a pretty basic requirement that both parties treat each other with respect. If you are already on a date with a certain person then be nice even if you don't like them that much. Flirting with someone else is definitely a dick whether you are a guy or a girl.

So if you were on a first date with a guy at some bar and all of a sudden he got up, turned around, flirted with another girl next to him and took her number, you would just ignore it as if nothing happened??? And then went on a few more dates with him until you finally talked about it and made a decision on how to proceed?

Self-respect aside, don't you think it's a complete waste of time?

@Something Funny People are free to make their choices. It's only their first date and OP reacted as if they are a married couple. I would have kept more fason. Seems like he really wants her so if he really wants a hot woman he should put a little more effort and compete gracefully with other men, if he doesn't want to compete with other men, he can simply move on without drawing her negatively. He wrote that "she was just now learning to trust men and liked to play with the power dynamic of having them pursue her" and I believe she was honest with OP, didn't deny it or anything. Many women have trust issues with men. But he's oblivious to it and seems like he doesn't care about her personal healing and progress, means that their relationship was futureless to begin with anyways.

Edited February 21, 2023 by Lila9

[Lila9]

@Something Funny I agree that both should treat each other with respect, but in some cases respect depends on the context and the personal interpretation. I assume OP lives in a spiritual and open minded community where people actively engage in healing especially in the sexual realm, so in that case I understand where she came from and I don't think that she came from a place of disrespect. 

In another context it might have considered disrespect though.

[Roy]

I would rather date a 6 or 7 that's mature enough not to do that shit, than an 8 or 9 that wants the attention and gets a kick out of behavior like that. The reason women do those fucking games is because there are too many dumb men willing to play, tripping over each other for a chance to get in-between her legs.

Guys should be principled and have self-respect like you showed here, good on you. Let someone else deal with the headache of being with her. Most men are so blinded by pussy they'll put up with so much shit lol, rise above it and be a transcendent man.

Just because they are nice to look at, doesn't mean they get to treat you poorly. They don't get to get away with that, looks shouldn't be that valuable and they'll fade anyways. While integrity usually lasts a lifetime. They aren't even a guarantee they'll be good in bed either, maybe she is a starfish.

Edited February 22, 2023 by Roy

[Jacob Morres]

 

3 hours ago, Lila9 said:

People are free to make their choices. 

 

 There's a certain impact you have [on others] with your choices - you shouldn't be unconscious of your impact 

3 hours ago, Lila9 said:

i would have kept more fason. 

his reaction was valid. It's definietely quite rude for that kind of behavior. First dates are for meeting a potential partner and it's pretty socially unacceptable to entertain other people while on a date - it definietely speaks to some larger issues within that person I think.

3 hours ago, Lila9 said:

Many women have trust issues with men. But he's oblivious to it and seems like he doesn't care about her personal healing and progress, means that their relationship was futureless to begin with anyways.

While this is true - you should be compassionate towards others and their flaws 

 A lot of girls are low in ethics tho and you gotta have high boundaries and self respect. Perhaps if she was generally a good person and generally showed respect, compassion and a desire to mend/repair I could see it fixing 

I've definietely tried this with a few girls - problem is some girls seriously lack ethics. It like spoke to a larger issue in the girl every time and they ended up being rude in different ways. This is just my personal exp

imo - tho not 100% set - this is enough for me to leave 

 

Also isn't the adage that first dates are where the person is trying to set the best impression of themselves? She's doing that, at her best lol. 

Edited February 22, 2023 by Jacob Morres

[Something Funny]

5 hours ago, Lila9 said:

so if he really wants a hot woman he should put a little more effort and compete gracefully with other men

Emm, no he shouldn't? Sure there is always a background competition going on, where a person has another potential dating options and chooses whichever they like the most. But he definitely shouldn't explicitly compete with anyone over her as if he is on a reality tv show. That's just toxic. 

5 hours ago, Lila9 said:

He wrote that "she was just now learning to trust men and liked to play with the power dynamic of having them pursue her" and I believe she was honest with OP, didn't deny it or anything. Many women have trust issues with men.

How does flirting with another person while you are on a date helps you heal and develop trust issues? It helps you to build a giant ego, that's for sure.

She was being a dick, idk how this is even a point of discussion.

4 hours ago, Lila9 said:

I assume OP lives in a spiritual and open minded community where people actively engage in healing especially in the sexual realm, so in that case I understand where she came from and I don't think that she came from a place of disrespect. 

First of all, going to a yoga class to pickup some girs isn't "living in a spiritual community".

It wasn't probably even some spiritual class, just some hatha yoga where teacher saying "connect with your inner self" while everyone does sun salutations in their yoga pants is a peak enlightenment experience...

Secondly, once again, I have no idea how someone can view flirting with another person during a date as "healing" or truing to "develop trust", lol??

Is it "those evil men hurt me in the past so now I am gonna make them feel bad in return" type of healing??? 

If that's what you mean then we can also say thay it's okay for a guy to play a girl into thinking that he looks for a relationship and then fuck and dump her after a first date. And do it intentionally to hurt her cause "those evil women deserve that" and this is his "healing" process.

Hell, by that logic shooting up a school can also be part of your "healing" process, lol.

Intentionally hurting random people cause you are bitter and resentful because of your past experiences isn't healing

[Roy]

6 hours ago, Lila9 said:

It's only their first date and OP reacted as if they are a married couple.

It's not an overreaction. Even if it's just the 1st date, it's still a social contract between two individuals. Assuming he initiated and asked her to go out, she agreed to it under the premise that, "yes I will come spend an arranged time at a particular place with YOU and we will participate in something TOGETHER." That's literally what a date is. Her being receptive and flirting with another guy, while already on a date with a guy is disrespecting that social contract. What she should have done is ignored the other guy, or told him to go away because she was busy.

Unless OP is holding back information that it was just a vague impromptu meet where they happened to run into each other, there really is no excuse for her behavior.

But sure, I guess because she is really pretty she should be able to get away with behavior that would otherwise be considered sickening coming from the rest of us. They should have "gracefully competed" over her like monkeys, I hope neither of them slips on a banana while doing their mating dance 

[Lila9]

@Jacob MorresThey might be low in ethics as you say but they are also might be human beings who are struggling with issues exactly like you. What may be interpreted by the selfish mind of some men as lack of ethics may be a quite different from women's perspective.

It's also socially unacceptable to pick up girls but men still do that and it doesn't mean that they are bad, this is the part of their survival strategy in the sexual and romantic realm.

I don't mind he's reaction, he has the right to react whatever he wants, and I have the right to say that I would have reacted differently in this situation.

@something_else If he wants a hot woman and that's the main thing he values in a women, and is aware to the fact that many men are intrested in her, he should put more effort if he wants to be with her, that's the reality of the things. Men over value in women their physical apperance and want a beautiful partner but that comes with this kind of competition usually. That's life. If he doesn't want to be involved he can simply move on without blacken her as a human.
We don't have information about her past, maybe she was in an abusive relationships? Maybe she had self esteem problems and men treated her poorly because of that and this is the first time in her life that she is confident and it reflected in men pursuing her? By her words that's probobly what happened, her intention wasn't malicious.

@Roy Men put women on the pedestal because they are beautiful and then expect those women who pursed by many men, to pursue them without them puting much effort. It doesn't work that way, you gotta put some work for what you value. Whatever you value. Life.

 

 

 

[Breakingthewall]

Imagine that when you go to the bathroom and come back, you find her reaching into your jacket to remove your wallet. what would you think? Wow, she's a thief. Good thing I've realized now, and I didn't invite her to stay at my house. well with this the same. none of: the date was very good, until he did that. a person who does that in deep knows exactly what she is doing. She knows that he is disrespecting you, she knows that the Frenchman is disrespecting you and he promotes it. in certain environments that causes a very serious fight. let her go with her beautiful body and her stupidity to hell and that's it, there's no need to think about it anymore

Edited February 22, 2023 by Breakingthewall

[Jacob Morres]

 

1 hour ago, Lila9 said:

They might be low in ethics as you say but they are also might be human beings who are struggling with issues exactly like you

i see what ur saying. is she bad, no. a lot of unethical behavior comes from wounds.

personally tho - and id say for everyone tbh maybe - id want a girl who is more emotionally and socially mature

is what she did enough to warrant ops response, and ending the relationship? id still say yeh. he responded perfectly imo

1 hour ago, Lila9 said:

It's also socially unacceptable to pick up girls but men still do that and it doesn't mean that they are bad

i used the word socially unacceptable but maybe socially toxic was a better word. but na yeah i get it. shes not a bad person. i see what ur saying

 

 

 

Edited February 22, 2023 by Jacob Morres