Was I a dick here?

[something_else]

I was out last night and ran into a dude I knew from a while back. He was bi and tried to make out with me on the dance floor the first time I met him lmao, but he’s a chill dude and we ended up having a great night together talking to girls.

In the end we brought three girls back to my flat, two of them left after a couple hours but one stayed longer.

She’d been giving clear signs she was interested in me, but I know my friend was also very interested in her. She was pretty clear she wasn’t interested in him though.

So obviously when the two other girls left it made for a very awkward situation, just me, her and him.

She was still interested in me, and my friend was very pissed when she showed her preference for me. At one point he was making very forward advances that she very directly rejected. 

At the end he came to me in my kitchen (where she wasn’t) and was really sad and asking me not to fuck her. At the time I was really turned on and she was pretty cute so I didn’t know what to say. He got really pissed when I didn’t unambiguously say I wasn’t gonna fuck her, he left and then blocked me on everything this morning saying that we could’ve been good friends if I hadn’t done that, which I think is true, he was a great guy and we got on really well

Part of me feels like a dick, and had the roles been reversed I’d absolutely feel like shit at the rejection. But at the same time she wasn’t interested in him anyway, and she made it quite clear to him. It’s not like if I wasn’t there they’d have had sex

Anyway, I feel bad and I would like to stay friends with the guy. I have one of his friends contact info so I might ask him to help reconcile. But I basically want an external opinion on whether I was an asshole or not and what I should’ve done

[Sucuk Ekmek]

40 minutes ago, something_else said:

 

At the end he came to me in my kitchen (where she wasn’t) and was really sad and asking me not to fuck her.

Somebody has troubles of accepting the reality. For my taste this is unnecessarily emotional. 

[MarkKol]

He sounds desperate & butt hurt, if he told you not to fuck her then he realized that she was into you... If I was your buddy I'd leave you two alone in a room.

So what happened between you and her? Asking for a friend 

Edited January 28, 2023 by MarkKol

[Ulax]

1 hour ago, something_else said:

I was out last night and ran into a dude I knew from a while back. He was bi and tried to make out with me on the dance floor the first time I met him lmao, but he’s a chill dude and we ended up having a great night together talking to girls.

In the end we brought three girls back to my flat, two of them left after a couple hours but one stayed longer.

She’d been giving clear signs she was interested in me, but I know my friend was also very interested in her. She was pretty clear she wasn’t interested in him though.

So obviously when the two other girls left it made for a very awkward situation, just me, her and him.

She was still interested in me, and my friend was very pissed when she showed her preference for me. At one point he was making very forward advances that she very directly rejected. 

At the end he came to me in my kitchen (where she wasn’t) and was really sad and asking me not to fuck her. At the time I was really turned on and she was pretty cute so I didn’t know what to say. He got really pissed when I didn’t unambiguously say I wasn’t gonna fuck her, he left and then blocked me on everything this morning saying that we could’ve been good friends if I hadn’t done that, which I think is true, he was a great guy and we got on really well

Part of me feels like a dick, and had the roles been reversed I’d absolutely feel like shit at the rejection. But at the same time she wasn’t interested in him anyway, and she made it quite clear to him. It’s not like if I wasn’t there they’d have had sex

Anyway, I feel bad and I would like to stay friends with the guy. I have one of his friends contact info so I might ask him to help reconcile. But I basically want an external opinion on whether I was an asshole or not and what I should’ve done

@something_else Based on this narrative, he behaved like an entitled child who can't handle their emotions imo. You did nothing I would class as disrespectful.

I personally wouldn't want to  be friends with someone who behaved in that manner.

[Carl-Richard]

You were not being a dick. He was being overly emotional.

Edited January 28, 2023 by Carl-Richard

[NoSelfSelf]

Why being friend with a loser?

[something_else]

@Sucuk Ekmek @Carl-Richard Thanks for the re-assurance 

3 hours ago, MarkKol said:

So what happened between you and her? Asking for a friend 

Well after he left we were alone sooo.... 

It's weird. Somehow the fact that all this happened made the sex soooo much hotter, which makes me feel like even more of a dick.

3 hours ago, Ulax said:

@something_else Based on this narrative, he behaved like an entitled child who can't handle their emotions imo. You did nothing I would class as disrespectful.

I personally wouldn't want to  be friends with someone who behaved in that manner.

Re-reading what I wrote, the only part of the narrative I left out is that much earlier in the night we'd agreed he would try to go for the girl I ended up with and I was gonna try to go for one of the other girls. But she wasn't interested in me in the end and the girl that we'd agreed he was gonna go for was. So I figure that makes it a bit worse. Or at the very least much more emasculating for him.

2 hours ago, TheGreekSeeker said:

Maybe he felt that in the long run you'd choose the girl instead of him. Sometimes a woman can ruin the friendship between 2 men because they both desire her and are jealous of each other (obviously the same can happen with the genders reversed). I think the best you could do at this situation was to explain that he cannot make you not hook-up with her (enforce your boundaries), while also tell him that he is important for you and you don't want to lose him as a friend (emotionally reassure him). You can have it both ways. It is not bad that he was unsure of himself and desperate. You could just explain to him that you could be friends as long as he respected your boundaries. That would be the ideal response if he hadn't blocked you everywhere. I think that since someone blocks you it's a lost cause. Don't try and win him over, focus on yourself.

I think you are right. I think that I could have handled it better when he came to me in the kitchen and maybe he would have been less upset.

2 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Why being friend with a loser?

He wasn't really a loser. He doesn't seem to struggle with girls or guys too much. I think he'd just got his hopes up for this one girl and then got let down. I think if the roles were reversed, and I had to walk home alone knowing my friend was fucking the girl I'd got my hopes up for, I'd also feel pretty bad. 

We were actually pretty decent together as a team talking to girls, we had lots of fun and I am kind of sad that we won't be able to do it again.

[integral]

7 minutes ago, something_else said:

We were actually pretty decent together as a team talking to girls, we had lots of fun and I am kind of sad that we won't be able to do it again.

Bros before hoes.

What you did was selfish, what he did was selfish. Whos the grown up in this situation?

Edited January 29, 2023 by integral

[something_else]

4 minutes ago, integral said:

Bros before hoes.

What you did was selfish, what he did was selfish. Whos the grown up in this situation?

yea, I think the fair conclusion is probably that neither of us were really in the right. It’s just a shitty turn of events I suppose, if the other girl had been into me it would’ve worked out better.

[NoSelfSelf]

@something_else You both have a low self esteem and would drag eachother down..

[Roy]

Honestly that sounds disrespectful on his part. Think about it, he tried to guilt you and potentially sabotage your good time, because HE didn't get what he wanted and chose to pout and cry about it. She rejected him and he couldn't accept it. So instead of moving past that and being chill, he wanted to grief your chances.

At that point if I were in your position I would have kicked him out of your apartment and fucked that girl. It's what you both wanted anyways.

I don't think you should feel bad at all. I think this is a good example where you should learn to respect yourself and claim what's yours. You were the one being hospitable too! You brought the girls back to YOUR place and allowed him to come to take his chances.

I wouldn't even bother reconciling with him. You didn't do anything wrong, and you deserve better friends in your life than some dude who frankly sounds a little bit like a childish weasel.

Maybe he is a great guy for the most part, but he obviously needs to work through some stuff and if you want to develop yourself you can't have people around you like that dragging you down and holding you back. It sounds harsh but the truth hurts sometimes. Life is short and you shouldn't compromise on the quality of company you keep.

 

Edited January 29, 2023 by Roy

[something_else]

7 hours ago, Mormegil said:

I would be curious to know how your friend would have reacted, if she felt attracted to him and you would have asked him not to sleep with her. Would he have done it?

I don't think that I would have even asked. in my head I'd like to think I'd have just given them space even if it the rejection made me feel bad, but who knows.

7 hours ago, Roy said:

Honestly that sounds disrespectful on his part. Think about it, he tried to guilt you and potentially sabotage your good time, because HE didn't get what he wanted and chose to pout and cry about it. She rejected him and he couldn't accept it. So instead of moving past that and being chill, he wanted to grief your chances.

At that point if I were in your position I would have kicked him out of your apartment and fucked that girl. It's what you both wanted anyways.

I don't think you should feel bad at all. I think this is a good example where you should learn to respect yourself and claim what's yours. You were the one being hospitable too! You brought the girls back to YOUR place and allowed him to come to take his chances.

I wouldn't even bother reconciling with him. You didn't do anything wrong, and you deserve better friends in your life than some dude who frankly sounds a little bit like a childish weasel.

Maybe he is a great guy for the most part, but he obviously needs to work through some stuff and if you want to develop yourself you can't have people around you like that dragging you down and holding you back. It sounds harsh but the truth hurts sometimes. Life is short and you shouldn't compromise on the quality of company you keep.

 

Yea, thinking about it, you're right. Thank you for this external perspective. It's been helpful.

The more I think about it, the more shit he did that I actually think reflects pretty badly on him. Notably, he admitted he was going to try and steal the girl off another guy we ended up talking to in a casino. He sat with both of them for like 45 mins, I assume trying to do just that. I can't imagine how irritated the dude must have been.

So it's then kind of hypocritical for him to take issue when the other girl he'd set his sights on went for me instead.

Oh well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't love chaotic nights out like this anyway. It's all part of the fun. But I did feel a bit guilty at the end, and I think the perspectives here have helped a lot, so thank you.

[Israfil]

Man, if an actual friend is talking to a hot girl, I want him to fuck her. Even if I was also interested, but was rejected. He was bitter for being rejected by her and turned out to be even more childish trying to guilt trip you into not having sex with someone you're attracted to, and who is attracted to him just because it messes with his sense of worth. 

I wouldn't move a single straw to be close to someone like this. This is a very pronounced red flag. I would remove this person from my life if I were you.

[something_else]

12 minutes ago, Israfil said:

Man, if an actual friend is talking to a hot girl, I want him to fuck her. Even if I was also interested, but was rejected. He was bitter for being rejected by her and turned out to be even more childish trying to guilt trip you into not having sex with someone you're attracted to, and who is attracted to him just because it messes with his sense of worth. 

I wouldn't move a single straw to be close to someone like this. This is a very pronounced red flag. I would remove this person from my life if I were you.

Thank you for the reassurance. There’s a decent chance I’ll run into him again and I’ll be civil if I do but I’m not rushing to do anything with him again

[Matt23]

I don't think you were being a dick. 

I don't think I'd ever ask a true friend to not have sex with a girl who we were both interested in but he and the girl had a clear "thing". Sure I'd feel hurt and stuff... but also, sometimes you just gotta say "Not this time."

Obviously there's a whole competitive dynamic between guys over girls (and vice versa)... and I'm sure that will always be there to some degree.   

[mr_engineer]

Was she worth it? Did you get something long-term with her after letting go of something long-term with your friend? 

If not, bros before hoes. 

[Carl-Richard]

Just now, mr_engineer said:

Was she worth it? Did you get something long-term with her after letting go of something long-term with your friend? 

If not, bros before hoes. 

Bruh, what kind of long-term would he be getting with these histrionic cockblocks?

[mr_engineer]

2 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

Bruh, what kind of long-term would he be getting with these histrionic cockblocks?

Talk about something other than your dating-lives, go to the gym together, play sports together, etc. Don't involve each other in your dating-lives. 

[Carl-Richard]

7 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

Talk about something other than your dating-lives, go to the gym together, play sports together, etc. Don't involve each other in your dating-lives. 

"Sorry dude, you can't come on the night out dude, you're too histrionic"? ? The guy was in the wrong. He should acknowledge that and get over it.

Edited January 30, 2023 by Carl-Richard

[integral]

if that guy was my best friend and in that moment i understood his emotional need it would be a no brainer not to sleep with her.

Carefully watch how all your opinions of right and wrong are skewed by context. 

Edited January 30, 2023 by integral