Not going monogamous because of fear there's someone better

[Eyal Bor]

Hi guys.

(Long post, I appreciate if you read it all)

I'm 26, and I started pick up from scratch (from never asking for a number before) like 3 years ago. During that time I had a lot of rejections, lots of progress, some very nice stories and a 1 year monogamous relationship with many lessons learned.

After finishing my relationship like a year ago, had some more stories, I find myself with the possibility to enter a new monogamous relationship, but I'm scared, scared of several things:

First, that since my last relationship was quite toxic, full of jealousy, insecurities and way too much attachment, I'm hesitant and traumatised of being in a "normal" relationship. I've dated this new girl (let's call her Tracy) for 2 months and she is not like that but my body still has the reflex to hide from intimacy and retracts.

Second, I feel I just want to keep uping my seduction skills, so I can get the more beautiful girls. I never got the girls I'm really attracted to, (when you get the wow effect), but I havent been able to make it happen. They always have a boyfriend, or too flaky, or i don't manage to make the connection.

I don't know if this is bad, it's not about making meaningful connection his , I feel maybe I just seek validation. This journey has been so rewarding from getting positive feedback,  I reached better self-esteem, being worthy enough of certain girls. I feel I've been "proving myself" I'm worthy enough of girls I wasn't before.

I really like this new girl Tracy, she's not a  "high status 9-10", but she's sweet, full of love, quite young and inexperienced but with a pretty attractive body for me, even if she doesn't displays it like it. Feels like a full package of "relationship material" for me.

I find myself in the point where I would need to reject a monogamous relationship with Tracy in order to keep progressing and trying other girls (Tracy is not into open relationships)

I feel I'm getting old, and now is the time to explore different and seek all the validation I want, but the thought of me not going through further with Tracy it's killing me because I enjoy so much my time with her. It hurts me to feel I treat girls as a process and it's very hard for me to think that I'll reject a girl that I already really like (even if on paper she's not "wow"), and I can keep getting better.

I kind of want to just burn through the karma first before trying more stable relationships. 

I feel in a hurry cause I'm getting old and shouldn't miss out, but at the same time, it was for meeting girl like Tracy that I started this journey in the first place.

It was so effortless to make things happen with her and not forced and flaky as with the more beautiful girls. With more "high value" girls it just seems so forced and hard to make happen. I have to be more "bad boy" than I naturally am. Also 9-10's feel so cold temperament and not open.

Are these "high value girls overvalued"?

Am I just scared of commitment? FOMO?

Insecurities of my own value?

Am I just overthinking and should follow my feeling of being with her and forget about the future?

If I'm with a girl like Tracy that is "lower value" on paper, but I really like and things flow easily than with a 9-10, i would like to know that it's because I want to be with a girl like this and not because I can't do better and Tracy it's my default. Maybe I'm just frustrated that I still don't have success with these 8 -10 and there's plenty that can I could flow easily and a also kind and full of love.

I just don't like the feeling of settling short (I'm ambitious guy, perfectionist too).

Maybe my status and game is simply not good enough yet, and I should have a relationships at my level (doing "pauses" in the improving process) before reaching the highest levels.

And finally, when does this game end? When can you say, ok, this is good enough?

Hope this was not too much writting, I just had to get it out of my chest.

Thanks ?

 

 

Edited April 5, 2022 by Eyal Bor

[puporing]

LOL welcome to the struggles of being a "poly". ? Though I prefer to see it as different lovers offering different things rather than "high/low" value. (So I could be wrong about you being more "poly" than "mono").

We have to learn rejection of being poly (ie, wanting open relationships) from others in exchange for honoring our true feelings and wishes. 

I would focus on practicing feeling into being okay with being on your own if it came to that. Being okay with letting go in exchange for your freedom to explore if you value this more right now in your life.

Communicate authentically to those around you and whomever you're with why you feel a certain way, without sugar coating or appeasement.

We can choose who we authentically want to be, we just can't expect others to want the same as we do, in the world of mostly mono relationships. 

Ultimately it is up to you which way you choose to be each moment and everyday. Maybe one day you'll want to be in a mono situation, or maybe that just never happens. Just do what feels the most right I don't think that can go wrong.

(I have come to the realization that all of this is also me looking for and wanting to "be near" something as close to God as possible and basking in the beauty of its manifestations, when the truth is also that I have been right here all along).

Edited April 5, 2022 by puporing

[NoSelfSelf]

Game never ends!

Scared of other guys because your game is not great 

What girl would go for a another guy if you have amazing game doesnt make sense...

[Michael Jackson]

12 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Game never ends!

Scared of other guys because your game is not great 

What girl would go for a another guy if you have amazing game doesnt make sense...

Did you even read his post??

It's not about the girl going for another guy. It's about him wanting to gain more experience with multiple partners.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPg9qYMjE3Q

 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Michael Jackson Not really its all over the place referring to the title and be careful with your tone....

[Michael Jackson]

3 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Michael Jackson Not really its all over the place referring to the title and be careful with your tone....

@NoSelfSelf What do you mean by "be careful with your tone"? I just wondered wether or not you read his post because your answer obviously didn't fit to the question he asked. Please clarify.

Edited April 5, 2022 by Michael Jackson

[OceanRiver]

@Eyal Bor pickup is a very feminine thing to do I know that right? 

[OceanRiver]

@Eyal Bor aettling is just a cultural meme 

you’ve created a nasty unhealthy cloud

youvr put red e girl in there

its not fair on her

ger out of it

treat her like a woman

if it works great

lots of deeper inner work though that u need that had nothin to do with the girl or pickup

Edited April 6, 2022 by OceanRiver

[integral]

There's no one better, You'll get better not them. 

[Michael Jackson]

16 hours ago, Michael Jackson said:

@NoSelfSelf What do you mean by "be careful with your tone"? I just wondered wether or not you read his post because your answer obviously didn't fit to the question he asked. Please clarify.

@NoSelfSelf please clarify.

[Eyal Bor]

@puporing I have a pretty poly vision of things, but I still want to be able to be mono if I want to. I just seem to have two different identities, incompatible with each other. The pick-up me, and the boyfriend me. I'm trying to integrate them together.

Longterm, probably mono is the way to go. More culturally acceptable and stable. I use poly as a way to get to know the field and scan for good possible candidates for something more long term. The problem until now is that only mono girls are the ones that want to really stick around and I actually imagine myself creating an actual life with.

[puporing]

@Eyal Bor Well, consider the possibility that it is in your hands to "figure this out". 

It's often hard to differentiate what was long term conditioning foisted upon us vs what our true and empowered selves desire. By long term conditioning I mean things like the social matrix, the adopted insecurities from childhood, internalized shame and guilt, etc.

There is a possibility of a more empowered state from which we can love and relate to others. But this you would have to contemplate for yourself and deconstruct to where you feel comfortable with.

I guess I'm trying to say, you are free to choose what style of relating you ultimately want, regardless of what society operates on (it may be more difficult undeniably if what you arrive at falls outside of the mainstream paradigm).

If this is all going over your head just ignore what I said ? and trust the process.

Edited April 12, 2022 by puporing

[Eyal Bor]

@modmyth I've contemplated and I realized that this rejection to be mono was coming from a place of fear, not love. I was a traumatized from my ex, that it would become like that. Unprocessed feelings and repulsive feelings from just the idea of monogamy.

And this need for hot girls was more of a validation thing. I realized I'm chasing those girls to feel prove myself to be worthy enough for them, but mostly to satisfy my ego, not my heart. That I'm chasing those sorts of girls because of pick-up gurus brainwashing, where hotness is the most important and almost only factor for "rating" girls. I realized that I forgot to actually set my own criteria. My criteria is believe it to be more like: how much love is in a particular girl, kindness and positive energy, while still being attractive physically. Finally what I want is to date girls to find one that could be my ideal to build something longterm.   I think already sort of know that girls that prioritize A LOT the care in her looks dont interest me, but was trying to "prove myself" that is in fact not the case and that can "go back" to girls maybe less hot but with other interests, but not because I cant get them. 

I proposed the girl about an open deal, but she rejected it. It felt aligned with my "pick-up ego" to let her go and just continue with other girls, but my had a hard time accepting this decision, as if I was allowing my head to decide if to be with someone instead of my feelings. A lot of resistance to let her go but also to just submit to her because of fear it being toxic as my last girlfriend. After some processing I felt I released the trauma and I found myself preferring continuing seeing Tracy than to continue chasing other girls. Still trying to make sure that this decision came from actual love for this girl and not just fear of being alone, lazyness nor confort. 

Edited April 12, 2022 by Eyal Bor

[puporing]

@Eyal Bor It's possible to find someone who is open to/wanting that structure of a more open arrangement while spending whatever amount of time is needed together on this path. The key is that it coming from a genuine place of love.

The thing is if that's what your heart genuinely wants/have discovered (because you know you want to be open to self-growth and experiencing and learning from other entities), strict monogamy (when forced on you) would not feel right and probably won't last very long.. unless it was something you know was just for a period of time to focus on this one person that would help you with your growth and self-realization. 

Edited April 13, 2022 by puporing

[Razard86]

On 4/6/2022 at 9:27 AM, Michael Jackson said:

@NoSelfSelf please clarify.

Why are you asking for clarification he was clearly projecting. I'm not sure how someone can ascertain tone from your post. There is no audible quality and there was nothing to draw from your post. Your post was pretty much to the point and they just projected their inner reality on to you. Ya know, the blame game, victim game. Take it like the champ you are, and do a little moon walk for good measure. You are okay MJ.

[Esilda]

@Eyal Bor have you defined your values? This is really where I’m feeling there’s a lack of self there. “I’m doing this to get my validation” translates to “I don’t have a core sense of confidence so I’m seeing if this works to get it”.

Stay well hun you’ll be okay 

Edited April 13, 2022 by Esilda

[Eyal Bor]

@puporing @puporing @puporing @puporing I feel I would be ok and happy with being in this relationship mono for a while, I would benefit, learn and heal. But I feel as if I'm sure it will end because I still haven't finished the exploration I want.

Going into a mono "indefinite" relationship while knowing it will end feels like I'm just using her while it serves me and will get rid of her when it won't anymore, while she may get very emotionally attached and hurt in the process. If I don't think about the future and see that I enjoy and I'm happy with only the company of her right now, I feel fine .

[SgtPepper]

You gotta ask yourself what you really want and recognize that your perspective on relationships is kind of immature, at least thats how I feel about what you wrote. It's feely based instead of purposeful. Consider how you commit to a career or skill, this is how you should view monogamous relationships.

These thoughts of FOMO have occurred to me too, being that I have been with partner since high school.

I concluded:

I feel like trying to meet girls just for sex even if they are "9-10s" is inauthentic to me and pointless, there's no purpose besides stroking my ego.

Monogamous relationship have purpose: growing together, unconditional support. Fun wholesome activities. Potential to have a family. Trust. This is the real deal. A heart bonded with a person like that to me is authentic love. Growing with someone, is as deep as watching yourself grow. Even the sex is amazing too because it evolves, and can know each other's like

Trading that for sex with a strange girl when no genuine feeling of care or bond has been formed is not useful to me. It's like a temporary intoxication. It's not going to bring anything to my life besides emptiness because it's grounded in not being myself, drugs/alcohol, and sex. You also don't know who these women are, they could be crazy, lie to you, hurt you, addictions, have eating disorders, daddy issues, or whatever. Maybe I am totally wrong, but...

If you want a stable family in the future, pick a Good girl and commit to her. 

Edited April 30, 2022 by SgtPepper

[puporing]

@Eyal Bor Yeah that's a very tricky thing. I would still recommend telling her all this (well I guess you sort of have). Because time may not be on her side as might be on yours (if she wants children or something for example). That way she will be more prepared when things do 'end' and you move on to explore with others. Hard conversations to have but I think that's the more ethical thing to do here..