Split-second thoughts of violence towards women

[en-el hak]

So, it happens like this. I'm having a conversation with a woman face-to-face. Usually casual, daily conversation. All of a sudden, a scene of me punching her in the face appears in my head. Then I can't concentrate on what she's saying for some seconds. I feel a little disturbed for having a thought like this. Then everything goes back to normal.

First of all, I would never ever hit a woman. I'd rather hurt myself than hurt someone else.

These women are not close to me, some of them are from work, some of them are just people I know, or recently met.

Having thoughts (or instincts) like these creates a huge contradiction with my principles and values. Therefore I feel confused and ashamed afterward.

Yesterday I opened up this issue with my therapist. She just took some notes, probably she will dissect this issue. I have some traumas from the past. I witnessed my father beating up my mother many times. He also beat me a few times. I used to beat up my little sister a lot when we were kids. But linking these violent instincts to these traumas seems like a victim mentality to me. Whatever happened, happened.

I'm also eager to look at this issue from a spiritual point of view. I wonder how to get rid of the negative thoughts for good. Or how to make peace with the 'redness' inside of me. Is shadow work a must? 

Edited November 12, 2021 by en-el hak

[roopepa]

Is it just an image in your mind, or is there any desire or drive to actually do so? Do you feel aggression?

[en-el hak]

49 minutes ago, roopepa said:

Is it just an image in your mind, or is there any desire or drive to actually do so? Do you feel aggression?

@roopepa They are just images. I don't feel any aggression towards these people, not at all.

Edited November 12, 2021 by en-el hak

[Random witch]

You experienced trauma as a child, You saw your father beating your mother and it burned in your memory very deep.

Those images or thoughts when you have this desire to beat woman come from your trauma, it's not you, and it's not your will. it's your inner pain and aggression that disguised as those thoughts.

You are not a bad person by any manner, you are a vulnerable human being, as all of us, who've been experienced trauma that affects his life.

Your awareness is very important and crucial, your thoughts aren't your real desires or cravings.

Focus on healing your childhood trauma, therapy is very good but try to find more self help alternative methods and combine all of them together in your healing process.

 

 

[Rilles]

Sounds like Pure OCD

Edited November 12, 2021 by Rilles

[roopepa]

@en-el hak This might be simply that you know who you don't want to be (your father) and thus when you are with women, this "I don't want to be like my father" comes to mind as these images. You might resist becoming a violent person so much that the subject of violence slips to your mind when you meet women.

I don't see anything dangerous here. I assume these kinds of unwanted thoughts and images happen to most of us at times. Sometimes we push certain thoughts away so much that it actually strenghtens them.

[Loba]

Sounds like harm OCD or something.  I used to have that, too, where I would get a bad thought and then wonder if it was related to my desires, but you know - it's just a thought - and so I accepted it, did not judge myself and let it go.  If you know you aren't going to hit someone, and your mind just pops that in your head - that is super normal.

When I was a small child, about six we had a kitten that I had hit - because my mother was beating me up all the time and I reenacted it.  But I grew out of it and am not a violent person and it never became a pattern.  I felt guilt for what I had done as a child and learned not to do that because the action felt very wrong.  Some people don't have a conscience so they don't learn this lesson.

You did the same and your conscience grew.  You came from a bad environment and got out of it, but still have some residual trauma that you know you won't reenact.  Sometimes, violent thoughts appear in my mind, too, and I just let them go, knowing I would not act on them, but that I come from a long line of animals/apes that fought wars, and hunted giant animals in the frozen tundra, and who have carried residual traumas down the line.  We are a species that comes from violence that must learn peace, and it's okay for this to be a process.

The fact that you are aware of it means that you can work through it.  You're normal.

[Preety_India]

Maybe explore what might have caused you to feel this way. 

Do you wish to seek revenge? 

Is it coming from a place of hate or indignation? 

Do shadow work to see the root cause. 

 

[Jacob Morres]

13 hours ago, Rilles said:

Sounds like Pure OCD

This ^

Please google "harm ocd" and see if it resonates

Harm ocd can be a subset of pure OCD (pure ocd is ocd is that happens solely in the mind rather than as external compulsions for example like compulsive handwashing)   

"Getting rid of the thoughts" is the whole trick of OCD -> by trying to get rid of them, it actually enforces the compulsion cycle. So instead you have to surrender/be okay with/allow/observe that fear without engaging in that compulsion cycle

One technique people use is whatever that fear is "i love that X fear. I greatly desire that X fear" and allowing that fear to spike and pass without reacting to it (this is called imaginal exposure) 

Also noticing that fear is just a fear with mindfulness can help 

In science, the gold standard for treating OCD is exposure and response prevention but the treatment is evolving with combining erp with acceptance and commitment therapy as well as mindfulness based practices (btw I dont know how severe yours is (also dont know if you have ocd 100% but sounds like it is to me. im also not a doctor so i cant diagnose anyone))  

Also OCD is well studied and there a ton of resources on it. 

You can find a patient + skilled ocd specialist if it's really bad or you can do it by yourself. 

This is where I learned about conquering OCD first from but I also encourage you to do your own research:  

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2ADA7A35723646F6

Also amazon sells this book as well: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07YW8FZ5Y/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Personally imaginal exposure worked for me as well as vipassana (but I heard good things about ACT as well) 

also if it resonates - I'd like to say that you can also indirectly affect your OCD by taking account your stressors and what makes it worse. Like for example poor sleep  can indirectly affect OCD. And increasing happiness + fulfillment can also indirectly help OCD. 

 

Edited November 13, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[en-el hak]

@roopepa @Random witch @Rilles @Loba @Preety_India @Jacob Morres 

I sincerely thank every one of you for the replies. It never occurred to me that it could be OCD. Now it seems more solvable.

@Jacob Morres I will check them out, cheers man.
 

[OneHandClap]

They're called intrusive thoughts. Everybody has them in different situations and with varying levels of intensity. 

The problem isn't the images, it's your reaction to them. You are not "making" them appear; they are spontaneously appearing. Therefore, let go of the need to suppress, change, or destroy them. The moment you can do this, you will be free of the problem. Images are just images, thoughts are just thoughts. 

And yes, as others said, OCD can intensify the recurrence of and/or fixation upon these thoughts/images. Professional help and medication are options, if you feel they are extremely disturbing to your quality of life, but otherwise don't worry too much. Everyone has thoughts and feelings they try to ignore or push down. You just happen to notice them more readily. 

[Farnaby]

On 23/11/2021 at 7:24 PM, OneHandClap said:

They're called intrusive thoughts. Everybody has them in different situations and with varying levels of intensity. 

The problem isn't the images, it's your reaction to them. You are not "making" them appear; they are spontaneously appearing. Therefore, let go of the need to suppress, change, or destroy them. The moment you can do this, you will be free of the problem. Images are just images, thoughts are just thoughts. 

And yes, as others said, OCD can intensify the recurrence of and/or fixation upon these thoughts/images. Professional help and medication are options, if you feel they are extremely disturbing to your quality of life, but otherwise don't worry too much. Everyone has thoughts and feelings they try to ignore or push down. You just happen to notice them more readily. 

^ This. Recently I was in the subway and a thought popped into my mind: "why not push that person down the platform?". They used to cause a lot of anxiety and guilt and worrying about what kind of person I was for having those thoughts. Nowadays they are usually a bit uncomfortable but sometimes I find them amusing lol.

Accept these thoughts, don't fight them, don't do anything about them and they will stop bothering you and happening less frequently.

[NatureB]

I used to have thoughts like these quite often. Actually, I didn't realize that I haven't had one in many months until I saw this post.

These thoughts are indicative of repressed anger and shame. For me, they would pop up in conversation with men and women, especially when I would hold eye contact. That is because eye contact brings up shame. That's why when someone is ashamed, they avoid eye contact. And the whole thing made sense to me based on my life experiences with men and women (being bullied, abandoned, etc.)

I happen to think that the specific mechanisms don't matter though. What matters is healing these issues, not thinking about them (past a certain point). And the way that I healed them is with meditation, journaling, and about 4 really transformative LSD trips where I let my anger and anxiety run wild until the energy dissipated. So that's my advice to you - meditate, take strategic psychedelic trips, and do some deeper therapy work. I can recommend a week ling retreat if you're interested. Helped me tremendously. Best of luck!

[Gianna]

You need to get rid of your resistance to victim mentality. It is only through allowing victimhood into your experience that you can transcend it. It is not until you accept both the perpetrator and the victim within you that you will cease to experience it in reality.