Survival made me suicidal

[Person0]

I’ve been depressed for many years which made me suicidal. It’s been getting worse over the past years and I’m at my lowest point. I have sought various kinds of professional help for years and tried different treatments - various doctors, therapists etc. They didn’t help. This suicidal depression has still heightened. The world is a cruel place and I don’t want to live in it anymore. What should I do? I have tried everything to heal. The suffering is unbearable. If you or @Leo Gura have any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate them.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Person0

[OctagonOctopus]

30 minutes ago, Person0 said:

The world is a cruel place and I don’t want to live in it anymore. What should I do? I have tried everything to heal.

Focus on things that you enjoy, it can be really easy to get stuck in just focusing on "problems that I need to fix". Explore yourself, discover what you like to do in the world. 

Imagine what it would be like be be happy and healed, and move towards that feeling. It is your vision for who you want to be that pulls you out of the depressed times. Transform your self-image and the body will follow. 

What is it that you are passionate about? And if you don't know, have you really explored the vast amount of things you could be passionate about? 

[Blackhawk]

All you people who think that professional help has a 100% success rate should make notes of this case. Don't just ignore all the cases which you don't want to believe is true.

 

@Person0 I'm in a similar situation. I agree that life is cruel. Unfortunately I have zero advice to give.

At least our lives will probably end some day. Let's hope that eternal return isn't true. It would be seriously bad if it would be true.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternal_return

"The concept of "eternal recurrence"––"the idea that all events in the world repeat themselves in the same sequence through an eternal series of cycles"––is central to the mature writings of Friedrich Nietzsche."

Edited August 16, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Farnaby]

@Person0 sorry to hear that. Sometimes you need to try out different therapies to find a therapist and a modality that helps you. Don't give up. 

I think the book "Feeling Great" has good tools to start to dig yourself out of depression, but professional help may be necessary because we can't always pull ourselves out without help. Sometimes medication is temporarily necessary as well. 

With depression it's almost mandatory to get yourself out of your bed and your house and start doing stuff you used to enjoy or that you think could be interesting, even when you don't have the energy or don't want to do it. The reason you need to do this is because when you're depressed the natural tendency is to stop doing things because you don't feel motivated but this ends up fueling the feelings of depression because you miss lots of opportunities to feel more positive emotions.

You may also need to work on possible traumatic experiences from your past, unprocessed grief and repressed feelings of anger. 

In any case, I understand that you may have lost faith in therapy and doctors, but consulting with a professional is the best way to address your personal situation.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Farnaby

[PepperBlossoms]

The heart is sad.

As I posted in another place, the stuff we do to help our survival can end up hurting it and that can be a common theme - do something helpful and it causes pain and do something painful and it causes help..  it is counterintuitive. like we see we want to do stuff to aide our survival but then the choices we select actually hurt our survival in ways we didn't think about

It can be helpful to try to look at the full repercussions to see what all we are doing is going to impact to see if the help is only temporary or long term and if/who/what that help ends up hurting.

go for drugs and it is temporary help but then may have long term hurt

go for a job with lots of money and it may help your bank account but hurt your heart and relationships; etc.

we usually don't feel like suicide out of the blue - usually it is a combination of factors

feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to

I am sorry you are going through this.  Lots of us are, myself included.

Edited August 16, 2021 by PepperBlossoms

[Thought Art]

7 hours ago, Person0 said:

I’ve been depressed for many years which made me suicidal. It’s been getting worse over the past years and I’m at my lowest point. I have sought various kinds of professional help for years and tried different treatments - various doctors, therapists etc. They didn’t help. This suicidal depression has still heightened. The world is a cruel place and I don’t want to live in it anymore. What should I do? I have tried everything to heal. The suffering is unbearable. If you or @Leo Gura have any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate them.

Don't give up. 

How are you using your free time? Describe the 3 or 4 hours you have a week? That free time you have everyday outside of work is GOLD, for doing inner work.

I've had my ups and downs too. You will make it through this. People are giving you good advice here! There is hope! 

[PepperBlossoms]

Life has a lot of land mines.  We don't know about all of them and we don't necessarily fully know how they will impact us until after we step on them.

The land mines can be excruciatingly painful.

All we can do is do our best to learn about them to prevent ourselves and others from stepping on them.  Sometimes they are marked and we ignored the sign.  Sometimes they aren't marked.

It can be hard to keep walking after stepping on one but if we stop and let ourselves bleed out, others may come in to save us and they too may step on a land mine of extreme sadness over our loss - so it can be better to just keep on floating along as best as we can until we can heal from the land mines we did step on.

[snowyowl]

Sorry to hear you're going through this depression, I can relate having suffered with it for a long time earlier in my life. 

Have you tried medication, it may help to change to a different one if your current treatment isn't working, with consulting your doctor of course. The tablets which worked for me had unpleasant side effects, but it was worth it.

Also if you drink alcohol I suggest quitting because it can have a depressing effect. 

Above all don't give up and keep talking, lots of  people here do care. 

[Person0]

Thank you for all your advice.

@OctagonOctopus I used to have passions but now I just don’t care anymore. Everything that I once enjoyed, I don’t now.

@Blackhawk @PepperBlossoms I hope things will start looking up soon.

@Farnaby @snowyowl I have tried various kinds of medications and therapies and gone to many other professionals over the years. I’ve done pretty much everything that would be suggested to someone in my situation. They haven’t helped me and I’ve completely lost faith by now.

@Thought Art I had hoped spirituality would save me. I tried doing that but failed. I just try to kill time when I’m free because it passes too slowly.

[ted73104]

Leo started his channel with lots of videos related to psychology. Have you tried watching those videos? Hope one of them may help you.

[tsuki]

@Person0 What is the specific nature of your suffering?

• Are you in physical pain? If you feel your body, are there any areas that don't feel good? Do you exercise?
• Are you in emotional pain? Do you experience grief? Sadness? Are your energy levels low? Are you lonely?
• What about your thoughts? What do you think about yourself as a person? In your thoughts, do you treat yourself like you would treat a friend, or do you bully and criticize yourself?
• Are you on medication?

Depression is a serious disease and is not to be underestimated. Please take good care of yourself.

[Person0]

@ted73104 I have. The videos did help a little. But I’m still becoming more and more suicidal each day

@tsuki I don’t feel comfortable talking about it. I’m sorry. But there are various things that I am unable to change. The gist of it is that the world is a terrible place and cruel. All of my reasons fall into that category - including the personal reasons. It’s impossible to change. I’m completely helpless. I have lost all hope.

Thank you everyone.

 

[ted73104]

Although I haven't been in your position before, I have been stuck in life before. I used to be have sort of "holy" Christian personality, and when I realized the self image I was building was mostly smoke and mirrors, there was a time I was pretty depressed. I think sometimes that there isn't really anything you can do about the situation that you're in. Sometimes, only time can heal deep wounds. The only thing you can do now is to try and accept the harsh reality that you're in. Just live as a person with suicidal thoughts.

When I left my church, although I wasn't really a bad person, but I thought I was an evil person (according to the church's standards). And there was a time I was very wild, I became a work-a-holic and chased money. I also went to night bars, spent a lot of money on drinks, buying drinks for girls, and fucking girls who were ten years younger than I was. I went on a lot of work trips as my company manufactured products for AT&T and Verizon. Took my colleagues who were with me in LA, San Franscisco, Dallas, or Chicago on vacation every weekend with the company paying most of our travel expenses (car rental, gas fees).

I think the only thing you can do is just find a way to be your current self. Try to love and express your dark side. After you've understood and realized that you were supposed to be the way you are now all along, you will be able to accept yourself for who you really are and not think that you suck or have a negative personality. Then will you be able to move forward and grow your personality with lesser resistance. 

With self actualization work and help from many people, I was able to get out of the situation I got myself into. I also realized that the original views I had on having a "great life" were not as realistic as I thought. Many of my thoughts about how to be successful or happy or satisfied just didn't work in the long run. Once you gradually realize these kind of stuff, you will see that everyone is not so different. There is no reason to compare yourself with others, because we're all on the same boat.

[Person0]

Thank you. I just can’t love or accept being in this state. I have tried it before but backslides a lot and now I’m just being realistic.

[Sempiternity]

Do you have any interest in Spiritual Awakening? This is dying and being able to come back, but with all the knowledge of who you really are, what is death, what is God, what is Love, what is Reality, etc. The cost of an Awakening is you have to have the courage to surrender to your *death. So in a way, being suicidal is a blessing for this. My loving of life prevents me from making this surrender to death. I guarantee you that if you had a full blown spiritual awakening experience, you would have a completely different view on life, and would have no desire whatsoever in comitting physical suicide. 

*To clarify, Death as in spiritual death when taking a high dose of a psychedelic like 5-MEO. 

 

[ted73104]

1 hour ago, Person0 said:

Thank you. I just can’t love or accept being in this state. I have tried it before but backslides a lot and now I’m just being realistic.

I think everyone has been in the state where you totally think you suck, and that you just cannot accept the condition you're in. However you have to gradually realize how narrow of a mindset you're using to observe or measure yourself. There's too many conditions you've placed for yourself for you to be happy. 

Interesting thing is that the people who you think that have the things that you want aren't actually that attached to those things. They're not satisfied because they have those external things, and they aren't necessarily as happy as you imagine they are either. Most people are just okay with the circumstances they're in, and everyone has their own problems. To put it bluntly, even if you got those things, you may not be satisfied for long. Eventually when you normalize everything you have, you'll want to fill the emptiness within you with other stuff. And when you cannot do this, you will continue to project your inner issues outward towards the world and think the world is a "cruel and terrible place". Nothing will ever be as satisfying than being able to accept yourself for exactly who you are right now.

[OctagonOctopus]

On 8/17/2021 at 4:20 AM, Person0 said:

 I used to have passions but now I just don’t care anymore. Everything that I once enjoyed, I don’t now.

What were the things you enjoyed, and what caused you to start saying you don't enjoy them anymore?

 

23 hours ago, Person0 said:

 The gist of it is that the world is a terrible place and cruel. All of my reasons fall into that category - including the personal reasons. It’s impossible to change. I’m completely helpless. I have lost all hope.

The mind can make up as many reasons it wants to justify things being some way, even if the way it actually is not anything like the reason. Especially when you get into spirituality it can bring those types of thoughts and feelings to the surface. Typically gets its worst right before you have some kind of break threw expirence. 

 

[Person0]

@Sempiternity Yes I do but I’m unable to spiritually awaken. It’s too advanced right now even though I want to one day.

@ted73104 Leo said in one of his videos that if one suffers enough, anybody would be suicidal. I need sufficient peace to be able to accept reality but acceptance is nearly impossible in my current state. It’s not just personal issues, the world is in fact cruel for the most part. Leo says almost everything is devilry and I happen to agree. I want out. I don’t want to be part of it.

[Nahm]

@Person0

Start by understanding cruel is not a property of ‘the world’, but of thoughts, behaviors & actions of people in it. Then understand the ‘why’ people do what they do is ultimately love. This requires learning and expanding your mind & perspective, vs projecting onto ‘the world’, or continuing to see things the same way while it feels so discordant. What you might not be realizing is that if there is love & peace in this place, it gets here through you… and it changes everything. It makes life sweet, divine, and so much more than worthwhile. There are really no words which can convey just how much loving, understanding, accepting & forgiving can change ‘the world’ and your entire experience of it, and how this all starts with you. Just you, not you untangled with a past or future or others. It is within your power and your power alone to create suffering or not. Get all the help available to you obviously, but recognize you must make that choice to move from trauma & projection to understanding & liberation. There are millions of people passionate about helping you with where the water is, how to uncover it, etc, but no one can make you drink it. You have to want to. You have to choose to put how you feel well above what you think, others, a past, your life - everything. And I really mean what you think about anything and everything. Past, future, yourself, others, reality, God, Love. Life will not do. Death will not do. Suffering will not do. Only truth, love & understanding will do. 

Don’t attempt to hold perspectives of discord, and accept them. That’s not what acceptance is. Don’t accept the discord, the suffering - transcend it by owning it, taking responsibility for choosing perspectives of discord or alignment, recognizing it is not ‘the world’ which feels off - but your own views & perspectives. Please don’t use this comment to ‘add to the fire’, so to speak. Use it to start to Realize you must be pretty infinitely Good - because some perspectives just don’t jive with the Goodness you eternally are. 

Also, when you do make that choice, the Inner Kriya… all the stuff you learned from therapists which seemed like it didn’t help, totally helps. 

That choosing of well being changes everything, and all that stuff you learned is made new in love & understanding. 

It can not possibly be overstated - nothing needs to be added, things need to be let go. The truth, the true nature, you - are like a cork. When the self imposed weight upon is let go, you float, rise, feel & know the Goodness that you are, effortlessly. 

There are people specifically trained and uniquely compassionate who can help with suicidal thoughts…
https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
https://www.suicidehotlines.net/international.html

[Person0]

@OctagonOctopus I enjoyed art before but being forced to do it caused me to lose all my passion and drive. The rest of the things weren’t things I enjoyed, I only did them to get higher on the survival ladder. I didn’t enjoy them.

@Nahm Because I haven’t realized love or infinity yet, it’s hard for me to grasp those concepts. No matter how hard I tried I still couldn’t understand, so I’m just left with my pain. If someone hurts you in life first hand (let’s say physically for example), it’s hard to believe that it’s a projection of my mind. It seems all too real. I’ve watched a lot of Leo’s videos including the brutal nature of love. It’s extremely hard to let go and to own and transcend the harshness of the world. I want to be spiritually advanced. But I have failed so far and I have given up. I have no hope anymore. I will try to continue as far as I can.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your help.