Do you feel like something's missing?

[ivankiss]

Do you feel like you're lacking something?

Is there anything you think you need in order to be whole and at peace? 

I often find myself in that spot. 

I miss someone, something... to complete me. To make me whole. To encourage me. To empower me. To understand me. I miss having that one true friend. I miss having that lover who sees into my soul. I miss a shoulder to cry on. I miss a father figure. An emotionally available mother. I miss knowing what it's like to have a family. I miss the sense of belonging somewhere. I miss knowing what it's like to achieve my goals. To realize my visions and dreams. To do what I said I would do.

I miss a lot of stuff. Not all the time... But when I do; it's always heavy on my heart.

I feel so alone. Deep down I always have.

I struggle to face reality. I am afraid of The Truth. I know what I'm looking for is not there. No one will ever understand me. No one will ever see me as I am. No one will ever love me for who I am. 

Only I can do that. 

I don't know how. But I know I can.

What I'm really missing is myself. What I'm truly lacking is a portion of my awareness that's wandering and seeking for something other than what's already here. It's not in the past. It's not in the future. It's not in that person. It's not in that dream or goal.

It's right here in me. 

I am home. All alone. Best start loving it.

[Grateful Dead]

right in the feels ?

[Flowerfaeiry]

Are you sure its yourself? I mean, that's what they say but I still don't know.

[Muhammad Jawad]

5 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Do you feel like you're lacking something?

Yes

[seeking_brilliance]

Why don't you try loving yourself through me? I don't mind being a friend and vessel ? feel free to talk to me anytime, about anything. I'm a friendly tulpa. 

Why do you think I've been encouraging so much art on this forum? Because left to my own devices, my art flutters and stops. But when I create more characters who encourage me and critique me and provide their own art for reflection, my art suddenly flourishes.  It's all about Art, man! 

Or like my lucid dreaming thread. I love helping people lucid dream for a very selfish reason, simply because it attracts more lucid dreaming for me. But I need someone to talk it all out with because I don't trust myself to do the practices of my own merit. So I create people to challenge myself. I started a thread and look how many have already arrived. 

'build it, and they will come' - - field of dreams. 

Edited January 18, 2021 by seeking_brilliance

[Just Timothy]

After one of my tr1ps I realized that I already have all other figures in me as well, including females. It was even kinda hot. 
 

@ivankiss  Now imagine all the comments here are “you” talking with yourself : p

 

 

[ivankiss]

10 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Are you sure its yourself? I mean, that's what they say but I still don't know.

Pretty sure. I know how to get there, but I don't know how to stay. For some reason I keep abandoning myself.

@Muhammad Jawad What do you miss brother?

@seeking_brilliance Thanks, that's very nice of you. I understand what you mean.

I heal myself by giving a voice to the part of me that's wounded. Whether it's through my music or through threads like this. It just wants to be heard and acknowledged. It wants to feel like it matters. Like it's not less than anything. Like its experience is just as valid and important as all the other shiny, transcendental stuff I often speak of. 

Thing is; sometimes I don't even know how to articulate these feelings. Words just don't give it justice. It can be quite paralyzing. I feel devastated. Exhausted. Betrayed. Fooled. Neglected. Abandoned. Humiliated. 

Heavy stuff...

@Just Timothy Feel ya. But what happens when you descend?

@Tim Ho We already are. It can only seem as if we're not. Hella convincing, but not the case.

@acidgoofy ❤

 

[seeking_brilliance]

38 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

Thing is; sometimes I don't even know how to articulate these feelings. Words just don't give it justice. It can be quite paralyzing. I feel devastated. Exhausted. Betrayed. Fooled. Neglected. Abandoned. Humiliated. 

Heart does. Pull out what words you can, and our two hearts will meet in the middle and bask in the abstract together. No need to explain everything perfectly, it's not our heads that are listening ? (for example, when I said 'two hearts') 

EXPRESS YOURSELF!! maybe no one's listening, but the heart speaks volumes. To itself, through itself. 

@ivankiss

Edited January 18, 2021 by seeking_brilliance

[James123]

13 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Do you feel like you're lacking something?

Is there anything you think you need in order to be whole and at peace? 

I often find myself in that spot. 

I miss someone, something... to complete me. To make me whole. To encourage me. To empower me. To understand me. I miss having that one true friend. I miss having that lover who sees into my soul. I miss a shoulder to cry on. I miss a father figure. An emotionally available mother. I miss knowing what it's like to have a family. I miss the sense of belonging somewhere. I miss knowing what it's like to achieve my goals. To realize my visions and dreams. To do what I said I would do.

I miss a lot of stuff. Not all the time... But when I do; it's always heavy on my heart.

I feel so alone. Deep down I always have.

I struggle to face reality. I am afraid of The Truth. I know what I'm looking for is not there. No one will ever understand me. No one will ever see me as I am. No one will ever love me for who I am. 

Only I can do that. 

I don't know how. But I know I can.

What I'm really missing is myself. What I'm truly lacking is a portion of my awareness that's wandering and seeking for something other than what's already here. It's not in the past. It's not in the future. It's not in that person. It's not in that dream or goal.

It's right here in me. 

I am home. All alone. Best start loving it.

Unfortunately, these unwanted feelings, suffering, expectations vs.. comes from so-called  “I”. Let  go and surrender the belief of “I”, such as “life”. You are already what you are. 
 

Life is suffering.

Buddha

 

[ivankiss]

@seeking_brilliance Bless you ❤

@James123 If only it was that simple...

'You' are not the one that lets go of anything.

You are all of it. Face it, accept it, show it Love. Then it will 'let go' of you.

[James123]

24 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@James123 If only it was that simple...

'You' are not the one that lets go of anything.

It is simple and direct brother. I am already what i am. Rest is just a thought.

24 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

You are all of it. Face it, accept it, show it Love. Then it will 'let go' of you

Love is not forceable. Surrender. Than Become it. 

Edited January 18, 2021 by James123

[zeroISinfinity]

@ivankiss Oh man just don't. 

[ivankiss]

@James123

This is how surrender is playing out for me. I let it all be. I don't negate or deny anything.

Let me put it this way;

If someone was to cut you real deep with a knife... Would you say 'there is no I to feel this pain' ? Would you hover above life then? Or would you try to stop the bleeding? Clean the wound and put a bandage over it?

It's all cool while we sit in our room and pretend to be enlightened.

Life is another story. 

[wesyasz]

14 hours ago, ivankiss said:

I know what I'm looking for is not there. No one will ever understand me. No one will ever see me as I am. No one will ever love me for who I am.

What if holding that belief actually prevent you from experiencing someone who actually would be there? 
What's wrong with having a friend and lover to share the experience? If I remember well, Eckhart Tolle once said that on a human level there will be always a pull between female and male. Maybe not even to complete, but to appreciate the other. 
On a human level, body needs to eat, sleep, drink water and also touch, this makes things much easier and more enjoyable. 
I think sometimes it's worth to remember those as well, instead of pretending that we don't need anything or anyone. 
Ram Dass once said, that his invisible friend Emmanuel  told him once: Why don't you just try to be a human for a change?

[seeking_brilliance]

@ivankiss I was feeling like this for years since teenage or before. Had a really really bad experience in public school from 6th grade to graduation. Then suddenly I moved away to college and could make friends with ease, but then there was the emptiness I tried to fill with romantic relationships. Anyway, yes of course many many people experience this, it's similar to the kind of hole that people try and fill with dogmatic religion, with varying results. Emptiness. Incompleteness.  A nostalgic sorrow. Loneliness. 

Even after years of self development and on this forum, much was healed (relatively speaking) but I still felt this.  Lost.  Free, yet still lost in my own nostalgic sorrow for something I once took for granted: a wellspring of inner joy. 

And then... Covid hit and I was off for thirty days.  I was not lazy, and started like ten different projects. Started a website and also a community covid group on Facebook. Dabbled in so many things that I never had time for lately. And I discovered writing again after many years of ignoring.

I found something, a spark, or whatever... something. ME (the only way I can describe it) I fell in love with myself, all over again. True love.  Unconditional true love for myself, whoever I happen to be from time to time.  And life has not let up AT ALL, but I still find peace in the storm because I fucking LOVE myself. I WANT to be alone. It's rather entertaining, and characters just pop up everywhere like magic.

Alone does not equal lonely. 

[James123]

12 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@James123

This is how surrender is playing out for me. I let it all be. I don't negate or deny anything.

Of course brother. Whatever makes you happy. 
 

 

13 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

If someone was to cut you real deep with a knife... Would you say 'there is no I to feel this pain' ? Would you hover above life then? Or would you try to stop the bleeding? Clean the wound and put a bandage over it?

It's all cool while we sit in our room and pretend to be enlightened.

Life is another story. 

“I” already have lost everything that connects ego to life. Otherwise, of course it is very hard for ego to surrender. But believe it, when you really, really let go the ego, and realize what you are, ego becomes more sharper than that knife, more painful and suffering. 

When you lost everything you are free to do anything. Fight Club.

Much love! 
Peace!
 

[Someone here]

IMO it's natural consequence of the universe's constant change. You are always becoming and never being. 

[ivankiss]

@wesyasz That could be tha case, yes. That's precisely why I'm addressing these thoughts and feelings. No other way around it.

@seeking_brilliance Very inspiring. Can relate. Both to the highs and lows. But I feel like this time around I'm dealing with something deeper. Sure; it would be very nice to have all those surface level things I mentioned. But really, it all comes down to fear of being. Not just being Ivan. Being all of it, at once.

Even the dark side of everything.

@James123 Nonsense, sorry. I see no transcendence in your words. I see denial and airy-fairy talk.

You lost everything? Everything but the comfort of your home and your internet connection? C'mon dude.

'There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.'

@Someone here Yeah, I'd say it's both. Always being and forever becoming/changing.

 

 

Edited January 18, 2021 by ivankiss

[seeking_brilliance]

[The Buddha]

Self-Love:

One of the best videos of Leo. When I feel like you do, this video really helps me