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Don Wei

Sexual Trauma

20 posts in this topic

When I was 15 I was extremely lonely and desperate, so when someone who I thought was a woman started talking to me on social media I was very happy at the time, and some of the people who I thought wrre good friends at the time got nude pics from girls at my old school. So at one point during the conversation I got out of control and I asked for nude pics. To my suprise the person started dirty talking and asked me to send pics first, after that she would send back. So that's what I did and she sended me pics too, I was so out of control that I didn't question that she didn't hold the camera in any of the photo's. After doing this back and forth for a while I stopped. And I felt great, like there was finally someone who liked me I thought. But then later at night she started texting me constantly and asking me money, that's when I started to get nervous. I told her I didn't have any money and that I was only 15. Then she sended me screenshots with my nude photo's some of which had my face in it, at that time I was extremely naïve. She also sended me screenshots of all my friends on facebook and instagram which included almost everybody who went to the same high school as me, family members, friends, aquintances, adults that I knew, people I looked up to, basically almost everybody I knew and I was already very depressed at that time. He threatened to send all my photos to everybody I know and I wasn't able to do anything about it. I told my parents and they threatened to call the cops. He stopped (I realized it was a man) and we went to the police but they werent able to help me at all. And for the next two years he has been stalking me online and using different accounts to stalk me and threaten me, I was so traumatized I deleted all the pictures of the first incident. And somehow my phone stopped working a week after the first incident. So I lost all the evidence. The authorities werent able to help me because they didn't take me serious. Instead they literally laughed at me and started questioning me instead like I am a criminal... all because i'm a man, and people think for some reason that men are always supposed to fix their own shit and suck it up and that we never encounter problems like this. That's exactly what I did. I tried to run away from it for two years but everytime a female thats good looking sends me a friend request I get extremely paranoid and scared. This is the is the only place where I think I can tell this without being ridiculed and treated like shit. I already did a lot of self help, I've been doing a lot of that, but this problem with my dating life feels so hard to remove, it has ruined my dating life right now, and it's hard for me to trust any women who shows interest, because I have also been manipulated, scammed, robbed, hurt etc this way before.

How do I fix this problem ? It feels like things I used to fix other emotional problems almost don't work on this problem, the pain and emotions automatically turn on at these moments, it then feels like i'm on fire and my harts gonna explode.

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Jesus this is a horrible thing to happen to someone of that age. I would recommend seeking out therapy, also read the body keeps the score and look into some of the work by Gabor Mate. Luckily most women you can trust so try not to close off your heart. As a rule from now on never send anyone you havent met before and built trust with nude photos, opted to try and meet girls in real life so you know they are real. 

Take the stance to not let this effect your dating life, turth is yes therr are people out there who have bad intentions, ive met my fair share of them but you meed to put yourself out there and make mistakes so you can learn.  Eventually you can get to a place where you can suss people out very quickly. 

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Oh my that’s awful. I’m so sorry that happened to you. But you will get over it, I’m sure! Therapy would be great, yes. Also self-inquiry. Also, work on forgiving your self. Deeply understand you were a kid and naive. The person who did this to you really should be in a bad place in life. Forgive him too. Not for his sake, but for yours. Comprehend deeply the reason why every little thing happened at the time, even if it’s only your perspective and relative. With compreension comes acceptance, with acceptance, forgiveness and peace. 

Also try small interactions with women, just so you proove yourself they can be trusted, even if that’s comes with anxiety. Just push a little bit outside of your confort zone, in the measure you feel it would be good for you.

i wish you the best and much much love

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I was in a similar situation at some point, couldn't trust any women after what I've been through because of some of them.

Except starting to meditate everyday, I don't really have anything more to add, except that you can go through this, as I did.

It probably won't be easy, being abused like this kind of create a trauma that takes time to heal, but it will heal if you work on it ?

 


Spirituality is not the renunciation of life

It is the art of living fully

 

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That's very awful. I'm sorry you had to deal with it. 

However please tell yourself that this was in no way your fault. You were only 15 and irrespective of age, it's never your fault but the fault of the person who commits the crime. So please don't blame yourself for it. It's not your mistake at all. 

People who are sociopathic in some ways do such horrible things to others and you must try every bit of effort to not let them win. Remember that when someone does wrong to you, it says more about that person than you. It reflects badly on them. 

You can try not to think or ruminate on it because it creates a cycle of bad memory, best to work hard on forgetting it. 

And when it comes to dating, focus more on offline dating, especially given your situation the best option for you is to directly meet the person in a place that is comfortable for you. That way you won't have those anxious feelings.  

Also this incident could have directly impacted your self esteem. So I suggest you to read resources on developing a healthy self esteem. 

Think of this situation as an unfortunate accident that needs to be forgotten. 

If the man continues to harass you,just ignore that person. Ignoring people like that kinda sets them off and eventually they give up. 

I hope you find healing 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

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Also we're here for you and we love you.

Sounds clichee, but it's true ???


Spirituality is not the renunciation of life

It is the art of living fully

 

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yeah these are the struggles men can face that our society often writes off. It irritates me that people believe that men have it so easy in this society. I feel for you bro. That is such an awful thing. I think the proper therapist will help for sure! You're in my thoughts and prayers. Us men gotta support each other! Cuz often nobody takes our problems seriously. 

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@Don Wei

I also had a really bad relationship experience at that age.

Truthfully I'm not even sure if I'm over it. But I know you have to feel it to heal it.

You may want to seek some sort of professional help to walk you through dealing with this.


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@Don Wei  Holy shit, that's among the worst things to happen to anybody, very sorry to hear this happen to you.

   This reminded me of traumas I've had dealing with bullies in my schooling, and some of them female bullies. You might want to seek a therapist and self introspect this situation.

5 hours ago, Globalcollective said:

Jesus this is a horrible thing to happen to someone of that age. I would recommend seeking out therapy, also read the body keeps the score and look into some of the work by Gabor Mate. Luckily most women you can trust so try not to close off your heart. As a rule from now on never send anyone you havent met before and built trust with nude photos, opted to try and meet girls in real life so you know they are real. 

Take the stance to not let this effect your dating life, turth is yes therr are people out there who have bad intentions, ive met my fair share of them but you meed to put yourself out there and make mistakes so you can learn.  Eventually you can get to a place where you can suss people out very quickly. 

   I would go further and say no to any nude pictures at all. Not even in a real intimate relationship, no thank you to a nude photo album.

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@Don Wei omg I'm so sorry that you've been through this. Currently there is a guy that is stalking me, he made a dozen os accounts since last summer and still stalking me and says he's gonna send the nudes to everyone and he's lunatic. 

Just don't date when it is online, try to schedule dates with people u meet in real life. Internet can be very dangerous sometimes. 

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@egoeimai I'm sorry to hear about that. Does that man live in your country? 

And if he does, can you file a complaint with the police? 

If he is from a different country, filing a complaint can be almost impossible. 

I agree that online dating can be very dangerous. Don't ever do that. Some of my girlfriends are suffering similar situations. 

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

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@Preety_India in fact I don't know anything about him. He claims he lives in my city but I can't prove anything. He only sends me d pics and when he opens the camera he shows only his d. I've made my account private but he saved my nudes from last summer. He is crazy and i don't know anything about him. Every account has a different name and he said he lives in my city but every time different area. He is creepy. I've blocked all his accounts and he makes more. He says he loves me and wants to f me and meet me irl and maybe get in a relationship with me if I like him irl. Lol 

He annoys the f out of me but it was fun to chat at the beginning. I kept asking him to reveal himself but he always asks for nudes in favor. Anyways. I don't think he can harm me. I always block him. I just think he's crazy. I hope he isn't someone I know at least, because this would freak me out the most. 

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If you're into it, smoke some weed solo. Then sit and imagine a conversation in your head that you would have with a therapist if you had one. Literally narrate the entire conversation in your head. It works for me, I've been giving myself therapy for more than 4 years now in this way. I also have sexual trauma in a similar fashion to what you have experienced. If it gets out of hand, please contact a real therapist. Please heal yourself with self love and forgiveness. You deserve it.

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@Globalcollective yes i'm doing my best not to close it off but it can get difficult especially online

@Barbara alright I'll definitely try meeting more women then when this whole corona thing is over

@Shin Yeah I understand I also tried many different forms of self improvement in dating, at one point I was red pill but I don't agree with everything they say and I found out that just having more sex is nice but does not truly make you happier

@Preety_India i'm not gonna online dating anymore I was already thinking about that for a while, for some reason I don't really feel attracted to the women I see on dating apps and it's almost like they just match with you to boost their ego but when I chat with them they just ignore me and I have really good pictures on there too so it's really starting to annoy me

@Axiomatic thats very true, if I wasn't a guy this problem maybe might have already been solved or not

@MsNobody thanks, aprreciate it ?

@egoeimai That sucks, I don't think i'm gonna really do online dating again then, I tried to distract myself from these thoughts by watching a movie last week, but the movie was the one with Keanu Reeves called Knock Knock.... It might have been the worst movie on the planet I could have picked to forget my trauma. I really hope the guy you're talking about stops because that really is no way to live, always watching you're back and waiting for the next time he tries to blackmail you, that's what I think about at my low points.

I promised myself I wasn't gonna go in a relationship either for the next couple of years because harder to focus on your purpose that way and i'm at a point where I don't have much time. I'm writing books right now but i'm also in university at the same time so there are many things that fill up my time, but I sometimes do feel very tempted to go in a relationship, is that because of a scarcity mindset or because my past relation was very toxic, or is it another reason ? Why do I suddenly feel the need to go in a relationship ? Is the solution maybe internal ?

Thanks guys for the support I really appreciate it, this is really a safe place for me where I can talk about topics most don't understand and be myself.

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@North Sea I don't know about smoking weed man... I do live in the netherlands, I can easily get weed it's not even illegal in a lot of places here, but I still don't know if I need to try it or not. Maybe it will automatically hapoen at some point in my life. Almost every person I know has done it here in the Netherlands especially the ones who live in Amsterdam lol

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@Don Wei  Take it easy bro, definitely don't smoke if you don't want to. The reason I suggested it is because it can put you in a mindstate where you understand your trauma and accept it more easily. Basically weed can bootstrap self-love if you want. That is the most important thing, self-love. It is really the only force that can heal your trauma. Luckily you are in control of your own self-love. You have to dive into your own hurt and give it love.

The hardest part about fear and suffering is the fact that it totally deludes your vision and consciousness on the issue. So the reason some traumas are very hard to heal is because the trauma itself distorts your reality so much that it can actually become worse over time. If you could see your trauma clearly, it is much easier to respond with self-love. This is why weed sometimes helped me, to calm down and look at the situation "from above". It is crucial that you fully accept the situation how it happened. I know this is very hard but you can work on it every day, it is what I'm doing as well.

If you ever try weed don't smoke much the first time cause it can trip you out if you don't know what you're doing.

Again bro, Self-Love. the best advice I can give you as someone who partly knows what you're going through.

I love you bro, please love and heal yourself.

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@Don Wei Hey man, I'm very sorry that you went through all of this without support from anyone. Thank you for opening up and posting this thread here. It was a very brave thing to do and the fact that you decided to heal your wounds is admirable.

I don't have much advice given how much has been said in this thread. The only thing that i'm going to say is that you should realize that it was not your fault. It is never your fault for being taken advantage of. You can learn from this, you can be wiser next time, but it was not your fault. There is a big pressure on us men to behave like we don't feel anything, but this pressure is false and harmful. The fact that you took ownership of your heart and made a decision to heal makes you much more of a man than most men will ever even aspire to. This is how sorry the state of masculinity is  and this is why I consider you to be a hero.

Good luck and godspeed!


The true heresy is hearsay.

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