Pernani

How to fall in love without losing yourself?

23 posts in this topic

I'm interested in figuring out how one can fall in love in a romantic relationship, establish a deep intimate connection with all the vulnerability that's required from that, and not suffer from the neediness or emotional attachment that may result from that? 

I'm asking because I've recently been into a relationship that was very loving and nurturing for a few years, only for it to end with me getting very emotionally attached and the immense amount of pain that comes from that. I think it was a growing experience, but it also seemed like the more vulnerable you allow yourself to be with someone to create a genuine loving connection, the more you set yourself for actually sabotaging the relationship or just experiencing a terrible heatbreak because life had a different say in the matter.

Any thoughts or videos are appreciates (:

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@Pernani Leo's video on dealing with break up is a good one. Personally, i do not have your experience even though i have experienced immense heart pain due to rejection. I doubt it is at the quantity that you are experiencing it however. My advice is to try to meet new people, date them and focus on with your life. If you have a great life to begin with, it will be harder to get needy attached. Also do a solo retreat somewhere. It will really help you embody the idea that you can be perfectly happy and at peace by yourself. Hope any of this helps

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I don't think vulnerability and attachment are related to each other. You can be vulnerable but detached, and you can be closed-off but needy. These two factors seem totally unrelated in my experience. Maybe the answer is that it's not about how vulnerable you can be in a relationship, and it is better to be vulnerable than closed-off because relationships are built on trust and trust comes from vulnerability. Maybe the answer is that you should work on the attachment problem. Generally speaking, attachment and obsessions are coping mechanisms that result from lack. If there's abundance, it's nearly impossible to develop these conditions. Now abundance can be a little bit tricky because there may be abundance in reality but scarcity in the mind, in which case there will be attachment. Like someone who has billions of dollars and still fears poverty. That's scenario #1. Scenario #2 is lack of abundance in reality. Like a poor person who has very little money to live on, so he would have to be very strict about the way he spends it, which would make him develop scarcity mindset because he is in fact in scarcity. And scarcity mindset is nothing but attachment to money, but in case of poverty it's kinda justified I guess, or maybe not, I'm not sure. But anyway, if we want to be practical, the best way to treat scarcity would be by becoming rich. In which case you would have to develop abundance both in your mind and your reality. To develop an abundant mind, you have to develop more authenticity and self-love. To develop an abundant life, you have to work at it by going out and meeting people and getting rejected and accepting the rejection and becoming a more compatible person etc...

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2 hours ago, Pernani said:

I'm interested in figuring out how one can fall in love in a romantic relationship, establish a deep intimate connection with all the vulnerability that's required from that, and not suffer from the neediness or emotional attachment that may result from that? 

I'm asking because I've recently been into a relationship that was very loving and nurturing for a few years, only for it to end with me getting very emotionally attached and the immense amount of pain that comes from that. I think it was a growing experience, but it also seemed like the more vulnerable you allow yourself to be with someone to create a genuine loving connection, the more you set yourself for actually sabotaging the relationship or just experiencing a terrible heatbreak because life had a different say in the matter.

Any thoughts or videos are appreciates (:

ohhh so what you're actually asking is, how do I fall in love to lose myself ;)

To elaborate, you can only suffer from neediness or emotional attachment if you have yourself. Let yourself drop away then there's no one to get needy or emotionally attached, you can't be attached as pure emptiness. And being pure emptiness just means to dive into and fully immerse into that love you have for the other person, while dropping all thoughts and beliefs and ideologies and concepts and ideas about what that love is, where it comes from, who you have it for, what it says about yourself, how to get it in the future, why you got it, when you will or did get it, how it compares to others feelings of love, etc etc etc. Just fall into the pure abstract love/feeling of it without all the thoughts describing what it is. Just drop all those thoughts like you're playing a game of whack a mole.

Edited by electroBeam

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4 hours ago, Pernani said:

establish a deep intimate connection with all the vulnerability that's required from that, and not suffer from the neediness or emotional attachment that may result from that?

It's like you bought a dog and are now asking, "But how do I get it to stop eating?"

That's never gonna happen.

The entire function of this relationship (why you want it at all) is to fill a hole in your life. So of course if this relationship should ever end (and it always does), you will suffer. The better the relationship, the more its end will hurt you.

When you sign up for an intimate relationship it is like you are strapping yourself into a rollercoaster.

That's what a relationship is. And that's what you want it to be, too. You want that thrill and drama. You get off on it.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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@Leo Gura How comes many spiritual teachers are in relationships? Are they also filling a hole?


"Wanting keeps me from the awareness I already have it. I already am it.” — Byron Katie

 

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3 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

@Leo Gura How comes many spiritual teachers are in relationships?

Cause they got nothing else to do.

Quote

Are they also filling a hole?

Of course.

The only reason to be in a relationship with anyone or anything is to fulfill something you lack.

Think about it. Why else would you relate to anything? If you relate to anything, it is giving you some payoff.

Which is why the wisest sages live alone in a cave. They need nothing but God. But of course living alone in a cave is boring as fuck.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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@Leo Gura So the teachers who are in relationships are not furthering their enlightenment? They are not fully awake?


"Wanting keeps me from the awareness I already have it. I already am it.” — Byron Katie

 

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9 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

@Leo Gura So the teachers who are in relationships are not furthering their enlightenment? They are not fully awake?

No, I never said that.

You can be deeply enlightened but then what? You got another 40 years to live. What are you gonna do with all that time?

A relationship is a way to spice up your life. Nothing wrong with that. As long as you understand that's what you're doing.

I am not saying you shouldn't do relationships. I'm just saying, understand why you do relationships. The spice has a cost. It ain't free.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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@Leo Gura Can you be in a relationship, and in the same time work on deepening your enlightenment? Because in that case, you have something to do.


"Wanting keeps me from the awareness I already have it. I already am it.” — Byron Katie

 

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5 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

@Leo Gura Can you be in a relationship, and in the same time work on deepening your enlightenment? Because in that case, you have something to do.

Of course.

Relationships are good grist for the mill of consciousness work. Nothing reveals your ego more than an intimate relationship. There is much to be learned from relationships.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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@Leo Gura But you also said that the wisest sages live alone. Why is that? Is being alone better for consciousness work?


"Wanting keeps me from the awareness I already have it. I already am it.” — Byron Katie

 

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@How to be wise Come on dude, its a matter of personal choice. Some people would probally do conscioussness work all alone, and some may still be in relationships, there is pro and cons in both ways. But at the end it doesnt matter, you all alone as God. No one to share this Love and beauty with.. 

Edited by PeaceOut96

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@Leo Gura "if this relationship should ever end ( and it always does)" Why it always does?

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

It's like you bought a dog and are now asking, "But how do I get it to stop eating?"

That's never gonna happen.

The entire function of this relationship (why you want it at all) is to fill a hole in your life. So of course if this relationship should ever end (and it always does), you will suffer. The better the relationship, the more its end will hurt you.

When you sign up for an intimate relationship it is like you are strapping yourself into a rollercoaster.

That's what a relationship is. And that's what you want it to be, too. You want that thrill and drama. You get off on it.

 

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16 minutes ago, Poop said:

Why it always does?

Every stick has two ends.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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6 hours ago, Pernani said:

How to fall in love without losing yourself?

Take conscious ownership of your survival needs. This helps to both alleviate your attachment and deepens your relationship by letting the other person speak of her needs freely.


The true heresy is hearsay.

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10 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

I don't think vulnerability and attachment are related to each other. You can be vulnerable but detached, and you can be closed-off but needy. These two factors seem totally unrelated in my experience. Maybe the answer is that it's not about how vulnerable you can be in a relationship, and it is better to be vulnerable than closed-off because relationships are built on trust and trust comes from vulnerability. Maybe the answer is that you should work on the attachment problem. Generally speaking, attachment and obsessions are coping mechanisms that result from lack. If there's abundance, it's nearly impossible to develop these conditions. Now abundance can be a little bit tricky because there may be abundance in reality but scarcity in the mind, in which case there will be attachment. Like someone who has billions of dollars and still fears poverty. That's scenario #1. Scenario #2 is lack of abundance in reality. Like a poor person who has very little money to live on, so he would have to be very strict about the way he spends it, which would make him develop scarcity mindset because he is in fact in scarcity. And scarcity mindset is nothing but attachment to money, but in case of poverty it's kinda justified I guess, or maybe not, I'm not sure. But anyway, if we want to be practical, the best way to treat scarcity would be by becoming rich. In which case you would have to develop abundance both in your mind and your reality. To develop an abundant mind, you have to develop more authenticity and self-love. To develop an abundant life, you have to work at it by going out and meeting people and getting rejected and accepting the rejection and becoming a more compatible person etc...

Thanks for your input! From my experience, it's almost rare to find someone you're so compatible with, with which you can develop a deep intimate connection. And even developing that connection is a process that takes time. So how would one go about creating abundance in reality when it comes to that? Cause it's not the same as just going out and hooking up with different people (which I admit, I haven't even tried doing that yet). Or maybe this perceived "rarity" is coming from a scarcity mindset itself.. What do u think?

8 hours ago, electroBeam said:

ohhh so what you're actually asking is, how do I fall in love to lose myself ;)

To elaborate, you can only suffer from neediness or emotional attachment if you have yourself. Let yourself drop away then there's no one to get needy or emotionally attached, you can't be attached as pure emptiness. And being pure emptiness just means to dive into and fully immerse into that love you have for the other person, while dropping all thoughts and beliefs and ideologies and concepts and ideas about what that love is, where it comes from, who you have it for, what it says about yourself, how to get it in the future, why you got it, when you will or did get it, how it compares to others feelings of love, etc etc etc. Just fall into the pure abstract love/feeling of it without all the thoughts describing what it is. Just drop all those thoughts like you're playing a game of whack a mole.

That's very interesting.. Basically doing your best to just love for love's sake, without creating an identity out of it. What does it take to be able to do that?

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

It's like you bought a dog and are now asking, "But how do I get it to stop eating?"

That's never gonna happen.

The entire function of this relationship (why you want it at all) is to fill a hole in your life. So of course if this relationship should ever end (and it always does), you will suffer. The better the relationship, the more its end will hurt you.

When you sign up for an intimate relationship it is like you are strapping yourself into a rollercoaster.

That's what a relationship is. And that's what you want it to be, too. You want that thrill and drama. You get off on it.

So you're saying if one is "full", they wouldn't want an intimate relationship in the first place. What does "full" mean here? Enlightened? Unconditionally self loving?

In my experience, I get very averted to drama (especially when I notice it in myself). I care more about a genuine connection, I find there's something beautiful in that. But I like how you said "nothing reveals your ego more than intimate relationship", cause I find that very true from my experience too.

I feel like I'm failing at connecting the dots somewhere lol

4 hours ago, tsuki said:

Take conscious ownership of your survival needs. This helps to both alleviate your attachment and deepens your relationship by letting the other person speak of her needs freely.

Can you elaborate please?

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