Preety_India

How to forgive an abusive ex boyfriend?

32 posts in this topic

@Preety_India I'm going through something kinda similar at the moment. It's not what an ex did to me, but what people in primary school and high school did to me that was pretty messed up. I fantasize about revenge regularly even though it was 12 years ago. So I don't have all the answers.

And people tell you that you have to forgive them, not for them but for yourself, but how does that make sense? How is that fair? It's not. They should suffer and feel regret.

Here's what I learnt so far: you have to write it into your life story in a way that it was actually a success. Instead of something he did to you, it's something he did for you. And however painful it was at the time, you would not trade it for anything, because it taught you to X, it sent you on the path to Y, or Z would not have come into your life if it weren't for that.

I know that is very counterintuitive and hard to find. So take the time to journal until you find it. It took me all yesterday and today to do this for my case, and I sought the help of several people to reframe it. But it's worth it. You have to get to a point where you are grateful that it happened.

 

Here's an example of what I came up with for myself: I had a couple painful years where hardly anybody at school liked me and I was so desperate for acceptance that I attempted to change myself to be more like the cool kids. I changed my look. I imitated behavior. And I got mocked, bullied, spit on, threatened, attacked. Guys who I thought were friends abandoned me whilst I was getting ganged up on and physically threatened. Girls laughed at me for it. The entire school mocked and hated me at one point.

And you know what? I never tried to be like anyone else again. It took awhile to sink in, but I finally developed my own style in the years after that. I dressed how I wanted to dress. Did what I wanted to do. Before those years of pain I had been too scared to be myself. But those bad experiences showed me that I could not avoid the pain of not being accepted by imitating others and betraying myself. That planted a seed. It's years later now and my friends actually list my ability to (have the balls to) do whatever the hell I want, uninhibited by social rules or need for approval, as one of my unique abilities.

 

I'm sure you can come up with something like that for your case, if you brainstorm on it for a couple of days. It's likely that what happened also gave you something you needed to become who you needed to become, in a way you had not considered before.

Hope that helps.

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9 hours ago, tsuki said:

@Preety_India Awesome!

Do you have a friend that will hold your back no matter what? That will not tell you to understand that parasite, to look through his eyes, etc?
That person is where you go when you really want to let your anger out. You don't contact that freak to tell him how much of a lowlife he is. You go to your friend and ask to vent. It is a good idea to ask that friend to help you break contact, be your hotline. You go there and smear shit all over his face and enjoy it. Get everything off your chest.

If there is no such person in your life, a journal is the second best. That, or a therapist.

This is very important. Recognize that you've been hurt and experience it to heal.

This is what I wrote in my journal and felt much better after writing it 

 

People who hurt others are predatory. They get the thrill out of hurting others. They like doing it because it makes them feel powerful, the more hurt they inflict the better, because the feeling of being powerful is very satisfying. 

When you realize that someone is hurting, whether it's a neighbor or a friend or a boyfriend /girlfriend, understand that such people are a huge waste of your time and you're putting your emotional resource at risk. You are simply allowing yourself to be attacked or mistreated and then healing will be a long road. So the best option is to immediately block people who are hurting you and avoid them forever. 

This way you save a lot of unnecessary time wastage, hurt and pain and damage and negative energy. 

This is the biggest lesson to learn while dealing with toxic individuals whether they appear in your family or in your romantic relationships, wherever such people exist, because they can do more harm, cut your losses, empower yourself, take the higher road and move on in life and live life full. 

Don't give such people the satisfaction that they are winning. Don't let yourself be at the mercy of their judgment. 

Immediately block all contact with such people, ghost them completely and move on and live your happy life. 

Your happiness is for you to claim. Take personal responsibility and ownership of your happiness and not let any moron ruin your happiness for you. Be strong and claim your life back from toxic abusive people and their delusional highness. The power belongs to you and only you and when you are riding the happy wave, nobody will ever be able to hurt you again. 

And never allow anyone to have emotional authority over you. Let them not have so much power over your emotions. 

Work hard on your healing and never allow such people in your life ever again. Learn the lesson and keep it. 

 

 

7 hours ago, flowboy said:

@Preety_India I'm going through something kinda similar at the moment. It's not what an ex did to me, but what people in primary school and high school did to me that was pretty messed up. I fantasize about revenge regularly even though it was 12 years ago. So I don't have all the answers.

And people tell you that you have to forgive them, not for them but for yourself, but how does that make sense? How is that fair? It's not. They should suffer and feel regret.

Here's what I learnt so far: you have to write it into your life story in a way that it was actually a success. Instead of something he did to you, it's something he did for you. And however painful it was at the time, you would not trade it for anything, because it taught you to X, it sent you on the path to Y, or Z would not have come into your life if it weren't for that.

I know that is very counterintuitive and hard to find. So take the time to journal until you find it. It took me all yesterday and today to do this for my case, and I sought the help of several people to reframe it. But it's worth it. You have to get to a point where you are grateful that it happened.

 

Here's an example of what I came up with for myself: I had a couple painful years where hardly anybody at school liked me and I was so desperate for acceptance that I attempted to change myself to be more like the cool kids. I changed my look. I imitated behavior. And I got mocked, bullied, spit on, threatened, attacked. Guys who I thought were friends abandoned me whilst I was getting ganged up on and physically threatened. Girls laughed at me for it. The entire school mocked and hated me at one point.

And you know what? I never tried to be like anyone else again. It took awhile to sink in, but I finally developed my own style in the years after that. I dressed how I wanted to dress. Did what I wanted to do. Before those years of pain I had been too scared to be myself. But those bad experiences showed me that I could not avoid the pain of not being accepted by imitating others and betraying myself. That planted a seed. It's years later now and my friends actually list my ability to (have the balls to) do whatever the hell I want, uninhibited by social rules or need for approval, as one of my unique abilities.

 

I'm sure you can come up with something like that for your case, if you brainstorm on it for a couple of days. It's likely that what happened also gave you something you needed to become who you needed to become, in a way you had not considered before.

Hope that helps.

Yea this is a great suggestion as well. Right now I'm working on not giving someone so much power over my emotions that their meanness might ruin me. Not gonna let someone overpower me so much. 


INTP loner..... Live a Roman.  Die a Roman...... Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream. Love it. (I'm more Roman than you'll ever be ) only guys with zero ego and zero passive aggressive can talk to me, rest need not bother 

Preety preety

 

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Did you consider this exercise?

It may be useful for becoming wise.

May not even be needed for now,

but it seems you made a vow.

https://actualized.org/downloads/uncovering-your-childhood-vows-worksheet.docx

 

(Just so there's no misunderstanding: I don't say to not make the decision you made now, or whatever you'll choose.)

What I meant by vow:

9 hours ago, Preety_India said:

You are simply allowing yourself to be attacked or mistreated and then healing will be a long road. So the best option is to immediately block people who are hurting you and avoid them forever.

Edited by peqkno
sent too early

Miracle:    Impossible from an old understanding of reality, but possible from a new one.

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@flowboy @Preety_India 

Do your best to see her/him as the hurt, imperfect and conditioned inner child that she/he is, feel the resentment, frustration and other negatively charged emotions you feel towards him and transmute those into love, forgiveness and compassion by breathing the energy from your root and sacral area into your heart. Emotions are energy in motion in our energetic being, and the emotion literally has to be healed and transmuted through the supernatural and extremely powerful healing energy of the heart (chakra). I learned the hard way that healing and forgiveness is a verb; an act, not an idea.

You hold all those judgments, negative emotions and frustrations, and your job is simply to rid your energetic being from these emotions so you can be free, authentic and freely flowing again! The emotions you feel stem from the other person, but you are the one who holds on to them. Hope this makes sense and helps!

Edited by Darlisto

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I have also been abused by people close to me. So I think I can relate a little bit.

I am still in the process of forgiving, maybe I haven't processed all my emotions yet. Journaling works wonders. Singing is profound for me in dealing with emotions.

If you're dealing with guilt and/or feelings of inferiority and anger and whatever, just remember that it will be okay.

I had to kind of get to know the triggers which subconsciously reminded me of the abuse situation. When you get triggered, etc, just keep breathing deeply and allowing the feelings to pass. Allow yourself to feel lightheaded even. Notice if you judge yourself, and let it go.

In the end you can choose to be the bigger person and forgive, but you must not force yourself. Only do it if you authentically feel ready for it.

Letting go and releasing these emotions can be quite intense so be prepared :)

just my 2 cents.

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Simple, don't let your inability to forgive make you hate yourself. Instead, allow yourself to hate him.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Sorry if this is inappropriate because I couldn't bare reading your posts. But maybe listen to Billie Eilish? She went through it all too and so did Dua Lipa. 

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In my experience the best way to cope with past-life flashbacks is to realize what past, future and present really are. 

He only exists in a cloud of probability. If you consciously or unconsciously choose to think about anything related to him, he exists. For you, in that moment. When you are thinking about something else or choose to be fully present in now, nothing else but the present moment exists. 

If you want to be fully present with your boyfriend, you should cut all the ways for your ex to reach out to you. Don't let him know your phone number. Don't let him know your address. Minimize the possible interactions. Take the responsibility of your mental health and don't let anyone from your past to disturb you. If you want to let go of his unnecessary torture, you simply need to accept what happened between you and him. 

I don't know what stage of coping with PTSD are you in, but it seems like you still need to process what happened in your life. Processing what happened is healthy and necessary. Practice self-love and self-acceptance.

I wish you the best on your healing journey.

Edited by amenX

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27 minutes ago, amenX said:

In my experience the best way to cope with past-life flashbacks is to realize what past, future and present really are. 

He only exists in a cloud of probability. If you consciously or unconsciously choose to think about anything related to him, he exists. For you, in that moment. When you are thinking about something else or choose to be fully present in now, nothing else but the present moment exists. 

If you want to be fully present with your boyfriend, you should cut all the ways for your ex to reach out to you. Don't let him know your phone number. Don't let him know your address. Minimize the possible interactions. Take the responsibility of your mental health and don't let anyone from your past to disturb you. If you want to let go of his unnecessary torture, you simply need to accept what happened between you and him. 

I don't know what stage of coping with PTSD are you in, but it seems like you still need to process what happened in your life. Processing what happened is healthy and necessary. Practice self-love and self-acceptance.

I wish you the best on your healing journey.

Wow. So true. So good. Thank you. I think you are so beautiful in both body and soul.

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@amenX thank you 


INTP loner..... Live a Roman.  Die a Roman...... Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream. Love it. (I'm more Roman than you'll ever be ) only guys with zero ego and zero passive aggressive can talk to me, rest need not bother 

Preety preety

 

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It's like a open wound. If you keep on touching it, it will not heal. 

I agree with @tsuki in the sense that you have to stop contacting him.

I recommend you remove anything that makes you remember of him. Don't contact him (obviously). But also, for example, don't see his stories on Instagram, etc. 

Letting go isn't easy or quick. And compassion/forgiveness aren't always fluffy — both can be raw. Watch Leo's video on feminine vs masculine compassion. 


“There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” ― Dr. Seuss

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