Preety_India

How to forgive an abusive ex boyfriend?

32 posts in this topic

The relationship with one of my exes ended last year. Currently I'm in a stable relationship with a good guy. But I still have flashbacks of whatever happened in my past relationship with this abusive guy. He was emotionally and physically abusive. 

He was a total narcissist pig. 

I want to be able to let go whatever hurt he caused me. I don't want his thoughts. But these thoughts always come to my mind when I'm having free time or if I'm in a pensive mood. 

I want to forget and forgive him and just move on, on an emotional plane and not remain stuck in thinking about all the hurt and pain he caused me. 

Sometimes I get strong emotions of rage and anger and throwing objects at a wall or crying for hours under my pillow. I get this deep grudge like I want him punished in some way, some karma that should happen to him as a way of retribution for what he did to me. 

I constantly feel like he didn't deserve me or the relationship and so he must pay in some way for me to feel that it was a fair game. 

What are some thoughts that will help me deal with the above range of emotions and psyches I'm experiencing currently? 

 

Edited by Preety_India

INTP loner..... Live a Roman.  Die a Roman...... Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream. Love it. (I'm more Roman than you'll ever be ) only guys with zero ego and zero passive aggressive can talk to me, rest need not bother 

Preety preety

 

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I am not gonna go metaphysical here because I know it is not gonna help you.

So, just think about how he didn't choose to be the way he is. He didn't choose how he grew up or whatever that lead him to hurt you.

Everyone that acts in a cruel way is suffering, by definition. I don't know him but I know that he is suffering, so in that sense it IS a fair game.

Now think about how he didn't choose his life but he is suffering, and try to empathize with him.

Why? Because you are happier than him and more loving than him, aren't you? 

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I think what needs to be done here first is to release the anger. It is hard to go straight into acceptance, understanding the abuser and forgiveness stage when you still have anger, feel hurt by what he has done. 

I think journaling about all the stuff he did, crying over it, ranting about him, getting others to validate what a horrible human he was, etc, are the essential steps that cannot be skipped. 

The reason why you are still feeling hurt by him is because you didn’t properly heal from this relationship and other similar relationships in your life. You have to go back to time 0, mourn the first relationship that screwed you over (usually your parents). Dedicate a few days to mourn that relationship. You need to let it out. 

Life gets busy, and often, instead of dealing with our hurts we bury them inside of us. With time all the crap gets stacked and added on and turns into this massive unresolved baggage we carry with us. Proper mourning means days of constant crying and feeling like crap over it. Have you done that with every single relationship? Have you let yourself hit rock bottom and feel the pain? Only once you’re exhausted fully and can’t keep crying over it anymore, comes a true stage of acceptance. But you need to start from relationship 0. 

Edited by Khr

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@Preety_India If he was such a bad piece of shit how did you even get in a relationship with him? Take it as a learning experience. Personally i have been heartbroken too and it sucks but it is what it is. Notice that you might have done to others what he did to you. Maybe you were not abusive or mean but did you ever reject someone that was in love with you? The pain he felt would be close to what you are feeling. It is easy for us to blame others but all this pain is part of a big system where no one is really innocent or guilty. It just is. Nothing grows you emotionally than being fucked "metaphorically" from the opposite sex.

It is good that you have evolved and are dating a good guy now who treats you well. 

Edited by Karmadhi

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The dark energy needs to be seen as the problem, not the person. If this isn't understood, it just spreads from person to person, each one using victimhood to rationalise carrying darkness.

Make it a mission to not carry any of that energy with you into the next lifetime. Otherwise, you could find yourself as the one who is given a horrible childhood and then goes onto abuse others in relationships. As bad as it is being a victim of narcissists, I would never want to actually BE the narcissist. I 'forgive' because I want to divorce from the entire dysfunction. It doesn't belong to us.

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maybe think about how he was mistreated as a kid or something, many people were (if he was) that made him carry anger throughout his life

and then it made him abusive towards you

and now you carry that anger from being mistreated by him. if you can, forgive him and break the cycle of that anger and let it go.

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@Preety_India

It's ok to feel anger, pain, desire for revenge, hurt, etc. In fact feel into them even more.

If it were me, I would sit down, close my eyes, and feel deeper into the emotions without judging or identifying with them. Just simply allowing myself to experience them as they are. 

Then as I feel them completely I also visualize that I am letting them go and actually visualize them leaving my body.

When you feel your emotions deep enough, you become conscious of what they really are and don't identify with the pain anymore. Once you no longer Identify with the pain you will see it is not serving you and you will naturally let it go.

 

You feel anger but you are not anger. You feel desire for revenge but that is not you. You feel hatred but you are not hatred itself and so on.

Edited by Byun Sean

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 "If you showed a caveman our technology, he would think it was magic. And if you showed a modern man magic, he would think it was technology." - Outlast (video game)

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@cuteguy

Sometimes I wonder if him abusing me was a way for him to learn and grow. 

Maybe someday he will sit back and think about our relationship and how much I suffered throughout in tolerating all he did to me. Maybe then his Karma will confront him like a mirror and then that could lead to an awakening of his character. 

Maybe God placed me in his life so that he could learn from this experience that abusing someone is bad and maybe he will learn to empathize with other's emotions. 

 


INTP loner..... Live a Roman.  Die a Roman...... Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream. Love it. (I'm more Roman than you'll ever be ) only guys with zero ego and zero passive aggressive can talk to me, rest need not bother 

Preety preety

 

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Lots of abusive people are actually people who have been abused themselvs (emotionally, physically)

There is one  girl (friend of mine) which i know for long time, when i met that girl back in 2015 she was super cute and good girl. She got in a realationship with a guy(which she claim was very abusive) . Their realationship ended in the beggining of this year. 

Right now this cute, good girl which i knew is total bitch and treat guys pretty poor. I just cannot reconize her, she is totatly different person.

 

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@Preety_India Karma will absolutely make him pay. Have this in mind. This applies to everyone. 

The above thought helps so much and is not illusion. It's actually true. 

Other thoughts are everything that is positive about yourself 

"I'm worthy of love and respect

I deserve good people in my life 

What happened was an opportunity for me to grow and I did. 

I became a stronger person from this 

Now I know even more what I deserve. I deeply believe it. 

There's not a bad person that in some way doesn't get hit by karma. 

The universe is fair and you give what you get. You get what you give. "

 

Always try to think positive because you deserve to be happy. By loving yourself you remove most of the negative thoughts in your mind, because you know, it's because you're worth it. You being happy is number 1 priority. Knowing that you'll not let yourself fall into the negative cycle as easy as you would if you didn't know that. Being mindful helps you remember this. 

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@egoeimai  your words are very encouraging. I felt much better after reading. Thank you. :)


INTP loner..... Live a Roman.  Die a Roman...... Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream. Love it. (I'm more Roman than you'll ever be ) only guys with zero ego and zero passive aggressive can talk to me, rest need not bother 

Preety preety

 

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I am sorry that you had to go thourgh that preety. I don't know anything about you or your situation but I belive that one of the reasons why you struggle to forgive him is because you struggle to forgive yourself.

I belive that you still deep down inside is still angry, frustrerad and judgeing at yourself and that you theirfor project your anger towards him. ( not saying that he isn't an asshole, but you feel like a victim because of what he did)

If you hate others you hate yourself... If you judge others you are judgeing yourself ect and I believe that here is the starting point.

To be able to love yourself, forgive yourself and not judge yourself for who you are and accept the moment ( life as it is)

I am working this out myself, and I see the same patterns in myself. 

Tryng to live more in the now, self compassion and experincing my emotions through mindfulness + journaling about them have helped me a lot,  I think It might help you aswell

all love (:


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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@Preety_India I'd suggest focusing on getting the anger out of your system before trying to forgive that son of a bitch.

When thoughts about wanting to murder that fucker come, change the orientation and focus on yourself, on acknowledging that you've been hurt. Don't judge yourself for wanting to rip his balls off. He deserves it. Focus on you and on your strength that he's been preying on. 

In case you are ashamed of crying, let me tell you this: the amount of work I've done to get my ability to cry back is just absurd.
Crying releases pain and gives you strength to take another step. It is a literal blessing.
If I were to choose to keep crying or laughter, I would pick the former.

Oh, and DON'T contact him, even to tell him how much of a parasite he is.
This is what he wants, validation. 


The true heresy is hearsay.

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@tsuki  he tried to contact me today and he was trying to play the same tune of not taking any accountability. 

So I decided to give him a final piece of my mind.

So I left him this last message for him to reflect on what he did. 

"I wanted to give you a final piece of my mind before my final bye. Never play with a woman's emotions ever again the way you did with me, it fucks up her brain for good. That's how women turn into Crystals and  Marthas  and Preetys.(his other exes that he abused that never talk to him and he used to always bitch about how they never talk to him and blame them for it) They have all been emotionally fucked over for good. You can't just pretend to love a woman and then rip her soul apart. Karma is a bitch. You will have it coming for how much you put me through from day one. you can't delete the horrible emotional scars you gave me. You can't undo how I felt throughout the relationship and the emotional stress and pain you inflicted on me in the name of love. You're what's wrong with society. You can't look at yourself in the mirror. I came as a messenger in your life because you were hurting women too much. Maybe one day you will have your reckoning and that you will recall what you did, what you do to others reflects back to you. That's why Crystal doesn't talk to you and neither will I. I have been hurt, traumatized beyond measure. You won't understand because you're not a woman. You are not loving, you only pretend. True love never hurts. It's only falsehood that hurts. I will try to heal from all the pain you gave me and hope karma counts you in. God exists for those with a clear conscience. God does justice in the end to all who suffer because of people like you. You have no face to show. You can't face God. I am done giving you my piece of mind. 
Bye forever"

 


INTP loner..... Live a Roman.  Die a Roman...... Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream. Love it. (I'm more Roman than you'll ever be ) only guys with zero ego and zero passive aggressive can talk to me, rest need not bother 

Preety preety

 

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@Preety_India Okay, you did what you thought was right, but I need you to promise that you will cut contact with him.
Don't respond to his messages and don't post your own. He will not reflect upon his actions and will give you no closure.
He will not admit to what he did because he knows that you want him to and this gives him the sense of power over you.

Ghost the shit out of him.

I know how difficult it is when hate is knocking on your door. The only purpose of hate is to distract you from your feelings of being hurt. The sooner you see this, the sooner you will be able to make progress. That man is not needed for you to heal the wounds that he inflicted. I repeat, he DOES NOT hold the keys to your healing. He is a parasite and needs to be treated as such. Clean cut, and off to the fire.

Edited by tsuki

The true heresy is hearsay.

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10 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Ghost the shit out of him.

I know how difficult it is when hate is knocking on your door. The only purpose of hate is to distract you from your feelings of being hurt. The sooner you see this, the sooner you will be able to make progress. That man is not needed for you to heal the wounds that he inflicted. I repeat, he DOES NOT hold the keys to your healing. He is a parasite and needs to be treated as such. Clean cut, and off to the fire.

Exactly 

Exactly

Thank you so much. 

Gonna ghost him for good and forever. 

 


INTP loner..... Live a Roman.  Die a Roman...... Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream. Love it. (I'm more Roman than you'll ever be ) only guys with zero ego and zero passive aggressive can talk to me, rest need not bother 

Preety preety

 

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@Preety_India Awesome!

Do you have a friend that will hold your back no matter what? That will not tell you to understand that parasite, to look through his eyes, etc?
That person is where you go when you really want to let your anger out. You don't contact that freak to tell him how much of a lowlife he is. You go to your friend and ask to vent. It is a good idea to ask that friend to help you break contact, be your hotline. You go there and smear shit all over his face and enjoy it. Get everything off your chest.

If there is no such person in your life, a journal is the second best. That, or a therapist.

This is very important. Recognize that you've been hurt and experience it to heal.

Edited by tsuki

The true heresy is hearsay.

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@tsuki  I do have a friend who I talk to. That's a great suggestion because I have so much piled up hurt that I need to vent. I'll also use the journal to vomit all the pain and hurt and trauma I felt. 

Yes I really need that hotline person. And I have a few. They're very awesome and supportive of me. 

6 minutes ago, tsuki said:

This is very important. Recognize that you've been hurt and experience it to heal.

This!!! I need this very much. Recognizing and Healing from all the hurt. 

 


INTP loner..... Live a Roman.  Die a Roman...... Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream. Love it. (I'm more Roman than you'll ever be ) only guys with zero ego and zero passive aggressive can talk to me, rest need not bother 

Preety preety

 

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