Disastrous Mid-Rave Ego Death Becomes Life Changing

[Cubbage]

To preface these series of events, I thought I'd share some of the experiences I've had that lead up to what would be, the most fucked up night of my life. I'm 23 years old and have had vast experience of psychoactive substances, from DMT to meth and everything in between. Early on in my drug taking pursuits around 2014, I was just about coming out of my shell in terms of my social interactions with people. Throughout school I was plagued with what I now know, was moderate to sometimes severe autism. I rarely engaged in activities outside of my computer and most of my best friends at the time were people I spoke to over Skype. It wasn't until sixth form that I properly began going to parties, which there were a whole lot of round here where I live in the Lancaster area. The first night I took a gary (what we call ecstasy tablets in the North), was absolutely life changing. This experience diverged my path in life down several years of 'seshing' (slang for partying) and experimenting with substances with all my mates who I met through the sesh. We were all absolute fuckheads and did a lot of questionable shit looking back, but the majority of it was all great fun and hilarious to look back and see how we've matured as people. Once we began to discover psychedelics, they became our instant drug of choice for raves, parties and nights out, we were hooked on the sheer hilarity of these twisted substances. Everything was all sunshine and rainbows for many years whilst experimenting with LSD, mushrooms and DMT, besides the time I pissed myself in my mates mums bed during my first ego death-like experience on acid and super potent weed, that was pretty messed up. For ages after that insane experience, I desperately tried to figure out what truly happened to me. I thoroughly researched what the deal was with consciousness and how psychedelics tie into the nature of reality. My mate who had another similar chaotic ego death experience where he jumped from my balcony, shattered a table and attempted to dig into the earth with his bare hands was also super into this with me. This led us to further experimentation with higher doses of psychs, focussing more on the introspective aspects of the experience rather than the recreational. it got to a point where I thought I could use psychedelics in any environment, whilst also safely downloading information from the source of reality. How wrong I was.

The date was November 11th 2017, I was 20 at the time. It was the day before my holiday to Prague with three of my mates, and also the night of a drum & bass/bassline event at a venue in Manchester known as 'Antwerp Mansion'. This was an infamous club deep within the Curry Mile (a nickname for a long stretch of road through Rusholme, south Manchester). I knew I really shouldn't be going out the day before my holiday, but alas, the ego won out and I foolishly indulged. We were all at our mates flat who went to university in Manny, getting majorly west off ket, acid, mdma, weed etc. There were about 10 of us who were going to this rave, so we geared ourselves up and consumed the majority of our substances before heading out to the venue, we were wary of the security at the event finding anything on us upon entry so we thought this was our safest option, it really wasn't. I ended up taking 250ug tabs, smoked several joints and had ket on the way to the event. Our mate kek was a serious ket fiend, and took such a ridiculous amount that resulted in him constantly speaking in sheer gibberish the entire duration of our journey and being unable to walk properly. Things were already off to a bad start. Some of us had to help haul him all the way to the venue, which was a good hours walk away. Throughout the trek, we were all rapidly coming up off the chemicals we'd ingested and it became so intense, that we ended up walking past the event and getting split up. The area we were in was causing us a great deal of paranoia, we were getting a myriad of dodgy looks from passers by. This was made even worse when kek pissed on a building that turned out to be a mosque, we were lucky nobody saw. When we got split up, l was with kek and my mate crosshatch when I first started to notice the visuals vastly intensify and my ego began to dissolve. I said to the boys that I was gonna walk back to the flat and ride out the experience, I didn't feel in any fit mental state to go to a rave. They managed to convince me otherwise.

When we rocked up at the queue, each of us got separated within it, and I was left alone to mindfuck myself into oblivion. Whilst queueing up in the dingy alleyway leading up to the dilapidated manor, I started having intense notions of having experienced infinite realities, cycling through them as clear as day in my mind's eye. I began to heavily attach myself to one reality and tamper with the ego death, which was one where kek had been run over by a car. I started to think and talk to myself like this had fully just happened, that kek's head had just been crushed by a car. I began mentioning it to some people with varying reactions, some of em telling me to get fucked, I can't blame em, I was acting like a lunatic, I kept waving my ticket around asking if people knew if it had any information on my friend, who I presumed was dead. When I eventually regrouped with everyone, I was struck with an intense wave of peace, and I almost recouped my ego back from it's demise. Seeing that kek hadn't died was a massive relief, and I did return to a state of sanity for a brief while, until I became so entranced by the music and dancing that I began to merge with everything again. At this point, the hallucinations started to get immensely surreal and dream-like. I looked at the DJ and perceived his twiddling of the dials on the controller as a paramedic defibrillating someone on a stretcher, they were bleeding out majorly. In fact, all the walls and floor seemed to be bleeding away, it truly felt like reality was unfolding upon itself. Whilst looking at everyone dancing, I noticed that everybody had a certain aura to them and each of them with a greater aura had a more filled out, fantastical, detailed appearance. This was in contrast to the people who didn't have the same aura going on, they appeared like blank, fully black humans with no facial features almost like an icon for an unlockable character in a video game. It felt as if I was tapping into infinite intelligence and perceiving each person's karmic backlog, each an individual strand of infinite consciousness, experiencing itself and constantly growing and evolving whilst also being one thing and Nothing simultaneously, of which I was as well. This incredible revelation was met with the most unfortunate outcome. Me and crosshatch walked to another area of the mansion, which was playing some of the most hypnotically bassey drum and bass and bassline tunes I'd ever heard. It was so mesmerising in fact, that I ended up deciding I didn't need my phone anymore and lobbed it across the room, much to crosshatch's surprise. Shortly after this incident, I was started on by this random guy who began to push me about and give me shit for seemingly no reason and people started to defend me whilst I had no clue what was real and what wasn't. This stressful encounter inspired me to get some fresh air, the worst mistake of my life. 

I walked out of the venue and set about strolling down the long stretch of road outside, taking in all the vivid fractals that divided infinitely in every corner of my vision. I began to have the insight that reality is conscious and interconnected on all levels, that this is what all the world's religions and shamanistic practices have been pointing towards, but the truth is hidden after being distilled by the ego. But despite this, it is all part of infinite consciousness' intelligence and desire to live through itself in every form possible by dreaming up infinite realities, all in a bid to experience and love itself in every imaginable way, even in the most unbelievably twisted manners we wouldn't egoically perceive as being 'good'. My whole life experiences and interests began to merge with my environment, I saw the refracting triangle off the dark side of the moon extending deep into the abyss of visuals deep beneath my feet and noticing imagery similar to the movie, the end of evangelion, which initially inspired my spiritual pursuits when I was younger. I felt like I was creating my own sandbox video game through my senses, this was coupled with visions of cars and people that began to move in loops back to their previous point over and over again. I tried talking to several people but to no avail, they all spoke back to me in tongues or seemed to be my own consciousness talking through them asking me about where my life and all the things I'd done, that was particularly weird. At some point during this mind-bending journey, I decided to rid myself of all my clothes, losing my wallet and glasses in the process. I had nothing to hide, for the first time in my life I truly let go. In this dream-like timeless reality I vividly heard all my mates' voices beckoning me back to Antwerp, so I started to sprint. Along the way, a man ran towards me and ended up punching me square in the face, disorienting me big time but also jolting me with adrenaline enough to run across the road, parkouring over cars and walls like some mirror's edge shit. This happened for what felt like ages, I had some disturbing thoughts that made me start running towards a bus to return back to a stage of formlessness, but thankfully I decided against it. It felt like my ego was so far gone, that death wouldn't be any different from what I was experiencing now. I also remember going into a shop naked and drinking a can of fanta grape whilst being chased around the shop by the cashier. Then after that, I ran into a shisha bar and had a puff on one before darting back out. I had no sense of 'other' and did all this gleefully, completely unaware of how many people I had been exposed to. I was surprised but relieved not to hear about it on the news or anything, that would have been dire. 

After running around the curry mile naked as fuck for a while, I was initially apprehended by this person I assumed to be a beefy old man, but was actually just a masculine appearing police woman, who attempted to grapple me to the ground. I imagined I was getting abducted and this 'guy' was gonna take me back to his and rape me. I managed to slip out of her grasp, wriggling around furiously like a fish out of water. I escaped for a short while and hid in a car park, squatting and zoning out but noticing my ego slowly solidifying again. I looked up and was cuffed by several police officers and taken to the hospital in the back of a van. I was spoken to by the driver about what I'd been doing to which I answered in bipolar sentences that made no sense and claimed to be on more drugs than I was on.  Like a miracle almost, the officers didn't charge me with causing any mishap, but treated me like utter shit instead at the hospital, throwing me around this painfully dull looking room where I sat and slowly began to root  myself back in reality. They were also doing this weird thing from before, when it felt like I was having conversations with myself through them about people they would never know that, analysing my relationships verbally to me, I'd met and things about me only I had experiences of. I boil this down to me becoming so hyper consciousness from the LSD that I became aware that I am this infinite consciousness dreaming the self and reality up. I was an atheist up until this point, subsequent ego deaths have only continued to directly verify how nothing can be infinite and how I am everything and nothing all at once, as is everyone, which I am, big time paradox but consciousness is infinite so of course it would contain every strange loop and contradiction you can think of, there is not just the sensory 3 dimensional way of experiencing reality. It turned out I'd ripped a lot of the skin from my feet from running around on tarmac and pavements for however long I was naked for, I also had a phat black eye from the guy who assaulted me. I couldn't walk at all and realised that I was absolutely not able to go on holiday the day after. "Fucked it" I thought to myself. My parents ended up getting a knock on their door by the police who informed them of the goings on, they had to come pick me up from the infirmary in the morning. They were livid but mostly happy that I was alive and were especially sympathetic that I had been through such hell. Obviously, I didn't end up going on holiday and instead was on crutches and basically bed bound for 2 weeks due to my messed up feet. Miraculously, these two women who were wired out their heads on mdma got hit by my phone when I lobbed it in the rave, they ended up leaving me a video on my snapchat for me to later discover after my mate who's flat we were initially at, kindly went through to retrieve it for me and gave it back a few days later after he came up and visited. 

To this day, this remains my most intense psychedelic experience and became the foundation for what would become a beautiful understanding of consciousness via thorough research, it also helped me and my friends understand what we are really dealing with when we take psychs and we now use them in a far more productive manner, many of us having radically evolved our consciousness and dampened our ego's in order to become more loving and understanding beings. If this experience told me anything, it's that reality = a dream, most of us are so deeply entrenched in it that we take it for reality, these people are locked in the materialistic mindview. But for those of us with the desire for an open mind, the curiosity propels us to dissect and understand the mechanics of reality through psychedelics, meditation etc. You can either live in the dream and be aware of it, utilising this to your advantage in a variety of ways, or be completely lost in rampant ego bullshit. Either way, in the end, none of it matters, we all return to nothing. Peace out.

[Leo Gura]

Groovy 

[Carl-Richard]

[abrakamowse]

Crazy experience! Thanks for sharing it!!! ? ? 

[Arcangelo]

Thank you very much for sharing! Amazing!

[tsuki]

Hahahahahaha! Awesome!

[Jayson G]

@Cubbage Hands down one of the top 5 funniest trip reports I ever read hahaha I hope I never end up doing sh*t like this

I'm actually new to all this though, and this one part concerned me: 

6 hours ago, Cubbage said:

I had some disturbing thoughts that made me start running towards a bus to return back to a stage of formlessness, but thankfully I decided against it. It felt like my ego was so far gone, that death wouldn't be any different from what I was experiencing now.

I have never experienced ego death on a psychedelic before. 

Any advice from preventing oneself from thinking such things or doing something stupid like that? 

I understand where you were coming from, and I could reasonably see how you came to that conclusion, but how does one prevent oneself from acting on a thought like that, or anything like that? 

I'm more of the person who would micro to low dose for a few years anyways, so maybe high dosing is the problem?

Or is it just being irresponsible by nature? (I don't consider myself that irresponsible) 

Btw I'm not dissing you at all haha 

[DevOcean]

Great storytelling man.  Thanks for sharing!  

[Carl-Richard]

6 hours ago, Jayson G said:

@Cubbage I have never experienced ego death on a psychedelic before. 

Any advice from preventing oneself from thinking such things or doing something stupid like that?  

Don't put yourself in challenging situations. He was obviously under a lot of stress that could've easily been avoided had he not gone to that rave.

[Jayson G]

@Carl-Richard Ahh gotchya, yeah I sort of figured that. 

I'd probably be doing it home alone anyways. 

Thanks for the advice 

[Cubbage]

Hey everyone, I recently narrated my experiences over on my YouTube channel. Overwhelmed with your responses, I'm glad this was entertaining and informative for you all.

 

[Ry4n]

@Cubbage WOW awesome video, had me laughing so hard at some points

[Cubbage]

5 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

It's because of things like this why psychedelics are illegal and will always be.

I don't understand why some people think that what they experienced was reality. I've also experienced crazy stuff on psychedelic, some of it was similar to yours, but after the trip I labeled them as hallucinations made by the brain.

I'm just wondering how you can know it was reality. Isn't it just a belief that the experience was reality?

It was never reality, it was always a dream ?

[Adamq8]

@Mikael89 Then you have not had enough of awakenings, your brain is a story and a hallucination.

Your mind creates perceptions and this you should be aware of when you are on a psychedelic.

You are stuck on a story that you can't know, you can know. Be still and find out what conciousness is.

Dont you see that it is your mind who thinks it is the brain? The mind can't know anything without awareness,  and awareness is empty and is not a brain, it is nothing.

So awareness=existence there is your proof for it.

Without you would know nothing.

Im even using my mind to write this, but I know that the mind is empty,  it is conciousness limited in a human mind.

But this is just storys and a problem thanks to language. 

[Adamq8]

@Mikael89

You are stuck in storys, recognize how your mind is distorting your True Nature, I dont even exist as a person so no im not a knower, there is only knowing period.

And direct experience is King.

You have not experience a round or a flat earth, so it is a moot point.

If we are looking at what neuro scientist says, is that your brain hallucinates your reality, how then can we be sure that the brain is really there? Is it not awareness that concieves of a perception and story about a brain?

The only thing that you can't ever deny is thst you exist.

[Adamq8]

@Mikael89 But it is good that you are open to possibilitys but this is totally your ego who thinks that it is a knower,  the knower and the known is precisly the same,  and this you can know.

You dont exist.

Experience exists.

And how can something that is not aware become aware?

Conciousness/awareness has always existed, it is existence itself, without it you would not know anything.

Contemplate this.

How can something prior to awareness exist? When everything you have ever experienced is awareness?

How?

This is materialistic view of the universe. 

And now a days it is called pan psychism, the universe is concious,  NO Conciousness is the universe. 

How can something exist without something being aware of it? Remember that what you have learned about reality since you were a Child does not correlate with your experience.

Awareness is all that there is.

Awareness is awareness always   Conciousness is knowing itself by being itself always, thats what it does. 

Its really simple.

To reduce awareness down to brain activity is a dangerous move.

What comes first? Awareness or brain? From your own experience not what someone else has told you.

[Adamq8]

@Mikael89 experience changes,  your mad your sad you feel happy, Someone is rude to you or whatever, but one thing remains constant through it all without a change, what is that?

 

[Adamq8]

@Mikael89 I know man, and I don't mean to sound rude or anything brother!

Hope you didn't feel like I was rude or something =)

One love.

[Exystem]

@Cubbage Wow, what an intense experience! It really reminds me of a very similar experience of mine, there were a lot of parallels! I also had the merging of faces of policemen to friends and family, where in retrospect I realized I was interacting with all the aspects of my unconscious psyche. I really underestimated the effects of high dosages of LSD.
Here's my report, it has a lot of parallels with yours, worth reading

 

[kag101]

Pathetic.