Why am I not interested in socializing?

[The Don]

Hello.

I don't find socializing interesting at all. I'm just not tempted to go outside and socialize with people. I'm having an aversion when it comes to socialization.

Two years ago I was socially anxious and awkward around people and I still am sometimes. It rarely happens, just not as bad as before.

Having a job for over a year and a half, the surrounding environment forced me to interact with people and my social skills grew exponentially.

I could see myself getting better with people. And most of the time I have great conversations with people, but I still don't find them interesting. What's strange is that I'm the one who leads a conversation.

On the other hand, when my phone rings, I hope that it doesn't. Going out with friends seems boring to me.

I'm not interested in girls either, although I'm straight and find them sexually attractive. Some of them are turning me on in an instant, but besides the turn-on phase, I'm just not interested in having relationships with them. I don't pursue them. I don't talk to them.

When I think about marriage, I'm imagining a moment when I have to live with that person on a daily basis for the rest of my life. This idea alone makes me...  I don't know how to say it. I just can't stand the idea of living with a person.

I truly enjoy my time being alone. And I don't feel lonely.

The downside of this is that I won't have a family in the future. It doesn't bother me, personally, but no family, no kids. No kids, no social stability in society. I'm conscious that the family unit is essential for societies to evolve.

At a family gathering, I was told that I'm selfish for not wanting to get married and have kids. I told them why but they didn't care. All they understood is that I'm selfish.

If I were to have a family, I would have it for the common good, to have kids that contribute to society in good ways. Other than that, I'm just not interested.

Anyone in this situation?

Edited July 29, 2020 by The Don
To correct a sentence.

[Gesundheit]

How long have you been like that?

[The Don]

Just now, Gesundheit said:

How long have you been like that?

Since I was 15 years old.

[Michael569]

I am very similar in that. Idle socialising drains my energy faster than any physical activity. Maybe it's all about finding the people worth spending time with? The ones that will challenge you to grow and that will share common values and interests? 

There is no harm in cutting out "friendships" that are based on talking shit and drinking.

 

[The Don]

7 minutes ago, Michael569 said:

The ones that will challenge you to grow and that will share common values and interests?

I agree. I live in a small town and I can't find people with common interests. It's tough.

[Leo Gura]

Yeah, it's called INTROVERSION.

Nevertheless, if you wanna get laid, start going out.

[Haloman]

Exactly my situation. Know that you aren't alone like that.

[Member]

I've always been like that. You might just be introverted, or maybe have avoidant personality disorder (or both). It depends on what triggered your apathy towards social situations. If you feel that people are too mediocre and have nothing interesting to learn from them, then maybe you're introverted or a little bit too picky. That's fine as long as you're ok with it. Don't worry.

[Preety_India]

 

Idle socializing is bad. I'm a bit like you. 

It's ok you're a lone wolf. I'm a lone wolf too. I accept and embrace my introversion. Sometimes it shields me from the bullshit of the world. 

You be you. That's what matters in the end. 

 

 

[The Don]

On 7/30/2020 at 0:07 AM, Preety_India said:

Sometimes it shields me from the bullshit of the world.

I think about that as well.

Today I talked with a girl.

The conversation went OK but I couldn't enjoy it. It didn't impress me whatsoever. I like deep topics like talking about the most interesting things I've found in psychology books or about the progress I'm making on this journey. But finding a girl to talk about this stuff is almost (if not) impossible.

When I read articles about dating and what to talk about, they recommend fun conversations. It's all nonsense, of course.

They say you can't discuss serious topics with girls on a date, so how am I supposed to enjoy any conversation then?

Maybe I'm hollow inside. I don't know.

[Espaim]

Do you want to change that aspect of your personality?

[soos_mite_ah]

10 hours ago, The Don said:

The conversation went OK but I couldn't enjoy it. It didn't impress me whatsoever. I like deep topics like talking about the most interesting things I've found in psychology books or about the progress I'm making on this journey. But finding a girl to talk about this stuff is almost (if not) impossible.

When I read articles about dating and what to talk about, they recommend fun conversations. It's all nonsense, of course.

They say you can't discuss serious topics with girls on a date, so how am I supposed to enjoy any conversation then?

Maybe I'm hollow inside. I don't know.

You're not hollow inside and you're most certainly not alone. Also there are PLENTY of women like that as well who do enjoy talking about more serious stuff and see that as fun. I have read a few other comments here and I think from what I understand, it has more to do with people not resonating with you because of a lack of shared interests. It's also hard to find people you really resonate with in a small town since you have less people to choose from. This can especially be a problem if you have more niche interests apart from mundane every day things like whats happening on TV and sports. I've been there. I'm currently there too lol. 

And I also hate small talk and much prefer something deeper, but the way I try to frame it is that small talk and more lighthearted "fun" conversations can be a gateway to more deeper topics once a person gets more comfortable around you. To have deeper conversations, there needs to be a sense of vulnerability which has to be established through trust and comfort level. Seeing small talk as more of a gateway rather than something that weighs me down helped me become more social to where I could have an increased number of quality conversations. 

On 7/29/2020 at 7:07 AM, Member said:

It depends on what triggered your apathy towards social situations. If you feel that people are too mediocre and have nothing interesting to learn from them, then maybe you're introverted or a little bit too picky. That's fine as long as you're ok with it. Don't worry.

I think it would be valuable to contemplate what triggered this sense of apathy and really examine what other feelings you have associated with it. That would give more direction on how to deal with it.

Finally, you aren't selfish for not wanting to get married or have a family. I think it's actually more selfless to be honest with yourself on where you stand than force yourself into a situation you don't like just because you feel obligated and then hurt the other people involved because you don't want to be in the situation in the first place. 

[Arcangelo]

Why am I not interested in socializing?

Because chances are you will be socializing with normies. That's why you rather being alone in front of your computer logged in to actualized.org like the rest of us.

 

 

Arc

[ndsp]

On 7/29/2020 at 5:07 PM, Preety_India said:

 

Idle socializing is bad. I'm a bit like you. 

It's ok you're a lone wolf. I'm a lone wolf too. I accept and embrace my introversion. Sometimes it shields me from the bullshit of the world. 

You be you. That's what matters in the end. 

 

 

I wish there was a more targeted way to socialize. If we are talking about finding dates or intimacy, I loath going out and just "being somewhere" for the sake of being "out there". 1 in 10 people may be interesting to me, and the ratio tightens when I look at only female conversation. Having extended conversation enough to know if I want to get to know someone more, to do with 10 people could easily take a year. Unless of course I go sit somewhere often and poll people as they walk by like a checkout line.

Edited August 24, 2020 by ndsp

[ertopolice]

@Arcangelo True

Nonetheless I feel that because of us being no normies we should be capable of socializing with them..but sometimes it's no point in that. No fulfillment. Happens in dating or in matching with someone.

I wish I were more "simple" in terms of no questioning or feeling attracted to all this stuff and be a random woman...but still i feel I on the right path  

[kag101]

On 29/07/2020 at 8:20 AM, The Don said:

I was told that I'm selfish for not wanting to get married and have kids.

Well, I'd argue that wanting to have kids is kinda selfish, because the world is overpopulated and there are a lot of kids who could be adopted.

 

Anyway, here's what came to mind as I was reading your post:

Maybe you're trying too hard to socialize. Like, putting too much energy into having an "interesting" conversation, for example. That can be really tiresome. This can quickly drain one's social battery (especially if introverted).

Another thing that could be happening is, maybe, depression. When I'm depressive, I automatically get socially anxious. I had always tried to get rid of SA, but I didn't know that my "true enemy" was actually depression.

Here's the cycle, in my case:

I don't have energy nor will to socialize > Have to force myself way too much > Get drained afterwards and frustrated about my performance > Get aversed to being around people.