Is ego death scarier for people with trauma?

[StarStruck]

Couple of days ago I did my first mini dose of 5-MeO-DMT. I got the experience I was already expecting. I felt like literally dying but I handled it well. The ego was fighting back but I guess that is normal or not? What can I do to prepare? I read in some threads that there is nothing you can do to prepare for this but if you have a history of tensing up, there are some things you can do like meditation, trauma release and shadow work. I did those things but when I came eye to eye with ego death all my preparation went out the window and my survival instinct kicked in. I was ready but my ego wasn't. I don't even know what it was defending? It just "was". Me having an ego death right now is with minimal dangers. I don't have wife and kids. I'm in between jobs. My only obligation is school. And there is a quarantine. Might go balls to the wall but I'm trying to understand why my first experience was so different than other people's first time.

[Leo Gura]

Quiet!

Just do a larger dose.

Stop thinking about death. It doesn't exist.

[Enlightenment]

@StarStruck There is some evidence that people who have frequent nightmares are more prone to bad trips. I don't know about trauma but clinical depression makes 5-MeO very anxiety-inducing.

Edited April 27, 2020 by Enlightenment

[James123]

@StarStruck i did 10 gr dried shrooms. And i was traumatized for 6 months. But, in the experience you realize that you are nothing, not in the body, everything is you but nothing there and just exist as a thought. Trust your experience, contemplate and meditate. It is hard for ego to except the truth. But you have to overcome from your fear. You have to know that you can never die or born and have to accept that you are nothing, which can never die or born. Don’t forget these all words and sounds, we are just barking. When you accept the truth, monkey mind starts to slow down, You can focus more easily the moment and feel love or laugh all the time lol. That what happened to me.

Edited April 27, 2020 by James123

[belen]

@Dutch guy  how? can you send me some information about it 

Edited April 27, 2020 by belen

[James123]

@Dutch guy i want to see the truth. Because i had nothing left to lose, my life was terrible and had suicidal thoughts. After realizing the truth, it was so funny that i was exist only as a thought, real me can never die or born (I laughed about 10 hours to ideas about killing myself lol).  And of course i feel my ego now but i know that i am nothing. Less fear, less thoughts, more love and fun but not from my egoistic perspective . Ego is something so small, scared Of everything and never happy. And i want to kill it

Edited April 27, 2020 by James123

[Javfly33]

I wouldn´t say that. Is basically scary depending of how much you fear of reality being not what you expected.

 

[28 cm unbuffed]

My ego and trauma were somehow connected. I understood love as suffering. My mother was a highly narcissistic and abusive person and the way she raised me made me understand and confuse these two subconsciously. This also influenced my love life, as you can imagine. I was drawn to narcissistic people and my world view was basically upside down. 

When the suffering became unreal and unbearable and my thoughts became so obsessive that I couldn't stand them anymore something broke down inside of me. Voice became quiet. I understood how I deluded myself my whole life about how unworthy, fucked up, and the bad person I am. Awakening process, shadow integration, dark night of the soul, and spiritual awakening came after that. Basically a burst of energy inside my body. I am a different person now. 

About your question - is it scary?  Maybe it was easier for me, as I was fucking exhausted and drained from all of the suffering and I naturally wanted to end it and survive. It was a huge relief for sure. 

Experience is always less scary then your mind tells you it is, simple truth about life. It was exhausting, fucked up, interesting, that's for sure. Fuck scary.

Edited April 27, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[StarStruck]

56 minutes ago, Dutch guy said:

@belen  Not exactly. The transformation of sex into energy. I dont no if this is ego death exactly. But my thoughts seemed gone and it was massively nice! I dream sometimes of wanting to disappear and dissolve into everything.

And the mushroom story is just what happened recently, the history up to me going to do 5 meo next month. The shrooms seem to do nearly nothing on a hero dose, which I find strange.

That doesn’t sound like ego death to me.   
 

@Javfly33 @28 cm unbuffed  Thanks for sharing that. I think we have some commonalities in that regard. 

Edited April 27, 2020 by StarStruck

[28 cm unbuffed]

@StarStruck

Feel free to ask me, if you'll need any more information on that topic.

My overall experience was that I started observing the world outside-in instead of inside-out and it stayed like that (with small backlashes when I get involved in mind chatter). 

[mandyjw]

This is really, really good. 

 

[VeganAwake]

The ego/separate sense of self is a misidentification with thoughts beliefs perceptions ideas and energy as the ME character.

When this misidentification is seen through or recognized, there can be shock there can be disbelief there can be humor, it just depends every experience is different... The Experience here was a subtle shift and a surprised feeling.

So the short answer is yes it could or no it may not.

These conditioned patters/Ego backlash often called Dark Night of the Soul or what's often referred to as 'me'ing and being can play out for days weeks months or years.... there's no telling how long until it happens.

The main takeaway is the ego or separate sense of self is not an actual entity. Its Maya illusion of the self.

[Nahm]

@StarStruck

What you’re experiencing (imo) is the confronting of all that you’ve been attributing to “my ego” (your beliefs)... or Being, just without the beliefs (Truth).  There isn’t an ego, there is the belief “my ego”. There isn’t ‘the one a trauma happened to’. As offensive as that might be to hear, is equal to the intensity of shedding it, via the use of the substance. Whch way is easier is up to one. Anything that could be said to be “the ego”, is you, and you’re the one saying it. The belief in itself “distances” you (in experience), as it itself is a belief that there are two of you...you, and the ego. In truth there is not two of you. This twoness in belief, only confuses the trauma experience more. You’re experiencing ‘that’ truth. Now, you can notice all of the thoughts which support the foundational belief in ‘your two-ness’. You already knew the falsity of those beliefs by the discord in feeling. You’re essentially taking a big dose of that same feeling, in one moment. From the beliefs of twoness, when the discord was felt, the feeling was rejected, to support and perpetuate the beliefs. So in a way, you’re experiencing the reversal of feeling & beliefs. 

[StarStruck]

@Nahm I got that insight in a recent trip. The only reason I believe something is because I believe something. 5 MeO can help me with letting go of trauma but I read it can make it worse too. That is why I’m careful.  By the way I have a technical question: If I believe I’m not my avatar anymore, the duality collapse, I merge into non-duality and come back into this realm of dualism, right? Only with your “physical” death you merge permanently with non duality / infinity if I understand it correctly. I mean to type this message on this forum one has to use duality. 

Edited April 28, 2020 by StarStruck

[Nahm]

17 hours ago, StarStruck said:

If I believe I’m not my avatar anymore, the duality collapse, I merge into non-duality and come back into this realm of dualism, right?

You are already not the avatar, you are appearing as the avatar and realm of duality, so there is already not duality, so the belief to let go is that you are only the avatar, and are separate from anything. If there was anything which could ‘merge into’ nonduality, that would imply there is not nonduality.  This is like a flashlight asking from the perspective of the lens  “If I remove the lens from the flashlight and there is only flashlight, when the lens is put back on, would the lens return to the light on the wall?” 

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Only with your “physical” death you merge permanently with non duality / infinity if I understand it correctly.

The ‘flashlight’ is eternal and appearing as the lens and light on the wall. The belief to inspect is death, and I’d break it down in terms of direct experience of thought, perception and feeling, and scrutinize how & what you directly experience death to be. 

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I mean to type this message on this forum one has to use duality. 

No, actually. There is only nonduality. 

Also, it make sense why someone who experienced trauma would have a likelihood of more fear in ego death, and why there would be an increased likelihood of reaching the void and wrestling with nihilism. My advice would be to contemplate a slight rephrasing of your question, writing down anything that arises...”Why would ego death be scarier for someone who experienced trauma?”  If it’s helpful, start from the premise - “wouldn’t it actually be easier?”