female orgasm problem

[lostmedstudent]

i have some orgasm dysfunction during sex with my boyfriend. 

the issue i have would be having trouble to reach orgasm , and/or not being able to stay engaged in sex. usually after about 20 ish min, ill get uncomfortable or frustrated, and the more frustrated i get the harder for me to come. i can rarely have sex for a long time because i quickly get desinterested...

and i also get "used" to the sex. i have been with the same partner for over 2 years and we found many exciting ways that would make me orgasm instantly, but overtime, i get "used" to it. so the things that once made me come so quick and multiple days in a row can no longer stimulate me. i mean we can be creative, but not infinitely... sometimes, i just wish i could orgasm on simple missionary

why does it get harder and harder and harder for me to be turned on and orgasm...? for those of you who are in a long term relationship with the same partner, what have you used to help your sex life?

i have spoken to my boyfriend about this multiple times.  but we havent been able to find a good solution. i feel like i just dont know what it takes for me to come when im with a partner. its sometimes easier when im on my own but i dont know how to bring that into the relationship. 

i was sexually repressed when i was an adolescent and didnt really express sexuality in the healthiest ways. i relied a lot on erotica to orgasm during my adolescence. and i still "have" to go back to them once in a while to orgasm. 

if anyone has anything to share or advice for me. im all ears

 

thanks ! 

[Dlavjr]

How often are you having sex? If you're getting numb to it then having it frequently is only going to add fuel to the fire. If you hold out from sex for a bit, it might bring back some excitement or at least make it feel less mundane. 

[DrewNows]

Have you seen the Netflix series “the goop lab with Gwyneth Paltrow”? It’s good but specifically the third episode “The Pleasure is Ours”, dealing with woman’s pleasure, I think it may shed some light on this issue

 “a woman had to learn how to run the fuck” 

Edited February 17, 2020 by DrewNows

[Emerald]

12 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

i have some orgasm dysfunction during sex with my boyfriend. 

the issue i have would be having trouble to reach orgasm , and/or not being able to stay engaged in sex. usually after about 20 ish min, ill get uncomfortable or frustrated, and the more frustrated i get the harder for me to come. i can rarely have sex for a long time because i quickly get desinterested...

and i also get "used" to the sex. i have been with the same partner for over 2 years and we found many exciting ways that would make me orgasm instantly, but overtime, i get "used" to it. so the things that once made me come so quick and multiple days in a row can no longer stimulate me. i mean we can be creative, but not infinitely... sometimes, i just wish i could orgasm on simple missionary

why does it get harder and harder and harder for me to be turned on and orgasm...? for those of you who are in a long term relationship with the same partner, what have you used to help your sex life?

i have spoken to my boyfriend about this multiple times.  but we havent been able to find a good solution. i feel like i just dont know what it takes for me to come when im with a partner. its sometimes easier when im on my own but i dont know how to bring that into the relationship. 

i was sexually repressed when i was an adolescent and didnt really express sexuality in the healthiest ways. i relied a lot on erotica to orgasm during my adolescence. and i still "have" to go back to them once in a while to orgasm. 

if anyone has anything to share or advice for me. im all ears

 

thanks ! 

What I'm realizing in recent years is that my enjoyment in sex, as a woman, comes far more from emotional immersion than physical stimulation.

So, it doesn't really matter what kind of technique a man uses on me. If I am not bathed in a soup of erotic emotions and feeling very open and relaxed, there is just no way for the energy to flow. The energy is restricted because I'm too tense and my sexual center is not activated.

The way I'll put it is this. Focus on your energy.

Your emotions and body have to reflect a state of relaxation for an orgasm to reverberate through the body.

It's sort of like plucking a guitar string. If you touch a guitar string, the sound is extremely muffled and stunted because the string isn't able to vibrate. But if the string is unobstructed, the string can vibrate quite a lot which allows the sound to reverberate through the room.

Another example, when you try to do the motorboat sound with your mouth, it only works if your lips are relaxed. Otherwise, you just get a stunted hum. Same idea.

So, you'll have to communicate with your partner that you need things that will put you in a more erotic and relaxed mood first. And teach him what works for you. You can also take matters into your own hands. But ideally, your partner will be the one that gets you to that state. It will probably take about 30 minutes of anticipation to warm up and relax. 

So, find out what makes your energy flow, and what keeps you riding the wave of that energy.

Also, I recommend differentiating between "sex for him" versus "sex for you".

Men are really quick with their sexual energy and don't really need time to warm up. So, in 'sex for him', you can just let him ravish you to his liking. That way, you don't feel pressure to cum and he doesn't feel pressure to make you cum. And this takes a lot less time and effort to please a man. And this is usually such little effort (usually 15 to 30 minutes) that you can do this a few times a week (45 minute to 1.5 hour commitment). And the man will be pleased with this because sexual quantity is most important to a man.

But in a sex session that's 'sex for you', that's when sexual quality is most important. And that's when romance and teasing and foreplay and all of that can come into play. And this can be special times when you feel really in the mood... once every week or every two weeks or every month. Basically, to the tune of your libido. That way, you don't feel rushed.

And communicate about this arrangement before. That way, he can focus totally on pleasing you as the goal during the 'sex for you'. And you can focus totally on receiving pleasure as opposed to feeling that you need to both give and receive... which is a libido killing juggling act, as far as I'm concerned. It gets me too focused on performance that I can't really enjoy myself or let the energy flow.

 

[Shroomdoctor]

Do you still find your man sexually attractive? Like do you find his energy, his masculinity and so on arousing? I noticed a lot when sleeping with girls: If she found me stimulating, it wouldnt matter THAT much what I do. But when she doesnt "feel" me, I could do the craziest shit and it wouldnt help.

 

Maybe see if the problems lies somewhere along those lines, and what the issues there are. Has he gotten complacent in the relationship? Did he stop leading you both in bed and outside? 

Just my two cents doesnt have to be right.

[Spiral]

It’s sounds like you’re just having boring “samey” sex all the time.

[lostmedstudent]

@Dlavjr maybe only once a week since we dont live together.

but as a woman, i can go a month without having sex and not feel it if i keep my mind busy with other things. I feel like with holding it might not help in my case

[lostmedstudent]

@Shroomdoctor ummm i never really gave thoughts to that one. I do but i think less than before. Is this normal to feel less attracted to your partner over time ....? Especially when you ´ve been with someone for a long time. Its hard to tell how strong that attraction is 

.

[lostmedstudent]

@Spiral how can you constantly have different sex ?! ITs time consuming to come up with new stuff and i feel like i m too lazy 

[lostmedstudent]

7 hours ago, Emerald said:

So, it doesn't really matter what kind of technique a man uses on me. If I am not bathed in a soup of erotic emotions and feeling very open and relaxed, there is just no way for the energy to flow. The energy is restricted because I'm too tense and my sexual center is not activated.

 Wow yes, those are the words! Thats how i feel! 

I think my issue would be, then, that i don’t quite know myself what helps me to get to that stage of energy.. The best way i get relaxed is when i dont do much. I just lie there and let him play but then i feel bad because i feel like i need to also do something but what turns me on the most is when i do nothing and pretend im sleeping

I really like your advice, i will give it try. We kind of started doing the « sex for him » and « sex for me » thing. But im wondering if differentiating it before we even start, would it just set the wrong tone?

 

Thank you ? 

[Emerald]

14 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

 Wow yes, those are the words! Thats how i feel! 

I think my issue would be, then, that i don’t quite know myself what helps me to get to that stage of energy.. The best way i get relaxed is when i dont do much. I just lie there and let him play but then i feel bad because i feel like i need to also do something but what turns me on the most is when i do nothing and pretend im sleeping

I really like your advice, i will give it try. We kind of started doing the « sex for him » and « sex for me » thing. But im wondering if differentiating it before we even start, would it just set the wrong tone?

 

Thank you ? 

I would say that a conversation about it is the best idea. Perhaps, not right before the act, but at some neutral time when you're both just communicating about your sex life.

But the orientation (for him vs for you), you can also find ways to communicate that are organic and sexual. You can basically weave it into the experience as subtle dirty talk to communicate about it. For example, if it's for him you can make all the dirty talk very focused toward his orgasm. And you can focus on quickness by saying you want him to ravish you, do what feels good for him, have a quickie, and other much dirtier phrases to stir him into a primal state where he doesn't have much control over himself and just wants to cum.

Or if it's for you, you can focus on slowness and sensuality. Like you can tell him that you want to make love all night or that you want him to make love to you very slowly. Or you can tell him something very full-body-focused, like you want his hands all over you or that you want him to kiss you all over. You can also communicate that you want to have one night like that every time you're really in a sexual/sensual mood. That way, he knows to watch for the signs every week, two weeks, month, etc.

Also, on another note, I would do all of this on a very random schedule. That creates variety and excitement. Once you begin scheduling it, it becomes a chore.

 

[lostmedstudent]

@Emerald thats really great insight

muchas gracias! <3

[Emerald]

27 minutes ago, lostmedstudent said:

@Emerald thats really great insight

muchas gracias! <3

De Nada!  

[MsNobody]

Why the focus on the orgasm? Good sex comes from the depth of the connection with the other person, when we focus on orgasm is mostly to feed the body, that’s why you get frustrated, your partner is probably looking for the moment you will orgasm and this is taking you both out of the present moment, I suggest reading about tantric sex. 
 

and here are some Good quotes from Osho on sex and relationships  

"That's why orgasm is becoming more and more difficult. Ejaculation is not orgasm, to give birth to children is not orgasmic. Orgasm is the involvement of the total body: mind, body, soul, all together. You vibrate, your whole being vibrates, from the toes to the head. You are no longer in control; existence has taken possession of you and you don't know who you are. It is like a madness, it is like a sleep, it is like meditation, it is like death. 
So really it happens that the more sexual a person is, the more inventive he can be. The more sexual a person is, the more intelligent. With less sex energy, less intelligence exists; with more sexual energy, more intelligence, because sex is a deep search to uncover, not only bodies, not only the opposite sex body, but everything that is hidden."

“A religion without the priest, without the temple, without the organization; a religion which does not destroy the individual but respects individuality tremendously, a religion which trusts in the ordinary man and woman. And this trust goes very deep. Tantra trusts in your body; no other religion trusts in your body. And when religions don't trust in your body, they create a split between the mind and the body. They make you enemies of your bodies, they start destroying the wisdom of the body.”

Talking about how it’s important to keep the mystery alive:

“Forget relationships and learn how to relate.  Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted – that’s what destroys all love affairs.  The woman thinks she knows the man, the man thinks he knows the woman.  Nobody knows either!  It is impossible to know the other, the other remains a mystery.  And to take the other for granted is insulting, disrespectful.  To think that you know your wife is very, very ungrateful.  How can you know the woman? How can you know the man? They are processes, they are not things.  The woman that you knew yesterday is not there today.  So much water has gone down the Ganges; she is somebody else, totally different.  Relate again, start again, don’t take it for granted.  And the man that you slept with last night, look at his face again in the morning.  He is no more the same person, so much has changed.  So much, incalculably much has changed.  That is the difference between a thing and a person.  The furniture in the room is the same, but the man and the woman, they are no more the same.  Explore again, start again.  That’s what I mean by relating.” ~ Osho

Edited February 20, 2020 by MsNobody

[Leo Gura]

On 2/16/2020 at 6:19 PM, lostmedstudent said:

i was sexually repressed when i was an adolescent and didnt really express sexuality in the healthiest ways.

That's your problem right there. You are probably still sexually repressed. Work on that. Something isn't straight there.

Also, take responsibilty for creating your orgasms. Don't act like they are something that happens to you from outside or something the man must do to you. Use your mind to create them. Be more passionate. Don't lay around waiting for someone else to make you passionate. This is a lazy approach to sex.

[moon777light]

mayybee you put a subconscious pressure on yourself that you must orgasm? Like when you try to orgasm one way and its not working as quickly as it did before you start to internally freak out a bit and put pressure that you need to orgasm like you did last time, because that will just build frustration and ruin it even more and make it virtually impossible to orgasm, if that makes any sense haha. I think it would be good during next few sex sessions to forget about the need/pressure to orgasm and just have fun for the sake of pleasure. I really hope it helps. Also the sexual repression as adolescent is huuugee issue (i was too). I think psychedelics will help here a lot. 

[Nahm]

@lostmedstudent If you inspect that frustration, you’ll find an underlying belief about yourself, one that does not feel good because it is not true about you. One that did not feel good the first time you believed it, and still does not. Having worked through that belief and seeing the falsity of it, there will be less monkey mind and inherently then, natural focus. You’ll find the reason you can orgasm alone easier than with someone else, is due to monkey mind / overthinking of what people think of you, which is to say, your own self judgment is stuck on ‘repeat’. Need to be more, ‘shuffle’. This will change that ‘got bored of each new thing’ issue. You can change the things, and it can work for a time. But when you change, well, that’s orgasmic. For any arguments which ensue, simply stay at the realization, that you both want the same thing. 

[MrDmitriiV]

@lostmedstudent Any couple should do at least 30min of foreplay before intercourse. Then at least 20-30min of penetration in the position and speed the woman prefers most.

It’s such a common trap for women to think that the problem is with them, when instead it has to do with a very sexually unskilled male. 

[Preety_India]

21 minutes ago, MrDmitriiV said:

@lostmedstudent Any couple should do at least 30min of foreplay before intercourse. Then at least 20-30min of penetration in the position and speed the woman prefers most.

It’s such a common trap for women to think that the problem is with them, when instead it has to do with a very sexually unskilled male. 

 

 

 

Best advice so far on the entire forum. 

 

 

So glad someone finally said the truth

 

 

[lostmedstudent]

@MsNobody hey thank you !

i focus on orgasm because sex itself is not tantric. Orgasm and moments before the orgasm is what feels the best for me 

so i am not sure how to make the sexual energy stronger.

did osho mention some practical ways for experiencing tantric sex ?