Psychonaut

The end is nearing

17 posts in this topic

I can feel it. It is coming closer. I have seen it in my own eyes. Nothing is starring back. Empty eyes. The frequency is increasing. Once every blue moon, became once every two weeks and has become every week.

I try to express my pain, I try to let it out. People don't take it serious. I tell them I have seen red. I have starred at my arms and have already felt the blood gushing out. The great relief of being let go in peace. 

I sabotage myself. I stab myself psychologically. I create false realities in which I am unloved just to torture myself. I get pleasure from inflicting pain, even though it is hard to see. It is not by accident. It is on purpose. This whole text is just a fiction of my own making. Just to get attention. I know it is not real. 

I have been at the point were I could have let go of my body. I never have because I am being kept here. I just want to leave this place. It bores me deeply down inside of me. Why can't I leave and be free? Please let me go.

On the one hand my life is too good to be true. I am happy most of the time. As soon as something opposes my reality it crashes. The whole thing falls apart. It is so fragile it can fall like a house of cards. On the other hand I am extremely calm.

I stare down a hole with no end. A never ending fall. I am in terror I might land on the bottom of a pit. However I will fall forever. I will let go. I as in my highest energy will always love myself. I will not give up on myself even though I fight myself. 

What if the next time I go through this I stop at the 2nd paragraph?


TOBE's:

  1. Be happy
  2. Be a unicorn

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Are you looking for advice? A shoulder to cry on? Someone to relate? A sense of relief? Someone to nudge you off the edge?

What if the next time you stop at the 2nd paragraph?
Perhaps you're not afraid you'll land at the bottom, you're afraid you'll be lost forever. And what you may be avoiding is the fact that you're not staring down the pit, you're already within it.

 

 

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Have you thought about using the mental health sub forum? Might get more support? 

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It's hard to really give any advice or respond to your post unless you were more specific. It seems you are talking about thoughts of self harm / suicide here? I encourage you to reach out for help in a more accessible way. There are people that want to help you if you let them be that giving advice or relating with your story or receiving counselling.

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7 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

I can feel it. It is coming closer. I have seen it in my own eyes. Nothing is starring back. Empty eyes. The frequency is increasing. Once every blue moon, became once every two weeks and has become every week.

I try to express my pain, I try to let it out. People don't take it serious. I tell them I have seen red. I have starred at my arms and have already felt the blood gushing out. The great relief of being let go in peace. 

I sabotage myself. I stab myself psychologically. I create false realities in which I am unloved just to torture myself. I get pleasure from inflicting pain, even though it is hard to see. It is not by accident. It is on purpose. This whole text is just a fiction of my own making. Just to get attention. I know it is not real. 

I have been at the point were I could have let go of my body. I never have because I am being kept here. I just want to leave this place. It bores me deeply down inside of me. Why can't I leave and be free? Please let me go.

On the one hand my life is too good to be true. I am happy most of the time. As soon as something opposes my reality it crashes. The whole thing falls apart. It is so fragile it can fall like a house of cards. On the other hand I am extremely calm.

I stare down a hole with no end. A never ending fall. I am in terror I might land on the bottom of a pit. However I will fall forever. I will let go. I as in my highest energy will always love myself. I will not give up on myself even though I fight myself. 

What if the next time I go through this I stop at the 2nd paragraph?

You know it, but you do things wrong in practice :) Why are you doing that?

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11 hours ago, Omni said:

And what you may be avoiding is the fact that you're not staring down the pit, you're already within it.

I am.

11 hours ago, Omni said:

Perhaps you're not afraid you'll land at the bottom, you're afraid you'll be lost forever.

I will be lost. But I not that important, am I? Hard to accept though.

4 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

You know it, but you do things wrong in practice :) Why are you doing that?

I think I want to feel it. I know it is not real, because I can feel a sudden too large shift in my perception. Knowing it is not real and knowing that it will pass keeps me from killing myself. However I cannot get out or maybe I don't want to get out actually. The pain feels so real and so overwhelming that even though I know it is not real I cannot make it stop. All I can do is wait it out, do nothing too drastic and hope it goes away. 

It reminds me off the time I used to get panic attacks during the night. I would wake up in the middle of the night unable to breath. All I would feel is how I am suffocating. In that moment it doesn't matter what I think. It will be drowned out by the overwhelming sensation of death right in my face.

Maybe what I am experiencing is a mild form of the panic attacks I used to get. Anything that reminds me off my dissolution just triggers a whole overreaction that feels like it is out of my control.


TOBE's:

  1. Be happy
  2. Be a unicorn

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@Psychonaut try to accept that you just wrote this to get attention, that's okay. Reading that text I got the feeling that what you need is attention but you subcounsciously believe you are not allowed to express that you want attention. Im not a psychotherapist though, just what occured in my mind after I read that text.

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3 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

I think I want to feel it. I know it is not real, because I can feel a sudden too large shift in my perception. Knowing it is not real and knowing that it will pass keeps me from killing myself. However I cannot get out or maybe I don't want to get out actually. 

This is true, but why do you want to torture yourself like this? Is somebody else doing this to you? It is because of your life situation?

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On 21/06/2019 at 3:58 PM, bejapuskas said:

This is true, but why do you want to torture yourself like this? Is somebody else doing this to you? It is because of your life situation?

Not sure why I do this. I know however that some part of me (probably ego) doesn't want to be happy and enjoys to see the other part of me suffer. It is almost like older parts of me that are still floating around are unwilling to accept unconditional love and fight it. 

However what I have found rather interesting is that my crashes have actually only started since I have been engaging in relationships with girls. From my observation it almost makes the impression that I subconsciously want to see if she still "loves" (cares about) me when I am beaten down like this. Even though the beating was an internal beating. It seems like something is subconsciously testing my girls to see how strong the connection is and if she is actually able to pull me out of the dirt when I am beaten down. 

I met up with my girl on friday evening, which was the day after I crashed so hard. After we parted I noticed that the colours were more vibrant and I felt normal again. It was very nice actually as we hugged for a long time and she said that it felt like she was melting in my embrace. 

I probably really just wanted attention though. It took her quite a while to actually get me back into my body. She touched me a lot and kissed my neck an so forth. At the beginning I didn't even really feel it and ignored it for the most part. She first thought that I just had a bad day. 

These depressive crashes are really starting to worry me though. It is like my vision and senses become clouded and a part of myself retracts and is gone. Colours are bleak, food doesn't taste, there is no energy and motivation to do anything. It is like my brain chemistry is thrown out of balance and then requires a bit of time to stabilize again.


TOBE's:

  1. Be happy
  2. Be a unicorn

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"I sabotage myself. I stab myself psychologically."

Silver lining: through your suffering, you produced a really beautiful flow of expression. Not to be devils advocate but catharsis is stunning, you're tapping into something very profound. Stay strong please. Just know I'm listening. 


delete this

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2 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

Not sure why I do this. I know however that some part of me (probably ego) doesn't want to be happy and enjoys to see the other part of me suffer. It is almost like older parts of me that are still floating around are unwilling to accept unconditional love and fight it. 

However what I have found rather interesting is that my crashes have actually only started since I have been engaging in relationships with girls. From my observation it almost makes the impression that I subconsciously want to see if she still "loves" (cares about) me when I am beaten down like this. Even though the beating was an internal beating. It seems like something is subconsciously testing my girls to see how strong the connection is and if she is actually able to pull me out of the dirt when I am beaten down. 

I met up with my girl on friday evening, which was the day after I crashed so hard. After we parted I noticed that the colours were more vibrant and I felt normal again. It was very nice actually as we hugged for a long time and she said that it felt like she was melting in my embrace. 

I probably really just wanted attention though. It took her quite a while to actually get me back into my body. She touched me a lot and kissed my neck an so forth. At the beginning I didn't even really feel it and ignored it for the most part. She first thought that I just had a bad day. 

These depressive crashes are really starting to worry me though. It is like my vision and senses become clouded and a part of myself retracts and is gone. Colours are bleak, food doesn't taste, there is no energy and motivation to do anything. It is like my brain chemistry is thrown out of balance and then requires a bit of time to stabilize again.

I suggest you to stop blaming the ego, because that's what a distracted person does. There is only you there, there is no you and the ego. Do you feel like you have no control over your feelings and emotions? You actually have it, just stay focused on it, don't trail off every time you tell yourself that it is not the right time. It is always the right time to stop suffering, but God's deceptive mechanisms are really powerful. Do you meditate? :) 

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@bejapuskas Maybe I need to suffer? Maybe I actually need to feel what I am feeling? This is a "poem" I wrote a few months back.

no way out

There is no way out
I'm stuck in a cloud
I have to feel it
To let go of it

@laptophaver Glad you see it this way. I went back to when I started writing and found this poem from last year. It's a bit raw and unedited.

A beautiful mind

My mind is everything
It is my greatest asset and my biggest curse

It creates heaven
It creates hell

It has the greatest potential
Nothing comes close to the potential of a human mind

But like anything that has great potential
It can go both ways

It can go to hell
It can go to heaven

Every day it has to be taken care of
Anything that is left alone will degrade

There is nothing that gets better if you leave it
Only things that are alive can get better

Everything else degrades
It breaks, falls apart and changes until it is something else

The mind has to be taken care of
Anything that goes in stays in the mind

One has to be extremely selective with what one puts in
Anything that goes in has the potential to grow

A single wrong thought can grow
It can grow and create an entire parallel universe

To the point of being completely untrue
An entire world created as a fantasy of the mind

This can be nice when it is heaven
When heaven is created in the mind it is beautiful

But the mind can also create hell
A single thinking mistake or wrong belief can cause that

The entire model of the world crashes down
It collapses in itself and burns

Everything changes because of taking the wrong turn
Taking the wrong turn and landing in a dark alley

But whenever a wrong turn is taken
Wherever this takes the mind, it has to be walked

The alley has to be explored
The alleys want to be uncovered

The places that are rarely wandered want to be seen
Light needs to be brought forth to them

Awareness and wisdom arise from wandering
Wandering the places of the mind everyone is afraid of

One can get lost wandering in the mind
It is endless, it is alive

It will continue to produce 
It will always come up with new paths to wander

It is alive
Anything that is alive will continue what it does until it is dead

The mind will never die
Only when I die, I will take the mind with me

My mind is beauty
It is empty and yet full of surprises

Whatever arises I can see it
I am aware and see it for what it is

I am curious
I want to know what it is

But the mind can also take me away 
Away from what actually is

It can trap me
Trap me in thoughts

But I always find a way out
I will always return to what is

To what I feel
What I feel flowing through my heart

A deep sense of love and compassion
Pain too, so much pain and suffering

But I will not close my heart
I will not close down to the pain

I will continue to try
I will choose heaven every day

I will leave the world a better place
I will help the people that want my help

I will leave the people that don't want to be helped
I cannot help them

I will continue to love them
Even though I cannot help them

I will focus on the people that I can help
Someone else will do the job for the others I am not supposed to help

Infinite wisdom
Endless love

True compassion
Deep gratefulness for being alive

These are my mantras
I love myself and will live by them

TOBE's:

  1. Be happy
  2. Be a unicorn

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@Psychonaut  Sure, you need to feel it. But you don't need to feel it all the way until you leave your body, that's the difference. You need to embrace your suffering, then accept it and get rid of it, there is a way out. You cannot help others and radiate Infinite Wisdom and Endless Love, if you don't help yourself first. But your suffering makes you believe, that it is meaningful to suffer and that you are helping someone with it. That's a lie.

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Only thing you can do wrong is not talk about it. Find therapist or start recording your own personal podcasts and listen them back and take notes. 

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What you are writing about is very real, you probably feel guilty about writing about it because you think you shouldn't be like that.

You need two components to solve any problem in your mind. You can figure out something new from what's already in your brain, and the outer world, other people, etc .. that's the first one. You create new knowledge using your mind. But these information might be wrong, because you are only human. Building new knowledge based on something that is wrong sooner or later will find a contradiction. You don't know where you are wrong, you just know that you are. Your mind can find the contradiction but doesn't know the original problem, because it's way harder to find the solution than to see the problem, just like everywhere in the world, in your mind too :) Most likely you got it from someone else who thought it's right, and it fit your knowledge then, or assumed something that is wrong.

That's where the second component comes in, which is removing information, or assuming it's wrong, and try to prove you found it by creating new info with it being wrong! But it's hard since every knowledge you have you think is right! Try to remember the last time you got frustrated over something, and started questioning everything that's related, eventually finding out where you were wrong and solving the problem? Do you feel the same way now? There are all the things you think are right, but something must be wrong, because you found something that just doesn't make sense! So you are seeking where you are wrong, trying to remove the knowledge where this mistake is.

There is a part of your mind that makes you create knowledge, and a part of you that makes you remove knowledge. Removing is the harder part, because you are searching for a needle in the haystack, which you are not even sure if is there, and doesn't even look like a needle before detailed investigation.

So you are frustrated which puts you in remove mode, that's what you are doing to yourself. In fact you are shifting between create and remove mode, based on what you are writing! That's essential to solving any problem. In create mode you feel calm, but in remove mode ..  Don't get scared, you won't lose anything useful, you are just making yourself questioning everything you know, because you are still not finding it! This is the purpose of frustration, to make you question what you already think is right, because you know something is not! "you think you shouldn't be like that." ..

I'm not a doctor, but I know Leo has the answer, that's how I found it. There is a contradiction in you that you can't find. Hint, I only seen a couple of hours of footage from him, nothing spiritual.

"Maybe I need to suffer? Maybe I actually need to feel what I am feeling?" This is very very very close to your solution from what I can tell. Think about the things you think you need, and check how you feel about them. Then think about the things you don't need. Can you find a pattern?

Remember: what the hell do I know?!

Edited by Litaken

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