Shaun

I am utterly empty and helpless

55 posts in this topic

So I'm hallucinating this whole thing. Leo, my family and the entire universe. Nothing more than fake hallucinations with no more life to them than a video on a screen or character in a computer game. I really can't do anything with my life any more as there is nobody to benefit from anything I do. I don't even know why I'm making this post to be honest. Every day I feel nothing. I no longer know how to feel love or joy as there is nothing to achieve and no goal any more. I am absolutely stuck now, suicide is no option and there are no options. I wouldn't say that I'm suffering, there is just no emotion now apart from great fear in the morning.

I used to think that we are all pure consciousness, we are all in this mind and when a person awakens, a little bit of that one mind awakens and the whole thing was working to know itself and once the whole mind awakens to its true essence, it was nirvana for eternity.

It's not like that. Once I know myself, I just start the cycle again from the stages of primordial sludge and all the misery continues ad infinitum. How the hell do I work with that?


"The narcissist becomes one with everything, because the narcissist is everything and everything is the narcissist" -Sam Vaknin

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1 minute ago, Shaun said:

I used to think that we are all pure consciousness, we are all in this mind and when a person awakens, a little bit of that one mind awakens and the whole thing was working to know itself and once the whole mind awakens to its true essence, it was nirvana for eternity.

WHOA, hold on. Do you think your past self was wrong?  You only had half the story, now you've rejected half for the other half. Bring the two halves together and you'll have the whole story.

In the meantime here's a hug. :x


Light on Earth The power of love came into me,
and I became fierce like a lion,
then tender like the evening star.” - Rumi

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You don't know yourself yet. It sounds like you have some level of realization but it's far from complete. Your ego is still very much alive and well. I recommend a good meditation practice so you can develop an awareness of the thoughts in your mind. That is the source of your misery, identifying with your mind. 

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Just now, tsuki said:

This too shall pass.

Yes, it probably will when I forget myself again in another life.


"The narcissist becomes one with everything, because the narcissist is everything and everything is the narcissist" -Sam Vaknin

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2 minutes ago, Maya_0 said:

You don't know yourself yet. It sounds like you have some level of realization but it's far from complete. Your ego is still very much alive and well. I recommend a good meditation practice so you can develop an awareness of the thoughts in your mind. That is the source of your misery, identifying with your mind. 

I'm still continuing my meditation and have been for the last 3 years. Not sure where it's going to take me now but I still do it.


"The narcissist becomes one with everything, because the narcissist is everything and everything is the narcissist" -Sam Vaknin

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1 minute ago, Shaun said:

Yes, it probably will when I forget myself again in another life.

What another life. This is it. It is not called liberation without a good reason. Trust the process and practise practise practise, no other way. 

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Posted (edited)

@Shaun

Enjoy yourself during this phase. It won't last long.

Get comfortable, eat something you love, drink something you love, say whatever you feel like saying, take care of your health, go out in nature, watch a movie, get out of the thinking mode and enter the 'experiencing' mode, stop taking the thoughts seriously, listen to the music you love, journal about how you feel and be very very very specific.

Basically ask yourself: what do I really want to do right now? And then go do it, whatever it might be. (hint: no answer means meditation, aka doing nothing).

It always seems hopeless until it's over, and it always ends.

Cheer up you beautiful creature!

Edited by Truth Addict

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Posted (edited)

 

Edited by abrakamowse

The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Morpheus (The Matrix)

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25 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

@Shaun

Enjoy yourself during this phase. It won't last long.

Get comfortable, eat something you love, drink something you love, say whatever you feel like saying, take care of your health, go out in nature, watch a movie, get out of the thinking mode and enter the 'experiencing' mode, stop taking the thoughts seriously, listen to the music you love, journal about how you feel and be very very very specific.

Basically ask yourself: what do I really want to do right now? And then go do it, whatever it might be. (hint: no answer means meditation, aka doing nothing).

It always seems hopeless until it's over, and it always ends.

Cheer up you beautiful creature!

I've tried listening to all the music I used to love but I still feel nothing, same with movies. All motivation for my hobbies is gone too.


"The narcissist becomes one with everything, because the narcissist is everything and everything is the narcissist" -Sam Vaknin

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The hallucination shall make you free!


The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Morpheus (The Matrix)

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Posted (edited)

@Shaun I've been there my friend. It's not a great place to be but when you get to the next stage you'll feel a lot different. What goes down must come up. Journalling really helped me and there's some great advice here given to you about looking after yourself. Remember to continue to be aware and if it goes on for too long get professional help. 

Edited by Surfingthewave

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Posted (edited)

@Shaun

Maybe it's time for making big changes in your life. Maybe it's time for a fresh start. Maybe it's time to leave the past behind.

Examine the thoughts that initiate the unwanted feelings, take a closer look at them. You have all the answers.

Edited by Truth Addict

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Posted (edited)

I just wanted my life to matter, I wanted to love and to be loved, to help others and see them happy and to work with renewable energy or electric cars to make the world a better place. I would be as well looking after a Tamagochi virtual pet or playing the sims as there is literally no difference between doing that and caring for others in real life. I will do spiritual practices and all I need to survive and nothing more as there is honestly no point in changing my career or making a difference in life.

In summary, I am just hugely disappointed. I really wish things were as the materialists say because under that paradigm, life was truly precious, engaging and everything you did mattered hugely because there was other separate independently existing people with whom to enjoy life with. Sure, you only got one chance at it and if you fucked it up, your regret would be over and done with because you'd be dead anyway. I simply can not express in words the joy and love I used to feel when living under this old understanding. It was a pure love for existence and all things therein.

Leo's paradigm, which is the true paradigm is blood curdlingly terrifying, tragic and there's no escape. You will suffer for eternity in ways you can't imagine. I better hold onto this life as best as I can because the next may be a lot worse.

 

Edited by Shaun

"The narcissist becomes one with everything, because the narcissist is everything and everything is the narcissist" -Sam Vaknin

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Posted (edited)

@Shaun

Don't worry. That's how it seems at first.

But the road to heaven is full of hells.

You are in a transitional phase, and the path is not over yet. You will find ways to rediscover joy, only this time it will be orders of magnitude better.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

Edited by Truth Addict

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2 hours ago, Shaun said:

It's not like that. Once I know myself, I just start the cycle again from the stages of primordial sludge and all the misery continues ad infinitum. How the hell do I work with that?

I was in a similar position some months ago, feeling emptier every day. Nothing had a meaning any more, and days were passing functioning in auto-pilot. I had depression before, but boy, that was on another level.

Alongside the sense of spiraling down the abyss though, I was feeling a kindle smoldering deep inside telling me that's not all. I had a feeling that there is something wrong and I have to do something. One day I got it. I managed to saw myself driven by the lowest parts of my ego more and more. I was losing the battle of the selves. The self (ego) was conquering the Self more and more. Then one day I had an epiphany: "I m tired of Adam. I have to defeat him" (let's say Adam is my real name). I realized that the ego I ve been constructing for decades became too much of a burden, paralyzing and catastrophic for my life. I saw myself standing opposite of Adam. But I didn't feel strong enough at the point to fight. 

So, I called upon the BIG gun.

A month later, during and incredible and unforgettable night, the BIG gun shred my ego to pieces. I went through hell, felt my ego resisting, surrendering and dying. My Self arose and for the first time and I felt totally liberated. Despite the ego back lashed hard the next day, it lost some of its power. Everything had a meaning again. The feeling of void was diminished and during the last months big changes have happened to my life and I now can see my ego in a way I never was able before. I still have a lot of battles to win, but I learned some of its weak points. I started meditating daily and consistently and started Kriya Yoga all over from the start.

With my story I d like to point out that it may be your ego that has taken all the teachings and Leo's paradigm and created a distorted view, that serve a dark side of it. Elaborate this possibility, think about if something is getting "joy" from this despair. See if it's lower consciousness disguised as higher consciousness that has taken you in these muddy roads.

As for the BIG gun, you may have already guessed what it is:

Ayahuasca

 

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3 minutes ago, Kensho said:

I was in a similar position some months ago, feeling emptier every day. Nothing had a meaning any more, and days were passing functioning in auto-pilot. I had depression before, but boy, that was on another level.

Alongside the sense of spiraling down the abyss though, I was feeling a kindle smoldering deep inside telling me that's not all. I had a feeling that there is something wrong and I have to do something. One day I got it. I managed to saw myself driven by the lowest parts of my ego more and more. I was losing the battle of the selves. The self (ego) was conquering the Self more and more. Then one day I had an epiphany: "I m tired of Adam. I have to defeat him" (let's say Adam is my real name). I realized that the ego I ve been constructing for decades became too much of a burden, paralyzing and catastrophic for my life. I saw myself standing opposite of Adam. But I didn't feel strong enough at the point to fight. 

So, I called upon the BIG gun.

A month later, during and incredible and unforgettable night, the BIG gun shred my ego to pieces. I went through hell, felt my ego resisting, surrendering and dying. My Self arose and for the first time and I felt totally liberated. Despite the ego back lashed hard the next day, it lost some of its power. Everything had a meaning again. The feeling of void was diminished and during the last months big changes have happened to my life and I now can see my ego in a way I never was able before. I still have a lot of battles to win, but I learned some of its weak points. I started meditating daily and consistently and started Kriya Yoga all over from the start.

With my story I d like to point out that it may be your ego that has taken all the teachings and Leo's paradigm and created a distorted view, that serve a dark side of it. Elaborate this possibility, think about if something is getting "joy" from this despair. See if it's lower consciousness disguised as higher consciousness that has taken you in these muddy roads.

As for the BIG gun, you may have already guessed what it is:

Ayahuasca

 

 

I will look into the stronger stuff once my life on an external level has been de cluttered. I had a 2 gram mushroom trip and the cluttered nature of my life came into it and didn't help.


"The narcissist becomes one with everything, because the narcissist is everything and everything is the narcissist" -Sam Vaknin

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1 hour ago, Shaun said:

I just wanted my life to matter,

Your life matters. Because you are part of reality and God want to experience how it is being you.

Words are pointers. Hallucination is just a way to say that reality is not as "solid" as we thought it was. There's also spirit. Don't let your mind deceive you. Everything you do has a purpose.

You can see life from all points of view. Choose wisely.


The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Morpheus (The Matrix)

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Posted (edited)

4 hours ago, Shaun said:

Yes, it probably will when I forget myself again in another life.

That's all you have to remember..to remember here now that in your next incarnation you will not remember anything of your old stale life and that your new life will be all fresh and waiting for you to discover and fulfill your natural curiosity.

In the life you have now..what you don't know cannot hurt you. Knowledge is the suffering, it's knowing you exist...because when you don't exist, there is no suffering.

Human Babies and animals don't suffer because they have no knowledge of themselves existing, they are existence but they have no sense of self to whom suffering arises. It is only when knowledge is born does the poison that is knowledge enter the ignorance and innocence of existence being. 

You can have the bliss of ignorance and innocence now  while in life, you don't have to wait until you die to end suffering.

The end of knowledge is the end of suffering. Advaita Vedanta is the end of knowledge. And that's all suffering is, but ultimately there is no you that ever suffered, the real you has never suffered...it takes a shift in conscious thinking to see that. 

As for Nonduality.. it is not for the faint of heart, it can make you feel lost, disassociated with life and other people, suicidal, and depressed, because it blows away the very foundation of your very existence the way you believed it to be, it's not for everyone. The brave will have the courage to jump into the abyss and embrace it with both arms, but for others, that thought will be terrifying, while it's a blessed relief for some ... if it's causing the feeling of hopelessness and despair,  best leave it well alone and get back to ordinary living...and to remember you live only once as your unique never to be repeated character, so it's like what are you going to do with that one chance you have to dance your unique dance in this incarnation? it's your call.

Make it miserable or happy...it's your conscious choice in every moment.

Edited by Umar_uk

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Posted (edited)

This thread is an example of how a negative mindset can stop you from achieving direct experience. Seriously, maybe it's better to study some belief system and practice some ritual to achieve non duality, at least you would lie to yourself with a more positive mindset, but I know nothing. any belief and mindset is a lie btw. Don't blame the Truth with bad perceptions

Edited by oMarcos

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