Andreas

Isn’t not caring what people think of you very lonely?

29 posts in this topic

It seems very sad to live in this type of mental solitude. What’s the point in having friends or relationships if you don’t care what people think of you? Thanks for any answers. 

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Posted (edited)

And it feels very lovely to live like a slave from others opinions?

Edited by NoSelfSelf

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@Andreas If you stop caring what people think of you = sad? Can you explain your feelings on this a little? 


  Nonduality & Meditations         

Empty your head, fulfill your heart       

 

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6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Andreas If you stop caring what people think of you = sad? Can you explain your feelings on this a little? 

It just feels so lonely. 

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There's a difference between being rational and assessing carefully what other people think, and 'not giving a sh**'.  When you consider that many people live in the tidal wave of other's opinions without even considering if they're even valid (that voice I have telling me I'm a lazy moo when I'm relaxing instead of doing something 'useful' isn't mine but a learned response from my parents), then it makes sense to step back and consider how much you're being swept along in a similar tidal wave.  It's part and parcel of developing yourself as an independent and self reliant human, but it doesn't mean loneliness, it means choosing to make sure your thoughts and feelings are your own, not a conditioned response to what you've always known.

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@Andreas  If you don't care what people think of you you choose to connect with them more so out of a genuine desire to do so because you enjoy it, rather than a fear of disapproval. You don't have to do it, but you do it because you enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it then so be it, be as much alone as you please. You treating people well is an act of charity, not because you want something from them. You get the gist.

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2 hours ago, Andreas said:

It seems very sad to live in this type of mental solitude. What’s the point in having friends or relationships if you don’t care what people think of you? Thanks for any answers. 

I'm not sure why you imagine it to be solitude. Defining oneself based on others' opinions is not a requirement for enjoying their company and caring about them. In fact as a mentally strong and grounded person you can have relationships more honest and fulfilling, because they're about genuine relating rather than maintaining your self-esteem.

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Posted (edited)

I think what the OP is saying that; by not caring what other people think, you will actually risk being ostracized from the group. This is extremely evident when you have friends or are in social groups that are extremely Blue. (Its a tribal pack mentality)

I can understand that, and you end up feeling lonely because you don't have anyone to connect to. I'm struggling with something similar.

But if you don't express your true self, you will find that you can never find people who genuinely cares about you. Yes you will risk being alone, and friendless. But it will open up an opportunity to find REAL friends. (people with similar values to you)

Edited by Wyze

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You never really know what other people think. Because you are not them. You are just making a judgement about the actions and words of other people, and creating a story about what they're 'thinking'. The story belongs to you, not them.

The stories you tell yourself, make you happy or sad or lonely. Drop the stories and directly choose how you want to feel instead.

What am I thinking about you?


Don't eat soup with chopsticks. Pick up the bowl and drink.

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But isn’t it a need to have belonging, love and to be understood? It says so in the maslows hierarcy but Leo’s video seems to be contradicting it. 

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34 minutes ago, Andreas said:

But isn’t it a need to have belonging, love and to be understood? It says so in the maslows hierarcy but Leo’s video seems to be contradicting it. 

“It” is not a need, you’re believing a thought “it is a need”, “I am not enough, I need something”. 

“It” -  Is a thought & sensation, which you are aware of.  

You belong, simply because, you are. What anyone else thinks, does not change that you are. 

You are love, because you are. Where else in your own experience has love ever been, but here, now, arising within you? You are “it”!

”I have been understood, I have not been understood” - YOU understand that is a thought. YOU ARE the understanding itself. You are “it”!

You can interpret Maslow, Leo, Nahm, anyone - how you want to, because you are you

You can say  “I need to get the feeling of belonging, love and being understood - from someone else.”

You can also say “I belong, I am love. So there is no need to understand, nor to be understood”. 


  Nonduality & Meditations         

Empty your head, fulfill your heart       

 

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18 hours ago, Andreas said:

It seems very sad to live in this type of mental solitude. What’s the point in having friends or relationships if you don’t care what people think of you? Thanks for any answers. 

Can you care about what others think of you and not worry and suffer ?

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1 hour ago, Andreas said:

But isn’t it a need to have belonging, love and to be understood? It says so in the maslows hierarcy but Leo’s video seems to be contradicting it. 

Could you elaborate the potential contradiction you're seeing between Maslow's hierarchy and some of Leo's videos?  That might help me root out the issue


Comprehensive list of techniques: https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/meditation-practices

I appreciate criticism!  Be as critical/nitpicky as you like and don't hold your blows

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53 minutes ago, zambize said:

Could you elaborate the potential contradiction you're seeing between Maslow's hierarchy and some of Leo's videos?  That might help me root out the issue

By not caring what other think you might not get a feeling of belonging. Or being understood. Or even love. Because it doesn’t matter? It seems to me that this is a contradiction. 

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45 minutes ago, Andreas said:

By not caring what other think you might not get a feeling of belonging. Or being understood. Or even love. Because it doesn’t matter? It seems to me that this is a contradiction. 

Interesting, I think a lot of this debate is loaded into what each person considers "caring about what other people think".  What I primarily mean when I say "I don't care what others think" goes as follows.

1.  I wouldn't let what someone thought about my needs/desires affect whether or not I'm going to fulfill them.  Basically I'm going to steer my own life.

2.  I'm not going to let someone's thoughts about my personality cause me to change my personality, or come off different to "fit in".

It's really a matter of perspective, one person might use "not caring about what other people think" to stand up for what they believe is right, even though you will be judged harshly for it.  Or showing love, regardless of how it might make you feel embarrassed etc.

On the other hand, someone might use the same idea of "not caring about what people think" to be indifferent to other people and their opinions, to not consider the impact you might have on other people.

So, I don't think there is this inherent contradiction in "not caring what others think about you", and feeling belonged or loved.  It's kind of like how some people use the Quran for peace and love, and others as an excuse to be violent and fight for power.  In this same light, I think it's on you to decide how you could interpret "not caring about what others think", in a way that pulls what could be useful for you in your life, while realizing the limitations of it, and how some interpretations of it can come off as cold.


Comprehensive list of techniques: https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/meditation-practices

I appreciate criticism!  Be as critical/nitpicky as you like and don't hold your blows

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9 hours ago, zambize said:

1.  I wouldn't let what someone thought about my needs/desires affect whether or not I'm going to fulfill them.  Basically I'm going to steer my own life.

2.  I'm not going to let someone's thoughts about my personality cause me to change my personality, or come off different to "fit in".

Bingo.

Basically there is no necessity to conform to the status quo anymore. You can be you.

I listen to what people have to say, but not because I really care about them having a positive opinion about me. Its more that their opinion may offer a perspective that is genuinely beneficial to me.

Ultimate you set your path in life. Use the opinions of others to learn and grow not to treat as law to fit in.

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I would rephrase "not caring what people think of you", into "not caring about certain viewpoints and opinions held by others about you".

Basically, choosing whom and what opinions you give the power to influence your inner workings/emotions.


"Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves."

- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

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@zambize what do you think is the cause of someone not feeling "belonging" in the first place?

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24 minutes ago, Wyze said:

@zambize what do you think is the cause of someone not feeling "belonging" in the first place?

I think there are all kinds of things that could cause you not to feel like you belong, I'll throw a few darts and maybe one or some of them resonates with you.

1.  You are maybe a bit of an outlier.  Your world-view or interests may differ significantly from the norm, leading you to feel like you don't belong in the sense that you are just so different from everyone else, it's hard to find anyone to relate to without feeling like you're going to be judged.  This could get even worse if you feel like you're so strange that you'll just be perceived as strange if you open up, so you keep a lot of yourself to yourself, but then other people don't get the chance to have a genuine relationship with you.

2.  You've changed.  Great you've changed, unfortunately it takes a while for our external environment to adapt to our newly upgraded internal software.  Maybe you had a good run of personal development, or just matured a lot in general, yet you have friends or family that are stuck in the past.  They fail to see the ways in which you've changed, and they treat you like a shadow of the past because they are unable to or unwilling to see the new you.  You might feel like the "new" you doesn't belong because it's living in the life of the "old" you, being treated like the "old" you. 

3. Inauthentic relationships.  I think I often feel like I don't belong when I meet people who I just really don't feel get me.  Maybe they've made all sorts of mental projections, or maybe I can tell they really don't care what I have to say.  But sometimes when I communicate with people, they just don't feel like they are really there with me, and that can make me feel like I don't belong or aren't a part of the conversation.

If none of those resonated at all with you, I'd probably ask yourself if it's long periods of "not belonging", in which you should look at your life as a whole, career/school, big relationship etc.  Or if it's just certain groups or people who make you feel like you don't belong, and maybe you could figure it out what about these people make you feel like you don't belong


Comprehensive list of techniques: https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/meditation-practices

I appreciate criticism!  Be as critical/nitpicky as you like and don't hold your blows

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