Andreas

Isn’t not caring what people think of you very lonely?

28 posts in this topic

9 hours ago, iTommy said:

I would rephrase "not caring what people think of you", into "not caring about certain viewpoints and opinions held by others about you".

Basically, choosing whom and what opinions you give the power to influence your inner workings/emotions.

Yeah that sounds about right. 

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@zambize Thanks for the detailed reply. I think all 3 resonates with me lol

It is the sense of not belonging which lead to more self-development which lead to even more sense of not belonging.

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On 3/8/2019 at 7:07 PM, Wyze said:

I think what the OP is saying that; by not caring what other people think, you will actually risk being ostracized from the group. This is extremely evident when you have friends or are in social groups that are extremely Blue. (Its a tribal pack mentality)

I can understand that, and you end up feeling lonely because you don't have anyone to connect to. I'm struggling with something similar.

But if you don't express your true self, you will find that you can never find people who genuinely cares about you. Yes you will risk being alone, and friendless. But it will open up an opportunity to find REAL friends. (people with similar values to you)

This is something Ive struggled with in the past. I feel like when we feel overly concerned with how others see us we will automatically start to judge them and where they stand (or relate) in many topics of discussion. You may hold a belief of “needing common viewpoints” in order to make a real connection with people, which isn’t the case. Try shifting your focus to simply understanding where they are coming from and not always finding a way to relate. Connection is not about relatability but about compassion/understanding and openness 

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@DrewNows I think thats a good way to see it. but I have tried that in the past (basically my entire life), people start treating you as their personal psychotherapist. Overtime you become really drained. Yes you learn to set boundaries, but the problem is that you've taught other people to relate to you though "you being understanding, listening and accommodating" all the time.

Make no mistake, I had alot of "friends" and very popular during that time. But when shit hits the fan, everyone disappeared, some thought my personal traumatic events was "funny" and "great for gossiping". (In hard times, you really see people's character)

The real friends are those who can provide you with a 2 way street, and in essence; your looking for someone similar to you (both are listeners) and respect you and your life...hence similar values/worldviews.

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2 hours ago, Wyze said:

@zambize Thanks for the detailed reply. I think all 3 resonates with me lol

It is the sense of not belonging which lead to more self-development which lead to even more sense of not belonging.

Well call me a sharp shooter for getting all three.

One thing that helped me was being open with my friends and anyone important to me that my personality tends to be pretty dynamic, that I'm into personal development and making changes in my life, and that they shouldn't always expect the same person in every way when we see me next.  This has helped because now a lot of conversations after I haven't seen these people in a while touch on all the changes I've been making in my life and gives me an opportunity to express myself for who I am, sitting there that day.  

Maybe that's not how you will practically apply that knowledge, but I do hope if this is something that is bothering you, that you do seek out practical ways to transform your life 


Comprehensive list of techniques: https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/meditation-practices

I appreciate criticism!  Be as critical/nitpicky as you like and don't hold your blows

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@zambize

I think your very luck that when you opened up; your friends accepted you. Mine didn't. I became the butt joke. Some even tried to change me back. Some gave me disapproving looks and sighs (literally, I kid you not)

It really depends on the friends at the end of the day. I think I was stuck in a very specific group of people due to a lot of unique circumstances. There was a lot of in/out group thinking going on, and anyone that is different will be bullied. In those type of social circle; its alot safer to just leave and find similar minded people.

But thanks for all the advance anyways. I think what you've said really nicely articulated what I was feeling about it.

 

Edited by Wyze

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13 minutes ago, Wyze said:

@zambize

I think your very luck that when you opened up; your friends accepted you. Mine didn't. I became the butt joke. Some even tried to change me back. Some gave me disapproving looks and sighs (literally, I kid you not)

It really depends on the friends at the end of the day. I think I was stuck in a very specific group of people due to a lot of unique circumstances. There was a lot of in/out group thinking going on, and anyone that is different will be bullied. In those type of social circle; its alot safer to just leave and find similar minded people.

But thanks for all the advance anyways. I think what you've said really nicely articulated what I was feeling about it.

 

Well I'm sorry you ended up on the butt end of so many jokes.  Friends can be little shits.  

One of my best friends for around 14 years or so at the time tried to get my girlfriend at the time to suck his dick, and when I was nice enough to chalk it up to him being drunk, he messaged her again four months later same thing.  He did it again once we broke up, which me and my ex who are very close friends basically laughed at how unbelievably stupid he was, and how bad of a friend he was. 

While this was the worst of my friends I cut out of my life, I cut out probably 4/6 of my serious childhood friends.  Which today is kind of what laid the foundation for the core friends and relationships in my life today.  I'm not saying you have to go cutting out friends, but if you arent happy with how you're treated or feel around any of them, dont hang out with them.  All of my relationships with my friends are open, and I've made it clear that I need them to care about me and my life in order for me to want to be around them.  

So yes, my friends were supportive, but I also pick supportive people to be around.  I have a very high standard for people I let into my personal life, being an emotionally vulnerable person this important to me.  I hope you find or have found some friends who arent dicks, they can be nice to have around 

 


Comprehensive list of techniques: https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/meditation-practices

I appreciate criticism!  Be as critical/nitpicky as you like and don't hold your blows

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@WyzeYes it goes way deeper

When we give ourselves the same kind of attention as those we wish to interact with, only then may we create the types of relationships we value. How we see ourselves is what causes the disconnect with others. The attention is a sort of third person awareness, which doesn't hold judgement and simply wants to understand the facts vs beliefs

The thing is...the more we understand ourselves the better we can accept and see past the differences AND EVEN stop putting expectations on those we might consider to be friends. What makes your agenda, worldview and beliefs any better than theirs? 

15 hours ago, Wyze said:

The real friends are those who can provide you with a 2 way street, and in essence; your looking for someone similar to you (both are listeners) and respect you and your life...hence similar values/worldviews.

This is a belief. So what, sure it may sound good, morally right, whatever, but why limit ourselves to simply having "real" friends when we can have "real" interactions (deep, open). It sounds silly to put limitations on who can be considered your friend simply by what sort of value they can bring to your views

 

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