iTommy

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About iTommy

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  1. I've been wondering what it means that reality is infinite. What does this entail/mean? - Is it infinitely big? - Does it mean that everything even mystical creatures like physical pink unicorns exist? - Does it mean that there are multiple (infinite?) Tommy's exactly like "my" body and ego, doing their thing and perceiving some sort of experience? - Does it mean that "evil" does exist even though it's rather a perception/interpretation of content, because of reality being infinite? (I saw Leo's video on evil and it resonates with my interpretation of reality. I am bringing this up because I've had a discussion with someone saying that it does exist because it's a part of "reality".) Now, personally I think that it's all (sorta like) a dream, or atleast that's what enlightened people tend to say. So really in my mind I go "So all experience is just like a dream, an illusion of perceptions and experience. That means that nothing ever has been "real", nor is the current experience any different." But, then I also go "Well, sure it might be like a dream but it's all we know, so isn't it plausible to say that the content within reality/awareness is real? Maybe it might only be real from a human/animal perspective, but doesn't this mean that it is real in some sense? I mean there seems to be an experience that each individual has, sure those are subjective but subjectivity is all we know. Aren't those individual experiences real? - They seem to exist within awareness, otherwise there wouldn't be experience at all, right? So... maybe evil does exist within it." I am very conflicted on the one above, since I am unsure what to classify as real or unreal. So... what does it really mean that reality is infinite? This is probably something to be experienced, but I hope that some of you can somehow verbally sorta put it into words.
  2. Hey guys. I've been feeling depressed for years now, and there is a big part of me that doesn't expect anything out of life anymore. This part has already completely given up on life. The first few years of trying to "fix" my mental state were hard but there was still a glimpse of authentically wanting to reach something in life, and/or atleast continue to fight the battle. Yet, especially in the last two years this glimpse isn't really there anymore. There are moments in my life, where I find myself being a bit grateful for being able to still experience certain things, but those are very rare. I always find myself being between giving up, and keeping on fighting. On one side my mind has already given up, it's saying like, "Well, life is not for me. Why bother playing the game of life which you mostly perceive as negative, frustrating, miserable, when you can quit?" The other side is saying something like, "You have so much potential, although life to you currrently seems dull, frustrating etc. it's possible to turn this around. It's possible for you, to live a joyful and a fulfilling life. The only thing that keeps you from living one, is how you interpret the things you perceive. You don't see life currently as it is, you see it how the mind chooses to interpret it. With work, you can accomplish things that you didn't think were possible." So... this kind of sucks being stuck in-between those two opposites. Instead of choosing one to go with, there is always this inner conflict. Even though if I would choose the more positive option, the mind would still not really want to get better, because on some level it has given up completely, it feels/seems impossible to convince the mind otherwise. I feel completely worn out and tired of life. There is zero motivation, and I'd rather just sleep all day long. I've been in therapy and I am on medication, yet they only scratch the surface of the deeper issues. I wouldn't even really mind if someone put a gun to my head, hell I'd probably just laugh. I feel trapped in deep neurotic patterns. Here, I am trying to be mindful, seeing feelings & thoughts for what they are etc., meditation/self-inquiry & contemplation helps me with that too, but really the mind is just tired. The only positive I can get out from this, is that I am able to surrender rather easily to some degree when it comes to doing self-inquiry/"ego-deaths" and whatnot, since "I" don't really mind dying. I am not really sure where to go from here. This part of feeling that life isn't for me is pretty static. It's like a wall and it seems that I don't have the equipment nor the strenght to break or climb it. I am trying to get into a clinic again, which might take two years to get in and do a bit of other therapy in the meantime. Yet... I don't really believe that it will change something. Sure, maybe I would experience a bit of motivation & drive here and there while being there, but then this would crumble down again and I am back at the start - that's atleast my assumption and the mindset I am bringing with me. This mindset is again, very static. I am open to whatever is there, but deep down as I already said, the mind has made its decision. Any tips/pointers on how to deal with this?
  3. That's true. The mind really loves concepts, it really wants to label and figure out stuff, but all the stuff that's happening is rooted in perceptions. I am practising to let go of all concepts and ideas, because those are just... concepts & ideas, and not really what "I" am. The mind really loves to play its own game of deception.
  4. Haha true. The last time I took psychedelics "I" had a breakthrough. It might have been an "enlightenment experience", but I am still a bit uncertain if it truly was one. During self-inquiry while on a psychedelic, something just *clicked*. "I" was nothing, but this nothing was also everything, this was then followed by crying and laughter that lasted around 2 hours. It seemed so obvious that I was it all, yet all this time I've been dancing around in circles, not really "getting" it. Hell, that was one experience that still makes me a bit emotional when talking/writing about it. The part that I sadly can't really grasp is what happened, I mean... what did really change? Did anything change at all? Here we could say that awareness became aware of itself, yet the mind tries to find a process, some sort of model that lead to this experience. It feels like I had gotten a deep insight about reality, but one that the mind can't really grasp or recall. So I am having trouble integrating it all. It has been two months since I last took psychedelics, so before I give it another go I'd like to integrate/"understand" the experience to some extent. But... I am not sure if it's possible at all to really understand what was going on. I might just be trying to grasp something, that can't be grasped with the mind. Psychedelics can really open the gates, even if those gates create experiences that are a total mindfuck, those experiences inspire/motivate me to go deeper, to explore "reality"/what is.
  5. Savanna scatters and the seabird sings So why should we fear what travel brings? What were we hoping to get out of this? Some kind of momentary bliss? I waited for Something, and Something died So I waited for Nothing, and Nothing arrived It's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend It's our darkest blackout, it's our final end My dear sweet Nothing, let's start a new From here all in is just me and you I waited for Something and Something died So I waited for Nothing, and Nothing arrived Well I guess it's over, I guess it's begun It's a losers' table, but we've already won It's a funny battle, it's a constant game I guess I was busy when Nothing came I guess I was busy (when Nothing arrived) I guess I was busy (when Nothing arrived) I guess I was busy (when Nothing arrived) I guess I was busy (when Nothing arrived) I guess I was busy (when Nothing arrived) I waited for Something and Something died So I waited for Nothing, and Nothing arrived I waited for Something and Something died So I waited for Nothing, and Nothing arrived Category - Enlightenment & Meditation I picture the "nothing" in this song, as nothingness. It just inspires me since it really drives some deep points home if you actually view nothing in here, as nothingness, the no-"thing" that you are. Basically, he waits for some thing, and always chases after things. But then there is this nothingness, which is always there, yet he was always busy chasing after things while totally overlooking what already was there, nothing(ness).
  6. Hey guys! As the title already reveals, it feels like I am stuck when doing self-inquiry. I usually meditate, and during the session I ask questions like "What are my, really? What/who is this "I"? What is the nature of reality/existence?" and so on. So then while asking what I am, thought arises. There isn't really a mental image of an "I", but it usually says "Well, you're the body/brain. If you're not the body, then you're consciousness." So then I keep the awareness on that, only to always realize that this is just thought arising, and the feelings coming with it are also just... feelings. They all occur within awareness. Then I look deeper, only to find nothing, just emptiness. Here the mind thinks of the concept of nothingness, saying "Dude, maybe this is the nothingness, maybe this is you - consciousness, maybe everything just arises out from that." But I then realize too, that this is just a feeling and thought. Then, I still tend to still look for a perceiver, some "thing" that perceives the one meditating. Yet, this here is an ego trap as far as I know, thinking that there is someone who perceives. But, I just keep the awareness on that. "What is being aware? What is aware of being aware?" - here the mind comes to conclusions yet again, it's saying, "Well, since you are awareness, it can only be awareness that is being aware of human awareness." Apparently you can't find yourself, since there is no you. So the mind also comes up with "Why bother trying to find a perceiver, when you can't find one and when you "know" that you're awareness. Stop seeking enlightenment, because where does this seeking come from? Who/what seeks and wants to "become" enlightened? There is nothing to "achieve", to figure out, you already are what you seek." I always remind myself, that the truth is not hidden, it's quite simple and seekers often tend to tackle this whole thing in a more complicated way than necessary. Now, even when softening the focus, all that I am left with is bodily sensations, thought, feelings, emptiness etc. So, then I also think to myself "Everything that arises, is not you. Everything that you perceive, is not you. Even the awareness of the human being, is just an object occurring within nothingness. So... how the fu** are you/human awareness (or rather focus), even supposed to realize anything when everything that awareness catches isn't you? Even if you feel that you've got it, it's just a feeling occuring within your perception, feelings come and go. It's ironic that I put "feeling stuck in the title", isn't it? - It's just a feeling. The feeling of being incomplete, seperated and this ego-self is also just a feeling occuring within awareness. "I" am dancing in circles here... and it's pretty darn frustrating, really. I am not sure how to break out of this cycle. Any thoughts & tips on how to progress?
  7. @Shiva I really like this part, "Enlightenment makes you detach from the entity and attach to existence itself." Thank you for sharing! I now have some things to work with.
  8. I am guessing he believes it because of the detachment component. "If things aren't real, thought isn't real, feelings aren't real, how can you feel immersed, and not detached in experience?" Now, my guess personally would be that experience/reality is real, it's mainly the "you" part that is phony.
  9. Good reply. It's true that "you" are like a machine, this is something I can't get fully across to him either as of now. He still thinks that there is free will to some degree. At number two, although there is no "you", "you" or awareness, according to some video about enlightenment (not from Leo), can supposedly just consciously interfere with feeling a certain way. For example, "negative" emotions arise, and with thought it's apparently possible to completely "choose" to not get affected at all. He thinks that it the same with romantic love, that you can just choose to feel that kind of love towards another person, or not. Point number 4. I get that the border between "you" & "I" dissolves, yet currently as not awake yet, one can only wonder how you will react to someone who wants to hurt you, if you love unconditionally. At number 6. You're not the body/brain. Yet this again, is hard to grasp currently, because we know of the subconscious activity that happens which normally influences how one perceives and interprets reality.
  10. That's one point that I think that I can get across to him. Maybe one of the more important ones, since it's really that what he is worried about. He is worried that "he" will become this heartless being that's just careless, without motivation, without any drive, completely detached from people.
  11. That's what I still can't yet get fully through to him. He thinks that the ego is what makes the individual, it's what makes us unique. "Why would I drop all that? That's what makes us human and individuals with different qualities." He doesn't really see the ego as something "dangerous", as something that causes problems, but more as something that differentiates us. He doesn't see it as something illusory, because there is this sense of self in awareness.
  12. I believe that he went over some questions, yet not as deeply as I'd like to. Correct me if I am wrong, mabye I've missed something.
  13. Hello guys! I've a friend who I'd like to bring the concept of enlightenment closer, maybe even to the point that he walks the path. Yet, he is very skeptical and has assumptions about how you are, after you've had the realisation of enlightenment. He says things like... But then you will be like a robot. Once you realize that you're everything, and that you're at peace with what is, what is there to pursue? Wouldn't you just be sitting somewhere with no motivation to do anything, because you already have it all? Why would you want to choose what feelings to feel? Why would you want to choose to love someone. Isn't falling in love a beautiful thing?, without needing to choose? Life would be monotone, you would be like a robot without emotions because you're so detached from the feelings and thoughts. If you love people unconditionally, what would you do if they would hurt you? What about excitement? Wouldn't that feeling just fall away, because you already feel complete? What is there to be excited about? I don't think that you just can consciously change how you want to feel, because the subconscious still runs the show, right? Apparently you pretty much always feel positive without having those downward curves in mood like a "normal" human being. That just doesn't seem realistic... Isn't it all just an illusion, the concept of enlightenment? Aren't people just deluded? This isn't natural at all. Why would I want to be like that? So... I myself don't have much knowledge about how one feels and acts after having had the realisation of enlightenment. Can someone please elaborate? How is life after the realisation? How does one feel, what does one do? What can "you" control about your inner workings? etc. Answers would be much appreciated. - Tommy
  14. @Nahm I agree, psychedelics do wonders. Personally I prefer LSD over shrooms for now for self-observation/meditation.
  15. Hello folks! So I've been pondering on a few things regarding enlightenment. During my meditation session yesterday where I usually contemplate a bit at the same time, some things kinda made a bit of sense to what "I" am, atleast to the mind. So you're apparently like a flashlight trying to become aware of itself. You try to find something that seems hidden but it's not. It just goes unnoticed, so you usually look and stumble around a bit inside and outside of your body in hopes to get a glimpse of what you are since you're not body & mind. It's always in your current experience. My mind then suggested and I know that mind shouldn't get this, atleast not on a deep level... that the awareness present which you use to feel the skin on your ears, notice your breath, notice sensations in your mouth etc. that this awareness might be you. You're also in a way aware of the awareness itself especcially when you shine the light of awareness onto different areas of the body. You can notice being aware of something. Yet this is very often overlooked since we tend to "look" outside of awareness iftself using the awareness. Basically we try to find ourselves somewhere else using the awareness that is present, but the awareness itself is what we already are (I find it a bit difficult to explain this). Obviously this didn't trigger a huge "aha moment" or anything, since as I understand that mind can't get this and I am generally unsure if it is another trap of mind. Yet this is a suggestion which my mind finds very plausible. Could it actually be it, yet the mind can't figure out exactly what it is and still has tons of ego-smog attached to it, so it prevents "me" to become fully aware of the present awareness, realizing that this was it all along?