Huge depressive episode triggered by "what is god" video

[Shaun]

While listening to the most recent video where Leo was addressing some questions and listing a load of things that were an illusion, brains, family members etc, something inside me just broke and the past 24 hours I have been without sleep and have mostly been feeling a sadness so strong that it was also morphing back and forward between fear and anxiety. I got the impression that solipsism is true and there is nothing but me. There were a few short intervals where the depression would vanish and my appetite would come back but it has returned again. I have never felt so low in my life and depressive episodes are rare with me. I just feel that life has had its entire meaning destroyed.

Have I got this wrong because it seems to contradict one of the metaphors Leo came up with where we are like the bubbles in a sponge, the sponge being consciousness and the empty spaces being us. It also seems to contradict what Rupert Spira said about love being the recognition of OUR shared being. Please can anyone offer some deeper insight as I am in a really dark place just now, feeling that I am close to going totally insane.

Edited February 14, 2019 by Shaun

[TheAvatarState]

@Shaun you got the deepness of it correct, but you're still interpreting it from your little ego because you were given the answers without doing the work. Appreciate the bind that your ego is in... you just fed yourself information that killed itself! 

I understand how rough that can be... Take a chill pill and watch this video:

 

[Truth Addict]

@Shaun

Who would you believe? Your direct experience, or Leo?

You are not alone. I'm here for you.

Edited February 14, 2019 by Truth Addict

[Rinne]

You skipped to part 2 before part 1

[Shadowraix]

Shared being and one being are the same thing. Just different ways of saying it. Be careful to not perceive it as you as an ego being alone. Remember that your direct experience is still the same. You see people and acknowledge they are you but they still offer adequate socializing. 

Life's meaning is embedded in its existence. Any meaning you initially saw may have just been a projection of your own desires. You're experiencing high resistance where their needs to be acceptance. Having this knowledge does insert you into some alternate reality. It's the same reality this whole time offering the same things to you as an ego. Embrace it in all its glory. 

[Shaun]

13 minutes ago, TheAvatarState said:

@Shaun you got the deepness of it correct, but you're still interpreting it from your little ego because you were given the answers without doing the work. Appreciate the bind that your ego is in... you just fed yourself information that killed itself! 

I understand how rough that can be... Take a chill pill and watch this video:

 

Thank you, that cheered me up a bit but no doubt the dark feelings will return.

I have been practising spirituality for a few years now and I am at the stage where I witness everything as awareness including deep depressions and Rupert Spira is right, they can become so intense that they appear to obscure the screen of awareness.

I am planning to try mushrooms in a moderate dose, maybe 3 grams as I have heard a lot of good things about psilocybin. I had a sub breakthrough dose of DMT a few months ago but that was an unpleasant and fearful experience with a moment of absolute stillness in it.

[Shaun]

12 minutes ago, Shadowraix said:

Shared being and one being are the same thing. Just different ways of saying it. Be careful to not perceive it as you as an ego being alone. Remember that your direct experience is still the same. You see people and acknowledge they are you but they still offer adequate socializing. 

Life's meaning is embedded in its existence. Any meaning you initially saw may have just been a projection of your own desires. You're experiencing high resistance where their needs to be acceptance. Having this knowledge does insert you into some alternate reality. It's the same reality this whole time offering the same things to you as an ego. Embrace it in all its glory. 

I mostly do but recently I became utterly convinced that nobody else was real. I was talking to friends at work today yet I felt extremely alone and have this idea that anything I experience is basically trying to convince me that solipsism is false. I seem to be stuck in this loop.

[TheAvatarState]

@Shaun I would advise to not exceed 2 grams when in a depressed state. Mushrooms can be really intense, scary, and confusing in high doses, but at 2 grams it's basically guaranteed to be uplifting

[Shaun]

2 minutes ago, TheAvatarState said:

@Shaun I would advise to not exceed 2 grams when in a depressed state. Mushrooms can be really intense, scary, and confusing in high doses, but at 2 grams it's basically guaranteed to be uplifting

Absolutely, I wouldn't touch any psychedelic unless I was in a good frame of mind at the time. My mistake with DMT was that I was fearful as I was holding the pipe. I was lucky that the lighter broke and halved the dose as a result because had I taken the full amount I may be in a mental hospital now.

For the dosage, are you referring to the standard cubensis mushrooms?

[Jack Walter Leon]

@Shaun

You will never be able to prove that solipsism is true or false. You can only prove your own conscious experience that you have in this form as a human being. You have to decide if you want to worry about it all your life and eventually go insane or give yourself up to uncertainty and live in peace. All I can say is that I'm here consciously reading about your worries, but I guess that won't solve your issue. I've been constantly asking myself the same question but I've recently decided to no more worry about it because in the end it won't get you any further in your development. Stay strong. 

 

[Shaun]

2 minutes ago, Jack Walter Leon said:

@Shaun

You will never be able to prove that solipsism is true or false. You can only prove your own conscious experience that you have in this form as a human being. You have to decide if you want to worry about it all your life and eventually go insane or give yourself up to uncertainty and live in peace. All I can say is that I'm here consciously reading about your worries, but I guess that won't solve your issue. I've been constantly asking myself the same question but I've recently decided to no more worry about it because in the end it won't get you any further in your development. Stay strong. 

 

Very wise advice. During these episodes I know that there is nothing in the present moment that is harming me, there is just this intense emotion that I'm aware of but ego and chemical imbalances in a non existent brain does not care about facts.

[Shir]

@Shaun OMG! I thought I was the only one...I have almost finished listening to part 1 AND part 2 believe me when I say this - These are one of the MOST favorite type of videos I'm always excited to view, from Leo. However this time, among the fascination, excitement and beauty...I too feel a deep sadness.

I have always prided myself in being a spiritual person but something about what he shared has made me feel...so incredibly alone. I am confused, deeply. It doesn't help to already be suffering from depression and feeling THAT much more alone by feeling like...there really isn't anyone else, I guess? I don't even know how to feel about this because it's like listening to his words has left me with the notion of "who is experiencing this depression and this emotional pain right now? if it isn't me at all and it's source...that helps lift the pain somewhat but I feel empty and don't know what to think anymore".

I wish I knew what to say in order to make you feel better...but maybe sharing that I am also depressed by his words and that you're not alone, might make you feel a bit better.

I don't want to come across like EVERYTHING he mentioned made me feel sad or depressed but something in between the words may have triggered that for me, like yourself. For a while, I have been a very fond believer of Pantheism and although he has confirmed that's the case here as well (I was happy to hear) - there is sadly still something empty about it that saddens me somewhat. Like there's an emptiness and no purpose to everything even among the beauty and what have you...something is missing.

Edited February 14, 2019 by Shir

[Inliytened1]

Well think of this way guys - after you have "awoken" you become conscious of non-duality; of oneness.

 

So there is no one else BUT you...but then, there is also no where else to go but the "dream"...the "matrix" and/or whatever you wish to call it.

 

There is only this - content-concept on top of being.

So, most people who have awoken realize they need to go back into the dream, and "play" in the dream.  To do this, you're basically "pretending" that the dream is real, and therefore it actually is real.  So keep in mind that the only reason you are here is that God tricked himself into thinking that there is duality - so basically you are going back into the trick, but this time taking things much LESS seriously.  

It's like living the dream, literally.  So basically you can relax, take things really light and enjoy the dream - because as long as you are "playing along" it's real.  

You need to be able to flip between the dream and oneness at will - to jump between perspectives.

But most importantly you can keep oneness in the back of your mind at all times so that you can apply the wisdom to your "dualistic" life and vastly improve your life.

But moral of the story is life is what you make it - if you wanna make it dualistic, then it's dualistic!  Of course, those of us who are enlightened know that's not the essence of God, but its still a "part" of God in the sense that he/it thought up the concept and content.

I dunno, maybe I'm rambling.  But another way to look at it is to say, well, there is no way i can be inferior anymore because I'm too "short" or too "tall" or not good looking enough.  Because deep down there is only being and there is only you!    So Oneness should be a bigtime help for inferiority complexes!

[Maya_0]

@Shaun You should try MDMA.I find it is a forcefully positive experience that has a good chance of correcting the frame if mind you're in. 

 

Basically, it seems you got some real insight but it's incomplete. You see what you and every one is not, but you do not see what you and everyone and everything is. You see the emptiness but do not recognize the fullness.

Edited February 15, 2019 by Maya_0

[Terramoria]

@Inliytened1 Thank you so much for your words. I realized that the sadness and nihilism I was feeling after watching Leo's video were actually a product of my ego's attempt to make sense of this crazy experience we are in. Although the work is deep, it's all a matter of play. The game is not always exciting, but notheless it is still just a game aka not to be taken so damn seriously! Once again, thank you.

 

@Shaun You are not alone brother! I also found myself deeply confused and sad while contemplating Leo's statements. They sounded so true but they were also so "life threathening" . They were also coming from Leo's experience which we didn't necessarily have of our own. Too much truth in a short span of time can be overwhelming. 

[Leo Gura]

@Shaun This is a totally normal ego backlash which will soon pass.

The ego is incredibly strong and it will not allow you get rid of meaning so easily. If only it were so easy!

It is a fact that no meaning whatsoever exists. This fact is very threatening to your way of life and your survival program. Which is why you are reacting with all those emotions. Those emotions are designed to get you back on track with your survival agenda.

The fact that life is meaningless is itself meaningless, hence it is not bad or depressing.

In order to be depressed you must assign negative meaning to life. So ironically the reason you're feeling so bad is because you are trapped inside an illusory world of (negative) meaning.

The counter-intuitive move is to surrender all meaning. But ego is not gonna let that happen without a huge stink.

In a few days you will forget you ever watched that video and you will fall back asleep into your unconscious life, as though nothing ever happened. That's how sneaky the ego is. It will just sweep all this truth under the rug, out of your awareness.

What you should be really worried about is falling back asleep, not losing meaning.

[TheAvatarState]

5 hours ago, Shaun said:

Absolutely, I wouldn't touch any psychedelic unless I was in a good frame of mind at the time. My mistake with DMT was that I was fearful as I was holding the pipe. I was lucky that the lighter broke and halved the dose as a result because had I taken the full amount I may be in a mental hospital now.

For the dosage, are you referring to the standard cubensis mushrooms?

Yeah. I don't think there's any species where 2g would be overbearing and overly difficult, so it's a safe bet.  

[TheAvatarState]

2 hours ago, Maya_0 said:

 

@Shaun You should try MDMA.I find it is a forcefully positive experience that has a good chance of correcting the frame if mind you're in. 

 

Ooooo, I second this! Look up MAPS, an organization that uses MDMA as the most successful known treatment for PTSD patients. It's an extremely powerful tool to recontextualize prior traumatic experiences into the correct light. It has helped me immensely in my own life. I really hope you seek it out.  

[Joseph Maynor]

6 hours ago, Inliytened1 said:

Well think of this way guys - after you have "awoken" you become conscious of non-duality; of oneness.

 

So there is no one else BUT you...but then, there is also no where else to go but the "dream"...the "matrix" and/or whatever you wish to call it.

 

There is only this - content-concept on top of being.

So, most people who have awoken realize they need to go back into the dream, and "play" in the dream.  To do this, you're basically "pretending" that the dream is real, and therefore it actually is real.  So keep in mind that the only reason you are here is that God tricked himself into thinking that there is duality - so basically you are going back into the trick, but this time taking things much LESS seriously.  

It's like living the dream, literally.  So basically you can relax, take things really light and enjoy the dream - because as long as you are "playing along" it's real.  

You need to be able to flip between the dream and oneness at will - to jump between perspectives.

But most importantly you can keep oneness in the back of your mind at all times so that you can apply the wisdom to your "dualistic" life and vastly improve your life.

But moral of the story is life is what you make it - if you wanna make it dualistic, then it's dualistic!  Of course, those of us who are enlightened know that's not the essence of God, but its still a "part" of God in the sense that he/it thought up the concept and content.

I dunno, maybe I'm rambling.  But another way to look at it is to say, well, there is no way i can be inferior anymore because I'm too "short" or too "tall" or not good looking enough.  Because deep down there is only being and there is only you!    So Oneness should be a bigtime help for inferiority complexes!

What would happen to your Enlightenment Work if you stopped clinging to all these beliefs?

 

Edited February 15, 2019 by Joseph Maynor

[Shaun]

14 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Shaun This is a totally normal ego backlash which will soon pass.

The ego is incredibly strong and it will not allow you get rid of meaning so easily. If only it were so easy!

It is a fact that no meaning whatsoever exists. This fact is very threatening to your way of life and your survival program. Which is why you are reacting with all those emotions. Those emotions are designed to get you back on track with your survival agenda.

The fact that life is meaningless is itself meaningless, hence it is not bad or depressing.

In order to be depressed you must assign negative meaning to life. So ironically the reason you're feeling so bad is because you are trapped inside an illusory world of (negative) meaning.

The counter-intuitive move is to surrender all meaning. But ego is not gonna let that happen without a huge stink.

In a few days you will forget you ever watched that video and you will fall back asleep into your unconscious life, as though nothing ever happened. That's how sneaky the ego is. It will just sweep all this truth under the rug, out of your awareness.

What you should be really worried about is falling back asleep, not losing meaning.

Leo, thanks for your response. This ego backlash has been huge. Today I was actually feeling very upbeat but then the dark feelings returned but just not as intensely. I won't forget about the video for a long time and I will take my time and be present with these emotions. I am planning a high dose mushroom trip followed by a breakthrough DMT experience a few months later but only if my mindset is right. It may be possible that I am suffering from depression too and if mushrooms don't help that, do you think it would be a good idea just to go the mainstream route of antidepressants and therapy?