LordFall

Frustrated when girlfriend doesn't want sex

58 posts in this topic

@Emerald Sounds like you've never been with a guy who knows how to turn a girl on. Most guys suck at sex, so it's understandable.

But a guy who knows what he's doing can give you an amazing orgasm just through text messages, never mind in person.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Leo Gura Thats what happens when you dont release the videos about how to turn a girl on ?should we expect topic on this or forget about it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 23. 1. 2019 at 5:21 AM, Emerald said:

For me, sex as an experience has consistently been 1/3 mild pleasure, 1/3 chore, and 1/3 discomfort all bundled together.

1

@Emerald Eh, Emerald... maybe you are that way... but I doubt it. I'm sorry your husband expects you to have sex. When you take the freedom to explore, it should be possible to find pleasurable activities (admittedly, maybe it's not PIV) and increase body awareness to a point where you enjoy immensely. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think there are many things to take into consideration, some women take birth control pills and it’s the same as telling the body “I’m dead” cause the sexual energy/ creation force it’s present firstly for reproduction/creation and when you take pills you are not ovulating, my sex drive diminished 80% when I used to take. Women on birth control pills just don’t feel like having sex and are disconnected from their feminine side, so find out if your gf is taking it.

Also can be the men, most men are too worried about showing their masculinity in bed, so they give no fucks if the woman is enjoying the act or no, they are too much in their minds and lack connection, I call it mechanical sex, Americans (specially) treat sex as a shore, some of them even have exact day and time to have sex, that’s one of the reasons I don’t date American men, of course there are the exemptions but I’ve been living here for 4 years and have been having difficulty connecting with them, I’m from Brazil and Latina’s are known to have a high sex drive, so far I haven’t found compatible men.

There is sex and there is connection, at least for me, if I’m having sex with a man who is bad in bed, after cumming the first time, I lose interest and want to be done, while if I’m having sex with a man who knows what he is doing I’ll have many orgasms and still be interested after the first or second one, most men are only interested in the body and the act itself so they can’t keep our attention and we can’t wait for him to ejaculate and be done, that’s when women fake orgasm or suffer/have pain just to get away, it’s incredible the number of women who have never had good sex and think like Emerald, it’s very sad to hear that, I was abused in the past and it took me a long time (and effort) to change my views on sex, but specially for women, we are the darkness, the mysterious, the divine feminine, it’s so so important that we connect with ourselves first before giving of ourselves to someone else. 

so watch out if when you are having sex, are you really there? Are you trying to please her and enjoying the act? Or are you in your head? G


"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCqtX3EPGsnmWjK76m5Vpbw

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just one testimony here, but the sex in a relationship going down hill is not the experience I’ve had. Generally speaking, I’d consider communication / couples therapy if this is what is experienced. As soon as possible. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

@Emerald Eh, Emerald... maybe you are that way... but I doubt it. I'm sorry your husband expects you to have sex. When you take the freedom to explore, it should be possible to find pleasurable activities (admittedly, maybe it's not PIV) and increase body awareness to a point where you enjoy immensely. 

It's not like that between my husband and I because he doesn't pressure me to have sex. But because I know that he wants sex and has a relatively high sex drive, the incongruence makes me feel pressure regardless even when he's not pressuring me. I know he would probably have sex everyday if he could. And I would feel enough desire to genuinely want to have sex maybe once in every two or three months. 

So, I've been with my husband coming up on nine years, and I want him to feel satisfied with his sex life. So, I don't feel like it's a good idea to abstain for three months and essentially make that decision for him too simply because sex isn't all that exciting for me. So, I try to at least go for once per month... but mostly for him because sex is pretty boring and banal to me overall.

But I'm not shy toward sexual exploration. Funny enough, I do actually have a high sex drive as I can feel really deep desires toward sex. It's just that the reality pales in comparison to the fantasy of it, and over the years I've realized that (in terms solely related to my own pleasure) it's not worth the effort.

It's a bit like imagining eating a really good piece of chocolate cake and having a strong desire to eat it. But then, every time you go to actually eat chocolate cake, the taste and texture is that of wet crumpled up paper that's been soaked in cocoa powder and sugar and formed to look like chocolate cake. Then, you learn that the closest you can get to the satisfaction you crave is to imagine it, because the actual experience of thinking about eating the cake is better than actually eating the cake. So, thinking about sex is actually significantly more pleasurable than having it.

So, it's a bit of a dilemma. But I've done a ton of self-exploration relative to this topic, and nothing really ever changes. This has always been the way it's been. I've just gotten more honest with myself about it over the years and stopped striving for something that's seemingly just the way things are for me. 

 

 


Enrollment now open for my Shadow Work Group Class! Limited spots available. 

Click here to learn more!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Emerald Sounds like you've never been with a guy who knows how to turn a girl on. Most guys suck at sex, so it's understandable.

But a guy who knows what he's doing can give you an amazing orgasm just through text messages, never mind in person.

I honestly don't think it has to do much with the guys that I've been with. 

Both my ex-boyfriend (who I was with for four years) and my husband (who I've been with for almost 9 years), were/are very focused toward wanting me to have pleasure. So, I've never been long-term with a guy who was oblivious in that way. 

I think the issue is that no matter what they did/do, the physical experience of sex just isn't a very satisfying experience for me. What is satisfying is to actually have erotic emotions and thoughts... but the physicality feels like a distraction from that as opposed to something that flows with the experience. The peak of my experience is always the moment before anything starts, and then once it begins it's all downhill from there.

So, it sucks. But it doesn't suck because of some other person not doing something right.

 


Enrollment now open for my Shadow Work Group Class! Limited spots available. 

Click here to learn more!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
39 minutes ago, Emerald said:

It's not like that between my husband and I because he doesn't pressure me to have sex. But because I know that he wants sex and has a relatively high sex drive, the incongruence makes me feel pressure regardless even when he's not pressuring me. I know he would probably have sex everyday if he could. And I would feel enough desire to genuinely want to have sex maybe once in every two or three months. 

So, I've been with my husband coming up on nine years, and I want him to feel satisfied with his sex life. So, I don't feel like it's a good idea to abstain for three months and essentially make that decision for him too simply because sex isn't all that exciting for me. So, I try to at least go for once per month... but mostly for him because sex is pretty boring and banal to me overall.

But I'm not shy toward sexual exploration. Funny enough, I do actually have a high sex drive as I can feel really deep desires toward sex. It's just that the reality pales in comparison to the fantasy of it, and over the years I've realized that (in terms solely related to my own pleasure) it's not worth the effort.

It's a bit like imagining eating a really good piece of chocolate cake and having a strong desire to eat it. But then, every time you go to actually eat chocolate cake, the taste and texture is that of wet crumpled up paper that's been soaked in cocoa powder and sugar and formed to look like chocolate cake. Then, you learn that the closest you can get to the satisfaction you crave is to imagine it, because the actual experience of thinking about eating the cake is better than actually eating the cake. So, thinking about sex is actually significantly more pleasurable than having it.

So, it's a bit of a dilemma. But I've done a ton of self-exploration relative to this topic, and nothing really ever changes. This has always been the way it's been. I've just gotten more honest with myself about it over the years and stopped striving for something that's seemingly just the way things are for me. 

 

 

Oh my God. I thought that was only me? I have EXACTLY the same issue with my current boyfriend (we've been together for 7 years). 

I am sometimes wondering if its due to me or if we aren't that sexually compatible. Unfortunately, I was so young when we got together that I can't tell if it's just that I have a low sex drive or if he's too emotionally disabled to fulfill my need for connection during sex.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
34 minutes ago, Emerald said:

I honestly don't think it has to do much with the guys that I've been with. 

Both my ex-boyfriend (who I was with for four years) and my husband (who I've been with for almost 9 years), were/are very focused toward wanting me to have pleasure. So, I've never been long-term with a guy who was oblivious in that way. 

I think the issue is that no matter what they did/do, the physical experience of sex just isn't a very satisfying experience for me. What is satisfying is to actually have erotic emotions and thoughts... but the physicality feels like a distraction from that as opposed to something that flows with the experience. The peak of my experience is always the moment before anything starts, and then once it begins it's all downhill from there.

So, it sucks. But it doesn't suck because of some other person not doing something right.

 

Have you ever had a solid Green or a Yellow guy? I'd expect your husband to be in this territory? It's still not solving the issue is it?


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Have you ever had a solid Green or a Yellow guy? I'd expect your husband to be in this territory? It's still not solving the issue is it?

He's definitely Green with some Yellow, if I peg him anywhere. But, it doesn't really help. Yet again, he isn't the most romantic guy.

I tend to have some pessimistic ideas about the experience of sex for a woman. I don't know if they're true in general, but it's been true for me.

My pessimistic idea is that since the purpose of sex is toward reproduction it only requires the man to be satisfied sexually because it is the male orgasm that enables sperm to get to the egg and not female orgasm or sexual satisfaction.

But in a human species, where we have the capacity for high intellectual thinking and noticing things like unfairness, there also has to be a motivation to have sex for women. So, our mind spins this projection of a sexual scenario onto reality where it feels really good to engage with that fantasy projection... and it is the projection itself that beckons us into a sexual situation where there is no actual sexual fulfillment to be had. It just feels good to feel the feelings associated with the projection, and there is an illusion that making that projection real will intensify the feelings of the projection that we crave.

But then, when we actually get in the situation, the desire for the satisfaction promised by the projection doesn't get met. And this leaves us with a desire to seek it more (leading to more babies) and to avoid sex unless there is a really strong and emotionally alluring projection over the experience (nature's form of birth control and thus population control). 

But that's just my pessimistic idea about it, because that's been my experience. I don't know if all, most, some, or no other women are like this. 

Now, a romantic guy is really skilled at creating that illusion... That's what I think romance is.

But I still have my pessimistic doubts that that illusion (no matter how skillfully created) will ever actually translate to the sexual satisfaction that the illusion and the desire for the illusion seems to promise. 

 

Edited by Emerald

Enrollment now open for my Shadow Work Group Class! Limited spots available. 

Click here to learn more!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Emerald I really feel for you, but at the same time I can’t get a feel for if you want this to be “better”, or if you don’t.  If you do... Have you considered a less sexually pragmatic scientific approach, maybe you’re overthinking it? Have you had a thorough physical done with screenings? Have you had periods of months where you did an hour of meditation every morning - did that change anything with the projecting sex and or the physical sex? 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
56 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

or if he's too emotionally disabled to fulfill my need for connection during sex.

What have you tried? What’s worked what hasn’t? Have you explained this need to him? 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Nahm said:

@Emerald I really feel for you, but at the same time I can’t get a feel for if you want this to be “better”, or if you don’t.  If you do... Have you considered a less sexually pragmatic scientific approach, maybe you’re overthinking it? Have you had a thorough physical done with screenings? Have you had periods of months where you did an hour of meditation every morning - did that change anything with the projecting sex and or the physical sex? 

It is frustrating to me, so I would like it not to be this way. 

But to be clear, I don't have an issue reaching orgasm. I can't do it through sex because sex doesn't stimulate me enough to achieve orgasm. But I can experience pleasure, and I can climax in other ways. 

But this is not really the issue. The issue is more-so that when I experience sexual feelings it feels better if I just take time to feel them on my own without even engaging with physicality and definitely not trying to orgasm. I am most sexually fulfilled when imagining a sexual scenario and being able to experience the erotic emotions that come with the fantasy.

But once it becomes physical, it loses like 85% of its charm. And I end up feeling less sexually satisfied by doing more work once sex becomes real, regardless of the pleasure I feel (which itself is usually pretty mild). And oddly enough, I prefer the mild pleasure to orgasm as well.

So, it's just a lot of mixed messages and a promise of sexual fulfillment that has never panned out.


Enrollment now open for my Shadow Work Group Class! Limited spots available. 

Click here to learn more!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Emerald said:

He's definitely Green with some Yellow, if I peg him anywhere. But, it doesn't really help. Yet again, he isn't the most romantic guy.

Right. I am asking this because I recently developed a crush on a friend who is solid Green with some Yellow. Obviously, I am not systematically attracted by Green guys, even far from it,  but I think the attraction is due to the fact that I can both intellectually and emotionally relate to him each time he expresses himself. He is so progressive and kind...

So, it gives me hope that if we'd have sex, we'd be both able to see each other and he'd be able to me as a real subject and not only through whatever projection his mind cast on me while making it.

If I dig well in my experience, in the end, the sex has been most of my life a somewhat disappointing experience because I truly want a man to see me and not the facade I am putting on. I'd like from a man to allow me to be authentic, so my ego doesn't need a barrier of protection and resistance that I systematically put on. But for this, the guy needs to be particularly good a deciphering me.

Forcing yourself to give sex because you can't leave your man sexless for too long, seems to only contribute to the experience being increasingly fake. A real catch 22.

1 hour ago, Emerald said:

I tend to have some pessimistic ideas about the experience of sex for a woman. I don't know if they're true in general, but it's been true for me.

My pessimistic idea is that since the purpose of sex is toward reproduction it only requires the man to be satisfied sexually because it is the male orgasm that enables sperm to get to the egg and not female orgasm or sexual satisfaction.

But in a human species, where we have the capacity for high intellectual thinking and noticing things like unfairness, there also has to be a motivation to have sex for women. So, our mind spins this projection of a sexual scenario onto reality where it feels really good to engage with that fantasy projection... and it is the projection itself that beckons us into a sexual situation where there is no actual sexual fulfillment to be had. It just feels good to feel the feelings associated with the projection, and there is an illusion that making that projection real will intensify the feelings of the projection that we crave.

But then, when we actually get in the situation, the desire for the satisfaction promised by the projection doesn't get met. And this leaves us with a desire to seek it more (leading to more babies) and to avoid sex unless there is a really strong and emotionally alluring projection over the experience (nature's form of birth control and thus population control). 

But that's just my pessimistic idea about it, because that's been my experience. I don't know if all, most, some, or no other women are like this. 

 

Interesting and sound theory, even If I'm pretty certain that female orgasm and sexual pleasure through lubrification and uterus contraction increases the chances of pregnancies as well.  As per the rest, I don't have the personal experience to back it up though.

I'm wondering whether spiritual sexual practices which allows for a transcendental dimension couldn't hijack mind made patterns?

1 hour ago, Emerald said:

Now, a romantic guy is really skilled at creating that illusion... That's what I think romance is.

But I still have my pessimistic doubts that that illusion (no matter how skillfully created) will ever actually translate to the sexual satisfaction that the illusion and the desire for the illusion seems to promise. 

 

Romance is only a temporary state. It's in the best case two ego which perceive one another as the the remedy for each others pain. As you say its an illusion, powered by desire, which like all illusions of this world eventually wears off.

 

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
44 minutes ago, Nahm said:

What have you tried? What’s worked what hasn’t? Have you explained this need to him? 

My boyfriend has been consuming porn for long enough to overly objectify sexuality. I had a few traumatic experiences in my late teens early 20s which makes me particularly sensitive to the fact that I need to trust that the guy is careful about my well being and won't make me feel uncomfortable.

Its a bad combination.

Yes, I have. He's also aware of the problem. I think that he needs first of all to deal with a few stade Orange issues. The problem is that I don't trust him because I know his sexuality is too materialistic and shallow for me. 

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Etherial Cat Is his watching porn why you don’t express / let go of the past influencing on the present? Or maybe am I missing that he was part of the trauma....? Or is he not trust worthy / doesn’t care about your well being / makes you feel uncomfortable?


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Etherial Cat Is his watching porn why you don’t express / let go of the past influencing on the present? Or maybe am I missing that he was part of the trauma....?

In a nutshell, his sexuality has a materialistic undertone that isn't suiting me.The sex can be good despite that sometimes, but I feel like I need something else which he can't provide because he doesn't have it for himself yet. -_-

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Emerald said:

I tend to have some pessimistic ideas about the experience of sex for a woman. I don't know if they're true in general, but it's been true for me.

 

Certainly not true in general. Damn, sure, the brain is the woman's most powerful sexual organ, but the physicality helps a lot. When in the right mindset with the right partner (sometimes even with a not-so-right partner, lol O:)), touch is awesome. 

I wonder, Emerald, if you could work more with your fantasies in bed. This... 

39 minutes ago, Emerald said:

I am most sexually fulfilled when imagining a sexual scenario and being able to experience the erotic emotions that come with the fantasy.

But once it becomes physical, it loses like 85% of its charm.

 

... sounds almost like you have a learned trigger. Like you can be in your pleasurable fantasy, but then, once touch occurs, your mindset changes too, like it's time to snap out of the fantasy and do the chore. 

Question is, could you incorporate the physical sensation to enhance the fantasy instead? 

9 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

I'm wondering whether spiritual sexual practices which allows for a transcendental dimension couldn't hijack mind made patterns?

1

By all means, try! :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now