LordFall

Frustrated when girlfriend doesn't want sex

58 posts in this topic

8 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Etherial Cat What is that something?

 

Emotional abilities which would match my own ones. I'd like to be able to communicate on it.  This would allows to be able to understand and relate to each others experience much better.

The state of things so far seems like I can see him, but he can't see me.

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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@Etherial Cat Do you guys take time to communicate, and if so what prevents the continuation of it through to some resolution (which could then naturally result in great sex).

Also, what would he say about you, about this?


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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@Etherial Cat I understand what you are saying, I also had a rough past and needed to go deep within myself to understand how sex works and what sex really is and isn't, and personally I've only had "real sex" 3 years ago, I'm 28 now so you ask me what was my sex life in those past years...

my view was exactly how Emerald described and I had problems with controlling in bed, I still do specially if I don't know the other person very well or if my partner is on top, and so far I've had many partners, the ones I had crazy amazing sex are the ones more evolved spiritually, the open minded ones (and with openmindness I'm not saying naughtiness), if the men sees sex as a shallow thing, if he is only thinking with his dick, and it's just using sex for pure pleasure and not as a form of connection, we will for sure feel that, and it doesn't matter how deep you know yourself, if that person has a certain mindset the sex will be shallow for both, or not pleasurable,it's a dance, it takes two of them to open up and merge into each other and have "the little death", if one person is closed, it doesn't matter what the other does.

I questioned myself a lot if sex was only to feed our primitive side/ just for reproduction, and my answer is no, the quality level of the sex is gonna depend of the level of consciousness of both parts, I've had partners who I dated for a couple months who only saw sex as a material thing, just to feed the body and had meh sex and I've had sex with people I met in meditation/spiritual places and barely knew but had amazing sex, you can say it's all the attraction of the beginning phase but from my experience it's not and I'm very experienced, I'm not bragging I'm actually proud of myself for being able to get out of the abusive relationship I was in and explore my sexual side and for being so open about the subject too.

I had one partner that in one of our first dates he sat in front of me, without saying anything, we just sat on the ground in front of each other and looked each other in the eyes for a long period of time, without saying anything, it was one of the best sexual experiences I've had, of course we had sex afterwards but what I want to say is every person has a depth, how far they have been within themselves, when you look your partner in the eyes you can see their depth, like Shakespeare said the eyes are the windows to the soul, you can see the level of the men by where he is looking at when he is having sex, of course we all appreciate beauty, I also look at their bodies and understand men are very visual, but come on you have another human being in front of you, sometimes I have sex and they are not capable of looking me in the eyes, I ask myself where are their minds at? they are unconscious, they are not really there, and that's what I call mechanical sex haha

I just think it's very sad you guys have this opinion towards sex, you see if we think sex is a mechanical thing, just to feed the body and just for reproduction, then we are the ones seeing it as a shallow thing, I'm a very sexual person but I'm also romantic so here is an Osho quote on sex :x 

"That's why orgasm is becoming more and more difficult. Ejaculation is not orgasm, to give birth to children is not orgasmic. Orgasm is the involvement of the total body: mind, body, soul, all together. You vibrate, your whole being vibrates, from the toes to the head. You are no longer in control; existence has taken possession of you and you don't know who you are. It is like a madness, it is like a sleep, it is like meditation, it is like death."

"I have said that man is afraid of both sex and death. That's why they are taboos. No one talks about sex and no one talks about death. We remain silent about those two things. We have remained silent for centuries and centuries. They are taboo subjects, they should not even be mentioned. The moment they are mentioned, something starts trembling within us.

"It seems that there is a deep repression. That's why we have created substitute words. In the western world they do not say 'We are having sex.' They say 'We are making love.' It's a substitute word – and false, because love is a totally different dimension. Having sex is having sex, it is not making love. Love may include sex, but love has an altogether different quality.

"We never talk directly about death. If someone dies, we use substitute words. We say he has gone to the Father, or he has gone to heaven. Death is never faced directly.

"We have created many false phenomena around death and sex. If two people are going to be married, sex is not even mentioned – and they are going to be married for sex! We have created a great illusion around marriage, but the bare, naked fact is sex. We have created a ritual, a great ritual of marriage, just to hide the fact. Why?

"Why is there a taboo about only these two things? They are deeply related. The reason for their relationship is this: first, you are born out of sex, birth is sex. And birth and death are two poles of one thing. In birth, death is hidden. That's why man became aware of the deep relationship between sex and death. Death cannot happen without sex, just as birth cannot happen without sex."

 


"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCqtX3EPGsnmWjK76m5Vpbw

 

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On 23.1.2019 at 1:43 AM, LordFall said:

@universe Thank you, that sounds very accurate. Every time she does I feel like I'm not enough and I'm not attracting her and I need to go to the gym, be more of a man, etc. 

A lot of Leo's videos touch on this but do you have one in particular or stuff I can look up to reflect on this further? 

Yeah he has a whole range of videos targeting this issue. It ultimately boils down to accepting, letting go and being grateful.

I would also recommend the Sedona Method for releasing negative energy in your body. Im sure youll find something on google or maybe even a mental coach who can help you with this.

One video that comes to mind is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYZmK46--Mc

When she doesnt want to have sex, dont go into a mental train about how bad this situation is. Instead Id recommend these thoughts: "Great, now we can have more time for meaningful communication and getting to know each other" or "Cool now I can take a nap and get up in the morning feeling energized and fresh". Whatever, just appreciate that you now have time to do even cooler stuff than having sex. Work on your life purpose or whatever you like.

 

@MsNobody

Great read! What would you say does it mean when a girl doesnt look me in the eyes during sex? Haha.

 

Edited by universe

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4 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

@MsNobody @Etherial Cat @Emerald @LordFall 

You guys should all try this out with your partners. 

It looks awkward and unnatural in the video but it's very simple and effective in practice.

I highly recommend it.

 

Uuu, nice catch of a video :) 

I'd add that arousal/orgasm is not exactly a goal of this practice. It is meditation. 

I've done this in a (perhaps slightly less threatening) way, where the man doesn't touch the clit directly, instead he slowly circles with his finger around the inner labia, touching the whole outer genital area. It is a beautiful experience and it does have the potential to heighten sensitivity. 

You can also reverse gender roles (though I'm not sure about the exact instruction for the touch), preferably not right away, it should be a nice experience for men too. 

Of course, what you need is both people to be willing and able to stay in meditation. 

Edited by Elisabeth

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@Emerald sounds like you're more of a "turquoise" on this matter. The problem isn't sex, the act itself. It is just a means. You mustn't focus on the body, but on the soul, on the "unknown" of the other. Your should let yourself sink in your emotions and let them guide you. Body is on the secondary plane. If you focus on it you get distracted, you're not seeing your partner, the other. You are focused on the material. The body will die in the end, it is just an appearance. What you crave is the other, the unknown. The touch of the other, but not the physical sensation, but the intention of the other, the inner of the other.

It's like meditation. Once you focus on the body, you distance yourself from your partner. But you must focus on his soul. You must discover what that means.

Do not get complacent. If you feel something isn't right, if your intuition says "not right", then it is not right. You must change something. the way you're looking at things, the way you're "touching" them etc.

If you're doing meditation, "consciousness" work, then nothing will stay the same. You must accept change. Accept a new way of being.

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@NoSelfSelf hes got videos and book list recommendations...and you have a source of infinite info on your fingertips


Enter their minds, and you’ll find the judges you’re so afraid of – and how judiciously they judge themselves.

- Marcus Aurelius

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Turn the tables on her dude and let her come to you. You may come across as more desirable that way. Of course, try not to fake it. Get into the mindset that sex is just sex and don't think about it so much. Meditation should help with this. 

Edited by Wisebaxter

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On 26/01/2019 at 2:09 AM, Nahm said:

@Etherial Cat Do you guys take time to communicate, and if so what prevents the continuation of it through to some resolution (which could then naturally result in great sex).

Also, what would he say about you, about this?

Yes, of course we've taken some time to discuss this point. Implementing a change which is rooted in how someone built himself over decades is not going away in a heartbeat. But overall, the situation is not that bad. The sex is sometimes good, but sometimes its not.  Let's say that I am complaining that I'm longing for something different, more aware and conscious.

On 26/01/2019 at 3:03 AM, MsNobody said:

@Etherial Cat I understand what you are saying, I also had a rough past and needed to go deep within myself to understand how sex works and what sex really is and isn't, and personally I've only had "real sex" 3 years ago, I'm 28 now so you ask me what was my sex life in those past years...

my view was exactly how Emerald described and I had problems with controlling in bed, I still do specially if I don't know the other person very well or if my partner is on top, and so far I've had many partners, the ones I had crazy amazing sex are the ones more evolved spiritually, the open minded ones (and with openmindness I'm not saying naughtiness), if the men sees sex as a shallow thing, if he is only thinking with his dick, and it's just using sex for pure pleasure and not as a form of connection, we will for sure feel that, and it doesn't matter how deep you know yourself, if that person has a certain mindset the sex will be shallow for both, or not pleasurable,it's a dance, it takes two of them to open up and merge into each other and have "the little death", if one person is closed, it doesn't matter what the other does.

 

So we're the same age :) ! At least for a few more days, I'm turning 29 in two weeks :ph34r:

Exactly, that's what I suspect. You've put my thoughts into words.  There is no rocket science here, sex is again seen most of the time through a materialistic paradigm in our society, when making love properly is a true spiritual experience which should result in a form of alignment with one another.  You can make it good already through pure body rubbing mechanics, but it gets divine when two conscious beings get together! Sex is the ultimate mystic experience in duality. Very powerful! 

On 26/01/2019 at 3:03 AM, MsNobody said:

I had one partner that in one of our first dates he sat in front of me, without saying anything, we just sat on the ground in front of each other and looked each other in the eyes for a long period of time, without saying anything, it was one of the best sexual experiences I've had, of course we had sex afterwards but what I want to say is every person has a depth, how far they have been within themselves, when you look your partner in the eyes you can see their depth, like Shakespeare said the eyes are the windows to the soul, you can see the level of the men by where he is looking at when he is having sex, of course we all appreciate beauty, I also look at their bodies and understand men are very visual, but come on you have another human being in front of you, sometimes I have sex and they are not capable of looking me in the eyes, I ask myself where are their minds at? they are unconscious, they are not really there, and that's what I call mechanical sex haha

I just think it's very sad you guys have this opinion towards sex, you see if we think sex is a mechanical thing, just to feed the body and just for reproduction, then we are the ones seeing it as a shallow thing, I'm a very sexual person but I'm also romantic so here is an Osho quote on sex :x 

Absolutely. In a nutshell, I'm not certain if someone who's having the seeking bone can feel like sexually at its best when his partner remains deeply unconscious and never had even the chance to dissociate from its mind. xD

 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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@Emerald This may sound a bit crass, but do you also feel indifferent to a guy going down on you, like the pleasure really isn't that great? Most girls I know get much more of a kick out of this than the sex itself. Sometimes if a guy refuses to do this at all, does it half heartedly or without skill, this can be a huge factor when it comes to actual penetration. 

Edited by Wisebaxter

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1 hour ago, Etherial Cat said:

Yes, of course we've taken some time to discuss this point. Implementing a change which is rooted in how someone built himself over decades is not going away in a heartbeat. But overall, the situation is not that bad. The sex is sometimes good, but sometimes its not.  Let's say that I am complaining that I'm longing for something different, more aware and conscious.

When you say “this point”, is that point the sex, or the “more aware and conscious”? 

What would he say about you, about this?

 

“Implementing a change which is rooted in how someone built himself over decades is not going away in a heartbeat.”

Well...that sort of implies that the relationship won’t be “better” until decades are undone. But really, happiness is what is wanted, and the thinking is that it will be here after the change is complete. But I find that’s not really the case. An analogy that comes to mind....

Imagine you’re you and him are in the car on your way to pick up groceries. Then imagine you guys are on your way to Disneyworld. Same people in the same car, same car ride, yet, where you’re headed makes all the difference in terms of how you feel. I find a relationship to be like this, as far as happiness. So, if you guys can talk about awareness / consciousness, without anger or even if you can continue to communicate in spite of / after the anger subsides, then maybe  there is a place reached where big changes haven’t transpired yet, but you’re both happy because of where you’re going together now, which in this analogy I’m realizing is the Disneyworld of sex. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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30 minutes ago, Nahm said:

When you say “this point”, is that point the sex, or the “more aware and conscious”? 

What would he say about you, about this?

Yes, the point is the sex. 

Basically, he used to put the blame on me, until recently. To him, I wasn't normal, and he'd compare me to some of his previous experiences.  He had no issue to get himself Orange girls back in his early 20s, hence a matching sexuality. These were less bothered than me by his somewhat lack of emotional abilities.

What he says about me has changed over time. As he's getting more aware, he surely does realize that he's not entirely good at emotions. But he's getting more and more empathetic and is able to question how he used to treat and deal with girls in bed and life.

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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@Etherial Cat What if the sex was the product of the communication? What if the point was the communication, and you guys were self discovering together? Venturing into awareness and consciousness individually of course, together? I’m just suggesting that leads to the greatest sex ever. 

This is why it’s so important to shine the awareness on what he would say about you. Not important to say here or to me, just very important for you. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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15 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Etherial Cat What if the sex was the product of the communication? What if the point was the communication, and you guys were self discovering together? Venturing into awareness and consciousness individually of course, together? I’m just suggesting that leads to the greatest sex ever. 

This is why it’s so important to shine the awareness on what he would say about you. Not important to say here or to me, just very important for you. 

No, the communication is just a medium. The problem is rooted in our different level of awareness. We've been together for almost a decade, so we know each other fairly well in the common sense of things. My boyfriend is Orange/Green, but still fairly Orange. I on the other hand, despite for the fact that I am full of shit in many way, have been putting hundreds of hours if not thousands in spirituality and self-actualization, so I'm fairly well over that.

Being aware or conscious is not his cup of tea. I let him take the time he needs. He didn't sign up for a boddhisatva girlfriend initially and is not ready for a deeper understanding of things yet...


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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@Etherial Cat

In communication, we are only capable of being 100% full of shit. There is no exception. 

He can’t drop your shell, you can’t drop his. But when you drop yours, and he drops his, that is “without armor”, or “actual nakedness” (vulnerability), thus allowing actual sex (intimacy). Pretty sure that’s the satisfaction you desire.           Your shell is ‘what he needs to do’, his shell is ‘what she needs to do’ ( “to accommodate me” ). The shells are based on, and were put on , in the past, sometimes unknowingly and therefore, not by choice. But make no mistake, the shells are kept on by choice. They are dropped by choice too. 

You and he are in the car. That is what is. Where you are going is what sets the mood. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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