halleluja, Leo was right all along. A farewell letter to Actuallized

[emil1234]

A new life for me starts today. And I want to thank you Leo, of all of my heart, the absolute deepest gratittude for guiding me to this realization of my true nature. 

I will be blond with you; I dont FEEL a lot of love through neither your videos nor your comments on the forum. But Love has many facets; and I have no doubts in my heart that your work is created from a place of Love.  your work is a maze leading to the Ultimate Love.

With this realization, I knew that I had no choice but to start my life completely over. My life begins today. "True life begins for you Today" I remember you saying in one of your videos. 

This means that im getting rid of stuff that no longer alligns with my purpose and Love. And I no longer have need for actuallized.org, and Ive spend way too much time on these forums, trying to FIND the answer through other peoples experiences. But now I found it myself. The absolute truth. i no longer have doubts in my heart, and the truth is Gooder than i could possibly imagine, with zero downsides <3

I will now share my experience of realizing Absolute Love and my own true nature, because this is an experience that LONGS to be shared. And yet it cant be. But i will try

I sat in ayahuasca experience in the most beautiful environment and community imaginable. 

My intention for the journey was actually not to discover my true Nature, but to heal some of my trauma and bodily wounds. Among other things, I longed to rediscover my lost masculinty.

Ayhuasca wanted to take me into an ego death. This is where I stood my ground and said. NO. My intention is to stay in my body and heal my wounds. This was excactly what the mother ayahuasca wanted me to do; to stand up to her, and in doing so find my masculinity. I was a MAN. I had my own space that no one could invade. I was in charge and I decided excactly what happened. 

So I decided that I wanted to let ayahuasca heal my body and my wounds. Among other things, I had some deep removals of wrong ideas about God and the universe, Ideas and insights that I had from previous trips, that I feared to be true. such as the Universe actually being infinite hate, being stuck in existence, forced to existence against my will. these were revealed to all be false, absolutley. 

But then i realized that I could keep healing my wounds forever, and no matter how many I removed, would never be fully satisfied. Healing didnt satisfy me.

This was after roughly 6 hours of SUPER INTENSE, ROUGH healing. 

And then my masculinity stepped up and said NO MORE. I dont want to do this shit anymore. 

And then I realized it; its so fucking ridicolusly obvious. I dont need to heal shit, when I can literally just choose to LOVE ALL of my wounds. 

I had wondered excactly why the theme of Love had seemed so important throughout the entire experience. Like what is so special about Love?

So then, I started exploring Love. Ayahuasca took me through different tough scenarios of my life, and asked me; Can you love this? Can you love this?

She brought me into my state of social anxiety; Can you love this? "Sure,no problem. Easy!"

She brought me my state of meaninglessness and hopelessness;" Can you love this?" EASY!

"What about being afraid then?" Yea I can love that! Haha.

"What about loving WHILE you are afraid"? EASY!

"okay, lets see. Can you love your mothers death"? This appeared tough at first. But then five seconds later I could not help but love it.

"What about universal infinite hate then"? Oh shit. FUCK YEA I CAN LOVE THAT LOL HAHA.

"OKAY THEN! Hear this one out then. CAN YOU LOVE THE ABSENCE OF LOVE?!" I was like fuck. BUT THEN I FUCKING LOVED THE ABSENCE OF LOVE. HAHAHAHAHAHAH.  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? BUT IT IS! HAHA!!!

I instantly knew that philosophical implications of this. If I can literally love the absence of love; Then there is nothing which can not be loved.

So then..... I started to Love. Consciousness itself. 

And this is the experience which cannot be shared. But since I know you guys are a bunch of philosophical junkies, I will give you the juice anyways. And I actually had an insight that you, Leo, have not talked about.

I want to state that I have previously had experiences that SEEMED SO TRUE. But I have never had an experience that was absolutley true, meaning that there is no way in any circumstances throughout all of eternity that it could be false. The absolute truth that you talked about, leo. my guru! Hehe <3 i love you <3

I used to care what spiritual traditions, meditation masters, said about awakening. Buddhism. Sadhguru. I dont care if jesus himself came down and told me the truth was a different one; I know this truth for myself now. And that is the most precious gift one can obtain.

what it required was the total acceptance of all of my deepest fears! 
Thats literally what happened. I was put through the test of Loving all of my absolutley deepest fears, which are the ones I described in the above. 

When you are able to do that, you are able to love absolutley everything. And then my Love fixed upon my consciousness. And thats when it happened 

This is where I understood the role of Love, and why it was so important. Consciousness is absolute Love I AM Absolute Love. The Nothingness behind your eyes; That is Love in its absolute purest form. Its eternal and unchanging infinite Love. (Now manifest Love works on a dynamic scale, which range anywhere between 1-infinity.)

But Nothingness, DEEP SLEEP. That is Love, and also Consciousness in its purest form. But it is not self aware without reflection, which is our manifest world. Its so funny that I was the one who had to realize this for myself, because the question of Deep sleep has been one of my major doubts in awakening, and I have not seen anyone else posting about this. Its been the only thing that had me doubting Awakening, absolute truth and consciousness. And I was the only one who could realize it! I was the missing piece 

So you might ask; How can we know the nature of something that is unknowable, such as deep sleep?

The answer is; because it is Love, and we can be aware of it through its self reflections, manifestations. Its its nature can be known through its manifestations, because it is the excact same thing; Love. Love cannot limit itself to absolute nothingness, Deep sleep, because the nature of Love is an eternal outflow of abundance, joy, goodness, creativity. Infinity.

So unmanifest eternal unchanging Love, the absolute rockbottom of existence, springs into manifest existence eternally.

Its eternally joyful, Good, Loving. It has zero downsides. It is Pure! Goodness! We are so Good. Forever! There cannot possibly ever exist anything bad! Love is ALL! Hhahahahah! 

Why does this Love exist in the first place? Because it is Love. It is too good to not exist. it is simply just an absolute Miracle. thats all it is. A miracle. an actual miracle. a miracle.miracle.miracle.

 

this realization of my true nature was better than i could ever possibly imagine, and i had major expectations, listening to your videos for years, leo hahahah.

You could rest in this love eternally without doing anything and be satisfied. But why not experience at the same time? Why not Love objects, things, humans, movies. WHY NOT. THATS THE NATURE OF LOVE. IT IS INFINITELY GOOD!

Ever since the experience, I've been getting this slight whisper in my ear "Hey! Psst! Remember to love" And then I just love

So yea. After this experience I instantly knew that I would be changing my entire life. So im getting rid of stuff that I no longer need, in order to make room to maximize my Love for life.

 

My absolute deepest grattitude to you Leo. Maybe I will come back in the future, who knows! I will still be checking your videos I think! But I will be leaving the forum <3

to all the people on the forum; Thank you so much for your guidance and advices. I could not had done it without you. The actuallized community has been my major, and basically only hub towards Realization.

A special thanks to:
@Breakingthewall

@Razard86

@Water by the River (I know you might disagree with me. But then you are wrong! Hehe <3 )

@Davino

@Leo Gura (I also wanted to include you in the tags for sentimental value <3 ) 

I love you all so much. Im so filled with gratittude. A heart felt; Thank you.

I will be checking comments on this post for the coming days, and then Im off, finally living the Goodness that I am.

Peace and infinite love. 

 

 

Edited 8 hours ago by emil1234

[MellowEd]

Can you love the Devil?

[emil1234]

@MellowEd there is absolutley nothing that cannot be loved. love is all that exists!

[Jowblob]

Let's not forget and give praise to Leo Gura for how many people he also saved, only true consciousness raise can save people from themselves, including wars, other people, bad descisions, bad influence, people/goverment trying to control you and send you to war etc.

 

@emil1234

My first psychedelic experience was also ayahuasca, the thing i like about ayahuasca is that it's so conscious and just works on you and brings things up that are deep within you and you need to consider. Everything is love and can be loved, but what about the ups and downs that foreverness or eternity brings can you love your "lows/downs" or "pain" forever? Don't think so, because you're stuck with yourself forever.

[MellowEd]

5 minutes ago, emil1234 said:

@MellowEd there is absolutley nothing that cannot be loved. love is all that exists!

Try to love the Devil and he will twist your love in some deceptive way, causing you harm. Your love won't budge his evil. He is intelligent. Look at the world it's a big ripple effect after the pyramids. Few manage to escape.. bondage and slavery. 

I hate the Devil and will torture him one day. God told me. I love to torture : )

[Ishanga]

14 minutes ago, emil1234 said:

A new life for me starts today. And I want to thank you Leo, of all of my heart, the absolute deepest gratittude for guiding me to this realization of my true nature. 

I will be blond with you; I dont FEEL a lot of love through neither your videos nor your comments on the forum. But Love has many facets; and I have no doubts in my heart that your work is created from a place of Love.  your work is a maze leading to the Ultimate Love.

With this realization, I knew that I had no choice but to start my life completely over. My life begins today. "True life begins for you Today" I remember you saying in one of your videos. 

This means that im getting rid of stuff that no longer alligns with my purpose and Love. And I no longer have need for actuallized.org, and Ive spend way too much time on these forums, trying to FIND the answer through other peoples experiences. But now I found it myself. The absolute truth. i no longer have doubts in my heart, and the truth is Gooder than i could possibly imagine, with zero downsides <3

I will now share my experience of realizing Absolute Love and my own true nature, because this is an experience that LONGS to be shared. And yet it cant be. But i will try

I sat in ayahuasca experience in the most beautiful environment and community imaginable. 

My intention for the journey was actually not to discover my true Nature, but to heal some of my trauma and bodily wounds. Among other things, I longed to rediscover my lost masculinty.

Ayhuasca wanted to take me into an ego death. This is where I stood my ground and said. NO. My intention is to stay in my body and heal my wounds. This was excactly what the mother ayahuasca wanted me to do; to stand up to her, and in doing so find my masculinity. I was a MAN. I had my own space that no one could invade. I was in charge and I decided excactly what happened. 

So I decided that I wanted to let ayahuasca heal my body and my wounds. Among other things, I had some deep removals of wrong ideas about God and the universe, Ideas and insights that I had from previous trips, that I feared to be true. One of which was that the Universe was actaully infinite Hate.

But then i realized that I could keep healing my wounds forever, and no matter how many I removed, would never be fully satisfied. Healing didnt satisfy me.

This was after roughly 6 hours of SUPER INTENSE, ROUGH healing. 

And then my masculinity stepped up and said NO MORE. I dont want to do this shit anymore. 

And then I realized it; its so fucking ridicolusly obvious. I dont need to heal shit, when I can literally just choose to LOVE ALL of my wounds. 

I had wondered excactly why the theme of Love had seemed so important throughout the entire experience. Like what is so special about Love?

So then, I started exploring Love. Ayahuasca took me through different tough scenarios of my life, and asked me; Can you love this? Can you love this?

She brought me into my state of social anxiety; Can you love this? "Sure,no problem. Easy!"

She brought me my state of meaninglessness and hopelessness;" Can you love this?" EASY!

"What about being afraid then?" Yea I can love that! Haha.

"What about loving WHILE you are afraid"? EASY!

"okay, lets see. Can you love your mothers death"? This appeared tough at first. But then five seconds later I could not help but love it.

"What about universal infinite hate then"? Oh shit. FUCK YEA I CAN LOVE THAT LOL HAHA.

"OKAY THEN! Hear this one out then. CAN YOU LOVE THE ABSENCE OF LOVE?!" I was like fuck. BUT THEN I FUCKING LOVED THE ABSENCE OF LOVE. HAHAHAHAHAHAH.  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? BUT IT IS! HAHA!!!

I instantly knew that philosophical implications of this. If I can literally love the absence of love; Then there is nothing which can not be loved.

So then..... I started to Love. Consciousness itself. 

And this is the experience which cannot be shared. But since I know you guys are a bunch of philosophical junkies, I will give you the juice anyways. And I actually had an insight that you, Leo, have not talked about.

I want to state that I have previously had experiences that SEEMED SO TRUE. But I have never had an experience that was absolutley true, meaning that there is no way in any circumstances throughout all of eternity that it could be false. The absolute truth that you talked about, leo. my guru! Hehe <3 i love you <3

I used to care what spiritual traditions, meditation masters, said about awakening. Buddhism. Sadhguru. I dont care if jesus himself came down and told me the truth was a different one; I know this truth for myself now. And that is the most precious gift one can obtain.

 

Why should we care about what You wrote? Why would you say this, then write a long post about what YOU think Awakening is, lol, why listen to You? If You don't care about that, then why share?

When Your in touch with Truth, Absolute or whatever, You feel Bliss/Love, this doesn't mean that is what it is, its just that You touched it and that is the feeling when You do that.. Absolute can be anything, another person takes a drug, and feel completely different, why listen to You rather than them?

Best not to make claims, just enjoy the experience, Your In Bliss, that is Good and that is All!!!

[emil1234]

@Jowblob easy. i just loved it. haha

[emil1234]

2 minutes ago, Ishanga said:

Why should we care about what You wrote? Why would you say this, then write a long post about what YOU think Awakening is, lol, why listen to You? If You don't care about that, then why share?

When Your in touch with Truth, Absolute or whatever, You feel Bliss/Love, this doesn't mean that is what it is, its just that You touched it and that is the feeling when You do that.. Absolute can be anything, another person takes a drug, and feel completely different, why listen to You rather than them?

 

thanks for the negative comment. nerd lol.

[MellowEd]

27 minutes ago, emil1234 said:

I will be blond with you; I dont FEEL a lot of love through neither your videos nor your comments on the forum. But Love has many facets; and I have no doubts in my heart that your work is created from a place of Love.  your work is a maze leading to the Ultimate Love. 

Yeah i get you. Speaking as a former Spartan. Leo pecks alot.

Edited 20 hours ago by MellowEd

[Eskilon]

@emil1234 Hey man, beautiful post! Cant really imagine how you are feeling right now -- it must be pure greatness. I have a couple questions if you don't mind haha:

I am curious, from what I understand and from my own experience also, I never had a breaktrough like this on Aya. Did you get an insight on why you were able to "get" it? Even the people where I go to aya ceremonies said that Bufo(5-meo) is much more suited to my goals(Awakening, Unity, GodHood). Sadly, where I live, bufo is illegal, so its tricky to get the experience, but I am patient. But say, what do you think triggered in you specifically?

Looking back at it, would you say you could get this breakthrough through meditation?

And lastly, what will you do from now on? Will you change career or something like that? Please do share if you feel comfortable

In any case, best of luck in your journey, and much love! I wish to join you in greatness in this life

Edited 19 hours ago by Eskilon

[VeganAwake]

It's unconditional love 🙂

[Breakingthewall]

That's what I call openess. What reality is is unlimited, and we, as humans, close off a section; what we perceive as "bad" has no place in our hearts, only the "good." So the bad, which we reject, remains in the form of wounds, fears, closed off.

At a certain moment, you open your heart and then you realize that it wasn't  your heart; it was simply the reality, and reality is unfathomable, therefore it contains everything. The energy that was previously trapped flows freely, and you realize that this moment is eternal and has no limits; its power is absolute, its energy is that of infinite dimensions, infinite universes, always flowing in an absolutely perfect way.

Reality is total, and it's alive, because if has not limits. Very simple, inevitable.

[Malkom]

nice

[emil1234]

4 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

That's what I call openess. What reality is is unlimited, and we, as humans, close off a section; what we perceive as "bad" has no place in our hearts, only the "good." So the bad, which we reject, remains in the form of wounds, fears, closed off.

At a certain moment, you open your heart and then you realize that it wasn't  your heart; it was simply the reality, and reality is unfathomable, therefore it contains everything. The energy that was previously trapped flows freely, and you realize that this moment is eternal and has no limits; its power is absolute, its energy is that of infinite dimensions, infinite universes, always flowing in an absolutely perfect way.

Reality is total, and it's alive, because if has not limits. Very simple, inevitable.

Yes! Your perspective always resonated with me, and I thought of it immidiately afterwards. This also answers the question of buddhist terms like dependent origination, cessation, all that crap, which has also puzzled me.

I also remember you specifically using the word "halleluja", which literally just is the description that comes to mind. Its the absolut best word to describe it.

Thank you for your inputs throught my time on the forum!

11 hours ago, Eskilon said:

@emil1234 Hey man, beautiful post! Cant really imagine how you are feeling right now -- it must be pure greatness. I have a couple questions if you don't mind haha:

I am curious, from what I understand and from my own experience also, I never had a breaktrough like this on Aya. Did you get an insight on why you were able to "get" it? Even the people where I go to aya ceremonies said that Bufo(5-meo) is much more suited to my goals(Awakening, Unity, GodHood). Sadly, where I live, bufo is illegal, so its tricky to get the experience, but I am patient. But say, what do you think triggered in you specifically?

Looking back at it, would you say you could get this breakthrough through meditation?

And lastly, what will you do from now on? Will you change career or something like that? Please do share if you feel comfortable

In any case, best of luck in your journey, and much love! I wish to join you in greatness in this life

thanks so much for your comment, i really felt it <3 

I actually have used bufo numerous times, I have however never had an actual breakthrough on it. For some weird reason, aya goes all the way for me. By far my favorite medicine at this point.

Hmm. I dont know honestly. interesting question, I'm reflecting on it. Yes! what it required was the total acceptance of all of my deepest fears! 
Thats literally what happened. I was put through the test of Loving all of my absolutley deepest fears, which are the ones I described in the post. 

When you was able to do that, you are able to love absolutley everything. And then my Love fixed upon my consciousness. And thats when it happened it makes me so happy describing this stuff and thinking about it! <3 

i think i will incorporate that part in my post

About meditation; i've meditated properly around 2000 thousand hours at this point, and.... I mean the realization is literally the most simple thing in the world, and it is literally always present. it is so much closer than you would ever think. But I dont think i can answer this question
 

I dont know yet! Thats what the coming time will tell! These days im faring my way through everyday life as I usually do; my strategy is to notice the things in my everyday life that is not alligned with my intuition and Love, and get rid of them  

One thing i can say is that im feeling super called to working more with Ayahuasca, maybe as a facilitator at some point 

Thank you so much for your respons, I really enjoyed reflecting on your questions <3 Never stop going for the realization; nothing has value compared to it!

Edited 8 hours ago by emil1234

[Water by the River]

15 hours ago, emil1234 said:

@Water by the River (I know you might disagree with me. But then you are wrong! Hehe <3 )

Beautiful experiences and insights for sure. You will see if it lasts. Or if something is still in the way between Absolute Reality and its love aspect.

Godspeed!

 

PS: Brown, Pith Instructions for Akhrid Dzogchen

" Furthermore, awakened awareness remains uninterruptedly in, and immovable from, the [vicissitudes of the three special] states [which are the adornments of enlightenment]: non-conceptual stillness, bliss (and love, WbtR), and luminosity."

Comment Brown "This passage refers to the fact that at this level of practice awakened awareness is frequently accompanied by special states of bliss, luminosity, and stillness, but that rather than becoming sources of attachment to state experiences or obscuring awakened awareness, these very states become the “ornaments” or friends of awakened awareness. In other words, these states now enhance rather than obscure the recognition of awakened awareness.

PS PS: IT is not a state. But your original face. That which has never not been the case. Anything that arises in time is not It. If you live long enough, and practice efficient enough, you will get used to these states with time.

PS PS PS: Wilber, One Taste: "And then, the Abyss beyond all beyonds. Some would call it radical Freedom, infinite Release, ultimate Liberation, the great Redemption, boundless Being. I wouldn’t know, for there is no I to know, in any form, sacred or profane, and so there is only this radical Formlessness, which remains its own remark. It is not bliss, it is not God, it is not love. It is not holistic, it is not Goddess, it is not interwoven anything. It is not infinite, it is not eternal, it is not any conception or object or state whatsoever. I-I am not light, am not love, am not spirit, am not bliss. II am not bound, am not free, am not ignorant, am not liberated. But this much can be said: where there is not this Emptiness, there is only suffering."

"Around the sea of Emptiness, a faint edge of bliss.
From the sea of Emptiness, a flicker of compassion.
Subtle illuminations fill the space of awareness,
As radiant forms coalesce in consciousness.
A world is taking shape,
A universe is being born.
I-I breathe out the subtlest patterns,
Which crystallize into the densest forms,
With physical colors, things, objects, processes,
That rush upon awareness in the darkness of its night,
To arise as glorious sun, radiant reminder of its source,
And slumbering earth, abode of the offspring of Spirit."

 

 

 

Edited 5 hours ago by Water by the River

[Breakingthewall]

@emil1234

The only point I would qualify is when you say that reality is love. Let's see, what we call love is simply the absence of obstacles, absolute openness. It's not something positive like: God, who is good, has so much love that He created you out of love (and pink ponies, and Jesus loves you). No. God isn't an entity that does things out of something called love, like a loving grandmother who loves you. The matter is much simpler. In the absence of limits, the totality inevitably manifests, and it is absolute expansion, living totality, unlimited power, direct living creation. When you break the barriers that limit you, the limitlessness manifest in you,. because you are that, and you call it love, but it's love like this:

 

[zurew]

Dude the hindu deities are something else.

Although Buddhists have their own weird looking deities as well.

 

 

Edited 5 hours ago by zurew

[Breakingthewall]

@zurew

Kali symbolizes the living flow or reality, the dance of creation and destruction, the movement. Shiva is the substance of reality, the absolute openess, immutable, total, diaphanous. 

Movement overlaps with stillness, since stillness is timeless. Kali is precisely time, the vitality of reality. Shiva is substance, Kali is manifestation. Both are one, since all manifestation is always substance, and substance always manifests, since the absence of manifestation is out of the time, it doesn't happen. "Happening" is movement, relationship, and movement is time. Relationship are unlimited, synchronous and interconnected to infinity. Kali is a perfect symbol of that. 

[zurew]

I could think of other ways how to represent that other than using blood and hanging human heads and a psychopath humanoid who seem to enjoy violence.

[cetus]

16 hours ago, emil1234 said:

A new life for me starts today. And I want to thank you Leo, of all of my heart, the absolute deepest gratittude for guiding me to this realization of my true nature. 

I will be blond with you

When Buddha attained enlightenment after sitting under the under the Bodi tree, the first words he spoke were: "The realization of one's true self has nothing to do with hair color".