M29 – Gave up on dating, focused on finances, but conflicted about the future

[Max_]

I’m 29. My last serious relationship ended 4 years ago, and I haven’t had intimacy in over 2 years.

For the past three years, I’ve been working almost nonstop to build a stronger financial future. Right now, my life is basically just work and the gym. I’m exhausted, not where I want to be yet, and everything outside of work feels like a waste of time and money.

Looking back, my past relationships were fun at times but never felt like real love, more like casual flings or friends with benefits. That just feels fake and not right anymore. I don’t want to waste someone’s precious time or take away their ability to bond deeply with a partner, just for pleasure. Because of this, I’ve completely checked out. I don’t even notice women anymore, it’s like they don’t exist. On top of that, being with someone carries the risk of pregnancy, and I don’t want kids until I can truly provide. Life has gotten expensive, and I want my future children to have the best: healthy food, vacations, and time with both parents, not just surviving. Until I reach that point financially, I feel like dating is irresponsible.

At the same time, I still want connection. Long term, I’d like to have 3 kids and give my partner the option not to work if she doesn’t want to, or ideally do something meaningful together. It just feels wrong if she has to raise kids, manage the household, and work for a boss at the same time. I believe I’m in a better position now to attract someone serious, but I’ve completely tuned out the dating world.

Timing worries me too. Ideally, I’d like to meet someone in her early to mid-20s so we’d have time to build a strong relationship and have multiple children. Having kids later isn’t ideal, fertility declines, pregnancy risks rise, and recovery is harder. On top of that, if there’s a big age gap later, I’m not sure we’d connect as easily. The problem is, I don’t know when I’ll actually reach my financial goals, and I’m scared that waiting too long will make this even harder.

So I’m stuck. I’ve given up on dating for now, but I also wonder if I’m throwing away years, and what if I never reach my goals and end up less attractive anyway?

Has anyone else gone through this? Should I keep waiting until I “make it,” or start dating again even though I don’t feel ready?

[LordFall]

You don't need to be ready to date to level up your social skills and build a network with access to a lot of women.

Socialize weekly and build a social circle around a niche with a lot of women in it and you can build both your value and your social life. 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Eu0L8roZSU

https://www.girlschase.com/article/why-do-people-think-you-need-money-get-girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ng7arZAzvSw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqC7FLdcx5s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAz_-ffRT5w

 

Edited September 1 by Raze

[Leo Gura]

8 hours ago, Max_ said:

Until I reach that point financially, I feel like dating is irresponsible.

This is not a good position. You need dating and relationship experience before you get married and have kids.

Dating is responsible. But if you want to delay it for a few years, that's fine. 29 is still very young. You can still date at 35 and older. But I recommend you don't delay too long because the more you delay that harder it gets. Dating is really a young man's game.

If you're going to delay a few years to make some serious money, that is okay. But then make sure you actually do that, rather than making this some never-ending excuse. It's easy to keep inventing excuses for not dating because dating is scary and challenging. Use your time efficiently and wisely -- that's the point.

Edited September 1 by Leo Gura

[aurum]

@Max_ I get it dude. Trying to align money and women at the same time is tough as hell.

If you want three kids, it'd be good to meet someone and start building that life together now. You don't need everything perfect to get into a relationship. You can grow into it, which is someways can be more fulfilling and give the relationship purpose.

If you meet someone in their early 20s, you could spend 3-5 years together preparing your financial life before you have kids. Even longer if she freezes her eggs. It might not be ideal, maybe you still both have to work. But you gotta weigh that with possibility of no relationship at all.

Beware of putting off dating too long. You need to be consistently getting out there and taking shots in order to be successful in dating, which requires its own momentum. Trying to go from 0 to 100 is very difficult. You need to find a solid strategy and ride that wave of positive feedback.

[Joshe]

9 hours ago, aurum said:

Trying to align money and women at the same time is tough as hell.

Yes, you will end up neglecting one or the other, which is good for neither. Both endeavors can easily devour the other, and both endeavors have their own risks and usually involve many setbacks, any of which can be the catalyst for the destruction of the other - or worse - both.

That said, you see men successfully manage both all the time. But I get the sense most of them don't strategize on how to do it, so maybe that's a big part of it. You might just need a particular psychic makeup to do both at the same time. 

[aurum]

35 minutes ago, Joshe said:

That said, you see men successfully manage both all the time.

Usually the money comes first. Then they leverage that into dating.

[Leo Gura]

Lots and lots of broke men are out there sleeping with women.

Money should not be an excuse not to sleep around.

[Davino]

Beware of the time given that you wanna raise a family. It's common to see men working in their finances and when everything is according to their standards they're already forty and alone. Feeling empty because money cannot fill that human longing.

I know you want to be in a more stable financial situation and I get that, just beware of the time, it goes on very fast and you have a 7 year span to make a family, while you have all your life to make money. Consider also, many people find in their children a huge motivation to provide and generate income.

So my advice would be: don't make it perfect, make it work.

Edited September 1 by Davino

[LordFall]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Lots and lots of broke men are out there sleeping with women.

Money should not be an excuse not to sleep around.

Hard to have a great dating life without money. You can pull girls here and there for reference experience sure but I would say being financially independent is key. I've been trying to save to take 30 days off from work to do a 30 day challenge for a few years and it's been difficult. I could do it anyway 1 hour a day of cold approach but the mental energy spent there vs my business doesn't make sense. 

[joeyi99]

@Max_ What are your financial goals and where are you at now?

[BlessedLion]

Yeah man, this is the classic man's dilemna- money, women, work, purpose. 

 

I think Davino had a good point, if you want a family and know that, don't try to be rich before doing that. If you have steady income then you can add dating to that. You're only 29 so most women aren't expecting you to be rich and fully capable of taking care of her right now. One of the benefits of the feminist movement is that most women are quite independent and self-sustainable, you don't really need to play that provider role.

 

I agree though, i'm only recently seeing how much of an energy demand dating, women, and even socializing in general is. I feel that maybe this doesn't suit my personality, I'm not in an incel way, i've slept with 100+ women in my life, some models, but now i see that energy demand, ego games, expectations, money drain, and freedom sacrifice as simply not worth it. In a way you have to give up your autonomy, independence and freedom to date. I also don't think having kids is for everyone, you have to really want that. People act like your wife and kids are the pinnacle of life, the most important thing you can achieve, but they simply don't know satisfactions beyond that, how much deeper you can go into your own being and self understanding and how much satisfaction and wholeness that brings. i sometimes chuckle when i realize (some of) the wisest men i know (Ralston, Wilber, Sahaja, Claud, Leo, and many dead philosphers and mystics) are/were single or single and childless i think that says something. 

 

Also, people are undependable and unpredicatable, the less you have in your life, the more stable and strong you can build yourself. I'm a fan of having a select few around that you really trust.

 

Anyway, that was a bit of a rant, just my take. 

 

 

[Max_]

 

@Leo Gura

First of all, thank you, your work has literally changed my life for the better!

I’ve been in 3 long-term relationships and some shorter ones, so I do have experience. I’ve noticed that the older I get and the more I level up (physique, finances, stability), the higher quality women I attract. Part of me thinks if I keep going, I’ll eventually meet someone “perfect.” But I also understand your point: you don’t get better at dating by sitting on the sidelines.

@Davino

I get what you’re saying about family being a motivator. My worry is that if I don’t “make it,” life will be very difficult. My parents were broke, and I don’t want that same foundation for my kids.

@BlessedLion

I feel similar, I’m not 100% sure about kids, but I also don’t want to end up alone. I think it’s just natural to have a family.

I also remember Leo saying that having kids makes it harder to become world-class at something, since your time and energy get split. That’s one of my dilemmas: I want to achieve big things in life, but I wonder if avoiding family for that reason would just leave me missing out.

@aurum

I think dating is a bit like riding a bicycle, once you’ve done it before, you know how it works and it’s easier to get back into it. But you’re right, maybe I’m too much of a perfectionist. I’d definitely recommend dating around in your early 20s to build that experience.

[theleelajoker]

On 1.9.2025 at 5:55 PM, Joshe said:

 

That said, you see men successfully manage both all the time. But I get the sense most of them don't strategize on how to do it, so maybe that's a big part of it. You might just need a particular psychic makeup to do both at the same time. 

Yeah I know a lot that do both successfully. But they do strategize a lot.

 

On 2.9.2025 at 1:37 AM, BlessedLion said:

(...)

I agree though, i'm only recently seeing how much of an energy demand dating, women, and even socializing in general is. I feel that maybe this doesn't suit my personality, I'm not in an incel way, i've slept with 100+ women in my life, some models, but now i see that energy demand, ego games, expectations, money drain, and freedom sacrifice as simply not worth it. In a way you have to give up your autonomy, independence and freedom to date. I also don't think having kids is for everyone, you have to really want that. People act like your wife and kids are the pinnacle of life, the most important thing you can achieve, but they simply don't know satisfactions beyond that, how much deeper you can go into your own being and self understanding and how much satisfaction and wholeness that brings. i sometimes chuckle when i realize (some of) the wisest men i know (Ralston, Wilber, Sahaja, Claud, Leo, and many dead philosphers and mystics) are/were single or single and childless i think that says something. 

 

Also, people are undependable and unpredicatable, the less you have in your life, the more stable and strong you can build yourself. 

For me socializing and dating - at THIS stage of my life - gives me energy. So it can be a trade off with other goals or it can support them.

Some people want kids so that they are busy or not alone at the end of their life.

And your point about people being unpredictable and undependable:

once had a GF, all was good, we both did a lot of due diligence when starting to date. We had plans for vacations, plans for moving in together, same idea about building future and lifestyle, same values, similar hobbies, we got along quite well, I trusted her fully. At some point she suddenly changed her mind about everything, she broke up and all future dissolved into nothing. LOL

Yeah you can plan and strategize, and it can work, but you can also do it and it won't work. 

After processing this I slowly tend towards what you said: the less you have, the more stable you are

What's the worst you can loose? How easily is it replaced? How attached are you to ANYTHING, especially material stuff but also certain people?

The more you have, the more you spent time trying to keep it. Partner, House, car, etc etc.

For me it's also no surprise that the idea about monks is to not have children or much material stuff. Similar with travelers, the more free you want be, the lighter you need to be.

How's the quote again in the movie "Heat"? Don't get attached to anything you can't say goodbye to within 30 seconds ?

Not holding on to stuff and people gives me a better chance to fully enjoy what's happening now. Food, people, surroundings, everything seen as "this is the last time I experience this" as best as I can.

 

Edited September 6 by theleelajoker

[Lucasxp64]

I did none of it properly for my whole life. I'm 27.

It's definably possible to put yourself in some weird mental position that not satisfying your thirst for the feminine will fuck up with your self-esteem and mental health and will drain your energy that, ironically, you would use to "focus at your finances".

I let status quo waste years and THOUSANDS of hours of lost opportunity for sticking with some shitty long-distance relationships because of some low self-esteem leading me to commit and let some bipolar women drain my mental energy and self-esteem slowly.

I had sex only once, despite spending hundreds of hours chatting with some long-distance chicks.

(worst part isn't the time itself, but it becoming a steady source of random distraction in your life)

Definitely you MUST know how to recharge your energy without nobody, as long as the condition of you not freaking out is met. Otherwise, you will end up doing dating in shitty unconscious ways like if some woman happens to appear in your life, because you lost the mental skill of doing dating at your own pace, you might end up putting up with her energy drain... Or not having what you want will drain you regardless.

It's damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Regardless, we need to address the craving somehow, transcend it whatever if you're a monk-like being. 

It's all a matter of management of emotional energy, the time required for dating isn't even that great if you lock-in in a good dating routine that works for you. Imagine how much time we spend a hermit, actually not even growing, just there in some dark corner gooning or doing some other random high-dopamine crap as a counter-reaction of the crippling anxiety of just starting some important inner or outer work.

Each of us require different levels of different kinds of stimulation, only you will know what kind of balance works for you. Some of us are so fucked that even if they landed a 10/10 wholesome wife-for-life or had an entire harem, they couldn't fill the void inside of them and some hard-drug overdose would be their fate. Their brains are absolutely wrecked.

But on the other end of the spectrum we have monk-like people that would live in a literal cave just fine, and they actually thrive in that solitude, because they wired their brain to get MORE PLEASURE from just attention itself to some meditation object.

In general, the more energizing things you got in your life that makes you stimulated at the right measure, the less you will freak out about not having some specific kind. That's why people with nice wholesome connections with friends and family will not become drug junkies. The opposite of addiction is connection.

---

Personally, I crave really hard having a wholesome monogamous relationship with a pretty-enough girl. That is built into my psyche so hard, I can't escape from it. It's fucking suffering at times when it surfaces to my mind, and turns into a low-self-esteem filled gooning period.

If I had money and I did throw out of the window the idea of a relationship, it would turn into chasing women for sex disregarding my other emotional needs. 

---

 

 

Edited September 7 by Lucasxp64

[pablo_aka_god]

I've also faced this dilemma.  I like to focus on things on chunks of a few months. I spent 10 months traveling and enjoying my ex GF. I still worked remotely but by no means work was my focus. Since May till August I spent 4 months fully working during winter after my break up. I still had sex once with a girl from Tinder(thank god).

In the last month I've switched gears to pickup again. I still work a lot and make money but I'm deliberately rejecting all new work projects that will take more energy so I can focus on dating. 

Over time I end up making progress in both areas. maybe it's slower but also feels more stable. I can't go for +6 months without sex. my mind starts tearing apart, if making serious money would take me 5 years I know I won't make it without dating girls, I'd brake down before

You need to know yourself and the cycles of your personal life.

Edited September 14 by pablo_aka_god

[bazera]

What are your motivations of having kids? 

Have you even considered not having them?