I am paradigm locked into believing all women want serious relationships

[Jannes]

Thats kind of the narrative of culture although that is changing a bit. And it is also true most of the time that women seek serious relationships instead of hookups. But of course there are women who like casual sex. But this kind of hits a wall in me somewhere, it just feels antithetical to a womens goals to go for casual sex, from a biological point of view but also from an emotional point of view. 

The times I had casual sex this always left me wondering how to make sense of it. 

[Schizophonia]

10 minutes ago, Jannes said:

Thats kind of the narrative of culture although that is changing a bit. And it is also true most of the time that women seek serious relationships instead of hookups. But of course there are women who like casual sex. But this kind of hits a wall in me somewhere, it just feels antithetical to a womens goals to go for casual sex, from a biological point of view but also from an emotional point of view. 

The times I had casual sex this always left me wondering how to make sense of it. 

In reality even men want long-term relationships the vast majority of the time.

Edited yesterday at 06:01 PM by Schizophonia

[aurum]

@Jannes a huge percentage of women interested in casual sex are already in a romantic relationship.

Either the spark has gone out, or it was never really that strong to begin with. But they don't want to leave their relationship either, since it fulfills other needs.

[Sugarcoat]

A woman could simply be horny enough, in combination of being open to the idea of casual sex meaning she doesn’t judge it from some religious standpoint or something, and maybe she also is craving some ego boost (some could use it as an addiction for a self esteem boost). Especially in the west where culture is very sexualized and a woman’s sex appeal is put on a pedestal, so engaging in casual sex could feed her self image of wanting to feel sexy. 
 

Now that I’m thinking all that I wrote could be achieved in a relationship too. To that I could explain that maybe yes she’s craving intimacy and affection, but the one she gets from casual sex might be “enough” for now in her life. And emotional support and social company she might get from friends

Edited yesterday at 06:13 PM by Sugarcoat

[Natasha Tori Maru]

I think most women tend toward a relationship. 

There are some women who have a higher desire for sex and variety, and will seek that.

Even the women who would prefer a ltr will engage in casual sex: think about it as someone going in and exploring a bunch of experiences. You typically discover who you are, what you like and don't like, through experience. Many women go through a phase of enjoying casual sex for this reason. So it definitely happens. And could be something you encounter. 

In addition - something that isn't ever spoken about here - some women screen for quality of sex. I don't know how common this is, but for myself, I have engaged in more casual flings in an attempt to find a comparable man. 

Fact of the matter is - I look for a man I think can get me off. Because most men think having a cock that's hard is enough. But you need to actually KNOW how a woman's body works. Which comes from experience. 

The worst thing during casual sex is engaging, and realising it's going to be a training session rather than a firey bang 😜

I don't know if that represents a lot of women, but it was a driver for me regarding casual sex: finding someone who was GOOD at it. 

A lot of this mess comes down to women who lie and fake it. And let men believe they kill it in bed - when in actual fact they need to be told the clit is 5 inches down and no, finger banging right out the gate is HORRIBLE.

I don't do casual sex because I cannot be fucked trying to find someone good! Just thought I would add that as I don't think many men realise this about women. 

I just think most women want emotional engagement and closeness over sex, which leads them to a committed relationship.

[Schizophonia]

7 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

- when in actual fact they need to be told the clit is 5 inches down 

So Natasha's ex is presbyopic 🤔

[Lyubov]

You’re not locked into anything. You’re choosing to see it the way you want to and resisting other broader belief systems. The truth is people have sex for a lot of different reasons and you get all kinds of women. Slutty women, shy women, women not really interested in sex, traditional girls who marry the first guy they sex due to their culture. Women can also go through phases too where they maybe had a hoe phase and are now being more selective. Some women want serious relationships but it doesn’t really matter. They either make themselves available to sex or they don’t and if they do, it can play out any number of ways for any number of reasons. Just stay open minded and prioritize socializing, new experiences and having fun. 

[Emerald]

5 hours ago, Jannes said:

Thats kind of the narrative of culture although that is changing a bit. And it is also true most of the time that women seek serious relationships instead of hookups. But of course there are women who like casual sex. But this kind of hits a wall in me somewhere, it just feels antithetical to a womens goals to go for casual sex, from a biological point of view but also from an emotional point of view. 

The times I had casual sex this always left me wondering how to make sense of it. 

First off, some women genuinely do enjoy casual hook-ups. And I'm sure that that's a sizable minority... like at least 10% or 20%.

But most women want long-term relationships because that's where the most emotional stimulation and intimacy is... and it's more possible to have deeply erotic experiences with a longterm partner than with a short-term partner.

But it often does require some level of sexual experience to know this and figure this out in a way that transcends the theoretical. In many cases, women have to discover it for themselves instead of just holding themselves back from their genuine curiosity about hook-ups out of a desire to go along with social mores around female sexuality.

So, before women know their preference for sexual expression within a relationship, they may be more open to casual hook-ups... if for no other reasons than to satiate their curiosity for the experience. 

And if it resonates for those women, it's good to have these experiences to come to know yourself and your sexuality better as a woman.

But most women end up finding that hook-ups are emotionally boring... and that the juice isn't worth the squeeze as it doesn't deliver much in the way of true eroticism or intimacy.

With hook-ups, it's just the concrete physical sensations associated with sex, which typically doesn't interest women as much as it does for men. Like men usually seek out sex because of a yearning of the loins for physical stimulation... while women tend to seek out sex because of a yearning that emanates from the center of the chest first before any desire arises in the loins.

To expand further on this... when I was a teenager and in my early 20s (and especially in my pre-teens), I held a perception that casual sex would be something that would be fun, exciting, and erotic. And I have always been drawn to that which gives off erotic and sensual vibes... even when I was a small child and didn't yet know what sex was.

But it takes a while to learn this about yourself as a woman. It takes women usually 3+ decades to know themselves sexually as there's so much that's emotional and nebulous. But society thinks about sex mostly physically... and so women can seek out sex because they see it as a physical representation of the feelings they want to feel.

But it's a mirage... because the act of sex itself isn't the thing that arouses those feeling states. It's the intimacy and vulnerability.

I remember when I was 11 or 12 years old, I was watching this show that used to come on MTV called "Undressed". And it was basically a fictional show where a bunch of early 20-something who lived in an apartment complex would hook up and have casual sex. 

And I remember thinking... "When I get into my teens and twenties, I'm going to have A LOT of casual sex!" And I was also really excited at the idea of things like Spring Break partying because of all the overt sexual expressions that I saw on tv.

Then, at age 13, I actually started getting a lot of attention from guys my age. So, that wore off some of that novelty around sex because I saw that there was no scarcity of opportunities for it.

Before then, my perception was that male attention was scarce as I had been getting crushes on boys since I was 3 years old and they were never reciprocated. Even in movies where the men would be super attracted to women, I genuinely thought it was just one of those unrealistic movie tropes that doesn't happen in real life.

But once I turned 13, suddenly those movie tropes became the reality and I was getting tons of male attention. And male sexual access got devalued in my perception because I recognized it as common and not rare as I once believed. So, that cooled off my desire for casual hook-ups quite a bit from what my 11 year old self's perspective was as I realized that I could have that if I really wanted to.

And there was also a lot of social punishment for perceptions of sluttiness. So, I learned that (even though everyone is obsessed with female sexuality, which led me to be believe as an 11 year old that being slutty was a good social strategy) that sluttiness wasn't the way I could feel the most sexually empowered and respected.

Instead, I would be more desired and respected if I was perceived as very selective. I learned this by the time that I was 15 that the rarity of my sexual expression gave me more power. And I built an identity around being fairly selective and chaste.

But the reality of the matter was that there was still a part of me that was very excited at the idea of having hook-ups and casual sex... even though it went entirely against my identity and worldview... and I would be socially punished for it. But I tamped down on the drive really hard for the social and sexual pay-offs of doing so... as it gave me a vibe of being rare.

But when I was 20, and I got out of my first serious relationship (who I thought would be the only sexual partner that I ever had)... I ended up having terrible boundaries with my sexuality. And I slept with a handful of guys in a relatively short period of time.

And I was baffled because it went entirely against my identity. But I kept repeating the behavior without feeling like I was in control of it.

And I was very confused and asking myself, "Why do I keep doing this?" And the more conscious part of me genuinely didn't want to because of all the negative associations with female sexuality and promiscuity that I had learned and built my sexual identity in opposition to. But an unconscious part of me was actually wanting to have those kinds of experiences.

So, from the vantage point that I am in now, I can see that this driver for a plurality of sexual experience was actually really strong in me back then. It just went against my own identity of goodness and chastity... as I had a lot of slut-shamey beliefs that I had internalized.

And in the experience of hooking up, I realized that the experience was emotionally lack-luster. It didn't actually provide for me what the fantasy in my mind at the age of 11 indicated it would... which was that it would be an erotic experience.

So, it was only in having casual hook-ups that casual hook-ups lost their charm and curiosity factor. And I realized in a more experiential way that the depth of erotic sexual experiences that I want to have can only be had if the relationship is as serious as a heart attack... as that is the determining factor that unlocks the capacity for meaning and surrender.

But plenty of women don't know this about themselves yet. So, they are drawn to the experiences that will help them understand themselves... which is often sought out in the physicality of sex itself.

But sex is just the chalice and not the elixir itself. And it takes experiencing empty cups to understand the difference between the chalice and the elixir.

And casual sex is like the false grail that women need to experience in order to find the real grail. Plenty of women are in that phase of their sexual journey.

[Miguel1]

Almost all women are down for a casual hook up, when the right man arrives.

Also, almost all women want a committed relationship, when the right man arrives.

[Princess Arabia]

We'd be better off leaving most beliefs behind and just look at life as it comes and in the moment. Life has a way of showing who is the boss and reminding us that it's alive and not some dead weight meat that we can just concept and ideas away with stories and belief systems. 

Who is the boss, as in "I appear however the fuck i appear". That's life/this.

Edited 6 hours ago by Princess Arabia

[something_else]

It’s not incredibly reliable data but I saw a Reddit post recently of a guy who used tinder passport to gather data on women’s preferences for casual/serious relationships all over the world.

The formula was: # of girls looking for short term / (# of girls looking for short term + # of girls looking for long term)

It ranged all the way from 90% in Argentina to around 10-20% in most of Western Europe. Interestingly Nordics + Western Europe were the countries where the least women were looking for short term. In the US it was around 30%.

Either way, this is not a small percentage of the population of women.

[BlessedLion]

On 8/15/2025 at 11:50 AM, Jannes said:

Thats kind of the narrative of culture although that is changing a bit. And it is also true most of the time that women seek serious relationships instead of hookups. But of course there are women who like casual sex. But this kind of hits a wall in me somewhere, it just feels antithetical to a womens goals to go for casual sex, from a biological point of view but also from an emotional point of view. 

The times I had casual sex this always left me wondering how to make sense of it. 

I don’t think it’s a paradigm man, it’s more like “true”. One of the reasons I dropped pick up is because it felt corrupt and manipulative and it was hurting women. Doesn’t matter if they say they are cool with it, chill, or okay with open, on a deep level it’s not okay for them. 

[BlessedLion]

3 hours ago, something_else said:

It’s not incredibly reliable data but I saw a Reddit post recently of a guy who used tinder passport to gather data on women’s preferences for casual/serious relationships all over the world.

The formula was: # of girls looking for short term / (# of girls looking for short term + # of girls looking for long term)

It ranged all the way from 90% in Argentina to around 10-20% in most of Western Europe. Interestingly Nordics + Western Europe were the countries where the least women were looking for short term. In the US it was around 30%.

Either way, this is not a small percentage of the population of women.

It is more chill in Argentina/Brazil, but still if you’re consistent with a girl having deep connected sex it’s only a matter of time 

[BlessedLion]

4 hours ago, Miguel1 said:

Almost all women are down for a casual hook up, when the right man arrives.

Also, almost all women want a committed relationship, when the right man arrives.

That’s a solid quote 

[BlessedLion]

I’ve seen the whole “free love casual sex” thing really damage a lot of women, especially young ones, only if a woman is like in her 40s saying that will I trust her.