Top habits for being a grounded, non needy man when single?

[Fabio]

I made a somewhat similar post a year ago..   Finding Im struggling with the same underlying issue.

Many girls Id never date. Though I dated a girl that's 39 for like 6-7 months recently and broke up about a month and a bit ago. I think what made her so crazy about me is that I was initially minimally attracted to her and she could kinda tell, which made me a challenge and with some time she kinda grew on me and I enjoyed her company and she had her shit together and treated me nicely, replied fast , happy to meet my needs, etc so it was nice. Problem is I found younger girls more attractive, and I didnt want to have kids with a girl who in a few years is  like 44 and dating a girl whose 49 in 10 years when im 40 makes me feel like I aged quicker than necessary. When I approach a girl that I genuinely find attractive, as I have recently, I find it hard to keep my emotions in check.

I tend to show how much I adore them quickly, when I find a girl physically attractive and she recipricates a bit, I tend to indulge. I went on a first date this monday with a girl, we went for a couple drinks and an appy, went to a beach, sat down, made out, smoked a joint, faced eachother, pulled her on top of me and made out and had a long hug. One guy even commented on how were "making him feel some kinda way" as in he liked the lovey vibe.

She was kinda a hippy type, and talked about how she wants to be a stay at home mom one day and how life is about love etc . This is where I usually get messed up: She had such a beautiful face, that when we kissed and I looked at her it literally felt so heavenly and euphoric like god was blessing me with his attention or something, like the biggest rush of serotonin and peace, very addicting feeling. I texted her a couple days  after our date in the evening (yesterday) to make plans in the next week,  and the next day (today at 1pm) she hasn't replied yet. I've basically given up on trying to not think about it because the withdrawl from that heavenly feeling is so shitty, ive been just putting my time outside of work on just emotional healing techniques to try to manage it because I get logically how I should be super detached at this point. It seems like we connected kinda deeply, but I know thats the wrong thing to be focused on as a dude, as girls feelings develop slowly, its just the truth of how I felt about it .

Anyway, I meditate a few times a week, been getting into holotropic breathwork and did it once a week ago and that was an amazing tool to get in touch with my traumas and release them. I know I should be approaching other women, but when I felt a bond with a girl, its hard to approach others but I can force myself if necessary, (yes I know I shouldn't be bonded with someone I just met, but how was I to avoid it?) and chances are she'll probably reply eventually, but still, knowing to myself that I thought this amount about her between the dates is like an issue I need to resolve even if she goes out with me again cause the attachment is unsustainable for a womans attraction and is hard to hide. 

Thus the title: What habits would be the top priority to build independence , low reaction to girls and their disintested behaviour after this type of date? To be as non needy as possible, preferably from the inside out. 

For example: Date more women, Meditate everyday, journal? Etc.  

Any dudes who have been in the same boat and have overcome it, if you could mention that as well would be appreciated. 

 

Edited Friday at 05:41 PM by Fabio

[theleelajoker]

Hm  I can somehow relate. Not the first part, but the theme of "meet a girl we have great time emotionally, physically, doing stuff, getting along well and then suddenly she's not interested in spending more time"

Personally, I am not so much into the "guys are like X and boys are like Y", for me that's one thing to get some grounding. Making up as little stories as possible. Yeah the bonding can happen if you're open, but time will show that you will bond with more people. It's less about the others, and more about you IME.

The activities you mention all already good things IMO.

For me, it's about building a system:

1. Physical: Get in your body, and get the stress out of your body. Breath work, yoga, pilates, basketball,sauna, meditation, singing... whatever works for you. Feel whatever is there, don't push it away. Do things that calm down your nervous system. Cuddling is great but you need a human or pet for this
2. Mental: being aware, being present, seeing your thoughts, learning to better steer and concentrate your attention. I better recognize when I am outside my current field of awareness, or in the past/future. One thing I do for instance is telling myself "relax", silently in my head as much as possible. No matter what I do, cleaning, writing this text,  sports, interactions with others... whenever I notice I'm not relaxed, I do this. Another thing is telling myself that I don't need person XYZ to be happy, but in a positive way "Right now I have everything I need". Last girl I saw, she gave me a nice warm feeling in the heart area. But it was still my body, my feeling, you know? It's still created inside me.  The whole mental part, John C Lewis Lily would probably call it "reprogramming" of your Bio computer. I think @Hojo recommend here once re karma - simply don't react. Stay relaxed no matter what and karma will leave
3. Social: 1) Meet friends and people that you're not interested in romantically. 2) Practically, there is an infinite amount of wonderful women. Yeah so if she doesn't want to be with you - her choice. You're great the way you are and if she doesn't want to be with you, and you stay cool with it, reality will put you into touch with someone else that is a better fit. Don't search for it, but be open - you enjoy the process of finding your match as much as the (potential) result. Smile, interact, relax stand for what is important for you. If she doesn't appreciate you, is she worth your attention?  If things start like that, how would a relationship continue?
4. Journaling: just started, seems a great tool.

Hope that helps. Some things work better sometimes, then less another time. It's a process for me. In any case - enjoy brother, be happy

Edited Friday at 12:00 PM by theleelajoker

[Hojo]

You kiss the beautiful woman and feel euphoria because thats what you identity with. Beautiful woman. As we have said before you created every single one of your emotions. The euphoria isnt coming from a person its coming from you.

So when you see and kiss a beautiful woman and say this thing made me feel that way its not true at all. You identify with it and kissing it allowed you to release those feelings. You dont even need a woman to feel that way you just tricked yourself that you dont have something that will make you release the feeling.

You can stop it by force stopping yourself from checking out woman you find beautiful or women in general. Stop checking out their boobs and hips and butt totally. It takes alot of practice as your eyes literally natrually move towards them without your control. If you pay attention to this you will see that your eyes are not under your own control they are under the control of womans bodies or your own sexual desires.

Edited Friday at 04:35 PM by Hojo

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0Yw6wNNx7E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzeXRDUk1ds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIsy_HSHkKo

 

Edited Friday at 06:27 PM by Raze

[Daniel Balan]

Self love. Thats it. Learn to love yourself, learn to love your own company more than you enjoy the company of other people. 

To put it simply, instead of falling in love with women, FALL IN LOVE WITH SOLITUDE! 

If you do that, the presence of your loved one becomes a bonus, not a must. Now you will no longer be needy. 

If you need other people to be happy you are operating from a needy framework. 

 

[samijiben]

Yes, it is true, you are imagining that you kissed a beautiful girl that is no longer with you, and you probably added a bunch of random shit to the story to make it seem more real.

"This work" is about illusion busting, and if you do it right, your problem will have nothing to do with "beautiful women," that I assure you. 

[Miguel1]

The best solution to needyness is abundance.

It just takes the most work and is the hardest:

Go out, approach and meet a ton of people. This is the most natural solution to needyness, rather than the ”artificial ways” of self-love, altho that is important too.

[meta_male]

@Fabio If I get you right you want it more like: This girl is interesting, but I’m watching to see if she can actually meet me. Journaling and meditation won’t fix that. They just give you more space to watch yourself crave a state. What you’re after isn’t abundance in women...it’s abundance in that euphoric state. Currently, you’re outsourcing it instead of creating it yourself.

If you keep doing all the spiritual practises and then kiss a beautiful girl the gap between boring shit and exciting shit is too big.