She wants kids - I don't. Give up SEX and companionship?

[Lucasxp64]

This is the core of what Leo said here. We are presented over and over again during our dating/relationship/sex life with the option to act towards getting sex and companionship at all costs, or we act facing our values and the well being of the other.

What happens when:

- She says she wants a baby someday, but I don't intend to do so. And I lie about it?

- She says she wants a committed relationship. But she isn't attractive enough, and I know I'd jump boat given a better option

- When she is physically attractive as heck, she is sexually and romantically compatible with me. But, a bipolar toxic emotionally attached promiscuous polygamous slut (by her own words), but she lied to me about wanting a committed relationship, meanwhile she made me feel bad about trying to understand her true intentions early on, since I was trying to play it to see if she had polygamous or monogamous intent.

- When she is somewhat attractive, but it was mostly a lie because every photo I saw from her came through some filter. And she is a Christian dogmatic bipolar highly opinionated person that would be on a weekly basis creating turmoil and making me feel lesser as a person, but she would help me with money, give me some resemblance of companionship and sexual validation online.

- When I'm doubtful if lying to them about my income and social status will or won't improve my odds of having sex and companionship when I'm desperately dry?

- When I have monogamous intents, but all I have are phone/chat contacts, and I tell I have monogamous intent to multiple women meanwhile I'm sexually explicit with multiple of these women online.

- When I have monogamous intent, but none of them are yet quite what I want. But I know I can't tell them: "I have monogamous intents in my life, but you're simply not hot. I'm sorry, but we can keep the companionship and the sex that I like, until I find someone hot enough."

- And what if, I had polygamous intent, but I feel off-put by women that are promiscuous, and I'm unilaterally breaking the terms, but when I'm with them, I'll act like the most loving monogamous romantic boyfriend, but with multiple women, until I start basically seeing less of the women I like less, and keep the ones I actually want the most. Maybe until I'm concerned of losing them due to arising suspicion and I'm forced to make a choice between equally great women?

- What if... She is all I ever wanted, but I might have become locked-in into chasing better and better, even though I might want to stop with this ethical pain and the ups and downs and drama of new people?

https://www.actualized.org/insights/actualized-quotes-264

Edited 9 hours ago by Lucasxp64

[Lucasxp64]

Do most people just keep lying to each other and to themselves?

It seems like that's how many men will fall for having marriage and kids. For the sake of not losing the sex and companionship alongside not wanting to hurt the other person.

I've heard stories where the men or the woman wanted marriage and kids, and lied to the other about monogamy because they wanted to keep the other person happy. But it utterly destroys with them emotionally when they learned they systematically were seeing dozens or hundreds of different people during that time for example.

[Xonas Pitfall]

Not necessarily. There are definitely plenty of records of people living happy, long-term monogamous marriages, and even after death, they hold those relationships as meaningful and deeply cherished. So yes, there are definitely people out there like that, if that’s what you truly desire. I suggest reading through happy, non-toxic Reddit threads.

The general rule is this:
Take ownership of what you can control, and let go of what you can't.

Things you can control:

• Understanding what kind of lifestyle you want (polyamory or monogamy?)
• Whether you want kids or not
• What level of attraction do you expect in a partner, and whether you can stay attracted as they naturally age
• What values, beliefs, and level of personal development your partner should have (e.g., spiral dynamics, philosophical maturity)
• What kinds of personality traits do you want in a partner: introverted or extroverted, nurturing or independent, playful or serious, etc.
• Hobbies and passions you’d want to share or support

Now, hold yourself accountable too:
That ideal partner you wrote down, would they even like you? Are you in the same general bracket of attraction or compatibility? Are you attracted to polyamorous or monogamous people, and would they be attracted to you? Do you hold the same values or spiritual/philosophical outlooks you expect from them? And are you acting in line with those values? Can you hold attraction over time? If you wish for monogamy, what practical, logistical steps are you taking to prevent things like cheating, shiny object syndrome, or uncontrolled lusting? Are you developing emotional maturity, deepening connection regularly, staying honest with yourself and your partner, and avoiding situations that feed temptation? If you wish for polyamory, are you actively filtering for partners who genuinely want? Are you clear about your boundaries, communication expectations, and how jealousy or time-sharing will be handled?

Now ask yourself:

• Are you going to the types of places where you’re more likely to meet someone like that?
• Or are you spending time in environments that feel completely opposite or shallow?
• Are you openly communicating the kind of relationship you want, or are you presenting a fake image and trying to slowly manipulate the other person into becoming what you want?

Remember, you only need to find one person (if that's what you want.) It's definitely realistic and possible, but you have to put in the effort. And yes, that will require sacrifice. But what in this world doesn’t? People don’t usually complain about not being able to start five businesses at once, because they understand the sacrifice and dedication it takes to make even one successful.

✨😉

Edited 9 hours ago by Xonas Pitfall

[Leo Gura]

Yeah, that's the bitch of dating. A lot of very difficult and sensitive scenarios there.

It's very hard to find the right long-term girl if your standards are high. But if your standards are so high and you're so honest about them, you'll basically not get laid for years or a decade -- which is also unworkable. You're left with all sorts of grey choices.

I don't have a solution for you. Try to minimize their suffering and try not to lead them on if they are hoping for something long-term and you know they are not good enough for you. Try to make it clear if you are only interested in them for short-term fun.

Lying about wanting kids is quite problematic. Be careful! A girl who wants kids can trick you into having a kid without you even knowing about it. Do not get girl pregnant who is not long-term material. That will turn into a nightmare. Do not impregnate a girl with mental disorders. She will make your life a living hell.

Regarding the kids situation, you gotta tell her you don't want kids. She will probably still keep seeing you unless she is older and very serious about kids. But if she is that serious, leading her on there is not right.

Edited 8 hours ago by Leo Gura

[meta_male]

1 hour ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

Remember, you only need to find one person (if that's what you want.) It's definitely realistic and possible, but you have to put in the effort. And yes, that will require sacrifice.

Seems to me the sacrifice is going without intimacy for longer than feels tolerable with no guarantee it ever pays off.

[Spiral]

I wouldn’t want to be in a short term or long term relationship with a girl who wants kids, unless I want them myself.

My ex’s best friend tricked her boyfriend into getting her pregnant. My ex thought that was a completely reasonable thing to do.

Sex isn’t that great, awesome in theory but when you think about it, it’s really is kinda silly. To put ourselves thru so many much pain and risk for something like that.

[Schizophonia]

The other is a mirror, so If you really want someone loving you'll tend to come across girls who want children.

Because everything is possible but it's less probable than someone loving say you in the same time "oh i hate children it's boring and and a lost of time and money".

[CARDOZZO]

@Lucasxp64

This is too much pressure to deal with. You'll end up trapped in your mind and horny. Just move on, talk to lots of woman. Do not sacrifice your mental health for sex or unstable woman. If you are really horny with no options, go to a escort.

[AION]

Just say you don’t know and roll with the punches. Even when you find somebody who fits your liking, it is still constant chaos with them. 

Edited 7 hours ago by AION

[RendHeaven]

lol this shit is too easy!

2 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

- She says she wants a baby someday, but I don't intend to do so. And I lie about it?

Tell her point blank that children are not in the cards for you.

Tell her you're open to further companionship but you understand if she would rather end things.

2 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

She says she wants a committed relationship. But she isn't attractive enough, and I know I'd jump boat given a better option

Leave.

2 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

When she is physically attractive as heck, she is sexually and romantically compatible with me. But, a bipolar toxic emotionally attached promiscuous polygamous slut (by her own words), but she lied to me about wanting a committed relationship, meanwhile she made me feel bad about trying to understand her true intentions early on, since I was trying to play it to see if she had polygamous or monogamous intent.

Have sex with her and ignore her texts.

2 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

- When she is somewhat attractive, but it was mostly a lie because every photo I saw from her came through some filter. And she is a Christian dogmatic bipolar highly opinionated person that would be on a weekly basis creating turmoil and making me feel lesser as a person, but she would help me with money, give me some resemblance of companionship and sexual validation online.

Leave.

2 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

- When I'm doubtful if lying to them about my income and social status will or won't improve my odds of having sex and companionship when I'm desperately dry?

Don't even talk about your income or social status. Get good at redirecting attention, like a magician.

2 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

- When I have monogamous intents, but all I have are phone/chat contacts, and I tell I have monogamous intent to multiple women meanwhile I'm sexually explicit with multiple of these women online.

Don't announce that you're looking for monogamy, unless they ask first. 

Shotgun approach with your sexuality is acceptable prior to any commitments.

2 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

- When I have monogamous intent, but none of them are yet quite what I want. But I know I can't tell them: "I have monogamous intents in my life, but you're simply not hot. I'm sorry, but we can keep the companionship and the sex that I like, until I find someone hot enough."

Don't fuck people you don't find hot. Come on.

2 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

- And what if, I had polygamous intent, but I feel off-put by women that are promiscuous, and I'm unilaterally breaking the terms, but when I'm with them, I'll act like the most loving monogamous romantic boyfriend, but with multiple women, until I start basically seeing less of the women I like less, and keep the ones I actually want the most. Maybe until I'm concerned of losing them due to arising suspicion and I'm forced to make a choice between equally great women?

2 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

- What if... She is all I ever wanted, but I might have become locked-in into chasing better and better, even though I might want to stop with this ethical pain and the ups and downs and drama of new people?

Sounds like a skill issue.

If you find the one for you, then stfu and choose to love her. Don't pull an aubrey marcus.

Or if you just can't resist your inner STALLION OF EROS, then just decide to be a poly slut and stop larping monogamy.

It's a simple binary decision.

[RendHeaven]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

But if your standards are so high and you're so honest about them, you'll basically not get laid for years or a decade -- which is also unworkable.

Learned this the hard way.

But even then, high standards beat low standards every single time.

So much pain around relationships come from people forcing an encounter where there's nothing there.

[Leo Gura]

42 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

high standards beat low standards every single time.

I don't know about that.

If I operated on that rule I would have lost 90% of sex.

My standards are impossible to meet.

Edited 6 hours ago by Leo Gura

[Leo Gura]

3 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

but it was mostly a lie because every photo I saw from her came through some filter.

Aahahahaha....

Girls love to screw you with those filters.

You gotta explicitly forbid them to use filters from day one. Or they will send you all kinds of fake bullshit.

My God. The world is so fucking fake you can't even trust a picture from your girlfriend. Gotta run it through a fraud detection service.

Edited 6 hours ago by Leo Gura

[Joshe]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Try to make it clear if you are only interested in them for short-term fun.

This usually makes the girl like you more. 

One night stands, no problem. But if you have sex multiple times with a girl and you know you don’t want anything more than sex, you have to hide that fact from them because if they knew you just wanted their sex and nothing else, they wouldn’t keep sleeping with you.

The only way to keep getting the pussy is to make them think there might be a chance you’re interested long term. If not explicitly stated and made abundantly clear, silence signs the contract. And when the terms are brought to light, you act surprised that you didn’t know she wanted something serious and you justify your parasitic behavior.

Telling women you don’t want them gets you more pussy than telling them you do. This keeps them coming back. Over, and over. Until they finally ask you to commit. At which point, your selfish ass will say “I’ve told you multiple times I don’t want anything serious”, and then continue to take her for her pussy and have to swat down her begging and pleading every 3 or 4 fucks or so. 

This dynamic makes using women (casual dating) hard if you’re to maintain integrity. 

Girls only sleep with a guy multiple times if they consider them a long term prospect. If you know from the jump you are not but continue to play the game, well… 

Edited 4 hours ago by Joshe