Dating Inequality Is the Fallout of Decades of Sexual Libertinism

[Hardkill]

It’s becoming more and more clear to me that the rise in sexual inequality we’re seeing—especially in modern dating—is deeply connected to broader systemic trends that began around the late 1970s and early 1980s.

Just as neoliberalism deregulated markets and led to massive concentrations of wealth and power, decades of sexual libertinism—removal of norms, expectations of commitment, and male responsibility—have created a deregulated sexual marketplace. And like the economy, it’s ended up concentrating power in the hands of a small elite: mostly high-status men and, to a degree, some high-status women.

Both systems—neoliberal capitalism and post-sexual revolution dating culture—promised freedom, choice, and personal autonomy. But in practice, both atomized society, undermined community values, and left many feeling powerless, isolated, and unfulfilled.

And in both cases, if you're struggling—financially, emotionally, sexually—it’s framed as your own fault. “You just didn’t play the game well enough.”

It’s sad how far we’ve drifted from collective well-being, serious structural analysis of power, protection for the vulnerable, and any real sense of solidarity. Especially in America, these values have been almost entirely displaced by hyper-individualism and commodification.

We’re now dealing with the psychological and spiritual consequences of both revolutions—economic and sexual—happening in parallel.

Edited yesterday at 01:35 AM by Hardkill

[LordFall]

I don't agree with this premise. Culturally enforced monogamy is not a necessarily great thing. Freedom is harder at first but yields greater results and more satisfaction at the end. It's like if instead of being able to find a career/build a business/find a life purpose you were mandated to have the same job as your father and his father before him. It would make life easier and maybe you'd even happier over some periods of time. I wouldn't want to live like that though.

You now have to understand your society at large to understand what a good dating strategy is and understand yourself deeply to understand what you even want. 

What do you personally struggle with in our current dating culture? I used to have a hard time but my current social circle strategy is working quite well. I expect that in 12 months I should have a pretty phenomenal relationship with 1 and more likely many phenomenal women. 

[Chadders]

@Hardkill I definitely see the far reaching consequences of the gamified world of app dating

As for the inequality between men and women in terms of matches etc, as a man you absolutely have to own your own terms in a relationship and communicate that. You have to be willing to let her go

As a man I see this as the only way to redress the balance to ensure dating and relationships work for you both. You’ll find you don’t really need her you just want her and it’s important that you set your terms for a relationship if she wants to be with you. She will respect that 

[Hardkill]

11 hours ago, LordFall said:

I don't agree with this premise. Culturally enforced monogamy is not a necessarily great thing. Freedom is harder at first but yields greater results and more satisfaction at the end. It's like if instead of being able to find a career/build a business/find a life purpose you were mandated to have the same job as your father and his father before him. It would make life easier and maybe you'd even happier over some periods of time. I wouldn't want to live like that though.

You now have to understand your society at large to understand what a good dating strategy is and understand yourself deeply to understand what you even want. 

What do you personally struggle with in our current dating culture? I used to have a hard time but my current social circle strategy is working quite well. I expect that in 12 months I should have a pretty phenomenal relationship with 1 and more likely many phenomenal women. 

Thanks for your response — I get where you're coming from. I’m not arguing for rigid, enforced monogamy or a return to outdated norms. As much as many men out there — especially conservative ones — wish for that to happen (and I admit I’ve had those thoughts at times too), that’s obviously never going to happen. And to be fair, there have been some real positives: women having more dating and sexual freedom than before, and men also not being forced to conform to strict traditional norms around dating, sex, and marriage.

My point is that when we removed structure from dating without replacing it with emotionally healthy cultural alternatives, we ended up with a highly deregulated, winner-takes-all system — much like neoliberal economics.

Yes, freedom can be fulfilling, but unstructured freedom without guidance or protection tends to concentrate success in the hands of a few — and leave many others feeling lost, lonely, or frustrated.

Personally, what I struggle with most is how disconnected and transactional things feel today — how hard it is to find emotionally open, grounded people who genuinely want connection. It’s not just about effort; it’s about how broken the broader incentives and culture have become.

Glad your strategy is working, though. I hope it leads to something deep and meaningful.

[CARDOZZO]

There are ways to beat these factors. 

Insight, understanding, knowledge, creativity, action.

If you are really serious about business and women, learn new languages and make business out of America.

There are thousands of woman out there wanting a "gringo" to have a beautiful family, especially in Asia/Latin America.

Edited yesterday at 07:00 PM by CARDOZZO

[Tenebroso]

We are just returning back to a more natural order. When women are free then we have the world we have now. Women naturally find most men repulsive and not fit for mating or even just dating. They had to deal with men in the past due to social and economic pressures but those restrictions are gone at least in the west and they are not coming back.

The solution is not to force women into the roles of the past through laws and coercion. We should teach young boys not to expect to have a family or love life growing up and we should legalize polygamy so that the attractive, high status men can marry all the women they are involved with. Women form harems around attractive men when they are free, we should let them do it. This is what they want. Women have the power in the west; situationships, friends with benefits, hookup culture, one night stands exist because women when they are free actively choose to engage in these activities. 

[Leo Gura]

It is fantasy that dating was ever equal.

Dating has never been communism. Dating is literally about creating as much inequality as possible.

Everyone has always dated the best they can.

Edited 22 hours ago by Leo Gura

[Jodistrict]

Dating has changed dramatically for the average man.  Up until the 1960s, if a man had a job and a car he was highly desirable.  The girl next store was enthusiastic about marrying him so she could get away from her father.   Today, even normal successful men are complaining they are invisible and women are pursuing the top 10% of men.   Rich men can offer unlimited entertainment during what use to be child bearing years.  Of course, the trajectory of winner take all neoliberal capitalism is going to eventually commodify access to women, which in their terms would be considered a valuable resource.  The gamified dating apps take further advantage of the losers by getting a monopoly over access to play a rigged game.   To the unregulated capitalists we are all resources and objects to be exploited. 

Edited 21 hours ago by Jodistrict

[CARDOZZO]

Forget about apps. Go to places that you like and start conversations. Do not sell your soul for sex. You will find out that having a woman to talk deeply about things is far more interesting, building real intimacy and profound connection. 

[Hardkill]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

It is fantasy that dating was ever equal.

Dating has never been communism. Dating is literally about creating as much inequality as possible.

Everyone has always dated the best they can.

2 hours ago, Jodistrict said:

Dating has changed dramatically for the average man.  Up until the 1960s, if a man had a job and a car he was highly desirable.  The girl next store was enthusiastic about marrying him so she could get away from her father.   Today, even normal successful men are complaining they are invisible and women are pursuing the top 10% of men.   Rich men can offer unlimited entertainment during what use to be child bearing years.  Of course, the trajectory of winner take all neoliberal capitalism is going to eventually commodify access to women, which in their terms would be considered a valuable resource.  The gamified dating apps take further advantage of the losers by getting a monopoly over access to play a rigged game.   To the unregulated capitalists we are all resources and objects to be exploited. 

Two things can be true at the same time — which is something I’m still learning as part of the broader concept of non-duality and/or duality.

Of course, dating has never been completely equal, nor will it ever be, just as a system like communism would (theoretically) aspire to create.

However, @Jodistrict makes a valid point: older generations, on average, didn’t complain nearly as much about finding or maintaining long-term relationships as younger generations do today.

Feminism and women’s rights over the last 4 to 5 decades have been a double-edged sword. On the one hand, these movements empowered women to say no to men who were bad for them or simply incompatible, and gave them fairer opportunities in nearly every aspect of life. Plus, women’s sexual satisfaction has generally improved across generations.

On the other hand, these shifts have also contributed to women becoming, on average, less traditionally feminine than previous generations, developing much higher standards than ever before, and feeling lonelier and more lost in the modern dating world.

The media landscape — especially the rise of online dating and dating apps — has turbocharged women’s options, particularly for the most attractive women, in ways never seen before.

Most men now have to compete more than ever before.

Btw Leo, you’ve pointed out how hypercapitalism erodes consciousness. Well, a hyper-commodified sexual market does something similar — it reduces people to utility, status, and looks. That’s not freedom, that’s algorithmic determinism.

In fact, I fear that excessive dating and sexual inequality can become undemocratic because it undermines social cohesion, creates resentment, and fosters the conditions for radicalism, demagoguery, and anti-democratic backlash.

Edited 19 hours ago by Hardkill

[Leo Gura]

10 hours ago, Hardkill said:

older generations, on average, didn’t complain nearly as much

That is true because in the past people were less spoiled and less demanding for personal gratification. People would settle for the first person they slept with.

Today it is impossible to be happy because everyone is looking to maximize personal happiness and there are endless options and much more freedom.

It's easy to be married when life has a gun to your head.

Blaming this on feminism is a sucker's move. The improvement of material survival conditions of society as a whole leads to freedom and also spoilage. Men today are very spoiled playing video games all day instead of socializing.

Edited 9 hours ago by Leo Gura

[Spiral]

It’s a negative spiral.

Men find women less appealing romantically, this makes men lose motivation and ambition in general. This makes these men less appealing to women, whom in turn become more independent, traditionally masculine and in the eyes of many men even less appealing.

Rinse and repeat.

These sort of thing typically last about 40-50 years in total.

Edited 10 hours ago by Spiral

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Spiral said:

It’s a negative spiral.

Of course you'd say that.

[Jodistrict]

Blaming men for not socializing is feeding into the myth of the individual.   In reality, the society is making people more isolated and the individual has less control than he thinks.  There is no longer a sense of solidarity for the collective.   The sexual revolution promised sexual liberation but actually did the opposite.  Because a woman’s sexuality is a valuable resource subject to control, manipulation, and exploitation.  Freedom means freedom to fulfill one’s desires which is actually slavery.   The modern world is turning us all into resources and objects and it is getting hard to find someone that cares about anything beyond their own desires.    

[Spiral]

@Leo Gura haha because it’s my name? 
 

I don’t know if I’d blame feminism or even say it a bad thing long term. It’s different and a lot of guys struggle. That’s all.

[Hardkill]

15 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

That is true because in the past people were less spoiled and less demanding for personal gratification. People would settle for the first person they slept with.

Today it is impossible to be happy because everyone is looking to maximize personal happiness and there are endless options and much more freedom.

It's easy to be married when life has a gun to your head.

Blaming this on feminism is a sucker's move. The improvement of material survival conditions of society as a whole leads to freedom and also spoilage. Men today are very spoiled playing video games all day instead of socializing.

You're totally right that older generations "settled" more — because they had fewer options, stricter social roles, and more immediate survival concerns. And yes, material comfort has absolutely led to greater freedom, but also to spoiled expectations — in both men and women.

But I don’t think it’s just about "people being spoiled" or men "playing video games." That’s only part of it. There’s a much deeper existential and systemic breakdown underneath this.

Our generation is trying to create meaning and intimacy in a radically deregulated cultural and technological environment — where capitalism has commodified everything, including sex, love, and identity.

So yeah, we have freedom now — but with no clear guidance, no cultural guardrails, and algorithms that reward superficiality and infinite choice. That creates emotional paralysis and relational inequality, not just “spoiled people.”

You're right that “it was easier to be married when life had a gun to your head.” But the paradox is this: too much freedom without structure becomes its own form of suffering. It’s not a call to roll back feminism — it’s a call to build new collective frameworks for love, meaning, and connection.

So I’d say: both things are true. People today are more free and more lost. We’re living through the collapse of old relational paradigms, and the new ones haven’t emerged yet. This isn’t about blaming feminism or men’s choices — it’s about realizing we need more than freedom. We need wisdom to navigate it.