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The bliss didn’t last for long, but I remember and it was very blissful. I don’t wanna die all the time, like I’m fine right now. But sometimes I wanna die and am kinda depressed, I’d say I’m always just a little bit depressed. The reasons are quite weird so I don’t tend to write about it. But I can say I feel this severe disconnect from myself, kind of like depersonalization Thanks for asking

Hi All, First up, I'm not trying to tell you what you shouldn't do, all I want to do is post a warning based on my experience with Holotropic/Shamanic Breathing. I hope that you take heed of this advice and don't go through the intense involuntary healing that I have been through in the last 3 years. I had a strong desire for the spiritual path and had been meditating for 4 years, sometimes up to 4 hours per day but normally at least 1.5 hours. I felt pretty good and had no existing psychiatric issues (that I was aware of.....) In early 2019, I felt I was ready to speed up the process as I wanted to progress spiritually and felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. So I started Shamanic/Holotropic/Breath of Fire (It has many names). I started on 2 minutes and gradually worked up to 30 to 40 minutes per day over the course of many months. I was still meditating but not for as long as I had been. Everything was fine for many weeks without issues. I felt good and felt normal both physical and mentally. Then, one week I started to feel off, it is hard to describe but I just didn't feel right. Felt really tired and unhappy (I am normally a care free happy person). I immediately stopped the breathwork but continued to meditate. About 1 week after I stopped the breathing practices completely I was still feeling tired and just not right mentally. Then one day I was sitting is lotus posture and I suddenly felt really anxious for no reason and this incredibly uncomfortable energy started surging through me. I did not know at the time it was energy as I had never really felt it before but it was really uncomfortable. I couldn't sit still and I felt really anxious from the excess energy. I had no idea what was going on and ended up in hospital, I started screaming in hospital for no reason and almost had to be sedated (I am normally never like this, normally one of the most chilled out people around me). Anyway I was released a few hours later when the energy calmed down a bit. For the next 6 months this energy was with me all day everyday (even though I ceased all spiritual practices). I had trouble sleeping (I normally sleep like a baby). I felt extremely fatigued (I thought I had chronic fatigue) and could hardly get out of bed for weeks. I was close to panic attacks all the time. I was so scared and had no idea what was going on. I had to quit my job as I couldn't really function. Luckily I was financially prepared for this. It was only after I reached out to three meditation teachers who could "read my energy" were they able to advise I had awakened Kundalini. Kundalini was moving through my physical and subtle body cleaning out past traumas. Boy was it hard. You don't realize what lies in your subconscious until you open it haha. I then had a relatively stable period of 12 months with no symptoms and felt pretty good. I thought Kundalini had become dormant but now I know she was still active in the background. I then started doing something similar to straw breathing just to try and calm my system. I felt great for a few months. But then boom without any warning again I went from feeling great to these massive surges of energy running through me that still haven't really integrated fully with my system even after 7 months of no spiritual exercises. The negative impacts of my healing have been the following: - Intense suicidal depression (Never really been depressed at all in my life until I awoke Kundalini). Almost ended up in a psych ward a couple of times. The only things. Mostly when the energy surges were moving through my chest and heart area. - Intense ADHD, couldn't sit still almost all day for many months. (Never had ADHD before, I am normally more sloth like haha) - Intense sensitivity to people, unable to be around some people. - Intense weird mental states, hard to describe but they aren't very comfortable. - Insomnia. This was really bad in the first healing period but not so much the second, still not sleeping as much as I need to but it has improved. - Intense sensitivity to fasting and certain supplements. Fasting and magnesium amplifies the energy and it feels very uncomfortable. Positive impacts (a lot less than the negative ones so far.....) - When I close my eyes my body mostly disappears. I don't feel it at all the only thing I feel is the energy moving against blockages. - Body gradually feeling less and less like "me". A little bit scary. - Can feel expansion of aura around me. - Small periods of intense bliss. This can almost be a negative impact if too intense. - Small periods of seeing intense beauty in even the most simple things. - Heightened intuition. - Synchronicities at times. Not all the time but occasionally. - One 5 minute period where all my thoughts just stopped. My head was clear, this was very cool. Only had it once though. - Greater understanding of subtle energy in general. The two laws that you must always apply for safe use of it. I sought help from a few teachers, tried a few practices to help calm the energy and ground me but in the end the main thing is time as the energy integrates with your body and mind, this can only happen so fast and takes time. Acupressure helped a bit and also something called White Light Protection Visualization which you can find on the Kundalini subreddit. One respected Kundalini teacher had me try all sorts of herbs and exercises that seemed to do nothing or make it worse. So I have come to the conclusion that very few people actually are able to teach this sort of stuff if you have a spontaneous K awakening. I share this in the hopes that others healing journeys won't be so intense and involuntary as mine. I also want to thank all those have helped me in this journey so far, those seen and those unseen. Especially for helping me to keep my second job and family. Good links: https://www.reddit.com/r/kundalini/ - IMO the White Light Protection visualization should be done by everyone everyday. https://www.taraspringett.com/kundalini/healing-kundalini-symptoms-book/ - Some good info in this book. TLDR: Shamanic/Holotropic Breathing awakened my Kundalini without warning and gave me what is called Kundalini syndrome. I went through hell on earth as I was healing for the next 6 months then I went through A relatively stable period of 12 months and then the last 7 months have been by far the most difficult. Still healing from my past at a rate that is far from comfortable.

I hope and think so. The question is what you do in the meantime. Yeah thats a good plan, I try to do that. I did a bit of acting, wrote a few theatre monologues/ scenes, I really want to draw a few pictures I have in my mind, ... It's a bit of both probably but I think the depression or semi depression from social problems came first. I also realize that I am a very empathetic individual and not having deep bonds with people who I can help seems to be hurting me. It's not my LP I think but still an important and meaningful part of my life so chicken and egg in one it seems. I also get a lot of grounding in return. The social problems are a giant energy consumer, if I manage them the world will look a lot better I think. It's just that I also highly value very authentic friendships and it's not easy to find those. Maybe I am also overthinking and I dont need them that desperately. I feel like I am a bit in a hedgehog situation if you know the analogy of Schopenhauer. Yes, from what I understand with existential bliss I give myself that. It kept me intact through quite the storms but because it doesn't always solve practical issues its not a solution alone. I go to a adhd self help group regularly atm and there are moments of feeling so accepted and understood that I get nowhere else. Thats the practical direction that helps me more atm. I think everybody has social anxiety to some extend Its better when you are used to socializing regularly. Adhd can cause you to overthink about certain things as you can get a hyperfocus on slight social fuck ups and stuff. Of course I won't take your advice as medical advice or something like this. I think my thread is a bit heavy to approach especially with all the depression elements added on top so I very much appreacitate all the effort.

I am attempting to achieve unconditional happiness which does not depend on anything external. I achieved it for a few weeks 6 years ago. I can't understand why it left me. I thought it would be permanent. But for those few weeks I was in pure ecstasy and bliss.

Ultimately everything must be accepted, love, peace, beauty, wonder, fear, damage, death, torture, the stars, sunsets, Nazis, bliss, torment. From the highest possible beauty to the most depraved possible evil. Light, darkness. Purity, evil. Nothing can be rejected. Even separation is included in nonduality. If there is only one thing that has and will ever exist, it is not possible for that thing to not be anything

@Girzo I'll give you a simple instruction. Since most spirituality is solely based on pretending (a New Ager pretending to be intuitive and then voting for trump) or pretending through mental masturbation, or pretending the bliss any woman gets while taking a hot soothing bath on their period is "enlightenment", pretending they are either in a binary "enlightened" state or that they're on a generic "path" to nowhere, you may need something concrete and verifiable to finally crack open your perception, to deepen, heighten, widen your perception in a hypercomplex nonlinearly interconnected comprehension and higher force of real magic. People are so satiated by pretending and con artistry that they don't even EXPECT things to be the real deal, or expect there to be real magic and actual knowledge of consciousness or comprehension of perception. You stare at a wall without blinking for three hours. Go do it now. Then in a fully dark room watch the colors and scoop the colors onto your body, or watch the colors coming out of the body. Then watch dreams and devious entities start to appear out of the colors. If on day one the wall didn't do it for you on day two you can try using a candle, stare into it for three hours without blinking, then close your eyes and observe, for three hours. Then in a fully dark room you'll progress along stages, Like I've said before Stage One is akin to normal visual snow or sparkles. Stage Two is simple purple blobs. Stage Three is more complex purple blobs, sheets, more multicoloration. Stage Four is powerful sensations in the body like electricity or The Force with purple and black swirling and vortexing together, or some equivalently potent energy-form. There you might get shapeshifting, but so far it's probably only "micro-shapeshifting" like perceiving a third arm that extends into the sky or dozens of feet down below an overpass. Stage Five is like clear light or fluid. It's not just luminous anymore, it's reflective, and the visions on surfaces might look like it's made of the same stuff as the normal world. There's also an elusive Stage Six that's so complex and varied and unassailable you could just call it ectoplasm, like the stuff from Ghostbusters or Poltergeist. The black stuff is negative energy from inorganic beings. But you could use infinite intelligence not just as a knowledge but as a power, the intelligence or force behind things existing is interactive. But there are more specific forces, like the light you first see when you do trataka or the electricity you feel doing pranayama may be the same force passing through the body, but the black stuff is something else, and the fluid in the ectoplasm is something else. Reality is not just materialism and ordinary human consciouness . . . + God. To understand the Absolute you have to actually understand the relative, otherwise you'll just have a deluded purely intellectual masturbatory understanding of the Absolute and pretending to be doing something significant. When you could have real magic.

During the last session, The shackles of the mind were released. The conditions have been broken. It's amazing how much beauty has a reality around us, but we can not see it through our conditions. Everything was beautiful, vivid, amazing. My eyes were full of joy, life, innocence, happiness and gratitude for being alive. I felt the mind slowly sinking more and more in the present moment. I laid out on the lawn and looked up at the sky, it all became so obvious ... It was so obvious that I am not the body ... that it will soon die ... It's an amazing paradox. There is no such thing as human life ... We are a void that experiences itself through the human body. Woaaah .... I understood that there is only an organism and a consciousness that is perfect. I decided to go home. All the time I was accompanied by the beauty that I admired. When I saw the sunset, I almost cried. This can not be described. So this is real reality? Does it have so much beauty in itself? It's hard to believe it ... I sat in my training room, turned on the music and immersed in myself. I had some internal insights that were amazing. I experienced fractions of Samadhi's states when I was the whole moment, unidentified with my ego ... What a bliss ... For a second I felt the absolute of consciousness and tears came to me. It was indescribable.. I went to the mirror and looked into my eyes - shining with happiness, innocence and an inner child. Eyes of joy. I decided to go outside. As soon as I opened the door of the house and saw everything, I could not believe in amazement. How all this is magical ... Amazing ... Mysterious ... The streets looked like on another planet ... This is another thing that can not be described ... All lights, stars ... our life is the greatest gift you can get, the biggest a form of love, just a question of whether human can notice it ... I thought about my life. Important Lessons. Life is a present moment. Our human life is just a joke. We are a void that experiences itself through the human body. You have to accept death and live life to the fullest while our body is able to. Life is the greatest gift you can get. The largest form of love. The emptiness that accompanies us has a huge amount of happiness and joy. Pure Hapiness is effortless when nothing is left but a calm mind. Beauty is everywhere. The entire universe is a manifestation of love. It is sad that through the filters of the mind acquired by his human experience, man is unable to see the truth.

Fair and beautifully said. But if all I have is direct experience, and everything in my direct experience is impermanent, yet my direct experience itself is absolute, then the only conclusion I can take from that is indeed infinite dreaming. And if I can't take a conclusion from my direct experience, than I can never know. I have only had one mystical insight in my life and it was knowing with absolute certainty that my consciousness is invincible and absolute and therefore everything is imaginary. It was psychedelic induced. I predict it wasn't nearly as deep as you advanced psychonauts have had experiences, however those insights were absolute and I can't see how I ever thought that my consciousness was mortal and not absolute. I'll be honest and say that I'm wondering about consciousness after the physical dissolution, because there are probably not many adventures left for me in this body. My jaw is getting locked more by the day and I'm getting muscle cramps more frequently and chronic neck pain is increasing in ferocity. The relation between the body and consciousness is becoming more interesting to me. My mind wants to live life like a raging bull but my body is breaking down. And like I said I have become conscious that the body is imaginary yet the entire dream of life is the fucking body. It all feels so random and nihilistic yet I can't deny the absolute beauty of life and the world even when life and the world is becoming a horror show. And to be honest I don't even know what I desire anymore. My ego would say a life filled with adventures, sex and health, and all other ego cliches that I would list here. My higher self desires the egoless bliss free from the desires of the body. I'm confused, since both seem to be a pipe dream, at least while alive. I guess that is why I've grown to have an obsession with death over the years.

LIke I said a RARE FEW, there are some but the majority will fail at Realization or Tapping into their Potential via the Suffering Route. Pain will always exist in life, losses, disappointments, deaths, destructions, but Suffering it is a choice, some cannot avoid the suffering as the pain is too great but this is not the majority, if it was nothing would get done! I for one do not want to Suffer at all, I've had enough Suffering for this lifetime, Bliss is the path for Me, at the least Peace, get Peaceful before any thoughts on Enlightenment, Realization or tapping into any form of Human Potential, if that is not there as One's foundation, then like I said nothing significant (Potential being exposed) will happen!!!

Yeah, there's no end to it, that's how it must be. Even if God wanted to put a stop to it, that would be impossible, because it's an inseparable part of Being. The one thing God can't do is not be God. As we speak new infinities of evil and chaos are being spawned into existence. But also infinities of beauty and bliss, if you want to make that distinction. Your fears have validity, in the human context, but eventually, if you're called to it, that paralyzing fear will have to be faced, and beyond it will be Love.

Example: You wake up everyday in chronic pain. The body is not working properly in various ways. And there's no solution. That is now your life. Permanently. The quality of every moment of your life is affected by this. Every experience you have is Tainted for life. What happens is then you're forced learn to not care that you're suffering. And be okay with it. While a normal person is living and bathing in premium biology and natural hormonal drugs that they have no idea is even happening. And when you lose these natural drugs your body is flooding your system with, you experience a brutal soberness to life. There is no Grand Awakening and enlightenment to alleviate this, it's always going to be hard until you die. You're only allowed to sit there and Bliss out if your body gives you the drugs to do so. You need premium biology to be blissing out.

To let go of desires you have to follow a certain code of conduct. This is the manure by which the rose of love will blossom. ~ Sri Sri Ravi Shankar Love is a state of mind where self interests are removed. The mind dwells in its natural state of sat-chit-ananda - existence, consciousness, bliss. Love is not created; it is a mental state which develops by living a disciplined life and developing positive qualities. Human ego is very attracted to negative qualities, so it needs much austerity to develop positive qualities. ~ Baba Hari Dass Love is connected to virtues. Virtues create love within the self and within others. When virtues reduce, the quality of love is also reduced. When all virtues are present, there is complete and pure love. ~ Dadi Janki, Brahmakumaris

@Salariatu I think this is just wrong. The ego is agent Smith. The soul is binding you to your reality and is there before your identity is constructed and will be there after your identity deconstructs. Its your bliss body. Its always happy and can contort its self like saran wrap. It can get crinkled and that skews your world view. God loves something. Your soul is Gods best friend. It needs it to exist. When I awaken I see how much God needs the soul, without the soul which is you, God is nothing and it has nothing to love. Once you see God you see God is nothing but love but it dosent have anything to love it makes you the soul to visit reality and be Gods friend. If someone thinks the soul isnt real to me, is saying nothing is real. Ultimately true but the second you make the threshold between soul-God there are 0 concepts. So to me by talking you are saying the soul is real. And using it and its limits to say its not real. It dosen't make any logical sense. God cant talk to itself. You are using language to talk to say you cant talk. You exist in another dimension before God as you, and you can explore it, as you, and you cant die. God created your soul to love it forever. This is like if we were in the matrix and asking is the matrix real? Yes its real. It is reality and it exists as you can see it and interact with it. Its an information system and the body is an information gatherer. Your soul takes metaphysical concepts and applies them to itself to act as an actor on the planet and believe it to be real. If God did this to itself everyone would be that same personality and saying the same thing at the same time. A dream is real the matrix is real its just another extension of something ultimately not real and completely spiritual.

Well, maybe you're just early in this process of self discovery. Things might clear up along the journey. But if you're not excited about much, i don't know how much of what i can say would be of help. I'm a very passionate individual, so that makes it almost easy for me to come up / find a life purpose. But maybe more difficult to relate to your situation in that respect at least. At the same time, you say you have many things that kind of interest you, so that's good! Maybe exploring some of that will eventually lead to a point where you're clearer about your LP. There is this idea by cal newport which he calls "career capital" which is basically that the better you become at your chosen field or domain of mastery, it will be easier to find / come up with a mission. And a sense of mission is really a core aspect of LP. And so if you explore a few things, like let's say for the next couple of years maybe you distribute 3000 hours of skill points over 3 things. Maybe 500 1, 500 in a 2nd thing, and 2000 in a 3rd thing you ended up being more drawn to. At that point maybe you'll find like 'wow i'm starting to get really good at this shit', and then you might find that a mission will arise for you organically. But if your issue now is mental health and you find that is maybe what's mainly getting in the way of finding any genuine connection with a passion or potential purpose, maybe you need to sort that stuff out first, insofar as you haven't. At the same time, i suspect a lot of people are depressed precisely because they are disconnected from their values, main strengths and any meaningful creative outlet (essentially life purpose). But it's kind of a chicken and egg thing, you know. Like which one came first? The depression or the disconnection from creative outlet / LP? Maybe it's a bit of both. In that case maybe you'll find that you'll start feeling better as you become more and more aligned with your higher values, as you improve at things that uses your top strengths and as you work towards contributing towards something you care about (even if it's only that you care only a little bit at the beginning). Maybe by healing others you'll heal yourself. Healing through existential bliss is beautiful, so maybe giving that gift to others will be giving that same gift to yourself Are you giving that gift to yourself by the way? And about the mental health thing. I can't relate to the depression part, but i can relate to some extent to the social stuff. While i wasn’t bullied, i have social anxiety for some reason. And there was the adhd stuff as I mentioned. That's really all I had to say about that i guess lol Anyway, just feel like also giving like a disclaimer since in part i was offering some guidance or tried to say a few hopefully helpful things, I'm not an expert or anything, just a friend or fellow self-actualizer sharing my thoughts.

Yes and No.. The only Basic Condition to be in a constant state of Peace, Happiness or Bliss is a HIgh Level of Consciousness.. What this means is Your Living mostly in the NOW, not ruled by the Past/Memory (this takes away all trauma, and is multi leveled), or Future/Imagination, You still use these faculties but they don't rule You, You rule them, most ppl are Ruled by their Memory and Imaginations.. Your Completely Accepting of What Is, this stops all Stress Response, you cannot be Accepting and Stressed out, only when You are Resisting What Is does the Stress Response happen..Next is Responding to Life rather than Reacting, this means You Respond to whatever is happening in Your Life Equally, rather than to just what You Like or Love, if You do this then the Intensity of Your Life Experience will increase vastly.. As well Your Internal Energies (Kundalini) has to be actively Intense and centered in the higher up Chakras.. Once those things are inplace You are Blissful of Your own nature, this doesn't mean Your incapable of Pain or even Suffering, it just means it is Your Choice of How to Experience Life in any given Moment, if You want to be Happy You can, and its unconditional, not dependent on any External Event...

@Leo Gura the quote was deep, controversial, but deep nonetheless. It will take me a few weeks to contemplate it. I find myself becoming fearful whilst waking up to deeper corruptions within conventional social systems that ground society. Like, how am I supposed to even live a “human” life knowing corruption is at every turn? It’s not Iike I can unimagine my human-ness (deeper than that, I AM the one imagining it.) The saying ‘Ignorance is bliss’ couldn’t be more truer for me now. But I have faith/intuition that there are higher forms of bliss to discover on this journey, fully embracing varying degrees of existential crisis along the way is imperative at this point.

I have had periods in which Ive been really deep into meditation and self inquiry, and have experienced partial moments of bliss (not anywhere close to enlightenment). But I have also had two depersonalization episodes, which were horrendous to say the least. Lately Ive been a little lazy with my spiritual work, and while asking myself why I had been lagging so much, I realized that it is sheer fearfulness. After experiencing a dark form of quasi-enlightenment (depersonalization episode) or whatever you want to call it, and feeling an emptiness in which nothing could ground me, and coming back from that experience (thankfully), the thing I was most grateful for was the fact that I had an ego with which I could navigate the world. I am literally clinging to my ego with all my strength, because the experience I had when losing it (or almost losing it) was absolute hell. Now with that said, there is another side of me that does crave the pursuit of true spiritual liberation, something very unlike the dark episodes I went through. I do want to start Yoga and restart meditation and self inquiry. How should I proceed with this?

1. 4:43 - Knowing what is and experiencing a Samadhi / mystical experience 2. 6:12 - No-self 3. 8:05 - I AM 4. 11:35 - Omnipresence 5. 13:04 - Realizing what consciousness is 6. 14:33 - Realizing what is awakening 7. 16:54 - Oneness or non-duality 8. 19:31 - Realizing what is Truth 9. 20:30 - Realizing what is the Absolute 10. 21:37 - Absolute Infinity 11. 23:06 - Absolute Nothingness 12. 24:25 - Knowing why is there something rather than nothing 13. 25:51 - Knowing what is God 14. 26:45 - The Godhead 15. 27:06 - Realizing You are God 16. 29:41 - Self = Other 17. 32:46 - Realizing what is Love 18. 35:45 - Realizing everything is imaginary (All is Mind) 19. 38:35 - Self-Design 20. 40:49 - Realizing what your birth really is 21. 42:42 - Eternity / No-Time / Absolute Now 22. 44:10 - Realization of what is Death and Immortality 23. 46:15 - Paradise / Heaven / Perfection 24. 47:51 - Bliss / Ecstasy 25. 49:29 - Infinite Intelligence 26. 53:26 - Absolute Goodness 27. 54:28 - Realizing what is Will (Infinite Will of God) 28. 58:10 - Omniscience 29. 59:18 - Divinity / Magic / Mystery 30. 1:01:05 - Realizing what is Being 31. 1:02:14 - Realizing Universe is an Infinite Fractal 32. 1:02:39 - Realizing what is Perception 33. 1:03:14 - Realizing what is Life 34. 1:04:29 - Realizing the point of Existence Bonus facets: 1. 1:05:19 - Channeling / Communication with God 2. 1:06:03 - Healing 3. 1:06:44 - Collective Consciousness 4. 1:07:13 - Total Extinction of Perception 5. 1:07:43 - Paranormal Phenomena 6. 1:08:22 - Alien Entities

Yes is fucking terrifying I wonder how many people here that say they are "awake" will gracefully die like is nothing. Time of surrendering the body is the test of fire in that moment you can really know how much consciousness beyond normal physicality you have, there´s no better test than that one. Although I have to say intuition tells me once that you pass that phase incredible Bliss is at the other side, at least for those ones that have earned it. (That in the case you don´t reincarnate and have to go through some other bullshit 70-80 years more) Seems fun, uh? Great post by the way @Someone here

Im so glad I dropped “psychedelic awakening” a while ago. What a joke compared to bliss love and joy of walking the spiritual path with integrity, patience, and trust. Psychedelics to awaken is just your ego wanting to control and know. Consider that true awakening is nothing like that. It’s not terrifying and you don’t want to go back, it’s like being home, it’s stable, your held, it’s loving. This whole, dreaming up everyone else is utter garbage. It’s probably the reason Leo went into this weird spiral and no longer makes powerful content. His shit was way better when he was sober and just tinkering with psychedelics. Honestly I think psychedelics were his downfall. Trapped him into his own echo chamber and delusion. it’s a shame. Fuck psychedelics. Everything is God anyway, now do you have the balls, discipline, and trust to unravel that through your OWN consciousness and practices (yoga contemplation meditation) or are you going to suck on your 5 MEO vape like a baby to a tit? Psychedelics are child’s play and when your drugs wear off they don’t mean shit, as you clearly explained here. True God realization is subtle yet infinite. True practitioners take years and decades to integrate their awakening. None of the great masters ever credit psychedelics and they have been around as long as humans have. Sure it’s much longer to walk the path yourself, less flashy. But it’s real. The only thing I agree with you about is to enjoy the dream and not rush it. Let the movie play out. But thinking your awake or realized is a fucking joke (sorry) PSYCHEDELICS ARE PSYCHIC MASTURBATION

@Loveeee great episode...and what is perception is one of his best for actually awakening....but here goes...No self. You are the Self. Infinity. You are infinity. The Absolute. You are the Absolute. Everything. You are Everything. Nothingness, You are nothing. Onenes. You are other. Divinity. You are Divinity. And the substance of all of this - is Love. I am..I IS!! Oops..I forgot Infinite intelligence- Omniscience. You are Awareness. You have a complete understanding of Self and reality. Bliss is part of awakening. And lots and lots of tears and crying. You?

One Devotee: Ma, I don’t feel good with anything. MA: The fact is that there is nothing to feel good with; because you are verily the form of bliss. How could partial happiness bind you? The taste of bliss in totality is there within you. All of you have the taste of satchidananda within (the ultimate reality which is existence-consciousness-bliss) and are searching for that bliss in the world. Sometimes you think that happiness is in wealth, in dignity and in sons and daughters - likewise bearing in mind one or the other such notion you are wondering around; but none of these things are capable of giving you the bliss of satchidananda. That is why you are not at peace, cannot feel well permanently with anything - MA.

I think some women make their own appearance their identity or something, me included. I am not sure if it's really healthy or not. But it feels cozy and romantic. It's like a young person thing. I can't believe that I'm still heavily attached to the idea of beauty. There's something pristine and pure about it. It's artistic, beautiful, charming. I'm usually attracted (I mean I used to) to good looking men. But it has to be a package of sorts. Looks along with character and persona. I'm lucky that I dated some of the best looking guys in my life. They were also romantic and hot. Like a movie. Hollywood and pop culture generally has a huge impact on people, it certainly has been on me. You feel like life should be colorful, life should be bright. I guess the more you suffer, the more you cling to life. In my heart i wanted to be the conquest of a man. I wanted to feel that masculine energy. I wanted to be dominated in a relationship. I wanted to be a plaything. Life is so beautiful and magical with a partner. Maybe I'm a bit immature. Because I don't take children into consideration. So life appears romantic to me. Yea I used to watch a lot of movies as a kid. It excited me, especially romantic movies. Whats the most tempting thing to me about beauty? The eyes of a woman. I like beautiful eyes. They excite me. They make me feel I wanna stare at them for hours. Lost into them. Imagining as though I'm talking to them and they are talking to me. My husband has very beautiful emotional romantic eyes. I like cute eyes on people. I often look at people and I want to communicate with them through eyes alone. I want to know what they feel. Especially beautiful eyes. I want to see an ocean in them. They're the windows to the soul after all. I wish I had a lot of money. Then I would walk around in a park handing an ice cream to everyone there every evening. Just to bring a smile on their faces. Make them feel better. Let them have a great time enjoying a free ice cream. Something about people attracts me. Some people are so cool and chill and gracious, never offended, never afraid, never bothered. They create beautiful families and domestic bliss. I chase that dream. I am a dream chaser. In my apartment I see lots of people having a happy time. Not miserable at all. But one thing is certain. Most people need resources to be genuinely happy. I mean these are rich people. When I see poor people, they are generally sad and frustrated. That's understandable. But even in their struggle, there's some beauty. I appreciate folks who are dirt poor, they keep a smile on their faces and work hard and still try to bring happiness to their children. They still bring beauty to life even if life is so unfair to them. I don't even know how they do it, but they do it. I'm like cheers. I came from a poor family as well. Sadly I wasn't that fortunate. There was always chaos at home.

@Ishanga I'd like that you understand the difference between truth and lie. It's not about doing good things and being happy, blissful, etc. Why according you it's impossible being blissful and deceived? Who said that? Spiritual work is not about bliss, is about truth

today sucks and I feel hopeless. I want to die, no I won't do it, it's just nice to imagine. Going back to God, the end of all problems (?), oneness with the infinite, eternal bliss (?) At least I'm not suicidal over no women anymore . Now it's just the fact that my life sucks and I actively make it worse with thc. 12 hours sober .