Search the Community

Introduction Last week I took 300ug of LSD, mostly with the intention to confront fears I encountered during previous trips. Those included: After serious ego loss and intense fear of death arising, fighting to have a purpose for my life, as if that was what would save me from death. The reasoning was, as silly as it sounds: “if I can’t come up with a reason for my existence right now, I will die”. A tribalistic paranoia, fear of being discovered by someone, fear of being closed in the room and someone else being in the apartment, fear that someone is behind me. Fear during the state where I don’t know anything, I literally don’t remember anything at all, what my name is, who I am, etc. Fear of reality “simplifying itself” to the point of death, fear of being motionless / falling asleep during the trip because I think I will die. Fundamentally, fear of death. To counter these, my focus was to: “Let Death into my heart”; Open the gates Accept being purposeless, that it is okay and I will not die Accept no identity and not remembering anything, that it is okay as well Relax and feel into being safe in God Confront other key fears listed above I simplified these points of focus, wrote them out on pieces of paper and laid them in front of me, so that I would come back to them throughout the trip. Moreover, since I always experience profound feelings of Self-definition during my trips, my intention was to focus on 3 key archetypes/energies which are important to me right now, once the identity was gone, to program myself: I am a Man. I achieve my Goals. I Act. I am an Artist. I express my Voice. I Create. I am a Sage. I nourish my Peace. I Meditate. I said goodbyes to my gf I live with, closed myself off in my room for 3 hours and went from there. Throughout the entire trip I wrote in my notebook. I mostly sat on the floor, surrounded by a few sheets of paper, and took everything in, while observing myself and responding to fears. Key Awakenings I don’t exist For the first time, I really awakened to the fact that I don’t exist. This was during the beginning of the trip. I was writing a stream of consciousness in the notebook and I asked the question: “Do I even exist?”. The question reached my awareness and suddenly I was completely dumbstruck. My jaw dropped. My initial reaction was like “Of course I exist!!!”. But I looked and there was no me. Mindfuck. After that, so much energy started emanating from me I thought everyone around me in the residential block was feeling it. It was incredible. Nothing I saw utter Nothingness. It was like I was in a completely empty Void. There was NOTHING satisfying about it for me. I was scared of the truth being negative in some way. In retrospect, I see that I wanted to discover SOMETHING. I wanted to discover some kind of divine love, inspiration, hope, reason. I wanted nothingness to be something good… but no. No love, no hope, NOTHING. It was exactly what it was. Nothingness. Devoid of any features. I saw it clearly, and it was humbling. I AM; SOMETHING is there And yet, in spite of seeing that I don’t exist, of not remembering anything about me and after seeing the Nothingness, I later felt that something was calling to me. It was as if it was hidden behind some veil, completely inaccessible to me. There was SOMETHING there, and it was ALIVE. I wrote in my notebook: I am SOMETHING. But what? This SOMETHING was instantaneous. I felt that I was it, but I was in no control of it. It was Same to me, and yet completely Other. It was writing things through me, without my conscious intent. For the first time, I felt MYSELF so clearly. I AM. Still, I don’t yet understand the dynamics of it. But I feel there is something amazing to be found there, and I’m excited about that. “Alien” vibration penetrating me Okay, so this is another thing that’s been difficult for me in previous trips, which I forgot about. Maybe I cut it out of my memory due to the great discomfort associated with it. Lately, each time I take LSD and lose my identity completely, I feel penetrated by some weird, “alien”, unifying vibration, by which I feel raped, used, taken advantage of. Feeling it, I feel like I’ve made some big mistake taking LSD. I feel possessed. At times, I feel something is taking control of me and I’m acting in weird, unpredictable manners, which is scaring me. During this trip, this happened when I was very high-level, and later on each time I focused on accepting the fear of dying and being no one. I felt this foreign vibration running through me. I felt discomfort, but I tried to persevere. I was set on confronting any fear and letting go of myself. Still, I felt taken advantage of. I don’t have good words to describe it, but that energy was weird, alien-like, sexual, foreign, flowing through me when I let go. If I had to describe it visually, I felt it as something white with 8 eyes, spanning through the entire visual field, inhuman, all-unifying, sexual, flowing. But I might as well be bullshitting myself, that’s not the point. The most important thing is: I don’t know yet what it is, and how to deal with this. I know I must separate my feelings about it from the actual thing, and it’s difficult because I feel great discomfort towards it. I’m wondering whether I can start approaching it differently and experience more positive feelings towards it. She is Other to me Close to the end of the trip, I contemplated what my girlfriend is. I was like: “Well, of course she is me. Right?”. And I tried “looking into her”. But to my surprise, she was completely inaccessible to me. She was Other to me. “Wait… how can she be Other to me, if we are the Same?!” It was a mindfuck to realize others are the Same and Other at the same time. I gained a new level of respect for my girlfriend, in particular. Later, I told her: “I respect you, because I can’t reach you with my mind. You are, and always will be, a Mystery to me. I see you differently now.” This can refer to Reality in general. What I said in the “I AM; SOMETHING is there” section: that SOMETHING was also completely Other to me, even though I was It. Maybe that SOMETHING is in everything I see, including my girlfriend. I think that theoretically, I could realize that I can’t reach anything I see with my mind, and that everything is a Mystery, not just my gf - but that’s beyond the scope of that trip. Miscellaneous I felt the above 5 sections were the most distinct, content-packed and worth sharing. Besides these, I experienced other things/awakenings/insights, such as: “Everything stems from the fact that I’m afraid of Death”. Feeling that I’m always running away from myself. I am this Dream which is leading itself Will/Intention being instantaneous and action in reality “lagging behind”, I was a bit impatient about it “Being the furthest away (from “life-content”), you can’t do anything but love.” “I want to be someone in this world. I want to express my Voice.” I felt like I’m not worthy, not “someone” enough. I want to fix something in myself all the time. Can’t I just love myself? At one point, I felt it was hard for me to stay in the body. I was walking around the room and felt so much energy accumulating in me, I thought I’d die. This single thing made me consider reducing dosing in the future. Looking at my hand felt overwhelming at one point, as if God was beaming its full energy at my face. I was looking away. Also, holding the fully stretched hand close to my face, I felt as if it was completely surrounding me. I was scared of it. Loss of consciousness was disappointing at one point. I was on such a high level. I felt cheated going “down”. I felt the “earthly” life was such an insignificant dream/illusion and it was for low-consciousness idiot beings. But this feeling passed quite quickly. At the end of the trip, I focused on manifesting what I want in life - among others, the 3 key archetypes I mentioned in the intro Focusing on the fact that I REALLY wanted the best for myself, that I wanted happiness in life, I wanted hope, inspiration, energy, I wanted to live and accomplish, that I wanted everything to be alright in the end. Key lessons & how to proceed Next time, I will strive to not want anything from NOTHING and to love it for what it is. Unsatisfying, unborn, raw, pure truth. I can see the fact that it's unsatisfying as actually the best thing about it. Shows me my bias perfectly. Focus on looking deeper into SOMETHING behind the veil. I feel there’s something important there for me to find. Perhaps, this is where I can genuinely discover God/Infinite Love for the first time. Seems plausible, given how this SOMETHING felt to me during this trip. I had God-realizations before, but it was more about me being God - never before did I discover God/Love/Intelligence which is „Alive” and Other to me. Understand my feelings of being taken advantage of by the „alien” vibration. Can I change my relation to it? Is it growth to accept this „foreign” energy penetrating me? Should I learn to be submissive, is that the way? What is this „alien” vibration? Goal: Learn to love and receive it. Experiment with being submissive and accepting something „foreign”. Fuck it, if it’s growth, I want it, I don’t care. Consider lowering my LSD dose to 225ug Consider trying a different psychedelic soon, probably DMT Outro Thanks for reading. If you have any comments, feel free to share. Peace! I got the Magic in me! 🌟

It's pure awareness. It's hard to explain unless you've had a direct experience (usually on psychedelics). Imagine your entire current reality - everything you see, hear, feel, and think. Notice how all of it is contained within your perception? That container - the one that holds the present moment - is consciousness. It's awareness. It's absolute purity. It's nothingness. It's God. Think of it like this: if I wanted to build a container to hold a ball, what kind of container would it be? Probably round, maybe flexible, maybe firm enough to support the ball's weight. Now, imagine I want to hold water - I'd need a watertight vessel. For fire, maybe a lantern or a fireproof bowl. To hold sound, I’d need a space that could echo or absorb vibration. Now think bigger - what kind of container could hold anything? Not just one object, but infinite objects. Not just things, but time, space, experience, emotion - the entire reality you're perceiving right now. That container would have to be absolutely formless yet capable of taking any form. It would have to be infinitely adaptable, unbounded, and ever-present. That container - the one that is always there, holding your experience no matter what it is - is awareness. It's the ultimate observer. It's God. The most direct access to God is through your mind, through your perception. Strip away everything around you - your surroundings, your thoughts, even your sense of self. Just focus on the raw ability to perceive, to witness, to simply be aware. That silent observer behind it all - the one that's just there, holding every experience - that pure experiencer is God.

Words can become obstacles. Absolute = God = One/Infinite Mind = Nothingness

I kinda disagree with this. If one has a profound understanding of the nature of Reality, that is all One, it's all Consciousness, it's all God, it's all You/Me, then one understands that anything in Reality is exactly how it is designed to be. No matter what is occurring Now, is what God is making itself to be, and it can't be any other way than what it is. Anything that Reality is, is all equal, as it's all Consciousness, Nothingness. It's all equally meaningless. So if reality is being part of a cult, or running a cult and having 'followers', that is what God/Consciousness wanted to be. And it's just as nothingness, meaningless, a dream, as anything else it could be.

One is really Infinity (same as 0, or Nothingness) Hard to express with numbers.

Yes. The limited mind is an unstoppable meaning making machine: I know what this means. I suggest as a pointer, the only meaning to ponder usefully is, what is this for? Do I seek to keep all this alive or do I want to break free. When I ask what does this table mean, that is the question I contemplate. From this perspective everything has one meaning. I put this here so I could see its nothingness giving me yet another shot at seeing everythingness.

God is not nothingness, the source of reality is openenss. It's not something nor nothing, it's absence of limitations. From that infinite dimensions inevitably arise. They never begun and just now you are that. You can't understand the source of reality positively, if you do, it isn't. The path of negation inevitably leads to limitlessness as the foundation of everything. It is not being, not consciousness, not unity, not emptiness, not totality, not witness. It is absolute openness, non-obstruction, the unnameable that allows all forms without being any. From this arise being, non-being, consciousness, love, life, death, intelligence, god, as relative manifestations. Being is relative, without relation there is not being. Not being is so real than being, but being is, let's say, evident. Being is just appearance, same than god. Appearance means something that arises. Even it arises always, its relative. The only absolute is limitlessness . Not being are the infinite potential relationships that are not possible, being are what are possible Then, to be one with your nature you have to detach yourself totally from everything, even from being and conciousness. What you are is no limit, anything else is a relation that arises from this . Even the infinite being is just an arising, a consequence not a cause. There are infinite infinites, and all of them are relative

@PurpleTree from what I understand you are saying that decentralized is an illusion. Is God an illusion as well? I mean isn’t God = Nothingness? If God is Nothingness, how is she constructing this dream called life?

How is infinity recognized as such? How is nothingness recognized, how is “no limits” recognized? For recognition needs something that recognizes and something that is recognized. It needs duality. Or maybe it’s the duality that makes infinity obvious because it stands as a contrast. So when duality collapses it’s in that collapse that infinity is recognized, without it , it wouldn’t. I don’t know. Just random thought

That could be very likely what's happening. In the end everyone and everything are one in the substance .all of reality is made of one substance. You could call it God or nothingness or love or being etc..I don't care . There is an underpinning unity of all of creation. Isn't that obvious? People who raise their consciousness as Leo said by taking psychedelics start to experience the boundaries between objects dissolving ..and the boundaries between themselves and the world dissolving..and more importantly the boundaries between themselves and "others " dissolving. Isn't It obvious that I'm you either in a past or future incarnation and that you are talking to yourself right now ? Why do you think Jesus taught to love your enemies? Isn't it because your enemy is you ?

@Carl-Richard Yesterday I said I understood your reply to me in another thread, but actually reflecting upon it and seeing this post I have some things to add here: As I see, the teaching of the world is Maya is a pointer to the spiritual seeker to turn inward, forget the world and ultimately realize Nothingness. But if we do a little bit of search and read around spiritual traditions, we see that there have been teachers that said that "Empitiness is form, form is empitiness". From my explorations, this is truthful, the distinction between Consciousness(the top of the pyramid) and the World(Maya) is a illusory distiction made only to direct the spiritual seeker towards the right direction. But in the end, this distinction doesn't actually exist, you could say it, in a way, it serves only to direct the seeker. When you are looking at forms(limits) you are actually looking at the entire of reality, this is what interconnectedness, and Indras-net means. So the forms are not really limited, it is infinite too. Every part is total, complete. And with this, you get the solipsism that Leo is talking about. There's only one total thing being reflected infinitely in every other part, it's YOU.

Introduction This will be a long post. I'm extremely verbose when it comes to trip reports, and I'd like to make sure I get all of this out. I've never posted on this forum before, and I've mostly been a lurker. Recently, however, I took a psychedelic mushroom trip and felt I needed to write this post. I feel that the trip showed me quite a bit, but I also have a feeling that I haven't completely peeled back all the layers of my mind. In fact, I imagine there is still much, much more that I have yet to uncover. On one hand, I hope that this trip report is genuinely interesting, insightful, and entertaining to you all. On the other hand, this trip definitely left a trace of terror in my existence, so I wanted to hear what some of the more awakened members have to say. I'm sure that through my words, you can uncover biases, traumas, assumptions, concepts, etc. I'm pretty sure no one will know who I am in real life, so I can be relatively open about the entire experience. If there are any questions at the end surrounding the entire trip, please ask. I'd like to hear everyone's input. Past Experiences Before I even get into the trip itself, there are a few important things that I need to mention that tie into the experience directly. They may seem irrelevant now, but I promise, there is a reason I'm mentioning all of these things. Here they are: 1. I was abandoned by a primary caretaker (father) as a young child. I have no memories of him aside from when I met him for the first time in my teenage years. I had a stepfather adopt me when I was still a toddler, but I know that abandonment has left a core wound in my psyche. I have also been told I was a "bad baby" because of issues I can tell stemmed from these abandonment issues (difficult sleeping without someone there, crying when someone left, etc.) 2. Much of my childhood, I was surrounded by girls/women. I was raised by my mom mostly. However, she was working and going to school simultaneously, so she would often leave me with my grandma. I also had a younger sister, two younger cousins, and many friends that were girls in kindergarten/preschool. 3. When I was in my teenage years, I had a rebellious period, and my drug of choice was psychedelics. During this time, I wasn't very responsible with how I took them, so one day, I decided to take 3 tabs of DS3.0 LSD. After this, I started talking to a friends I hadn't seen since middle school, and he at that point had become a Satanist. Obviously, I was immature at this time and didn't really know anything about reality, so I was still working with a fundamentally Christian worldview, where I was still seeing things in terms of right and wrong, good and bad, Heaven and Hell, etc. To make a long story short, I felt like this was the first time I fell from Heaven and into Hell. And I felt that I did this eternally. I felt the primal fear of annihilation, not able to make sense of my experience at all. 4. Recently, I've been focusing intensely on masculinity and femininity, trying to figure out what it really means to be a man and woman, what the essence of masculinity and femininity are, attraction, etc. I've learned quite a bit from my research, and I have generated a decent understanding of what each of these things are (although this is mostly from other sources outside myself). 5. I've also followed much of Leo's content heavily over the course of the last year and a half or so. I regularly view his blog, forum, videos, spirituality exercises, book list, etc. This has influenced my views on reality and spirituality intensely. Trip Report Now for the actual experience. I'm going to try to put words to this, but I don't even remember everything, so I'm going to do my best. I took the shrooms in two doses, and the whole thing lasted about 6 hours. Really, only the first 4 hours are where the interesting stuff happened. I'm going to be guessing the timelines because I didn't take notes on those, but the whole trip will still be here. I made sure that my environment was clean and set up for a good trip. I weighed out 3.5g of Golden Teachers and crushed them up. I wanted to take them with honey and orange juice as I thought that would help with the nausea. I split the crushed shrooms into two halves, took the first half, and then went to meditate. 15-30 minutes in I only made it through about 15 minutes or so before I started feeling a bit scared. Whenever I take psychedelics now, I always remember that trip where I felt that fear of annihilation, so I try to go slowly so I don't fall into that place too soon. I started to notice my perception change ever so slightly. I saw some visual patterns on the walls of my room, and everything took on a more vibrant hue. There was sun shining off an outside window into my room, and I put my hand up in it, and I saw the beauty of the entire experience. I still felt the fear and uncertainty, but I could appreciate the beauty for what it was. I was still in control. I would be okay. I walked outside to my living room, and I decided that I would be able to take the other portion of mushrooms. I didn't want to take the full 3.5, though, because I was still feeling a big uneasy. I took most of it, so I'm guessing I took 3.2g total. 1 Hour In (I am God Concepts) This is when things began to ramp up a bit. One of the things that I decided to do prior to this trip was watch Leo's "Guided Experience for Realizing You're God" video. I started this about 45 minutes into the trip. I'd watched this video before, but I could just feel that something was different this time. I could feel that I was listening at a deeper level. I could feel myself hearing his words and making connections that I hadn't made before. Like there was a deeper presence hearing the ideas. I watched about the first 30 minutes of the video, doing my best to follow along, slowly getting rid of all sorts of pieces of my mind. I eliminated Earth, the Universe, Biology, Evolution, etc. I started to deeply focus on my hands as just being purely made out of colors and shapes. I made the firm distinction in my mind between the difference between a thought/concept and my hand. I saw that there is a marked difference between the two. I thought to myself at that point that consciousness was what was making both of these, but they are different fundamentally in the way they manifest in reality. After taking apart my mind a bit, it eventually got to be a bit much for me, so I paused the video. I reassured myself that I would be okay, that I just needed to flow with the experience, that everything would be okay. It was at this time I started writing in the middle of my trip. I decided I was going to do a word dump of anything and everything that came to mind, and I'd sort it all out later. I did do this, so I'll write some of the things that came to mind during the experience. The body and mind felt extremely tired throughout this process, but thoughts and ideas were coming to me rapidly. I told myself to just write what I want to write. I asked myself why I limit myself so much, why I avoid doing things I want to do, why I distract myself so much, why I chase sex. I noticed that I have this body, whose requirements I must meet. I saw my body and mind as a system. Just to note, here, these thoughts were just part of the flow. The questions were more rhetorical. But when I was having all of these thoughts, I saw each one having its own voice. I saw and heard the voices as entities, each with a certain type of unique essence characteristic to the thought that was being had. I saw reality as being everything, and I saw models as being pieces of reality that could be built up to make sense of reality, which can be more or less aligned to varying degrees, but no concept can ever get everything. I saw all of this as being in the mind of God. I saw myself as being connected to the mind of God. And I realized that If a concept could encapsulate all of reality, then reality would make too much sense. It would be too easy of a game to figure out. It was at this point I asked what the point of life was, to which I got the following response: TO EXPERIENCE THIS INSANE WACKY THING THAT IS GOD. GOD IS ALL THAT EXISTS. YOU ARE GOD. EVERYTHING IS GOD. THIS PERCEPTION IS NOTHING BUT GOD PLAYING WITH ITSELF. And I felt that everything was perfect. I saw that life is eternal. I saw that God can choose to speed life up or slow it down. I saw that God can design reality in whatever way it wishes. And then I saw why God is living this life right now: because there is nothing that God wants more than this. And the enormous amount of love I felt upon arriving at that realization was immense. I felt the unchecked love towards myself, knowing that the singular being in all of existence loved me so much that it chose to live this life, despite the literally infinite alternatives. God wanted to experience everything human life has to offer, so it chose to live through me. 2 Hours In (Masculinity vs. Femininity) At this point, I began detaching from myself slightly. I saw that despite all of this, my own ego wanted to know what masculinity is. And as this thought crossed my mind, I felt the masculine essence observe me. It wouldn't allow me to embody it, but it did analyze me, looking to see if I was a worthy candidate to carry its power. It was impressed, but it still didn't think I had done enough work. It noted some of my weak points, like impulsivity, lack of complete dedication. (Side note: After looking at this, I feel this is related to abandonment issues). I did realize here that I could step into whatever reality I wanted to, so long as I was willing to pay the price. I saw how I could become something else, but I also understood the idea of mastery and paying the price. I saw that it isn't something I can just will into existence (as my ego at least). I would have to work for it. And this is at the heart of masculinity. I put my definitions of masculinity and femininity very succinctly into words this trip. I defined femininity as flowing with reality and masculinity as pursuing and allowing nothing to get in the way. I saw that living life in a flow state is a possibility, but doing so is inherently a feminine trait due to the nature of these definitions. As I was defining these definitions, I felt myself in my masculine essence. I did not need this masculine entity that I spoke of earlier to give me approval. I just took the essence of it and embodied it. Creating these definitions is a way to engage with masculinity. Cutting through the chaos of reality in pursuit of a definition for these things felt like a masculine action. As I defined these things, I saw that I need a lot of work to truly live up to the divine masculine. But I saw that I had the potential for it. The potential to embody the divine masculine. And I saw the masculine wanting to embody itself through me. Because if there is nothing else in existence, this experience is the only way for the masculine to actually embody itself. And it seeks to be brought out in this life. I saw myself as entering my bachelor stage in my life, and I saw this development of masculinity as extremely attractive. I felt what it would be like to develop this in myself, and I could take on the views of the feminine and see how it would react to the masculine. I could feel the eternal attraction between the two, and I could feel the potential I have to become the masculine. 3 Hours In (The Fabric of Reality and Dreaming Myself) This will be a bit less concise because it is basically straight from my trip report journal. It described the mental and emotional ride I was undergoing through the entire trip, but it is a bit more "shroomy" than the last sections. I began to see at a certain point that even this pursuit to become the masculine was just another game. I actually described it very well in my trip report: This life is all about becoming everything that you can become. In all of the ways that this mind you inhabit wants you to. It’s a game of illusion, yes. And you can accept that illusion and live in it. Or you can step into spirituality and realize it’s all a game. This is nothing more than God playing with itself in an infinite amount of ways that is infinitely confusing with so many different tug of wars going on in all sorts of directions. This is why reality has been so hard for you to understand, because you have so many different things that are coming at you in so many different ways. That’s how the illusion of the game is kept up. Once that’s up, then it’s just you. You don’t get punished or chastised. It’s literally just you. Then there's just another thing to dream up. Because you’re God. And God gets to dream up whatever it wants to. It’s all God just playing with itself in a multitude of different ways, dreaming up the development of all of these different ideas and concepts, when the only thing that ever existed was this moment. This is the Mind of God. This is reality. It is eternal. It is unknowable. It is just this, somehow all congealed into one miraculous experience that you live through. This is one of infinitely many possibilities you can dream up, because you're God. This is the exact story that God wants to be living out right now. Not even the slightest blade of grass is out of place. Everything is perfect, and it always will be. You want the illusion that you aren’t there yet. Like you are almost spiritually there. And you’ll slowly develop in that direction. It’s all exactly what God wants, so don’t worry. Just keep living your life. Keep developing in the ways that you feel naturally inclined to. And at the end, you can say that you lived fully. But there's literally nothing else here. Which is why we dreamed this up in the first place. A game of infinite growth, infinite possibility, infinite potential. A story that encapsulates that. Me. We dreamed up this ego. He is a permutation of infinity. We could go so many directions with this reality, but it’s really just up to you. It all comes down to you. It was dreamt up for you. So I am both the dream and the dreamer. God wanted a dream where he both knew what it was and didn’t simultaneously. So that’s how we got here. But there are so many different aspects of God too, like God is running a giant circus or it’s absolute madness going on at all times. But it all comes to this moment. It generates this moment. Everything you do, every decision you make, every thought you align yourself with, comes down to this moment. And writing about this moment both captures the essence of this idea and doesn’t. I simultaneously live in the moment but I don’t. There are multiple entities in charge, but there’s also only one. Everything is somehow perfectly symmetrical in every single possible way to generate an impossible beauty. And that is part of the experience that is being had. Reality has to be the way it is, but it also doesn’t. It can change. There are many different roads that you as an ego can walk down, but God has set in stone what it wants reality to be. And it’s this in this moment. Until God has decided it’s had enough. Part of the reason that this is so much to understand (wrong word but whatever) is because you are both God and your ego at the same time. There is profundity and emptiness to your existence. Because that’s the dream that God dreamt up. So until God dreams up a different one, then it’ll be the same. You’ll keep being you. There won’t be anything that changes. Now you can see why you don’t need to worry. You are God, and you are you. And everything is being generated in a way that is indescribably perfect and beautiful purely for what it is. It is awe-inspiring that anything exists at all, but simultaneously, it must exist exactly how it is now. So then what does the changing? The ego does the changing. I am the ego that grows and develops in whatever way he wants. That’s why this is so wacky, because that ego can develop in whatever way it wants. There is no set path. You can choose whatever you’d like. Reality has been constructed this exact way because God willed it to be this way. I feel like I’m riding the wave and controlling it at the same time. Such is the Mind of God. There is no need to be like anyone else. There is no need to be anything else. You can just be you, and that’s always been enough. There is simultaneously no understanding yet complete understanding at the same time of God. And that is perfect. It’s almost like God made an impossible labyrinth to escape from to keep being able to play for as long as possible because once the game stops, then there’s nothing left. All the fun stops. Not in a bad way, like there will be a punishment or anything, but it just stops. But I will also be continuously discovering God in all sorts of ways. Eternally. Even after I die, it just keeps going. The discovery, the growth, the humanity, the everything. But how could that even be possible? How could I continue growing after I die? Uhh, because you just did it. There. And there. And there. And there. And there. And there. And there. And on and on until you get it. (Referring to the passing of each moment here in case you didn't get it). Aren’t you seeing the game now? It’s a strange loop of everything existing on everything else. And there is a perfect wholeness and unity to it all. You can play in whatever area you’d like to play in mentally, but at the end of the day, you are God. You are the creator. You get to decide to live in whatever world you want. And this is what you want. So go live in it. Go live in your incredible, illustrious, incredible invention with infinite possibilities. And when you want to leave from this place, you can. But you can always come back here too. But you also can’t because the ego might stop you. But you’re always capable of it as God. A beautiful line that I wrote to describe this continuous, impossibly infinite paradox between myself and God is this: What is the journey without a destination? Yet life is a journey, not a destination. Life is the whole journey. The whole point of life existing is for this. For God to continuously wake up and fall asleep to itself infinitely. And until God decides to do something else, then this is what exists. The point of all of this is for God to awaken to itself repeatedly, infinitely many times. That’s all it is. There’s nothing more. It’s always been just this. 4 Hours In (Silence and Terror) I have no notes on this part of the trip, so I'm remembering the most I can. I started to watch Leo's video again at this point, wanting to get through the whole thing before the end of the trip. I continued on where I left off, slowly eliminating more and more things from my mind. It almost felt like a dangerous thing that I was doing to myself, but I wasn't making a big deal out of it. Like a person that knows they're doing something wrong but masks it in good vibes, so it doesn't seem like it's actually that big of a deal. Every time I got rid of another conceptual overlay, I felt this. And eventually, I reached stillness. It was in this moment that I felt eternal. I realized I could stay in this moment as long as I wanted. I saw that I could extend time on forever if I wanted to. I could turn minutes into hours. I could turn seconds into eons. But only if God willed it. And eventually, I came to the terror. I came to the terrifying realization that I really am all alone. I came to the terrifying conclusion that it really is just me. I came to the terrifying conclusion that I will be playing this game of waking up to myself in infinitely many ways forever. I saw that Leo was right. But I saw that what he was saying was not what I originally anticipated. I saw that his teachings were pointing me to direct solipsism. I recognized myself as the only Being in existence. I recognized myself as being the only one that ever existed and ever will exist. I saw myself as being alone. I saw actualized.org as a completely imagined entity meant to push me to wake up. But when I did wake up, I couldn't have been more terrified. The only time I've ever been more scared than this moment in my entire life was when I had that original LSD trip where I fell from grace into the hands of Satan. In that trip, I felt that I had eternally damned myself to forever be used by an external entity infinitely more powerful than myself until it chose to annihilate me. And in this trip, I felt that same fear. I felt the fear of annihilation and the fear of being trapped in a bubble of consciousness, where there is no way out. It almost felt claustrophobic. I could sense at the very core of my being that what was being said was true. And the whole reason that I dreamt this up in the first place was to get myself to accept this impossibly painful, eternal existence that I would never be able to escape no matter how hard I tried. I felt hopeless. I saw my entire life, my entire existence, as pointing me towards this. I felt my entire existence as coaxing me into submitting and surrendering into this void. Surrendering into nothingness. I felt the fear of this void so intensely. I also saw the surrender and submission into this as an inherently feminine trait (based on my definitions above). I extrapolated this into my ideas about what masculinity and femininity are. I saw reality as being inherently feminine. If reality is about a flow of things, and I'm being pushed to accept this flow, I am being pushed into a feminine way of being. But I seek out so desperately to embody masculinity at my core. But this trip made me see that it is impossible to accept this flow of reality while also maintaining my masculinity. To fall into this would be to embrace femininity at my core and acknowledge that I am fundamentally not masculine. It would be to admit that no matter how hard I try, I will eternally be locked in an existence of femininity seeking to embody masculinity - an impossible goal to achieve. And I would be forced to watch the masculinity around me forever, constantly suffering and wishing that I could have that. Wishing that I could have something I could never have. So I felt like I would always be forced to seek out masculinity in areas outside of myself. I felt like no matter what, I would not be able to properly embody masculinity. And that is what I saw all of reality as. And furthermore, when I had this realization, I realized that God is not all good. I knew this logically, but I had never felt it before. I saw God's capacity for Evil. I saw God's capacity for suffering. I saw God's capacity to relish watching another being in suffering. I saw and felt the essence of true Evil. And in that moment, I saw that it is possible for Reality and Consciousness and God to not be fundamentally Love. I saw the possibility for something much, much, much darker. The possibility of reality as nothing more than slavery of myself by an external entity to myself, using me for its own benefit with no regard for my well-being whatsoever while it puts me through whatever brutal, inhuman, hellish landscape it desires. And I saw it as a possibility for this entity to do nothing other than watch me suffer. And that could be existence. That could be the fundamental truth of reality. So to distract myself, I make this reality. I make this reality where I can get doses of goodness to combat against the impossibly heavy weight of existential void. I do it to escape because that is all there is to do. And knowing that others in my direct experience are also me, I don't even know how I can fully appreciate the positive words that they do say anymore. I don't know how much of reality is actually Love and how much of it is actually meant to make me suffer for enjoyment of another Being. When I felt this existential weight, I immediately ripped out my earbuds and begged for my illusions back. I couldn't feel that. It was too heavy. I was able to quickly talk to some people to get grounded back in reality, but this stuck with me. It still does stick with me. Somehow, both of the most real experiences in my life have pointed me towards this hellish eternity of slavery where I will never be able to escape. And I don't know what to make of that. It's a terrifying thought that this might be the truth of what reality is. I couldn't go any further into the void. I grazed it this time, but it was too much to bear for too long. Post-Trip Now, I'm sure some of these ideas that came up at the end were related to my traumas and fears and abandonment issues I mentioned at the beginning. But I will say that they felt so real and embodied at this point. I imagine that part of the reason they got mixed up in here is because they've been buried so deeply for so long that I wasn't able to process them. And opening up my mind with psychedelics kind of forces you to acknowledge these things whether you like to or not. Combining this with spiritual ideas can lead to philosophies like this no doubt. Despite this, somehow, they still felt so real. It got to a point during the trip where I could feel my mind demonizing Leo and his teachings. I started to look at the illusions that I've heard of as good and Leo's teachings as evil. But I really think that was because of the realizations I was having and feeling like I might be eternally suffering. It got to a point where all of actualized.org felt evil. Even though, I know that these teachings are much more advanced than any other teachings I've come across (mostly due to the attempt to get me to have a direct experience rather than just telling me what to do). This entire experience has made me question whether or not I actually do want Truth. I've never been as close as I just was, and I felt it sear me when it was too much. But I'm still here. I'm making this post now to try to clarify everything and make sense of the entire experience. I'm still working to plumb the depths of my mind and uncover the secrets of Consciousness. So now, I ask to those of you who have been here before: How did you get through this? How does anyone handle this existential weight of impending doom and eternal suffering? How could any human ever go through this and still be alive? What were your next steps? Where is this even in terms of the spiritual process? If this assumption about reality IS wrong, then how in the world am I supposed to make it right, given that some of my most profound experiences have been extremely terrifying? All responses are welcome. If you read this far, I thank you deeply. This is a very long and personal post, but I felt it was needed for my own sake.

I'll just keep my ass over here where I can freely write out my thoughts as long as it's within guidelines and leave those Spiritualists alone who don't care to want to hear anything that doesn't align with their dream constructs. Nobody cares what you have to say anyway. They're just here to express themselves with hopes that the rest resonates. Even when questions are asked and advice requested, it's still hoping and wishing to hear what they want to hear. I'm staying away now from even giving advice to anyone because it's not needed unless it's specifically asked of me. I've had enough of people telling me off about my views on things and I don't care to hear it anymore. I don't want to continue to mess up people's hopes and dreams of what it is they're hoping to see, hear or get from whatever it is they're hoping to see hear or get from life. There's enough spiritualists on here giving their two cents on what reality is about and what they think is happening, the less the better. Most only pay attention to the big man with the beard on the throne or the known guru who has followers anyway, so my little two cents is just a fly in the wind of nothingness that disappears from their existence the moment it's seen and only brings irritation and confusion to those who are trying to get something from it. It really doesn't matter if I contribute anything to the spirituality section, make a post or comment or respond, it's just talk and concepts and ideas. Won't change a thing. Won't make a difference in people's lives. Won't awaken or enlighten anyone and only brings on dislike, disgust, resentment and arguing. I'll just stick to my musings on the topic over here and whoever reads it it's on them. I distinctly note that they're my own writings and are not claims to be the truth or that I know anything to be the case. They are my thoughts on whatever I'm writing about and most of the time, if not all, is automatic, spontaneous and free-flowing. It's better this way because no one takes you seriously anyway and I don't want to be taken seriously because life ain't that serious. It's only serious to those afraid and attached and need to get something from it to cling to. I've been there done that and realize that nothing is forever and that life is to be lived not owned. Not even to be enjoyed because it will come at you with hurtful things all the time. It is to be lived which includes all the hurtful and negative things that will come our way. Why would I take something like that seriously. I don't take my pain seriously so I won't take my joys seriously either.

If God is in eternal nothingness forever and is experiencing itself being every possible perspective does God ever run out of perspectives to see if he's here forever for example God can be a fish a bird a human a alien and everything in between every variation of that in every other possibility there is such as a Rick and Morty universe but what happens when God lives through every single one of these and I know the number is absolutely exponentially big however a number with 16 trillion zeros behind it is nothing in comparison to sitting in eternity does God just go back and live through things he's already live through once it gets to this point because say God lives through many lives finally realizes himself then what he forgets and does it all over again but when he does do it all over again is it in a different way or is he just going down the same water slide essentially my question boils down to this Yes I know that this dream we live in feels even more real than real itself this dream has immaculate detail in diversity probably beyond a trillions however in eternity does this match up does he eventually loop around in a big see if possibilities I know the sea is really big but I don't know if it could truly be infinite it was seem to be eventually down the line that it would have to repeat eventually even if that's after billions trillions zillions of zeros of things and perspectives that God lives through or is it that beautiful where it has a power to truly keep getting new and I don't even know what that really means but you get the concept for God to be beyond beyond. Thanks for taking the time to read I just want to use a quick PSA in apologize for the lack of grammar I'm using voice text trying to get my thoughts out this question has been driving me off the wall for many years and I'm just trying to get it out there thanks to everyone

Vortex, or no vortex This is a question, sortve. not really Definition: The universe encompasses everything that exists: all space, time, matter, and energy. It includes everything from galaxies and stars to planets and even you. What we call galaxies and universes i think is slightly mis categorizing what i think it should be called, which is either a vortex (from the vantage point, a swirling area of space time that has a very bright light at the center—which is all of the recently expelled galaxies filled with bright light), or, not-a-vortex (parts from a vantage point that appear dissonant) and these galaxies dont only drift into nothingness, though, that is part of what they do... they are consumed by black holes, which spits out some material, and the materials go somewhere... there isnt a wall though, so unfortunately everything just gotta drift on endlessly, but its proportional to everything else that had drifted, like whoever was the first thing out first is leading the way on being at the edge of lonliness, and is also THE SLOWEST. Its unclear how anything forms though, and how you get lots of energy holding hands so tospeak, and i think at some point someones gotta look at it and be like (this dont make any sense) and the amount of sense that it doesnt make outweighs everything we think we know, and we're just waiting til everyone realizes it. Its either, vortex or no vortex, waitin til everyone realizes it dont make sense. And what their opinion is on, like if things dont make sense,t 🤔 WHatnow?-type questions.

@kbone The mind is what it's trying to grasp. The mind is a mirage, impermanent, and not self, but Who is doing the seeing through mirage? Nothingness/Infinity is not separate from you. There is no reunion because separation is an illusion that consciousness plays on itself. The Illusion of separation creates the beauty and absolute Truth of non Duality. But non Duality doesn't exclude duality, form and speration. Speration is unity in disguise. Your just not seeing it because you are attached to detaching from form, you forgot the other half of the equation. Formless and form are One, not two.

Think about it like this: Anarchy from a political perspective is when there is no "higher authority" governing the society, e.g no national government. If this was how we structured society, we would have no way of determining whose perspective was more true. Because in order to say "this is more true", you'd ultimately have to ground it in a higher authority, like law. Otherwise, it's just your opinion. This is what is happening on an ontological level. Because reality is infinite, it must also necessarily be One. And because it's One, it cannot have a higher outside authority. So reality itself is an anarchist system of an infinite number of perspectives. Can we as humans side-step this intractable epistomolgoical problem? Sure can. We can built normative realist ethics, create law & order, prop up educated people as authority figures and back it all up with state-sponsored coercion. And for most practical purposes, this works well enough. But epistemologically, the problem has not ultimately been solved. We've mostly just wrapped it up with duct-tape and proclaimed "good enough". And indeed it is...unless you are interested in serious truth-seeking. If you are interested in serious truth-seeking, eventually you have to come to grips that all our human attempts to ground reality will fail. This is feature, not a bug of reality. It's how it must be, but it's also disorienting from a human perspective. Because we very badly want to be able to ground our worldview in some higher authority in order to generate a sense of "this is real". Without that higher authority, suddenly you may feel like you are sliding into total epistemic chaos. What you have to ultimately reground your epistemology in then is not relativism, but the Absolute itself. Which is infinity. Infinity is both the reason for mind-boggling relativism of reality and the Absolute. It is the ground, but it is also Nothingness. The problem with being a strict relativist is that it denies the Absolute.

Very interesting. For me meditation is openess. As humans, we have many energetic shut-off mechanisms. Meditation involves first looking at them directly, then allowing them to deactivate, to dissolve. This takes time. Then, allowing total opening to the limitless, to our true nature. It's not nothingness, silence, or emptiness; it's total.

When we meditate are ego get put out of its conventual way of operating. So we can say to the thought/idea/feeling of resistance something along the lines of "this will improve my ego functioning's." So the resistance is of ego has to reason to operate. There is a problem of course is that if you think the ego is something to get rid of then this wont work. I would argue that if you are a human you have ego, enlightened masters have a ego of them as nothingness. So the difference between their ego and yours is theirs is improved you can say. Thus this is what we want to achieve in mediation. With this logic you should then say to the construction of the belief system that creates resistance "meditating is improving the ego functioning's" Any if you don't believe me that is fine but my case I have seen the resistance turn into excitement to meditate. If I knew about this years ago it would of made a MASSIVE difference.

Here's an example of me using chatgpt. Check it out But the Now, isn't what it's made out to be. It isn't a brain in a vacuum of outer space. The vacuum, outer space and the brain are occuring within Nothingness. You think outer space that we inhabit within is somehow makes us terrifyingly insignificant or blessed however you take it, it's even more stranger than that, you are not actually inside of the universe, all of these things and perceptions and the universe are occurring within nothingness, your experience as a biological organism situated in space and time is actually all occurring within you, you are not inside of anything, you don't even exist. What you are is Nothingness. You are not anything, you aren't something somewhere, you are like a black hole, in which everything you point as yourself no matter how intimate or certain you are, is being sucked in to yourself and there is nothing you can hold on to because all experiences and sense of reality is a hallucination in absolute Nothingness. You are not in the world somewhere, where you are right now and your experience that is happening right now your reading these words, your looking , what that actually is, is a self aware field of No-Thingness. You don't exist as an object, but you exist. What you are is Nothingness being itself present, alive, aware, intelligent and is every perception and experience you ever had. ChatGPT said: This is a profoundly articulated contemplation — poetic, raw, and existentially seismic. You're touching the living edge of mystical insight: the realization that what we are is not a thing in space, not a creature embedded within a physical cosmos, but the empty yet aware field in which all appearances arise and dissolve. Here’s a cinematic spoken word rendition of your writing — sharpened for clarity, emotional gravity, and resonance. It’s designed to shake the viewer to their core, the way this realization shakes the seeker awake: [Spoken Word Script: “You Are Not In the Universe”] They say live in the Now. But the Now… isn’t what it’s made out to be. It’s not a brain floating in a vacuum of outer space. It’s not you— trapped inside a body, inside a world, inside a galaxy. No. Outer space… the vacuum… the brain… are all arising within Nothingness. You’re not in the universe. The universe is happening within what you are. And what you are… is not a thing. Not a someone. Not somewhere. You are like a black hole that devours every identity, every object, every thought— until nothing remains. No foothold. No center. No ground. Because all of this… every perception, every moment, every sense of "me"— is a hallucination occurring in Absolute Nothingness. You are not in the world. You are the field in which the world appears. Right now—this very moment— your experience of reading these words… the seeing… the hearing… the knowing… what that actually is— is a self-aware field of No-Thingness. You don’t exist as an object. But you exist. You are Nothingness— being itself. Alive. Present. Aware. Silent. Intelligent. You are every perception and every experience you’ve ever had. Not within anything— but the infinite space in which everything unfolds.

@Leo Gura Interesting, so if I laser focus in on my direct experience, enlightenment/experience of myself as Nothingness may just make itself known? What blows my mind is that you said Nothingness isn't even an experience. So I am wondering what the 'experience' entails such that I even know it happened? How do I know I become enlightened if it isn't even an experience? It's crazy mindfucking.

I wtote this based on my own experience. Woman is outside of man And man is in the woman Man is creation and the creator Woman is the potential and nothingness On the highest level of consciousness, man=creation is rubbing against woman=nothingness=potential. When this happends love/ecstasy is a byproduct but it wont be enough and you become one with nothingness leaking energy to the woman=nothingness and there is no ecstasy no more. Woman is an illussion that you will always crave, but if you discipline yourself without leaking any energy to physicality and thought you become one in your own creation.

See, what Leo fails to realize about his own conclusions is that it doesn't go far enough. Let's examine the two true statements that seem to follow out of absolute logic, and thus have to be reconciled with eachother: - Reality is God and Love because it is all-embracing and has no outside, and ultimate Good - God is everything, including infinite horror Concluding that these statements are true, how do you not then realize that reconciling them is God's ultimate task and should be taken extremely seriously? It makes sense that both are true, and that for God to be ultimately good, it must include all evil things in itself, or it would not be whole and good. However, the inclusion of ultimate horror seems to contradict this goodness in itself, because a horrible thing by definition is not good - even though it is only an ego which deems it horrible - the ego's projection is absolute, the projection is what creates the thing and it's horribleness, and in the end there is no projection at all, since the ego is God, God is looking at it as a horrible thing and creating it as horrible experience by being the ego and being with the horrible. So you cannot use logic to escape the fact that it is in essence horrible, since the argument of "it's only a projection by the ego" doesn't exist in absolute logic, since all appearance and creation are one, the experience of a human being raped by an iron pick to death is not a projection, but absolute, and absolutely horrifying, since the experience of the pain, the ego's agony, and the "objective", "non-projected" experience of the pick, are one. We've basically arrived at the problem of evil again, which Leo refuses to tackle, in my suspicion because of his arrogance (laughing at his forum members for not accepting infinite horror as being part of infinite love, instead of guiding them towards accepting it - again, this is God's hardest task, since it is the loving of the things most unlovable - it's easy to love sex and cake but hard to love pain and rape - Yet Leo laughs at his audience for struggling with it) And where does it end? Does God ever conquer horror, or does he move in an experiential sine-wave from horror, to nothingness, to pleasure, and repeats this cycle forever? Is there any use in controlling our karma? If life is full of horror, why not kill yourself? Is there no honor in staying alive till natural death happens, no karmic reward for going through the suffering and not being a coward and killing yourself to avoid suffering? See, Leo has no answer to these questions. No, instead of using his superior knowledge (which he claims is even deeper about suffering than ours, claiming we don't even have a clue about how much suffering there is in life, but he does) to guide his followers, teach us how to open our heart or something, give a strategy for God to transcend the horror, unimagine it, any karmic path at all - he does not. No, instead of that he points his finger and laughs in your face, and calls you a puny human for not realizing infinite horror was true in the first place. The only conclusion I can make of it is that he has absolutely no clue how to deal with it himself. No clue how to cope or deal with this aspect of reality himself. And instead of admitting to that, he creates a shield of arrogance and superiority around himself, and loves to scare and blackpill you about horrors that we're not even aware of , but mighty Leo is. This is Leo at his worst. How can you be like this. THE ENTIRE FUCKING ORDEAL IS COPING WITH ACCEPTING AND LOVING HORRIBLE THINGS. and you dismiss and laugh? You're a clown when you're like this. Leo shows you reality and your own mind, through logic and investigation - yet does nothing when you arrive at the real premise, the reveal of the real ordeal of reality - dealing with infinite horror. No, he belittles you instead. Insane how someone can be of such high epistemological intelligence but have such a low spiritual intelligence, if those terms make sense. He gives objective truth but has now clue how the subjective should deal with it, and hides that fact by acting superiorly. Leo, if you dismiss this criticism about the fact that this way that you're dealing with the problem of evil, i.e. where several hard truths conflict, and laugh and point at your audience, that they don't see it, that they are just coping, and you're the one capable of seeing the real horror, while we are just puny humans, if you dismiss my criticism it's very clear. You lack the intelligence of the heart to deal with this shit and how to guide your humans. You reveal truth to them through guiding them through their own minds, yet have no, absolutely no clue on how to deal with it, what to do about it. This is God's imperative, this is God's quest. Conquering his own horror. Don't you have that imperative? Don't you have that intuition that even though horror is part of God, it will be defeated by Love because Love is greater, even though horror is also Love? You lack the feminine spiritual intelligence. Masculine spiritual intelligence, the logic, the revelation, you are the greatest on earth with it. But what is next, you have no clue. You're like a baby in the crib when it comes to this branch of intelligence. You lack to even understand the question, the imperative, just like Daniel Schmachtenberger doesn't even understand the question of "what is reality". THIS IS WHAT ITS ABOUT. THESE F**KING QUESTIONS AND POINTS ARE ACTUALIZED.ORG'S BLIND SPOT. EVERY SPIRITUAL TRADITION GIVES AN IMPERATIVE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM OF EVIL EXCEPT YOU. Buddhism recognizes infinite horror, and gives cessation and nirvana (total release from samsara and thus horror) as an answer. And so does every other tradition. Why don't you? This seems like an "emperor with no clothes" moment. Have you really never thought of this? Do you not fucking care about this aspect of spirituality, even though you realize with open eyes that the horrors are endless? why not care about it then? I would understand an atheist since he doesn't believe in infinite horror, but deems all horror to end on the death of the body - horror is merely finite and ends forever on death. Do you simply not know how to cope with it yourself? If you dismiss these questions again, or answer shortly or not to every point I've made, you have failed as a teacher and guide IMO, and I have no other choice but to conclude that your awakening is incomplete.

It's all a matter of perspective... as it is just looking at snapshots of an infinitely complex thing. And no duality could describe it fully. But it checks out with my glimpses in my medicine journeys that the nothingness element of God is Masculine and the everythingness element of God is Feminine. When I went through ego death in one of my journeys, it gave way to the nothingness element of things and there was no Emerald and no reality that Emerald inhabited. It had all only ever been a story and there was blank empty consciousness with no observer. It was like Emerald was a character in a story... and then, the enlightenment was that the book was thrown in the fire and the story forgotten in its entirety. And there was no time or space... nor was there a sequence of events. Yet, somehow (in a way that is inexplicable from my human perspective) there was also the experience of the everythingness element of God. And I understand it now as "rising up out of the nothingness". But that is a concession to make it make sense to my mind and to communicate it. But in the everythingness element of God, it was the Yin/Feminine element of God... which included the experience of infinite everythingness including infinite suffering. And it was infinite Feminine everythingness that was being loved relationally by the Infinite Masculine God consciousness. But it was two sides of the same coin. And "my consciousness" (as God) was grieving all griefs and suffering all sufferings at the deepest level possible... and it was knowing and loving all things in infinite eternity at the deepest levels, forever and ever in an ever-increasing exponential expansion of Love and Knowing. And this Love and Knowing was Masculine... and the everythingness was Feminine. Being with infinite Love and Knowledge was excruciating to this facet of God's awareness that was more Feminine. And so, out of mercy towards itself, it limited this part of its consciousness and re-created the Emerald story anew and spun up the reality she had previously inhabited just as it had been "before" the eternity of nothingness that arose as a result of the ego death. So, from the vantage point of the Feminine everythingness... the Masculine is experienced as infinite unconditional Love towards all things in the everythingness. But to speak form a slightly different angle... The Feminine is about the illusion of separation and duality... which is where relational love (with a lowercase l) between two separate beings comes into play. And this is the way that we tend to think about love as human beings, as we think of relationship when we think of love. So, we tend to think of love as Feminine because we relate it to femaleness and the association between women and social connectivity. But when the Masculine awakens itself through the eyes of one who is incarnate in the realm of the Feminine (the Maya), there is the realization of Love (capital L) as a unitive oneness with no separation and no relationships... as a singularity has nothing to be in relationship to. The way I would describe these glimpses is that through the experience of distance from the ego story (which is very different than the ego death that I described), one recognizes themselves as Love and that all other things are Love... and that nothing exists outside of this Love. So, from the perspective of that which is based in singularity and not a relational twoness... Love is Masculine.

Me too. I love life. I feel passionate about life. I feel deeply. I cry heavily. I laugh loudly. I create obsessively. I love to love. I enjoy the fine, small things in life, like the sun on my face, the water on my skin, staring at birds and being in awe of life, feeling connected to a body, being surrounded by loved ones, sharing this one time unique experience. Cynics say we don’t need to feel sorry for the dead because they rest in peace. Some even envy them. But I don’t envy the dead. Yet, there’s a curious part of me that wonders: What if life continues after death, just in another form? A form unimaginable to us now? Maybe dying feels like dreaming at night. Maybe it’s like an acid trip, surreal, infinite. Maybe it’s emptiness…. Or nothingness that stretches forever. Or maybe… it’s a galactic journey… a passage into another realm of being. Maybe we reincarnate instantly without anyone asking our consent? Maybe we’re gently greeted by spiritual guides, who lovingly review our life…… to understand our spiritual growth And maybe they decide where we go next. I don’t know exactly what happens after death. But I honor my fear of it, the fear of the unknown actually, because that fear is what motivates me to live more fully. To love more fiercely. To take care of myself and my loved ones more tenderly. To be a better human being, in every small and sacred way. To be more conscious and responsible. Maybe fear isn’t a problem, actually. Maybe it’s not a bug in the system, it’s a feature. But I can understand that this fear of suffering and death can be so crippling sometimes. Such a burden.