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Hey guys, it's been a while since i posted here... the forum has always intimidated me slightly, but I really have nowhere else to turn when it comes to these kinds of topics. Before I get into anything I do want to mention that I am on medication and seeing a therapist so I am seeking professional help for the tangible issues. That being said, there's a layer to this i feel like I need to address here on the forums. This is very off the cuff so I apologize if i stray from the point and ramble, there is just a lot behind this but hopefully I can sum it up cleanly. So Ive been following leo for a long time, on and off, I admit i havent been the most dedicated watcher, I skip videos sometimes. But if a title grabs my attention I can sit through a 2-3 hour video easy. I have experience with psychedelics in my past (admittedly mostly recreational use) but I also have a history with a mental hospital and that's the big thing I kind of want to mention. Over the course of 3-4 years ive been to the mental hospital a total of 3 times. This February was my last visit. I get a better handle on my episodes each time, but they're loosely tied to my existential questioning and spiritual journey. I loose touch with reality and it's hard to explain without getting too into it. (Im not here to detail my psychotic episodes to you all, you dont deserve it and it may be missing the point lol) I used to really be into the spiritual journey and nonduality (a lot of leo and alan watts will do that) but lately I feel like ive lost my focus and im almost damaged with my mental illness. I dont want to give up on the path, but i realize that it can no longer be the same for me. Ive gotten some good insights to myself but I feel like ive forgotten them and I feel so lost. I feel like I don't know myself anymore, who am I really, what do I really want, what im capable of anymore. Do I really want to be enlightened? What does enlightenment even mean to me? (I have no fucking clue lol) Am I capable of doing these practices after all that ive been through after ive questioned myself so much to the point where ive lost my grip on reality. I feel like ive broken myself down so much, but now I was hoping to get advice on how to build myself up again. I dont know how many of my old perspectives ive re-adopted (in terms of ideas about reality) I feel like im just in survival mode. Leo talks about letting love lead you nowadays and I feel like I need a redose of the fundamentals again. IS there any direction that someone can point me in? old videos of leos maybe? Is this even path even possible for me anymore? I dont want to be resigned to floating through life mindlessly and unaware... but i feel like I need to start all over again... so how do I do that? I hope this wasn't too long a read for you and I didn't ramble too much. Basically I just want to know where I go from here after all ive been through.. and what you all think. I can't appreciate you enough for your advice, even if it's just support, and I wish you all the best.

"But you cannot run away from yourself. However far you go, you come back to yourself and to the need of understanding this point, which is as nothing and yet the source of everything." -Nisargadatta Maharaj Lately I've been dealing with being lonely off and on. It's interesting that there's a lot of self judgement and embarrassment around this. I feel like I should have been able to have a busier more lively life, or live somewhere different or have a different partner, be more successful, have more friends, etc. A lot of the plans I make to distract myself aren't available because of the pandemic. I can go into all kinds or reasons and stories about this. Here's one, in the past, summer was an incredible but beautifully lonely time. My parents lived very secluded lives far away from civilization or the school I attended. Summer vacation was a time completely to myself. Trees, flowers, birds and my own fantasies were my only company. I've never really felt that again so strongly until now, because as an adult I have always been able to make plans to see people and do things. Particularity I'm really interested in why I feel shame about being lonely. A lot of the things I'm driven to do and want are simply out of this alone feeling. I think a lot of conflict between people just comes out of loneliness. I feel like we're so harsh on ourselves for being lonely, it's our fault or failure. So it feels just slightly better to blame other people for doing things that don't allow us to be with them or love them how we envision things should be. What does nonduality say about being lonely? There aren't two. There's no you to be lonely, no you to want someone else. But it's happening out of wholeness. So should I be even more ashamed? Or maybe the loneliness is love itself? Love I didn't want to feel because I was too busy upholding my sense of separation? Confession, I'm lonely. My loneliness is killing me (and I) I must confess I still believe (still believe)

June 15, 2020 I feel like I am slipping into autopilot without the dedication necessary to self actualize. I wasted a lot of time today, but I did find a few important things. There are one day tournaments I can play in every week. I could create a better life than what I currently have by becoming a yoga instructor even though this is not a huge passion but there are a few motives for it. This expands the quality of my consciousness which I think I lack. Outside of time wasting, I thought a lot about what my life purpose should be. One important note I make to myself to help seek truth is that I care about my survival more than I do truth. This is a paradox that avoids ideological stances about truth. I also tried learning about transpersonal psychology, but I did not yet find what college I would go to. I don't want to be discouraged by the fact that many beliefs about nonduality are created along the way. I also realize that forceful methods are doomed to failed so long as my survival is what I value more than truth. I considered going into politics again. I see politics as the greatest potential for increasing the well-being of all of mankind. The greatest good for the greatest number is a principle that resonates with me. Politics is meant to teach me to set my biases aside and see things as they are. My highest priority is constant self reflection to ensure that I do not become corrupt. The next most important things are anti corruption and various social problems in which to detect the greatest good for the greatest number. I am not clear on what precisely the means are, but if I believe that I can't get the money I will lock myself out entirely. Ideology is a major source of corruption and I think a mystical experience is necessary for me to nonduality as more than a belief so that I can actually be more loving and not just preaching whatever people on the internet told me. I could consider business for financial independence. It may not seem like a passion now, but it is serious potential to create the means. Means is one problem with going into politics where me being corruptable is the other problem. Money is the source of many of my limiting beliefs about travel, psychedelics, contribution, and maybe something else. I think truth may be important to understanding a life purpose. Most people don't know what is true, and if I do know them that may provide me with a significant advantage. This is not to be better than others, but simply to make me more capable of making a meaningful contribution. Right now I am attached to my survival, my addictions, my limiting beliefs, and more. I did do a little chess today. I won one game in which my opponent blundered a knight and resigned immediately. He was otherwise better. I finished some homework on mating patterns and will soon move onto double attack. I feel like I am losing focus and am not As focused on chess As I would like to be when training. Maybe my mind is too numbed by all the social media. I should test this out for one week with only one blog post a day and no YouTube. Just meditation and diet. This will make me more effective at my training. I will find your purpose. I don't want suicidal thoughts coming up suddenly when I see my life as insignificant and pointless. I want more than just talk. You have done some work and I would like to stop giving you the stick to motivate you. I don't love you. It is possible to raise this capacity for love. This may be a counter intuitive solution like with truth vs survival. The truth is that I do not understand love and I am not less because of it. This is love.

Leo. You. God. Nonduality....not-two. There is the direct experience, self-awareness, ‘right now’, of one (not two).

@Lenny this is a problem that comes up for me a lot on this site. It becomes hard not to create beliefs about what is true and I feel like it creates a delusional affect where really I don't know what is true. I think this can really interfere with my efforts to seeking truth. I don't want to create beliefs about nonduality that prevent me from knowing for sure if it is true or just a story the mind could spin. Maybe this is a cause for me to not spend too much time on this site. After my own contemplating I questioned how do I know inanimate objects don't have feelings. I can compare a curtain to cat and see a clear difference. The cat purrs and hisses while the curtain only changes shape when acted upon by a person folding it for example. It appears to have no judgement, but unless I am the curtain, I can't tell for sure if it has feelings or not. I assume it has no perspective because of the initial comparison between inanimate objects and animals. I want to be careful not to change my beliefs just because it seems wrong. As for thinking, an example of a body part being unable to think on its own would be a dead person. The body may still have living cells, but the body becomes like a curtain that just sits there until a creature moves it. I feel like there is a voice in my head, and I have a hard time hearing a voice in my feet or hands which suggests that thoughts come from my brain. My body is connected to my mind because I think of words to type and my fingers move accordingly. The movements of the body are learned because I practiced typing and I do not consciously think "I will move this finger to this letter then the space bar.". My mind might associate these words with letters which are associated with particular positions on the keyboard which then causes me to automatically move my fingers in this way. Maybe this is a simplified thinking process of my brain which I associate with these movements allowing my fingers to do this quickly just like tying my shoes. The voice in my head can be acted upon if I cause it to say "I am a rainbow butterfly with 17 wings who likes to tap dance on a pot of gold.". This suggests that the voice is the thoughts and beliefs but I am manipulating what they say. My thoughts are also habitual just like my finger movements. If I have the same thoughts all the time, then I am on auto pilot because my behavior never changes. In order to know what is doing the thinking, I would want to see what is prior to the thought. When I try my mind silences and I do nothing. I then find nothing prior to the thought. The thing which thinks my thoughts is that which causes this body and mind to do things when acted upon. I might be the brain doing all of this, but I would need to see my brain and perform surgery on myself while conscious in order to make sure I am the brain thinking. I did my best with my contemplation. I don't know how to define progress in the context of truth.

Yeah bro but you have memories and are self-aware. Isn't God your higher self-awareness? Do you think that God is something impersonal which is separate from you (identity) and that's why you say that you never become it? Because God can experience nonduality while existing as everything. Duality is nothing but a mind problem when the Creator feels separate from its creation. You are God brosky.

Thanks, it seems to be more clear now.. I was watching the latest video of Joseph maynor, and he pointed out a subtle difference between nonduality and spinocha. I think the human levels are based on the plurality of consciousness, while I was looking at from a single viewpoint. And yeah I can cease to have a perspective and can switch modes if I don't desire it, very true.

@An young being I had many “nondual experiences” before I knew anything about nondual theory. I knew that experiences were unique, yet I didn’t even know there was a word for it. Then a couple people in my life told me “Oh yea, that’s nonduality”. I was like “There’s a word for it? What’s this ‘nonduality’ thing?”. I then started watching nonduality speakers and was like “Omigosh! That’s it. They know what it’s like!”.

The question makes no sense to me Edit: to clarify why it makes no sense to me: Nonduality is simply being. Has anyone experienced being beforw they knew about it? Ofcourse?! Only Everyone ever. Even your dog

I am a big fan of ASMR, so this video naturally floated on top of my youtube recommendations. Once I started listening, My nonduality started tingling. I have gone full circle as my ASMR and nonduality addictions merged into One video. Enjoy this masterpiece Choose how to use it, it may help you fall asleep and wake you up at the same time

Pretty sure Jed McKenna is Nonfiction. Martin Ball has some awesome Sci-Fi Nonduality novels. Check out his website.

I write Nonduality based fiction short stories. Got about 18 so far. Want to compile them into a book of short stories with Nonduality as the connecting theme.

@krockerman You’re writing of nonduality with “logic”, and you don’t realize you’re doing it.

@assx95 Nonduality, implying “not two”. So, is there a ‘you’ working toward ‘something’? Is there a ‘you’ which ‘took on ideologies’? Aren’t they as they appear - your own ? How could an ‘us’ experience not two? Ultimately, who’s belief is this climbing up stairs concept?

We're getting into deep philosophical territory here, but in the grand scheme of things there is no inside or outside, deities are part of your existence, whether you acknowledge them or not. In drawings about yoga and tantra, they are usually depicted as living inside you, with each one responsible for a different energy centre, like a gatekeeper. At each centre, you must overcome the challenges given to you and satisfy the gatekeeper deity, that you are ready to move on to the next challlenge. The highest gate is at Sahasrara, which is guarded by Shiva, if I recall. It is at this point that Shakti can finally reunite with Shiva and nonduality is achieved. There is of course only the Self, which you may call God, but it has many aspects. You are one of those Aspects, but your separation from all the others, including deities, is entirely illusory.

Your comment is thoughtful. Sometimes I feel that people use the word "God" (with it's capital G) to mean "revere this thing" and I wonder if it hearkens back to a Christian upbringing in some cases even if they are using it in a Christian context. -Although in some Hinduism it is invoked. I have heard some people say Yogananda sort of package his teachinsg to appeal to a Christain raised audience. For instance: "The kingdom of God" is used. Here he says "his presence", "his" is invoked You can read some of these statements and somebody with a Christian might relate to it. Then there is the is other idea out there "you are God". I have another thread on this Interestingly nobody replied to it. If "you are God" is that different from saying "you are a person" ? Are people "God" ? But you don't hear that. Are dogs God ? Is an empty box of Cheerios God? Is everything God or only living things? If "God" is a word meaning everything then why would somebody say "you are God"? People don't say "you are everything" because it is assumed yes, pick anything you want and it's part of "everything" So why the term "God" I believe the intent is "revere this thing". Interesting I make a thread "You are God" and I also put in an interesting second post later of the sayings of Swami Vivekananda. Nobody replies. Yet when atheism is brought up some people come in and reply offended by the idea What about "the All" ? what about "oneness" ? what about nonduality? isn't this all "God" ? I would say the word "God" does not have to used to express that. When you are in a Western country "God" has a strong connotation of Judeo-Christianity even if untended. What about saying "you are everything" or "we are part of a universal consciousness" "be one with everything" "energy" etc ? - because agreeing with that is not so easy to determine. People acknowledge that if they are on a football team that are part of team, by extension we are part of the universe. Even an atheist could acknowledge parts and sum of parts. However when the word "God" is invoked there is an expectation, say "God" back or you are not part of the team, and I am expected to write it with a capital "G" Reverence for a word. Is doing that really nondual? Of course "nondualism" is another concept, another word. But it doesn't have the same sense of authority, that humble yourself quality

I understand lol. I didn't have tolerance from a recent trip. But in general, I need higher doses for similar effect compared to most people. Both my 5-MeO trips have looked like exorcisms to the observer. It just tends to hit me hard, even when plugged. But that was 18 months ago. I might want to test the waters again. LSD was much smoother. The bilateral symmetry tends to suggest that I was energetically and Nonduality-wise open, but no exorcism.

Last night I had an intense solo tripping experience. The idea was to do a medium dose of LSD on an empty stomach, in absolute darkness. Dose: 500ug on a 24 hour fast Setting: At night, complete darkness + sleeping mask Intent: Forgiveness and letting go Understand emotional mastery Explore how I can live more consciously Trip Experience: Initial Paranoia: After about 30 minutes, I started experiencing mild effects and an initial paranoia set in, along with an intense desire to eat something (I didn't do it since it tends to blunt the intensity of the trip). Forgiving and letting-go exercise: I worked through the "How to forgive someone who hurt you" exercise and working on the meditation. I noticed how my heart is still not open and how much resistance I have to feel emotions. This is a significant sticking point for me. After the exercise, I contemplated for a while. Soon after that, the peak of the trip hit. Bilateral Symmetry: This is a common theme for me. As soon as I surrender and let go, my body naturally starts doing the bilateral symmetry yoga (which Martin Ball describes). I even tried to stay centered and contemplate further, but the body wanted to open up and move. During this, I can observe when the ego/self-talk comes in since an abrupt break in symmetry accompanies that. When the body is moving fluidly, "I" am entirely gone. It's as if the body is working through some residue energy. There was also some shaking and some vibrating. The Bee: I started working on letting go and surrendering my fears. Right then, a small bee came buzzing in and sat right next to me. This was annoying since I used to be afraid of bees as a child. What are the chances that a bee would come in and land in front of me at a time when I'm working on surrendering my fears (I haven't seen a bee in months)? This has to be the Universe testing me. I sat there, observing my impulse to swat that bee or go somewhere else, but I just sat there, letting go. I realized that all my insights are useless unless I can put them to use. The Buddhabrot: During the bilateral symmetry, a track started playing on YouTube, which had the thumbnail of the Buddhabrot from the movie "Inner Worlds, Outer Worlds". I saw it, and it hit me hard. I was looking at Absolute Infinity! Contained in this picture are infinite patterns, all of which exist all at once. An observer can, however, focus on a specific pattern and create a narrative by changing his/her focus over time. But all of it exists simultaneously, at once. I stared at this fractal for an hour, during which, I saw two hands moving in bilateral symmetry, I saw a jester laughing, I saw a dragon guarding a treasure. I saw the light and shadow creating a play of good and evil. I saw a Goddess, I saw the Buddha figure, and I eventually saw two eyes staring back at me in the middle of the image. I realized I was literally looking at God! I stared at those two eyes as an entire universe sprawled out of nowhere and then vanished back into the infinite fractal. I was moved beyond words. When I see this figure now, I'm hardly able to see anything, but I will look at it again when I trip. Purging: One consequence of my energetic opening was my body wanting to throw up and purge. I had nothing in my system, but that didn't stop my body from feeling nauseous and wanting to throw up. This correlated well with my emotional state of wanting to let go of my past blockages and old narratives. One big realization is that I am normally heavily detached from my body and am energetically quite closed. Meditation + more Bilateral symmetry: I meditated for a bit, and then the body wanted to move again. Eventually, it grew tired, and I went back to just contemplating. Lessons: With each trip, I understand how little I embody these insights in day to day life. Breath: After the purging, I can see that my breath is deeper, and I can see the energy move in and out of my gut better. For me, my degree of consciousness and embodiment is directly proportional to how deeply and openly I breathe. I understand Absolute Infinity in a much deeper way than I used to. 36-hour Fast was an excellent choice for this trip because it made it more potent. I will continue to do that in the future. Complete darkness also helped the trip, and I will continue tripping at night. Further: More fasting + Tripping I still cannot come to grips with the duality between God and Myself. I understand how I create my reality, but I'd be lying if I say that I understand God fully. Work on embodiment 5-MeO-DMT: It's been 18 months since I smoked 5-MeO. I still don't feel like I'm ready to take the plunge (or should I say the plug) yet. I need to work through some more stuff before I'm able to.

Ever loose yourself while having sex? And I mean really, really loose yourself? To the point where you're not able to tell who's doing who or what? ? it all just becomes a wave. A dance. Like everything else; this too can be magical and beautiful, or it can be straight on terrifying. ? Can't the man just enjoy some regular sex, for the Love of God?! ? How are things going for ya? Is sex still...sex?

Definitely don’t try to “get rid of” anyone or anything. That’s a narrative of resistance, because there’s no truth in it. Also, there are millions of people being authentic who have never even heard of nonduality. That’s another narrative. No. There is no situation, no occurrence, in which you are not in control. “IT”S JUST A STORY!!!”

Notice that as Roger Castillo has pointed out, the statement "you are not your body" is useful but it's only a certain level of spiritual teaching, and that there needs to be a step beyond that into full nonduality. That's easy to explain in relation absolute Truth being everything. So to say not about anything is a duality teaching. The truth is that we are the body, but not ONLY the body. We are everything. That's what absolute Truth means.

The absolute Truth Leo explained is very useful for spirituality. Because the ego only experiences dualistic truth including relative and subjective truths. And we can start with the concept of absolute Truth as everything. That's just a thought, a concept, yet it points to the absolute Truth and that is useful for spiritual realization of absolute Truth as nonduality. And what I will experiment with is if ego tensions can be dissolved along with a realization of absolute Truth. The ego's limitation of only experiencing dualistic truth is a false perspective and leads to inner and outer conflicts and keeps the ego tensions including the body armor and the pain body in place. Realization and actualization of absolute Truth will I predict dissolve the ego tensions.

One important consequence of the Wolfram model is that if it's true, then we don't have free will. I have noticed how in philosophy there is a lot of discussion about the need for free will related to moral responsibility. But I think it's very simple. Nonduality teacher Roger Castillo used an example of someone having been caught committing a crime, and the person claims that it was done without free will, and then the Judge replies: I understand that, and me sentencing you to prison is also done without free will. Haha, so that completely eliminates the question about moral responsibility in my opinion. And no free will in Wolfram's sense is still a form of free will in the sense that we actually have to perform our actions including personal choices and willpower as a part of the whole universe. Computational irreducibility means that we cannot "cheat" and jump ahead into the future. Regarding math, I have heard Stephen Wolfram mentioning that the math used today is very much a result of history and culture. It's just a slice out of all possible math. The example of "2 + 2 = 4" I gave was meant as a platonic form, something that timelessly exists. For example the notion "2" is just a label. In binary form the same expression is 10 + 10 = 100. So what I mean is that even without math, the truth of 2+2 = 4 still exists according to how I see it.

I have never heard of It's not upsetting. offensive and wrong is more apropos. Love is a feeling. It is not an idea where you can take the human out. That is dehumanization. Love is something a living being feels not an intellectual concept. You are giving me a relative scenario, picking a beautiful forest as an example and not a back alley of dog shit, garbage, medical waste and flies. We are talking about beauty here not love. It's relative. This same scene to someone born in that environment might be commonplace to them and a skyscraper or desert oasis might seem beautiful to them. As soon as you speak a word you are speaking relatively. So what is "unconditional love" ? Does that mean we love the smell of week old urine and rotten eggs? Do we love to watching children being tortured ? Do we love seeing a pile emaciated corpses that have begun to stink? Another way, the more common way this term "unconditional love" is applied is not love alone. It's a decision to be committed to the well being of another person no matter what. For instance a mother might say this of her children. Does this mean the mother is feeling love for her child 24 hours a day? No she does and thinks about other things as well. Does this unconditional love means she loves everything? No. Other children that are not hers she will not have the same level of commitment to. Unconditional love is not constant love nor is it loving everything. What about loving everything all day land all night long? That might sound like a nice idea but it's not humanly possible and it's not a good thing to love things like harming people. What about if we like the idea of oneness (nonduality) means we we pick some word that we like to be the oneness and everything is made out of it? That is cute but nonsensical. Is nuclear waste, vomit and piss love ? Or is it just the plants , trees and decaying branches that are love? Love is a tree or is it that you love trees? There's a difference. Again "infinite love" "Absolute love" "unconditional love" "purity" "perfection" These are all idyllic mental constructs. Some to say love is endless but loves ends, It takes time to realize this And then ones are born

For women’s perspective on nonduality, are you familiar with Lisa Cairns and Ananta Kranti? They are my two favorite female speakers.