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You lack boundaries. She does not control your use. You do. She is a witness to your life and a participant in your journey, not the conductor. You must continue to act in your best interests. By allowing her to forbid your psychedelic use, you're setting the precedent that you will do actions that make you happy, and not do actions that make her unhappy, regardless of how you feel about them. Do you want that life for yourself? A life where you've grown to resent your partner as the woman who stops you from living your fullest, best life? it makes me sick when people drop ultimatums in relationships. It's manipulative. Why does something so silly matter more than your relationship? She doesn't seem to value it THAT much if a little bit of psychedelic exploration would make her instantly ok with the thought of losing you. Or, maybe she's not OK with the idea of it, and just thinks that you fear losing her so much that she can threaten to leave as a way to make you change. Again, manipulative, and she is treating you as weak. You might actually be weak. Or she might be trying to make you weak. I can't say. Further more, I find myself nearly FURIOUS that you've been being gaslit into beilieving YOU have done anything wrong here. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE JEOPARDIZING YOUR RELATIONSHIP? Why did you take psychedelics? To pursue momentary pleasures that are meaningless and come with a high risk of death, simply to feel momentary bliss? No... not with the psychedelics you've chosen. You chose those to grow as a person, as a man, as a man in relationship, as a man in this floating mass of subatomic particles, didn't you? I believe you did. Your "drug use" is being mislabeled. One, you don't have a history of "drug use" you "used a drug, twice." Second, you weren't "dishonest" at all. You told her about the experience the first time. That is undoubtedly HONEST, especially since you knew she wasn't the biggest fan of the psychedelics, so, you were brave in telling her something instead of protecting her from the truth. The second time, again, there was no dishonesty, you simply ACTED WITHOUT FEAR OF NEEDING PERMISSION, and then you HONESTLY informed her that you had taken something when asked. if you are getting punished for living without fear of needing permission... well... that's not a good life. If you're being accused of jeopordizing the relationship, you're being gaslit. The only person jeopardizing anything is your partner by attempting to control. threaten, and create ultimatums. So, to answer question 1, I think staying in a relationship primarily for sex will lead to what you're experiencing. And it's okay to enjoy having sex with soeone and staying with them for a while, but that'll come to a natural end once you have to choose between having a good sex life or having a good life. You should always choose a good life over a good sex life. To answer question 2,3,4... all of those questions are asked from the frame of making yourself smaller to please someone else at the cost of your full authentic expression of consciousness. That's not OK. 2) You have to prioritize your personal commitments ahead of your relationship commitments. 3) Rebuilding trust needs to start with you firmly setting boundaries about what you will do, not compromising on what you will do, and being the man and therefore creating a container of trust and safety where even though you will live in ways she may not always agree with, she has nothing to fear. 4) Said 1000 times here but the only problematic approach to relationships I see here is letting someone else dictate what you should do, and giving into fear of ultimatums. If someone gave me an ultimatum i would immediately break up with them even if it was an ultimatum to not do something I didn't want to do. Ultimatums are a sign that the relationship, in her eyes, is one-sided, and that she can and will leave you the moment you don't meet her expectations.

Wowzers… ok… so I had an amazing time at the event this weekend and there seems to be so much that’s running through my mind at this time. Hehe… I have some work to do but I felt like I should start writing before I dive back into it. So how do I begin? I guess I’ll start with the moment of bliss that I had during the event… not that the entire time was fabulous.. but there was a break through moment and I’ll start with that. So there’s some context that I’ll give to set things up. This hostel that I’ve been going to the events seems to have an energy that allows for a safe space which is pretty normal for a location, but what’s really special is the people who are here. I am noticing myself letting loose a bit more. I seem to enter a space and observe to see how far I can open up with the people I’m with. I understand there are different levels of consciousness we could say and so some environments are a bit more open compared to others. So I have been noticing myself feeling out this space. I guess a good example of this… is I went a few days earlier to help out and so technically I was a staff member at this time… and I was doing jobs and such like laying floor tiles and cleaning out the compost toilets.. so I was technically working as a staff member however… it didn’t really dawn on me until Saturday night… my awareness noticed a shift in me where… holy shit.. I am a team member for this hostel… hehe.. I’m trying to explain something that is subtle. But again during the event I was doing the duties asked from me… I was one of the note takers for the meetings, cooking and cleaning for our guests. But after we had a drum circle where I’ll get to in awhile which was my break through moment… but there were guests who needed assistance with their rooms and questions… and I started to see myself actually shifting into team mode without anyone asking me to do so. There actually were two staff members inside that I could’ve asked to help… but I just started to do it myself and most things I didn’t know how to do.. like looking at the computer system to check people in and see what rooms are available.. yes… I just hadn’t got to these types of positions yet because there’s normally staff who is there doing it… but I started to get into the nurturing mode.. and felt like these guests aren’t just the hostel’s guest, but they became my guest and I wanted to help them to the best of my ability… and I also noticed since I didn’t know too many details about the procedures and where all the rooms are and their names… so I felt like I was doing my best but I can definitely learn more to do better next time. But yes… I could see areas where I was still wanting to be an outside observer with this space. I feel like I was really trying to see who really am I working with… do their values align with my values? And so again… it felt like I started to notice and allow myself to get in deeper with this community. It’s really interesting also because I usually can express myself openly and honestly; however… I’ve been noticing moments where I still have hesitancy and this place will help me with this. Everyone seems to be very receptive without initial judgements and just a safe space… I don’t want to have to decipher if each space is ok to express openly and I can see me gaining more experience while I’m here. And I can see this becoming a part of who I am… and I understand that I’ve been working on this already and I’ve seen improvements.. I just notice the potential to expand in this area will definitely increase here. There is a shift of not playing small any longer. I can feel myself not wanting to play this game any longer. And I’m ready to embody this in a much deeper and consistent way. So… I’ve been playing instruments since I came to the hostel and I absolutely adore the fact there are available instruments to play with. We have head and heart morning meetings and part of this is saying our daily personal ambitions.. and on Saturday I said I wanted drumming to be my personal ambition. The communities that came to this event actually are very familiar with drum circles around the fire… and I was hoping to get one going that night. I started to seed this idea during our break where I needed my own space since it’s a very social event. But I grabbed a djembe went to a picnic table away from the group to just practice drum beats I’ve learned. I wish I could remember more of the rhythms but there seems to be three that stand out and the others I’d have to look up the recording to remember… but anyway… I wanted to seed the drum… Before dinner I was asking questions about events with drum circles and said it would be nice to get one started tonight… one participant said that her husband will be more then likely will want to participate. He had arrived later and I hadn’t had anytime to share any time with him. He actually cooked all the guests an Indian dinner which was delicious… I was talking with one of the staff members about possibly grabbing some instruments and bringing them to the fire circle… but I think we got shy and decided to not do it at that moment. It started to get late and many were already heading back to their space to rest… and then the husband came outside to the fire with a steel drum.. I was like Yesss, finally… he played in the background as people shared conversations.. and finally I approached him and asked if I could play along with him? He was very open to it and so I grabbed another steel drum and sat next to him. Now I have played this style of drum before, but still very new. So I asked if he could give me a few tips… and he said that I can just focus on the heart beat… always remember the heart beat. And so we had a steady slow heart beat and I was hitting the other tones to hear the sounds to compliment the bass heart beat… and he was playing easily next to me.. and I had to remember the heart beat… as I started to experiment more… hehe… I had to keep remember the heart beat… and for the most part I was doing well but missed the beat too..hehe… but then there was marijuana that was being passed around the circle. Normally it’s an automatic no for me since I passed out four times last time I tried and slept for six hours in the middle of the day because it just didn’t mix well with my chemistry… but there is a specific situation that I seem to find that I do enjoy participating. I said… ok… one… I am staying where I’m smoking… so if I need to sleep or pass out… then I can just walk to my bed and I can sleep.. so the setting was here. And the second requirement would be having an instrument in my hands. I don’t smoke marijuana anymore but from time to time I try to see if I can still do it because in the past I was an avid smoker and thought I wasn’t normal without it… but that was different substance then it is now… but when I’m playing instruments… my mind stops over thinking and it seems like I start to play music very naturally and as if I’ve been practicing with the instrument that’s in my hands at the time. I remember I found Shwag in Cusco and I found a guitar in my hands… which again I’ve had opportunities to play but nothing extensively… and normally playing rhythm on the guitar is challenging only when I’m not smoking shwag… when I smoked it… it seems like I’m just very comfortable and it comes very natural and I sound harmonious with the instrument… even though it’s not complex.. the simplicity I can find at these moments are quite blissful. Last time I was in Indiana I found myself drumming at a friend’s place and again I smoke with him… and by the way I want to let you know what smoke means to me… I take a hit… and mostly a half a hit…lol.. I don’t take much in because it doesn’t take much for me to feel it and also I’m not trying to numb out so yes a half a hit is what I enjoy if I can sleep and create music… but while together we had an amazing drums session together… I mean even his high school son ended up coming out of his room to join us on his drum kit… and it was so awesome! The only thing about this past occasion I had to drive back home and I remember getting lost and driving extremely under the influence and I hated it. But back to the story… I went ahead and took the half hit and it did just that… allowed me to surrender to the experience without doubt but filled with curiosity. So yes… I just started to get far more into the drumming… it seemed like I found a rhythm and then everyone started to sync around that… at first it was just the husband and I …. And then we had someone come in with a smaller djembe… and then more and more grabbed instruments and joined in… and it was wonderful… once people got the beat and was able to keep with it… I started to experiment and explore and it felt effortless to do this… and that heart beat was there in my mind but I didn’t have to keep it with the drum at all times… I could hear all of the space to play and then return back to it. I could feel everyone really getting into the same zone… I started to notice people dancing along to the music… I have played in drum circles before and it doesn’t seem that everyone’s on the same page. To me many times it seems like there are people who are tying to play with one another but then we’ll also get the ones that don’t hear the community drummers and they just start playing their own thing which isn’t as harmonious then trying to compliment everyone around them. That’s actually why I joined a drum troupe last time I was here… because I wanted to be harmonious with a team of drummers… and this was more structured where each song has around six different rhythms created to work together… and so it was easy to feel like you’re a part of the team… and it felt really good to be working together with everyone in the drum circle… but this night… this was the first time i was sitting with a group of drummers and players who I hadn’t met before this event… and everyone was trying to cooperate with one another… and not only was it harmonious… I mean it really could’ve been a song… it felt so good to be a part of this. I started to get excited and I felt everyone else was getting excited as well… and so we continued. The second round I was listening to the new beat that was being created… it didn’t start right away… but yeah you could feel everyone trying to find how they were going to be a part of the new song… and then all of a sudden… I started to hear the connecting music in my mind… I started to hummm… and I tried to play the music I was hearing with the drum but it wasn’t coming out the way I was hearing it.. and so I stopped drumming and started to sing the rhythm instead… it was absolutely fucking amazing… I didn’t have lyrics.. but just sounds of rhythms that seemed to bond the drum beats together… I hadn’t have that happen to me before… I mean when I’m in Aya ceremonies… I have had this experience where I just know how to sing… I feel Ike it comes out so naturally that I don’t notice any steps to get to that comfort level.. I guess there are times where I’m more exploring with my voice and so I do see playing with the sounds… but in these past situations… it was just my song… i guess I have tried to sync with my shamans Icaros as well but not as successful as it was this Saturday night… It was just different… I hadn’t experienced it before but it just came out of nowhere and I do want to thank for the safe space for me to participate in smoking which is rare thing… but this substance helps me to stop overthinking when playing music and I loved it… and a little after I was singing the rhythms… the husband’s wife said she has a chant that she could teach me…and I told her that I’m already in my zone.. if you want to join us, please feel free to do so… and shortly after… she started to sing with us… oh my god! We were making a song and it was so satisfying and blissful… I’m getting goosebumps just by thinking of it… She has a beautiful voice and I cannot wait to be able to get together again and see how this harmony develops. I was buzzing and continued to buzz until the next morning… however it was after the drum circle that I started to feel like I was a hostel family member. I noticed checking in with people before I went to bed… and when I woke I was checking on the ones I ran into to see how their experience is going. I took a soak in the tub and I was trying to do this quickly because I was trying to make our morning head and heart meeting. People wanted to visit with me and I wanted to enjoy a moment and finally I was afraid I was going to be late… and I was a few minutes late… we happened to have the meeting out on the roof this morning… I’m buzzing and filled with bliss and gratitude and curiosity to what the near future is going to bring… and I sit down and start to listen to what is being discussed… the founder was sharing and he seemed to be cumbersome… he’s going through a separation with his core partner… his nest partner… and I was like holy hell… what did I just walk into? There was a heaviness in his posture and voice… it seemed like he wasn’t prepared for this extent of exchanging their belongings back from one another… He was telling us that he planned on taking a week off once the hostel closes for the winter, but he’s going to take a few days off now so he can handle the exchange and emotional work that goes into situations like this and time to process this gravity on him. He finished with hope and positivity but it hadn’t reached his heart yet… it felt like his mind knows things will work out eventually but his heart hurts and wasn’t ready to get over it.. but feeling the need to express and digest and process and however long that will take… I’m not certain a few days will be enough time to go through this weight… I’m sure it will be lighter to some degree… but definitely not floating. A few other family members weren’t feeling the best either… and it made me think maybe I shouldn’t be so happy then… again.. maybe I should dim my light just in case it’s not easy to handle when feeling down. I decided I wasn’t going to not be grateful and express how much the drum circle did a breakthrough for me somehow… it was expressed in a more calm and collected manner instead of overflowing with excessive energy. The founder was able to get a little time to talk with us personally before he left and we had a good conversation… but yes… I’m just happy I was able to give him a comforting hug… he admitted that he’s a delayed processor… right now he cannot get out of the need to be the collected boss and director… he can wait to allow himself that time to process… and I understand this… I think I’m going to switch into my observations when it comes to my romantic feelings that have been bubbling up when I’m with him. I’ve been able to process quite a bit, but I feel like I’d like to see if there is something I’m missing as well because there’s just so much activity I’m processing and so many spotlights on growth that I’d like to focus in this area right now… because I know this is something I’ve been wanting to work on and I”m finally get that change to observe myself to see what messages I can gain to guide me. So… how do I start? Well… the last time I wrote I mentioned how much I was squirming… I mean that was a huge indicator of something new in my awareness that I’m not comfortable with because it just doesn’t happen… hehe… ok… so this has given me an understanding of the true attraction level I have for him. I don’t find myself talking with other people.. I might even be talking about my sexuality with others and I don’t squirm… it’s as if it’s quite normal to talk about my sexuality because its something that might seem like an intimate situation talking about it… but there isn’t a potential to have an experience to dig deeper into my relationship to sexuality. I can recall when I was on that date night… I told him about this and I remember I wasn’t squirming when I was with the date. I feel in my subconscious it knew I wasn’t wanting to build something deep with this encounter… it was more of like an experiment to see how I was going to behave instead of approaching it as if it was something I was going to be committing to depth. I already stated that it felt like it was a performance and it wasn’t a natural curiosity of not caring where it leads just pure exploration… I was in my head trying to figure out how I should be performing for this person. I also had another conversation with a participant at the event which led to talking about working on my sexual relationship and he had asked me if I wanted to join him in a sensual meditation together that night. I immediately asked him what that would involve? He attempted to explain and all of a sudden I interrupted him and said… wait… I don’t want to know? I’ve been saying recently that I don’t want expectations or a destination when it comes to learning about my sexuality… I would much prefer to go in without having to hear expectations. I apologized for interrupting but I’m trying to make changes and I just caught myself going in a repeated pattern. He looked at me and said this is not the first time you’ve corrected yourself in front of me… it’s so refreshing to actually witness you doing active work in the middle of a sentence. It’s really aspirational. We continued our conversation and we didn’t have a sensual meditation together. It was in the back of my mind as a possibility which I am curious to see where it would have led.. but I’m understanding that my body didn’t react in a manner of depthness that I’m looking for. It was only when I was with my potential romantic partner… when I was talking with him… that’s where I saw my body and mind squirming to try to be confident in the conversation which wasn’t as easy as it usually is when I’m talking to people. Again this doesn’t happen to me… and so it was quite obvious that this was different. Observing myself I was in a bit of shock of wondering why it’s so challenging for me to talk about topics that doesn’t seem to be challenging to talk about… why with him? It’s because we have an actual possibility to build depth with one another. This is out of my comfort zone… and it’s hard to explain because this is what I do with everyone I meet… but this vulnerableness that I’m trying to express is far deeper then the degrees I’ve already been able to develop… I’m excited but also hesitant… hehe… at least I thought I would be hesitant but I’ve been finding I cannot sugar coat or avoid or distract when I’m speaking with him. We started our conversation with Enlightenment work and found reassured of the measure of Spiritual work he’s been able to reach thus far… and in this situation it was more on the lines of professional work… this is what I do and I talk about and gaining more confidence in speaking this way with everyone regardless of whom I’m speaking with. This is what I do and I take it seriously and I understand that this is a way to allow people to understand who I am and what I’m all about. But then he asked me what am I working on right now? And then the hesitation came… and the overthinking came..and the squirming came… Integrity is what I’m becoming and I could see myself asking if I should just do a roundabout way of answering the question… because I was uncertain how far I would express myself… I didn’t expect to tell him that I’m attracted to him within the first few hours of arrival. I figured I needed more time to observe him to validate to myself that he is someone I’m attracted to and make more calculated steps to approach this with him. Again… if I wasn’t really interested in building a deeper relationship with him… I wouldn’t have had the hesitation and just express my relationship to sex is a huge lesson I’m working on right now. But there’s something about him that my soul is recognizing and so the squirming about was quite present. I see that I don’t want to have mundane conversations where growth is not happening… so I can say that I could’ve brought up areas that aren’t deep... just mention easy topics to talk about… but it was quite obvious that I couldn’t do this and no matter how much that my thought that this is an option… there was nothing in my mind except to talk about my sexuality… there was no room in my mind to come up with any other idea… because this is the profound lesson that is strongest in my reality at this time… and damn it… reality likes to push me into areas of uncomfortableness to communicate where I am and is confident that I can process and make the necessary changes to allow myself to stop getting in my own way. If I continue to delay and observe with him… is just getting in the way… let him know there’s an attraction that is present… I let him know far better through the squirming by not being able to look at him.. I was looking at the trees and talking to them.. I was a mess… which demonstrated more communication then I did with my words.. but yes I was able to get it out without grace present… hehe… and he could see me blushing the entire time… Honestly I think he really enjoyed me in this squirmish state… it was honest and raw… i think he appreciated to see how I approach conversations with him. I appreciate it too but didn’t think or guess this was how it was going to unfold. So… I guess he’s going to know that I’m attracted to him from the start… so there’s no way for me to be smooth after this display… hehe So… what else did I notice being around him? Well… I noticed that we don’t get times alone together which actually stopped me from be squirmish around him the whole time. In fact i could definitely see the potential of how well we can work together in a professional manner… I like trying to explain how I like to be the surgeon’s assistant when I’m working with bosses… anticipating their needs and getting it for them to be successful and efficient… I enjoy being the right hand man… so far work wise… I seem encouraged. But let’s explore this a little more… because there are definitely rules set in place that doesn’t seem so easy for me to be in alignment with right off the back… I know most of this will stem from me not being a part of this community for a period of time… I’ve got a lot of freedom from my day to day and so there’s adjustments to make to be able to work in his system. So what am I talking about? So… I didn’t demonstrate punctuality well during this event… which is funny because I feel like I’m fairly decent with this… but again this might be in part that I wasn’t knowing that I was allowing space to be separate from the hostel family… but I feel like I had to apologize three times for being late… and two of them was due to taking a soak in the tub. Soaking in a tub gives me so much benefits and I will continue to do this for my self-care, but scheduling it better so I have time to make it on time. I hardly use a watch. I don’t have a phone and I carry around my iPad but time doesn’t usually play a huge role in my life. The system uses FB chat where they are communicating often to one another… I mean all of the time to me it seems because I rarely have that much engagement in this style. Right when I’m working at a location of with someone… I’m there with them and I try to remove as many distractions as possible to be present with Reality. I enjoy being intentional and focused… I can give quality contribution in this manner and I understand that I won’t lose this quality… I just understand that I’m going to have to make adjustments to be in this system. I already told a fam member that it looks like I’m going to have to get a phone again with a chuckle… this seems like a more obvious way for me to get a phone because normally I lose my phones within six months of having one and so I stop trying to get one because I guess the Unvierse implies it’s not necessary and I guess I haven’t gained enough experience to balance my attention when having one. So now… I’ll be needing a phone… the last time I had one I saw benefits of convenience when I’m in search of convenience however I didn’t like how convenient I am to everyone wanting my attention. It’s nice to tell people that I don’t have a phone.. I don’t have to feel pressure of answering someone right away because they understand that I’m not fully accessible at times… I’ve been able to respond when I have the time and desire… I don’t know why I wouldn’t still be able to do this even when I have a phone… removing distractions is an effective and easy solution… but I also understand when you introduce that distraction back into our lives… we really see our relationship to that distraction and not have a delusion of what the relationship is by our thoughts. So sweet… I’ll see how my relationship to a phone is going to go and how well I balance my relationship to it. I’ve also been noticing how much energy goes into being a community member too… right…. It’s far more social then what i’ve been accustomed to lately. I was at the temple farm for eight months… but thankfully for my cat we we’re able to stay pretty much to ourselves. It was ashram time for me… so I knew I wanted equal if not more time to myself than with the community. I was transitioning to more community than alone time by the time I left… but again I see this is something I’ll need to be aware of. So… again their schedule is everyday with one day off… this seems daunting for me… spreading my energy out instead of having it focused and then allowing enough time to process and relax for a few days… I mean in the meeting founders understand the importance of intentional volunteers… few number of intentional volunteers can out preform a bus load of unintentional volunteers. The same applies in hours of work as well… When there’s an intentional worker… working on the same project as an unintentional worker… things get done quicker and with better quality… for me this applies however… without rest and processing time the quality starts to diminish. I understood this at the temple and was able to get the six hours for four days having three days off… and I was able to find progress for work but also myself personally. I mean having only one day off I don’t even know if I could process anything… I mean I have to be relaxed to process and it might take an entire day to get relaxed enough to process. Yesterday I wanted to do more revising and deciphering of the notes from the meeting but I ended up finalizing designs from the caving event and so I was drawing on the iPad all day and messing with editing videos… I mean I was communicating with people from the event.. but I didn’t do the notes which I thought I should be doing… and even today I think I should be doing it as well….but also intuitively I knew I have things I want to process and I was able to find relaxation yesterday… and so now it’s the day of processing… after i get this information purged and out of my mind… I’ll be better ready to get back to deciphering notes and sending them to the communities for feedback and revision. So they have a schedule in the morning to meet, usually an hour to break before working for two hours together… we’ll take maybe a three hour break before we reconvene on what chore we are doing for the evening, then a gratitude circle before dinner we eat together sometimes…. Definitely if there’s a guest onsite. So… I’ve been able to find moments to myself on these breaks and they help… but I also found that there’s so many opportunities to have conversations and there’s such sweet and interesting people that I just want to spend as much time with them as possible… but I feel like my mind is flooding over with information for me to process… and because I’m excited a part of me is like wanting to go on this crazy rollercoaster but another part is saying slow down and process… and so right at this moment… I have to process when I’m alone with many many hours needed and most likely days. I arrived back at my dads late Tuesday… and had to babysit my cousin’s two year old and people were asking me if I want to hangout with them… and I just said no… I’ve been in social mode a lot lately… Thursday will be my first day alone… and damn it… I need this time… in fact… with what I want to get done at this time… I want to spend the whole weekend alone too… I mean it sounds good to me… in my head right now it seems like I’m placing a timeline on getting the things I have on my plate done soon… which would be nice because I feel like there’s more I want to put my energy into… but as a note taker I have this pressure that people from the event are waiting to see the notes… hehe… I’ve sent out rough drafts to two properties to revise and I haven’t seen any changes in the rough draft yet… hehe… it doesn’t seem like they’re not in a state of urgency…hehe… so why am I? I think because I want to work with these people I want to show them my professionalism… but I’m not sure if I’m able to show my values through flaming away… hehe… I guess I just need to release this perceived deadline I have in my head… I know I’ll find moments of inspiration and get a shit ton done… but be patient to have it come into my Reality when I’m ready… I also want to create storytelling artwork for this intention convention event… I’m enjoying doing this but I also felt this pressure yesterday when I was making the caving designs… I started to add tasks so I wanted to get this off my plate…and I feel like normally if I was doing this for myself… I’d enjoy exploring more with different ideas. I felt like I wanted to make sure I got their attention through the honeymoon phase, right… most likely a month after the event the excitement weens and I thought they wuoldn’t care to have artwork from the event anymore… but this stops being enjoyable for me and I want to remove this pressure. I thought making artwork will be building skills I’m wanting to build but I also thought it could be a way to make a little side cash too… but yeah… this is why I don’t usually like to make art for profit… I start to think what do they want instead of what do I want… I’m thinking they want something right now for the honeymoon phase…and I’d just rather not have a time limit and explore ideas and whenever it comes out it’ll come out and I can share it at that time regardless if they want to buy it. Ok… good… I’m feeling much better and more relaxed… I’ll get it done but I don’t have to get it done now… and getting it done now won’t be as quality as I would like to present. that happened to me when. Was laying the floor down… I was absent minded that day… it was hard for me to focus… Honestly I felt there was a bit of tension going on with team members and it was hard for me to not feel the tension… it was effecting my attention… I was cutting and measuring and wasn’t getting the results I wanted and so did it again… by the time I was getting into the groove it was time to put things away and leave… so again I felt like I was pressuring myself to just get it done… and in the middle of picking up I was like.. no… I’m not going to leave this undone… I want to finish it and I’ll walk back when I’m done… of course everyone was like no we’ll wait… and I’m like please don’t… I’m not afraid of walking alone… working alone… in fact in carpentry situations it’s really nice to be able to do this… I know they were being nice… but what I really wanted was to be alone with my own energy and just slow down and refocus… but they continued to clean up and so I’m sitting there debating whether i should recut the flooring because I wasn’t satisfied with its quality but the table saw was put up and things put away… should I just submit a half-assed submission? Yeah… I don’t see how I can do much carpentry work or any detailed focused work done in two hours… maybe if I’m in the middle of a project that I’ve been involved with for a period of time… but to come into a space with new heys and not understanding the direction of where things are leading… two hours won’t be the desired time for me. If I have to… I will but I’d like to show how much quality goes up with working in time needed to create quality… and after the rustiness wears off the speed of time will increase. Ok… I think I have processed enough to be able to address the romantic partnership I am wanting to process through… So what did I notice are areas of uncomfortableness that I found myself in? I noticed how uncomfortable I was with touch and watching displays of affection come so easily to most who were present. lol… in my mind touch has been a main love language that I crave in the past but it seems celibacy has removed my desire to touch or more like my hesitancy and limited my touch being nonchalant. I’m a hugger and I’ve found that hugging is still something I can do easily but I remember a time where I’ve stopped myself from hugging people. But yeah touch has been a way for me to express myself and I felt myself being uncomfortable touching… and I guess it again wasn’t in general touching.. it was touching my romantic interest when I saw my hesitancy and foreignness. And I mentioned that I was uncomfortable watching displays of affection which also makes me curious as to why? The only thing that comes to mind at the moment is because I’ve lost the consistency of having touch as a part of my life that now it’s become odd? Again.. it seems like it really depends on my mindset whether I’m comfortable or not.. because I do not hesitate to touch or help someone and using touch to assist in the situation… not anything to think about because it becomes me and quite comfortable but what are the moments of touch that is standing out right now… it was the moment I was sitting on the couch… we were about to have our morning meeting Saturday morning before all the big meetings… we were waiting for one of the fam staff to finish up his breakfast to join us, but he was very engaged in the conversation and didn’t notice us waiting for him… but three of us were early and we were sitting on the couch… nothing odd there… my romantic interest came in and asked if there’s room for him to sit in between us as so the two girls moved over to give him space to join us on the couch. We were sitting like three ducks in a row and when he came in he wanted to be more in a lounging position… hehe.. so he was trying to get himself comfortable so he leaned on the girl who was next to me and so his posture was facing me and I felt myself wanting to relax and get comfortable but I felt a bit stiff and rigid. The girl and him have no reservations of touching one another affectionately and they seemed to have a bond where they were easily open to share affectionate… I’m not even sure what they were doing because of my stiffness I wasn’t even able to turn my head much because of my awkwardness…. Hehe… I glanced a bit and I think she was using her fingers to play with his hair and bit of a massage for him… and maybe she was only doing this with one hand because I saw his other hand was playing with her fingers in her other hand… and he placed his other hand on my knee and asked if I’m ok with him doing this… and I said yes, but then I started to watch how I was behaving in this moment. I didn’t really know what to do… hehe… I feel like I moved my hand out of the way and I eventually slowly placed my hand on top of his… it wasn’t in an affectionate way… it was as if I was a corpse that placed my hand on top of another and it was just laying there motionless… hehe… it’s funny because we haven’t really shared moments of affection before and my first opportunity was sitting on the couch the four of us and then there’s about twenty people sitting at the dining table eating their breakfast deep in conversations… so of course I’m glad that I’m getting the opportunity but again surprised by when and how it was unfolding… hehe… I’m a mess but I know I’m going to work through this but it’s funny to see things play out. We were chatting all of us together and we decided to go on with the meeting without the one at the table… he’s in the zone and I’m just trying to act like this is normal to be in this situation… but again I know through observation that this was an act of normalcy… .in reality I was in a moment of fear… not drastic degree or anything but I’m not sure what word to call it right now… it’s not fear but I was reluctant… I’m super happy we were all talking because it made me feel like this isn’t such a big deal and just fucking relax… and slowly I started to make some subtle movements with my fingers which he reciprocated back. I eventually had held his hand in between mine and was enjoying the slow movements of my fingers along his skin and my skin enjoying the touch not knowing where they’d be touch or how because it was a touch from someone other than myself. The sensation of my fingers sliding through his fingers again ever so slowly was very sensual to me however I was a bit distracted with all the moving parts and conversations that were surrounding the situation. I was sandwiched between two guys and I felt like I was holding myself back in a way because I thought and asked if I should be sharing this with both of them… but that was a fleeting thought because I didn’t want to do that.. I was enjoying but also wanting to get away at the same time…hehe… I was happy to get a chance, but this is not my ideal situation to exchange affection at this time. So I saw an opportunity to find the excuse to get up to help a guest in the kitchen and as I was getting up I was able to touch his calf and slide my fingers up his skin… ummm… I do want to touch all over him but with this setting and most likely because we haven’t had much quality time together… I’m not ready yet to openly explore this with him. Later I was thinking about how flexibly dexterous he was in between us… hehe.. I remembered how I enjoyed dancing and playing with couples where my hands and feet and body had all their own minds working together… I was chuckling how well he did splitting up the conversation in two manners… one was having a conversation with someone he’s built a relationship with and was at a state of comfortableness and affection… while his other conversation was with me… hehe.. first the stiff as a board silent treatment intro… to I’d like to try this… how does this work? To ok… yes I feel like there’s reciprocity and patience… to slow sensual sensations… which led to ok.. this is enough for now but I enjoyed my time and open for more. Yes… holy cow… I am open and ready to actually explore this… again… there’s a difference for me to prepare myself to be ready and then realizing when I’m actually ready… I’m literally starting to tear up right now… I cannot believe I’ve been able to get here… I’m ready to be open to a romantically intimate relationship. Holy shit… this is something I’ve wanted but I haven’t been allowing to experience. I had this expectation that if I was going to do this it was only going to be with a specific person from my visions… but there was not reciprocation… and I understand that I seem to in the past want to create buffer room to even attempt a romantic relationship… not at all times of my life, but yeah… buffer room seems to be the way I allow myself to even take steps forward. I think that’s the case with my romantically intimate interest too… I knew he was polyamorous and that he had a staple foundational partner established… and me hearing this I think I felt like this was the buffer space that I needed to be able to attempt… of course not the only reasons but I cannot explain but will attempt.. but once I started to tear up My body has gone stiff as a board… it’s like I’m holding my breath right now as if I’m searching through dark corners that I’m uncertain I want to reveal about myself. and I don’t know if I’m going to but I’m going to have to take a smoke break to relax at little because yes my body is acting strange… and even signs of being in a fear state… which again is obvious because this doesn’t happen anymore until right now and it’s happening… so I’m going to smoke real quick Alright… smoked, used the restroom, and helped my dad take some nets off his raspberry bushes… oh and took a look at the progress of his underground bunker/cellar… So it seems like I’m hitting a cord right now.. and earlier when I said it wasn’t fear it was reluctance. After being in my own space and witnessing my bodies reaction to this… it was a moment of fear and I’m going to continue but I think my pops wants me to go pick up a pizza… so I’m going to go ahead and allow myself some grace and time before I dive in again… so I’ll go ahead and post this and come back to it… until next time… enjoy

I think ppl so lack in Intensity of Experience that they will take what they get, whether it is immense Suffering or Grand Bliss, both are Intense Experiences, so since they can't create or find the Bliss they can easily find ways to Suffer so they choose that to feel some sort of Intensity in Life, it makes their hearts beat faster, that is my experience with ppl in life...

Here’s my summary of Bashar, Abraham. CwG, and ACIM - trust that all is working out for you, operate from Love, remmember that you are dreaming, do what you want every moment of every day, allow things to fall into place, create efortlessly, create with your state, live from the end goal, only do what you truly love, dont plan, dont think about the how, just enjoy the moment and the deeper you enjoy life the more miracles are reflected. You dont need to work to be wealthy, in fact, true wealth could only be considered existing in your life when it’s efortless and you don’t have to work, only play. These are the prompts I am getting - just chill, relax, trust, enjoy, play, love. It’s all a joke, a dream. I am the Son of God. Nowhere to go, just be here in bliss. Identity of being the dreamer is powerfulll.

It’s so motivating. You know you are dreaming and you decide to actually play the role of the dreamer in an adventurous way. becoming the main character in the dream you are dreaming and living from that POV always is sooo fun! And magical things start happening! Miracles are, indees, our inheritence. The One. Neo. 1. Repeat after me: I am literally dreaming right now. How did that feel? Soak in that knowing. It heals. 🕊️🕊️ creating a perfect body, being a god at sex, being wealthy, driving an amazing car, having a spectacular house, all of this is within reach for the Dreamer! His Happiness is Reflected out! Here’s my “dream” car: Her licence plate will be “Stealth”. what’s you’rs? dream house: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_qLW1zg25G/?igsh=MW90MjE5bGl3d3J4 Dreams are just symbolic expressions of our state and identity. Concocting a blissful yet functional and intelligent chemical coctail in the system is the secret to life. Chemicals literally get you enlightened if you are ready and did almost literally everything else to improve your life already. Shared my stack in another thread. It works. Feels amazing. Functional and happy. Sharp mind yet deep peace and bliss permiates. Enlightenment needs no sacrifice, it engulfs everything — your every desire — hedonistic and spiritual. That’s how dreams work. Fears are reflected too, of course, since your mind is so powerful a single thought, believed, can create a whole scenario you will live out. Ups. that’s the teaching of the story where the son stole his fathers heavenly horses and destroyed heaven. That’s the fear at high states - if I am not careful, I can literally delete the whole dream forever. Literally like when you wake up from a dream at night. It dissapears. Pooof. Forever. And a new level of existence now appeara. A grander one. A more magnificent experience. It could be described as “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.“ thusforth there is nothing to discuss above that state as it is beyond all symbols yet within experience. the question is - who wrote this message? If you answered you, then you are correct. It’s a part of your mind that is here to awaken you. But it’s still your dream. All else is a puppet. You are hallucinating others. You can stop that, but then the illusion dissapears, it can’t continie without others operating on their automatic programs, like chat-GPT robots. They rarely update their software, at the highest level you do feel like no one is worthy except you. Of course. You are the Creator. I guess. 😁😁😁

Nonsense. In any time of Unity Bliss oneness dimension or however you want to call It, i never had a thought saying "I want to feel ego again". You say the same crap Mr Bazzoka Guy used to say 🥴🥴 The audacity... You think this is Mario Kart and God just design his own videogame and gets Lost because It wants it. Child-like thinking.

An ameba is a certain Potential, You/Humans are a certain Potential...This Earth is a certain Potential, other Earth like places or non Earth like places are a Potential... One believing in the God of the Bible is a certain Potential, Non Dualism is another.. Depression/Anxiety/Bitterness are certain Potentials, Happiness/Bliss/Ecstasy are others, the key to it all when dealing with Human Experience (we the most Capability in this area) if Your ability to exert Free Will, the Ability to Respond Consciously (You choose how to Experience), if You deny this then You will live by Accident (non Enlightenment), if You embrace it You live by Choice (Enlightenment)...

I understand there is this idea that fear is just a natural thing that shouldn't necessary be completely let go of, however, if you want to reach higher and higher levels of expansion of consciousness the fear is very important to fully let go of. If someone still has fear it is because their state of consciousness hasn't yet expanded to the point where they know the fear based ideas they are buying into aren't actually true. When it comes to referencing Bashar I feel it is important to acknowledge that people have known many of these things for thousands of years and Bashar is just one person who has been serving to illuminate people on these things. I'm not actually taking this idea from Bashar, the process I listed is more in depth and direct then what Bashar talks about. One thing that people often do when investigating negative beliefs is making it too much of an intellectual activity as opposed to using it specifically in a way that works directly on your consciousness. I suggest doing both but the most important thing is doing it so that it works on your consciousness directly and the method I listed is doing it in a way where the intellect isn't actually required at all in order to let go of all of your fear. I have reached states of expansiveness so profound that wouldn't have been able to have be achieved without letting go of the fear completely because the fear holds you down and constricts you. If the fear of each individual is sufficiently addressed and let go of, the world will progress to profound levels of development, which would not be able to occur otherwise. From my perspective, any kind of negativity is stemming from fear. When I talk about judgement, I'm talking about buying into negative beliefs about someone or something. Judgement in this sense is projecting negativity/fear onto whatever you are judging as opposed to just seeing it the way it is. The comparison I'm talking about is similar to the judgement in the sense of believing/defining that something is less than/greater than something else. Seeing someone as more/less worthy, more/less intelligent, more/less deserving, etc. You can compare in an objective way but when you start comparing in a way that is putting someone/something above or below something else it becomes fear based as opposed to objective. Any kind of negative belief/definition you give to someone as a comparison is a projection of your own fear. Insecurity is fear based because it represents the ideas of being unworthy, undeserving, incompetent, unintelligent, etc. which are all fear based beliefs. Overcomplication is an expression of fear because you are insisting that things need to be complicated, as opposed to understanding that things are fundamentally very simple. Perfectionism is an expression of fear because it means you are resisting the perfection that is already built into your consciousness, you are already a perfect expression of whatever state of being/self you are being in any given moment. Consciousness is already perfectly designed and thus perfectionism comes from a fear based perspective of life. The expressions of fear I listed are some of the fears that are most common in peoples daily lives and would be very high yield if we as a society could let them go. There are "deeper" fears that most people aren't yet aware of and it's important to gain experience when it comes to letting go of fear so that you can eventually progress and face the deeper fears. If you aren't confident in your ability to let go of fear you wont take full action when it comes to expanding your consciousness because fear is a very natural thing that comes up when doing so. It's important for everyone in this society to eventually become a master of fear. When it comes to the idea of seeing things in the most conducive way for survival the optimal way of doing that from my perspective is seeing things the way they actually are as opposed to projecting your own fear onto it. You may survive more safely by being fear based but living in fear doesn't allow for the kind of expansion that we need in order to live a life of ecstasy and enlightenment. When it comes to bringing yourself into profound states of joy, love, bliss, passion, excitement, ecstasy, enlightenment, etc. l can't think of anything more important than letting go of fear because the fear prevents the sufficient expansion of your consciousness that is necessary in order to go into such states. Lastly, there is this relatively common belief that if something is simple it's not worth doing or it's probably too good to be true. Letting go of fear is extremely simple but doing this one thing can single handedly resolve the suffering of humanity because suffering is caused by fear. If you let go of all of your fear then you are at least peaceful no matter what, if not blissful and ecstatic. People are subconsciously/unconsciously attached to their fear which is one reason people rarely talk about actually letting it go completely.

Enlightenment in my opinion is all about being contended and being in a state free of attachment. It's about being in acceptance with what you are and experiencing life without being enslaved to the selfish tendencies of the ego and resistance to life. But generally enlightened people are blissful because they prefer the blissful nature of the union and egolessness over pleasures, simply because they know pleasures are costly and pushes us deep into the illusion, not because they hate them. The neutrality you are describing is a state of light bliss for a prolonged time period.When you are being neutral without being in a state of bliss, the feeling of peace will be overwhelmed by feeling of boredom and longing after desires, that could happen if you are inactive and egoistic at the same time. Do you want low levels of bliss for a prolonged time or intense bliss for a short period of time? You can choose to be highly blissful all the time, but that's rare and means you have to put more effort in the form of intense meditation, devotion or selfless activities. To live life peacefully, you don't need to do that.

I don’t care about bliss either. I care about understanding Truth. That requires radical honesty with yourself. Such as experiencing the Devil as Love.

@Sugarcoat What you care does not Matter to how Reality is constructed. Just Google the 5 bodies in Yoga and wonder why the 5th and last body is called "Bliss Body".

Even Siddhartha took around six years to attain enlightenment or Buddhahood. He studied from the best teachers around, applied whatever he learnt passionately, endured privations which would weaken the resolve of lesser beings, and eventually reached enlightenment. There were many who died and still die trying to reach Mt.Everest, the highest peak in the world or Mt.K2,considered the most dangerous mountain in the world, but this does not meant that they were beyond human capabilities. Enlightenent is considered to be the greatest of human achievements due to the perpetual peace and bliss attained, compared to other achievements which will only result in temporary happiness and peace till the next desire arises. Nothing in life comes free and you have to pay the proper price for it in terms of study, effort and time.

With the pear it was very cute yes. But these psychedelics like ayahuasca and shrooms are always rough for me. They taste horrible. And then it’s agony, horror, death, paranoia, bliss, this, that, feels like in being thrown into a washing machine.

Having both of these features at the same time seems to be a contradiction on its face (Impermanence, Shape-shifting). There might not be a contradiction entailed, but I need to know what you mean by impermanence first. I don't grant you that being in form necessarily presupposes being bounded by time and therefore necessarily being subject to change. There is no getting around this, you either need to bite the bullet that God could create something like heaven, where no one dies and can be in permanent bliss (unless you can show whats the contradiction entailed by the creation of Heaven or by something similar to heaven where death isn't logically necessary) or you can go with a set of metaphysical constraints that you put on God, but then the big bullet that you need to bite is that the existence of God (as you outined it) is not logically necessary ( which would mean that there are possible worlds that can exist - independent from the existence of God you are talking about ). What you guys always miss and this (includes Leo as well), is that as long as you don't demonstrate or establish why God is logically necessary, you can talk about metaphysics as much as you want, but you guys showing how 1 specific version of metaphysics can explain the world, from that doesn't follow that other types of metaphysics wouldn't be capable to do the same, if not more. This is why if you want to rule out all other possible metaphysical explanations, the way you do that is by spelling out a contradiciton (in this case spelling out such a contradiction thats entailed by all other types of metaphysics except the one you think is true). Obviously this task is incredibly hard if not close to impossible (but this is where real philosophy begins in my view), and this is where all of you guys get completely lost (including Leo) and none of you can successfuly make the argument. The way you get out from this burden is by toning down the confidence in your claims and not claiming that the God you are talking about is logically necessary but only claim that your metaphysics is better compared to other metaphysics (when it comes to a set of theoretical virtues or whatever virtues you want to use to differentiate between different types of metaphysics).

What? No. I, mr know everything, am here to tell you that I know everything is bliss and you're a negative nancy. Everything is your fault, existence is BEAUTIFUL BRO.

Well it's good. Who wants bliss and happiness? Let's be neutral or even suffer if we must. Whatever comes is gonna be fine in the end; or even not fine. Who cares? Let's burn eternally in hell.

The lower the iq the higher the bliss or?

Yea I believe enlightenment is closer to the kind of neutrality I’m describing as opposed to a loud bliss (maybe in the beginning when it happens it’s so)

Bliss and IQ are correlated

@Sugarcoat it is actually simply and truly being. That's all. However, idk about bliss but freedom and being not afraid is inevitable.

The Thing is the with the higher intensity Experiences like Bliss and Ecstasy, they don't allow one to function at times well in life situations, if Your a Householder and have a job and family, being Blissed out will make those things somewhat meaningless... I was watching some NDE ppl share their experiences, one Man after his heart stopped, he had 4 kids, a single father, and when he passed over to the "Other" side, he said the Bliss/Love he experienced made him forget his family, he said "At that moment I didn't care about them", so that is a bit of a danger to it, which is why Ashrams were build so ppl could go thru these experience in safe protected places... But saying that, it much better to be in Bliss than Depression or Anxiety, its just a matter of dealing with it using Clarity as a key aspect! This is why Guru's are so important!!

I suspect a quiet delight of the wholesomeness is the ultimate happiness. The exciting and stimulating bliss is just entertainment for the ego that leads to attachment and then attachment leads to suffering in the end. Also permanent loud bliss would become annoying after some time I believe.

I make distinction between neutrality and bliss/happiness. The absence of suffering is no feeling at all, vs a feeling of bliss/happiness

I’d be very content with simply neutrality. Maybe you could call that a type of bliss, but I still make a distinction between that neutrality and a more intense state of feeling something (happiness, ecstasy, bliss)

What is it that will know it's enlightened. What is it that will know it's in bliss, Stop being deluded like the rest of minds. It's the mind that wants to become enlightened and be in a state of bliss. What's aware of all this is already enlightened and blissful if you want to use those terms for it. Nothing wrong with that. It is still being known. Knowledge is separation. One cannot know themselves one can only be themselves. (which reminds me, I should change my signature). On the other side of that knowing is something that knows. In that knowing there are no words or images. Words and images are known. They come and go. You are aware of those coming and going. You cannot escape yourself. The person that you think you are, is known. If you become in a state of bliss, that will be known. Known by what/who, YOU. Awareness. Sounds goo goo ga ga, right. Let me know when you hear someone on this forum says they're enlightened. Let me know when someone on the forum says they're in a state of permanent bliss and I'll show you someone who thinks they're enlightened and blissful, someone who has witnessed a person become enlightened and blissful. Who or what is prior to witnessing that. Let me know too.