Charlotte

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Posts posted by Charlotte

  2. Posted

    Been wondering lately, been contemplating death and regret. I am more afraid of regret than death itself, why? Because I don't know what death really is. I just buried a squirrel in my back garden. I cried, I felt deep sadness, not suffering per se, but more like a 'love' cry. I realised I cry because life is lost, but then I thought, am I crying for the 'form'?, am I crying for the form of this animal?. When as a matter of fact, I don't know what will happen, or where he may go. But I know he will live on through the plants and the earth.

    I go through a phase of Nihilism when it comes to death, but it keeps me on my toes ><

  8. Posted

    Stopped posting on my old journal because I wanted to post so much but then I remembered it's a public forum. 

    So this one is gonna be less about personal shit but just life, the journey and all the minutia that is involved.

    I will be starting the University journey next week so that will be interesting. Currently dealing with a tendon flare up and learning how to power lift. Microdosing regularly, attending further therapy, meditating and as always, wondering "Why?" o.O
     

    Last year got so hectic that I barely had time to come on here, and I hated not being able to, it grinded at the front of my mind regularly. 

    My partner moved in, covid started, I started EMDR which was unbelievable, but, to be honest, it was also one of the hardest times of my life thus far. I was doing therapy and studying at such high demand that the EMDR made studying 20X as hard. After much deliberation and stalling and crying (didn't want to 'be' weak, but counterintuitively I knew to surrender to the idea was to be 'strong') I decided to opt for a small course of anti-anxiety medication, which to my surprise, helped tremendously. I continued with the strength training at home during all lockdowns, I showed up every day and made it work. Exercise, especially strength training has been one of my greatest 'anchors' and teachers along this journey. Ego, or mind, however you wanna frame it, is constantly tested and placed within the uncomfortable position during exercise and it truly is phenomenal to observe how the mind creates not only boundaries, but the limitations you 'think' you can do. I recently started at a competitive powerlifting gym, I am being coached 1-1 and he has observed how I tend to 'think' my way through mechanical movements, he told me (most probably due to the injuries I have sustained), he notices I am very analytical when it comes to something as simple as a squat movement. This was somewhat disheartening but I accepted it. I have had to let go (I am self-taught) of the mind and completely hand over trust not only to a stranger but to my body, trust it knows what's best. Feeling the movements instead of thinking them. I am within my early days of learning, I hope to compete, but I have to take it slower than the average person due to tendon issues (which I sustained most probably in my early days of intermittent fasting and a lack of nutritional knowledge).

    Anyhow, enough of the rambling. I hope to post some cool things here I discover, cool videos about physical chronic pain (again another great teacher), microdosing journey (week 3 using Golden Teacher), and other random shit such as healing, love, connection, strangers, friends, university etc. 

     

    :D

  9. Posted · Edited by Charlotte

     

    I have been in education (started with zero qualifications) for almost 3 years already, working my way up to university. As proud and elated as I am for getting this far, I am feeling somewhat fatigued of academic work. It's been non stop graft for 3 years already. Managed to secure myself a place at University studying psychology. However, the course I did last year (fast track to university course) was so demanding, pressure some and fast paced (I was also doing therapy alongside this which wouldn't of helped with the regular stresses of the course) it's knackered me for what I am about to endure. I feel so tired from it. And scared, scared to have no life like I did with the last course. It drained me and zapped me of any free time whatsoever. 

    Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Could you provide me with some motivation? 

    Some of your key ?️ advice for University starters? Trying to motivate myself. 

    Muito apreciado

    Merci bien

    Sehr geschätzt

    Очень ценится

    बहुत सराहना की

    ??

     

  10. Posted

    @Marcel this is really interesting and insightful, thank you so much. I started the practice and already had a small but growing reaction. Looks to be very promising, I don't know in what way exactly, but I will keep you posted. 

    @RickyFitts you have the most beautiful words, thoughts and feelings. Thank you so much for your support on the forum. :$:x

    @Alysssa Thank you for your reply. Enjoy the time you have with your dog. Animals are absolutely profound ♥️???

  11. Posted

    On 30/08/2021 at 3:42 PM, EmptyVase said:

    :(

    Maybe this perspective helps a bit: the fear you're feeling is fueled by the love you're feeling for your dog. Connecting back to that initial love, which breeds the maternal instinct in the first place, could perhaps help you to regain trust in life.

    You could also try to express all of your fear (or love; or any other feeling you have) in the form of a letter to your dog. If you have a creative hobby, you could express through that medium. Expressing always seemed easier to me than accepting. Maybe it is for you too. Much love.

    This is beautiful. Thank you for this. I will write a letter, love the idea. ?

    On 30/08/2021 at 4:09 PM, RickyFitts said:

    'We wouldn't grieve if we didn't love'. It's one of those lines that seems super-obvious when you think about it, and yet also deeply profound at the same time.

    Absolutely. Thank you :$??

    @catcat69123 thank you for replying. I agree exposure to the situation would help. Like I mentioned I have undergone one EMDR session, in which shame did surface. There was a feeling of guilt underlying as I was helpless toward him. That's why I feel I need to accept the fact that I did have no control and I was myself helpless. 

    Yes, to a degree and no. This is the first time a traumatic event has happened to somerhi I love deeply which I have bore witness to, the previous time it was myself. I was the victim. 

    @Nahm as per, evoking deep contemplation, thank you for replying ?

    @Surfingthewave yes, I have an overarching feeling to control in some areas. I experience OCD symptoms and have done for year's (I'm some areas) I am starting to see this may simply be a byproduct of overthinking. I am allowing myself to enter into environments in which I have to surrender and give over control and trust more. This has been so hard but unbelievably rewarding and insightful. 

  17. Posted

    I am going to tell you guys something and this for me, is an act of vulnerability. Please, be sensitive in your responses. 

    In lockdown I found myself in the most scariest position I have ever been in within this physical realm. My dog got his head stuck in some netting and was choking to death, in front of me, myself or him unable to break him free due to the strength of the cord/netting. 

     Screaming for help and in the most horrifying panic I have ever felt to date, a man heard my screams and came running to try and free him. For the most part of the longest 5 minute's of my entire life, he couldn't do it. He was suffocating before my eyes. 

    After struggling and pulling and tearing his fingers apart he finally broke him free. 

    From this event, it has now manifested itself into a huge fear of choking/suffocating (myself, others and even wild animals) and overprotective behaviour from myself to the dogs. 

    I have just started reading the beginnings of a book called 'Feel the Fear and do it anyway' - By Susan Jeffers, and she says that the reason we fear is because we distrust ourselves, and our ability to handle whatever arises.

    It then hit me... 

    The reason this situation was so bad was because I was completely helpless toward saving his life and the situation as a whole. 

    I cried. I was helpless and he was dying and I couldn't do shit. 

    I have to accept this vulnerability that I *was* helpless and I had *zero* control. 

    This is so hard to accept. 

    Anyone any advice? I have had one EMDR session on this but I need more (I have been referred to a psychologist for further help).

    Could you guys provide a spiritual or other perspective on this for me?

    Thank you ???

  19. Posted · Edited by Charlotte

    Hey Mrs. I am sorry to hear you are going through this. If it makes you feel better, I seemed to of developed this pattern after lockdown as well. Whereas, prior I was fine. 

    I can't say I have the answer sweet because I don't, I will say a few things however. 

    1. Be mindful of a narrative that may seed (get it ?) and sprout ?, all of a sudden you have this narrative of, 'I suffer with social anxiety'. You will then embody this within an identity level embodiment and before you know it, you will 'have' social anxiety. 

    2. Have you observed what is happening in the mind in these situations? The content/speed/tone etc? With me I found it is an avoidance of silent (moments) so I go 'blah blah blah blah'. So I am now challenging this and sitting inside the silence's, as fucking uncomfortable as that is ?.

    3. Keep meeting with people, talking being in social situations, don't stop. When the nerves arise, observe, accept, breath and continue. Exposure. Could just be because of the lockdown, an adverse reaction possibly? Which you are now a little rusty with.

    ???

  20. Posted

    1 hour ago, Enlightenment said:

    Yes, but it's hard to adhere to a calorie deficit, because of appetite which if you don't satisfy - you suffer. Ultimately that's why we have an obesity epidemic. All it takes to get to 4% body fat as a male and 12% as a female is a calorie deficit, it's just that simple! Yet of course we all know appetite is our enemy. That's why people need to take steps to make calorie deficit easier to adhere to, like low calorie-dense foods, intermittent fasting, perhaps keto for some 

    Yeah I understand what you mean. Although I think that the obesity epidemic is much much more complex and multi faceted than what you say. 

    When I say that simple, I mean the fundamentals of it. As compared to living is as simple as just breathing, shitting, and eating! It's obviously much more complex than that O.o

    Yeah the different ways people can get into caloric deficit depends on which would suit them best for that time in their lives :)

  22. Posted

    9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    Don't ask us.

    Contemplate why.

    You know why.

    I know ??

     

    8 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

    So what's the fear, exactly? Is it a fear of disappointing or upsetting the people in question?

    I think it's because when the time arrives, what if I don't wanna do it. I wanna be freEeEe! ? 

    6 hours ago, Shawn Philips said:

    When you visualize the future appointment do you have negative thoughts? 

    Yes. Because of the commitment thing. 

    @mandyjw thank you very much for your insight, very interesting and helpful. I sat and contemplated whether it's the same theme, I'm not sure if it is. I will however stop being a lazy sob and sit and think through this shit. 

  23. Posted

    Notice this has been a theme that has occurred as an adult for myself, feeling overwhelmed at appointments or minor commitments (no I don't feel threatened or overwhelmed at big commitment such as relationships etc). E.g. an appointment, a date to have tea at a friend's house. Something small. 

    I am scared to commit (as in agree to the appointment or friend date) in case, when the time arrives I can't make it and have to rearrange, or, rush because something cropped up. 

     

    Anyone else? Any opinion advice? :) ?