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Everything posted by Privet

  1. @Raptorsin7 Is attractive appearance a dealbreaker for you?
  3. I quit it cold turkey over a week ago, almost no withdrawal except for a light anxiety attack at 5 AM in the first day and a bit of confusion and disorientation for couple of days. The next one is smoking. I tried to quit it yesterday but lasted only one day because I ate some shit that poisoned me, vomited at night like crazy, today I'm miserable as fuck and shit like machinegun so my willpower sucks. I work in 3 day shifts and because of that every weekend is of high value compared to my jobless past, getting poisoned made me aware of how attached I am to writing music during job-free times since misery completely knocked me off the path today and I absolutely have to rest. It seems that I still derive a lot of motivation from the "should" place rather than "choose" place. I still subconsciously believe that I have to become someone/do something rather than that I want to become someone/do something. It also seems that this "have to" mentality is a consequence of internalized shame. By default I assume that I am not good enough and that I have to do something to feel worthy, to fix myself. It also translates to my work, sometimes I compose something for couple of hours, then devalue that, come to conclusion that I have to remake everything and then feel bad about myself, which is so fucking stupid, deriving sense of worth from imperfect shots is total non-sense, because every sure shot comes from the streak of inevitable imperfect shots. Shame is hell of an abstacle to creativity, simply grinding through it doesn't work, it only makes things worse. What I find effective is applying mindfulness skills. Creative block is a FIT reaction which can be untangled and dissipated. Any time I feel stuck and frustrated I check in and detect what's happening: am I thinking negative thoughts about my work and myself? am I experiencing negative emotions? Simply noticing that gives quite a relief from creative throes. Then I start to pay attention on my project: what is that exactly that I don't like? what is that that I can delete? how would I make it better? is it really that bad or am I just tired and negative for no reason? Making small concrete steps helps to distract yourself from frustration and shit starts to roll again.
  4. Main topic of my previous journal was NoFap, I exhausted it and I want to start a new one, just to unload ruminations of my mind time to time. Watched couple of videos of Ken Wilber. I would call what he talks about there a Spiral Imbalance - a lack of integration of previous Stages of the Spiral. What does lack of integration really mean? It means that you identify with some behaviors and beliefs of the previous Stages, meaning that you consider it normal and "how things should be". You can overgrow those traits of the previous Stages by becoming aware of them and by disidentifying, but I'll address this process later. First I want to give some examples of those repressed subpersonalities: Purple. On this Stage main concerns are survival and safety. In the modern world this Stage mostly manifests itself in infants. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Oral fixation/neediness: when a mother feeds her kid he feels loved, cared and protected, but at some point it's time to separate from her and if this process goes wrong for some reason the kid suppresses his needs instead of overgrowing them and it becomes hidden infant subpersonality, meaning that you feel like an infant inside and are not aware of that. In adult life it manifests as the desire to be completed by the love of other people, low self-esteem, or addictions as a mean to satisfy the suppressed need for love by other sources of pleasure. Anxiety: I have a good example in my own development, when I was little kid (1-2 yo) my father accidentally dropped stroller with me inside when he was going up the ladder, in that age it's life and death situation so I couldn't handle the amount of stress, repressed my feelings and now in my adult life I can get easily anxious in situations that are not really threatening. The need for safety wasn't properly satisfied and transcended during that Stage. Indecisiveness and lack of assertiveness: this one comes from separation issues, when a toddler learns to crawl he would crawl couple meters and look back at his mother, if she follows him with her look he feels safe and crawls some more, then looks back again and so on. If mother doesn't pay attention on him his ability to become independent safely vanishes and he becomes afraid to explore the world by himself. Sexual repression: at some point kids explore their testicles and if during this process parents don't let them to do so it may result in sexual repression in adult age. Beige. On this Stage main concerns are bonding with people, trust and cooperation. I would say that mostly this stage manifests itself in kids below the age of puberty. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Social anxiety/pathological agency/trust issues/attachment issues: if your caregivers don't treat you well you don't satisfy the need for trust and later in life you expect other people to treat you bad even if it is not the case. Fear of asking for help/unhealthy independence: if your caregivers often refuse to help you you learn that it's not OK to ask for help and become afraid to do so when you need it or have problems with accepting help when people offer it to you. Selfishness: if you try to do something good to your caregivers and they don't appreciate it you learn that giving is not a good behavior. Blaming yourself for suffering of others: if your parents always treat you poorly when they are in wrong mood you start to believe that happiness of others depends on you and become people pleaser. Red. On this Stage main concerns are domination, superiority and adoration. I guess mostly it manifests itself in early puberty in blue and orange societies, most of bullying happens during this age. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Winner subpersonality/narcissism: for example, if your father always dominates you and never lets you win or expresses his adoration you repress the need for superiority and try to always overcompete everyone and be the best despite possible damages. Douchebag subpersonality/poor boundaries/passive-aggressive behavior: if your parents don't let you express anger and just generally don't let you express yourself emotionally you can become very timid and start to tolerate bullshit of others that shouldn't be tolerated. Blue. On this Stage main concerns are order, goodness and saintliness. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Contro freak subpersonality: unproductive obsession with control and order. The preacher: telling everyone what is right and what is wrong. Black and white thinking: nuff said. Saint subpersonality: always be good, don't hurt anyone, don't embarrass yourself, don't do shameful things (hello another chunk of repressed sexuality). Orange. On this Stage main concerns are achievement, prosperity and status. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Achiever subpersonality: keep achieving even if it takes sacrificing your health or work your stupid highly payed high status job that you hate. Materialism: who gives a fuck about anything that doesn't bring material results? Rationalism: why caring about others unless it brings some gain for me? Green. On this Stage main concerns are fairness, mutual respect and compassion. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Idiot compassion: feminine compassion in cases that require masculine one. Useless negotiations: trying to negotiate with dysfynctional/underdeveloped elements instead of metacommunicating. Now to the disidentifying part. First thing that you need to do to disidentify from some sort of the Spiral Legacy is to identify it, it takes observation of your patterns of thoughts and behavior and ideally input from other more developed folks like therapists, friends, spiritual teachers, coaches. I think the most problematic parts are from purple to red, because the earlier the stage - the more deeply it's ingrained in your unconsciousness. A good technique I've learned from some psychodynamic therapy video that can be used to overgrow your patterns involves ridiculing these traits in yourself in a kind manner. Here are couple examples: Neediness: imagine yourself like you're an infant and say something like "where is my mommy? where did she go? please complete me! feed me! mommy!". Trust issues: EVERYONE IS A FRAUD! OH GOD THEY WANT TO FOOL ME! EVERYONE WANTS TO GAIN SOMETHING FROM ME! THEY MANIPULATE ME! JESUS YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE THESE DAYS! I'M GONNA BE ALONE FOREVER AND NEVER TRUST ANYONE! I WILL LIVE IN SOME CAVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! The preacher: YOU DO THIS THIS WAY! LISTEN TO ME! HEY! THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY AND THE ONLY WAY! EVERYBODY LISTEN TO ME I'M A PROPHET! I KNOW IT ALL! THIS IS HOW IT WORKS! DON'T YOU EVEN ARGUE WITH ME! I'M AN ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY! I WANT EVERYBODY TO LISTEN TO ME! SAY WHAT I SAY! DO WHAT I DO! THINK WHAT I THINK! I'M SO FUCKING RIGHT! Achiever subpersonality: FAME! FAME! SUCCESS! STATUS! GAIN! MORE! I WANT MORE! BETTER RESULT! MORE SIGNIFICANCE! I WANT TO BECOME THE MOST SIGNIFICANT FUCKER IN THE UNIVERSE DESPITE THE FACT THAT THIS PLANET WILL GET BURNED BY THE SUN! I guess you get the idea, it's important to distinguish what I have just described from judgement, judgement of some of this traits in yourself will only lead to more repression so you need to ridicule it in the kind way, because this is how you overgrow outdated perspective, not because someone told you to do so, but because you start to realize how silly and meaningless it is to hold onto this view.
  5. Sentient Glow Sooo… It's been over two months since I started taking Mirtazapine, I'm still on half a pill (15mg), I think I would benefit and be more functional if I would raise the dosage but I need to leave the room for increase at winter, because my amygdala will go nuts just as usual due to the lack of sunlight. Because the med boosted my level of equanimity I started meditating right away for around 3 hours per day if nothing happens that steals my time. I was able to meditate like that for around 50+% of days for 1.5 months, sometimes up to 5-6 hours. First couple of weeks were really nice, not much backlash, I managed to score around 2 hours even on a job that I had at that time in short 10-30 min streaks. I reread some chapters of The Mind Illuminated and meditated on the sensations in the nostrils following instructions from the book. Most of the time by the third hour I would reach Stage 5 of Samatha, I could recognize it because Culadasa writes that at this Stage your scope of attention will spontaneously expand to the abdomen and you will sink into pleasurable subtle dullness, which is just a seductive distraction and has to be overcome at this Stage by intentionally increasing vigilance and practicing special multitasking bodyscanning technique. I only used the vigilance method for now since I wasn't able to stay stable at Stage 5, proper bodyscanning is very intense mental work that takes some degree of stability of attention first, otherwise it will turn into mind-wandering or strong dullness and drowsiness. One of the most interesting phenomenons that I encountered was that when I reach Stage five the sense of constant hunger dissipates, it was so relieving and satisfying. I believe it was happening because at Stage four there's the emotional purification process and my oral fixation that was developed when I was an infant was temporarily overcome. I've read somewhere that Freud thought that libido (which is the same as Kundalini as I understand) is accumulated at the mouth area when you're an infant. If the separation from mother's tit wasn't executed properly (slowly teaching you to eat normal food) your nervous system still interprets the sense of hunger more important than it actually is and makes you feel like your survival depends on it, because newborn babies are like that: no tit = you die. In the first week after birth when the kid isn't fed within a minute or so when he starts crying his amygdala generates fight of flight response, and if as the time goes by he is left crying this overwhelming stress may produce irreversible damage in the brain, an overreactive amygdala that will get triggered with the slightest inadequate stimuli in adulthood. During Stage four you experience intense emotional purification. As you keep meditating on the nose all accumulated and suppressed emotions surface on the background, sometimes getting so intense that it's more practical to turn towards (in Shinzen's language) it as the book suggests. When I was practicing up to five hours and as my pain body got more stumulated I would just weep the fuck out of my eyes in meditations and inbetween, walking with red eyes like a stoner and not explain anything to anyone. Sometimes I would listen to sad music to make myself cry so that this shit keeps purging out of me. Sometimes I would cry for half an hour of jogging. Sometimes I was laying in the bed, shaking in agony and devastation and letting it to destroy me completely. Last couple of weeks because the Earth is getting closer to the spot on the orbit with the longest day the intensity of Kundalini in me is too much to meditate a lot, I decided to take it slow during the summer and focus more on establishing a more functional homeostasis while meditating only one hour a day before sleep on emotions, attention now is very scattered and I'm basically back to Stage 3, but I feel like I'm more creative and have more energy. I started writing music again and got a half-time job that forces me to sleep at night and not be lazy, among all things the job had one of the best impact on my wellbeing lately. I've got tons of musical sketches that I accumulated during last several years that I want to compile to quality tracks. No idea where it goes, but it feels right. I vivdly remember the advice of Deadmou5 that I read in my teens: stay in your mother's basement as long as you can because it gives you precious time to develop skills, and thankfully, my relationships with parents get better and better. Or maybe I'm just bullshitting myself and avoid dealing with independence? No idea, will see. There's proper time for everything. I feel like overanalyzing and constantly planning is just a waste of time. Lack of commitment to one thing seems to be exhausting itself because dubbling feels tiring, awareness alone is curative. I'm jogging everyday except when skipping is absolutely necessary. It feels like in those good old days when I just started visiting this forum and obsessively did self-inquiry in three-hour long sessions two years ago. Every jog makes me feel great. I jog by timer on the sunset for half an hour, almost everytime last 5 minutes I run with a genuine eye-smile on my face. When going home the release of endorphines makes me feel this sentient glow that is spread all around: green leaves illuminated by street lamps with insects buzzing around them, lovely enlightened dogs silently lurking in bushes like Zen masters, birds coiling in the colorful gradient of post-sunset sky, fresh scent of flowers and leaves of all sorts and kinds. Thinking of death at moments of difficulty helps me to deal with worries and be grateful that I'm still alive and young, curious and passionate. Beautiful, isn't it? May my heart be blown open forever. Amen. Fake it Our way of life so simple Thinking we have it all A choice we've made Embrace the world in vain and shun the true human calling It's only a matter of time before the waves consume us all The gods will show no favor for what we are Should I accept this fate? Or maybe we can make an escape Your life is what I need and one I'll surely save Days they pass Constructing a path to the stars Bending space and time Travel, I will These light years in search of the Savior race who must answer our dying call Watch the horizon fade within your eyes Within you I have to trust I will pull through This is the end of the suffering Uncertainty taking hold of the exit scheme Will this be the death of me? The end is near It's only a matter of time before the rocks come crashing down Their souls collecting sorrows on the way out Should we accept our fate? Or maybe we can make an escape This world is what I need and one I'll surely save Days they pass Constructing a path to the stars Bending space and time Travel, I will these light years in search of The savior race who must answer our dying call Watch the horizon fade within your eyes The warmth that reflects lets me know I'm still alive Carry the weight of a thousand worlds within my heart I've had enough of this I have to trust I will pull through This is the end Don't ask how we lost our way Follow the stars to the place where we used to lay
  6. Stripped of all the air in my lungs now Feeling so alone Stampede in the room like a buffalo Feeling so low Pull out all the ground from below You’ve given quite a show Stampede in the room like a buffalo Raise me up in my throes
  7. @ttom I'll check him out, thanks!
  8. @Marc Schinkel @ttom You guys both might also benefit from reading "The Mind Illuminated" by Culadasa. The model of consciousness and the map of development presented there are amazing. I think the notion of dullness that Culadasa introduces explains how we bypass emotions that well up to the surface as we progress. You can find tools in the book to work trough this phenomenon as well.
  9. Damn, the chorus of this song brings me to tears so badly. As we grow with rusty nails in the coffin among potential of diamonds and pearls. This sea of blood fills the crevice between our lifeless body and the whispers for which we reach. Behold as the water floods the red. Time commands of us to meet again in silence. Awakening to a higher light. If we sever the distance between one another, and cross out the fear we learn, all are one and nothing is keeping the love in our souls from bursting infinitely. Now what have we become? An entity of survival. Rotting flesh of the fallen stains our egos. Now the moment is at hand to rise above what was once so prevalent. Folding time within the mortal boundaries lived upon. Moving onward. We will never fade. Fall into another dead end. Will it end the same? Lines are drawn for the rest of the story. If we sever the distance between one another, and cross out the fear we learn, all are one and nothing is keeping the love in our souls from bursting infinitely. This life is one that we must live. The peace once embraced from so long ago sleeps deep within our mind. Stay forever or be erased from the harmonic physical state of being existing in this dimension. Lies are covered, but only for the moment. The blood of the weak will carve the way for the innocent. The blood of the weak will carve the way for the innocent.
  10. @Pilgrim Hang in there, the healing is on its way...
  11. @Emerald It's true what you say for intimate relationships, not for a platonic friendship. He doesn't avoid friendships. You can't be intimate with a friend the way you are intimate with a partner just like you can't be intimate in that way with a therapist, even though you talk about your deepest issues with them. You can be open and talk about your dysfunction and still avoid being in a partnership, it's one thing to talk about this and another to participate. It's impossible to heal cancer by injecting penicillin, you can't stop being afraid of public speaking by merely talking about this to your friend or therapist, you have to go and speak in public. The situation that triggers avoidance in him is the relationships with an intimate partner that requires commitment, not a friend that doesn't. So... Are you saying that he will be healed from commitment issues by not committing?
  12. @Emerald If it's true, that she is not as detached and if it's true, that he is dismissive this friendship is the worst case scenario. She will become needy and his dysfunctional avoidant pattern will only be positively reinforced because of her attention, it's like giving money to an alcoholic. An avoidant can't feel connected the normal way so they are aiming to have backdoors, because for them power = love. Or they get converted to anxious type and attached to an avoidant with a stronger pattern than their (that will dismiss them later, like his ex). Or they expect the partner to be very submissive and forget about their needs. His attempt to befriend her may only turn out to be an unconscious manipulation to slowly bend her to serve his needs. People who avoid genuine connection with others start to work on their problem when they get desperate and lonely enough, until that moment any genuine care is dismissed by them as bullshit/neediness/weakness. And I can't see at all how this friendship is going to heal anyone, saving people that don't want to save themselves is the epitome of codependency and narcissism which are far from "truly care about him as a person". If he interprets her attraction as neediness being friends with him will only make her "that needy acquaintance that likes me". I've had a school friend that was ready to have sex with me for years and I know that from personal experience, I didn't even notice she stopped contacting me and got a boyfriend. @Pilgrim With all that said I don't aim to demonize him because I don't know him, maybe he's just afraid, desperate and lonely, watch out for subtleties and decide for yourself. Even if he's afraid and he doesn't want to hurt you his desperation may be too loud to care about your feelings, don't pretend to be a spiritual savior if you feel that it makes you lose your cool, serving others against your own underserved needs is the opposite of mature/secure/spiritual.
  13. I'm sorry about your situation, I've been through something similar with a girl half a year ago. Wishing you to get over this soon. I would suggest to not have this friendship if sacrificing your need for partnership will take too much pain. @Emerald Selflessness takes time to develop, being too selfless too early may only be counterproductive and backlash, or end up in some weird situation, when you justify your neediness with selflessness and slowly develop hidden resentment or, in the worst case scenario, even being taken advantage of. I don't think this is the appropriate advice considering words that I've just quoted. If she has anxious attachment style (which is most likely the case) having this friendship is as painful for her as it is for him to commit. Also, there's two types of avoidant attachment style: fearful and dismissive, and we don't know for sure if he is afraid or just thinks she's not good enough for him and lies about the reason why he doesn't want a partnership, retreats and other activities that cause a lot of stress can make people more narcissistic and cut off from their emotions and desires if they suppress their shadow. I bet that if he was attracted to women that cheated on him in the past he might actually be the dismissive type of attachment style.
  14. If we speak from the perspective of statistics, history and evolution, women create less things in the world than men because they are too busy raising kids and running household. Men are providers and protectors, if you create new valuable things you become a better provider because you can sell it, if you apply your creativity to advance yourself in the hierarchy of dominance you become a better protector. If we speak exclusively from the perspective of human design it's tricky, maybe since females were designed by evolution to give birth and raise spring they are wired better for that genetically/biologically and therefore have whole 'nother set of abilities than men, here's the distribution of the IQ between men and women: Among the population of women there's more women that have average level of intelligence, less misfits and geniuses, among men there's less average men, more misfits and geniuses. Yes, we don't know exactly the connection between IQ and creativity but anyways it's useful in this regard. It's just statistics and there's nothing personal about that, any woman can become a creator, any man can become a stay at home dad. The problem with modern day feminism (unhealthy stage green/toxic masculinity of postmodern women) is that they view this statistical difference as a personal insult to women and fight against that. It's like butthurting because men are generally taller. Or if men would butthurt because women have soft warm tits that they can crumple every day, LOL, let's not allow women to have tits because it insults us, viva la tit equality!
  15. If we have "reality" and we have "pointer" where do this two take place?
  16. The best strategy is to make sure you are attracted to each other and trust each other enough to survive it. If you know why you can conquer any how. Also don't hope too much for the future meeting, make it work now. If it doesn't work in distance most likely it won't work in proximity.
  17. No you!
  18. IMO it's very simple. The limiting belief that you have is that you SHOULD perform well ALL THE TIME and that the lack of performance in bed defines your worth. It's total utter complete absolute bullshit. Let's say we have a woman that is confident in bed. And let's say we have a man that isn't. They come together, the dude can't perform. She laughs at him. She never had this problem in the first place because her parents gave her good sexual education or because her previous partner(s) made everything for her in the beginning. She judges him for something painful that she never experienced. Therefore her judgement equals her ignorance. Don't let anybody's ignorance make you feel ashamed of yourself. If this situation arises the next time tell her that you're nervous, be brave, don't hide your feelings. Then try to cuddle in bed, take a shower together, don't hurry, kiss a lot and stuff. You'll get comfortable and erection will come. Dare to fail and not turn away from the situation. And if she judges what does it have to do with you? Nothing, her ignorance - her problem. You worth better than your sex performance dude, forget about that shit, it's fucking ridiculous.
  19. But Mirtazapine didn't. The doc suggested it to me when I told him about my experience with Lexapro, and I did it out of desperation when my depression returned because I hoped that he knows some other drug that I couldn't stumble upon in articles about bipolar depression. I researched the drug and found out that there's low risk for switching to mania on this med. I'm on 15mg and I think I won't raise the dose until fall (it's possible to go up to 60). Probably I will attempt to taper it off the next summer. Some people report that this medication knocks you off like a bulldozer, or that you will sleep for 12 hours, or that you will have excessive sedation and be dull, but none of this happened to me. It's taken before sleep, when I took the first pill it didn't knock me off, all I felt was that my palms became very dry (it's usually wet now because of the worsening in anxiety and excessive energy due to spring fever), anxiety reduced and the energy dropped to the tolerable level. Other than that it gives me boost in equanimity, IDK maybe 30%, it's way easier to tolerate intense emotions that meditation uncovered. I practice 1 hour of very diligent concentration a day and I don't go crazy, quite the contrary, I become present as fuck compared to how I felt during last couple of years. Last spring I meditated at a similar time of the year, jumped away from the chair and wanted to crush it against the wall. Now I can easily live through this level of anger until it passes, before I started taking the pills all I could handle was do-nothing. There's a couple of insignificant but experientially weird phenomenons. One is weird dreams. Last night I was dreaming how the building in which I live crushed to the point where my appartments start and I had to live half outside, LOL. The other is vivid visuals before sleep, contents of some are strange and creepy. When I'm in bed before I fall asleep I close my eyes and start to see vivid images, couple days ago I saw a plain in the sky, it looked so real that when I distracted from it to the present moment and opened my eyes I felt like I woke up. The creepy ones are: a dog that jumps like a kangaroo; a wrist, all fingers of which are of the same kind, various jumpy-psychedelic images like this, but with real people or even couples. Today's morning, after a magnificent hour-long sit I went shopping for food, some shops that I needed are located couple kilometers away from me, as I walked I had some realizations: Because the intensity of subconsciousness is reduced, sensory clarity is higher and I could clearly observe how the ego arises: I could observe how the thoughts about the future and the past arise, I could observe how the labels "a dude", "a dog", "a car", "front", "back" arise and how they are separate from the actual dude, car, dog, front, back, and it seems so clear now, that all this theater is just chasing your own tale, you're stuck here and now and it's impossible to get away from it. It's lonely, and it's a special kind of loneliness because it's clear that no success, no life purpose, no soulmate, no future destination can medicate it, they are just thoughts that you are addicted to and that falsely seem "somewhere there" rather than here and now in your head. When I was immersed in this experience it felt like some childish part of me is suffocating and dying, not even fighting for it's last breath. From one side it's devastating, everything is crushing apart, everything I thought I have is just frames in a movie, everything I thought I am I am not, from another walking in the other direction makes no sense anymore whatsoever, my spiritual gain is irreversible and I'm a half-alive half-human that will never see the world the same way again, ever. I can drop the effort and let the walk happen, your body knows how to walk, your mind knows how to think. It's fun, it's like running a bicycle with no hands, you know that any time you start to fall you can correct the bike. When I was a kid this way of cycling always made me feel edgy and spacious inside, now this kind of excitement is possible to reach with walking, just die to the walk. There's no more questions on how to live my life. Chop wood, carry water. Problem -> solve, confused -> ignore, do something else or nothing. No complications and overthinking. I don't feel high, grandiose or crazy, I'm functional again, cheers!
  20. I have finally watched this masterpiece. So meditative, so refreshing.
  21. I guess one of the things that I plan to do this year is to construct ceiling full of lamps for the next winter. I will also probably buy arduino and program a device that will wake me up by light on this ceiling. When I go to a lamp shop with hundreds of working lamps I just fucking melt in awe. This music video makes me eyegasm because of the bulbs:
  22. It becomes obnoxiously obvious, but smoking a lot reduces my depression. I did the experiment several times: usually I smoke 1-5 cigarettes a day lately and several times during last couple of months I smoked around a pack of cigarettes (20) a day and observed how I feel. Each time I smoke a lot I feel at least 50% less depressed. This suggests that smoking cessation can increase the risk of developing autoimmune thyroidism 6-TIMES! This suggests that smokers rarer suffer from autoimmune colitis. This suggests that smoking reduces risk of autoimmune diabetes. This suggests that smoking suppresses the immune system. This and this. I'm too lazy to search it again but some time ago I managed to find several anecdotal evidences that smoking cessation caused people's autoimmune diseases to worsen. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It's a very unhealthy and also expensive medicine. I need to reduce the intake of carbohydrates and add some other anti-inflammatory interventions into my diet, hopefully then it will be easier to quit again. I didn't eat wheat for the most part of 2018 and didn't eat it this year at all, I also ate sugar only several times during this period, but unfortunately I still have to eat a lot of rice until my money recover. *leaves to shoot smoke rings in the bathroom*
  23. @LambChop I like your level of self-awareness, you must be a very warm person. When did you start clinging to him, from the beginning or when you started to open up to each other?
  24. I've seen a PhD psychiatrist and got an appropriate prescription. It was relieving to finally talk to someone who is able to have a rational conversation, I really enjoyed debating with him about my subjective experience and meditation, although he's a double-blind-study guy and when I mentioned spiritual purification he said that it's just not in his competence, he uses meditation in treatment of his patients, he's a psychotherapist as well, so I got very lucky for the money that I paid. SSRIs failed. I had to slowly raise my dose of Lexapro to 10mg over the course of 10-14 days. When I reached the dose of 5mg on the third day (there was almost no side effects on 2.5 so I took it only for 2 days) of taking it I developed hypomania. At first I meditated 2 hours, started exercising like crazy, on the last push-up I just broke out laughing because of the amount of stress and ruined on the floor. Then at night, when I was hanging out with a friend I became supercharming, superconfident, superfriendly, superdominant, supercreative, supertalkative and super-fucking-unable to sleep until 8 in the morning. I spent the night with waves of excessive energy, anxiety and the sense that I'm about to lose my shit, it was like in that famous psychonaut' joke: "WHY DID I EAT IT? WHY DID I EAT SO MUCH OF IT?". The next day I took last 2.5 mg to not quit it suddenly and then completely cancelled the next day. Then I started craving for another pill, since being superhero is fun. It was yesterday in the morning, I thought "Woah, dude.. You're up to no good, right?", pushed all my prescriptions in the pill's box and threw it away to the trash container on the street. Coming off the drug felt like getting sober, I mean it REALLY felt like getting sober. And sober is always better. I was talking to people like that: My drunk misanthropic grandfather said that he respects me and started apologizing for his attempt of emotional unload on me just because of how friendly I looked, LOL. Because my samskaras were hidden by the meds my ability of loving-kindness was through the roof, I looked at him and I could see the universe in the eyes of this neurotic miserable old drunk man, and he responded to that presence, he became loving too. Suppose that's what I can reach with spiritual purification in the future. This is what I wrote in my OneNote on the second day about my first 2.5mg: On the second day my libido decreased and I could barely get erection, I didn't lose it completely but it gets way harder to cum on SSRI, just like my doc said. My state normalized. There's some weird change though. In the evening the day after hypomania I was in the bed and started doing do-nothing technique, then the energy all over my head started flowing and readjusting and all of a sudden I felt like my energy block that was fucking me up for so long partially dissolved, the sense of relief was overwhelming, my body relaxed and I started yawning. It didn't dissolve completely and I'm still dysfunctional as fuck but something changed, I couldn't hold nofap streaks longer than 2 days during last several months even with accountability partnership and today it's day 2 and I don't crave for masturbation. There's also some positive change in perception, generally. Also there's one more positive effect: being in superconfident state shown me some of my shadows more clearly, I can recognize how internalized shame can cause spiritual bypass. I woke up in the morning after hypomania and it was so clear how I limit myself in many ways. From the other hand I recognized how medicating your samskaras can lead to not dealing with them at all, because if you're confident as fuck - why improve anything? So it seems that according to western medicine since SSRIs set me manic I either have bipolar type 2 or at least cyclothymia and I have to deal with this shit somehow. It's usually treated with combination of meds or electroconvulsive therapy. The former one is shit because mood stabilizers and neuroleptics suck and the latter one is not accessible in my city, otherwise I would probably go for it. Debunked. Got my blood tests, it's not thyroid nor testosterone. What is interesting is that my testosterone was HIGHER on a SHORTER nofap streak (they found my first test and I had two blood tests of the same kind), as I said earlier on 2-day streaks I felt better, on the third day I would usually feel unbearably worse. Couple years ago I used to feel as I feel on a third day but on over 10-day streak. My phone died and meditating with timer on an old Nokia is kinda funny, when I started playing snake game I broke out laughing out of nostalgia. I've got money to not work for couple more months and I guess even if my depression will persist I will be able to get a job because of the increase in daylight, it makes things easier quite a bit. Yyyyyyyyyyyyyikes!