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Everything posted by Privet

  1. Ba-da-da-dee-da-do...
  2. How to not survive success: 1994: 2012: 🤢 How to survive success: 1998: 2012:
  3. Buy-buy baby-baby buy baby-baby buy-buy!
  4. Breath is all we need to be... Isn't it? Pew!
  5. Main topic of my previous journal was NoFap, I exhausted it and I want to start a new one, just to unload ruminations of my mind time to time. Watched couple of videos of Ken Wilber. I would call what he talks about there a Spiral Imbalance - a lack of integration of previous Stages of the Spiral. What does lack of integration really mean? It means that you identify with some behaviors and beliefs of the previous Stages, meaning that you consider it normal and "how things should be". You can overgrow those traits of the previous Stages by becoming aware of them and by disidentifying, but I'll address this process later. First I want to give some examples of those repressed subpersonalities: Purple. On this Stage main concerns are survival and safety. In the modern world this Stage mostly manifests itself in infants. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Oral fixation/neediness: when a mother feeds her kid he feels loved, cared and protected, but at some point it's time to separate from her and if this process goes wrong for some reason the kid suppresses his needs instead of overgrowing them and it becomes hidden infant subpersonality, meaning that you feel like an infant inside and are not aware of that. In adult life it manifests as the desire to be completed by the love of other people, low self-esteem, or addictions as a mean to satisfy the suppressed need for love by other sources of pleasure. Anxiety: I have a good example in my own development, when I was little kid (1-2 yo) my father accidentally dropped stroller with me inside when he was going up the ladder, in that age it's life and death situation so I couldn't handle the amount of stress, repressed my feelings and now in my adult life I can get easily anxious in situations that are not really threatening. The need for safety wasn't properly satisfied and transcended during that Stage. Indecisiveness and lack of assertiveness: this one comes from separation issues, when a toddler learns to crawl he would crawl couple meters and look back at his mother, if she follows him with her look he feels safe and crawls some more, then looks back again and so on. If mother doesn't pay attention on him his ability to become independent safely vanishes and he becomes afraid to explore the world by himself. Sexual repression: at some point kids explore their testicles and if during this process parents don't let them to do so it may result in sexual repression in adult age. Beige. On this Stage main concerns are bonding with people, trust and cooperation. I would say that mostly this stage manifests itself in kids below the age of puberty. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Social anxiety/pathological agency/trust issues/attachment issues: if your caregivers don't treat you well you don't satisfy the need for trust and later in life you expect other people to treat you bad even if it is not the case. Fear of asking for help/unhealthy independence: if your caregivers often refuse to help you you learn that it's not OK to ask for help and become afraid to do so when you need it or have problems with accepting help when people offer it to you. Selfishness: if you try to do something good to your caregivers and they don't appreciate it you learn that giving is not a good behavior. Blaming yourself for suffering of others: if your parents always treat you poorly when they are in wrong mood you start to believe that happiness of others depends on you and become people pleaser. Red. On this Stage main concerns are domination, superiority and adoration. I guess mostly it manifests itself in early puberty in blue and orange societies, most of bullying happens during this age. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Winner subpersonality/narcissism: for example, if your father always dominates you and never lets you win or expresses his adoration you repress the need for superiority and try to always overcompete everyone and be the best despite possible damages. Douchebag subpersonality/poor boundaries/passive-aggressive behavior: if your parents don't let you express anger and just generally don't let you express yourself emotionally you can become very timid and start to tolerate bullshit of others that shouldn't be tolerated. Blue. On this Stage main concerns are order, goodness and saintliness. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Contro freak subpersonality: unproductive obsession with control and order. The preacher: telling everyone what is right and what is wrong. Black and white thinking: nuff said. Saint subpersonality: always be good, don't hurt anyone, don't embarrass yourself, don't do shameful things (hello another chunk of repressed sexuality). Orange. On this Stage main concerns are achievement, prosperity and status. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Achiever subpersonality: keep achieving even if it takes sacrificing your health or work your stupid highly payed high status job that you hate. Materialism: who gives a fuck about anything that doesn't bring material results? Rationalism: why caring about others unless it brings some gain for me? Green. On this Stage main concerns are fairness, mutual respect and compassion. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Idiot compassion: feminine compassion in cases that require masculine one. Useless negotiations: trying to negotiate with dysfynctional/underdeveloped elements instead of metacommunicating. Now to the disidentifying part. First thing that you need to do to disidentify from some sort of the Spiral Legacy is to identify it, it takes observation of your patterns of thoughts and behavior and ideally input from other more developed folks like therapists, friends, spiritual teachers, coaches. I think the most problematic parts are from purple to red, because the earlier the stage - the more deeply it's ingrained in your unconsciousness. A good technique I've learned from some psychodynamic therapy video that can be used to overgrow your patterns involves ridiculing these traits in yourself in a kind manner. Here are couple examples: Neediness: imagine yourself like you're an infant and say something like "where is my mommy? where did she go? please complete me! feed me! mommy!". Trust issues: EVERYONE IS A FRAUD! OH GOD THEY WANT TO FOOL ME! EVERYONE WANTS TO GAIN SOMETHING FROM ME! THEY MANIPULATE ME! JESUS YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE THESE DAYS! I'M GONNA BE ALONE FOREVER AND NEVER TRUST ANYONE! I WILL LIVE IN SOME CAVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! The preacher: YOU DO THIS THIS WAY! LISTEN TO ME! HEY! THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY AND THE ONLY WAY! EVERYBODY LISTEN TO ME I'M A PROPHET! I KNOW IT ALL! THIS IS HOW IT WORKS! DON'T YOU EVEN ARGUE WITH ME! I'M AN ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY! I WANT EVERYBODY TO LISTEN TO ME! SAY WHAT I SAY! DO WHAT I DO! THINK WHAT I THINK! I'M SO FUCKING RIGHT! Achiever subpersonality: FAME! FAME! SUCCESS! STATUS! GAIN! MORE! I WANT MORE! BETTER RESULT! MORE SIGNIFICANCE! I WANT TO BECOME THE MOST SIGNIFICANT FUCKER IN THE UNIVERSE DESPITE THE FACT THAT THIS PLANET WILL GET BURNED BY THE SUN! I guess you get the idea, it's important to distinguish what I have just described from judgement, judgement of some of this traits in yourself will only lead to more repression so you need to ridicule it in the kind way, because this is how you overgrow outdated perspective, not because someone told you to do so, but because you start to realize how silly and meaningless it is to hold onto this view.
  6. When people have pneumonia their lips and fingernails can turn blue due to lack of oxygen... Good news! Thanks
  7. Old but gold:
  8. Since last April I've been regularly jogging and encountered the winter problem soon. We've got 6 months long winters. Jogging in winter sucks, I've tried it several times before. I used to do various exercises at home with an interval timer before, but quite frankly I hate it. All that push-ups, squats and shit. So in the beginning of this winter I've taken some very potent psychedelic substances got desperate for jogging and tried running at place at home with music. After some attempts I realized that it's almost impossible to get as tired with this exercise even if you shake it off really fast for as much time as I do outside. Then I've increased the dose of substances tried raising my hands up in opposition to my landing feet. And it worked! Now I can proudly brag that I've been regularly shaking like an idiot for half a year. Although now, after several months or regular psychedelic 30-minute seizure it takes much faster movements to pump the blood in my veins effectively. As my body learns these movements it grows in accuracy and naturally makes it very easy and effective. At first this tempo felt really difficult. Now I can seizure in this tempo for all half an hour and it's still not enough. Goddamn quarantine.
  9. Lots of memories are triggered. When I was 14 I still mostly played soccer with friends outside, swam a lot in the local river and the lakes in the city suburbs. I was still a fisher at that time as far as I can recall, it was a passion of mine for several years. Sometimes I was waking up at 4 and going fishing before school just to catch a bigger one because that fish was only easy to catch in the late spring early in the morning. Then a bit later I got a guitar teacher, started writing electronic music and playing in a band which was non-metal. Metal came around the age of 16: Slipknot, Metallica and alike. Although my first attempt to write it has the file creation date of 2009, dunno really, maybe it was because of Rammstein when I was 15. Since that time metal is the primary music I've been listening to, but I never identified with the subculture, I only visited a couple of metal gigs. I'm pretty much melomaniac and always was, whatever catches my ear - the genre doesn't matter. Hehehe! Did you paint all around your eyes with that pencil? Oh boy... There's a whole series of vids like that on YT. Enjoy
  10. It's on the second one! Meshuggah at 14, damn, you're scary.
  11. @Theta
  12. It took me a couple of months of conscious effort to appreciate this kind of expressiveness when I started listening to music where they scream. Although before beginning with more extreme vocals I used to listen to more natural yet harsh voice sounds, something like that: Some bands that use extreme vocals are quite melodic and musical, plus they use screams in moderation: Some try to make it as rough as possible, both musically and vocally:
  13. @modmyth Hey, thank you!
  14. @Marc Schinkel
  15. Russian comedy punk rock: And something bluezish: (I wish you knew Russian, the lyrics are beautiful.) This song is stuck in my alarm clock, so nice to wake up under its warm-hearted vibe:
  16. Latest playlist update: COVID-19 be like: