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About Viking

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  1. i always feel that, but it becomes worse when i think about doing something proactively, for example to sit and do homework, to start a conversation or join one, etc. im afraid to do those proactive things and when i think about doing them i sometimes seem to not be able to act, like something holds me back, like the feeling before jumping into the water (or off a building lmao) should i ignore it and just DO the things always? when i do the thing i feel like i want to lay on the ground in a fetus posture and cry. edit- i think its indecisiveness. my mind wants something but fear says no
  2. this. try to go to a place where high consciousness people abide, like an ashram of sorts, and see how they respond, maybe they might give you insight if they see anything dark about you. if they are ok with you, and only the people around you act hostile, drop them. or keep conversation to a minimum and find new friends. better nothing than toxicity.
  3. oh great then, i didnt say drop meditation. i said drop self inquiry. also get into emotional mastery, as thats what youre struggling with. read some books.
  4. are you socially isolated by chance? do you talk to people often? I think you got the good ol' overthinking problem. in other words you believe a bunch of stupid shit. I can tell because of the depersonalization stuff. its usually overthinking that does that, and it goes away with time. (i may be wrong though, see for yourself) what I suggest you do if you're in school (i assume youre a teen) is to find some friends. (in case I didnt misunderstood and you are a teen) find some hobbies. even if its hard. get into the real world, get out of your mind. do some usual self help, drop the consciousness work right now, it wont lead you anywhere healthy atm I think. what do you want? you probably want something like a girlfriend or friends or love or fun, like most teens do. those desires lie beneath the mental garbage you've created for yourself. I dont think stuff like self inquiry should be done before a certain age for most people, because your ego hasnt solidified yet. anyway, look into your desires and act on them. ultimately at the end your desires will lead you to awakening, dont worry. keep on meditating if you do that but stop the mental masturbation like self inquiry. p.s. my reply is based on a few of your sentences, i might be wrong, im not even sure youre a teen, see for yourself. edit: to add, I think, I dont know, but I think that you THINK you got enlightened or some shit, pseudo-enlightenment, no self, bla bla bla. I think youre just misunderstanding what you think you know. thats why you should drop that and pick that up later, much later, when your life is figured out. you dont have much life experience, so you dont have the tools to self inquire properly. true enlightenment comes with maturing, not some depersonalization split self shit. your life should become better with consciousness work, not worse. those panic attacks, its your body telling you you're doing something wrong. if you were truly discovering the true nature of the universe they wouldnt be there. drop consciousness work for now. i know im a broken record.
  5. exactly what this post was made for, you're welcome <3
  6. dont get me wrong, I want to learn shambhavi badly, but I cant learn it. and I dont trust other sources because its dangerous. is isha kriya the 5 minute thing? that i really doubt does anything, I tried it and it didnt work.
  7. ive been doing kriya yoga extremely rigorously for 3 months, it gave me nothing but headaches
  8. i know this is the end goal but it will take years to achieve that happiness from the inside, maybe even enlightenment. eating chocolate wont make me happy, and in order for the yoga to work i need to attend at least inner engineering which i dont have the money nor the time right now. this is so wrong. the resistance is caused by my belief that i cant do it. its a main theme in psychology. if i improve my esteem i will enjoy doing what i do and wont have resistance.
  9. yeah i realized it after i wrote the post
  10. I would say eat little-moderate amount of food. enough so you are not hungry and not too much so your stomach is not full.
  11. for people out there: if you also have resistance and motivation problems reflect upon it keeping self esteem in mind. i noticed it could be extremely sneaky, and it may not seem like the core cause is self esteem. for me I guess my lack of motivation happened like this: low self esteem ---> when trying to study, I believed unconsciously I couldnt make it ---> I had resistance to study, because I believed on some level it was futile ---> I studied half ass ---> I actually became bad at the subject ---> my belief that I couldnt make it was reinforced and the cycle continued same with books: i believed I couldnt integrate what's in the book ---> had resistance to do the work the book required ---> did the work half ass or not at all ---> didnt integrate the book ---> I believe I cant integrate the book ---> even more resistance
  12. I wrote a ton of posts here about my motivation issues. I dont want to read books, I dont want to study, do homework, I dont want to learn, etc. I had it my whole life and it started to ruin my life. I got a ton of generic and not so generic advice, such as: center yourself, do nofap, quit addictions- you are overstimulated, meditate more, become enlightened (lol), etc. none of which worked. Ive been meditating for a year, I am usually centered, i did nofap, whatever have you. nofap worked short term because of the increased energy levels, but it didnt tap into the core of the problem, so I kept having resistance to doing all that stuff (studying, reading..) so it didnt work in the end. about an hour ago I was restless so I sat to contemplate random stuff for fun. I thank god for that decision now, maybe. I thought about how I hate studying. I thought what I did like, for example playing around with photoshop, watching tv, and then I remembered that I did enjoy to do some homework from previous courses, and then I realized it, it wasnt a lightbulb kind of realization, I just understood it as a possibility. it may be wrong but the more i thought about it, it made more sense. I still doubt it, but here it goes: i dont believe i am able to do those things successfully. I have low self esteem. when I did homework from previous courses I enjoyed doing them because I actually managed to do them. I like using photoshop because im successful at it. i dont dislike watching tv because it doesnt require any skill, so of course i believe i can do it. homework from most courses i did, i always made mistakes, couldnt solve it, had to use refferences, therefore i hated it so much. regarding books, I have read more than 5 self help books, but i gained NOTHING out of them (or maybe I did, but I dont notice it), i wasnt able to integrate them, so when i think about opening a book, my subconscious realizes I wont get anything out of it, so why should i bother, therefore i have huge resistance. a pretty lame explanation, but I wasnt able to falsify this hypothesis with any examples. I grew up with low self esteem. im a fucking physics student that does fairly well and I believe most people are smarter and better than me. I always second guess myself. I believe that im a shitty human being and not deserving of love, so when someone says something good about me I think theyre either lying or I get a strong emotional reaction (not as strong as to cry). tbh i post a lot in this forum just to get attention, subconsciously obviously (not so much now, eh?) Ive been wanting to read "six pillars of self esteem" already about 2 months but never got to it because of resistance. I probably dont believe ill be able to implement whatever is in that book. I guess ill try to get into it. I never realized self esteem is so important.
  13. when ill get my life purpose handled, about 10 years from now (im 20) i dont trust myself. in retrospect i had no control over my behavior in the dreams, i had a different "logic" back then because the context was different. what would happen if i lost that context when im in waking consciousness?