eskwire

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Posts posted by eskwire

  1. Posted

    Day 1 (Again): Orange + Rooibos Tea

    As you can see, consistency is not strong here.  What causes inconsistency?  Sometimes, I wonder if I'm afraid of it because I avoid it like the plague for 0 good reason. 

    Anyway!  My orange. :)

    • Gelatinous fibers in citrus fruits blow my mind.  They look like something from under the sea.  I can just picture the little fibers waving around with the current.  Love it.
    • Hearing my teeth tear the fruit's flesh from the peel sounded so carnivorous, like I was tearing apart a zebra with my mouth.  This was quite satisfying, actually, but I also noticed a tinge of guilt for tearing into something that had been alive.  Interesting.
    • The tea, the tea, this was hard to drink mindfully because I drink things all day compulsively.  Perhaps shining some awareness onto what I drink all day long will be helpful.  Honestly, it can't be healthy to drink so many beverages all day -- including water -- I mean, it's really way out there on the bell curve.  It has to have some sort of effect on my digestion. Why do I do this?  Oral fixation?  

    While I haven't been eating mindfully consistently, I have been paying attention to how I feel after eating and the next day.  I went to back to restricting foods that cause low-grade allergic reactions and I'm feeling *so much better*.  My irritation and hatred levels have plummeted.  It's amazing.  I wish I'd never loosened up with the restrictions; it was not worth it at all.  I could say I was "loosening up with restrictions," but really this was lowering standards. 

  2. Posted

    @aurum Right, are relationships a danger or are relationships in a lame state of mind a danger?

    I probably should have posted this in the consciousness sub because I started considering this from that perspective. Celibacy is a path often recommended in that pursuit. Can it be said that people are in fulfilling relationships or healthy ones? 

    Either way, it is a big decision. After considering it even for this brief time, my hat goes off to the people who chose it. 

  3. Posted

    I am considering celibacy, permanently. If you have any personal experience, advice, reading, or clues into the following questions, that would be much appreciated.

    • What clues are there to know if celibacy is the right choice for you?
    • What about temporary celibacy, intended to be broken at a certain point in time? Such as, after so many years or after certain goals are met.
    • Is considering celibacy at all, permanent or temporary, too cut and dry?
    • What clues are there to know you can handle the vicissitudes of romantic impermanence and challenge without significant damage or wasted time? 

    I am considering this because the fundamentally unfulfilling nature of romantic love has become more than viscerally clear at this point. To me, getting involved in the future with anyone seems like a dangerous gamble not worth taking. The cost-benefit ratio, opportunity cost, and risk shut the whole thing down for me.  

    Of course, if I am simply operating from a place of fear, I would like to know that and face it. 

    Thoughts appreciated!

  4. Posted

    @Actualized Disciple I tried to explain the concept of no free will to my mom and her face was hilarious. She looked disgusted. ?

    I have always read self-help and psychology books. I never considered it a field or thought to call it personal development. Of course, now that I found Leo's guides, lists, and videos, I see it as a field and discipline. 

    Nobody ever really took any of the advice I gave from reading such materials over the past 10 years. My best friend started a couple of books I recommended and put them down. She drinks quite a bit, so I linked her Leo's video on addiction. I was surprised she watched it, but she did. And she had a meltdown over how uncomfortable it made her and she got wasted.

    In summary, it's something of great interest to you, so you think about these concepts and what you've read. If you happen to say something helpful to someone when they need it, great. If they don't listen, who cares? You may have planted a seed that will sprout years later. Or maybe it went in one ear and out the other. 

    Ask yourself why you want other people to take any of this seriously or join you for the ride. Why?  Is it necessary? 

  7. Posted

    @Truth The mind and body are not separate. People discuss them this way out of convention. For example, you dicuss limiting beliefs as a problem of the body. Most people would call that the mind. But perhaps it is both. It is arguable that, if you get scared by the same thing a million times, you are wired to be scared of that thing.

    Reasons we don't change are in both. The ego does not wish to change. The body has been conditioned by habits.

    Awareness of what's happening in mind/body is key to change. Pay attention more and more. Over time, what the hold up is becomes clearer. 

  9. Posted

    @aryberry Accept it as it is. If you fight it neurotically, you'll suffer.

    Maybe restate everything you just said in positive terms.

    "Hey, guys. I am totally consumed by the levels of excellence that can be achieved in all things. It's my whole world. I am even mindful when I'm with friends and relating all of my life experiences to this self actualization process!"

    See? Seems fine now. Maybe watch the Perfectionism video because it sounds like you're being critical of being perfect. Levels upon levels. :)

    Like @brovakhiin said, the issue is the overuse of analysis. I find that when I analyze, I find issues. It's ostensibly the entire purpose of analysis. If you you want to just be, then watch these thoughts with non-judgment. 

  13. Posted · Edited by eskwire

    On 1/29/2017 at 4:28 AM, LifeandDeath said:

    Thanks Saarah. I think it's the "responding to our environment and others" and our "internal world" that makes sense when applying the 100% responsibility. I'm still keen on getting more resources that apply this idea, other than the one mentioned. Surely 100% responsibility has to have come from a model or practice? 

    The philosophical underpinnings of accepting 100% responsibility for adapting and responding to that which you cannot control via that which you can control are rooted in Stoicism.  Perhaps among other things, but that's a place to start.  You will find that Stoicism provides many practices for this, including techniques such as "negative visualization."  If you can imagine an extreme situation of not having control, Stoic philosopher Epictetus was a former slave.

  14. Posted

    @Michael Sneg My experience with a life coach was really just one of support. One thing I laugh about is, I remember her leading me through little mini meditations and asking me to describe the experience. She would always respond, "oooooooooo greeeeat awarenessssss." 

    @Old Soul's advice is pretty solid.

    How far along are you?

    What are you hoping to get out of it?

    Will you possibly be more insightful than your coach at this point?

    I used it because, as expensive as it was, it was cheaper than therapy and I didn't want someone tossing pills at me. Like @Old Soul said, do it if you're really struggling or if you have the money no problem.

    If I had the money, I would do it just to stay on track and have someone ask me questions so as not to live in my own echo chamber. 

  16. Posted

    On 1/27/2017 at 1:21 PM, abrakamowse said:

    @eskwire  I think is a good idea. I will do it myself Lol... I said I was going to watch all Leo's video since the beginning and I watched two or three and I stopped because my monkey mind likes to wander from one thing to another.

    :P

     

    I am thinking in creating a daily routine.

    This is Benjamin Franklin daily routine.

     

    benfranklin.jpeg

    I soooo need a routine. This has been my WHITE WHALE because I've worked odd hours for myself and been in school with changing hours each day. Benji's schedule is solid. I used to write about his 13 Virtues a lot. :) How about, "I commit to _____ routine every day."

  20. Posted

    2 hours ago, Awomanaware said:

    @eskwire Putting all of your attention on the problem and being too much analitic about the food you are eating can make the whole food-thing even worse. I see you know a lot about nutrition and you are aware of foods that are good and bad for you, that's great. Now try re-focusing on other things you enjoy doing in your life, eat with your friends and family, let others cook for you, relax into eating, don't take it too seriously...what you focus on grows. Remember the time you were a kid, eating was something natural for you. If you are researching a lot about food, and if you are surrounded with food all of the time for example on social media - try unfollowing that kind of content. Listen to your own body. Maybe you are detached from your body, living in your mind too much. In my experience, yoga has helped me to get in touch with my body. Hope this helps. 

    Thank you for the input. Consistent yoga is definitely a wonderful thing. I haven't done it in so long, but it really makes you love your body.

    I've relaxed and started eating what I want, eating socially, and allowing people to cook for me. I have been doing this for the past 8 months or so and it has really negatively affected my health. My goal with mindful eating is to find the balance between eating *anything* and being *uptight* about nutrition. It is to find the healthy spot. :)

  21. Posted

    Day 1: Pear

    I dealt with a lot of baggage and had some breakthroughs yesterday.  I will save that for the end.

    Notes:

    • Eating mindfully is like meditating.  It is a meditation, of course, but specifically: it is like putting a rock on grass.  If the mind is consumed with thoughts and memories, those return when the mindfulness practice is over. 
    • That's ok.  Anytime I get myself to focus, it's so appreciated.  It is highly taxing to be so consumed by thoughts.
    • Some people say they don't like pears because of the granular feeling of it.  I take such delight in it.  It's like, who put sand in my pear?  That's MAGICAL. 
    • As I chomped pieces of the pear away, it looked like a modern art sculpture.  It looked so cool, I felt like a subtractive artist :).  The shapes were satisfactory unto themselves without needing to look like something known to me.  It was just shapes and it looked lovely.  
    • This felt good to me.  I've been so bitter lately, I've stomped on the beautiful things in life like they didn't matter.  What really didn't matter was something quite different, and I will try to explain that.

    I really got somewhere with the heartbreak last night.  I wasn't holding onto him anymore -- I really don't want to see or talk to him ever again.  I don't have a positive, infallible image of him in my mind.  I asked myself, what am I holding onto?  What am I scared of letting go?  I am clinging to something that is causing this suffering.

    My intuition wrote down that I was holding onto the relationship meaning something.  I needed the relationship to have meant something.

    I was scared to minimize its importance.  Why?  It is the unbearable lightness of being.  It is unbearable for a mind that requires meaning.

    Eros fades.  It is coincidental.  It is no different than a car accident.  Why was it that person?  That person was there at that time doing something particular and many small events led up to that occurrence.  It just happened.  It was fun, it hurt, and it means nothing.

    Perhaps I suffer because I ascribe heavy meaning to many things.  It's unnecessary.  It's inaccurate.  It drains myself and other people.  I don't want to become a flake taking Instagram pictures all day, but there is a balance, and I have yet to strike it.

    Yesterday, I chanted for 30 minutes.  I have an altar at my home and I've ignored it for months now.  When I needed the practice the most, I walked away from it.  Chanting changed everything.  In my mind, there was an image of a crumpled up piece of paper with sharp edges opening to a flat sheet of paper drifting in the wind.  I had been so closed minded and bitter.  I didn't want anything to make me feel better.

    Now feeling good is very welcome.  I'm open again.  

    @Swede Thank you for your break-down of my post!  Some loving-kindness meditations are probably in order.  It's time to cultivate love again.  You're right, I haven't made a true commitment to eating mindfully because my mind has been elsewhere.  It is time to shut down the news unless I intend to do something politically proactive, and time to put my mind on what's in front of me, not behind me.

  22. Posted · Edited by eskwire

    Day 0:

    It's time to start again.  I've gone off track.

    Notes about getting off track:

    • There is a sense that eating mindfully takes more time than not eating mindfully.  Is this an excuse?  
    • I procrastinate.  "I don't want to do that now, I'll do it at my next meal."  The next meal doesn't come.
    • I avoid focus like it's painful, when I know it's quite enjoyable.  Why?
    • I have felt a lot of anger lately.  This makes me want to avoid eating mindfully, probably because eating unconsciously has been my coping mechanism for so long...I'm leaning on it still.

    I'm so angry and I've been trying to journal it out.  I've been doing Byron Katie work on my angry thoughts and writing letters (that go unsent, of course!) to people who are the objects of the anger.

    Part of it is that I'm eating foods that I have allergic sensitivities to.  I've known for years that eating certain foods increases my irritability.  I've tested this on myself many times.  It's not really up for debate anymore.   I've gone back to these foods and the consequences are evident.  I need to commit to myself not to keep doing this.  While I don't focus on my food, I have been watching for changes in mood, fatigue, etc after eating.  

    I commit to avoiding foods that produce a low-grade allergic reaction so that I do not overwhelm my mental state with additional irritability. 

    I'm at a low point in a life cycle right now.  I'm at the bottom of things.  I got my heart broken after a difficult and tension-filled relationship and that was good for me.  It shattered a belief I had about needing a relationship.  It shattered ideas I had about what "love" looks like, and the function it serves.  It shattered my ideas about how I needed to act in a relationship.  I've learned a lot about boundaries, communication, and self-respect.

    I'm also almost done with my Master's degree and waiting to find out if I will start a dream job.  I'm at the end of things that used to excite me and sitting in purgatory about the next step.  I feel like I'm just waiting for the cycle to begin the incline.  This is probably why I'm angry.  I feel powerless and like I have nothing to show for anything. 

    It's embarrassing to say, but I've also been obsessively angry about Donald Trump.  I live in Trump territory in the US and, when I look around at work or the store or anywhere, I see people who voted for him.  I feel like I'm walking among enemies.  I feel psycho.  I feel hateful.

    I need to surrender.

  23. Posted

    Hay Team Actualized.

    Do you think it would work to read a list of the commitments from Leo's videos on a daily basis? A lot of his advice has to do with a mindset shift so the advice is to make a commitment.

    "I commit to accepting 100% responsibility for everything."

    "I commit to stop doing stupid shit."

    Is that a good way to stay on track? 

    Please contribute commitments you remember from videos. I'll compile a list from anything you provide and anything I come across while re-watching videos.

  24. Posted

    @Juan Cruz Giusto Firstly, that's AWESOME. Way to get it done. 

    First few habits take up 1.5 hours. Long but hardly sucking up your whole life. 

    Cold shower is the same time as hot shower no? I haven't done that technique. 

    Journaling and reading at night...I would consider that (as well as meditation) your time to relax.

    My advice would be...don't go off how it feels, but actually track where your time is going for a week.

    You may find that you're doing your school work in an inefficient way and it's taking much longer than it should.

    Or perhaps you have high expectations about how much time should be spent with friends.

    Question your beliefs about friends. I am starting to wonder if once a week for a couple hours isn't enough. Being social can be a big, unnecessary. distraction. 

    Godspeed.