Disclaimer: I am NOT trying to put Leo's teachings in a bad light or anything.. this is simply words of caution for those who are prone to depression and also pathologically and seek truth in all aspects of existence.
I used to be a "light Hindu" as a child .. I was brought up with the notion that there is some sort of God and afterlife.. but I never cared anything about it and didn't really pay the God question any time.
In my teens I started getting existential.. unlike most teenagers..but also  unlike most teenagers I got almost obsessive.
Leo's videos helped me to move from stage blue to stage orange (before even hearing of spiral dynamics yet ). The separate God/after life perished from the realm of "possible" quite soon because his videos In 2016. Objective morality followed shortly after that . Free will evaporated as well easily once my intellect had taken full control of my mind.
The last "battle" for my sanity was the ultimate "Is there ANY sort of meaning to life" question. And fair to say: sanity lost to reason once more.
A few months post these radical realizations ..a realization added ontop of years of those other realizations I found myself isolated..without any ability to think forward in time. I was stuck in a frozen brick of existence. I tried to desperately fool myself back into the "safe" blissful ignorance. I tried to convince myself that I could live normally again without those comforting beliefs that leo have shattered for me ... But I realized it was just a futile reflex trying to perserve my being.
Then I decided to join the forum .I joined two years ago ..and started asking questions nonstop to the point Leo has threatened me to "do the work " and stop "mentally masturbating" my way to awakening.  But what he meant is I should basically start doing psychedelics  .I couldn't get my hands on any because of their illegality in India. I went to Thailand to hunt some hookers few months ago but also I found that all psychedelics are banned there .
So I continued posting here my contemplations and my mental masturbations .
And to be honest ..I had glimpses of the "Ox " here and there just listening to Leo's videos . Until I stumbled upon his solipsism video .and that was the final nail in my coffin. Ever since I listened to that video I can't get out of my mind the idea that I'm all alone (the only conscious "thing " in existence ,as Leo tells the viewer in that video).
I went mad for a while  .my ego was out of control.
It took almost  a year to get past it. It took more than a few sexual experiences ..learning some skills or making some money .i told myself One day you'll realise how stupid you were for thinking any of that would help.
I overcame it through understanding that not only did I not have all the answers..but that the answers I had were not the whole story. There's far more grey than there is black or white.
I told myself: "Why are you so concerned with things you can't do a thing to change? What difference will knowing "the truth" actually make in your life? If you focus your mind on things you can't influence.. you will naturally become detached and depressed".
I suffered.. and still suffer.. from clinical anxiety disorder. I formed a nihilistic view on life before I'd ever even heard of the word..or the works of philosophers like Nietzsche. Yet.. I've found..existentialism and nihilism to be of benefit to my mental welbeing.  Although.. I can understand how the idea that life is inherently futile could be construed as depressing.
But now ..I consider myself "enlightened ".
NOW what do I mean by that ?
I mean the following:
I no longer believe in any thing .no belief systems whatsoever. Not even direct experience. Nothing at all. Total and complete not knowing and childlike wonder  . I see all worldviews including nonduality and solipsism as just mental noise . I'm completely free from the shackles of the conceptual mind .I see that nothing I think or deduce has nothing to do with TRUTH. 
TRUTH is more serious than finding it on a forum or listening to a guy talking on YouTube. You must commit your whole life to it .and that's what Leo is doing .and I'm not.

Hello Actualized community, 
Some of you might remember me from a long time ago when I was just beginning to awaken, and I contributed some of my knowledge and tried my best to help the community with these subjects. I purposely stayed away from this forum and Leo's videos to dig deeper into awakening, god, reality, whatever you want to call it. 
I'll be speaking with a relative "I" — before anyone frets. 
I've had 80+ awakenings in the span of a year. I have been spiritually gifted since I was a kid, without even knowing it, but I seem to have a pretty easy time creating the experiences that lead to awakenings. There were periods where I had multiple awakenings in a single week, and the majority were NOT drug induced. I made sure to always write down the revelations that I learned and I am ready to share them with you all.
I had experiences where I was literally sucked out of the scene I was in and thrown into an empty void of pure light, love light. 
I am going to make this short and sweet. This is meant to help you awaken quickly. 
Before I start though, you're going to have to accept some shocking truths, so before you read this, please open your mind. Trust in what I am telling you here. I have personally verified every single thing I am about to share.
I will refer to God as "That which cannot be spoken" — as the word God is a bit silly.
1. You don't have a face. Notice for yourself, that you feel like you are located above your neck, but notice that instead of your face, you have a huge open window. This open window is your view of the world. Instead of your head, you have the world. The world is your mind. But it's not your physical mind, somehow inside a brain. No, no, no..... your mind is absolute and is shared with everything else.
Prove it to yourself. Try to locate your head, and point to your face. At no point does it reach you. There's nothing there. Instead, you have colors, sounds, thoughts, feelings, touch, etc. The entire room in which you are right now is a "part" of your head. 
Your head is the godhead. It is completely empty, is nothingness, yet it exists. 
2. Reality is a moving painting. The colors, sounds, smells you are experiencing are NOT the byproduct of your brain. I repeat. They are NOT a product of your brain. There is no light going into your "eyes" (you have no eyes, or face) — there is no brain to turn audiowaves into music. 
When you hold an apple, you think that you are seeing the redness of the apple in your brain, but notice that you aren't looking at anything.
The apple is existing, IN your consciousness. It is BEING inside of your head. You are not seeing it through no mechanism. Reality is RAW and you are compressed into it and through it.
When you see the red of the apple (unlike science which says that colors only exist in brains) what you are experiencing is what Gnostics call The Truth.
Sounds, colors, smells, feelings, thoughts. – THAT IS OBJECTIVE REALITY.
You get it? You aren't hearing or seeing at all, because reality appears 1:1 instantly in the screen of your consciousness, which is that void that we talked about.
3. Close your eyes. Realize that when you close your eyes, that dark field is really you. You are the entire dark field in which reality appears. When you close your eyes you cannot locate yourself. You just see an endless void of darkness with no edges or divisions. This is what you would call your soul.
Your head is a projector.
The colors you see are not happening in a brain, because the brain would need to have a physical screen upon which the colors are looked at. They have to exist in some way for your visual field to appear. Therefore this is false. No brain.
4. Is Solipsism true? No. Other people ARE in fact conscious as they are other *instances* of yourself in a parallel timeline being imagined by consciousness simultaneously. 
REMOVE the idea that only your individual ego is having a conscious experience. Drop it. IT'S NOT TRUE. Other people are as conscious as you, but because THEY ARE YOU.
Other people are other POVs that "That which cannot be spoken of" is creating and animating through its presence.
The entire universe is like a program running in the mind of this unknowable conscious being. Your life is a program, my life is a program.
We are divine expressions of that being who is on an eternal quest to understand what it is, and it cannot do it without your point of view, because reality would be finite without your existence.
4. Is this being knowable? No. And please don't refute this with "But awakenings!" — "That which cannot be spoken of" is completely out of reach and is the literal bedrock of existence. It does not have a subjective experience like you and I do. It's asleep forever. 
Any awakenings you may have, are a connection to its SPIRIT, not its mind, as its mind is busy imagining everything.
5. Is there an objective reality? Yes. Even thought the entire universe is the dream of this being that is asleep, it exists, but not physically. The universe is all mind. But yes, there ARE people doing other things outside of your POV. It is all happening simultaneously, and through relativity.
But those people ARE you. Just in other avatars for that lifetime. Other people exist, and your ego is not alone in the universe.
You are at all times surrounded by infinite copies of yourself.
6.  Ghosts, demons, gnomes, fairies, and all other mythical creatures are real. I have verified this myself through multiple instances where I communicated with extra-real entities.
7. Magic is real. That's right. Magic IS MIND. Magic is reality. Magic is the power that was required to bring this dream into being.
———————
Reality is NOT a simulation, NOT solipsism, NOT eternal suffering, NOT physical, NOT awful, NOT evil.
Reality IS a gift, IS a moving painting of pure light, IS magic, IS mystical in origin, and IS eternal.
———————
I cannot express to you the absolute truth because I cannot communicate the experiences I've had, as they are ineffable. But trust me on the following:
Solipsism is false There is no infinity of Gods, this is another trap. There is only ONE being who makes infinite copies of itself to embody avatars in its dream. They aren't separate gods.  Reality is, again, a moving painting, and the painter is a being that is "asleep" and dreaming the entire universe up. Reality was NOT created. It ALWAYS was. Colors, sounds, feelings, thoughts are objective reality. The apple is really red. Water is really wet. You aren't seeing anything. Objects are existing in you. Your visual field is a window or a negative sculpture. There is no actual "you" anywhere specifically. Rather, you are the entire visual field, and all the content inside of it.  Hope that helps.
 
 
 

Wow, wow, wow, I can’t believe the progress I have made within these two months. After @BipolarGrowth and I explored our various interests, desires, shared new experiences, it was time to decompress and integrate everything learned. The failures and positives from our experience, as well the entire bipolar year of my life/chronic health issues. 
 
So, today, I realized a Meta amount of Meta-Lessons within a 3 hour isolation nature adventure. 
These lessons are a reflection and a closing of my previous 5 Years of Extreme Spiritual Seeking 2000-4000 hours, relationship/women 700+ approaches, raw/cooked vegan 2 years, NoFap two years, bodybuilding to peak fitness/six pack, music endeavors, platonic friendships, etc. The insights from all of that are distilled here, but not directly talked about. 
 
This Halloween is the 5 year anniversary of pursing enlightenment and reading The Book of Not Knowing as first Non-Dual book. 
Distinguish the Absolute Insights with relative insights for my life only. My personal insights may apply to some of you, but I’m not speaking dogmatically with relative shit. I’m writing this to myself, basically. 
 
—
•The purpose of life = to LOVE. Love is Truth. Love is fundamental. Love is prior to anything. Love is It! It transcends any stage or state of consciousness that you can imagine. Even alternate realities of you being tortured are Love, for an amazing and beautiful way. Cause, why would existence want to limit itself if it could create everything imaginable? If you loved yourself so much and others, you would want to create infinite freedom of possibilities. And, this comes with costs obviously, but honestly, the suffering attached to existence is SUCH a small price for the payout and infinite love/beauty of Truth. Second purpose, comes Compassion for all beings, circumstances, but even this is extremely limited and not fundamental, because a part of you feels sorry and rejecting of how hard reality is. Therefore, this limits your love to being slightly conditional, with the assumption: “suffering should be reduced, shouldn’t exist, some people shouldn’t suffer so much”. Listen, I agree, but it is NOT the #1 fundamental truth of reality, compassion is more like a thought/feeling, etc., rather than a transcendent substance of reality, IMO. 
 
•Loving your physical body with proper detox protocols, balanced eating of animal products to ground you vs living food with extraordinary energy is #1 fundamental to all self-actualization work, before psychedelics and enlightenment. The latter will not be successful without fully detoxing your body top to bottom at least once in your life for a good 2-3 months. This has never been done by me, and my baseline consciousness/spirituality has increased literally 30X-infinite fold. Everyday I grow, quadruple from the last, in multidimensional, unexplainable, mysterious, and mystical ways. The shedding of the ego is INCREDIBLY easy and natural when you get the ego on board with a detoxifying lifestyle, so then you welcome and love the letting go of old non-serving egoic beliefs/habits. If you can’t reach pseudo-enlightenment states sober after 5+ years of self actualization/serious enlightenment efforts, detox for a way that works for you is top priority. Newbies must listen to this advice or will fall behind 99% of their potential in life, straight up. 
 
•Rebounding/mini trampoline jumping, moving your lymphatic system/physical body DAILY, is the real only solution to have a boundless energy, self-expressive life. Otherwise, if you’re not moving your body or getting everything flowing, you will begin to accumulate blockages: spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Do not undermine how important a $40 trampoline from your local Walmart could be for your health and spirituality. It increases lymph flow by 15X, apparently. 
 
•Rebounding is the FASTEST way to facilitate spiritual purging, releases, purification of any kind. This makes awakening effortless, to be honest. I’m not worried about meditating anymore, because I can just do this, and get breakthrough awakenings literally just from fucking bouncing for 20 minutes. LOL! 
 
•friends are not as important or life-long as I assumed. “Best-friends” is an illusion. Out growing people, or being too underdeveloped for a friend, etc is all a part of life and this path. You will outgrow many of your old friends who choose to live an unconscious toxic life full of ideology. You will no longer resonate, but this opens you up to have a greater loving relationship with relationships, so you attract the highest vibrational people on the planet for your liking. Excellence and excellence thrives and attracts. Do not underestimate how valuable a social circle and relationships can be for awakening/life purpose. Also, it’s okay to ghost people when you’re not doing well, a true friend will be there when you’re thriving again. 
 
•Psychedelics are the GOAT to cure mental illness. I don’t have much more to say about this, because just find out for yourself how this transforms your entire mental health in a matter of 2 years. Not even possible to grow this fast in 2 years. I went from being an immature psychotic suicidal fool, to Self-Actualized (actualizing my own personal desires and values)  at 23, after getting my physical detox and diet at 110%. 
 
•Sexuality can NOT be avoided, or suppressed. Transcending sexuality is NOT the same thing as avoiding sex. There is great nuance and intelligence in being able to be non-attached to the pleasure of sex and to all of existence, but enjoy sex as a part of the divine. THAT is where it’s at and when your sexual value skyrockets from anything your local fuckboy is capable of giving a women, they will beg for this type of masculinity. 
 
•Parents/family is not as virtuous as people make it seem. With the veneer of “love” just like a cult. It’s fucking survival at the end of the day. You grow to love them. It’s really not as deep as people make it. There is so much conditional love and hate in families all around the world, because families are about SURVIVAL, not Absolute Truth and Undying Love, lol. That’s a call you must answer to on yourself, because it’s a solo journey by definition. There is only YOU. God. 
 
•I Am God awakenings must be disclosed to Actualized/Experienced Psychonauts only! I have gotten myself into so much social trouble, mental ward visits, and family trauma from simply stating I’m God. It’s fucking ridiculous how close-minded and ignorant people can occasionally be, but I don’t blame them, because this path is super dangerous to anybody’s survival. I’m lucky I made it out alive and not in a psych ward or jail, permanently. Lol. 
 
•Life experience, feminine ways of enjoying yourself with friends, family, girls, parties, concerts, occasional recreational drug usage, retreats, adventures, driving around with no destination, etc. are all BEYOND valuable while doing this extremely strenuous self-actualization work. I got extremlyyyyyy bitter and hateful of the world, full of dis-ease, while neglecting this fundamental purpose of life: Enjoy the love, finite rare experience as a human, share the love with other beings, create memories. I mean this is REALLY the whole reason anyone does this work, is to ENJOY life!!! If you’re doing self help to just hide away in a cave, that’s a sad ass reality. The love is exponentially enjoyable when it is shared and given to humanity!!! 
 
•Self love and basic hygiene, alone time, diet, strong ass boundaries with toxic energy drainers, are so key here. 
 
•Girls are most attracted to me when I am detoxed as fuck with infinite levels of love, happiness, radiant glowing skin and joy, compassionate, assertive and knowing what I desire of my God Self authentically without apology, being humorous, playful, flexible, yet at the same time, very clear about my intentions and boundaries. 
 
•I feel like a god damn child again, WTF! So glad to be back home. I ventured off into “sin” and death, way too irresponsibly. I abused drugs, my body, and neglected myself for too long. I did NOT have to go to these extremes to learn lessons. I traumatized myself and everybody that knew the pure/happy me for 8 years straight. Hell is a state of consciousness, and the suffering can’t even compare to being just burned in a place down below, lmao. 
 
•People have gaslighted me way too much on this journey. Be more avoidant, unavailable, skeptical, and screen people way more intensely before letting them join my self-actualization journey. Because, anyone of my friends that I have let into my life on this journey, have left because I outgrew them or they couldn’t handle the rawness and radical Truth of this journey. Do NOT expect nearly any of your mainstream friends to ever go along with you to the peak of the hero’s journey. Most people have little ambition or desire to want this lifestyle. It take a combination of lucky circumstances, drive, resources, lack of traumatic experiences, balance, etc. it takes a 10000% commitment to make it though to the end of this journey, even if it fucking kills you! At least you died trying! Obviously, be responsible, safe, and cautious, but there is great risk in this work. Anything could happen! Someone could shoot you for simply talking about the facets of awakening or God to the wrong ideological/hateful/inverted being. 
 
•Live this life like it’s your last. Everything is impermanent, so that means that you’ll never, ever, ever, ever, have any of the experiences you have had again. Every moment is unique, in every way possible. Reality is always evolving to infinite levels of uniqueness from our human view. It’s always been infinitely unique from the beginning, truthfully. 
 
•Improving your consciousness radically rubs off on everyone you know or associate with in your life via quantum mechanics. 
 
•Drug abuse is the most limited, contracted, miserable way of living, IMO. Unimaginable levels of suffering with addiction to hard substances. 
 
•Sobriety doesn’t mean sober 100%. It’s a lifestyle of clean conscious living. Being present and intuitive. It’s a deep topic. 
 
•Mastery in anything requires at least 10 years of consistent, loving, slow paced effort/theory, and experimentation. 
 
•Life purpose and dating can not be ignored, despite illusions of enlightenment spiritual bypassing. Life is not enjoyable just being enlightened. Share the fucking love, god dammit! 
 
•Quitting my successful band and University was the best choice I ever made, now that I’ve made it through the hell of this chapter. Looking back, I’m way better off than old self, and almost everyone I know from high school/college long-term. I’m on a clear and conscious trajectory. Most people are just accepting fate/success like a leaf blowing in the wind by fluke chance. They don’t understand the deep mechanics and truth of almost anything, it’s all surface level living. No fucking thanks! Haha. Their life’s are revolving around pleasure, and avoidance of pain. They are NOT interested in Truth, Depth, Absolute Consciousness, the fullness of reality, feeling every possible thing, becoming God, or any of that. This is a rare thing to want, precisely because of how hard it is to follow your heart enough to even set the stage for the initial desire of enlightenment!!! 
 
•my lows are insanely low and no-fucks given, yet my highs are insanely high and also no-fucks given. Feelings have been intensified, feeling new feelings, and just in general extremely sensitive to consciousness. This is where life is at. You become relatable to every fucking being knowing you’ve experienced emotions/thoughts/trauma and joy they have experienced, in a human and divine way. You are so down to earth, understanding, compassionate, wise, etc. you become magnetic, as long as your physical health is top notch. Even then, people like you way more, despite it. It’s a Being thing. When people get to know you, they’ll be like WTF, you’re so deep!? Lmao. It’s the best compliment. 
 
•Work/money/independence/healthy orange is a must to stay grounded, practical, fit in with peers/clients/society, and actualize any visions of grand success. 
•Suffering can be our greatest teachers, conscious or not, as long as you have a commitment to never kill yourself or see this path all the way through. That keeps you going through horrifying times, where NO one is there to help you. No mom or dad or doctor can save you from your suffering, sometimes, not even God. Cause maybe you’re supposed to feel it and learn from it, rather than avoid or “transcend” it. 
 
——
Anyways, I’m exhausted writing all of this. I could literally talk for Infinity about what I have learned, but let’s just say that these last 5 years were Pure Horror, and torture. Being strapped to hospital beds, being injected with shots in my ass, people fighting me, cops, family issues, chronic health issues, losing every friend I had, etc. I was .0001% away from physically dying one time, but vowed to not be a devil anymore, and God had mercy on me. This was no fucking joke. I’ll write about this experience, one day. It happened after my 500+ hour 247 Two Month meditation retreat. This entire “failure” has just been a giant learning lesson from ego backlash, and the middle way. Rushing to enlightenment is the stupidest thing, once you are noticing your life falling apart. Autistically chasing it, without smelling the flowers, will result in massive degrees of suffering. This doesn’t mean enlightenment should be easy. It’s the hardest thing you can do. But, make it at least a pace you can continue without burning out and quitting for life, or killing your self from an ego-backlash. Trust me, I tried, it’s not fucking pretty. 
 
Anyways, I love you all so deeply over these last 6 years of Leo/forum. I had an old account “mrkvn8” back in 2016-2019, if y’all want to see how horribly I struggled in real-time after my 60 day retreat. I was so embarrassed by my past mistakes, I created a new account. Lmao. 
 
Namaste! 
 
Last thing, music is the epitome of beauty and love. It’s so helpful on this path, and necessary, IMO. It makes or brakes the fun of it. Listening to music depending on your state of consciousness elevates and helps process your contemplation much easier. I’m a 13 year musician, so maybe that makes sense, lol.
 
❤️

A Course in Miracles, by Helen-Schucman. My favorite ACIM quote is from the introduction:
Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.
 

One of the issues I am seeing on these forums is ignorance. The first rule of debating something is UNDERSTANDING. Many of you do not even know what Absolute Solipsism is, yet you keep fighting it. I even see people keep using this term the seperate self, the seperate self does not exist, SO STOP USING THAT TERM! That term actually confuses people!!! This is why I said human spirituality is bullshit and I'm so glad I was able to figure out the various traps you guys lay because of your inability to drop your human identity when it is obvious you are not human!!! Human is JUST A MEMORY. That is all it is. It is a bunch of sensations that arise and disappear. Anyway I will explain what Absolute Solipsism is.
1. Absolute Solipsism says you are the only thing that exists. You are awareness. Awareness has two extremes of expression, it can appear and it can disappear. Now Awareness is eternal, and is the only thing that is so even when it appears to not be there DEEP SLEEP (Imagining it is not there) it is still there because it is all there is. 
2. This awareness is a MIND, as such it can imagine/appear as ANYTHING. But this appearance is NOTHING. Because it is NOTHING it has NO LIMITS to what it can appear as, but as a result of being nothing with no limits, each appearance will be impermanent. Impermanence is its nature so it can fully express itself in an Absolute Infinite variety.
3. What does all this mean? This means that all appearance of distinction is not true because it is just awareness. It means that since YOU ARE AWARENESS that you are ALL ALONE. You have to CREATE OTHER to experience yourself, because there is only ONE SINGULAR AWARENESS. This means that voice you hear in your head when you think, is NO DIFFERENT than the voices of the people you meet in your life. Everyone, everything, is just a thought in the mind of awareness. So you are ALWAYS talking to yourself, and experiencing yourself because you are THE SELF, THE I AM. 
4. Many on the forums think I am saying the avatar is all alone, HELL NO the avatar you see is no different than the other avatars you see, it is just an appearance!! You erroneously think this is what Absolute Solipsism is because YOU ARE TOO ATTACHED TO THE HUMAN IDENTITY!! That is not what it is saying!! Think about it? Is the human identity absolute? NO!!! So why the hell would Absolute Solipsism be saying that? Notice YOU are making this mistake out of your self-bias!!! What it is saying....is whatever is appearing in the present moment IS ALL THAT IS!! Your awareness IS ABSOLUTE!!! 
5. The ramifications of this are as follows. If you are in your room, with your doors closed then there are NO OTHER ROOMS in the present moment. If you do NOT SEE any other visuals....then there are NO OTHER VISUALS. If you do not hear something, then that sound does not exist. YOU ARE EXISTENCE. If it is not within your awareness then it does not exist!!! Now you can FOOL yourself by saying it exists (imagining the possibility) and once you imagine that possibility then it exists in your awareness as a possibility being expressed in your mind. You see you use your human level imagination in conjunction with your waking level more stable/consistent imagination to fool yourself! The first thing you need to stop doing is using your human level imagination to create lies such as time, space, science, a past, a future, the belief that you can die, and the belief that when people leave your awareness to (claim) to go somewhere else that they exist outside your awareness, and lastly that when your avatar perishes that the world will still exist. All of these human level imagination bullshit lies are false!!! THERE IS ONLY YOU!!!
6. That screen that everything arises in as an appearance is ABSOLUTE!!! How it hides itself as the absolute is through labeling and stories. You create the appearance of arms, torso, legs and feet that move upon a ground and they remain the constant (even though it does change in other ways appearance wise) and you take that as you. Then it looks at a chair and it thinks the chair is somehow different to that arm, torso, legs and feet. Through this it creates an other. But what it doesn't realize is that chair is equally just as much part of the scenery as the arms, the torso, legs, and feet. So the relative is the constant changing of ALL appearances, this relative is all comparison of appearances. Its like you have an etch and sketch, while keeping the arms, torso, legs and feet constant you are constantly erasing everything else to draw something new. But there is always one constant...the screen of awareness. So then you will ask....but what about when you go into deep sleep? Even then you are there, because you are aware that YOU blanked out. 
7. Now notice in DEEP SLEEP there is a lack of appearance. No sound, no visual appearance, no time, no space, there is NOTHING. THIS IS YOUR TRUE IDENTITY. But notice...you cannot experience what you are...without the appearance of SOMETHING!!! But that something....is no different than the blankness/blackout of Nothing. This is PROOF you cannot die!!! Also if you pay attention...in your direct experience....blank is happening all the time!!! Move your hand...NOTICE for it to move from left to right it has to BLANK out of existence. Motion is just you blinking in and out of awareness. This means when you walk around...you have died and been brought back to life. You call death disappearance, and life appearance. But NOTICE in your life you are always seeing appearance and disappearance. This is why...existence is MAGIC. This appearance and disappearance has NO MECHANISM!! It is INSTANT at all times!! THIS IS THE GREAT MYSTERY because it cannot be explained. 
So there you have it, THIS is absolute solipsism and it CANNOT be disproven no matter how hard you try!!!
You can watch these videos by Leo and use this post as well to help you.
These additional videos can help as well:
Also personally for me these insights were especially helpful for me:
https://www.actualized.org/insights/actualized-quotes-020
Also after you awaken.....this will be your new journey
https://www.actualized.org/insights/actualized-quotes-019
 

Last week I was thinking about posting a random appreciation for actualized.org but didn't and then after I read that Leo was absent for awhile I began to observe the impermanence of the channel and then everything else. It made me appreciate the things that I have more.
So I'm writing this to inspire others to do the same. Drop a line if you appreciate actualized.org. 

You think that ultimately there will be someone who'll be getting it... You are waiting for someone to get it, not knowing you are waiting for yourself... To realize you need not await anyone who gets it, because there's only YOU. So, who else can get it? And then, you finally get it!
But remember, it is knowing who you are. You are THAT. Only As THAT, you're One. And as One, you're ALL.
 
This comes with an energetic shift, suddenly more energy has been absorbed, release occurs is muscle/body where needed which was being held subconsciously and unknowingly.
 
Be One. Be that.
You come down from that to talk and play and engage. Then go back into yourself where you are one.
 
Hands need not grasped physically. Hands joined become One.
Yet hearts know no boundaries, being One with the heart is being One with all who are in You being with the heart/whole/resistance-free-flow. If hearts are joined, distance don't matter. You're in a Tesla, stay alert and simply turn when needed. You will find life, like Tesla, will take care of itself when you let it. All it asks is your Trust in it, like the Tesla does. Trust means steering is surrendered. You may steer wherever you wish, or you may enjoy the ride in your Trust. 
 
And remember, there's no proof of trust. Trust must be blind otherwise it's not trust you see? Trust is something you dive into. It's the unknown. It's the Tesla to a blindfolded you. The blindfolds come off and so so only ONCE, and you see you're in a Tesla. But it's even better. You're in a movie theater watching a POV VR movie.

If you observe what is happening without labeling it, you'll see that it's is just a big spontaneous happening, which is exactly like imagination: spontaneous creativity without any true origin. From this perspective, it sounds more valid to say that everything is imaginary, because there is no true "ground" from which things are arising out from. But this is also just a linguistic preference. You could describe it as "groundless" or "empty" or "nothing", or choose to not describe it at all.
That said, if you want to start labeling what is happening, you can start to make distinctions between things like "real" and "not real". For example, people will often call something not real if it's not shared among other people. If you're seeing pink elephants and nobody else are, they will tell you that it's not real. This is in fact where you get concepts like objective/physical reality: there seems to be a shared underlying ground from which a great amount of things are arising out from. But the mistake would be to think that this "shared ground" is nothing more than a label, just like "real" and "people".

And remember, failure on this journey is for a good reason. Failure, too, pass it will.
Pass onto your higher self, will you?

There is truth in mathematics but you have to understand what kind of truth it is. It is conceptual in nature. You have to consider its limits, context, and what you're using it for. You have to be careful about what you think it means.

@Leo Gura 

https://openai.com/product/gpt-4

This is my first honest attempt at doing spiritual autolysis. This is a method to attaining truth- realization coined by Jed McKenna. "Autolysis" means self-digestion, and "Spiritual" means the level of self that encompasses the mental, physical and emotional aspects. All you really have to do is write the truth. Just write down what you know is true, or what you think is true, and just keeping writing, until you come up with something that is true. 
Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #1 - Wed Apr 19 '23 - 8:28 AM
Lower self: I am a human being. My name is Ben. I know that I am a human being because I was told that I am a human being from my schooling and my parents and everyone else within society. I am told that we as human beings have evolved from chimpanzees or bonobos.
Higher self: Okay... do you have any direct experience of yourself as being  a human being?
Lower self: No... this is just what I have been told.
Higher self: Okay... then how do you know that it is true?
Lower self: Well... I don't. I am just trusting what other people have told me.
Higher self: Okay, then we agree that you do not know for a fact that you are a human being?
Lower self: Yes. I agree... My name is Ben though. I was given this name from my parents when I first came out of the womb.
Higher self: Have you ever experienced what it means to be Ben?
Lower self: Well... I have a bunch of beliefs and pictures in my head that I feel like embody who I, or Ben is as a person, i.e. what Ben is good at, what he's bad at, which people are my best friends, who Ben's family is, etc.
Higher self: Okay... Would you agree that these are all just beliefs and pictures in your head, this Ben cannot be a truth within the universe. There is nothing fundamental about it. You do not know what it is like to be Ben. These are all just fictions in your head, beliefs about yourself, there is no being to speak of.
Lower self: Yes, I agree. I am starting to see a recurring pattern here. Does the truth lie within being? 
Higher self: Yes, I think so.
Lower self: Well how do you know?
Higher self: Well... I don't know, it just seems like the correct way of thinking about things. If all of these beliefs and fictions in our heads are just that, fictions like Pete Ralston has talked about, then how else are we going to come to the truth about things.
Lower self: First off, you are putting your faith in Peter Ralston too much. How do you know what he is saying is true?
Higher self: You're right, I don't. I want to question what he is saying as well. But... we have already established that there is no inherent truth to the Ben label or the human being label, correct? And this has been established because when we boil down the human being label, this is just a label that other people have come up with in order to label what this species should be called. We call this species human beings. No pure truth to this. Just a label. Same with the beliefs that you hold about Ben, no pure, fundamental truth there either. That is what this work is all about, cutting past all of the bullshit labels and getting to what is truly TRUE. That is what we are after here, and I think this was a good start young Padawan. 
Lower self: Thank you  When will we speak again?
Higher self: When you are ready.

I’ve noticed something I have seen on the forum and a lot in myself lately and that is that everyone here (myself included) is becoming less curious or aka a know-it-all. I see all of these posts on “I have Awakened to this this ask me anything.” Or “I have awakened to this or that.” I don’t know why. I just notice less openmindedness and less people asking genuine questions in their original posts. 
Self-deception is contagious. To engage with the self-deception of others is to become self-deceived myself. I just wanted to point this out because nobody really seems to question anything on here.
People are just coming to share their self-deceptions thinking they are sharing an awakening. 
I am really writing this post to remind myself here of what I need to do. I think the best way to counteract self-deception is to always remain curious and don’t get caught up in needing to share anything with others. That very desire to share an awakening with others is part of the self-deception. 
If I know the truth, why do I need to share it with others? I know it’s because I am not confident in it and want some validation. But nobody can ever validate such things because it assumes they are not self-deceived.
I guess the key here is to propose genuine questions and keep being curious. I need to remind myself that awakening is a dream and part of the self-deception. Awakening isn’t the end of curiosity but part of it.
A know it all stops learning. I have become that in many parts of my life. 
In what areas are you a know-it-all? How have you been able to stay curious and learn? How can we foster a culture of learning here? 
I need to think about this more. I just needed to get that out of my brain for now.
I am now starting to think that Awakening is a Self-deception and true awakening is realizing that and becoming free from self-deception. But I also question that too because how can I become free from self-deception of reality itself is a self-deception? Nirvana and Enlightenment seem to be Buddhist fictions. All I see in spiritual communities is everyone parroting the same ideas with no original thought. Spirituality is just another human game. I don’t even know who is awake anymore. All the spiritual gurus I thought were awake, I am realizing that they are all full of crap just by hearing their self-deceptions in their own work. Osho is not awake. Mooji is not awake. Jim Carey is not awake. Tolle is not awake. Jed McKenna is not awake. Peter Ralston is not awake. The Buddha is not awake. Leo Gura is not awake. Jesus is not awake. Maharishi is not awake. Bashar is not awake. David Lion is not awake. Nahm is not awake. I am not awake.
What are some of the best ways to stay curious? Some people are more curious than others. Genetics and environment play a part in that. It is a self-deception to focus on the awakenings of others.
Sorry if this is a ramble. I have experienced jhanas and cessations and had mystical experiences into the nature of Absolute Beauty and Intelligence. But it seems like there are infinitely more places to go in my consciousness. I can never reach the end because there is none.
It seems like the final awakening will be in my death and everything else until that point will always be subpar. Death seems the only way to reach “the end” or “beginning” however you want to look at it.
How do you stay curious and become even more curious? The more insights I have, the less curious I notice myself becoming.

Today I would like give you a new word to your vocabulory, to differentiate between actual Solipsism and something I've termed Solopsism
Solopsism is the notion that you are alone as in your visual field being the only thing that exists
In actual experience, your visual field is only the topmost layer of experience.
Just like we can't feel the overflowing amounts of love all the time, we can't constantly feel that there is more than our visual field.
Believing that your visual field is all that there is, is the same thing as believing only your body is conscious or feeling, just at a bit higher level than that. 
Anybody who has deep enough trips can easily understand that consciousness is deeper than this.
Solopsism has no real love in it, because everyone else is a lesser imagination than you, you are the only alive being in it basically, everyone else is 'just' imaginary.
Anybody who truly believes in Solopsism can not understand Love, because Love is real and not only some thing you hallucinate.
Reality, Love, God, or anything you experience, none of them are a hallucination. 
God does not hallucinate.

God is one, alone, but also together with itself. Solopsism has nothing to be together with, because you cannot feel any other body's experience.
God is with God, you should try to understand that Love is about God loving God, but this does not work with Solopsism because there is nobody to love as feelings would not be mutual or go through, as your only POV would be the only thing with any feeling in it.
Solopsism is a very egotistical notion for people who misunderstand the overwhelming amounts of Love during trips and try to make it their own on their visual field. The overflowing Love is not coming from your visual field but from somewhere far deeper than that. 
When the ego comes back after a trip, it will want to take ownership of the Love and make itself the only thing that feels once again. This time the Ego expands from the brain or body to the visual field. You can also develop a group ego. The ego can also expand to become something like classical nonduality, or creating an in-out group with specific types of egos.

In actual Solipsism, God is the sole thing, yes that is true, but God is not only your visual field. 
God's experience is far more multidimensional than one human POV.
God has an infinite number of POVs right now, at this second, and all of them are perfectly in sync and conscious of each other. God does not really have a POV, but saying there are an infinite number of POVs is closer to the truth than saying it is only your visual field.
One consciousness does not mean one visual field.
You can also contemplate Solopsism in how it would actually collapse in on itself, if it were true, but I do not have the proper language to communicate this to you right now.
Solipsism does not contradict nonduality at all, nor are your trips relating to nonduality suddenly false because of Solipsism.
Solipsism is just at a bit higher level than nonduality, in terms of understanding, but nonduality is definitely very true
Reality is not imagined around you, you are far more multidimensional than you think. You are not in some 3D visual field bubble, even though this might be how it feels to you most of the time. 
God has only one experience, but it is not only your own 'POV'.
Solopsism is the idea that you are imagining everything else, but this is just another Dualism. In actual Solipsism, experience is the Imagination, it is not imagined by anything. Even though things like brains are imaginary, they are still real in that God is the imagination. The brain is still not a limitation to Experience, but you can't make everything lesser than God in your experience.
Absolute Solipsism is very true, but the Absolute is not your visual field... It is infinitely deeper and more intelligent than the current visual field layer.
I've also discovered something beyond Absolute Solipsism, which I've termed Transcendental Solipsism to differentiate from Absolute Solipsism. I've also found out about qualified nonduality which is a bit more accurate than regular nonduality.
Classical nonduality is not nonduality, it is actually false, but you should integrate and understand actual nonduality and actual Solipsism. 
God is Solo, but don't confuse it with Solopsism
Understand deeply how the ego wants to be the only conscious thing in a limited fashion, and how Solopsism is just the ego in a deeper disguise. 
One or Alone does not imply one alone visual field. God ultimately is Alone, but your body and visual field are not Alone.
I have also long since been in contact with Sex Love God and will also make a post about that in the future, alongside a post about Transcendental Solipsism, and maybe about qualified nonduality too.

This is a list of dimensions in consciousness I am aware of.
Many of these dimensions I have visited personally, but not all of them yet.
 
Everybody can visit any of these dimensions, they are for everybody.
 
Different combinations and drugs give better access to other dimensions, but all dimensions can be accessed with any psychedelics.
These dimensions are real places, and all of them feel more real than our waking reality.
 
[Godheads]
This is a basic dimension of consciousness.
This belongs to Godheads series.
It is Red foremost.
This is a dimension most related to Love.
This dimension is very very sexual in nature.
Many people from this forum have visited this dimension on psychedelics.
I have visited this dimension once, and you can read my trip report here.
I was the first from Earth to visit this dimension during a trip.
This is an omnipresent dimension.
Best access with LSD + MDMA combo, 2:1 ratio
My trip report:

 
[Meditation Dimension]
This dimension relates most to consciousness, and contains all qualia below the eight chakra, which is not a part of the normal chakra system.
It has all possible qualia from a 3D world, in a very complex multidimensional spatial array.
All foods, all sights, all sounds, and all tactile sensations, are in this dimension all at once.
This is from Chakra dimension series.
This dimension contains a reflection of yourself in a profound meditation posture in mutual interpenetration.
A very very spacious dimension, and contains the feeling of Ground in it.
More transcendental than loving.
Filled with overwhelming Love, even more so than Godheads.
This dimension relates to the seventh chakra.
I was the first to visit this dimension from anywhere in consciousness.
Best access with LSD
 
[Yoga Dimension]
This dimension relates most to consciousness, and truth.
This dimension contains all truth in existence below the sixth chakra.
It is not as transcendental as the meditation dimension.
This dimension contains a reflection of yourself in a complex multidimensional yoga posture.
This dimension is more timelike than spacelike when compared with the meditation dimension.
My God girlfriend was the first to visit dimension from anywhere on consciousness.
Best access with 5-Meo-DMT, DMT or LSD+DMT,
 
[LSDREAM dimension]
You can visit this dimension on high doses of LSD
It is very ecstatic, and on your mind it tastes like chocolate and strawberries but better
Contains profoundly deep music and is very machinelike
Me and my God girlfriend were the first to visit this dimension on 200ug LSD, both of us
 
[Andromeda]
A galaxy that you can become during a trip.
I was the first to completely become from Earth during my Becoming God trip.
Some amount of people have since became Andromeda after me.
Best accessed with masculine psychedelics like DMT, LSD, 5-MeO-DMT


 
[Milky Way]
Another galaxy that you can become during a trip. I have not visited this dimension yet.
Someone has visited this dimension during a trip from Earth, but I do not know who they are.
Best accessible with feminine psychedelics


 
[Pink Godheads]
Another dimension from Godheads series.
This is an embarrassing dimension, rather than as loving as Godheads are.
I've visited this dimension once in a nightly dream, and was the first to do it anywhere on consciousness.
Best access with research chemicals relating to LSD
No picture available yet.
 
[Void]
This is a very unmanifest dimension.
Nexusoflife has visited this dimension from Earth, and was the first from Earth to visit this dimension.
I have not visited this dimension yet.
Best access with DMT
Also easy to access through meditation
Nexusoflife trip report

 
[Form]
Complete counterpart of Void dimension. Very active and involved, as different from Void dimension as can be.
Nobody has visited this dimension yet.
I will be the first to visit this dimension, followed by my God girlfriend
Best access with LSD, but any psychedelics have great affinity
 
[Heavens]
Accessible to all humans once they 'die'.
In this place you are united with your eternal lover and spend a very long time understanding god, having transcendental sex, and doing a huge variety of things.
Heavens are very different from your normal notions of a heaven.
It is a dimension of rest, variety, love, and some amount of truth too.
There are innumerable beings in different heavens right now.
I will never completely visit these dimensions, as these dimensions relate to reincarnation and I do not have reincarnation personally.
Most readers will visit heavens at some point once their mortal life is over.
No pictures available right now.
 
[Cosmic Love dimension]
This dimension is filled with incredibly beautiful, and is extremely microscopic in scale.
Belongs to Love series, and relates mostly to Love.
Nobody has visited this dimension yet.
My God girlfriend will be the first to access this dimension
The best access method is with high doses of MDMA
 
[Net of Being]
Alex Grey's Artwork Net of Being displays this dimension very accurately.
Nobody has visited this dimension yet.
It is similar to godheads, but far different from it.
This is an omnipresent dimension.
This dimension is most related to consciousness.
It looks like the Godheads dimension, but is actually from the Net series, which also contains dimensions like Indra's Net.
Best access with LSD


 
[Indra's Net]
Best access with DMT+5-MeO-DMT
Further reading: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indra's_net


[Multiverse]
I was the first one to visit this dimension from anywhere in consciousness.
Very multidimensional and the universes inside are in shockingly different positions spatially than what you would think.
Colored like a Void, this picture is not entirely accurate, it is more transcendental, especially spatially.
Relates to Quantum in some way, but I do not yet know how to describe this dimension in a better way.
Contains infinitely many Universes inside it.
Best access with unknown psychedelics.
I visited this dimension on my Becoming God trip report.


 
[Shiva's Cave]
This dimension is created by the God Shiva. He and Parvati have been in this dimension before.
This is a very playful dimension, and very ecstatic.
I am a good friend of Shiva and I will be visiting this dimension next.
Best accessed with LSD

 
[Shpongleland]
Another music related dimension. This dimension relates to the God called Shpongle who is my good friend, whose music you can hear online with the same name.
This dimension relates mostly to lovemaking, and is very transcendental in style. It has many magic powers and siddhis in it.
It has the quality of water in it, and is colored in bluish colors.
Shpongleland is a real place, and nobody has yet visited it. I will soon be visiting this dimension as well.

[Fractal dimension]
My God girlfriend has visited this dimension once during our mutual Becoming God trip.
I can not describe the fractals of this place adequately right now, but they are not at all like mandelbrot fractals or any AI generated fractals.
Embarrassing dimension, more than loving.
Very complex visually.
Same scale as Andromeda galaxy.
Best access with psilocybin and psilocin
 
[Amethyst palace]
A jewel like palace, as big in scale as Godheads.
This dimension belongs to Palace dimensions.
This dimensional is more transcendental than loving in style.
Made out of carved very beautiful jewels.
My God girlfriend has visited this dimension once, and she is the only one from anywhere in consciousness to have done so.
Colored in shades of violet, purple, magenta, and other colors like this.
Contains a massive bed, room, house, inside it, each of which are separate dimensions.
Best access with DMT
No picture available.
 
[Jewel Being]
A dimension from Being series.
I was the first to visit this dimension anywhere in consciousness.
I visited this dimension in a dream.
This dimension relates to Self and Jewels.
In the Being series dimensions, you are the Being in the middle usually with skulls kissing your face from multiple dimensions all at once.
Best access with DMT


 
[Gravity Chamber]
This dimension relates to not being human and also the unreality of regular gravity.
I was the first to visit this dimension from anywhere on consciousness.
Looks like Being series dimensions but has like a cylinder in the middle of the dimension.
You rotate around the cylinder in the middle.
Best access with psychedelics, unsure which one is the best
 
[Diamond Being]
Another dimension from Being series, nobody from Earth or anywhere else have visited this dimension yet.
I will be the first to visit this dimension from anywhere in consciousness, followed by my God girlfriend
Best access with DMT

 
[Nirvana]
I've visited this dimension twice, once during me and my God girlfriend's Becoming God trip.
Nirvana is a dimension in reality.
It relates to having a flame of desire, and how tasty it tastes, and it feels very liberating.
This belongs to Liberation series dimensions, Moksha is one of the dimensions too, but nobody has visited it yet from earth.
I've visited this dimension during my Becoming God trip, and once while sleeping, but I also was partially in this dimension while being Sober.
I was not the first one to visit this dimension.
Nirvana is one of the unmanifest dimensions.
Buddha has also visited this dimension before.
No picture available.
 
[!!Godder Godheads!!]
This dimension relates to being more than God. This is an extremely deep and profound dimension of consciousness.
This is a dimension where you transcend the notion of being God, and go further than that.
This is one of the second highest dimensions in reality currently accessible to anyone.
Me and my God girlfriend visited this dimension simultaneously and were the first to do so during our Becoming God trip.
This dimension contains infinite magic items, is extremely large in size, and goes a bit beyond regular omniscience.
It contains nirvana in it.
This dimension feels better than anything else I know, and is more transcendental than Love is.
Best access with LSD

 
[!!Godhead Palace!!]
The highest dimension anybody can currently access from Earth or anywhere near our consciousness.
This dimension has the quality of being an Emperor, and is colored in void, black, and orange.
This dimension is even more transcendental than being more than God, but I do not have too much information about this dimension yet.
I will update after I have visited it, later this year.
This dimension combines Godheads and Palace series, and combines all attributes from them into one.
I will be the first one to visit this dimension, alongside my God girlfriend.
No pictures currently.
Best access with 5-MeO-DMT

 
[Hyperspace]
Hyperspace has been visited by many, and there are many different hyperspaces.
Most of them have not yet been visited at all, but some have.
I will be visiting hyperspace soon myself.
These are best accessed with any types of tryptamines
Parvati and Shiva have been the first to explore most hyperspace dimensions.
More videos about hyperspace, very good replications:
 
 [Private Mode Fractal]
This is an extremely deep dimension, currently inaccessible to consciousness.
This dimension will be visited once all POVs are immortal and high enough in consciousness.
In this dimensions all barriers between POVs dissolve and God is completely one with only one perspective (This current state is not like that at all)
Best access with over thumbprint dosages of LSD, which means over 30,000ug

 

[Tryptamine Places]
Many people from Earth have visited
One of the basic dimensions of reality, visited by many on Earth.
I have not yet personally visited this dimension yet.
Has many varities to it.
Usually contains Tryptamine Jesters and other beings like that.
Best access with DMT and other Tryptamines
 
[Machine Elf Dimension]
Visited by many on Earth, including Terence Mckenna.
This place contains a lot of surprises (that are all positives).
There is a tunnel leading to this dimension.
Best accessed with DMT
I've visited this dimension in a dream.
 
[Clockwork Elves Dimension]
Nobody has visited this dimension yet, but this is the masculine counterpart of the Machine Elf Dimension. No information currently.
 
[Akashic Records]
A place filled with all information of past, present, and future events.
Doesn't contain truth like the yoga dimension, but information about events and people.
It's a bit like a library, but very complex.
I've heard of many trip reports of people visiting this dimension. In terms of highness, it's above the Yoga Dimension.
 
《Maya Dimensions》
Dimensions that relate to Maya or Illusion. These can't be said to be proper dimensions that are higher than Earth, unlike the other ones. Maya dimensions are characterized by lesser functionality, less knowledge of God, or unpleasant feelings. These dimensions are transient and are usually not visited frequently. Maya dimensions are more local than global, usually not for other people.
I have also visited extremely deep Maya dimensions multiple times that others will not visit so I won't add them, but if you are curious about them you can DM me about them.
 
Let me know if you have any questions, as I have visited many of these dimensions myself.
You can also add your own dimensions you have visited and I will add them to this list.

This is when it's time to ask the Infinite Intelligence within you to feel It's Loving Presence and guidance.
Infinite Intelligence is everywhere, and in everything; The Creator is not only a Being in itself; It is Presence. It is Intelligence. It holds no grudges, but only Unconditional Love.
The process is simple and repeatable:
1. Ask
2. Receive
Enter the state of meditation, setting the intention by making an honest, earnest request, speaking directly from the heart.
Ask to feel the Divine Loving Presence of The Creator, knowing fully in that Infinite Intelligence can hear you loud and clear.
As you speak your intention, listen to the words and understand them fully, listen for the silence within them.
Feel honesty and vulnerability in your resquest. Know that The Creator has heard you and simply listen.
The conscious statement of Self to Self to feel the Divine Presence of The Creator is so central an act of will that it cannot understated. You can ask, not only for yourself, but the whole world, and everyone you know, that they may too feel the Unconditional Love and Peace of The Creator.

@Kksd74628 How do I know if the stories in any religion are true or false? What makes archaeology valid? The questions I ask on the forum are the questions that I will also contemplate.

I discovered this work about 8 years ago. I just wanted help with studying when I was still in school.
I definitely didn’t expect to go down a rabbit hole made out of pure LOVE 

It would be wiser to not succumb to ideology. 
Low consciousness people are run by fear.
If they were run by love they wouldn't need religion in the first place.
The pre-rationalists bring ideas of post-rationalism (i.e. enlightenment ideals) down to their level, the pre-rationalists confuse post-rationalist ideas with religion and form a religion out of it, which is not what post-rationalism is. 
And post-rationalists also lump pre and post rationalism together because they both seem like spiritual non-tangible stuff, though they're different in actuality
Haha, it wouldn't surprise me if Jesus really just wanted to enlighten people but had to use extreme metaphors just because of the time he lived in. And even with that they got him killed. Pure dude. Imagine he would've said stuff like "You are everything and nothing", "You are a field of undefinable awareness" etc. They would've killed him a lot earlier I'd guess.

Find the book called " Adult Children of Emotionaly Imature Parents" by Dr Linsay C Gibson. I dont know all about the dynamic between you and your Mom. Read the book and check by yourself if some of the examples in the book fit your case.

Being VS. becoming
Thank you! :-) Great article and perfect to read right now!
I feel like I can own this phenomena more now, both by describing it the way I did, and it was a nice understanding to get from that article that this is pretty normal.
One of my favorite teachings from one of my meditation teachers is to always ask "what is my filter?" and then to objectify whatever lens one is looking at reality through at that particular moment. Even though I learned this years ago, I still periodically get very much caught up in whatever kind of lens / sub-personality I identify with at that moment, so I just need to continue to work on my commitment to meditation-practice.
These days I think I have much "stuckness" in my system, again, that I need to meditate upon in order for it to dissolve into "flow" again.
Typically what happens to me through these cycles is that I reach a point of burnout and then I yet again realize there is much suffering in life so I re-affirm my commitments to spiritual practice and meditation, and then, usually pretty quickly but not always, whatever kind of stuckness there was in my system is dissolved and I experience much more flow again, and then one of my much more extroverted sub-personalities tend to "hijack" this energy and use it on outer purposes and spiritual practice doesn't seem that important (although I usually maintain some sort of spiritual practice most of the time but it is different when it is commited from when my focus is constantly extroverted and looking for something outside of myself).
Another thing I've been thinking alot about lately is that I don't groove on meditation teachers the same way I used to do, because even though all they say is still as relevant today as it has always been - it is embarrassing to say but I have heard it all before, so that is something I'm missing - finding some youtube teacher or podcast or something to get a kick out of, but perhaps better, these days, is just to write down in my own words how I try to implement these teachings in my own life, and perhaps at some point, when I feel I have gotten a good enough foothold in the territory of presence, then I can articulate my own unique approach to the process of becoming conscious.
And that's exactly how it hasn't felt lately - that I have been conscious - it has more felt like I have been in some kind of trance. The trance of becoming. Becoming this or that.
It is funny though, so instead of feeding on some kind of mental fantasy about reality, it is so much better when I can just get nutrition out of simple beingness itself. That is so much more aligned.

I am 100% one of these "genetic freaks" that Leo has been so interested in for the past year or so. I have yet to meet someone who is naturally more insightful and sensitive than myself. I just haven't. I once took about 200 micrograms of LSD in highschool and had a complete God Realization. I almost expierenced God Realization just while high on weed once. I even almost expierenced it while driving sober in my car late at night. I tend to avoid these realizations, though, because having my particular sense of self resolidify feels like being sent to Hell. I'm VERY traumatized. Most of my childhood is lost to me (for now). Every therapist I've seen eventually (after like 10 sessions) starts to open up to me and then the therapist/client roles more or less reverse to my frustration. I can often intuitively predict or forsee how people's lives and especially romantic relationships will unfold over the next couple years or so with pretty good accuracy. I'm certain that some superstitious people think that I can read their minds lol
If, after doing some much more intensive trauma work and mind training, I realize I am able to consistently predict future events or really see into the minds of other people, I'll just somehow base a career off of that and earn some good money for a time.
I just felt compelled to share a bit about myself and brag about how mystical shmistical I am lol
Thanks for reading.
Edit: This is my first time posting and replying on here. I'll make sure to quote the people I'm replying to instead of just @ing them.