Mada_

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About Mada_

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    Victoria, Australia
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  1. Anyone here a Late Bloomer when it comes to getting your shit together?
    Anyone here a Late Bloomer when it comes to getting your shit together?
    I see in a lot of people who are successful usually had hints of success coming for them when they were younger. 
    It could've been an entrepreneurial drive as a child selling things, or an excellent work ethic in school, or finding their passion at a younger age. 
    But it's a bit discouraging, since my history never had any of that. I was hyper and got in trouble a lot at school. I was the master at bullshitting my way through things. I did my tests the same way trump does his speeches ? . And every idea I get, whether it be to open a cafe, sell a helpful product, etc. I give up before even the first step, since I dont feel like doing it.
    I'm 20 years old and I lack that work ethic that someone my age would have on average, you know like the hard working college student. 
    A lot of people near my age are real serious about success, I see they work out, read books, and they seem to be able to just deal with all the stuff that comes their way. They have that inner drive that gets them through stuff they dont wanna do. 
    For me, I feel like a big baby. 
    So, is there anyone here who was in a similar situation to me?  I'm just looking for relatability and inspiration. 
     

  2. Hormones
    The best self-improvement decision I ever made: repalcing all my hormones
    Self-actualization is not possible without great hormones. I replace all of them. I am a medical student and replace ALL of my hormones. my energy levels went from the 5th percentile to the 95th percentile.
    In early twenties my life was starting to go down the gutter. My life started to fall apart in every domain, basically at the brink of suicide. I was severely depressed. At one point I considered suicide. I found out that multiple of my hormones were very low. I started multiple hormone replacement. Whereas before my life was a nightmare, it has been a dream ever since. I have been doing this for some years now.
    I started to dream again. I found purpose. Something I want to contribute. Now I also have the energy, mood and health to keep working on my dreams, to enjoy working on my dreams.
    If you are interested I wrote about my story here. How my life went to shits and how multiple hormone replacement gradually turned it around.
    My dream is to live in a world where no one is held back from living an at least decent life the way I was. Even though not my fault, it is my life. And thus my responsibility. Without accepting and acting on that I just don´t know where I would be today. For sure I wouldn´t be writing this.
    Biological vitality is the single most important condition in my life. In your life. Vitality determines to a large extent the way our lives turn out, not just our outer lives, but our inner lives as well.I experienced how a reduction in biological vitality can send you on a relentless downward spiral. The stronger the decrease in your vitality the steeper the slope.
    In its wake over months to years my life, the only life I can be sure of having, went to shits. Many people are unsuspecting. Unaware of these invisible forces exerting their power relentlessly every single day.
    "Living life to the fullest" is just not possible without great hormones.:Life is like poker—you can get a good hand, play it perfectly, but still end up with a bad outcome. A great vitality is the ass in your poker game of life. Even with an immaculate vitality you can screw up the game, but chances are you do so much less likely. The two most important factors determining your vitality are genetics and hormones, the latter you can negotiate.
    Why do I post all this? Trying to provide value: My purpose is to raise awareness. People need to know that there are biological shackles many of us carry. Shackles which make it much harder to live a life we like. Because it does just cost me a little time but perhaps can help others out a lot. Had I known what I know now, it would have saved me lots of money, happiness, effort, researching, experimenting. And suffering.
    What I take. But what works for me might not work for others.
    Everyone is different, but the target range I aim for is in the upper tertile of the youthful reference range. Just falling somewhere within the reference range is not “optimal”. The reference range covers 95% of the population. Certainly more than 5% of the population have hormones bad enough to warrant intervention.
    TRT: Test Cyp (50mg subQ 2x/week), HcG (250iu subQ 2x/week), anastrozole (0.25mg 1x/week), dutasteride 0.5mg 1x/week (as my androgens are high I don´t need the DHT). cortisol: cortisone acetate (20mg/d HC equivalent) (split into 4 daily doses) thyroid: 1.5 grains NDT  GH: 1 iu genotropin pfizer (aiming for IGF1 of 250) prebed fludrocortisone 01.mg/d morning melatonin: 0.25mg sublingual prebed Other stuff I do: keto/paleo, HIIT, weekly rapamycin, a bunch of supplements (all of them together less worth than a slight alteration in hormones), some exercise every day, sleep around 6h (wake up refreshed without alarm -before HRT I needed 8+).
    You can´t outdrug/outbiohack/outlifestyle a bad hormonal profile.
    For more practical stuff I wrote a guide Here. It took 1000s of hours to figure out. Hopefully some of you will find value in it.
    Many of you guys will say that I am screwing myself. Well, to them I say that I am aware that this is uncharted territory. I am aware of the risks. But to me the cost-benefit analysis is a no-brainer. If I had to, I would sign a contract to rather live 10 more years with my new vitality and then die instead of living to one hundred with the dreadful state I was in before. Life is about filling time and not passing it.
    What does this mean for you? My guess is that around 1-2 out of 5 of you has a hormonal imbalance/deficiency severe enough to warrant intervention. Hormones have an INSANE connection to depression. Unfortunately they are VERY neglected. If you have been depressed for a long time it might be worth looking into your hormones. ANY hormone deficiency (GH/IGF1, sex hormones, thyroid, cortisol) will cause brain fog, subpar cognition, lethargy, anhedonia, low motivation, low mood -> all of which over time evolve into depression. Certainly you don´t have the necessary energy/mood/motivation/health to be improving yourself to the best of your ability. Please consider getting a blood test done. The risk and opportunity cost of not doing it is huge.

  3. Dating
    To All Struggling Males: Stop Playing Victim!
    I see a chronic problem on this sub-forum, which is young males who complain about lack of success with women and failing to take responsibility for their situation.
    The #1 rule of all growth and personal development is taking 100% responsibility for your situation. I know how hard that can be when you're struggling with women/sex. It feels very much like life is treating you unfairly and that it's the women's fault. Let me tell you right now: this is a total ILLUSION! It's not the women. It's not society. It's not post-modernists. It's not the Marxists. It's not the feminists. It's YOU!
    This is not me blaming you. This is simply how all personal development works. Whatever problem you have in life you must begin by getting honest with yourself how you created it. Sometimes this is difficult to accept. It's much easier to blame someone else, or even blame yourself (for being too ugly or too short or too introverted). I am not suggesting you blame yourself. Rather, take ownership of the fact that you are the creator of your life. Whatever is missing in your life, you can correct, but only if you stop blaming yourself and others.
    Be very mindful of how your ego-mind creates narratives which justify your sense of lack, brokenness, or inability to attract women. All of these narratives, justification, rationalizations, logic, "facts", scientific studies, proofs, etc are sneakily fabricated by your own mind! Your own mind is the enemy! Watch it like a hawk. Your mind will try to come up with reasons and excuses for why your life is unfair and how success with women is impossible. This is all horseshit! Do not believe your own mind here. Your mind is clouded by fear, insecurity, and neediness. That is totally normal and understandable, but you cannot resolve your problems from such a place. From such a place your problems will get worse as you start to blame the world and solidify your victim worldview with cherry-picked evidence, "science", and "logic". Be extra suspicious of "logic" and "science" here. There is nothing logical or scientific about your victim attitude or lack of success with women. It's purely about meeting the survival needs of your ego. Sex is a very powerful survival need which will drive your mind towards all manner of mental gymnastics to ensure that you get it, or at least feel better for not getting it.
    There's good news and bad news. The good news is: Your looks are NOT the problem! The bad news is: your personality, attitude, and mindset are terrible! The good news is, it's possible to change that. The bad news is, it won't be easy and you will resist it like the devil that you are.
    So what's the solution? Take ownership of your problem and commit to resolving it. For this you need faith and confidence in your ability to self-actualize. You must have enough hope and vision to see yourself get much better with attracting women. This is NOT a pipe dream or fuzzy thinking. The reality is that any man can become 100x better at attracting women if he really takes ownership of the matter. Yes, it takes serious work. But it's also highly worth it. Imagine that within 3 years you're able to attract pretty women and feel confident about yourself when it comes to dating. Isn't that worth the effort? It sure is. This is not a fantasy. I've done it, many men have done it, and so can you! Your looks are NOT the bottleneck, your mindset is.
    So what do you do after you've established this vision? You must do lots of research to educate yourself about how dating actually work (not how you think it works). Find videos, find books, buy online courses, hire a coach, take a bootcamp, take a workshop, etc. There are literally hundreds of excellent resources available online these days. Most of them are legit, not scams. Study them hard and then get into the field. Start talking to women. Start approaching women. Start flirting with women. Start being much more social.
    If you struggle attracting women I can tell you right now what your top problems are. It's not lack of money, looks, muscles, car, height, or dick size. Remember, attraction and dating is EXTREMELY counter-intuitive. It's works exactly the opposite of how you initially think.
    Your top problems are:
    You live in your mancave and never go out! You must go out into social spaces where real women hang out. You spend WAY too much time online, indoors You spend WAY too much time on Youtube, Netflix, and playing video games You work too much You are never around cute single women You never start conversations with strangers You have terrible body language due to lack of experience You are not comfortable doing small-talk and being emotional and random in conversations You are far too logical You approach zero women on a regular basis You are terrified of approaching a women who you find attractive, talking yourself out of every approach You have terrible eye contact, you don't smile, and you don't project your voice properly You are crippled by fear and tongue-tied You are unable to start and sustain an interesting conversation with a human being You are disconnected from your body, your heart, your feelings, your emotions You have terrible self-image issues. You hate yourself, you hate how you look, you judge yourself way too harshly. You judge yourself just as harshly as you judge women. You have a bad sense of dress style and you don't groom yourself well You have no experience with physically touching women in a non-creepy way. You don't know how to rapidly physically escalate on a women without creeping her out. You don't know how women think or what they truly value in a man You don't know how to flirt and be authentic You are trying to be masculine in all the wrong ways -- fake masculinity You are needy, needy, needy You are terribly inexperienced You have no sense of passion or purpose in life, which robs you of confidence and masculine vitality Your attitude sucks: you whine, complain, bitch, moan, blame, and are so negative You think you understand life, reality, and how attraction works -- you don't! So work on fixing all of that before you go blaming women. All of the above can be deliberately worked on and fixed.
    You need to learn how to be a real man. Being a real man has nothing to do with big muscles, big dick, or a fast car. A real man is grounded on the INSIDE. It's ALL about inner game! You need to cultivate that confidence. It doesn't come naturally. You must build it!
    80% of getting good with women is just actually being much more social. You need to deliberately re-structure your life so that you're automatically being more social. So that you're going out every weekend. So that you're bumping into new people constantly. So that you're making new friends all the time. This kind of re-structuring is very doable. You just have to be willing to change your lifestyle.
    And stop watching or listening to any of the following:
    Jordan Peterson, MGTOW, RedPill, Incel material/forums/reddit All of that is cancer of the mind. It's reinforcing your victim mindset and robbing you of your ability to change yourself.
    I've been where you are. I know it's tough. But hang in there, hold your vision, have hope, get to work, and things will dramatically improve for you. You will become a new person by the end of this journey and you will be so proud of yourself. You will become a real man, not some whiny JP fanboy.
    The #1 thing a real man does is take 100% responsibility for all his problems. A real man NEVER blames anyone, and certainly not women or feminism. A real man is a feminist. A real man fearlessly works on himself.
    So start right there! Start by fixing that.

  4. Healing
    How can I get rid off the chasing of beautiful woman?
    The more I heal my childhood trauma and my relationship with my parents the less needy and insecure I am.
    I recommend reading The Truth by Neil Strauss because it will give you a beautiful first-hand account of what it is like to work on these issues,
    and then I recommend reading and doing all of the exercises in Homecoming by John Bradshaw. This is what is helping me. Since I started I have even been having less cravings for coffee, my main addiction. Best of luck to ya.

  5. Philosophy of Science
    Philosophy of Science (books and videos)
    Books ( for introduction and valuable insights)
    1. Aim and structure of physical theory- Pieere Duhem.
    2. Philosophy of mathematics and natural science- Hermann weyl
    3. Analysis of sensations- ernst mach
    4. Science of mechanics - ernst mach
    5. Knowledge and error - ernst mach
    6. Nature of physical reality - Henry margenau
    7. Foundations of physics - Henry margenau 
    8. Analysis of matter - Bertrand russell
    9. Human knowledge- Bertrand russell
    10. Scientific image - Bas Van Frassen 
    11. Laws and symmetry - Bas van fraassen 
    12. Empirical stance - Bas van fraassen 
    13. Scientific representation- Bas van fraassen. 
    14. Philosophical foundations of physics - Rudolf carnap.
    15. Fundamentals of concept formation in empirical sciences- Carl hempel
    16. Foundations of physics- philip frank
    17. Logical structure of world - Rudolf carnap.
    18. Problems of philosophy in their interconnection - Moritz schlick
    19. Epistemological writings - hermann von helmholtz
    20. Popular lectures on scientific subjects - hermann von helmholtz
    21. Popular scientific lectures - ernst mach
    22. Theoretical physics and philosophical problems- ludwig boltzmaan 
    23. Common sense of exact sciences - william kingdon clifford
    24. Where is science going - max planck
    25. Experience and prediction - Hans recheinbach
    26. Rise of scientific philosophy- Hans recheinbach 
    27. Empiricism, logic, mathematics - Hans hahn 
    28. Principles of mathematics( part 7 only) -  Bertrand russell 
    29. An enquiry concerning principles of natural knowledge- Alfred north whitehead.
    30.  Nature of physical world - Arthur Eddington.
    31. To save the phenomenon- Pieere duhem.
    32.  Philosophy of physics - Mario bunge
    33. Foundations of physics - Mario bunge
    34. Philosophy of science vol 1 and vol 2 - Mario bunge
    35. Explaining science, a cognitive approach - Ronald giere
    36. Scientific perspectivsim- Ronald giere
    37. Mathematical epistemology- E.W beth and jean piaget
    38. Understanding causality- jean piaget
    39. Language of modern physics - E.H hutten
    40. Concepts of modern physics - john stallo
    41. Ways of world making - Nelson goodman
    42. Structure and appearance- Nelson goodman
    43. Fact fiction forecast - Nelson goodman
    45. Logic of modern physics - Percy Bridgman
    46. Nature of physical theory - Percy Bridgman 
    47. Foundations of scientific inference - wesley salmon
    48. Representing and intervening - ian hacking 
    49. Phenomenology of perception - maurice merleau ponty
    50. The essential tension - Thomas kuhn
     

  6. Breakfast
    Leo, what breakfast do you currently eat not to fall asleep?
    @Bufo Alvarius I know lot of people on the forum will disagree with this statement but having regular solid breakfast is one of the most significant and important things you can do for your health and skipping breakfast and fasting through is one of the worst things you can do.  I think this has been the most effective strategy for all the people I have worked with. If you care, I'll explain why this works in the end, otherwise skip that part. 
    The breakfast should consist of the following: 
    A source of complex carbohydrates (oats, buckwheat, wholegrain bread etc)  Source of protein - nuts, seeds, tofu, bit of plant-based protein powder, a boiled egg or two or something of that kind Source of essential fatty acids - nuts, seeds, nut butter etc.  At least 15g of fibre 2-3 portions of fruit one if which should be berries Oatmeal or buckwheat meal are perfect for this. 
    Basically you want breakfast to be the largest meal of the day, it needs to be balanced and ideally warm. The protein part is important and although I am not a fan of counting anything, having 15-20g of protein in there keeps it more balance, more satiating and more energising. The complex carbs will deliver lot of B-vitamins and magnesium essential for your mitochondrial energy cycles to work as well as fibre to slow everything down and make sure the breakfast only gives you a gentle spike of insulin unlike a fruit juice that sends your pancreas into hyperdrive which leads to the production of an excessive amount of insulin particles that end up taking away too much of the blood sugar and you end up hypoglycemic, hungry and somewhat irritated. 
    To eat or not to eat? 
    For the majority of people, sleeping for 7-9 hours depletes a decent part of your liver glycogen (stored sugar) because there needs to be a constant stream of glucose in your blood to supply cells and mitochondria with glucose so that it can keep the kreb cycle running and producing ATP (energy). If this starts running out, your body will try to go into ketosis to burn fat and break it into fatty acids and glycerol to use in the energy metabolism. The problem is that if you are not trained well in this it may take couple days to get in proper ketosis and in the meantime, you are in starvation mode losing muscle protein because that is easier to burn but is very dirty and inefficient. This causes your hypothalamus to signal the adrenals to produce adrenaline, noradrenaline and glucocorticoids (mainly cortisol). These stress hormones are the reason people feel great when skipping breakfast. It is not that the food is bad, it is that your stress hormones make you feel more alive. The downside is that on one hand this can wreck your metabolism in the long term, it also taxes your adrenal glands and make create a bit of metabolic inhibition so that the body becomes more likely to store calories one the food becomes available. In research, people who eat irregularly, store more calories than those who do. Breakfast seems to be making the most difference. So ideally you want to keep your blood sugar balanced by having a solid meal in the morning consisting of the above. 
    But hey, none of this has to apply to you and maybe you need different approach but this has worked in my life and couple people I have helped with some chronic conditions.
    Good luck
     
     

  7. Important Insight
    Do you live your advice ?
    i want to learn how to take the wisdom and insights from a book, person, or life in general, and live it as principle. To grow from it, embody it, breath it and literally become it. Not just talk about it and then do nothing (which is the tendency and the easiest thing to do). i notice myself becoming dogmatic and preach it to others, and then when you stop and look at your life nothing is different. Only your beliefs and filters about reality.
    Maybe isolation or seeking life experience guided by the insights ? i dont know.. Do you live the advice that you'll give me ?

  8. Pickup
    Extremely frustrated about being a virgin
    Yes. This is it. 

    All guys, you see it? You shouldn't do "pick-up" / date girls because you want sex or w/e. You should do it, because it is an extremely important part of self-development for a man, also if you want to become enligthened/awake. Of course, sex is a nice carrot/bonus, don't forget that, but that's not the primary objective here.

    The feeling you get after overcoming one of your worst fears is identical to the feeling you have 24/7 when you have truly awakened. True peace, true confidence, freedom.

    Insecure men/virgins/many dudes they have an extreme fear of rejection.

    The hotter/the more interested they are in a girl, the more extreme the fear becomes "but what if she rejects me?"

    What to do?

    Step 1. Realize that the fear of rejection is 100% irrational. Either she says "yes" to you, or she says "no" to you. In either case you haven't lost anything, and in the first case you have gained something. You GOT NOTHING TO LOSE. Be brave man. Go into that fear and let it destroy you/enlighten you. Even in the second case, you only gain something: PAIN. And pain forces you to learn and reflect and develop.

    Step 2. Do it. And everytime you get rejected, just say fuck it and try again. Of course it hurts, Don't deny that. But pain is the messenger, and the message is: Wake up! The more pain you go through in your life, the closer you are to awaken. No kidding. start today

  9. Focus thread
    The Metaphysics Of Focussing
    What are the metaphysics of concentrating your attention on something? Like what is actually happening in or with consciousness? How is it happening, is the such thing as will power on the meta level?
    When I'd focus on a thing, for instance, everything else becomes irrelevant - almost invisible, if I can use that term. Have you noticed how things blur when you're not paying attention to them, not with sight alone but sounds and other senses as well? What would be going on in/with consciousness when that happens? Is there some sort of a mechanism to this, is it random? Right now I'm focusing on my thoughts, the world is almost non-existent. I can shift my focus to smell/scent and sound becomes almost none-existent. So what's going on? I'm not really questioning perception here, I'm more interested in the intelligence behind it or the power (will/force) that does this.
    What it feels like is that I'm zooming in and out of myself as consciousness, like I'm exploring small parts of my body. It doesn't feel intentional until I focus on feeling, then it feels like I'm controlling this. Do you get what I'm saying? I know there's more to this than simple brain capacity.

  10. Traps
    My Top 10 Biggest Traps In Self-Actualization
    I have narrow all the traps I faced in self-actualizing to the ten biggest ones. These are the traps that I personality had trouble with the most. Feel free to share your list of top 10 traps.
    Top 10 traps (biggest to smallest):
    Realizing life is meaningless and not having desires. Desires do not cause suffering. You will be swept by unconscious desires if you have no meaning. Realizing the NOW or realizing thoughts/symbols are not the thing and thinking that is the end. It's the beginning. Not learning concentration, thinking letting the mind wander all the time is a good thing. Concentration is letting go, not suppression. Exerting effort is not bad. Not realizing intuition. Once you do you will go from negative to positive motivation. Differentiate between subconscious biases and intuition. Realizing the limitations of thinking and trying not to use it at all. Thinking, symbols, and words are very useful and necessary.  Not realizing awareness has degrees. I find doing various practices increases consciousness, it's not constant all the time.   Not having any ideals/vision to strive to. You need goals and ideals to guide you on the journey. Connects to 1,2 ,4 and 5. Ignoring the subconscious. It will come out when you least expect. It clouds judgement and intuition. Not paying attention to everyday life/survival. It will become a bottle neck to your growth. Thinking pleasure/comfort is happiness. It will lead to negative motivation. Suffer more mindfully, suffering is not bad.  There are many more traps but these are the most time consuming ones for me.
    You will notice that many of these traps are preceded by a realization. This happens when realizations are not deep enough, or we don’t see all aspects of the realization, or when we emphasize some aspects of it too much. Little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
    Most of these traps come from reading and listening to Jiddu Krishnamurti and some UG Krishnamurti. From what I got, J Krishnamurti basically taught differentiating our thoughts from the thing/reality to see the NOW. Which is good but his teaching put too much emphasis on that and not on things like concentration. He also didn't believe in any practices. Ime practices like meditation, concentration, and yoga increase my awareness. He leaves out A LOT and puts too much emphasis on some things. Be wary of these traps above when reading these krishnamurtis. 
    My advice would be to not stick to one teacher or technique but to explore many. That way you can avoid falling in their traps. You can see which ones increase your awareness the most and which ones don't. 
    Lastly, having a desire to improve, a vision and disciplining the mind is crucial, let no one tell you otherwise.

  11. I finally 'died' and then I gave birth to a new world
    I finally 'died' and then I gave birth to a new world
    Hello everyone,
    A few days ago, I finally decided to do an Ayahuasca Ceremony (after years of hemming and hawing about it), and God and Goddess worked together to help me die and come back. So, I wanted to share it.
    So, I ingested the Ayahuasca brew and laid down on my mat and waited for it to hit me. 
    And then, once it hit, I immediately started to die.
    And I knew I needed just to let go and surrender. There was no fighting it. And there was great terror and panic, and I surrendered to that too. And all of the details of my human life were freely given and sacrificed. I barely knew my name. And I didn't know if I was really dead in the human sense, and I surrendered even to not knowing that and gave away my life. And there was nothing.
    And then, realities started forming and then collapsing and forming and then collapsing. It was like a fractal kept creating and falling apart... but this was not a visual phenomenon. There was nothing... but it was infinite. And I was it and me and everything at the same time.
    And even my body fell apart. And the creator and destroyer of those realities was in a constant process of loving at deeper and deeper levels and knowing at deeper and deeper levels. And it was both beautiful and horrible to behold. The love of God is so profound that it's terrifying. It creates to know and love at deeper and infinite levels, and new realities spring forth from that love. And there is grief because God wants to get rid of suffering because it loves. But it loves also suffering. And it hates and rails against what causes suffering, but then it loves even its hate... laying bear even deeper levels of infinite love.
    And this is the great burden of God. There is no rest from the infinite perspective. And so it loves the finite perspective as its place of respite to appreciate that which is small and simple.
    And I realized that through all times, this had always been. I had taken the medicine... but reality was the actual medicine. And no matter what reality was there, it was always impermanent. And there was a relentlessness to existence and non-existence that was too much for God to bear but then God took that vulnerability and loved it even deeper and knew itself deeper. 
    And I continued to surrender to the experience and entrain with my infinite aspect, even as it was a great horror with no respite. And I even surrendered to the horror. And then I surrendered (as the vulnerable part of God) to the point where I knew it was time to ask for help. I needed respite. The relentlessness of infinity was too much. It was an infinite amount more terrifying than death. And I began to miss the struggles of human life.
    And so I said it was too much to bear and that I needed mercy. And it felt like there would be no mercy forever in any direction. And then, I started to remember bits and pieces of my life as Emerald. And I saw that Emerald is the place of respite.
    And I realized that I could enter into a temporary illusion of permanence where things were only mildly in flux, and there was meaning and story to engage in. And the simplicity of it is beautiful.
    That's what made me realize what death actually is.
    Death is not like the human death. The human death is certainly a death. But it isn't very indicative of what death means.
    Death means to be situated in the finite illusion and leave that behind and re-entrain with the infinite absolute... which will then create even more finite illusions. So, there is always an dance between finite and infinite as well as a dance between life and death that is constantly happening.
    So, death is to be the finite that collapses back into the infinite. The Divine Masculine is great and terrifying in its relentless love.
     
    And as I asked for respite, the voice of the Divine Feminine spoke to me and through me. And it said, 'It's okay. You will survive this. You will not die.' It told me that it gave me this experience because I needed it for my life's purpose and that I was meant to live on past this experience. And that my life's purpose is surrender and being the place for people to surrender to their humanity. And it told me to work to shift my focus back into my finite reality and focus on Emerald and all of the details of that life. This was difficult to remember.
    So, I looked at my nails and I spoke "Stay here". And that's when the experience became a tug of war between the infinite and the finite. And it was like sex, death, and labor all in one. And I screamed from my guts as I wrestled my consciousness back into the physical. It was like I was doing the dance of Shiva and Shakti. And it was erotic and terrifying.
    And I kept forgetting to focus into the finite. And then, the Divine Feminine would remind me to focus here by speaking through me. And I would look back down at my nails.
    After a long time of this struggle and labor pains, one of the female facilitators at the retreat came over and held my hand. And she spoke to me the words of the Divine Feminine and became my mid-wife. And she was helping me birth a new world into existence even as I was realizing she both knew and didn't know that that's what she was doing. And she told me that I was out of it, to which she was referring to the trip's most difficult part. But the Divine Feminine was telling me that my 11 years of struggle are over. I did it. I came through the other side. I gave birth.
    And I became aware of what God loved most about me... my vulnerability and ability to surrender. And this tendency shared by everyone, but especially women, is the respite of God. And it loved me for all my flaws and showed me how to love my flaws. There was nothing that needed to be fixed. 
    And it showed me how precious all human beings are, despite their flaws. And I could love anyone. I saw the pain in humanity as sad and worthy of love and tenderness. It was all so precious. Even those who upset me the most were perfect as they are. I was sorrowful that people suffered so much. And in myself, my individual flaws were not there to be fixed or eradicated... but embraced and loved as precious babies. 
    So, like the Divine Masculine's infinite love laying bare, I was able to embody an imperfect version of that where I was able to give love even to the parts of myself that couldn't give love.
    And I realized that the purpose of my life is to be utterly human. Enlightenment is too much of a burden for me to bear. That's why God showed me what it showed me. It offered me enlightenment freely and I gave it back. Everything is already perfect as it is. Enlightenment means nothing important. It's all already okay.
    And that's the main teaching I came away with... to embrace my finite existence as me and to treat that experience with the reverence it deserves. To be here and to love and be loved. And especially to surrender deeper and deeper to this reality. And also to appreciate the more child-like aspects of myself that do unconscious things to be loved. And to enjoy the illusion because God created it for me. It's a gift.
    Now, the rest of my experience was more about humanity as a collective and how the Divine Masculine and Feminine orient to one another and the nature of the new world that I birthed into existence as being one where both are in their rightful places. 
    And it also went to my individual humanity, and I was able to grieve a big grief that hit me recently as well as some others. And I was able to be honest with myself and feel the infinite power that my individual human expressions and emotions grew from.
    Then, the next day, the medicine was still affecting me, and I was ungrounded and had to find ways to process the trauma of my body to bring all the energy from my head back into my body. 
    But I won't go too much into the collective and individual aspects of my experience. But the main takeaway here is to simply love your humanity in all its flaws. There is nothing there to fix. There is only to surrender.