Kimka

Nothing matters

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One of my first breakthrough on acid was the realization that nothing really matters in life. I can totally get that while tripping but it’s harder when when you have time processing that

my bf says that he’s awake because he knows this. And he doesn’t care about, almost anything. He’s shooting cocaine, ketamine(he has ODed), doing crack, smoking weed, daily, but says he doesn’t have a problem, because nothing matters. It’s just for fun. He know what he’s doing... life is just all a game. I get that, but at the same time if nothing matters then why bother? Why not just die then?

I’m a rookie when it comes to psychedelics, but I want to explore more. My bf doesn’t like to trip anymore, he is more experienced then me but says it messes you up and he don’t like that, he already know the truth there is and he’s just been to deep into the rabbit hole. He can never become happy like he used to because he know too much. I think this is somehow bs. He just wants to do mostly hard drugs and smoke weed, drink booze, all these low consciousness activities really that I hate(except smoking weed and special k) which doesn’t appeal to me at all. I enjoy ketamine but in a normal dose and not shooting it.

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Oh no... oh no no no....

No, god,  please no.... 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So much radiculities in one post i can't handle ? 

Edited by Salvijus

Those you do not forgive you fear. 

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1 hour ago, Salvijus said:

Oh no... oh no no no....

No, god,  please no.... 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So much radiculities in one post i can't handle ? 

I know, pls help??

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FUCK. leave him

(my instant reaction to reading this) this helps yourself. ?

 

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In the Vast Expanse everything that arises is Lively Awakened Awareness.

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13 minutes ago, ZGROPIUS said:

FUCK. leave him

(my instant reaction to reading this) this helps yourself. ?

 

If I’m gonna be honest your reactions made me very emotional. I feel so fucking stuck in this relationship and I can’t talk to anybody because I moved far away from my family and friends to be with this guy and I barely talked to them because they are disappointed in me for getting back with him after breaking up. I thought that was a great idea.

The thing is he was everything I was looking for in the beginning. Felt like my perfect match but the more I get to know him, the worse I feel. Everyone I know including his own family says he’s toxic and possibly mentally ill. I don’t wanna say narcissist because that term gets thrown round a lot, but he has those kind of tendencies, also like BPD. His role models are people like hitler, the una bomber, Andrew tate, dictators in general. He believes they know the truth because they don’t care, like him. I hate these people, they don’t inspire me what so ever. He also believes in all the conspiracy theories and believes that the Jews are pure evil(I know we can’t discuss this in the forum that’s not my intention, I just mentioned it so you get the picture of the kind of person I’m talking about, he is very red/orange and a bit blue in his personality) I used to believe some conspiracies as well but thank gos I started to question some of that bullshit. He believes he knows the truth because of this lol

Before I met him a had a really good life. Good habits. Economy. Relationships. Health. Honestly everything has gotten down the drain. I’m so drained and can’t think clearly anymore. But the worst thing is that I feel sorry for him that he’s so fucked up. I’m the typical people pleaser, sensitive, introvert and pretty easy to manipulate I figured because I tend to try see the best in everybody. 

Why the fuck can’t I just leave????

I’m in a victim mindset I believe.

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Yeah, that's a nasty trap to be caught in. It's what happens when you twist the truth and use it to justify your nastiness. Nothing awake or loving about it. But it's a journey to go through, for sure.

I was in a nasty relationship too, not too long ago, so I can kind of relate. It was different than what you're describing, but toxic nevertheless. The dynamic was similar.

No other advice I can give, but to gather all your will and courage, start planning an escape, and then when the time comes leave, and never look back. You have to cut this out completely. Only that way can you heal and move on. At least that's what I had to do. Removing yourself from a hostile environment is an act of (self) love.

Stay strong. All the best.

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@Kimka 4

@Kimka I am very sorry for you. A mental ill Partner will make you a hard time. Maybe it takes 5 to 10 years to get him out of this fucked up mindset. 

Watch out for codependency 

I am so sorry for you 

If he only could do more psychedelics. Then at leas you can hope that he will have a breakthrough where he sees his toxic mindset. 

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10 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

Yeah, that's a nasty trap to be caught in. It's what happens when you twist the truth and use it to justify your nastiness. Nothing awake or loving about it. But it's a journey to go through, for sure.

I was in a nasty relationship too, not too long ago, so I can kind of relate. It was different than what you're describing, but toxic nevertheless. The dynamic was similar.

No other advice I can give, but to gather all your will and courage, start planning an escape, and then when the time comes leave, and never look back. You have to cut this out completely. Only that way can you heal and move on. At least that's what I had to do. Removing yourself from a hostile environment is an act of (self) love.

Stay strong. All the best.

Thank you for your empathy and kind words. It really means a lot since I already feel a lot of shame for getting myself into this messy situation. 
I try to tell myself that I’m exactly where I need to be in order to develop my character. To become stronger and learn not to be so naive in the future. 
I think this is a lesson for me but a really hard one. But there’s a reason why this all happened.

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@Kimka Even just through reading this I feel SICK. Do you have anything that you wish to achieve? I will not let people who act like this interrupt my life plan, take up my time and the things I love. They do not hurt my values. You can feel that too. This shit person can no longer help you developing yourself anymore. Even you follow a great master it's still so hard to get progress. Don't fool yourself. Now his shit just dragging you down. 

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It sounds like you and your boyfriend have different perspectives on the use of drugs and the meaning of life. However, it's important to note that the idea that "nothing really matters" is a common but ultimately unhealthy mindset that can lead to negative consequences, such as drug abuse and depression. Substance abuse, particularly with drugs like cocaine and ketamine, can have serious impacts on one's physical and mental health, and can lead to addiction and other dangerous outcomes.

Furthermore, using drugs as a means of escape or to avoid dealing with life's challenges is not a sustainable or fulfilling way to live. It's important to find healthier ways to cope with stress and negative emotions, such as therapy, exercise, and connecting with loved ones.

Finally, it's up to you to make your own choices about what activities and substances you want to engage with. It's important to prioritize your own health and well-being, and to seek help if you feel like you're struggling with substance abuse or any other issue.

It really just comes down to what makes you fulfilled.

Edited by r0ckyreed

“Our most valuable resource is not time, but rather it is consciousness itself. Consciousness is the basis for everything, and without it, there could be no time and no resource possible. It is only through consciousness and its cultivation that one’s passions, one’s focus, one’s curiosity, one’s time, and one’s capacity to love can be actualized and lived to the fullest.” - r0ckyreed

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7 minutes ago, OBEler said:

@Kimka 4

@Kimka I am very sorry for you. A mental ill Partner will make you a hard time. Maybe it takes 5 to 10 years to get him out of this fucked up mindset. 

Watch out for codependency 

I am so sorry for you 

If he only could do more psychedelics. Then at leas you can hope that he will have a breakthrough where he sees his toxic mindset. 

Thanks for your empathy and kindness. Like I said in my previous post I feel so ashamed about all this. So it means a lot. 
I’m already very codependent. My biggest wish would be for him to see his toxic behavior. He told me like 2 years before we met he had a trip that changed his life. He took 5 tabs of acid and understood all the harm that he caused and realized he was a drug addict and he quit everything. He tells me know he’s substance abuse is “under control” but to me it sounds like denial. He’s also scared of tripping to often, while I like it a lot because I get more perspectives and self awareness, even though it can be hard to realize toxic shit about yourself I want to strive to become better so it’s worth it to me. 

The sad thing is that he’s too caught up in all these conspiracy theories when we trip. I think it’s a distraction from his own toxicity. So he projects it to “the Jews“ and “the elites”, instead of looking at his own shit. Do you think psychedelics could help? Any particular substance or dosage?

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Nothing matters until you are faced with a situation between life and death, between damnation to evil or salvation.

In that night, it mattered that I won and didn’t lose, my life.

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Just now, Rahra said:

In that night, it mattered that I won and didn’t lose, my life.

I love this poetic expression. AAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhh LOV IT!!!!!!

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8 minutes ago, ZGROPIUS said:

@Kimka Even just through reading this I feel SICK. Do you have anything that you wish to achieve? I will not let people who act like this interrupt my life plan, take up my time and the things I love. They do not hurt my values. You can feel that too. This shit person can no longer help you developing yourself anymore. Even you follow a great master it's still so hard to get progress. Don't fool yourself. Now his shit just dragging you down. 

I understand that. I feel very unhealthy. I guess I’m allowing it because I’m also toxic in some way. I try to realize this during my trips, maybe I should up my dosage.

my dream would be to explore the world. I would love to own a van and travel alot with my little dog. I just want to feel freedom. I want to heal my traumas, meet amazing likeminded people and enjoy my lifep

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8 minutes ago, r0ckyreed said:

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have different perspectives on the use of drugs and the meaning of life. However, it's important to note that the idea that "nothing really matters" is a common but ultimately unhealthy mindset that can lead to negative consequences, such as drug abuse and depression. Substance abuse, particularly with drugs like cocaine and ketamine, can have serious impacts on one's physical and mental health, and can lead to addiction and other dangerous outcomes.

Furthermore, using drugs as a means of escape or to avoid dealing with life's challenges is not a sustainable or fulfilling way to live. It's important to find healthier ways to cope with stress and negative emotions, such as therapy, exercise, and connecting with loved ones.

Finally, it's up to you to make your own choices about what activities and substances you want to engage with. It's important to prioritize your own health and well-being, and to seek help if you feel like you're struggling with substance abuse or any other issue.

It really just comes down to what makes you fulfilled.

Yes we are basically complete opposites. This attitude is exactly why his life is like this I believe. I do think stuff matters. Creating a meaningful life with loving relationships. Being a good person. 
His philosophy is that you can do whatever you want as long as you’re not hurting anybody but his abuse is hurting me, his family, my family. And his hurting himself. 
He doesn’t believe in therapy. He believes everything mainstream is shit. That they don’t care about helping him and just want his money. Therapy for him is doing drugs. I think there is a major difference in doing hard drugs vs psychedelics. Sure you can abuse psychedelics as well as an escape from real life. 
It really helps to write all of this and hear your perspectives. This has been going on for so long that I normalized this. I think I’m dissociating a lot as well in my daily life. All of you think it sounds insane, and writing all of this, I have to agree. 
Im gonna try to take care of myself, heal my traumas and start over. 

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10 minutes ago, Rahra said:

Nothing matters until you are faced with a situation between life and death, between damnation to evil or salvation.

In that night, it mattered that I won and didn’t lose, my life.

This is so true. I love this??

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1 minute ago, Kimka said:

my dream would be to explore the world. I would love to own a van and travel alot with my little dog. I just want to feel freedom. I want to heal my traumas, meet amazing likeminded people and enjoy my life

?????????????????✨☹️MY GIRL. This sounds sooo00000gOOOOOOOD. I feel the clean and pure blue sky while I'm looking out from your van, I saw limpid green coloured trees flying through the side. The smell of clean cold air and shiny pump feeling arise from my stomach. This feels so good. And NOTHING like what you describe your boyfriend's situation. You can be so happy. Your life can be so good.

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there's a HUGE difference between nothing matters as a Nihilistic way of being & Nothing matters absolutely speaking. 

One leads to this kind of behavior, the other is an inherent truth but leads to the understanding of love, and why 'relatively' everything matters

 


'One is always in the absolute state, knowingly or unknowingly for that is all there is.' Francis Lucille. 

'Peace and Happiness are inherent in Consciousness.' Rupert Spira 

“Your own Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render the world.” Ramana Maharshi

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