Nothing matters

[flowboy]

2 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

The only solution for me is go to the cause, not to the effects 

You're absolutely right, but the OP is in a critical situation right now, in my assessment.

If she starts practicing introspection and self-awareness first, instead of leaving first, it may well be too late.

First things first.

GTFO, then heal.

[Breakingthewall]

Just now, flowboy said:

You're absolutely right, but the OP is in a critical situation right now, in my assessment.

If she starts practicing introspection and self-awareness first, instead of leaving first, it may well be too late.

First things first.

GTFO, then heal.

Yeah, i agree, it was very difficult for me to act just by will, but other people can. 

I wish the op find the necessary strength

[OBEler]

@Kimka I would just have a talk with him. Say directly what you dont like. 

People here giving you advice to leave without contact him are not empathetic to him. He should know the reason otherwise he will suffer very deep and his drug Addiction will go out of control 

 

[ZGROPIUS]

@musicandmath111 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH OM GOD

[Leo Gura]

Keep in mind, if nothing matters to him, then YOU don't matter to him.

[Kimka]

8 hours ago, ZGROPIUS said:

Ooooo0h，I feel now. Depressed nihilism is actually valuing something ideal in their mind, unconsciously. And rejects all the reality that seems can not fulfill them/ didn't give them enough love.

That’s very interesting

[Kimka]

10 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

He's full of shit.

You don't need to be Awake to know that nothing matters. It's obvious with just a bit of thinking.

Yeah I know lol. He’s pretty close minded 

[Kimka]

On 2023-02-02 at 10:38 AM, flowboy said:

 

The definition of codependency is an unrealistic hope that people will change.

 

What's the root of codependency?

Almost always the relationship with one or both of the parents.

If your dad (or mom) was never attentive or loving enough in some way, or emotionally manipulative, always putting you down, or always needed you instead of being there for you in the way that you really needed, you have two choices: accept that he will never love you and be there for you in the way that you need (hopelessness, unacceptable to a child), or decide to struggle to change your parent into the person you need him to be, who can love you the way you need.

With such a history, people start dating as adults, and then they go looking not for the people they need, but the people who they can struggle to change into the people they need them to be.

And it never works.

See, this is the stupid boring pattern that you're caught in.

It's just imperfect parenting, making you want to seek out this loser and die of an overdose with him, thinking it's romantic.

It's not.

It's boring and hopelessly cliche.

Millions and millions of women have died because of loyalty to a toxic boyfriend, and nobody remembers them or thinks that's cool.

 

Your parents fucked some things up, now you're codependent. Is that worth throwing away your life over?

Because you could also escape this relationship and get therapy and have a great life.

Just don't forget the therapy, because codependency is not a habit that you can simply unlearn.

I had my mind blown today. 
I don’t have a therapist but I enjoy writing so I journal a lot. I have this ritual that when I have full written journal, I go through it to read all it, to get like another perspective. Then I throw it in the fireplace to keep my privacy. I did this today.

I started this journal like 9-10 months ago, and the things I wrote about today was some childhood stuff. When I began to read what I was feeling in my adult relationship, it was almost identical to how I felt as a child. Both in my relationship and my childhood I felt I can never be myself, or else I’m rejected. I have to make sure that my parent/partner is taken care of, and it’s more important than myself. When I was a child my parents drank alot and were having fights, screaming and stuff, and I was the mediator between them, so they both came to me complaining about their problems. I tried to solve them even though a child that age don’t understand relationship and the problems that can come with it. Our brains are so fragile. I was like maybe 8 years old when it started. My younger sibling were always very distressed about this situation so I was busy taking care of her needs. I never showed my emotion or that this bothered me. I just shut down.  I notice I do the same with my boyfriend. My father even told me I act like a mother in my relationship. I was always the “easy child” who never bothered, very mature for my age. Yeah no wonder, cause I was raised to act like like a parent to my parents and my younger sibling. Nobody gave a fuck about me and my feelings. So I attracted a person who makes me feel the same in adulthood as a did a child. 

I started to google some of this behavior and apparently it’s called parentification when caregivers and children switch roles. And it’s common to get into these abusive relationships as an adult because parentification is a form of emotional abuse. Because your parents were emotionally immature I have a partner that’s the same. This is not like an excuse or anything. I just wanted to share because I really got awareness today of all this. Psychology is interesting and an amazing tool. 
therapy might be good for a neutral perpective.

[Kimka]

8 hours ago, puporing said:

I don't know if internet is the best place for this. Maybe talk to a therapist, or some alone time, not to get advice, but to have a safe neutral ish space to sort out your own true feelings, even if it's conflicting. Because at the end of the day, we don't know you, or the guy, and people project things that may or may not be true.. all the best.

 

 

I wanted to go to therapy, I got a letter for my anppointment and my bf was like why do you need a therapist? They just want you to feel bad so they can take your money, I client that feels good is a lost client??‍♀️ so I try to journal out my feelings. I also spend time alone in nature.
When I leave I think I will go to therapy to process all this. This post is just the tip of the iceberg of everything going on.

thank you❤️

[Kimka]

7 hours ago, flowboy said:

When people are that toxic and you're that vulnerable to their manipulation/charm, then it's better to just escape with no contact.

Each time you let him call you or see you, you risk being convinced, charmed or threatened back into the life that will lead you to an untimely drug overdose and a stillborn baby.

Yes, just go, and you better have changed your number and found a good therapist by the time you're 30

I'm rooting for you.

 

Gameplan

Go in the morning so you can get a head start.

Drive 4-6 hours to another city on the way, before he finds out.

In that city you copy the phone numbers of your most important friends and family to your phone memory, delete his number, throw the old sim card in the trash and buy a new temporary one.

Also block/delete him on all social media, and delete the social media apps from your phone temporarily.

Then just keep driving until you reach your destination.

There's always a moment of cold feet, regret, and we want to prevent him being able to talk to you.

Leave a note if you want, to make it feel like closure. Accept that you're never coming back.

But hide the note so that it will take him a day to find.

Prevent all contact from the moment you start driving.

 

 

Also: realise your part in all this. You're still going to be very vulnerable and attracted to other toxic guys for a while after.

So don't make the common mistake of landing in someone else's arms.

They are also not going to be healthy, even if you think so.

Just get some healthy friends, a place to stay, and a good therapist.

First of all thank you for all the time and energy you take to write these posts. 
I think I was to adjust some things to this game plan. The thing is we’ve been a couple for 5 years. We have 3 dogs and a house together that I would deeply miss. I have all of his friends and family on social media. Last time we separated I moved in with my parents and if I would leave that’s where I would go and he knows them and knows where they live, If he wanted to get a hold of me. Our lives are very intertwined. His family has actually been really great to be. He has a complicated relationship to them. He hates his mom but her and I have a great relationship and she has been there for me. She even told me she will help me if I decide to leave him.

I hope to find a good therapist as well, I really need it. Thank you for all the support❤️??

[Kimka]

6 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

Maybe It's a good plan but it requires great willpower and self-control. in my case it never worked, the same as with other addictions. What did work is making me aware of myself and the process that led me to fall into certain practices. The last time I was in a sick relationship based on drugs and madness that I couldn't get out of, it happened that one day I couldn't look that person in the face. it made me physically sick. The same thing happened to me with tobacco, with marijuana, with mdma, with cocaine, with bad food, with everything. if it were not so, it would only have replaced one toxin with another. it's enormously difficult to know how to act when you're that way. The only solution for me is go to the cause, not to the effects 

I’m trying to do this, get to the root cause. Otherwise I know I will get in another toxic situation.

[Kimka]

6 hours ago, OBEler said:

@Kimka I would just have a talk with him. Say directly what you dont like. 

People here giving you advice to leave without contact him are not empathetic to him. He should know the reason otherwise he will suffer very deep and his drug Addiction will go out of control 

 

Yes I really appreciate all the consideration people here have it warms my heart. But I wrote in one post that it that be difficult to just leave because we’ve been together for 5 years, have 3 dogs together, a house. So it’s real difficult. 
but it’s also super difficult to discuss things with him, he gets very defensive and doesn’t see a problem. Except when he’s on coke, he gets like super calm and really listens to me. But when he sober he can make fun of me and my concerns I expressed to him. Really wierd I know. I just wish he could see how his actions are hurting me and us.

[Kimka]

4 hours ago, musicandmath111 said:

If your boyfriend really thinks that nothing matters, then it certainly won't matter for him if you leave. He's an asshole.

Well yeah technically???

[Kimka]

54 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Keep in mind, if nothing matters to him, then YOU don't matter to him.

Good point. I told him this. Mind you we were on acid when he told me that nothing matters.

He told me that nothing matters except from one thing, and that is love. He told me that he is love. That I am love. We are made of the same, that why we have to be together. 
It was a really beautiful experience at the time. But if I’m gonna be honest I’m cringing a bit right now.

[ZGROPIUS]

1 minute ago, Kimka said:

He told me that nothing matters except from one thing, and that is love. He told me that he is love. That I am love. We are made of the same, that why we have to be together. 

Through reading these words, a wave of tender warmth rose up my back. 

God......                                 ..........no wonder you keep going through this.

 

[Kimka]

7 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

Yeah, i agree, it was very difficult for me to act just by will, but other people can. 

I wish the op find the necessary strength

Thank you❤️

[Kimka]

10 minutes ago, ZGROPIUS said:

Through reading these words, a wave of tender warmth rose up my back. 

God......                                 ..........no wonder you keep going through this.

 

I’m not sure if you’re being serious or sarcastic?

it can be pretty confusing at times. But seems like this relationship is making me realize things that was previously very much unconscious to me.

[ZenAlex]

The whole thing about "nothing mattering" is the same sort of thing as people saying life has no meaning. 

But things can matter TO YOU. Just like things have meaning FOR YOU. 

Meaning could only ever be subjective because what gives something meaning is the value something brings to your life, and what brings value to you may not bring value to someone else.

It's subjective but it also exists in whatever form matters. If you're in a state of mind where you think nothing matters, then you're depressed.

I'd highly suggest avoiding drugs of any kind until you're in a better state of mind

Life is not a bi-product of meaning, meaning is a bi-product of life.

Edited February 3, 2023 by ZenAlex

[Breakingthewall]

3 hours ago, Kimka said:

I’m trying to do this, get to the root cause. Otherwise I know I will get in another toxic situation.

maybe you never return to a toxic relationship, and this serves as a vaccine. I had enough with one. getting into that doesn't necessarily mean you're dependent, stupid, or whatever, it's that you fell in love with the wrong person and that's it. There will come a day (quite close I would say) when you look at the guy's face and see reality as it is, and think: god, how can he be so stupid and how did I like this fake drug addict? and you will not need to change the phone or anything like that. the spell will have been broken and as soon as you see another similar one you will see the bottom of his dead soul in a minute. or so I think

[halfknots]

It sounds like bf is using drugs to hide, and hiding behind philosophy to justify that. If he REALLYY KNEW nothing mattered, it would be just as easy for him to not destroy his body and relationships with drug abuse.

Edited February 3, 2023 by halfknots