feeling guilty for wanting mens attention

[Maja31]

Hi I'm female and I noticed that I enjoy men's attention and I feel really guilty about it. 

It feels like I should not want it or feeling dependent to that. But it gives me really good feelings when men are interested in me, talking to me or just give me looks and so on. 

In social situations with men I'm normally reserved and superficial but still polite. Because I don't want anyone to notice that I actually wish me more attention. I feel so ashamed by this requirement. 

I wonder if this has something to do with my father. He was less interested in caring or loving me, he just wanted me to function, not being weak, not crying or something and focused on achievement. He also was absolutely judgemental and always told me that I'm not good enough (the typical father story I guess). 

Often it feels like I feel too much awe to men. I put the attention from men on a pedestal.  I wish me that attention so much but otherwise men scare me and I feel intimidated by them but I think that's more in my head than the actual situation. Because normally men are really polite and respectful to me.. But always this situations are really stressing me out. 

So I would appreciate if someone can help me without judging my situation.. How can I become more relaxed with men? I really like men, but also they scare me and I don't want to feel so dependent to their positive opinion about me. Why am I feeling this so intense and what could I do about it? 

Best regards from germany and sorry for the grammar 

 

[Roy]

2 things;

- Men are like bears, they seem big and scary but they are just as scared of you (if not more) as you are of them  I promise you.

- Are you seeking their validation and attention, because you aren't able to validate yourself?

[Cleopatra]

One person doesn’t get to decide whether you are good enough, even if it’s your father. He’s just one person, one vote, and you can take away his voting power by no longer accepting his view of you. And no, it’s not typical for a parent to always tell their kids they are not good enough, that’s really shitty parenting. 

Theres nothing wrong with liking male attention, it’s flattering and very valuable when it’s coming from the right men. I think it’s good to enjoy when men validate your looks, it’s a fun part of womanhood. I personally cannot understand why men give us women so much attention but it’s fun. Just don’t outsource validation of your “core self” to anyone else male or female because we are all human and just trying to do our best. Everyone is just like you existing in a world we don’t control and trying to understand it and ourselves so don’t put people on pedestals. 

[JonasVE12]

Beauty needs a witness. The feminine is a reflection of beauty. When beauty has no witness, it dies. Being seen and witnessed is what gives the feminine it's energy. It's a natural desire for the feminine to feel lighter and more alive when it gets noticed. All the subtle gestures with the hair, the effort into your make up into perfection, the perfectly chosen colors and clothes that just flow together, why would you all do that if there was no one else to notice you? So don't feel bad to enjoy this. It is your nature. However in this case it sounds like there is some deeper repressed emotions attached to the lusting.  

[Raze]

Try looking for ways to meet your own emotional needs and improve self esteem.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0Yw6wNNx7E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wW8yzTUFcts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubOlsCr13q4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yC2ZiPfwf1M 

Try removing “should” from your self vocabulary. Rather than thinking “I should not ___” try instead to accept having those feelings as they are, because if you shouldn’t have them they wouldn’t be there.

Edited May 14, 2022 by Raze

[Leo Gura]

Stop judging yourself for wanting that attention and stop feeling like it's wrong. Enjoy it. Get your fill of it for a while so you don't feel so thirsty for it. Let yourself feel good and desired.

After you get your fill of that you can do some more advanced work to let go of needing that to feel good about yourself.

It's normal for you to want to be desired and loved by others. Do not feel guilty about that.

[Reciprocality]

You want something, but you suppress this which you want by not owning the desire.

You can speculate all you want, and even if you find a good answer for why you want what you want it is unlikely to make you want it any less, perhaps some decent psychoanalytic session with a professional could do just that though, by not merely finding the root cause intellectually but by feeling into it in the many ways this can be done. These emotions typically comes with a layer of acceptance of innocence.

There is no better defense than innocence, I will add that even today women are often coerced not to desire, if so merely affection, it can be that you are wrestling with.

 

But if you truly have the power to change the desire of attention, and it is your own judgement more so than cultural that it is 'wrong' then I would say it is sure to continue to haunt you, if you do nothing about it.

[LSD-Rumi]

All women want to be desired by men, it is backed into their genes like how men cannot resist looking at hot women. Now, when it comes to desires, it is important not to repress them, repression is not a conscious way of dealing with things. Repression  turns you into a hypocrite, you make yourself look like you don't desire while you know between you and yourself that you do. Repression doesn't work, it hurts emotionally to engage in it.

What works better instead is expression in a healthy manner. Recognize that you have this desire for mens' attention and you want to be desired, recogize this and recognize how it is totally normal and acceptable for a woman to have these kinds of feelings and desires, and how you like to look hot and attractive and how you want men to chase you with their eyes. Accept all of these desires as normal and allow yourself to express them freely.

Now what comes after expression is transendence, which is to free yourself of those desires. But transendence requires time and a lot of work, and it cannot be done if you still repressing the desire. First you must express then you can transcend.

 

[Spiral]

Be careful not to be manipulative about however. I’ve heard that it’s quite common. 
 

As in trying to get a particular guy to like you just for the attention. 

[ZzzleepingBear]

Attention from the opposite sex goes both ways so there is no shame it that. You already seem aware of what the underlying issue could stem from so thats a good thing to be mindful of instead of blaming yourself for feelings that you may not be in control of.

It sounds like you may try to compensate a bit by overvaluing other mens attention as a confirmation of your own value. Everything is a balancing act. If you unconciously seek out mens attention as a confirmation for your learned sense of lack of masculinity. Then it's possible that this lack of masculine attention is a unconscious feedback loop that keeps being reinforced by a total submissiveness to men.

Some advice would be to focus more on clear verbal communication to be able to create more defined boundaries, both emotionally and mentally to what you fear or love when it comes to men.

Communication is key, and learn your red flags no mather what gender you have. Trust comes from clear and mutualy established boundaries.

12 hours ago, Maja31 said:

Often it feels like I feel too much awe to men. I put the attention from men on a pedestal.  I wish me that attention so much but otherwise men scare me and I feel intimidated by them but I think that's more in my head than the actual situation. Because normally men are really polite and respectful to me.. But always this situations are really stressing me out. 

My sense of this is that it feels as if you have to unconsciously give yourself up and away fully, to be worthy of this recognition you recieve from men. And that would indeed be very stressful if, you one one hand crave alot of attention, but also have to give up your sense of self and thereby your self worth in exchange for any attention. It is possible that this sensation can internally be felt as if you owe someone your full attention and admiration to be appriciated.

Here is a thought that you could keep in mind if you feel stressed about mens attention. "I am loved and appriciated, and I owe no one, for it to be so" "I am loved and appriciated for being". Try not to be hard on yourself when investigating your feelings, but learn more about integrity and mutual communication to level out any sense of inbalance in yourself. It's also good to be a bit playful with all of this, so it's not all dead seriousness.

[gettoefl]

men seek attraction women seek attention

for me to seek attention would be unbearable, i would feel under a microscope always on display and under scrutiny ever judged on how i'm presenting

for me to seek attraction feels powerful and stimulating, i love seeing fit hot nubile women everywhere, i can play my cards however i choose, i can use initiative and guile to step up and take my chances any time i please

that's because i am a man and this is how we are all made, i don't feel guilty or rueful about this, it is the game of life and it's a damn good game

one day i know i will discard the game since i will have had my fill but until then i enjoy every speck of the divine that i find

[puporing]

18 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

until then i enjoy every speck of the divine that i find

Haha well said

Um yeah.. no need to feel guilty at all. Sounds like at least it's not causing you too many problems. Psychologists love to use the childhood thing and act like clinicians when women seek attention from males, but I think that's kind of BS, and maybe even a bit misogynistic since they're saying we shouldn't have these feelings/desires.  

Edited May 14, 2022 by puporing

[gettoefl]

31 minutes ago, puporing said:

Haha well said

Um yeah.. no need to feel guilty at all. Sounds like at least it's not causing you too many problems. Psychologists love to use the childhood thing and act like clinicians when women seek attention from males, but I think that's kind of BS, and maybe even a bit misogynistic since they're saying we shouldn't have these feelings/desires.  

exactly if you got it flaunt it and even if you haven't i always give double points for anyone who risks a smile

[Tudo]

12 hours ago, Spiral said:

Be careful not to be manipulative about however. I’ve heard that it’s quite common. 
 

As in trying to get a particular guy to like you just for the attention. 

Yes, very important, enjoy the attention when guys give it to you. But don't keep giving them hope( in the case you don't want anything to do with them) just so they keep giving you attention. This is low integrity behavior, don't do it.

Edited May 14, 2022 by Tudo