cutting ties with a mentally ill friend

[kag101]

context

we are not super close. but i do talk with him from time to time. we sometimes have some enjoyable conversations, but his mental state is off the rails.

three weeks ago he attempted suicide. then the other day he called me when he was in the middle of a crisis. and two days ago, he simply sent me, out of nowhere, a picture of his wrists covered in blood. he had cut himself. he said he had a relapse because of his ex.

i was in shock. i only send him something like: "i'm not the right person to help you in this moment. you need specialized help asap."

this made me realize that i have to distance myself from him -- for my own mental health.

 

my plan

i thought about distancing myself in a gradual way. but especially after that picture he sent, he crossed a line that i don't think i should tolerate. so basically he's a person that i don't want to have any contact in my life anymore. 

so maybe it'd be better to send him a text explaining respectfully -- yet firmly -- why i decided to distance myself from him. and if he insists on interacting with me, i might take more serious measures (e.g., blocking).

 

any thoughts? thanks!

[LastThursday]

It seems clear that you know what you want in this situation.  However you distance yourself from him, in the long run the result is the same. Logically, you want to make it as quick as possible for yourself. But you should deal with the situation with integrity and respect.

Why not do both? Explain why you're distancing yourself, and that he should get help, but also explain that you are blocking him immediately - don't give him the option of contacting you.

 

[itachi uchiha]

Read the chapter

"" infection.avoid the unhappy and unlucky""

In the book 48 laws of power.u will have all your questions answered in that chapter.

 

Today i cut down all toxic people.if i do not cut down then i am fucked 

[Kshantivadin]

I ask not for lighter burdens, but for broader shoulders

[PepperBlossoms]

You could also look at it like a way to become a better friend, a challenge to take on, and a way for both of you to heal and get stronger together.  You don't have to be perfect to be helpful.

I am not skilled in why people cut their wrists but it may be associated with shame or guilt and they feel like they have to punish themselves; it may be associated with a call for attention because they feel lonely; it may be associated with numbness and wanting to feel something so they create pain.  Your friend has a lot of skills that they need to gain and it can start with having people showing them love and probably being around them more rather than less.

Shame or guilt - they need to work through why they feel that way, why they did what they did, what are some other things that they can do when the situation happens again, and then forgive themselves and release the shame/guilt

Lonely/attention - there are lots of free online mental health support groups- like several everyday.  That can help as well going to a therapist as well as having more friends to talk to.  Your friend needs people to talk to.  Your friend needs love and attention right now.

Numbness - that could have to do with various trauma that they are having a hard time facing.

Low self esteem/negative thinking - It could be from how they were raised - parents/environment.  It could be they have an inner critic that is very toxic that they have not been able to work on and transform into a healthy way yet.

I am not a mental health professional but these came to mind.  I hope they are okay.

Sometimes we think the other person is an issue and we want to distance ourselves from them and we don't want to listen to them, but sometimes their anger/outbursts/sadness/meanness are calls for help, for love, for needing to be heard, for needing to be understood, for needing to be appreciated, etc.

You may later regret avoiding your friend in this hard time or wishing that you had done more.  We can always do more.  I am not necessarily correct in any of this and you don't have to take any of this advice either.

Edited March 18, 2022 by PepperBlossoms

[Ulax]

Sounds healthy.

I'd check out, 'When I say no I feel guilty' to validate your desired action

[kag101]

19 hours ago, LastThursday said:

However you distance yourself from him, in the long run the result is the same. Logically, you want to make it as quick as possible for yourself. But you should deal with the situation with integrity and respect.

yes, i am considering just distancing myself.

on the other hand, i just want to get this over with. i have no interest in maintaining any sort of contact with him.

 

16 hours ago, Kshantivadin said:

I ask not for lighter burdens, but for broader shoulders

I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands

 

16 hours ago, itachi uchiha said:

Today i cut down all toxic people.if i do not cut down then i am fucked 

nowadays i'm more conservative in terms of cutting down people. i only do so if it's really necessary. because if i do it impulsively, i might regret afterwards.

 

8 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

You could also look at it like a way to become a better friend, a challenge to take on, and a way for both of you to heal and get stronger together.  You don't have to be perfect to be helpful.

have you ever tried to be a friend of someone who is struggling with mental illness? it's very exhausting. and what i'm coming to the conclusion is that my emotional support isn't really helping him.

he needs a good therapist and psychiatrist, and an inner true desire to recover. without that, maintaining an emotional bond with him will sooner or later become unbearable. 

but anyway, thanks for you input

 

8 hours ago, Ulax said:

Sounds healthy.

I'd check out, 'When I say no I feel guilty' to validate your desired action

thanks for the recommendation!

[Yali]

blocking him might make his problem worse

 

[PepperBlossoms]

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/supporting-someone-mental-health-problem

Quote

You will have your own limits to the support that you can provide. And it's important to take care of yourself too. Give yourself time to rest and process what they have told you or what’s happened. Try to help them create a support network of other friends, relatives and mental health professionals who can help them too.

Remember that If you believe they are in immediate danger or they have injuries that need medical attention, you need to take urgent action to make sure they are safe. More details on dealing in a crisis can be found below.

I can see that it is a super tough situation but do what feels right for you.  I can see that the emotional support would be really hard to keep up and that directing him as much as possible to professional resources, which you did, is good.  Sometimes we need new perspectives, environments, and info and going to what we are used to isn't enough because we need more variety from what we currently have to figure things out.

[LastThursday]

On 19/03/2022 at 5:19 AM, kag101 said:

i have no interest in maintaining any sort of contact with him.

That is super clear. So it's just a matter of when you cut off contact. Now or in five years or longer.

[Nivsch]

Demonization of mental states is a bad idea.

I am not saying you do that, and I understand your fear of drowning into his spiral, but there must be a way to help, without be immersed in the situation yourself.

So yes, tell him he need professional help, this is necessary in this situation, but just to tell him that is not enough.

The problem is complex and has many facets and causes, but a real support is to be there for him unconditionaly and make him learn also his own capabilities to help himself even if its a long process of weeks and months.

If you are so scared of the situation maybe it means that there is here a challenge and a path of development for you too. If you care about him even in some way, dont run from him.

Edited March 21, 2022 by Nivsch

[LastThursday]

41 minutes ago, Nivsch said:

but just to tell him that is not enough.

In many cases that is enough.

It's always a judgement call whether to help someone or not. Even if you are well meaning and want to help someone, you may find that you're out of your depth - which is why professionals exist. The person may or may not be ready to receive help. Often people who need help look for it from the wrong people. I can't speak for @kag101, but it seems clear that s/he is not in a position to be able to help and so should be kind to her/himself and cut contact.

[BlueOak]

The picture is a call for help. Distancing is likely to worsen the condition. Suicide often but certainly not exclusively, comes from loneliness. So i'd personally want to do my best to get them help but also tell them they can't send pictures of that anymore, they can't do that to themselves anymore, as its horrific and they REALLY NEED HELP RIGHT NOW.

I'd go and find a few specialists or counselors, get a few numbers and even make a call myself telling a professional about the picture I was just sent. Maybe even the police if it was advised.

If you want to be with them through the process that's a different thing, it sounds like you are not comfortable with that, and so you've got to respect yourself too. Your boundaries, what you will and won't do. I once had a friend with Asperger's, some aspects of that friendship I loved but I had to set strict limits on how much time I would spend with them, as they tended to draw me in to their life more than I wanted.

Its about finding a balance, but definitely make a couple of calls and tell someone about that photo.

[Nivsch]

28 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

In many cases that is enough.

It's always a judgement call whether to help someone or not. Even if you are well meaning and want to help someone, you may find that you're out of your depth - which is why professionals exist. The person may or may not be ready to receive help. Often people who need help look for it from the wrong people. I can't speak for @kag101, but it seems clear that s/he is not in a position to be able to help and so should be kind to her/himself and cut contact.

"You need to see professional help". Yes, this sentence alone will definitely make him do so ?‍♂️ Its like "hey see, you are fat! Eat healthy ok??"

Sorry but just to say to someone "go to professional help" = pure NOTHINGNESS.

 

Edited March 21, 2022 by Nivsch

[puporing]

Not sure where you're from but in North America, most places have a distress line number you can call and you can ask them to give a call to your friend. As well you should give that number to him when saying you're not the right person to help him (it would help if you could at least tell him you're concerned about him). He probably just needs to talk it out with someone who's trained to do this and that's what those numbers are for if he has nobody else/close friend to go to. 

Edited March 21, 2022 by puporing

[LastThursday]

12 minutes ago, Nivsch said:

"You need to see professional help". Yes, this sentence alone will definitely make him do so ?‍♂️ Its like "hey see, you are fat! Eat healthy ok??"

Sorry but just to say to someone "go to professional help" = pure NOTHINGNESS.

You help at whatever level you're able and willing to. There isn't some minimum level of help you should be giving. My way of helping @kag101 is to show that the option of walking away is ok. There's no need to try and be a hero.

[A Fellow Lighter]

On 18/03/2022 at 8:35 AM, kag101 said:

context

we are not super close. but i do talk with him from time to time. we sometimes have some enjoyable conversations, but his mental state is off the rails.

three weeks ago he attempted suicide. then the other day he called me when he was in the middle of a crisis. and two days ago, he simply sent me, out of nowhere, a picture of his wrists covered in blood. he had cut himself. he said he had a relapse because of his ex.

i was in shock. i only send him something like: "i'm not the right person to help you in this moment. you need specialized help asap."

this made me realize that i have to distance myself from him -- for my own mental health.

 

my plan

i thought about distancing myself in a gradual way. but especially after that picture he sent, he crossed a line that i don't think i should tolerate. so basically he's a person that i don't want to have any contact in my life anymore. 

so maybe it'd be better to send him a text explaining respectfully -- yet firmly -- why i decided to distance myself from him. and if he insists on interacting with me, i might take more serious measures (e.g., blocking).

 

any thoughts? thanks!

I don't know you, and so.. I don't know your heart. But if by any chance it is a big and resilience, then I'll tell you that you can most certainly help your friend by first: not trying to help, but by trying to listen to him. Don't approach your friend with any solution, just approach with open ears and open heart, truly just listen to what he has to say, be open to what he has to show you, just pay attention to him whenever he is in need of it, but don't offer any solutions, even if he asks, just don't. Because if you do offer, then you'd do yourself a tremendous dis-service, for you'll be initiating one of the biggest energy-vampirism that you'll ever experience directly. So, if he asks for ideas, just say you don't have any clue as to how you'll help him, don't even mention s psychiatrist or whatever, just be as clueless as a newborn baby when it comes to these things - but listen to him. Listen to him with interest. Listen to him as if you've never in your life conceived of a mental illness, and the universe is showing you, as creator, what it is. Do this with no criticism of any kind, don't judge your friend in anyway - remember, you're as clueless as a child - just listen, no matter how painful his words may come across, listen to them. 

If you do this, as I have stated, you would be doing the most heroic deed a man can ever do - even more greater than the doctors you were previously referring him to. This I say with 100% certainty. So, it is only your choice to make, whether to go stick with him by only listening, or to unfriend him and move on with your life. The choice is yours to make, and no one is capable of condemning you for it, that is.. no one but yourself of course.

In deed there is nothing more debilitatingly difficult than the illness of the mind, nothing conveys crisis like the mental illness. So please do not think that I respond to you with the nativity of goodness or the arrogance of innocence. I respond only with truth and the willingness to be of assistance. Nothing else. 

Good luck, Lighter.