soos_mite_ah

Psychoanalyzing Myself

258 posts in this topic

I felt everything in this video. Lately, I feel like I'm doing better at letting go of my restrictive habits and attitudes around food but I still feel gross in my body. Issa work in progress. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Finally Getting Over Myself 

I don't even know to what extent this post is really cohesive. After writing it, it did feel all over the place. I guess enjoy me rambling and trying to check in with myself. 

My self deprecation has been much lower in the last couple of weeks. Lately, I've been feeling like I've been getting over myself and stepping into healtheir, albeit fuller and busier routines. There is a part of me that feels like I've used my self esteem as a punching bag enough and I'm just over it. It's not in the sense that I'm so done with life and I want to make a big change but it's more like *yep, I'm done throwing a tantrum.* I guess the last few months was me just purging a lot of neurotic thoughts to the point where they don't really come up anymore since they already passed through me. It feels kind of equivalent to whenever I spend 3 hours straight of playing some random game on my phone and then after a while I just stop caring even though it was rather obsessive a minute ago. 

I think the other thing is that I'm finally getting used to my schedule. I'm pretty busy throughout the day and a few weeks ago I felt really burnt out and over all just done but now I feel fine. I know for the last couple years I have been really taking it easier due to my physical and mental health and it took me a minute to get back to my normal degree of functioning. I basically went from having all of this free time to myself to work through things and now I don't have as much free time (though I still prioritize it) so it was an adjustment. I don't feel socially drained as I used to now that I've gotten back in the habit of prioritizing that aspect of my life more. The same goes for work and school. 

There is still this remanents of mild depression here and there. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. Maybe I'm still adjusting and I need to take care of myself more or maybe it's me still dealing with family issues and the aftermath of that. While the anxiety hasn't kicked in and neither has the doomer spirals, I don't really know what I'm doing with my life after college and how to manage both my friendships and my family relationships going forward...... I really need to figure that out huh lol? It also might be the by product of working through the little hiearchy of needs. I got most of the relationship / self esteem stuff covered but as far as meaningful work... yeah I have a ways to go. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
45 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Finally Getting Over Myself 

Exactly how I feel right now :D . Thank you. Sometimes I just want to say screw men as well but I know I've just got to learn to deal with my own issues better. I'm starting therapy again next week.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Spiral Check April 2022

So I decided to revist where I might be on the spiral since it's been a minute, I don't have much inspiration to write but I want to write anyway, and because why tf not. I took the things that I still had left over since I have last written about the topic and deleted the excess stuff that I feel doesn't resonate with me anymore for the sake of clarity and conciseness. I will say, I have my doubts on how much I have progressed, not as an individual since I do feel like I have grown considerably in the last 6 months or so, but in terms of SD. I suppose a lot of it has to do with both me taking a step back from spirituality as well as me not actively using SD as a model, therefore I'm taking a more passive *let me just ease into the stages naturally* approach rather than a more active place where I look at how I need to grow according to spiral dynamics and having that map out my growth. Tbh, I have had other things on my plate that I don't think that SD cleanly aligns with. And that's okay.

On 9/26/2021 at 1:11 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Limitations/ Excesses of the Stages  (Green and Yellow)  

Green 

Naïve pacifism. Sometimes green loves peace and love so much they can't accept the harshness of the world (1:26:54)

September 2021: I'm not a complete softy but I do find myself numb, apathetic, and pessimistic at times. I'm at a place where I'm exhausting a lot of unhealthy green. 

April 2022: I still do find myself in a numb, apathetic place however I'm not as pessimistic as before. Perhaps it's the pandemic dying down slowly but surely. But it is exhausting to deal with collective trauma and on top of that, my field of study doesn't really help in terms of compassion fatigue. Then again, I can't say that any of this is new. I stopped watching the news back in 2018 because I personally found it exhausting and more of a time waster than something that is adding value in my life. And I know that this numb apathy that causes me to check out is likely more of a response to being bombarded by information rather than me learning how to accept the harshness of the world. 

Can love to talk about spirituality but be unable to embody it (1:37:02)

April 2022: I can't really say that I love  to talk about spirituality. Sure it's a fun topic to discuss but I feel like ever since I was able to step back from it to have a healthier relationship to spirituality, I never dove back into in the same way. That's not to say that I don't see the merit in it rather it more so has to do with me focusing on other areas of my life instead of my inner/spiritual life. But then again, maybe me building the life I want and navigating through different life experiences does align with me embodying what I believe in more than me discussing or learning about spirituality.  

Yellow (1:38:00- 1:45:00) 

Yellow is still stuck in duality. There is no possibility for deep mysticism because yellow is too stuck in the thinking mind.

Yellow is not ready to escape the mind. They aren't ready to do that yet because they are still so fascinated with different models  and concepts. Basically they can be unwilling to transcend models and concepts (1:38:56)

Can get bogged down in complex analysis (1:39:53).

April 2022: I don't find myself being dragged down by complex analysis or being in my head as much. I joke about this with my friends but I feel like lately I'm in my *head empty, no thoughts* era.  I feel like a lot of this notion resonates witht the people in my life who feel like they have waaay too much going on in their heads and just mentally wants to check out for a little bit. I feel like it also relates to the whole bimbo trend that is on TikTok. I wrote about this a while back and even though I'm not extremely drawn to this aesthetic, I feel like I resonate with it emotionally lol: 

On 2/26/2021 at 9:15 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

There is this trend of bimbofication that is on the rise on tiktok. I noticed this trend keep popping up and I found it rather interesting. This video breaks it down pretty well and was pretty insightful. To summarize it's mainly a bunch of women who want to reclaim their femininity and own their more feminine interests without having people bring them down. The  modern bimbo is also characterized as a radical feminist and lefist which I find as an interesting take on the trope. She is there for the girls, the gays, and the theys and she expresses her disdain by capitalism by taking money from rich men. She is also pro sex work and doesn't slut shame other women. Her stupidity is often played out in a satirical sense but there is an emphasis on emotional intelligence over IQ. I think this can best be seen in the himbo trope. A himbo refers to a guy bimbo and is characterized by a guy who has no fucking clue what's happening. He is an idiot but he drinks enough respect women juice to not treat people like trash. He has emotional intelligence  and is a well meaning guy. He is mainly harmless because he is too stupid to play mind games and manipulate people in the first place.

And to me, I would characterize my "head empty, no thoughts* era as one where I stop ruminating about things and just let myself be in the present moment. It's also about me making the conscious decision to not stress or overthink and overanalyze things because at some point, it doesn't produce anymore insights rather it just becomes a marathon of mental gymnastics that leaves you exhausted mentally and emotionally. And at this point, I would say it's fairly easy for me to meditate for a lengthy amount of time and see it something that is purely restful rather than something that I need to work at. If anything, I need those *head empty, no thoughts* part of my day to function as a person lol. 

I don't think I have "transcended the mind." I wouldn't dare say that I have dealt with the issues that come with stage yellow sufficiently enough to be beyond that stage. Part of me wonders if I am actually dealing with this or if this is a response to me being mentally exhausted by the stuff going on in the world and just being a university student who is ready to graduate instead of being surrounded by information 24/7. I will say that being at stage green/yellow through my college years has caused me to take in a lot academically and find a lot of fulfillment in being a student. I feel like if I was at any other shade of the other stages or if I came to college prematurely that it just wouldn't hit in the same way. Another part of me wonders if this is me hitting some type of stage yellow wall that is coinciding well with me transitioning into life after college. I guess only time can tell and that I graduate and go into this next stage of my life to see if this is manifesting in a healthy way or if this is just me dissassociating from information overload.

Because tbh, when I think of emptying my mind and how I sometimes feel when I do it, I feel like this clip from Spongebob and I highly doubt that's highly consicous stage turquoise lol. 

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/VideoExamples/MentalWorld#video-link 

Can invent futuristic solutions that aren't pragmatic. Looks good on paper but can't actualize  (1:40:18). Can't finish something because they have so many ideas and visions (1:40:34) 

September 2021: I need to really commit to a life purpose and address my ADHD. That's a whole thing on it's own that I plan to work through once I get out of this depressing/ self loathing slump. 

April 2022: Again, since I'm in my *head empty, no thoughts* era, I can't really say I'm at a place where I am inventing futuristic solutions. I still feel like I have a lot to learn as far as things like work experience and life experience goes before I can reach the expertise to do something like that. I don't think this has to do with a lack of commitment to my purpose or issues with my ADHD now that I'm no longer in the same depressing/self loathing slump I was at a few months ago. 

 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kardashain Memes I Associate with Sections on this Forum 

So after taking a break from this forum, I feel like I have a clearer mind. I also feel like sometimes we all take this place and our journey to be more conscious a little too seriously at times to where it sometimes gets in the way of relatability. Plus I just like memes lol.   

Self Actualization:

Dead ass, I feel like I started realizing shit in 2016 and I haven't stopped since lol 

 

Meditation, Consciousness, Enlightenment, Spirituality:

 

Life Purpose, Career, Entrepreneurship: 

 

Dating, Relationships, and Sexuality: 

 

Health, Fitness, Nutrition: 

 

Serious Emotional Problems: 

 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just watched this episode and I honestly feel like it made me reflect on all of the bullets I dodged over the last 4ish years and how cautious I actually tend to be. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 27/02/2022 at 11:44 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Another big thing I have been noticing lately as I have been trying to eat intuitively and start seeing food in a more neutral/positive light. I can appreciate the things that might not be considered "clean" or "healthy" by diet standards and still appreciate it for what it is whether it is for the taste, the occasion, or ways that they are actually good for you.

Wow, i'm so glad to see that you're also experiencing this. :) Have you read the book?


one day this will all be memories

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, kag101 said:

Wow, i'm so glad to see that you're also experiencing this. :) Have you read the book?

No I haven't but I have found plenty of sources online as well as the direct experiences of the people I know in my life to guide me through this to where I get the over all premise of the concept. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/4/2021 at 8:03 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm currently feeling this huge wave of irritability wash over me because I'm exhausted and I have no motivation to finish this semester but I still have shit to do.  Honestly, I just want to fight my professors and start biting people. My inner child is just throwing the biggest tantrum right now. 

angry pepe.png

It's that time of the year again


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Beginnings of a More Spontanous soos_mite_ah 

On 12/14/2021 at 7:33 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Experience

I also feel like I missed out on a lot of fun experiences that could have made grow as an individual in a healthy way. I also feel like I need to get somethings out of my system so I can deal with my FOMO and salvage some amount of my college experience in the next year or so before I graduate. I think a lot of my issues with confidence and desirability can be resolved through positive life experiences. Because sometimes, especially when it comes to things like relational trauma, you really need have a handful of positive experiences to off set negative encounters (planning on doing another post specifically on that). 

But also, I'm really tired of being inside my head like this. I feel like I've over stayed my hermit mode phase because of the pandemic and the issues it has caused me. I really just want to go out there and live my life and grow in that way instead of sorting through trauma (don't get me wrong, that's important, I just want to switch gears for a little bit). I also think that this tangentially has to do  with the whole *balance theory vs practice* thing.  I also want to give myself room to fuck around and find out mainly because I tend to be really calculated and risk adverse and I think that some level of spontaneity would be really healthy for me. I also think that this can be a good way to give myself a break and some room to fuck up from all of the work that I've been putting into myself to develop into a well adjusted person. Like... I want at least a couple crazy and fun stories from my early 20s that I can talk about in the future.

I've just been having a really good day month and I thought I'd share it here. 

I've got to go on a couple of little adventures here and there. And I can tell that it's only the beginning. I'm just going to talk about them one by one. 

Bar Hopping/ Getting Kicked out of a bar: 

One of my friends (let's call her N) has been dating this guy for the past 4 months and has a pretty good relationship with him. She has talked to me about him a handful of times and really wanted me and her other friends to meet him. She invited me and a couple other girls and her boyfriend brought along a few of his friends and we all decided to go bar hopping. Her boyfriend's friend (let's call him E) was the main person who was orchestrating all of this. I went to N's house and I's friends met up there as well to get ready. Then we all went to E's apartment and that's where I met N's boyfriend and the rest of the people. We pregamed a little at E's and then hit up a couple of bars that were walking distance from the apartment. A few hours and a few drinks later, we went to our 3rd and final bar. I had a couple of mixed drinks by then. I'm not super into alcohol but I was interested purely from a taste perspective. I had this one lychee drink and some kind of spritzer. Both of them were actually really good. I want to say each drink had 2-3 shots in it but I was pacing myself so nothing crazy happened to me at least. 

We were all dancing and singing like idiots at bar #3. It was over all a good time. E on the other hand had a little too much to drink. There is a place at the bar where you can recommend people to play songs. E put in a recommendation. The alcohol, however, messed with his sense of time and he thought that the bar was closing so he took back the money he put down previously. The security at the bar thought E was stealing money from the performers and basically E got kicked out. The rest of us were freaking out. We went to go check up on E and then we decided to go to a really disgusting 24 hour diner. The place smelled of cigarrette smoke and the food was awful but as someone who was awake at 2 am in the morning, who hasn't eaten anything in 12 hours, and someone who is slightly hung over, I was going to eat anything. I'm pretty sure under normal circumstances this restaurant would be on a scale of 1-10, 1 being god awful, I would put this at a 2. But considering my state, it felt like a 7.  We all ate something and hung around for another hour. I got in the car with N, her friend and her boyfriend. This was N's boyfriend's car and he dropped of N and her friend at N's house (N's friend drove her car to N's house that's why she had to go there) and then dropped me off at my dorm since he lived close by and that was the most convenient way of going about it. 

Concert: 

2 days after that situation, I went to a concert with my roommate. I had no idea who was playing at the time but honestly, I was just down to go out and enjoy myself. This has been my first concert since like 2017 so this was really nice. We went to go see Tessa Violet and Cavetown. Honestly, not really my thing, but I did have fun. It kind of reminded me of the angsty emo music I used to listen to when I was 15/16 or so except this was much more agressively homosexual (I say this in a neutral to positive way). The demographics of this concert was mainly goth gay/ transgender/ nonbinary teens and early 20 somethings. So my roommate fit right in as someone who identifies as asexual and nonbinary. It was really nice to see them so excited, happy, and in their element in a community they really resonate with considering the fact that our university social climate is a place that often alienates the LGBTQ+ and people who are openly progressive. I can't say that I felt the same kind of resonance but I did get this *safe* feeling in the sense I felt like I can be weird and that I'm generally surrounded by a good crowd. 

Then I got sick for 2 weeks with a sinus infection because my body wasn't used to being out and about like this since COVID happened. 

Fountain Hopping: 

There is this tradition that is at my school where graduating seniors need to hop into each and every one of the fountains on campus for good luck. My friend (let's call her M) is about to graduate and basically the two of us made a bucket list of things to do before we graduate. So we both have been putting this off due to other responsibilities and now we have a week or so left to get through everything. One of the things was fountain hopping. We went on a scavenger hunt late at night to look for each of the fountains to jump into. All we knew is that the university had 7-12 fountains. We decided that we need to find at least 7. We ended up finding 9 and jumping into 7. One of the ones was turned off at the hour we did our exploring and the other was inside the recreation center by the pool. After fountain hopping, we went back to our respective dorms, took a quick shower, and then went to go eat burgers just off campus. My roommate ended up joining us and we shared our stories with them. 

Exploring the university's off limits areas:

The Secret Apartment:

So before fountain hopping, I did a quick google search to see how many fountains were in my school. Upon finding that result, I was taken to some other things some people have on their bucket list before graduation, some more adventurous things. We found out that there is a secret apartment in one of the buildings, a way to access the bells in another building, and some weird places in the library that most people tend to not notice. I went with M and she brought along her friend (we're going to call him U). U has experience picking locks (though he didn't bring his kit along because he didn't know what we was coming into and he doesn't go to our school). U generally really likes mischief, practical jokes, and accessing unauthorized and mysterious areas. As a result, M thought it was the perfect idea to bring U along. 

First we went out to search for the secret apartment. I did some research on stories that people tell about it as well as some clues as to where the secret door might be in the building. Basically, the apartment was supposed to be extra housing when the university was first founded. But it never got used. So basically, there is this 100+ year old apartment in the top of a building we frequently have class in. Most students don't know about it. The few who do know about it in legend. A handful make it up there. And those who do typically leave their mark there and enjoy the view from the top where they can see the entire campus. 

We found the secret door but it was unfortunately locked. But that's where the fun begins. We tried to find other ways to get to the secret apartment apart from the traditional ways. We explored the rest of this old ass building. We found this window on one of the top floors near the stairs. U, being over 6 feet tall and having a heightened awareness of doing crazy shit managed to climb to this window and open it. He found foot prints on the ledge of the window, a sign that we weren't the first to attempt something crazy like this. To our suprise, the window was unlocked. It hasn't been openned for a while so as a result, U has some issues with opening it. The window opened up to a balcony near the top of the building. The only way we could access it is by jumping out of that window. U helped me get up there since I'm like a foot shorter than him and was struggling to climb up there myself. M stayed down because she was scared of heights. Once I got there. I held the window up so that U can jump out and take a good look around the balcony. He then came back and kept the window up so I could do the same. The view was absolutely beautiful, especially considering that the sun was setting around the time we made it up there. We didn't get to the secret apartment throught the passage and the stairway that leads there but I did really enjoy climbing up to a window and jumping out of it to enjoy the view. 

After that experience, I thought that it would be fun to venture to the basement of this building. It isn't off limits but I simply never been there. There were a lot of historic things in that area and it just smelled old for a lack of a better way of putting it. There wasn't much to be found there except a few offices but it was a fun place to hangout anyway. We found an antique piano and attempted to play something but failed since none of us are musically talented. There was a little receipt printer among a few old bookshelves in the basement. It had a sign saying to press a button to print something. There were 3 buttons with the labels "short", "med", and "long." M pressed the "med" button and the receipt printer printed out a poem. I pressed the "long" button and got a longer poem. It was by Langston Hughes. This was the poem: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47880/theme-for-english-b . U then pressed the one labeled "short." We then all took our poems as little souveniers and went on our way to the next place on campus.

The Building with the Bells: 

We then tried to go to the building with the bells. We didn't get very far as the entire building was locked. But M and I learned quite a bit from U about campus security and the different kinds of locks you can pick. But we did find a small planatarium near by. It was made in the 1930s and was for the astronomy students. We unfortunatley couldn't break into it. 

The Library: 

Afterwards, we went to the library. We had to sneak U in because it was after hours and during that time only students are allowed in the library. We went to a few areas that were off limits but accessible but there was only so much we could do since parts of the library was card protected and only accessible through certain elevators. U tried to unlock the elevator using a key that the fire department uses (idk how the hell he got his hands on that but that was something he just had on him). But we did find this one mysterious elevator and we were taken to the top floor. M and I did study here before but this elevator took us to a section that was just hidden from view. There was what looked like a maintenance closet next to it. It was unlocked.  The closet had a ladder inside of it. U went up the ladder and found a door. Somehow the man managed to open said door and we found out that it took us to the roof of the library. I went up there with U and M stayed behind to be on the look out. I got to see the rest of campus from up there and I could see the Dallas skyline. U and I stayed there for a bit to take everything in before coming back down.

We then proceeded to go to other areas that were restricted to only staff but we honestly didn't find anything except the electrical center and a few basement fire escapes. But, we did find out about a ghost story and why people generally avoid the 3rd floor. I always throught it was because it's too quiet and because it's kind of dingy. Turns out, back in the 1950s, one of the professors died in the library in his office from a heart attack. Appartently, his ghost haunts the 3rd floor.

That made something make sense. I remember during my freshman year, I went to study on the 3rd floor. All of the computers on the 1st floor were taken, it was mid term season, and my laptop was broken. I then got on the 3rd floor computer to do my work. I was pulling an all nighter and since I was tired of sitting in one place, I decided to walk around the 3rd floor. It was pretty creepy as I was the only person there.... or so I thought. I heard a few weird noises but I didn't think much of it. I then went to go back to work. 30 minutes later, I felt a tap on the shoulder and I jumped up. It was just another student. This guy then asked me a couple questions regarding how long I have been up here and if I had been walking around. I answered both of the questions and told him about me taking a brief stroll to take a break. Apparently he heard me walking around and I scared the shit out of him. He kept talking about how it was haunting hour and how he was terrified of ghosts. I just throught he was exaggerating and was just really scared of ghosts. He didn't tell me the story of the ghost that apparently haunts the 3rd floor but in hindsight, after finding out about this rumor 3.5 years later, it makes sense why he was so terrified. Unfortunately, we didn't encounter any ghosts when we were on the 3rd floor. 

Fountain Hopping Part 2: 

After all of this, U, M, and I decided to go hop in the big fountain that was previously turned off the last time M and I tried to hop into it. We messed around there a little, and took a few pictures. We didn't hang around there much because the fountain was kind of gross. A lot of people were taking graduation pictures and were popping champaign at the fountain. So the fountain smelled like champaign and I guess had some kind of chemical reaction with the water which turned it into this nasty green color. The three of us dipped out feet there for traditions sake and each of us took a cork left over from the champaign popping as a little souvenier. M and I still have one more fountain to hop in to complete out mission but we're saving that on another day when we know we're going to be stressed out from studying for exams so that we have a place to go and relax. 

Tunnels! 

Because my pants got all wet and gross, I went back to my dorm to go change. U and M went with me because that's where our next mission was. There is rumored to be a tunnel that connects my dorm to the dorm next to it. After changing, the three of us went to go look around the building for signs of any tunnels. I had a couple of ideas. One of them just lead to a maintenance closet with unfortunatley nothing interesting inside. There was another really small door which didn't have any keys to open it. We snuck into the neighboring dorm by just pretending we belonged there to see if there were any clues there. We didn't find a similarly placed maintenance closet but we did find another tiny door. This time, the door was open. The three of us opened the door and it was another storage space, but it was really REALLY dingy and you could climb down. U climbed down a couple of feet and saw that there was a little opening that lead to the bottom of the building. There was no way anyone in their right mind would crawl under there but the descriptions of the tunnels check out. We found the tunnel, but unfortunately, there wasn't a way for us to use it. 

Basically, the university has an extensive tunnel system. Much of it is dedicated to things like air conditioning, heating, and water for all of the buildings. But, back in the 1990s, students would use the tunnel to sneak around campus. It is rumored that the tunnel was originally created as a way to travel between buildings and as a bunker for World War II. However, once 9/11 happened, it became a security concern. The administration made it much more inaccessible by using pad locks and ID scanners. They also built a number of new buildings to disrupt the path. Apparently the most accessible tunnels were the ones between my dorm and the one next to it. But other descriptions of the tunnels included how a lot of them were narrow and so low that basically you had to crawl, and even then it was difficult unless you were small enough. It's likely that the tunnel we found was once more accessible but over the years the maintenance blocked it off so that it couldn't be used by pestering students like ourselves since there wasn't anything there and could easily become a liability. But it was fun to find nonetheless. 

Afterwards: 

After jumping out windows, trying to break into buildings, jumping into a fountain, and finding secret tunnels, we all went to get something to eat. We all enjoyed popsicles and hung out for a little bit and then after that, M and I went back to our respective dorms and U left to go back home. I immediately took my clothes off and took a really cold shower since all the places we've been to were really humid. Then I crawled into my bed and I just layed there, thinking about my entire day and just being really content with everything that had happened. Prior to all of this, I was studying with N since I hadn't seen her in a while and we both had a lot of things to finish before exams. We studied all morning and had the opportunity to catch up and then at around 7 pm was when I headed over to go out and about with M and U. My day started off productive and slow (in the best way possible with a friend), had all of this go on, and then ended slow again where I took a shower and took the time to write all of this out. Sure, there were a lot of unfortunate things that came up like how we didn't get the opportunity to go into the secret apartment, go into the tunnels, or go ring the bells, but fucking around like this and finding out new things about the school was really fun. I think I really needed this moment of mischief and spontaniety since I basically spent most of college making good life choices and thinking things through lol. 

And best of all, this is only the beginning. I'm planning on studying abroad in a month or so and I'm looking forward to having more fun stories to share. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My Main Life Goals

So when I got to travel around a bit after my study abroad program, I finally got more space to think about what I actually wanted out of life because I wasn't stressed from school or from family.  I jounaled about this in my private journal offline but I thought I'd just insert it here as well: 

Travel Around

Live in a walkable area with good public transport

Live/Settle in a Different Country (New Zealand)

Create, Maintain, and Build strong friendships

Have a fulfilling romantic relationship(s) and a good sex life

Workout ambitions

Have a kid and raise them well 

Be financially secure and make money to fund all of this (and figure out career ambitions eventually)

 

Workout ambitions (things I want to get into): (Items on the bulletted lists that are bolded are things I'm focussing on now)

  • Strength Training: Build muscle, max out on different machines, intimidate gym bros
  • Ice Skating: A hobby I like
  • Yoga: for meditative purposes and flexibility
  • Pilates: It seems fun
  • Spin: It seems fun 
  • Skiing: A hobby I like
  • Hiking: Seems fun
  • Pole Dancing: That’s impressive lol

Having a kid and raise them well (once I'm like in my 30s or so (in other words not now or the near future))

  • Be financially secure
  • Pick a good partner and have a solid relationship
  • Have hobbies, a support group of friends, and somewhat of a settled down life outside of the U.S.
  • Live a life well lived so you don’t have any regrets
  • Educate yourself on how to raise kids
  • Be educated, open minded, and prepared for anything
  • Work through all of your trauma and break generational curses

Have a fulfilling romantic relationship(s) and a good sex life:

  • Have a starter relationship 
  • Try a polyamorous dynamic
  • Have somewhat of a hoe phase and try out your kinks
  • Settle down with someone you really like 
  • Feel safe exploring your sexuality (*cough* *cough* Roe v. Wade)

Financial Goals:

  • Buy a house or apartment in NZ
  • Fund my travels
  • Support myself with no problems
  • Get independent from my family
  • Have a few additional sources of income other than my main job for security purposes
  • Retirement
  • Emergency Funds
  • Financial stability for my future family
  • Fund my education if I want to pursue more

Other random little things I want to do:

  • Be fluent in Spanish
  • Learn to speak Hindi
  • Go on a few meditation retreats
  • Experiment with psychedelics a couple times
  • Actually read the books from your undergrad education
  • Sky diving
  • Bungee Jumping
  • Write a couple books and keep blogging
  • Get a few tattoos

Travel Ambitions: More details in my personal journal (the one that are clustered are like a package deal as in when I go to Portugal, I'm going to hit up Spain and Morocco as well)

Canada
 

México
 

Cuba
 

Brazil 

Portugal
Spain  
Morocco  

Greece
Turkey 
Cyprus

Maldives (might want to get on that before they sink)   
Sri Lanka  

India (Jaipur Trip)
Nepal 

Pakistan 


Australia 
 

Japan              
South Korea    

Fiji 
 

Bali
 

Thailand 

Next Time You Visit Family:

UAE (abu dhabi + other experiences)
Qatar 

Other things I want to see 
Amsterdam Again
The Northern Lights/ Midnight Sun  

 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Random Little Thoughts
@RendHeaven @Etherial Cat @Raphael @Myioko @modmyth I know yall follow this journal but I still felt like tagging y'all since I haven't been posting much on here. 

Hello there ^ - ^ I haven't been posting much on this site in general much less my journals. I was super consistent in the past but life has just been happening this year. I haven't been forcing myself to journal as I have noticed that this tends to be rather counterproductive rather I have been accepting that I am in a season where I'm focussing on different things in my life and working on them in different ways. 

I have recently made a few posts in the last few days in my journal Self Development To Do List. That journal is a simple reminder of the things I am currently working towards regarding my self development so that I can keep my thoughts organized and so that I can break down larger goals into smaller more actionable items. And my last two posts or so have been me contemplating on how far I have come in my development since the time I started that journal back in March 2021. I've also just been thinking about in general how far I have come since the last year as this is my final semester in college and just a year ago it was my first semester coming back in person due to the pandemic. 

I feel like the main reason why I haven't been journalling all that much this past year is because this year I made it a priority to be less in my head and just go out and experience life tangibly whether it is making plans with friends, studying abroad, travelling, having a part-time internship, or focussing on my internship. Let's just say ya girl has been busy. I have had enough time to take care of myself thankfully and have some space to self reflect. However, I haven't had the most luck on translating that into paper. I don't really feel bad about it as I know what my schedule looks like and how my energy levels and priorities are currently lining up to it. Nevertheless, I am growing a lot as a person and I honestly feel like that frontal lobe is growing stronger and stronger everyday lol. 

And in prioritizing life experience over contemplation for this last year, I would say that I have grown considerably. I would say one aspect of my life that I have grown considerably in is in my relationships both platonically and romantically. I have exercised and really strengthened not only my ability to be vulnerable to people but also being vulnerable in appropriate times in order to ensure I have a healthy dynamic with them. In doing so, I was able to create strong and authentic relationships and I got help with some of the stuff I was dealing with in a very constructive way. I also learned about ways to maintain friendships especially as an adult when things can get busy and you have to be intentional about keeping in touch with people. I have branched out considerably since last year and met a lot of new and really good people. And for the first time, I am in a romantic relationship. This is a huge milestone for me and I think it's still pretty exciting even though I've been dating him for about 5 1/2 months now. I've really been getting to know myself and what kind of partner I am in different contexts. Most importantly of all, I think the ways that I have been handling the relationship with my boyfriend is really indicative of how far I've come as a person and I can really see a lot of my self development work really paying off and manifesting in this connection. Some of those ways include how direct my communication style is, how I'm able to set boundaries and manage my time, how secure my attachment style is, how patient I'm capable of being, and how I am still working on myself outside of this relationship etc. I think a lot of things have been going smoothly despite some obstacles I have come across relating to my schedule, work load, and travels.  

I have some more ideas as to what would be a good career choice for me going forward. I have talked to a few companies and I have been checking in with my friends who have graduated and entered the workforce to see how they were doing and what I could learn from them. I learned about the kinds of work I want to do more of and what I want to do less of. I learned about how important it is for me to actively interact with people in my job and how I can't do tasks that isolate me from others for a long period of time. I learned about how important the pacing of a work culture and job is to me in that it can't be so fast paced to where I'm always burnt out and exhausted and it can't be so slow paced that it's mindnumbingly slow. And finally, I have had time to think about what kinds of benefits are most important for me and the things I need to focus on when searching for employment. Plus, getting some work experience to help out my skinny legend of a resume is always a plus. 

And finally, not to sound cliche, but my study abroad program and the week I spent travelling after that really helped me get more sure of what I wanted in life. I feel like generally I'm always stressed about something. If it's not school, it's home and vice versa. And for once, I was able to get away from both of those things and think clearly. Not to mention getting out of the country was a big reset for me as well as the U.S. has been incredibly chaotic in the last few years. To put it shortly, it helped me think of what life is capable of being and what I want if all of my needs were covered (hence the previous post in this journal). I feel like that is such an important realization for me because for years I have been so focused on advocating for my needs that I never had the chance to ask myself what I wanted. I think it gave me some goals to reach for as well as something to really look forward to in my future which really helped with the numbness I was feeling for the last few years and the doomer spirals I would find myself falling into. 

I still see myself in the season of experiencing life more externally and externally building a strong foundation as of right now rather that being in a season of contemplation and doing inner work in that direction. Meaning, I don't think I will be journalling regularly just quite yet both on here and on my blog The Upward Spiral which I haven't updated in forever. But I will say, writing this all out and journalling after such a long time felt really nice.  

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Reflections From This Year 2022

The word for me that I decided to focus on this year was ~~**experience**~~ I have written in another entry about my thought process behind it and as I amin the last few months of 2022, I thought that I'd reflect on to what extent I have been able to focus on my word and how that has helped me grow.  Current reflections are in blue

On 12/14/2021 at 7:33 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Goals for Next Year: Where to Go From Here 

I decided to split the previous post into two parts since it was getting rather long with all the things that I linked above. 

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I'm torn between choosing desire or experience for the thing that I'm going to center my goals around. So, just to sort out my thoughts, I'm going to make a case for both. 

Desire: 

After reflecting on some of my weaknesses at the moment as well as the common themes in many of my therapy sessions, I have come to the conclusion that I have a hard time thinking I'm enough. I have trouble seeing myself as desirable on a platonic, professional, romantic, and sexual level. I find myself feeling much more secure with myself regarding my sense of desireablity in all of these aspects compared to when I was writing this post. I do still have bad days here and there but I feel like I got enough life experience as evidence to combat these ideas that I have had about myself.  Lately, I have had a messed up eating and sleep schedule so as a result my self deprecating voice that is waaay in the back of my mind has been more toward the forefront. I learned about how important it is to take care of myself physically this year by working on my relationship with food, prioritizing getting enough sleep, and exercising on a regular basis.  I woulds say the food thing was a very big factor and I learned that if I'm not eating enough, that greatly impacts my quality of life. The same goes with getting enough rest in the form of sleep and not overworking myself. Even if I'm living my best life, aligning with my purpose, and doing thing that I would find fun, I will not be able to fully enjoy it if I feel miserable physically or miserable emotionally becasue of physiological reasons. Like, no amount of self awareness in the form of reflection and psychoanalysis will fully take care of being hangry like eating and taking a nap will.  I catchy myself having the following limiting beliefs come up whenever I'm cranky: 

  • No one is going to like you if you are angry, sad or upset. No one wants to be around you because you're depressed and miserable to be around. Why tf would anyone want a romantic or platonic relationship with you? You're neurodivergent and no one is going to want to put up with that other than other crazy people. You're a menace to be around and no fucking wonder you didn't have a solid group of friends in years. No one likes you and you can pick at yourself all you want and improve yourself, but in the end, people are still not going to like you because there is something inherently wrong with you. I think I've really learned to stop seeing my negative emotions as a problem that needs to be solved in order for me to be worthy of relationships and in order for me to be successful. Rather I have been seeing them as a symptom of circumstances and habits that need to be change. Not everything is trauma.  Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from certain individuals, have a good meal, and sleep. 
  • You're waaay too fat and ugly for a relationship. No one is going to love you at your current weight. No one is going to look towards your direction and if they do they probably will approach you as a joke. *proceeds to compare self to every skinny person in the 5 mile radius and starts picking apart looks* Let's be real, no one is going to want to fuck that much less love that. I still have body image issues and I still compare myself. But me being too fat and ugly for a relationship doesn't make sense as someone who is currently in a relationship. Not only that, but I'm pretty sure I weigh more now than when I was first writing this post. And my boyfriend has no problem with it and absolutely loves what I look like much more than I like myself in this dimension. Of course I'm not clinging on to that approval, I still have a lot of work that I need to do on my own. But having that support and reminder can go a long way. 
  • God you're so fucking stupid. You aren't going anywhere in life and you don't have any skills that are of value. What? You did good this semester and you're going to graduate a semester earlier than expected? Well you're doing the bare minimum because the classes you took were your easy classes and you would have to be really fucking stupid to not do well. You were originally supposed to graduate in spring 2022 so the fact that you're going to graduate in the fall is you making up for lost time but just barely. I still I have some anxeity around my ability to get a job after college but I think the internship I got earlier this year has helped me significantly in feeling more secure.  

While my lizard brain is going on a rampage, my prefrontal cortex is just sitting there like: 

gavin meme.jpgbitch what.png

*You're clearly stressed, frustrated, hungry and tired and there's no need to take this out on your self esteem. Also, iced coffee isn't a fucking meal  you chaotic bitch. Go eat a vegetable, hug a stuffed animal, and take a nap in that order. I need you to STFU and talk to a therapist about this instead of ruminating and spiraling* 

But yeah.... that's the voice of my insecurities. I'm very aware on how neurotic and self deprecating all of this sounds. And I genuinely think that these limiting beliefs are really fucking with my life at the moment and stopping me from going after the things and experiences I desire the most. Not only do I need to see my own desirability and inherent sense of worth but I also have a lot of karma that I need to burn through regarding my own desires. In other words I have shit that I want to manifest. 

And speaking of which...... 

Experience

I also feel like I missed out on a lot of fun experiences that could have made grow as an individual in a healthy way. I also feel like I need to get somethings out of my system so I can deal with my FOMO and salvage some amount of my college experience in the next year or so before I graduate. I think I addressed this quite well. Some of these experience but are not limitted to include various senior bucket list activities, studying abroad, going bar hopping a couple times, solo travel, having an after school job, making quality friends that I hang out with regularly, having a boyfriend and the new experiences I've been having with him, going to the state fair, volunteering,  and other various activities on campus. I think a lot of my issues with confidence and desirability can be resolved through positive life experiences. Because sometimes, especially when it comes to things like relational trauma, you really need have a handful of positive experiences to off set negative encounters (planning on doing another post specifically on that). I think I have evaluated this accurately and resolved this really well. 

But also, I'm really tired of being inside my head like this. I feel like I've over stayed my hermit mode phase because of the pandemic and the issues it has caused me. I really just want to go out there and live my life and grow in that way instead of sorting through trauma (don't get me wrong, that's important, I just want to switch gears for a little bit). I also think that this tangentially has to do  with the whole *balance theory vs practice* thing. Again, really accurate assessment.  I also want to give myself room to fuck around and find out mainly because I tend to be really calculated and risk adverse and I think that some level of spontaneity would be really healthy for me. Yes, that spontaneity was really healthy for me but I will say that I can do better when it comes to dealing with my own risk aversion and I have yet to truly get to a healthy place with that. I'm still figuring things out.  I also think that this can be a good way to give myself a break and some room to fuck up from all of the work that I've been putting into myself to develop into a well adjusted person. Like... I want at least a couple crazy and fun stories from my early 20s that I can talk about in the future. And I can say that I have some of those stories now. But it's definitely not the end of it. I have more stories to live and tell. 

And perhaps, now that I'm writing all of this out, I feel like the whole desire and experience thing is really something that goes hand in hand rather something that I need to choose between. 
 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What Does the Next Chapter of My Life Look Like 

I was really thinking about this last night and what I want to prioritize after graduation this December. I feel like during this last chapter in my life from the age of like 18 to now 23 ish, the best way to describe it is that it was the chapter of my frontal lobe really developping. I sorted out much of my childhood trauma, got much better at emotional regulations and understanding where my judgements came from, got educated to where I would say that I have a more complex world view, created and maintained healthy habits from constructive mindsets, and I'm better at creating and maintaining healthy relationships both platonically and romantically among other things. I feel like I have a really good foundation internally so that I can navigate my world more efficiently and build on top of what I have right now.   

I've come to the conclusion that this next chapter of my life will be about rest and exploration.  Here is what those things look like to me: 

Rest: It can be active or passive. I think it's important for me to take care of myself so that I have the peace and stability to be able to figure out what I really want from life. Plus, it helps me show up as my best self 

Active Rest: I like to think of active rest as investing. You begin to invest money when you have a little left over so that you can get more money in return. That's how I see energy in active rest. I engage in active rest not when I'm completely burned out rather it's when I'm tired but I still have some energy to do something. Might as well use that energy towards something that gives me more energy and fulfillment in return that will leave me feeling refreshed. Some of those things include: 

  • Physical Activitity 
  • Maintaining Healthy Relationships and making the time to spend time with people
  • Engaging in Hobbies 
  • Self Education / Exploring My Interests
  • Volunteering 
  • Doing Light Housework 
  • Therapy 

Passive Rest: Passive rest is what I think of as the foundation or the basics. These are things that need to be done on the regular but especially when I'm exhausted in order to take care of myself and avoid burn out. This is how you have energy in the first place  

  • Meditation
  • Solid boundaries when it comes to work/school / taking time off when needed 
    • This also means getting a solid job that pays enough to where I can comfortably manage finances and being in a work environment that is healthy and respects said boundaries. Jobs that burn me out are not in the agenda 
    • This also includes getting out of my chaotic household and eventually cutting off my family. 
  • Having undivided attention when eating a meal 
  • Sleeping 
  • Showering
  • Taking care of routine check ups/ going to the doctor when necessary
  • Lighting Candles
  • Doing My Skincare Routine 
  • Taking myself out for coffee 

I would also say that journalling and therapy is somewhere in the middle of passive and active rest. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Exploration: I think from that solid foundation of rest is where I can really be in touch with what I want and what I want to explore. I feel like my need to explore has to do with simply wanting to live my life and having a variety of interesting experiences that grow me and that are enjoyable much like my most recent travels. I think exploration can be tied to two different things, travel and career related stuff. This is going to be important for me to figure out how I want to eventually settle down and just living life while I have my youth and energy. 

Travel: This includes both travelling for a temporary trip as well as travelling to live in different places. This is something that I find myself getting a lot of growth, joy, and fulfillment from at the moment. And it's obvious that you can get a lot of life experiences and exploration both internally and externally from something like travelling. 

Career related: I don't see myself as being particularly career and finance oriented right now becase of the way that I am prioritizing rest. I feel like it's dificult for me to be driven when I am consistently on the verge of burn out. But I do think it's important for me to get into a stable office job that doesn't stress me out for the next couple years or so so that I would be able to have the time I need to explore my interests and see what is out there both in my industry as well as outside of it and other career paths. I don't want to dedicate myself to a job. I will use that job to get my needs met but that kind of loyalty is what I would give to a career or larger sense of purpose. It's similar to having a fwb vs having a committed long term relationship you see yourself married to. I don't see myself being locked into a career since I'm still exploring hence why I will be prioritizing the above on rest and travel.  

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's really great to read about your progress and I'm happy for you while reading this. ^_^ Also..active and passive rest is such a helpful concept

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have so many thoughts about this and reflections regarding my own reflections but it's going to take me a minute to put it all down becaues of my current schedule. I can't wait to write about this here.

EDIT: I'm going to jot some general thoughts down here so that I will know where to start when I start writing:

Personally I identify as a general socialist in the way that I believe that we need to have things like universal health care, better access to higher education, and a basic standard of living for people. I'm not so well versed on the theory to where I find myself or my positions cleanly aligning with terms like anarcho-socialist, democratic socialist, communist etc. I think that we can either waste out time fighting about ideological nuances or we can start acting from a general set of principals and common interests and then later on get nitpicky after we established some sort of foundation. Let's focus on getting universal health care first and then we can get into the nuances later on rather than nitpicking and dismissing people who can be on our side. 

My general issues with the left even prior to watching this video: 

  • leftist in fighting 
  • getting so deep into theory to where we don't think about implementation or how this could alienate regular people 
  • the classism, racism, and ecofascism that still exists in leftist circles, particularly in circles that looks down on conservatives and sees them as less than human 
  • demonization of business and just in general thinking that everything is super straight forward when it isn't
  • how shaming racists does much more harm than good 
  • how engaging in certain kinds of discourse and dealing with certain kinds of people involves specific training and that because of that, it's important to know how to choose your battles.  
  • knowing that a well educated opinion isn't the same as a professional one because of things like personal experience in the micro aspects of a movement.

There are some other issues that this video talks about particularly on nationalism, ambition/wealth, borders, security/police, and international relations that I feel like a lot of leftists, mainly people who loosely define themselves as such and/or have some what of an educational background around political science is on the same page on. For instance, I know a lot of leftists who believe in the *no one should be poor* brand of socialism rather than the *no one should be rich* brand of socialism. The general socialists that I have encountered were people who are still in support of borders, the military, and protecting security but can still critique it. The ones whom I've encountered that are straight up like *abolish all police, borders, and the military* with no nuance or elaboration are the ones who cling on to very specific labels like anarcho-communitst for example.  

Then finally thier is my personal background as a self identified leftist in Texas and my friend group of other leftists in the state and how I find that we tend to deal with a variety of things related to how to handle conservatives better and how generally we don't have nearly as much infighting amongst each other. I also went to a pretty wealthy conservative university that forced me to know how to deal with a variety of situations without leaving me in an echo chamber. 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Spiral Check October 2022 

I do these once every six months or so and it's about that time since the last time I did this was back in early April. 

On 4/9/2022 at 0:39 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Limitations/ Excesses of the Stages  (Green and Yellow)  

Green 

Naïve pacifism. Sometimes green loves peace and love so much they can't accept the harshness of the world (1:26:54)

September 2021: I'm not a complete softy but I do find myself numb, apathetic, and pessimistic at times. I'm at a place where I'm exhausting a lot of unhealthy green. 

April 2022: I still do find myself in a numb, apathetic place however I'm not as pessimistic as before. Perhaps it's the pandemic dying down slowly but surely. But it is exhausting to deal with collective trauma and on top of that, my field of study doesn't really help in terms of compassion fatigue. Then again, I can't say that any of this is new. I stopped watching the news back in 2018 because I personally found it exhausting and more of a time waster than something that is adding value in my life. And I know that this numb apathy that causes me to check out is likely more of a response to being bombarded by information rather than me learning how to accept the harshness of the world. 

October 2022: I think much of my apathy was from burn out and I do feel much better after travelling around a bit and giving myself a much needed break and distance from my life in the U.S. I think I'm at a point where I'm no longer numb rather I'm good at regulating and feeling my emotions to where I can deal with really heavy topics  and empathize with people but it's not like I'm triggered and freaked out.  I can accept the harshness of the world while understanding that it isn't ok or that life does not need to be this way.  The human rights class I'm taking right now is really putting all of this to the test and it's showing me that I'm in a good place to stomach a lot of difficult things. 

Can love to talk about spirituality but be unable to embody it (1:37:02)

April 2022: I can't really say that I love  to talk about spirituality. Sure it's a fun topic to discuss but I feel like ever since I was able to step back from it to have a healthier relationship to spirituality, I never dove back into in the same way. That's not to say that I don't see the merit in it rather it more so has to do with me focusing on other areas of my life instead of my inner/spiritual life. But then again, maybe me building the life I want and navigating through different life experiences does align with me embodying what I believe in more than me discussing or learning about spirituality.  

October 2022: Still haven't dove back in the same way but compared to where I was back in early 2021, I feel like taking a step back has helped me a lot in terms of embodiment. I feel like experiencing life externally and dealing with those challenges is causing me to grow much more than contemplating and taking a internal approach that I was doing back  then. There was a time and place to go inward and I am reaping those benefits right now, but I'm in a new place in my life and my growth is taking on a new medium. I'm crossing this out because I'm not too attached to spirituality and I'm doing a much better at embodying things since stepping back. 

Yellow (1:38:00- 1:45:00) 

Yellow is still stuck in duality. There is no possibility for deep mysticism because yellow is too stuck in the thinking mind.

Yellow is not ready to escape the mind. They aren't ready to do that yet because they are still so fascinated with different models  and concepts. Basically they can be unwilling to transcend models and concepts (1:38:56)

October 2022: Yeah,... I think I'mma  need shrooms or something for that lol. BUT only under safe conditions after my brain finishes developing

Can get bogged down in complex analysis (1:39:53).

April 2022: I don't find myself being dragged down by complex analysis or being in my head as much. I joke about this with my friends but I feel like lately I'm in my *head empty, no thoughts* era.  I feel like a lot of this notion resonates witht the people in my life who feel like they have waaay too much going on in their heads and just mentally wants to check out for a little bit. I feel like it also relates to the whole bimbo trend that is on TikTok. I wrote about this a while back and even though I'm not extremely drawn to this aesthetic, I feel like I resonate with it emotionally lol: 

On 2/26/2021 at 9:15 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

There is this trend of bimbofication that is on the rise on tiktok. I noticed this trend keep popping up and I found it rather interesting. This video breaks it down pretty well and was pretty insightful. To summarize it's mainly a bunch of women who want to reclaim their femininity and own their more feminine interests without having people bring them down. The  modern bimbo is also characterized as a radical feminist and lefist which I find as an interesting take on the trope. She is there for the girls, the gays, and the theys and she expresses her disdain by capitalism by taking money from rich men. She is also pro sex work and doesn't slut shame other women. Her stupidity is often played out in a satirical sense but there is an emphasis on emotional intelligence over IQ. I think this can best be seen in the himbo trope. A himbo refers to a guy bimbo and is characterized by a guy who has no fucking clue what's happening. He is an idiot but he drinks enough respect women juice to not treat people like trash. He has emotional intelligence  and is a well meaning guy. He is mainly harmless because he is too stupid to play mind games and manipulate people in the first place.

And to me, I would characterize my "head empty, no thoughts* era as one where I stop ruminating about things and just let myself be in the present moment. It's also about me making the conscious decision to not stress or overthink and overanalyze things because at some point, it doesn't produce anymore insights rather it just becomes a marathon of mental gymnastics that leaves you exhausted mentally and emotionally. And at this point, I would say it's fairly easy for me to meditate for a lengthy amount of time and see it something that is purely restful rather than something that I need to work at. If anything, I need those *head empty, no thoughts* part of my day to function as a person lol. 

I don't think I have "transcended the mind." I wouldn't dare say that I have dealt with the issues that come with stage yellow sufficiently enough to be beyond that stage. Part of me wonders if I am actually dealing with this or if this is a response to me being mentally exhausted by the stuff going on in the world and just being a university student who is ready to graduate instead of being surrounded by information 24/7. I will say that being at stage green/yellow through my college years has caused me to take in a lot academically and find a lot of fulfillment in being a student. I feel like if I was at any other shade of the other stages or if I came to college prematurely that it just wouldn't hit in the same way. Another part of me wonders if this is me hitting some type of stage yellow wall that is coinciding well with me transitioning into life after college. I guess only time can tell and that I graduate and go into this next stage of my life to see if this is manifesting in a healthy way or if this is just me dissassociating from information overload.

Because tbh, when I think of emptying my mind and how I sometimes feel when I do it, I feel like this clip from Spongebob and I highly doubt that's highly consicous stage turquoise lol. 

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/VideoExamples/MentalWorld#video-link 

October 2022: I think my "head empty, no thoughts" era has done me a lot of good in terms of not hyperanalyzing things and letting myself be more in the moment while engaging with mainstrem(ish) culture. I will say that this was a by product of the burnout I was experiencing the last time I was writing this. But that doesn't make that era any less valid or healing. However, I do think that I have largely moved passed this "head empty, no thoughts" era to where I can think without hyperanalyzing. And it has made my thinking process much more clear and precise. I also think I'm passed  wanting to keep analyzing and I think I'm ready to move on from university and research life. I have crossed off the above as a result. However, I will say that I can take it one step further when it comes to embracing my spontaneity since I have a tendency to overthink things at times but that's another topic tbh. 

Can invent futuristic solutions that aren't pragmatic. Looks good on paper but can't actualize  (1:40:18). Can't finish something because they have so many ideas and visions (1:40:34) 

September 2021: I need to really commit to a life purpose and address my ADHD. That's a whole thing on it's own that I plan to work through once I get out of this depressing/ self loathing slump. 

April 2022: Again, since I'm in my *head empty, no thoughts* era, I can't really say I'm at a place where I am inventing futuristic solutions. I still feel like I have a lot to learn as far as things like work experience and life experience goes before I can reach the expertise to do something like that. I don't think this has to do with a lack of commitment to my purpose or issues with my ADHD now that I'm no longer in the same depressing/self loathing slump I was at a few months ago. 

October 2022: I honestly need more life experience before I get into this . That 's it. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ego Development Check October 2022: 

On 9/26/2021 at 1:41 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Again, commentary made on 9/26/2021 is in blue. 

Commentary made on 10/24/2022 is in red: 

On 4/30/2021 at 11:53 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

9 Stages of Ego Development: Where Am I Now? 

Where Am I Now in April 2021? 

Achiever: Though this isn't my center of gravity, there are still somethings that resonate and that I need to exhaust. I still need to figure out my career path and become financially independent from my parents  (p. 43).

  • P. 43: "Achievers are more aware of their overall career path and how they got to where they are.
  • October 2022: I still have no clue what I am doing career wise. Love that for me. 

Pluralist: I have worked through much of this phase but I notice myself slipping back here at times when I'm less conscious such as times of stress.

  • P.54: "The 4th person perspective allows individuals to focus on epistemology, that is, to examine how they came to believe what they believe and feel and how one knows and proves things. The transition to the first postconventional stage is a watershed in so far as it is the first time that the vertical move and the questioning of previously unexamined ideas is no longer supported by society and its chief conventional representatives. Postconventional thinking and questioning assumptions may be taught and encouraged in college courses, but then challenged and or dismissed at work and at home." (I need to look into epistemology when I go back to delving into deeper topics)
    • September 2021; Not really ready to delve into epistemology just yet but I will get there. Haven't forgotten about it lol 
    • October 2022: Re-examined this and I think I'm honestly in a good place as far as having that habit of looking over how I know things and where my info comes from. 
  •  
  • P. 58: "Depression at this level has several facets: a) The realistic fear of being reabsorbed, that is sucked back into the “rat race” of the Achiever mindset by the demands of society; b) The dread of a routine work life that does rarely allows for individual self-expression and creativity; c) The concern that one will never find a clear self-definition from which to consistently operate and generate a coherent self sense; d) The deep experience of worry and tensions that come from growing beyond the conventional mindset especially when it comes to intimate relationships." 
    • September 2021: I find myself dealing with this much more effectively compared to when I wrote this and hell compared to where I was a few weeks back. But I'm not crossing this out because I honestly feel like my depression and angst is dormant because I'm busy with school and figuring out my life and when I do slow down again, the existential crisis will be back lol. 
    • October 2022: I'm dealing with this much more intensely as I am currently applying to jobs. But I wouldn't say it's depression rather it is concern and at times anxiety. 

Strategist: This is my center of gravity as I'm writing this. Everything in this section of the paper resonates with me at this moment.  September 2021: Still my center of gravity.

Construct Aware: This is where my higher self is at. Even though I can cognitively grasp the concepts in this stage, I'm far from being able to articulate it much less embody it emotionally. I need to work on my foundation with more basic forms of self help especially as I'm writing this since I'm currently taking a break from deeper topics because I noticed myself getting burnt out, overwhelmed, and like I don't have the proper foundation to integrate teachings without misunderstanding them and using them in an unhealthy way. 

September 2021: I would say that my center of gravity is at the strategist and construct aware stages. The construct aware part still needs a lot of work as far as embodiment goes but I have emotionally integrated much of it compared to when I first wrote this post. There is a few things here and there I don't quite find myself resonating with just yet like feeling comfortable with chaos and wanting to delve into existential topics but over all I can still cognitively grasp it. I'd still say that like before that the construct aware stage is where my higher self resides but I would say that a lot of it has also come closer to my center of gravity. 

As for unitive... yeah I'm not even getting to that until I get the rest of my life together so that I have a good foundation and so I won't backslide and ruin my progress. 

October 2022: I haven't looked back into these two stages since last year. I just thought that I'd update this post since I haven't in a year but my workload is kind of crazy atm so I'll have to make another part analyzing the strategist and construct aware stages to see what I currently resonate with. 

Closing thoughts: 
September 2021: I have done a good job at dealing with a lot of the remaining hang ups of the pluralist stage. Still need to look into epistemology more and tbh I am finding myself naturally going in that direction especially with a lot of my course work this semester. I also still need to figure out my career path and my life purpose which is well on the way. I think over all, being in the strategist/ construct aware stage is a good place to be given where I'm at in my life and given that I'm not planning on delving into psychedelics or deep existential questions soon sorting out a stable foundation for my life. I just have to do clean up work and check in with myself to deal with any hang ups that might arise every now and then from the lower stages. 

Going forward I need to: 

  • Sort out my career
  • Deal with my unhealthy stage green coping mechanisms/ deal with my depression and existential crisis around these dystopian times 
  • Look into epistemology more 
  • Do the psychological clean up whenever my lizard brain acts up 

October 2022: Still need to sort out my career and the rest of my external life. I think that should sort out my hang ups in the lower stages.  Oh how I'm enjoying my frontal lobe developing

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now