Psychoanalyzing Myself

[soos_mite_ah]

2 hours ago, ZenRising said:

... back before the intenet, ADHD wasn't a thing either.... hmmmm.... I'm pretty sure I had ADD as a child, but as it hadn't been recognised as a 'thing' it was generally referred to as 'being a little bollox' and dealt with accordingly... thankfully diagnostics and treatment seem to have improved a bit since then...

Back then, kids with ADHD were written off as as being a bad kid and often had parents who would try to "discipline" the ADHD out of them. My parent's took that approach and I know of adults with ADHD who had their parents do the same. At the same time, I don't think that ADHD is a new phenomenon. It's been around since ancient times and was even helpful in survival. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Normalization of Drugs in Adult Life 

Finals week is coming up soon and I have a lot of work piled up. Every now and then I catch myself thinking *god I need a drink* or *I think I need a smoke.* I then stand there in confusion because my next thought is *where tf is that coming from, I don't drink or smoke nor do I even like it?* I thought about it a little more and I came to the conclusion that this has to do with the normalization of drugs in adult life. 

I remember when I first got to college (it's safe to say that I go to a party school) that I felt out of place with the drinking culture here. There was a part of me that even felt childish for not engaging because it's almost seen as a rite of passage of sorts. 4 years later and after observing a bunch of people who use partying as a coping mechanism for whatever the fuck is going on in their lives, I don't feel childish for not engaging rather the whole culture behind drugs just seems absurd to me.

And yes, I'm even including caffeine in this. Like, I've had so many people look at me like I'm fucking insane for not drinking coffee on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a drink from Starbucks like once every other week or so and I like chilling in coffeeshops but it's not like I get cravings for it or that I feel like I need it for my energy levels. I know a few people who have caffeine addictions to the point where they get full on withdrawal symptoms and I'm just sitting there like: 

And I think college has made things worse because not only is there is the caffeine, but some people went on to start using ADHD meds when they don't have ADHD to get ahead. Again, I'm just there like....... wtf...

Especially with the coffee thing, it baffles me how often people don't recognize that it's an addiction or a dependence, or hell that caffeine is a drug. Like if this was any other drug in question and you needed a fix first thing in the morning, people would jump to an intervention. 

I feel like alcohol is along the same lines particularly when it comes to going out or winding down. Personally, I don't get it because alcohol tastes bad. But also, I don't really feel relaxed after a couple drinks but then again it probably has more to do with how my body processes alcohol. I don't see anything wrong with alcohol (or in some cases, weed/ cigarettes) but I do find it rather strange that this is something that people associate with relaxation or coping with a long day at work even if they don't have an addiction. And I also think that this is rather concerning as well because alcohol is seen as a valid coping mechanism even though it is a drug and it can easily spiral in alcoholism for some people. 

I do think that the media plays a role in this. I don't think it's always in glamorizing light but it paints this type of thing as something that is quirky and relatable. I did  a whole post a few months ago on wine moms (and I think that post is a more specific version of what I'm talking about in this post) and I thought I'd link it here as well as put in a quote: 

Quote

On the pages of both @mommywinetime and @wine.mom.repeat, the content is only marginally about wine—it’s mostly about the overwhelming demands of trying to feed kids, clothe kids, bathe kids, and answer each of their 10 million daily questions (as well as the relentless pursuit of just five minutes of alone time). Even where wine is invoked, it is as shorthand for relaxation time, for well-deserved breaks after long, hectic days of mothering. That wine plays such a small, surface-level role in some wine-mom humor accounts’ content is perhaps telling: The drinking isn’t the point, necessarily; it’s an excuse to find escape (whether through a glass of wine or not) and connection.

Quote

In the long term, “maybe what wine moms—and moms of other social classes, and non-drinking moms—need isn’t a supersized glass of alcohol, but social support,” Jacobson said. “In the form of affordable child care, paid-family-leave wages, equitable wages, and, of course, an equitable division of labor at home.” Reforms such as these are, of course, not as easily accessible as, say, a chilled rosé, nor do they lend themselves to rallying cries quite as catchy as “Less whine, more wine.”

I do think that there isn't anything wrong with doing things in moderation or safely. As far as my political views go, I'd say that I'm pretty much in favor of decriminalizing drugs because criminalizing drug use doesn't help because it stops people from seeking help, it causes people to get drugs from shady places, and it has unnecessarily harsh sentences, especially for POC. I just personally draw the line on being physically and emotionally dependent on it to get through your day and cope with life.

I think it also makes me think *damn, is adult life that depressing to where you need to numb yourself to a certain extent just to get through?* Is our way of life collectively the way it is now really that unsustainable? Not to be that person but I feel like it comes down to how capitalistic and consumeristic life here is. I find myself observing with some people how they wake up in the morning and drink a shit ton of coffee to get through the day and work long hours and then use alcohol or weed to unwind and temporarily distract themselves from their exhaustion, how much they hate their work, and anything else that may be going on in their personal lives. And then it's a whole cycle. To me, that seems depressing as hell.

I guess there is also a part of me that can empathize with this because even as a nonsmoker and nondrinker, after a long day the thought of  *god I need a drink* or *I think I need a smoke* comes up. There is a place in my soul, albeit small since I don't have that much direct experience, that looks at people who have issues with drugs and I am like *bruh I feel you, I hate it here too.* There is a part of me that gets the whole wanting to cope with substances just at the very least put some issues you're dealing with constantly on pause for a little bit. Like I get it, that type of emotional labor really weighs on you over time and in some cases it's a constant thing. And you want nothing more than to put that weight down for maybe a few minutes or an hour. Maybe if I was working 80 hours a week, had no hobbies that didn't contribute to a resume due to a lack of time, was coping with leaving a narcissistic abusive boyfriend, all while trying to figure out my life and study for the LSATs, I'd probably be vaping like a chimney too when I got anxious. 

I really wish that when it came to things like drug education for kids that they took a more empathetic approach rather than a demonization approach when it came to depicting drug users. Because knowing why people use drugs and providing alternative ways of coping is more effective and people can catch themselves if they know the warning signs of when drug use goes into the unhealthy category. 

Edited November 22, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Cringing at Yourself in Your Formative Years 

So lately I've been really looking at some of my past journal entries (both on here and offline), past interactions on this forum, as well as reflecting on how I've grown as a person in the last 2 years or so. While some feelings of cringe inevitably came up, I started also thinking about the frequency and intensity I feel cringe when I reflect back. I have done this thing before where I look at the last 2 years of growth and I noticed that as the years go on, I look back and cringe less frequently and less intensely. I think a few factors come to mind: 

• Becoming more of a polished version of myself as time goes on
• More integration = less shame 
• The frontal lobe is forming / developmental life stages (not necessarily SD or Cook-Greuter but just people maturing through life in general) 

Becoming the Polished Version of Myself: 

I took some notes on the book Cringeworthy a few months ago and I found some parts of the book and my notes applicable to my post today. 

On 5/11/2021 at 0:56 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Cringeworthy Part 1

P.11: "Cringing happens when you accidentally let an un-scripted, unpolished version of yourself escape." It comes from wanting to conceal aspects of your personality. 

For me, that explains why shadow work can be effective in smoothing out awkwardness because in shadow work, you go from rejecting parts of yourself to integrating them. I think this also applies when I cringe at they typos and the way I wrote past journal entries. It also relates to how I have an issue around wanting to be seen as competent which I have journaled about extensively at this point. 

I think as time goes on I'm becoming a more polished version of myself and as a result I'm not having as many cringe moments. That's not to say that I'm not a work in progress, I most definitely am, but I think my growth falls under an exponential curve in a sense. Like the difference between 14 year old me and 16 year old me felt incredibly cringe inducing back when I was 16. But this doesn't feel as bad as thinking back to my 20 year old self at 22. I wouldn't say that I grew more between 14 and 16 than 20 and 22 (if anything I would say it's the opposite), but I feel like back then simply because I had more things to smooth over, it felt more like an exponential difference. I haven't been cringing at my posts too hard but I do look at some of my posts that felt like a break through back then and it feels like common sense now mainly because I had time to integrate what I learned. 

That said, to be completely honest, there is a part of me that feels like I'm going to look at my posts on here at 25 and have a massive cringe attack. As far as my writing goes, I feel like this is my Lizzy Grant trailer park era. Just to give a background to this reference, Lana Del Rey has a huge amount of unreleased music out there because someone leaked her personal files. Much of the unreleased music was made before she got big or even earlier when she was still in her experimental phase where she was figuring out her style and tone of music. The work is definitely rough around the edges and also is a reflection of how back then she wasn't as put together as she is now (the subject of her music back then was more chaotic and likely reflected the trauma in her life at the time, hence "trailer park era"). Nevertheless, people still like her work and she was rather prolific in this time. However, I'm pretty sure she feels violated and has a huge dose of cringe since this was leaked without her consent and was likely incredibly personal. I'm not saying I'm going to be big in terms of writing but I do see my writing as rather rough, unpolished, personal, and frequent. I'm also pretty sure that I'm going to be at a much more stable place later on when I look back and even though my writing isn't cringe inducing, it might be still cringe for me personally. I don't know, only time will tell. 

 

More Integration = Less Shame 

I feel like since 2020 I have done a lot of work regarding my shadow with perfectionism and competence. And I noticed a drastic reduction on me cringing in my daily life, searching up cringe content, and over all being judgmental towards others. I think letting go of a lot of the issues I have around perfectionism and competence has helped me not hyperfocus on myself and not split myself up into what I am now and who I'm expecting myself to be. Also, I tend to find myself to be more accepting towards past mistakes as well as being more forgiving, and as a result I'm cringing less. 

On 5/15/2021 at 1:15 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Cringeworthy Part 2

P. 125: "Think about what expertise allows you in other disciplines. 'If you're an expert physicist, for instance, you can notice all kinds of small minute details that nobody else can notice.... The same thing is true with yourself. You're an expert about yourself-- you saw yourself yesterday; you know what you look like when you go out to a party versus when you just get up in the morning out of bed; you know so much about yourself. You can judge yourself like an expert does.'" 

Basically, you're hyper aware about everything you do and therefore hyper critical of yourself because you're an expert on "you." Other people don't know, care, or notice nearly as much. 

P. 126: "But here is more good news for the overly self-conscious. Even when people do see your screw ups, they aren't judging you as harshly as you think." 

I feel like there are some cliché parts in this book but I don't think the cliché is necessarily a bad thing since there are some over said words that we could repeat more to grow and ease up the anxiety we have in certain situations.  This is one of those clichés. 

P.171: "Humility isn't about seeing yourself in a negative light rather "humility allows you to 'occupy a rightful space, neither too much or too little.' Humility is knowing your place." 

P.172: "Humility allows you to see yourself as a part of interconnected whole. You matter because of the way you actions impact everyone else." 

 

The Frontal Lobe Forming / Developmental Stages 

First of all, your frontal lobe usually finishes forming at around 25 and your formative years are often described as the time when you grow and mature a lot between about 15-25. 

This is similar to the first point I talked about. I would expand on it by also discussing age gaps in relationships. I know I've said this a lot in other threads but just in general, the age gap on paper isn't what matter so much as the life stages of the individuals. An 18 year old dating a 22 year old is hella weird but someone at 28 dating a 32 year old isn't. That's because there is so much growing up you do between 18 and 22 through your life experiences and your frontal lobe developing. You move through more developmental changes and your life circumstances change a lot during that time. At 18, you're in high school, living with your parents, and you're applying to colleges. At 22, it's likely that you're about to graduate college and you're thinking about your future career and you're living more independently or you might be living away from home.

 However, by the time you're 28/32, it doesn't have as much of a power imbalance because both parties are settled into their lives and are fully formed adults. I feel like the cringe response I get when I think of my past self is kind of like observing the power imbalance between my present self and past self. I also have a litmus test when it comes to dating where if say for example I'm looking to date someone 5 years older than me, I would ask myself *would 22 year old me want to date 17 year old me without it being awkward and cringy?* And if the answer is *yes that would be awkward and cringy* I know that power imbalance for that relationship would be too much and that it wouldn't be healthy to pursue.  

While I mentioned in the first point on how I feel like I'm going to cringe at myself at 25 or so real hard, I also feel that reflecting on the growing I do after my frontal lobe is formed (say being 28 and thinking back to my 26 year old self) is going to be minimally cringe inducing compared to when I'm smack in the middle of my formative years (say being 20 and thinking about your 18 year old self). 

[soos_mite_ah]

Really liked this video. It's something that resonates with me now and that I can see resonating with me more in the future. 

[soos_mite_ah]

My View of Long Term Goals 

I wrote this in my post about why I am drawn to astrology and tarot and how that relates to my self development journey as well as my growing impatience with long term goals: 

On 11/18/2021 at 0:13 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm currently in a place in my self help journey where I'm growing impatient. While I have been doing a good job at sticking to long term goals, for one reason or another (usually from things outside of my control), I haven't been getting my tangible rewards. That's not to say that I'm not growing as a person, I most definitely am, much more than what I anticipated if anything. But the fruits of self development aren't always things you can take a picture of and brag about with your friends like you would with say getting to your ideal body, being accepted into you dream school or program, building a fulfilling career, or finding a person or groups of people you really resonate with. I remember being incredibly depressed at 16 and committing to myself to spend the following year getting my life together. That meant dealing with my anxiety, depression, and ADHD, being on track to going to the school of my choice, maintaining my solid group of friends, and healing from the trauma my family caused me. I thought I could get all of this done within a year or two but here I am five years later. I have covered a lot of ground and I have gone further than I could have imagined, but I didn't anticipate the journey to be this long. And I don't  know how much longer until I do get to that destination. I feel like that kid who is on a road trip whining to their parents "are we there yet??" even though they know damn well they aren't anywhere near. 

I feel like the delays I have come across with reaching my goals has resulted in me not being phased by taking 3+ years in achieving a goal. I would also add the delays with my college experience and how the environment has made it feel like it dragged on even longer has also contributed to this as well. I think me actively and consistently working towards long term goals have made them seem much less intimidating and there is a part of me that is ok with delayed gratification (granted that they are simply delayed and I know they are coming rather than they are delayed for an unnecessary amount of time).

I would also say that as someone who is probably going to graduate college in the next year or so, that there is an appeal of having the next 4-10 years of your life mapped out. I wrote about this in another post in this journal not too long ago: 

On 10/31/2021 at 3:41 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

There is this part of me that pops up every now and then where I'm just like *why couldn't I just want to be a doctor, a lawyer, or a professor like a lot of my peers, because you know, 8 years of med school doesn't sound so bad. I just had to be a fucking free spirit didn't I* Because if you're in med school or a doctoral program for 8 years, you know what you're doing with your life during that time. But if you decide to start your career and switch jobs and positions every now and then to figure out what you're going to do, that's going to be a messier, more existential crisis inducing process. And as much as I want to know what exactly I'm doing with my life for the next few years and not switch things up, I know that isn't the best option for me and what I want to do with my life. 

And I guess I'm writing about this because I find this shift to be really interesting. I remember not to long ago when I was 18 or so (or just in general in high school) that I would look at people who are doing grad school or just in school for a long period of time and thinking *how tf do you just stick to that and why??? Like don't you want to start your life and just get school over with????* I remember feeling so much resistance to this idea because in my mind it seemed so grueling but now the dynamic flipped to where this almost feels like the path of least resistance.  While I do think that viewing this as the path of least resistance can come from a place of dysfunction where you don't want to deal with uncertainty in your life and want to follow a predetermined path of sorts, I think it's also coming from a healthy place where I'm more comfortable with setting long term goals for myself and following through because I see the benefits of long term goals. I can more easily recognize the importance of how quality long term goals can help you develop a sturdy foundation and structure in your life, how it can guide your values and decision making, how it can give you a sense of meaning, as well as how consistently working on something in a constructive way can give tangible results. 

I also don't want this post to be me shitting on my past self either. Because it makes sense as to why she would think this way. Asking my 16 year old self to envision working towards a goal like med school for 8 years or imagining my 24 year old self is the equivalent of asking me right now what I'm going to be doing with my life in my mid 30's. It's like half a life time away. I also feel like developmental power dynamics also play a role in this where the distance between 16 and 24 seem much greater than say 21 and 28 even though with the later gap, that's still a significant difference. Like me thinking about my late 20s doesn't seem as scary or unthinkable so long as I don't factor in things like kids and marriage into the picture (which I have decided since a long ass time ago that I wasn't going to worry about until I'm in my 30s). And I think it's easier for me to not factor in those things when I think about my late 20s because we're currently living in a time where the average age of getting married and having kids have gone up within a generation. Instead, I'm trying to think of other long term goals and the idea of starting something now, being consistent at it, and ending up with something pretty damn impressive in 6-10 ish years doesn't seem all that outlandish or intimidating. 

So basically, I think this mindset is a product of holding long term goals, growing up and having my perception of time change, dealing with a lot of delays in my life and learning to deal with it, and a result of where I'm currently at with my life. 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 11/24/2021 at 0:57 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Cringing at Yourself in Your Formative Years 

So lately I've been really looking at some of my past journal entries (both on here and offline), past interactions on this forum, as well as reflecting on how I've grown as a person in the last 2 years or so. While some feelings of cringe inevitably came up, I started also thinking about the frequency and intensity I feel cringe when I reflect back. I have done this thing before where I look at the last 2 years of growth and I noticed that as the years go on, I look back and cringe less frequently and less intensely.

Ok so I went even further back to my writing from when I was about 16-19. And I will say that there was some cringe for the most part I was pleasantly surprised. 

The Bad: 

When it comes to the cringe, I would say a lot of it came from a place of inauthenticity. There were things that I wrote during that time period that was clearly just me trying to be deep and trying to twist my words in a way that would be more desirable and artistic instead of settling for my natural voice in writing. There was also this one thing that I wrote which was a conversation me and this guy. He was an acquaintance of mine and we were talking about our views on love and relationships. At that time I thought this conversation was super deep and insightful so I wrote this down.......

We were both some pretentious mf......... Absolutely insufferable  

Also to add to burn, in retrospect, while at the time it felt like a nuanced conversation, it didn't stand the test of time. This guy's point of view of relationships, though it sounded reasonable (a little cringe and cliche but still reasonable), didn't pan out that way and he has since went off the rails. Sure, my end of the conversation wasn't exactly a nuanced take and was short sided, but I didn't end up with a dumpster fire of a life by sticking to my instincts. 

The other cringe aspect that jumped out to me was what I generally found funny/entertaining. Maybe cringe isn't the right word but it was clear that I was a child when I wrote this stuff. A mature child sure, but a child nonetheless.  

The Good: 

Which brings me to why I was pleasantly surprised. I went into looking at my writing searching for things that were incredibly angsty and short sided. But instead, I found things that were pretty well thought out and actually made sense. Sure, some of my insights were a little half baked looking back, but that more so had to do with the lack of life experience I had at the time rather than a deficiency of critical thinking. Based on what I remember at the time I was writing those entries, I was writing a lot from contemplation and ideas I had throughout the day rather than things rooted in my experiences and the things that I have studied in school or independently. 

I was shocked as far as my quality of writing goes. The writing I did back then I would say required more effort for the same quality. For instance, me writing 3-4 pages for a personal entry would have taken me forever.  Now, it takes me maybe an hour tops. I think it also goes to show how easily I connect to my emotions and how aware I am of my thoughts. I think back then, taking effort and time into account, I would essentially have to dig through more thoughts to bring up to the surface for an entry than I do now. Back then, these thoughts, feelings, and insights were much further below the surface and took longer to retrieve and express. I believe now it's easier because of the amount of contemplation and therapy I have done to heighten my self awareness. 

I was also much more succinct in my writing. I think a lot of it does have to do with again, not having as much to say because I have not digged inside my psyche as much. I would say that my writing now is much longer but is more detailed and is more thorough when I do cover a topic of my choice. I would say that it's clear that I come from a more informed place, both in terms of education and life experience. (also, I'm aware that me talking about *life experience* is still rather limited now but mind you there is normally a big jump between 16 and 22 as there should be).

Finally, as far as angst goes, I wasn't really angsty back then. I was dealing with a lot with little resources and I had very valid problems that I had to work through (and that I did work through in time). I feel like this further reinforces the idea that I have on how it's important to treat children and teenagers like rational beings instead of invalidating their emotions and experiences either by saying that their issues are trivial and they are too young to understand, or to write off clear warning signs of mental health issues as being hormonal and crazy.  

The Weird: 

Because I have maintained a similar voice, style, and quality to my writing, there is a part of me that feels frozen in time in the way that a lot of things didn't fundamentally change rather they simply changed theoretically if that makes sense. I think this also mirrors my perception of my body image to a certain extent where I haven't changed much physically since I was 16. I feel like the main things that changed appearance wise for me between 16 and 22 is how I dress and do my hair. If you take that factor out and made me look at pictures from back then and now, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. I know people who look back at old pictures from 7 ish years ago and it's like *aww I was such a cute kid and I was so squishy looking.* And honestly, I can't relate. I guess part of me understands why I used to get confused for someone older as a kid.  

Looking back at my old writing feels like the same phenomenon on a different medium. My writing very clearly feels like something I wrote as a kid because I knew the context for it but at the same time it presents the same as my writing right now. I guess the way that my writing feels parallels with how I used to dress back then while the way that my writing presents parallels with how I have nevertheless have looked the same all these years. 

 

 

Overall, whether I'm focusing on the bad, the good, or the weird, I find it satisfying to look back at my old writing to see exactly how my understanding of the world and myself has evolved. It feels like I'm watching the gradual progression of my frontal lobe forming. And I love that for me. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Sad White Girl Trope 

Oh lord I'm falling down a rabbit hole of connecting with a past version of myself aren't I? 

After looking through my old journal posts, I decided it was going to be a good idea to go through my tumblr blog from 2016-2017. Apart from the memes and feminist posts that I re-blogged because I was feeling angry and upset about Trump coming into office, I came across a bunch of quotes that I thought was the most insightful thing in the world when I was 16 (not to say that these things aren't insightful or that there is anything wrong with their content, it's just that I'm not absolutely mesmerized by it as I used to be). I then decided that I should log onto my tumblr and find the different accounts I was following that gave me inspiration for my writings and contemplations. I'll just note down a couple of examples so y'all get the picture of the types of things I was gravitating towards at the time. 

Quote

"If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company." 

Jean-Paul Sartre
(via fyp-philosophy)

https://fyp-philosophy.tumblr.com/ 

Quote

“The fact is that five years ago I was, as near as possible, a different person to what I am tonight. I, as I am now, didn’t exist at all. Will the same thing happen in the next five years? I hope so.”

— Siegfried Sassoon

(via existential-patient-1317)

https://existential-patient-1317.tumblr.com/

Quote

Absurdism is indeed different from existentialism, though the difference is subtle. I’ve written on this before, and I’ve even posted a nifty little graph comparing various forms of existentialism.

But, in short, the difference between existentialism and absurdism comes in their solution to finding meaning in life. They both agree that the universe is inherently meaningless, but existentialism states that we must create our own meaning. The existentialist mantra (at least of the Sartrean variety) is existence precedes essence; we are born, we exist, and then we must choose to craft our own essence, our own purpose.

Absurdism, on the other hand, focuses on the tension between a meaningless universe and our constant striving to find meaning. This tension is what gives rise to the Absurd. Camus argued that we are all immersed in this tension and are thus presented with three alternatives: we can kill ourselves, we can deny the absurdity and take refuge in myths and religion, or we can embrace the absurdity. To embrace the Absurd is to own up to the meaninglessness of it all and move on, to keep living and living well. Camus famously illustrated this using the image of Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a hill for all eternity. Sisyphus could wallow in the futility of his task, or he can accept his fate and make the most of it. ‘Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux.’ Camus said. ‘One must imagine Sisyphus happy.’

There are further differences between the two schools of thought, and many variations within. But both were deeply concerned with how to live and how to confront the millstone of a potentially cold and indifferent cosmos.

https://scientificphilosopher.tumblr.com/

Quote

"if we pay close attention and believe our eyes, we will always notice the cracks in other people’s masks. it’s up to us to decide if we want to see them for who they really are and accept their flaws or if we want to make excuses for them for the rests of our lives."

— cracks / n.j.

https://ninasdrafts.tumblr.com/

I think these kinds of posts were what shaped my concept of insightfulness and good writing in my mind. Given the content I was surrounding myself with, it's not surprising that there was a part of me that wanted to emulate this way of writing because of the ways that it resonated with me, even though this is not a way of writing that is particularly authentic to me personally. 

Then I remembered Savannah Brown and I remembered how she was probably one of the main youtubers in my late teens that really resonated with me and I binged her content.

(also, before going any further I want to give some credit to @modmyth who reminded me of Savannah's content a couple months back and who had a lot of interesting things to say about the whole sad white girl phenomenon)

Her content feels like the embodiment of the side of tumblr that I frequented at and as a result, a side to my personality from some point in the past. It was this side of myself that was tucked away between the hours of 1 am and 4 am back in 2016 that was only captured by my writing at the time and the handful of conversations I would occasionally have with people where we would finally have the courage to be vulnerable because it was crack head hours and we were on a sleep deprivation high.  I would characterize this side of myself as insightful but somewhat fake deep (mainly because of the way I filtered my writing to achieve a certain poetic and flowery sound), melancholic and somewhat self deprecating, pensive and somewhat confused, and overall drowning in an existential crisis while trying to make it somewhat metaphorical and beautiful.

Alternative to what tumblr will have people believe due to lack of representation aesthetically, being angsty isn't a white people thing. While I can't speak for other communities, I can say that being angsty is a pretty common phenomenon with South Asian people due to things like generational trauma. In a nut shell, I feel like a lot of south asian familes who immigrated to the U.S. and either had kids here or brought their children over when they were really young so as a result most of the kids grew up in the U.S. face a very large gap generationally as far as consciousness goes. Basically, you have a lot of the parents who are mainly blue (or blue/orange if you're lucky) and then you have most of the kids who are orange/green or straight up green. And that results in a lot of conflict and difficulty that can be pretty messy to figure out growing up. 

I feel like the relationship that the desi community has to angstiness is very different from your standard sad white girl who is having an existential crisis. White people angst is wrapped in poetry and philosophical thought around existentialism and nihilism (and don't get me started on how Eurocentric a lot of academia and philosophy is). There is this sense of romanticism that also occurs, often unintentionally but sometimes intentionally (dark academia anyone?) and next thing you know you have whole aesthetics built around certain distinct flavors of angst.

With brown people however, I remember there was a chunk of time in my teens where I seldom found serious conversations in the South Asian American community regarding things like generational trauma. Instead, when topics like this would come up, I would often find them in the context of memes. I feel like there is a tendency of us laughing and relating to each other as a way to cope. However, I would say that in the last 4 years or so I have encountered a lot of pages where desi people unpack and discuss the issues in our communities in podcasts or desi people who work in mental health creating posts about how to deal with our specific issues. There is this analytical and sometimes clinical way of going about it. And, that isn't really surprising because a lot of the people having these conversations in a serious light are in their late 20s and older and as a result have little resemblance to say... the 17 year old theater kid who thinks they have the answers to all of life's questions because they read Hegel. The only example I could think of where a brown person has made their pain into something poetic is Rupi Kaur. And it wasn't that long until people started making memes from her content either (most of these weren't malicious or racially motivated rather they were pretty lighthearted and actually funny in some cases).

 

The other thing that doesn't make sense to me when it comes to white angst is the whole concept of the rebel without a cause. Isn't that just acting out because you need help for whatever reason but you aren't getting said help because the adults would rather invalidate your experiences and write off your neurosis to *crazy hormones*? Or more simply put, isn't it just searching for trouble by often doing dumb and reckless things because of unresolved issues?  The angstiest people of color I knew who were outspoken about their emotions and felt the need to rebel had a cause, multiple causes even. I don't understand how some people can be a rebel without a cause when there is so much out there that needs to be fought for. 

I suppose that when there is so much to be fought for that you don't have the time or energy to beautifully poetic, and delicately vulnerable in your pain. I think the most blatant example of this is the strong black woman trope. And when it comes to poor and marginalized communities, especially when it comes to people of color in developing countries, you don't have the time or luxury to sit down, contemplate, and make something beautiful with how you philosophize your struggle. You're lucky if your voice gets heard at all due to the way we prioritize narratives.  You don't get the trope of the sexy rebel or the bad boy/girl either because people of color are already criminalized and because we simply don't have the same margin of error to act out without a cause. 

Then you have Lana Del Rey, basically the og queen of sad white girls. I did talk about how and why I was drawn to her music despite often not relating to the subject matter she sings about and I think it's relevant to this post as well: 

On 2/27/2021 at 2:53 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

One of the reasons why I find myself drawn to her is summarized by this one tweet I found a long ass time ago on brown twitter which was along the lines of "Lana Del Rey makes me feel like the reckless, rebellious white girl with a trust fund that I never was." I can't really relate to her music which is why I like it strangely enough. It's like I'm embracing this part of myself that I don't get the opportunity to otherwise. 

On 9/27/2021 at 0:34 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

This goes along with letting yourself explore unhealthy fantasizes without acting on them but this dynamic gives me this sense of safety of *hey it's ok to be a little fucked up in the process of getting your life together.* Because I feel like especially as an Asian woman who doesn't have the same margin of error that a rich white woman would, its easy to be critical of yourself and disown the messier parts of yourself (there is also the whole model minority things as well so that doesn't help). I don't have the time, the energy, or the lee way of doing dumb shit like a lot of Lana's characters in her music do. But you know what, that's ok because there are enough bad decisions and terrible circumstances that are talked about in her music that makes up for the both of us lol. 

And speaking of having the time, the energy, and the lee way, there is this part of me that is incredibly straight laced and careful even when I'm angsty and done with life. I have so much generational trauma that I would rather sit down and really think through my actions before making a move than accidentally do something stupid which would result in more trauma for me to clean up later. I already have the problems my ancestors passed on, I don't need to go out and search for any more problems either by doing something reckless or mindfucking myself into oblivion by trying to decipher the unintelligible words of some old white man who had way too much time on his hands a 150+ years ago. It reminds me of this quote from Contrapoints: 

Edited December 1, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

This video was strangely comforting.

I would link a shorter video of Natalie saying "nothing matters" but I couldn't mind one. But then again this feels like one of those meditation music sounds  you can find on youtube that's like 3 hours long. 

[soos_mite_ah]

9 hours ago, modmyth said:

I didn't grow up with tumblr culture (?? though it often seemed like it was made up of a bunch of different tight subcultures or groups of people with shared interests), so the few times I found myself looking at it, it was like peering into the void... I remember the pro-ana people who I'm pretty sure were mostly minors, but I would have found it scary and concerning regardless. Unfortunately that's the first thing I think of when I think of tumblr.

I can't say that I felt like I ever really understood it deeply though.

I mean pretty much. Honestly, I wasn't on tumblr a lot either. I'd mainly log on when I was either angry about current events or having some kind of existential crisis. I'm somewhat familiar with different sides of tumblr though. Those would include:

• fandom tumblr which consisted of people talking about their favorite books, shows, manga/anime, actors, music etc.
• SJW tumblr
• gay tumblr which I never got into but I hear a lot about especially from people who were in conservative areas growing up and didn't feel comfortable being out but nevertheless wanted an outlet and community for their identity
• porn tumblr (wasn't on here, just stumbled upon it accidentally a couple times) which consisted of a concerning number of minors talking about ddlg kinks (I mean, you're allowed to like what you like but there is something that is uncomfortable about a 15 year old talking about their kinks into detail. Also, if I'm not mistaken, a lot of explicit things were wiped clean from tumblr in the last couple years)
• mental illness tumblr where a lot of people would talk about creating more awareness around mental health as well as sharing experiences but there was a segment who would also romanticize things and make it into an aesthetic which was pretty messed up 
• Aesthetic tumblr (basically the origins of things like cottagecore and dark academia but also the main place where you would get inspiration for pastel goth outfits)

9 hours ago, modmyth said:

Any specific people of note out of the top of your head?

I very recently learned about Healthygamergg who apparently is a professional psychiatrist (I don't know his actual name though, haha), but I'm not sure if he talks about this specific issue though...

I remember growing up I would watch Lily Singh's content back in her iisuperwomanii. She an a lot of brown creators would make a bunch of skits poking fun at some of the strict and dysfunctional parenting trends that are in the community in a way that was relatable. I remember using that content to try to see my situation in a more lighthearted way so I won't become too depressed. But at the same time, there are quite a few instances where I would try to google how to deal with my issues only to at most find a couple of blog posts. 

Things are changing though. I know a lot of people on tiktok who really talk about their observations and analysis of different issues as well as unpacking their own experiences. There are a lot of instagram accounts as well, one of the large ones being browngirltherapy  and sahajkholi (she's more active on twitter though based on the fact that I keep seeing screenshots of her tweets on instagram). Also, just in general, I have been observing more brown people go into mental health related fields as well. 

I discovered Healthygamergg's content a couple months ago. I know he touches on a few issues in the south asian community when his experiences come up in his streams. But I don't think I encountered any videos specifically about this though.   

10 hours ago, modmyth said:

I'm pretty sure that this phenomenon as cultural trope actually originated from Hollywood! (Not that it didn't happen before exactly: cultural youth restlessness is not some new thing, but I think "Bored in Suburbia" was in some ways. But I don't think it was trope before. This movie also came out in the mid 50s, for whatever that's worth. I tend to think of the 50s as the decade of glorifying suburbia nonironically.)

I think it would be valuable and interesting for me to look into the origins of this trope more tbh. For some reason it feels like it's everywhere in the teen drama/ coming of age type media. I also really enjoyed reading about what you wrote on Lady Bird as well. 

[soos_mite_ah]

20 hours ago, modmyth said:

I didn't know that this was the origin of this particular approach to fashion/ aesthetics, actually, but I can't say that I'm that surprised. I had been wondering for a while, for instance, where this sort of pan-alt girl aesthetic came from within the last 10ish+ years or so. Before then (though I feel like you might be already aware of this), alt fashion looks were very separated by what type of music you listened to, or at least: it was supposed to be. Like emo, metal, punk (or pop punk seperately) was pretty distinct and people either did not mix the styles or were way more self-conscious about it, and "pastel goth" wasn't a thing. Pan-alt (I just made up this term now ) seems to be openly influenced by everything: grunge, goth, punk, metal, and then the Japanese influences (kawaii/ harajuku/ lolita, etc.).

I think saying tumblr is the origins of these aesthetics is a large over simplification especially in the way that cultural factors play a large role as to what people tend to gravitate towards. it's just that whenever I see people make breakdowns of different aesthetics, tumblr somehow always comes into the picture. I guess because of how niche tumblr can be, as a result it has also given a platform to more niche aesthetics. It's often the place (and now that place is tiktok) that people first encounter these aesthetics. 

20 hours ago, modmyth said:

Related to teen dramas/ coming of age/ Asian representation, have you heard of this Netflix show that came out within the last year or so called "Never Have I Ever"? I think it was written by Mindy Kaling and it was (probably?) the first show of its type to get a South Asian lead character. (Also noteworthy is that they changed the name/ background story of the lead male love interest to reflect the actor's actual mixed East Asian background.) The issue of therapy also comes up occasionally in intervals (I won't spoil it in case you happen to be interested in watching it).  ---- Watching teen dramas used to be SUCH a "guilty pleasure" for me, now I just DGAF, like I feel a bit like I'm participating in the sort of teenaged problems that I never got to have for the most part because my issues were "too serious" especially from my mid teens onward, and even though I know that these shows are rarely that realistic. So it's like, relaxing and escapist fare, I guess.

Yes I have. I never actually got around to watching it since I'm not really a Netflix binger but I have heard mixed opinions about it ranging from being excited about getting representation and a character they find relatable to feeling stereotyped an boxed into a certain experience to having mixed feelings because somethings resonate while other things feel over exaggerated. I think a lot of the mixed opinions likely have to do with the limited number of content like this to where there is more pressure for one show to fit everyone if that makes sense. 

I did go through a phase where I really enjoyed watching coming of age shows I guess because it felt like a more dramatic, interesting, and deeper version of my own boring life in a way. I mostly couldn't relate to the stuff that would typically happen in these shows/ movies because of the way I was stressed about school, getting into college, and family issues and because of the way I had a relatively drama free friend group and a nonexistent romantic life (that's not to mention how white people centered a lot of this genre is).  But I could often relate to the emotions and the messages that were involved in this type of media to a certain extent.

One of my favorites from this genre is Blinded by the Light  which is a movie about a teenage boy in London who is trying to deal with his family and deal with the conservative politics back when Margret Thatcher was in power in the 1980s while using Bruce Springsteen's music to cope.  I remember watching this and actually feeling represented for the first time. I felt like all I had to do is replace Springsteen with Green Day and replace the setting with Texas in 2017 right after Trump became president and you basically had my teenage experience in a nutshell. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Acknowledging that this Semester was Rough for Me

I'm mainly writing this post down as a way of reassuring myself and validating my emotions and experiences since recently I haven't been doing a good job at that. 

I have gotten through this semester in a very slow, consistent, sustainable way. I feel like it's because of this pace that now I just feel tired all the time. I have about a week left in the semester and honestly......I just don't want to do anything. I got a taste of break a week ago during Thanksgiving and that is distracting me from finishing up this semester tbh. I feel like I already utilized most of my energy at this point. I have gotten a lot done emotionally speaking but as usual, emotional labor isn't recognized as much because it is less tangible. I often feel like I can't talk about the stuff I wrote about above and I find myself invalidating this exhaustion I feel. A lot of my friends are taking 18 credit hours, balancing a job/internship, and are involved on campus by joining different clubs or taking on work on campus. By comparison, I'm doing the bare minimum of 12 credit hours. It's like I don't have the right to really complain tbh. But that's if you take all of the emotional labor out of the equation. And while I do empathize and listen to the experiences these people have, I feel like there is only so much I can say about my situation (especially since I'm making new friends and I don't want to trauma dump on them early on) and because there is only so much I can relate to about their stress of having to juggle multiple things at once. 

Again, I know that I'm doing a lot and I'm putting in a lot of effort. But only so much of it manifests externally and is tangible. That doesn't make it less real but it does make it harder to point to and talk about. As a result, I'm often left feeling like I'm not doing enough or that I'm not capable of doing things especially when it comes to academic and professional matters. It makes me feel weak and stupid because here I am getting tired over taking 4 classes this semester but there are people taking 6 and balancing additional responsibilities. 

This semester was difficult because of the way that I had to readjust to the culture of this school and the way they decided to handle the pandemic. It was difficult because this semester is the first semester I have come back since this mess first started and since I had taken time off for my physical and emotional health. I've been dealing with this readjustment and I have been dealing with trying to get back to being a more or less functioning person. I've also been dealing with both the collective trauma but also the trauma of living with my parents for a year an a half while dealing with medical issues. 

Also, while I haven't been taking a heavy course load, I have been taking classes that required a good deal of emotional labor. Sure I'm finishing this semester with straight A's but I did have to deal with the occasional anxiety attacks due to my course work (most of my work this semester was dealing with the chaos of other people and doing presentations constantly).  I've also been reorienting my values and the way that I spend my time. I've been transitioning out of being a hermit and actually putting in effort to make friends. And I have somewhat of a social life now surprisingly. I've been figuring out plans after college and getting things straightened around the hang ups I have around starting my career. And not only that, but I have had to deal with October and everything that month comes with and I have done so proactively.

But yeah... I'm doing a lot and I'm doing it well even if it might not look like it from the outside. 

[soos_mite_ah]

ooooofffffffff mood....

[soos_mite_ah]

I'm currently feeling this huge wave of irritability wash over me because I'm exhausted and I have no motivation to finish this semester but I still have shit to do.  Honestly, I just want to fight my professors and start biting people. My inner child is just throwing the biggest tantrum right now. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Thoughts on Motherhood 

I catch myself thinking about becoming a parent and what that would entail at random times throughout the week for like years now and I wanted to jot down my thoughts not only to get things out of my system but also to make sense of things as well. 

Thought #1: Would I Even Make a Good Parent? 

I have my doubts tbh especially given my history with difficult family dynamics. Sometimes I feel like I'm too traumatized to have a kid and raise them in a way that won't traumatize them (generational trauma is real). I feel like for people who grew up in difficult home environments that some of them  grow up being really aware on all of the things that goes into being a parent and how much things like sorting through your own shit psychologically, having more than enough money to be financially stable, and having your priorities straight plays a role. And it's like... there are so many ways you can fuck up your kid if you didn't figure your life out before having them. There is a part of me that just doesn't understand how people can say that they want X amount of kids when they grow up because there is just so many things to consider practically and emotionally. 

But then again, the fact that I am questioning this, that I'm thinking critically, and that I'm taking into consideration all of the things I would need to sort out before hand is a really good sign. Also, the odds of someone growing up in an abusive home environment and then going on to abuse their kids in the same way is pretty slim  (most people who have been abused don't grow up to be abusers while most abusers do have histories of abuse growing up). On top of that, it isn't like I'm about to have a kid now. If I do decide to have any, I'll probably be in my mid 30s tbh so I have roughly 10-15 years to figure things out. And I'm putting in the work by going to therapy and doing what I can to heal from my past and not incur any additional trauma that could fuck up my development. Finally, similar to getting into relationships, you don't have to be at a 100% in order to see yourself as worthy and capable of a relationship. I'm bringing this up because I see the parallels on how I used to have a very perfectionistic attitude towards my platonic and romantic relationships where I essentially felt like I needed to go into hermit mode and work on myself instead of letting myself grow and heal through healthy relationships. Granted that is sometimes necessary but there comes to a point where it isn't sustainable anymore. Similarly with parenthood, I think it's important to be cognizant of your short comings and work with them instead of entirely shutting yourself off from the experience as a whole. 

Thought #2: Kids are Draining 

There have been instances where I have been left in charge of dealing with children between the ages of 4 and 12 for hours on end. While I had no problems with dealing with them, after 3 hours of keeping them occupied constantly, I was done. I feel like that is my limit as far as dealing with children goes. Anything more than that is overwhelming to me. As a result, the idea of being a mom is pretty daunting. The idea of having work and then maintaining the household/ raising the kids seems like a recipe of becoming one of the many adults who are tired constantly and barely have room to breathe. Don't get me wrong, my husband would be sharing the responsibility but even then it's this idea of being on all the time. 

Then again, my priorities and the ways that I would want to spend my energy may shift over time. I'm mainly talking about this from my perspective at the moment as someone who wants to get ahead in their career, have somewhat of a social life where they have close knit friendships, have time to travel and self-actualize, and also have time to rest, relax, and take care of myself. Maybe there will be a point where I feel content with these areas of my life and therefore I won't feel as compelled to pour as much energy and resources there because I already have a solid foundation and it's taking care of itself. And then I would move onto a different phase in my life where I would have more time and energy freed up to have a family on my own and it wouldn't feel like this daunting task because I'll finally be in a place in my life where I feel ready and I genuinely/ wholeheartedly would want to have kids

Thought #3: Loving Your Kids but Hating Motherhood

Similar to the way that kids can be pretty draining, there are a lot of people who genuinely love their kids and who their kids grew up to be but they hated motherhood. On top of this being a huge energy sink, especially for women, a lot of women forget who they were before having kids because they no longer have the time to themselves or hobbies that make them feel fulfilled. Not only that, but often times when a woman becomes a mother, society only sees her as such and then suddenly literally everything in your life becomes about being a mom and people only focus on that one aspect of you. And I feel like if you take the path of least resistance and have things like your marriage and kids take over your life, it's bound to turn into a cesspool of resentment, dysfunction, and inner turmoil unless you carve out time to prioritize yourself and take care of your own needs amidst all of this (even when everyone else sees you as being selfish for doing so). From what I see, there is a very fine balance that you need to take with all aspects of your life because if one thing topples, so does everything else since it all rests on each other and interconnects with one another. 

Bottom line: I'm pretty sure if I had kids I would love them but I can't imagine raising kids being an experience that I would readily say yes to because of the various challenges that are involved.

Thought #4: Birthing the Kid vs Adopting

Pregnancy is some sci fi shit and I'm pretty sure if I was a man that the decision to have kids would be so much easier. I know people who have had seizures, heart attacks, and life long health issues to varying degrees after giving birth. Also, babies kind of freak me out because of the hypervigilance that is involved in taking care of them. Not only that but professionally having to take time off to take care of the kid for a couple years really fucks with your career trajectory and earning potential (not to mention the biases people have at work when it comes to women who have kids) and is one of the factors that creates the whole gender pay gap and glass ceiling. Like especially in the U.S., all of the doctor's visits, the money just to give birth, the lack of maternity and paternity leave makes having a kid really daunting. 

I feel like the easy solution to all of this is adopting. I can just adopt a 5 year old (or older) and have them start going to school and I won't have to ever change a diaper in my life, I won't have to sacrifice my career in the process, I won't have to deal with the horrors of pregnancy, and I'll be giving a better life to a kid who would have had issues with getting adopted (often times kids have much lower chances of getting adopted compared to babies and it's even worse for teenagers). But even though this seems like the most logical possibility, there is this weird thing in my head that's like *you need to have your own kids.* Idk, maybe it's the biological programing 

Thought #5: Unconventional Maternal Energy 

Speaking of biological programming, I know there are a lot of people who look at babies and have their baby fever get activated. To say the least, that just never made sense to me. Sure I look at babies and I think their cute and I want to play with them but the thought of having one of my own in the moment just doesn't cross my head. I feel like I have that lack of maternal instincts and I feel like that could impact the way I parent and potentially even my quality of parenting because I don't have this biological kneejerk reaction to have kids. 

But then again, perhaps I have a different kind of maternal energy. Even thought the thought of having kids is a big **IF**, I often catch myself thinking about long term goals I have and how they relate to me setting the foundation for having a family. For instance, I have been working on my mental health for quite some time now and I have been working on myself in general and even though I am doing this for myself and for my own quality of life, there is this thought that comes to mind where there is a part of me that is doing this for my future husband and kids. If I am well adjusted and create a very solid life for myself internally and externally, I'm more likely to have a healthy and loving relationship with a future partner and then we can raise a functional, healthy, and happy family together.

Not to be cliche but there is a thing in a lot of spiritual/self help circles when discussing generational trauma where when a person heals from that trauma, they heal everyone that comes after them and they pave the way. And I genuinely feel that if I were to have kids, it would be an expression of the fruits of my labor in the past and my long term thinking from when I was like 15. Like when I think of having kids, I don't think of creating a legacy in material terms rather it's more along the lines of passing down a certain level of consciousness to my kids by the way that I raise them and have them go on their own self actualization journey to grow as individuals so that they can go much further than I did. I just think it's crazy considering how my grandparents grew up in a stage red/blue environment during things like Partition and the 1971 liberation war as well as norms such as child marriage and a lack of educational opportunities and agency for women being common place. Both of my grandmothers were married off in their teens with little education. Then you have my parents' generation who is in a significantly better place because they grew up in more stable political times but they have a lot of inner turmoil and problematic beliefs they had to sort through (let's just say they aren't the most functional and well adjusted people). On top of that, even though they grew up in a better place, they still decided to go the extra mile and immigrate to a foreign country for an even better quality of life (I'd say my mom is solidly blue, my dad is mainly at blue/orange, and the environment they moved to was a stable orange/green with little security and financial concerns). Then you have me and I know that I'm emotionally going to be in a significantly different place from my parents because of the privileges I have been granted in a first world country and it's just crazy especially in the South Asian American community regarding the generational differences and healing over time. 

I think as a consequence of seeing the big picture regarding how my future generations will grow up given the foundation I'm laying for myself and the way I see the evolution of consciousness as a very practical thing that I have don't have the typical feminine maternal energy. It isn't something that is rooted in this intuitive urge to have a child rather it is part of the way that my long term goals will manifest itself in the future. Long term goals such as working on myself and healing generational trauma, having a very solid career and life purpose, and creating a healthy network of support platonically and romantically are all big goals that takes years to fully build but it's also so small compared to the goal of having a healthy and happy family. The long term goals I listed are the foundation and are the small pieces of a much larger puzzle in my opinion. And while achieving those long term goals is satisfying in of itself and I won't regret putting in the work even if I eventually decide to not have kids, there is a maternal part of me that gets activated when I look at the larger vision of my goals.  I suppose that I have a very masculine maternal energy and sometimes that doesn't resonate with the feminine maternal energy that is often talked about and represented when discussing maternal energy (nothing wrong with masculine or feminine maternal energy, they are just different and manifest as such). 

Thought #6: The Moving Parts of Being a Good Mother 

Similar to the point above on how different big goals play as small puzzle pieces to motherhood and similar to the point on how there is a lot that goes into parenting, I have observed many moving parts when I see healthy/functional families. I'm going to do my best to concisely summarize my thoughts: 

1. Have a good career and be aligned to your life purpose.
   • Gives you an identity outside of being a mother and an additional outlet for fulfillment. Mitigates societal pressures and lets you have a life outside of the family.  
   • Helps you provide for your family and gives you agency in your marriage so you have an equal partnership with your spouse and if things go south and there is an event of a divorce  you will have something to fall back on. 
   • Models healthy forms of achievement for your kids and gives you valuable life experiences that you can use to teach/raise your kids 
2. Work on yourself internally (therapy, journaling, healing generational trauma cycles, working on attachment styles. reflecting, raising your consciousness etc.)
   • Helps you have better discernment when picking a spouse which is arguably one of the most important decisions you can make in addition to choosing a career path
   • Will make you raise your kids better because you are using parenting techniques that are healthy for the kid rather than projecting your own trauma
   • Will help in creating a strong marriage and will take a preventative approach to marital issues if both people are already whole and actualized people who can communicate, emotionally self regulate, set boundaries, have their own lives etc.
   • A strong and healthy marriage is really the backbone to giving your kids a good childhood imo
   • Also you want to model what a healthy relationship looks like and what a well adjusted person is so that your kids have a good example of what is healthy and good for them, thus saving them a lot of issues when they grow up and are on their own  
   • Finally, you want to check your biases and come from an informed place when presenting different world views so your kids grow up learning how to have good discernment and critical thinking skills 
3. Make sure you take care of your health 
   • Keep up with the kids and any other demands you may be having 
   • Stay around longer to watch them grow up and have lives of their own. 
   • Mentally and physically take care of yourself so you can be the best version of yourself with your kids. Have time for yourself. 
4. Have a good support system of conscious friends and relatives 
   • Helps in socializing the kid  
   • Gives you people to lean on and get help from when things become a little too much or you need a break (having people baby sit, give advice, etc.) 
   • Takes pressure off of your spouse since he isn't the only person you are getting help from and that will further help the marriage 
   • Gives you a life outside of the family so again, you don't grow resentful and like you lost your identity 

All of these are huge and I feel like there are more things that I'm missing but these are my general thoughts and how they interconnect and work with one another. 

Thought #7: The Chaos of the World 

Then again, will any of this matter if climate change takes over and we start having wars over water? Do I want to raise my kids in a late capitalist dystopia where they will likely deal with worse circumstances than what I grew up in. Even if I give my kids a good life, there is only so much I can do as an individual if systemically we're all fucked. While I have detailed how you need a stable life before having kids, to get to that stable life can be an uphill battle. For instance, I have talked about the cost of health care in the U.S. and the lack of things like maternity and paternity leave. However, there is no telling what the world is going to look like in 10-15 years. I can only hope that things will get better or that I will go to a place where things are better. 

Thought #8: The Finality of Having Kids 

There is this finality of having kids that I feel that people don't take seriously enough (similar to how people often times don't see getting married as one of the most significant legal decisions you will ever make). You never stop being a parent. So many other things in life, even the things that look permanent on the surface, aren't permanent in the same way as having kids. Life changing trauma can be healed from. Having career issues can be dealt with. If you have a bad marriage, there are ways you can try to get out of it. If you flunk out of school, you can get back in and improve your grades. If you don't like where you are living, you can move. Of course, each of these things have varying degrees of ease depending on situation and privilege's but there is always something you can do. But having a child.... you can't just undo something like that. It's not like you can yeet the kid out of existence and move on like nothing happened.  Basically, even with planned pregnancies I feel like a lot of people don't think enough about having kids before they have them. One of my fears with having kids is that what if I wake up one day 6 years after having a kid and realize that having kids isn't for me. Tf am I supposed to do then???? 

 

Closing thoughts: 

Ultimately, I don't know if I want to have kids or how many (most likely 1, 2 feels like a stretch). That is a decision for 30 year old  soos_mite_ah who will hopefully have a more stable and secure life by then and would have achieved a lot of the long term goals she has at this point in time. I wouldn't be surprised if I get to the point where I want to have a kid or if I realize that I'll never get there and that it isn't for me. As of right now, I'm kind of neutral on whether I have kids or I don't in the future. The way my life pans out in the next 10-15 years would give me a better idea.  

Edited December 8, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 12/8/2021 at 3:33 AM, modmyth said:

At least in a vague, superficially thematic way, it reminds me of The Buddha of Suburbia (Hanif Kureishi) which I had to read in my first year of uni (I think it was "Globalization in World Literature"), except the story takes place in the 70s and in a London suburb, and the main character is mixed race Anglo-Indian. Apparently a BBC TV series was made of it (which I have never seen) featuring a soundtrack by David Bowie who grew up in the same neighbourhood and was also a fan of the book.

That's interesting, I'll definitely have to check it out. 

On 12/8/2021 at 3:33 AM, modmyth said:

Also, your last piece on your concerns and precautions about having children absolutely the most relatable thing, to the point where it feels like you wrote out a lot of my thoughts for me somehow! Other than just generally agreeing with what you wrote, one added thought: I guess one good thing about adoption is that you have less of a "biological time constraint". You could adopt later and then put your career first, if you are so inclined (and aren't worried about the whole being an "old parent" thing; some people seem to be). You probably would even be able to adopt as a solo parent if you wanted to, though I imagine that a lot of agencies still favour a two parent setup. But still, it's not unheard of. It's something that I've thought about a lot myself, here and there.

I know some people who have the whole aversion to being an older parent thing and honestly, that aversion seems like a lot to bear when you're young because it feels like you're always in a rush to settle down.  I see this much more often with people who have younger parents since that is what is normalized to them. If anything, the idea having a kid young sets off my inner alarm bells. And worst case scenario, you would have to freeze your eggs. As for adoption, I know what I think of it but I find it difficult to discern exactly how I feel about it. Again, might be the whole biology thing idk. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I just want to take a moment to celebrate the fact that I passed my language proficiency test and that I got straight As this semester in school. I will be graduating in Fall 2022 from college now that I don't have to take my foreign language requirement since I tested out of it. This is also the first time in forever that I did get straight As and that things went smoothly since lord knows my life has been a mess lately. I've also managed to make a handful of friends and get a couple leads regarding internships and jobs after college. Things are finally coming together, slowly but surely, and I'm so grateful for that. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Goals for Next Year: Past Reflections 

So I do this cliche thing every year where I pick a word to focus on and center my personal development goals around. 2019 was peace, 2020 was discipline, 2021 has been gentleness, and I'm thinking that 2022 should either be desire or experience from what I have narrowed down. 

Just a little recap since I don't think I wrote about this in any of my journals just yet. My focus for 2019 was peace because I was coming out of a very chaotic phase in 2018. I really dug through some traumatic events in my childhood, started getting help, and I also had a number of things fall through in my planning, most which had to do with college. I was really burnt out by the time 2019 rolled around and I really had to take time to take care of myself and my health situation because my brain decided to check tf out after doing so much work for years straight. Spring 2019 was difficult for that reason and I found myself sleeping for 12 hours a day and only having enough time to spend on keeping myself afloat academically and to talk to a couple friends. I wasn't depressed during this time. I actually was very at peace with myself. The only thing was that I was tired and I needed extra time to take care of myself. During this time I really reflected on what kind of people and situations brought me a sense of peace and fulfillment. I figured that this time of stagnation was necessary because it isn't super sustainable to go from having your life go from a down ward spiral to immediately going back up. Sometimes you need to flat line a little to recuperate, slow down, and figure out where you want to direct your energies.

During Fall 2019, I got a lot of things together academically and started ease into this newfound peace and stability. Much of the burnout was resolved by this time but I still had some left over so I thought I'd take it easy.   This semester went really well especially compared to my freshman year of college. I remember having so much hope when it came to my 20s and who I was growing into because I had this foundation of peace and stability I could stand on. 

I then decided to focus on discipline for 2020. I was in an emotionally stable place and I wanted to see what I could do with this foundation by really focusing my efforts toward a good work ethic and healthy habits. January to March 2020 was the happiest I have been. I was getting high A's in my classes, working out early in the morning, eating healthy, and I felt like I had so much energy that I could put back out there. I really felt like I was becoming that bitch. I was still a little burnt out and I didn't feel entirely comfortable with putting myself out there socially just yet because I felt as if I was still stepping into this new identity and this new stage of my life. I told myself that's what I was going to do after spring break. 

As well all know, spring break never really ended. We all had to move online because of COVID and I had to move back in with my parents. There was a lot going on at this time and I wasn't able to commit to discipline in the healthiest way. I was very harsh and self critical of myself. That combined with other things resulted in me having a full on mental breakdown and called attention to some underlying physical health issues I have been having all this time.  

So for 2021, I shifted my focus to gentleness because that was my biggest emotional need during this time. I needed to be gentle with myself emotionally, physically and mentally.  I have a number of posts documenting my growth in this areas as well as my insights that I had throughout this year regarding this year: 

Also, while my goal to focus on discipline and integrate that into my life fell through in 2020, I found myself really making up for it this years as I focused on gentleness because of the ways that gentleness and discipline goes hand in hand. I have a few posts detailing that here: 

I will say that the slow and gentle approach to my goals has been the most efficient, the most effective, and the most sustainable way I have ever gone about my goals. Like the amount of patience I have built by slowing down and going at a gentle pace and the amount of discipline that I have gained by delaying gratification in the way to make something more solid has been crazy. I have been able to get my diet and my time management together as well as sort through my career and emotional issues in a good pace with minimal backlash. And I genuinely feel like I'm in a healthier and more grounded place because of it instead of feeling burnt out by the work I put in. 

Edited December 15, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Goals for Next Year: Where to Go From Here 

I decided to split the previous post into two parts since it was getting rather long with all the things that I linked above. 

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I'm torn between choosing desire or experience for the thing that I'm going to center my goals around. So, just to sort out my thoughts, I'm going to make a case for both. 

Desire: 

After reflecting on some of my weaknesses at the moment as well as the common themes in many of my therapy sessions, I have come to the conclusion that I have a hard time thinking I'm enough. I have trouble seeing myself as desirable on a platonic, professional, romantic, and sexual level. Lately, I have had a messed up eating and sleep schedule so as a result my self deprecating voice that is waaay in the back of my mind has been more toward the forefront. I catchy myself having the following limiting beliefs come up whenever I'm cranky: 

• No one is going to like you if you are angry, sad or upset. No one wants to be around you because you're depressed and miserable to be around. Why tf would anyone want a romantic or platonic relationship with you? You're neurodivergent and no one is going to want to put up with that other than other crazy people. You're a menace to be around and no fucking wonder you didn't have a solid group of friends in years. No one likes you and you can pick at yourself all you want and improve yourself, but in the end, people are still not going to like you because there is something inherently wrong with you. 
• You're waaay too fat and ugly for a relationship. No one is going to love you at your current weight. No one is going to look towards your direction and if they do they probably will approach you as a joke. *proceeds to compare self to every skinny person in the 5 mile radius and starts picking apart looks* Let's be real, no one is going to want to fuck that much less love that. 
• God you're so fucking stupid. You aren't going anywhere in life and you don't have any skills that are of value. What? You did good this semester and you're going to graduate a semester earlier than expected? Well you're doing the bare minimum because the classes you took were your easy classes and you would have to be really fucking stupid to not do well. You were originally supposed to graduate in spring 2022 so the fact that you're going to graduate in the fall is you making up for lost time but just barely. 

While my lizard brain is going on a rampage, my prefrontal cortex is just sitting there like: 

*You're clearly stressed, frustrated, hungry and tired and there's no need to take this out on your self esteem. Also, iced coffee isn't a fucking meal  you chaotic bitch. Go eat a vegetable, hug a stuffed animal, and take a nap in that order. I need you to STFU and talk to a therapist about this instead of ruminating and spiraling* 

But yeah.... that's the voice of my insecurities. I'm very aware on how neurotic and self deprecating all of this sounds. And I genuinely think that these limiting beliefs are really fucking with my life at the moment and stopping me from going after the things and experiences I desire the most. Not only do I need to see my own desirability and inherent sense of worth but I also have a lot of karma that I need to burn through regarding my own desires. In other words I have shit that I want to manifest. 

And speaking of which...... 

Experience

I also feel like I missed out on a lot of fun experiences that could have made grow as an individual in a healthy way. I also feel like I need to get somethings out of my system so I can deal with my FOMO and salvage some amount of my college experience in the next year or so before I graduate. I think a lot of my issues with confidence and desirability can be resolved through positive life experiences. Because sometimes, especially when it comes to things like relational trauma, you really need have a handful of positive experiences to off set negative encounters (planning on doing another post specifically on that). 

But also, I'm really tired of being inside my head like this. I feel like I've over stayed my hermit mode phase because of the pandemic and the issues it has caused me. I really just want to go out there and live my life and grow in that way instead of sorting through trauma (don't get me wrong, that's important, I just want to switch gears for a little bit). I also think that this tangentially has to do  with the whole *balance theory vs practice* thing.  I also want to give myself room to fuck around and find out mainly because I tend to be really calculated and risk adverse and I think that some level of spontaneity would be really healthy for me. I also think that this can be a good way to give myself a break and some room to fuck up from all of the work that I've been putting into myself to develop into a well adjusted person. Like... I want at least a couple crazy and fun stories from my early 20s that I can talk about in the future.

And perhaps, now that I'm writing all of this out, I feel like the whole desire and experience thing is really something that goes hand in hand rather something that I need to choose between. 
 

[soos_mite_ah]

Parasocial Relationships

First of all, I just wanted to say that I loved this video and I found it to be really insightful. I feel that it expands on a lot of thoughts I wrote about a month ago regarding on how parasocial elements impacts the skill of my writing and the boundaries I set for myself. I love her self awareness of the content she's been releasing recently and how she's trying to be mindful of potential parasocial dynamics. It really shows me as the audience that she's aware of the consequences of the type of content she's releasing and that she is willing to take accountability in the future if anything comes up. I also love the examples she uses regarding this topic from the NYC influencers that are coming up who greatly rely on parasocial relationships to build their platform to the Hoodie Allen situation of him really exploiting his fans which originally started with inappropriate boundaries regarding parasocial dynamics. I want to talk about the whole NYC influencer phenomenon in a different post but the whole Hoodie Allen situation with a bunch of young teenage girls fangirling over him, while I am not familiar with this person, the dynamic reminded me of the whole Magcon era from like 2013-2017. 

I never got into the whole hype around Magcon and a lot of it might be because by the time they were at peak popularity, I already aged out of the age demographic they were targeting. I honestly can't tell you what that even was... I think it was just a group of basic looking white teenage boys with little to no talent who had youtube channels that would appeal to their audience of young preteen girls. I also think Shawn Mendes was in this group but the guy was mainly in the background minding his own business doing his little music thing which is why I think he ended up being the most successful in the group because he was being super cringe and weird. And by cringe and weird I'm talking about how basically the whole thing with magcon was that it was gigantic thirst trap  for young girls to project their fantasies on. While that isn't an uncommon phenomenon when it comes to celebrity culture, I remember this shit being next level cringe because the overall vibe they were going for was pretending to be the audience's virtual boyfriend (granted I don't remember that much and granted that my memories are probably skewed because there was a girl in my high school who was OBSESSED with these guys). I just know that this whole thing started to die down once Jacob Sartorius came into the picture and turned himself and magcon into a meme.  

As for my relationship with parasocial relationship, I would say that it is possible for parasocial relationships to manifest in a healthy way. I feel like to a certain extent there will always be that element with performers and the audience because we tend to gravitate towards things that resonate and speak to us on some level. I know personally I have this tendency to go through all of the content that I consume, reflect on the messages that I'm receiving, and choosing to switch things up a bit. I feel like this has prevented me from falling into this parasocial attachment because I'm switching things around and therefore it's rarely the case where I end up fixated on any one creator for more than a year or so. For example, about a year or so I did a whole series on my previous journal 

And I remember upon reflecting I decided that I was going to give myself a break regarding self help/ spirituality content and focus on other things that I'm interested in. I think taking that step back was really important for my growth as someone who was developing a spiritual ego and as someone who was getting attached to detachment. 

Speaking of gravitating towards different kinds of content given what you resonate with, I noticed that when it comes to parasocial dynamics that I tend to view that person's content as somewhat representative of a specific part of me, a version of myself that I can revisit every now and then. I did talk about this in my post on the whole sad white girl trope and Savannah Brown's content: 

On 11/30/2021 at 10:48 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Her content feels like the embodiment of the side of tumblr that I frequented at and as a result, a side to my personality from some point in the past. It was this side of myself that was tucked away between the hours of 1 am and 4 am back in 2016 that was only captured by my writing at the time and the handful of conversations I would occasionally have with people where we would finally have the courage to be vulnerable because it was crack head hours and we were on a sleep deprivation high. 

I also remember seeing a TikTok a while back on how as people age they tend to not engage in fandoms in the way they used to when they were in their preteen and teen years. A lot of the comments on that video was from people in their early teens talking about how that sounds really sad and how you don't feel that certain amount of and the same kind of joy and attachment to your favorite books and tv shows as you grow up has to do with some kind of cynicism you develop in adult as you lose your lust for life. The original creator replied to these comments with another video where she expanded on how this isn't due to losing your sense of joy as you get older rather it's more so due to things like greater media literacy, awareness of parasocial dynamics, and more life experiences. As a result, you tend to bond with other people over shared life experiences and world views rather than simply deciding to be best friends because you like the same band. But when you're like 13, you don't have as many of those life experiences to go on and you're still building on your world view so basically you're simply working with what you have. And that is perfectly fine. Exploring your interests, defining yourself along side those interests, and seeking people out accordingly is perfectly normal and necessary at that age. Like it's normal and perfectly fine for all of the emo kids to hang out with each other just because they all like My Chemical Romance lol. 

But yeah, I found this take to be particularly interesting because of the way that it ties into my life and experiences with friendship. I feel like that can be another post of it's own tbh. 

As for how this relates to my parasocial relationships, I have found that lately (as in the past couple years or so) I tend to gravitate towards content where people are talking about their life experiences, whether it's in a very short segment on one of those reddit compilation videos or something longer where people talk about the ways whey are growing and evolving in life due to different life transitions. Not only does it give me something to relate to, but it's almost as if it further expands on the things that I have already experienced (or probably going to experience) and fleshes it out more through another person's lens. I especially find myself relating to Katherout's content in this kind of way. I remember finding her videos on her transition to leftism and the whole "I don't dream of labor trend" and a lot of it drew parallels with my own thoughts around my sense of purpose as well as my developing thoughts on politics. I also find myself really resonating with her whole oversharing in Seattle series where she's basically talking about settling into Seattle after living in the Bay Area her whole life. And while I haven't made that kind of journey just yet, I do see myself one day moving to a place where I don't really know that many people and growing from that experience. 

But yeah, I think when it comes to things on my end, both when it comes to the content I'm consuming as well as my writing, that the way that I relate to content is something to be mindful of so that it doesn't devolve into something unhealthy. While I never got in super deep when it comes to parasocial dynamics since I never had that obsessive fan girl phase growing up, that the way that I use parasocial dynamics for my growth is something that is evolving and is something that is very personal/ individual for me, and therefore it would be really interesting to observe and introspect on that.  

[Raphael]

On 12/15/2021 at 5:33 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

 

• No one is going to like you if you are angry, sad or upset. No one wants to be around you because you're depressed and miserable to be around. Why tf would anyone want a romantic or platonic relationship with you? You're neurodivergent and no one is going to want to put up with that other than other crazy people. You're a menace to be around and no fucking wonder you didn't have a solid group of friends in years. No one likes you and you can pick at yourself all you want and improve yourself, but in the end, people are still not going to like you because there is something inherently wrong with you. 
• You're waaay too fat and ugly for a relationship. No one is going to love you at your current weight. No one is going to look towards your direction and if they do they probably will approach you as a joke. *proceeds to compare self to every skinny person in the 5 mile radius and starts picking apart looks* Let's be real, no one is going to want to fuck that much less love that. 
• God you're so fucking stupid. You aren't going anywhere in life and you don't have any skills that are of value. What? You did good this semester and you're going to graduate a semester earlier than expected? Well you're doing the bare minimum because the classes you took were your easy classes and you would have to be really fucking stupid to not do well. You were originally supposed to graduate in spring 2022 so the fact that you're going to graduate in the fall is you making up for lost time but just barely. 

 

Loooool! What's wrong with being bitchy, angry, sad, or upset, or ugly, or stupid?