soos_mite_ah

Psychoanalyzing Myself

258 posts in this topic

Media Consumption Analysis 2021: Life Experience Content? 

I know it's 2022 but I have been reflecting on the type of media that I consume and I was meaning on doing this post for a hot minute, then I forgot about it, and next thing I know the new year rolled around and here we are. 

The reason why I put this with a question mark is because I don't know how else to really describe this type of content other than it mainly just revolves around people living their lives and reflecting on it. Most of these people are those who are in their early to mid 20s just trying to figure out their lives after college including but not limited to things related to work, relationships, moving to new cities, and their general worldviews (also, I just realized I found most of these creators after the whole "I don't dream of labor" trend happened). There definitely that parasocial aspect to this where it feels like I'm their friend sitting there like *omfg same I feel that too and I also think....* and I think it facilitates the dialogs that I have in my head regarding me figuring out my own life.  Just in general, I have noticed that I am growing more by bonding and building relationships with people by talking about what is going on in my life and what's been going on with their life than I am from consuming spiritual and self development content. 

The way that I'm drawn to this type of content reminds me of a TikTok that I saw awhile back. In this video, this woman in her late 20s was talking about how as you get older you don't get attached to pieces of media like your favorite TV show or your favorite band like you used to back when you were in your teen years. A lot of the comments replying to that video was from teenagers just getting sad about how adulthood just steals your joy and makes you boring with no hobbies and interests. The creator then replied back and said that this isn't a bad thing because as you get older, because you will experience more of life, you tend to bond with people with similar world views and life experiences instead of whether or not you like the same kind of music. On top of that, there is the whole thing about how you gain more media literacy as you grow up, you tend to be more aware of parasocial dynamics and don't cling onto them as obsessively, as well understanding your own relation to escapism. And I really felt that shit especially this year because I noticed that most of my relationships now aren't really built on common interests like before rather they have to do with common values and experiences. I also think that this reflects on the media that I find myself drawn to as well.

So, here are some creators from this category that I find myself coming back to frequently: 

I feel like Fauxhad is just really big moods most of the time. I found him back when he had a few hundred followers and lowkey, I love seeing his growth on the platform as well as they way that he too is growing and are confused with life as well during the pandemic and lockdowns. 

I feel like I keep adding Katherout videos onto my journals in addition to my own thoughts and emotions that come up for me while I watch her content. I'm also really here for her oversharing in seattle series she's doing about her experience relocating after being in San Francisco her whole life and how she's figuring out her relationship to work, achievement, and capitalism. And as an overachiever, this feels like me looking into the future by like idk 3-4 years lol. 

I found myself drawn to Lynette Adkin's content because of the way that she ties in things like manifestation and spirituality in a very practical way to facilitate her living her best life and her being critical of the systems that are currently set into place. I would say that it's her videos that I found first under the whole "I don't dream of labor" trend which led me to find a lot of the creators above. 

I found Tarek Ali's channel a couple years ago and I remember watching a few videos here and there. I found myself more attracted to his content lately when he started talking about things related to body image and just navigating your life and relationships after graduating. I feel like I have learned a lot from his content and honestly, a lot of them just feel like little one sided therapy sessions where he just lectures life advice to me and I eat it up and relate it to my own life and realizations. 

Similar to Tarek's content, when I watch Kayln's content, particularly on her Koze channel, I eat is up like one sided therapy sessions with life advice. I feel like she as a bit more of a spirituality mixed into her self development related content which I always appreciate. And as the title says, it's cozy.  

I find myself clicking on a lot of videos with reddit posts despite never being on reddit. Idk I just like seeing random little anecdotes, words of advice, and takes from people all complied in one place. Also, the robotic voice is funny sometimes lol. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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Media Consumption Analysis: Commentary Channels / Video Essays

I decided to get into more commentary channels and video essays because that's where my interests lie and I often feel more informed after watching these videos. I remember that this time last year I had that whole issue with disconnecting from my identity to where I wasn't replenishing myself by delving into my hobbies and interests because I got so caught up in my spiritual ego and as a result was trying to transcend everything. So the way I decided to cope with that is to rediscover a lot of the things I found interesting and just let myself enjoys shit again. I think this was really important for my relationship with spirituality so that it manifests in a healthier way. Because personally I believe that if you do spirituality in a sustainable way and in a sustainable pace, its' supposed to make you more human rather than have you try to transcend you own humanity. 

I found Alice Cappelles content when this video on critiquing self help popped up. I was really intrigued by her take and then proceeded to binge on her videos because she had interesting point of view as someone who fell down the constant self improvement rabbit hole. 

I really like both amandamaryanna's and shansphere's content and how I basically feel like I leave their videos with more media literacy IQ points than when I first clicked on the video. I find all of the social commentary and critiques really insightful as well and again, I feel like I leave with more IQ points on social awareness after watching their content. 

When I first found Brooey Deschannel's channel, I instantly found myself binging her content. While I'm not super into film and I haven't watch most of the movies and shows she talks about, I do really love the way that she breaks them down and finds things that are incredibly insightful from and intersectional and anticapitalist lens. I especially loved her video on sex work and how it's portrayed

 (also, just in general, it's fair to say that most of the creators I will be talking about in these series of post are leftists lol). 

Then there is Tiffany Ferg and Jordan Theresa with their internet/media analysis. I remember mentioning them in my last media consumption analysis and you know what, they make another appearance here as well. 

Then I have a bunch of leftist content creators who don't post super often but when they do I eat that shit up and I rewatch their videos because I can just feel my EQ points and critical thinking skills shoot up. Truly, makes me feel like I'm in my big brain energy,  Contrapoints', Salari's, and Innuendo Studies's content honestly feels like a treat whenever I find out that they posted something. 

 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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Media Consumption Analysis: Self Development Channels 

Earlier in 2021 I decided to take a break from self help content and I think it has paid off a lot. I developed a healthier relationship with self help, was able to branch out more in my interests, and not get into this cycle of constantly fixing things about myself. I think it also helped me develop relationships with people because I feel like often times when you get so caught up in self help, there is a part that can sometimes consciously or subconsciously develop that is like *I'm so developed, I'm more developed than most of the people here, it's lonely at the top* or that is like *look at all of the unconscious masses, they are so superficial.* And yes, while it is true that odds are you are more aware than some people and that there are indeed superficial people out there, there are also plenty of people who are interested in growing as people and having good conversations about what is going on in their lives  even if they aren't immersed in self help or spirituality. And sometimes, you need to just give yourself some distance from the self help/ spirituality content and let yourself just be a person. 

A lot of Ana Psychology's content coincides with her research and studies as a psychology doctoral candidate. I really appreciate how she breaks down multiple studies and adds nuance to common presumptions especially in things like dating so there aren't a bunch of hard and fast rules and so that the audience goes out to handle each situation as it's own rather than applying wide sweeping generalizations. 

 

 I feel like I don't have to expand on HealthyGamerGG's content but yeah I really enjoy Dr. K's content. 

I found that Dani Foxx's content was crucial for me to get out of the spiritual ego I built for myself and heal/grow in a more sustainable pace. 

 

As for Actualized.org and Teal Swan, I have to admit that during this year I didn't delve into their content like I usually do. I did this intentionally because I needed to develop a healthier relationship with self development. I think this space helped me realize how the channels were and weren't serving me. I find myself in a gap in the content, especially when it comes to Leo's content, because it's like conceptually and from a self development point of view, I find myself already have integrated (I'm using the term integrated pretty loosely here to mean I have a good grasp on the theory and can apply it to a certain extent) a lot of the things he and Teal Swan talks about and much of it feels repetitive. That's not so say that Leo's content or Teal Swan's is repetitive rather it's to say that a lot of the concepts do overlap on one another and intersect other topics.

But then there is this gap that forms where there is a large chunk of the content that feels repetitive and like I've already integrated it while there is a sizeable chunk of the content that I don't find myself anywhere near ready to integrate. This mainly has to do with Leo but personally, I'm not ready for a lot of the lessons on nonduality and psychedelics and I don't think I'm in a healthy enough place to implement those teachings in a healthy way instead of misinterpreting them. Like I've been saying, it's important to pace yourself on this journey. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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A Brief Life Update Featuring **Mild Depression**

I know that I haven't been writing a lot lately and much of it has to do with my work load as well as this form of mild depression that I'm experiencing that is basically due to a nice cocktail of issues. I'm mainly writing this down because even though I don't have much inspiration for a substantive post, I'm still itching to write something and I want to process a bunch of random things that's been happeining in my life since there is a part of me that feels like I'm in a dissassociative state of sorts. 

I got around to watching Encanto: Honestly, this movie is amazing. It explains the dynamics of generational trauma and dysfunctional families really well and I walked away from that movie reevaluating my life. There is no definitive villian in the movie other than traumatic experiences and I loved how basically each family member's powers alluded to the messed up roles they play. I feel like I could do a whole nother post on me relating to each of the characters tbh. It was such a good movie. 

I got an internship for the semester: In my last life update I wrote about how I was stressing about the whole interview process. Welp... a couple weeks ago I got a call back and I just finished my first week there. I didn't really do much since the first day was me meeting with people who I'm going to be working with and the second and third day were basically cancelled because of the big winter storm that came through Dallas (I'm working on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and I have all of my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, with the exception of one, to accomodate for me having a job). Not sure how this will go  because while I'm not picking up on any red flags, there are a few yellow flags that I have encountered sooooo how chaotic this well be is undecided. I do like that I get to work with multiple departments and projects that could help me narrow down what I want to do after graduation so that's my main objective going in. And if this doesn't work out.... welll.... at least my resume won't look like a skinny legend. 

I've been dealing with a disordered relationship with food: I am working through a lot of limitting beliefs around my health and food after visiting a couple of nutty doctors and after spending a month with my mom hyper analyzing my body, my eating habits, and my exercise habits. Those things triggered the fuck out of me and I've been trying to deal with that for the last 3 weeks or so. I'm so lucky to have a supportative roommate who is willing to help me talk through things with them and is willing to check up on me. That has been so fucking helpful and I cannot be more grateful for them. 

Dealing with nutty doctors: I almost overdosed on high dose iron pills that my oncologist overprescribed (I got refered to an oncologist for my iron deficiency it's a little weird I know). That definitely fucked up my blood work and when I brought it up to my primary care physician, he was like *oh know guess I forgot to note down you were on this prescription my bad. I guess things make more sense now.* The fact that he didn't notice this until I pointed it out and started getting weird symptoms is concerning to say the least but at least he told me to get off these pills. I'm going to get some more blood work done in a few weeks so I can actually figure out wtf is going on with my body. But yeah.... it's been a trip.... 

Made time to hang out with friends: I caught up with some of the friends I made last semester and its been going well. I'm proud of myself for maintaining these relationships and I found myself some good people to be around. It makes me feel more like a person tbh. Right at this moment I don't feel like putting myself out there all that much because of the mild depression but I'm sure it's going to pass. 

I'm currently living next to a trap house: this might be a whole post of it's own. But these people are really annoying and I hope they learn to stfu. I don't care what they are doing behind those doors just for fucks sake don't scream at 2 am in the morning on a weeknight for the love of god. 

My roommate and I celebrated lunar new years: We made sushi rolls and shrimp from scratch and then watched a couple movies together. We planned this out a couple weeks in advance, saved up, and then bought the stuff a couple days before. We also bought a bunch of snacks from the Asian market and I tried a lot of new foods, all of which I loved. It was just an all around good time and I'm looking forward to cooking with them not only because they are an amazing cook but because I really like their company.

I've been getting ahead of my classes: I'm taking more classes than last semester and I'm working which is why I tried to get ahead espeically upon finding out that I got the internship I mentioned above. I've been rather stressed because of that and I've been spending a lot of long hours just doing that. I've been taking the last couple days to just rest so I don't end up burning myself out. It's a lot but I'm managaing.  But yeah, the first week was me figuring out my schedules and trying to get my books in soon so that I don't fall behing and then the second week and half of this week was me getting ahead of things. It's been pretty exhausting. 

I'm awaiting to hear back from the study abroad people: I'm hoping to study abroad in Japan so I can knock out a couple of classes and so I can get out of the U.S. for a hot minute. I know there is a pandemic happening but I feel like I'm going insane at this point and I feel like I really need to branch out because of that and because I really want to have this be a part of my whole experience in college. This is something that is really important for me. 

I started weightlifting and going to the gym again: My roommate is doing this weight lifting class and they really need someone to keep them accountable. Lucky for them, I too need someone to keep me accountable when it comes to going to the gym. I went to the gym yesterday with my roommate just so we can see where we were at as a starting point. That was really fun and I will admit was a pleasant surprise  since I haven't lost any strength in tha last 2 years and if anything am stronger now. I am really proud of the fact that I can do 200lbs on the leg press and 110lbs on the standing calf raise machine. The later was especially an ego boost because right after I finished, there was a gym bro that started using the machine and this man walked up to that machine looking really cocky. He didn't adjust the weight or anything so he was doing the same weight I was doing and this man ended up red in the face (guess the guy kept skipping leg day). And so from now on I'm going to use that as motivation in the gym. I strive to be that person who looks like they can't do much but will intimidate the fuck out of anyone who manages to see or try what I'm doing for a workout. 

Mild depression: I think this has to do with a combination of the following: 

  • mourning my college experience because I didn't have the happiest experience in the last few years 
  • mourning my family relationships since I'm in the process of cutting things off 
  • dealing with my body insecurities (and just insecurities in general) as well as a messed up relationship with food 
  • being burnt out mentally from dealling with school and running around with little time to breathe or have time for myself 
  • being burnt out emotionally from living with my parents during Christmas break 
  • and last but not least, just good ol' seasonal depression

But basically, I haven't been feeling like myself lately and as a result I haven't been in a super sociable mood to where I feel comfortable with meeting with new people and I haven't been creative to where I felt as if I could make a lot of posts. I have been feeling like a more watered down version of myself for the last 3 weeks or so. I feel like I'm in a somewhat dissassociated state of sorts and I really have to stick to my meditation habit to stay presant. It's been a little frustrating but at the very least I feel like I can still function. I'm maintaing relationships with people and staying relatively social. I'm keeping up with school with no issues with staying up to date with assignments. I'm keeping up with my health physically. And finally I'm going all of the self care things I need to do to keep myself in check. I definitely don't feel like I'm spiraling but I do feel myself flat lining a bit and having an existential crisis about what it is I'm doing with my life and where tf I'm going to be at the end of the year. I do see this as a passing thing but doing this much emotional labor on a regular basis does feel exhausting at times. I feel myself really wanting this breath of fresh air emotionally speaking. I really just want a break tbh. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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Mild Depression

On 2/6/2022 at 11:21 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Mild depression: I think this has to do with a combination of the following: 

  • mourning my college experience because I didn't have the happiest experience in the last few years 
  • mourning my family relationships since I'm in the process of cutting things off 
  • dealing with my body insecurities (and just insecurities in general) as well as a messed up relationship with food 
  • being burnt out mentally from dealling with school and running around with little time to breathe or have time for myself 
  • being burnt out emotionally from living with my parents during Christmas break 
  • and last but not least, just good ol' seasonal depression

But basically, I haven't been feeling like myself lately and as a result I haven't been in a super sociable mood to where I feel comfortable with meeting with new people and I haven't been creative to where I felt as if I could make a lot of posts. I have been feeling like a more watered down version of myself for the last 3 weeks or so. I feel like I'm in a somewhat dissassociated state of sorts and I really have to stick to my meditation habit to stay presant. It's been a little frustrating but at the very least I feel like I can still function. I'm maintaing relationships with people and staying relatively social. I'm keeping up with school with no issues with staying up to date with assignments. I'm keeping up with my health physically. And finally I'm going all of the self care things I need to do to keep myself in check. I definitely don't feel like I'm spiraling but I do feel myself flat lining a bit and having an existential crisis about what it is I'm doing with my life and where tf I'm going to be at the end of the year. I do see this as a passing thing but doing this much emotional labor on a regular basis does feel exhausting at times. I feel myself really wanting this breath of fresh air emotionally speaking. I really just want a break tbh. 

I have been feeling better since I have last posted this but the mild depression is still there. I think a lof of it also has to do with me not taking as much time for myself as I normally would. I have had a pretty packed schedule lately where I plan out my day by the hour. The only "me" time I have been getting lately is the bare minimum time I need to take care of myself (i.e. an hour for breakfast, 30 min for lunch, an hour for dinner, some time to take a shower, an hour to work out, some time to meditate). And while I do like that time for myself, I often feel like I'm recharging to do more work rather than spending quality time with myself wher I can let myself relax, do something creative, or just watch whatever tf is in my YouTube watch later playlist. The last few days I have been making the point to basically do the bare minimum when it comes to the tasks I have and I think I really needed that. 

And speaking of taking time for myself, last Thrusday I skipped all of my classes because I emotionally felt like I needed it. My study abroad trip I had planned for Japan fell through. There were 5x as many applicants as they normally have and they simply didn't have enough spots. I get a feeling that it likely has to do with how it is the most affordable program my school offers and everyone is itching to get out the area provided that they won't spend a fortune due to the pandemic. It was really disappointing. I found out on Wednesday night and I spent Thursday not going to class but letting myself feel and process as well as just take the day slow so I can take care of myself through this. This was something that I have been wanting to do for years but because of the pandemic, this fell through, not once, but twice. But the good thing is that I got to know about this news early. There is also a chance that the program won't happen in general because Japan's borders are closed. 

That day I woke up at around 9, took a long shower, and then went on a walk. I decided to stop by Starbucks and get an iced matcha latte and their chicken pesto sandwiches. I spent much of that day relaxing and then at 2 I went to the study abroad office to figure out where to go from there. Turns out I can do another program instead so I decided to do the one in London instead since it's the only program that satisfies my degree requiremtents. I have mixed feelings about it if I'm going to be completley honest. Then I had a couple things planned with my friend and there was also an event on campus with the art museam that's near by, so I went to that. I also ate plenty of chocolate for Valentines Day from a friend who gave some to me. She also gave me this bag of strawberry chocolates and those are so good. Overall, it was a good day. I don't regret skipping all of my classes that day. I really needed it. 

But that day and how I felt afterwards made me realize that part of the mild depression is likely me being tired and not spending unstructured time with myself. I need rest from my daily activities as well as the things I'm dealing with in the back of mind that I listed above. I also need to take that rest in an environment that has people who are just healthier to be around (so basically, me doing nothing at home during break doesn't count because of my household). 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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Learning from Old Relationships 

So I decided that I was going to reconnect with a friend. I am pretty nervous since I haven't heard from her for years now and I really don't want it to be awkward. I'm mainly writing this post because I feel like I need to get some of the emotional baggage I associate with this connection off of my chest and also I think it would be really beneficial for me to reflect on how I have changed and grown over the years. 

1. One of the main things I think contributed to me drifting off from this person and their group of friends is my grandmother passing away. Funny enough, I'm reconnecting with this person very close to the 6 year anniversary of the event. But basically, I don't have family in the U.S. so me losing my grandmother was like losing a third of my family. It was also the first time I lost someone who I knew personally and who I saw on the daily basis. It was existential crisis inducing to say the least and worst of all, my parents weren't much help when it came to guiding me through how to process grief. I also had a lot of other people in my life pass away during this time and while I wasn't close to them as I was close to my grandmother, it did feel like picking at a wound that wasn't completely healed.

As a result, I resulted in coping with this myself. I found myself growing, changeing a lot, and reevauluating a lot of things to where often times I couldn't recognize myself. I drifted from my friends during this time and I found myself never really reconnecting because I just didn't feel like I had much in common with them anymore even though I did really enjoy their company. I stuck around for a while but eventually things just got awkward because I felt like I was getting left out of things so I basically was like *hey we're drifting apart, I'm just gonna go instead of forcing this* 

2. Part of the reason why I didn't have much in common with them was because I was basically in this constant state of existential crisis and basically was really emotionally intense. Like I remember that I really craved for a lot of deep conversations and I couldn't let loose at the time because basically, since I was at my late teens, my emotional depth perception and ability to process things critically was coming online developmentally lol. Ultimately, I just found myself not being able to emotionally relate to them. This has also caused me to get into some not so healthy dynamics with other friends where we basically bonded with each other on the basis of trauma and I was the therapist friend. I wouldn't say that these were toxic people or that we were in a toxic relationship, but it wasn't healthy and I didn't want it to get to that point where we resented one another so I cut things off first. I felt like I was emotionally a different stage of my life compared to my old friends. 

4. I really felt like I needed to get my life together. I didn't think it was right for me to lean on this group of friends and I feel like I was doing the absolute most. Also, when we were in our teens, I highly doubt they were in the position to help me much because they didn't have the life experience or the skills to help me through some situations like dealing with grief. That isn't their fault, that is normal in their stage of emotional development. I would place the fault more on my parents because as adults, they should have the skills to help me in a constructive way to where I wouldn't need to feel like I needed to turn to my friends for life advice. 

 I always had the intention to come back ot this group of friends. But I promised myself that if I were to come back, I'll come correct. And even though I don't have my life all the way together, I do think I'm in a significantly better place now to where I can be a good friend without the dynamic becoming unhealthy. 

 

Why do I think I'm in a better place now: 

1. I can be vulnerable enough to communicate my boundaries as well as my needs in a relationship: Back then in like 2016-2018, I was incredibly emotionally closed off. I thought that showing emotion was a weakness and that I was overreacting when I didn't feel good in a situation. This fear of  vulnerability wasn't this fuzzy thing that simply caused me to not get close to people but it was something that prevented me from effectively communicating. There were times in this relationship that I look back now and I cringe a little because so much could have been solved with a couple of conversations (albeit not so fun and kind of awkward conversation that my 16 year old self didn't want to have and didn't know how to have). 

2. I sorted through a lot of my familiy issues. This was a huge source of stress when I was in high school and being able to go to college and get professional help was honestly life changing. I can't say that all of it is sorted through, but enough of it is to where I can be self aware about problems that may arise and deal with it in a healthy and proactive way. A lot of the issues I have at the moment are much more pandemic related and I think I'm in a good place as far as dealing with this goes. 

3. I learned that I'm much better in one-on-one dynamics or small groups of people than friend groups that consisted of 5+ people. I find that having small groups of 3ish or hanging out one-on-one is so much healthier for me because it's easier to focus and get to know a person. Also, just in general when it comes to larger groups, I often find myself shrinking down, not because of any insecurities, but because I want everyone to have a voice and I'm too busy trying to listen to everyone than to speak. As a result, it becomes more difficult for people to get to know me. It's also easier to gage reciprocity without it turning into a competitive thing when you are dealing with less people. 

4. I have gotten and am getting professional help. I noticed that when I started going to therapy that there was a lot of weight lifted off of my relationships because I can focus on having more lighthearted conversations when I had a specific professional I go to with my issues who can actually help me much momre than my friends could. That's not to say tha my friends cannot support me throught things, but it is to say that professional support just hits different. 

5. I have healthy relationships in my life that are basically proof that I can sustain something like this. I also have more skills when it comes to dealing with conflict, asserting myself, and getting out of situations that no longer serve me. I'm not trauma bonding to people. I'm not getting my issues triggered. I'm communicating my needs and boundaries directly. So I'd say I'm doing well. 

6. I got a lot of my attachment issues under control. I had an extrememly anxious attachment style mixed in with being dismissive avoidant. Later, when I dealt with my anxious attachment style, I swang to the other end and became rather emotionally unavailble. Though I still have a few anxious and avoidant tendencies here and there, I do have a better idea as to how to deal with them in the rare occasion that they resurface. 

7. I think it was important for me to distance myself for a little bit to grow into who I am supposed to be instead to confining myself in familiar dyanamics with people. I have reconnected with people in my past before and I would say taking that break and giving one another that space to be authentic to ourselves, go after what each of us want without restrictions (i.e. going off to college across the country, investing time in other relationships etc.), and grow independently from one another was necessary for each of us to be better rounded and more secure in ourselves. Then, when we did reconnect, it actually turned out better than where we left off. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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@soos_mite_ah

I just had a quick look at your journal, and wanted to send you a bit of love and support.

Regarding your difficulties with food, I am wondering if you had ever had a look at meal prep kit solutions like "Hello Fresh", to help you with your diet? I have been using them for 3 months now, and I find their meal great.

I also shed a few kg, only from the fact that I am eating better in average. In the country I am located, they've got each week some low calorie meals, and you can select your meal by calorie intake if you wish to do so. So that's quite handy.

If you are on a budget, it might be pricey but it should be still affordable. :)

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@Etherial Cat I appreciate the thought but most of my issues with food have more to do with emotional things going on and my poor body image rather than the specific foods I am eating. I also have a bad habit built up over the years of continuously undereating due to always eating low calorie meals. That has been catching up to me nutritionally in the form of some deficiencies as well as in the form of a damaged metabolism. 

I haven't tried Hello Fresh before but I have seen many ads about them and it sounds interesting. I might give it a try after graduating college. Currently, much of my food is covered by tuition thankfully since I live on campus . 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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The Hellscape that was the Early 2000s

I can't say that I remember the early 2000s well since I was a child. Tbh, I feel like part of the early 2010's also bleeds into my perception of the 2000s mainly beause my head likes to lump my childhood experiences and memories from age 4-12 into one category (so that's like from 2003 ish to 2011 or so). As I've been trying to fix my body image and eating habits, I have been purgeing a lot of the messages I was given when I was really young. I think the messages that stuck to me the most were the ones that penetrated into my psyche before I had any ability of critical thinking developed physically in my brain. For example, there are some standards that didn't come to mind until later (say 12 or so) that didn't stick at all. One such example was the whole concept of stretch marks. I didn't know what they were for the longest time and when I was exposed to them for the first time at around 11, I didn't think it was a big deal. Even when people told me that stretch marks were something to be ashamed of, by that age, it didn't really affect me all that much because I thought it was dumb and overly nitpicky. 

But a lot of the things that did stick are the blatant examples of fat phobia that was basically everywhere at the time. Tabloids at the supermarket, magazines, TV shows, reality TV, my elementary school teachers trying to lose weight, talk shows, advertising, as well as basically most of the women I was around who were over the age of 16 at the time. I linked a video above on the "Toxic Diet Culture of the 2000s" and I would say that this video among other content that was made on similar subjects are basically unlocking any subconscious memory that 7 year old me tucked away. 

I found this article by the Guardian to be a very good summary of how I remember the early 2000s based on the fragments my child self held onto: 

https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2021/mar/06/why-the-00s-were-so-toxic-for-women

I think that the fat phobia and the internalized misogny was the things that affected me the most as a child. The internalized misogyny was basically the whole "not like other girls" (NLOG) complex that so many girls my age had at some point or another (I wrote about that a lot, not going to do that in this post).

Homophobia

I do also remember having \ homophobic and slut-shaming beliefs when I was in early middle school but I feel like I corrected that pretty early on. I still remember being 15 when same-sex marriage was legalized nationwide and how I found it pretty wild that 4 years ago you could go around using the word gay as an insult and use homophobic slurs without things being really questioned but then suddenly it wasn't socially acceptable anymore (speaking from the area I grew up in, I can't speak on other areas. I know places, especially since I live in Texas, that are still wildly homophobic). I still find it wild that it hasn't even been 10 years since the legislature was passed yet we made this much progress in this one area.

Sex and Slut Shaming 

As for slut shaming, I can't say that I encountered much of it. I feel like the peak slut shaming years were before I was really aware of sex (as before the age of 11). I feel like things got much better in the early 2010s. The thing that I remember being really fucking scandelous was teen pregnancy. I remember back then, the reason why I thought being a slut was bad wasn't because of the social reprucussions or the ostracization, rather being a slut was bad because of the possibility of getting pregnant and basically ruining your life. I think I watched waaay too many episodes of "Teen Mom" and "16 and Pregnant" as well as shows such as Dr. Phil and Maury, completely unsupervised as a 9 year old. I think that combined with my parents never giving me the sex talk or talking about contraceptions/safe sex also made sex this scary thing. On top of that,  by the time most of my peers were getting used to sex, I was disinterested for the most part since I identified as asexual. Though I was disinterested, I was still afraid of the whole becoming pregnant thing. And frankly, I don't think that has ever left me tbh even though I'm on birth control. Also, the whole Texas banning abortion thing recently doesn't help either. 

But I do vaguely remember slut shaming from back then even though I was too young to relate or understand what was going on. I do remember the blatant objectification and the way that a lot of women in the media were treated at the time (especially Britney Spears). Whlie I don't remember a lot of the interviews and drama from the time, I do remember the over all atmosphere of judgement, the scandel, and the controversy. Also for some reason, I remember blonde hair, gigantic fake tits that were always in people's faces, and pencil thin eyebrows being every where in the media. I am currently getting an image of Pamela Anderson in my head. I'm pretty sure she and Anna Nicole Smith scared the fuck out of me as a child lol.   

Trashy TV 

I did talk about some of the reality shows that remember fixating on earlier in this post. I also remember my mom watching a shit ton of Opera, Dr. Oz, TMZ, and the View. I would tune in with her a lot of the times after school as well just out of pure curiosity. I don't remember much of Opera to say much about her but Dr. Oz (who isn't even a real doctor in the first place) was my mom's justification for weight loss and "healthy eating." That man convinced my mom to be terrified of strawberries for literal years. There was a lot of weight loss shows as well ranging from "The Biggest Loser", "Jamie Oliver's Food Fight", and "Supersize vs. Superskinny." There are a couple of good videos I found dissecting these shows from a more neutral and professional place compared to the early 2000s. Part of me now wonders how tf people let this air because it is sooo fucking dangerous. No wonder everyone and their mom had issues with food. 

I have also come to the realization after going to the gym for 3 weeks just for fun that the main reason why I hated exercising before was because I had Jillian Micheals voice in my head yelling at me all the time all these years. No fucking wonder I was terrified to go in there and no wonder I would always self sabotague. Like her yelling at someone on a tread mill until they throw up is literally burned in my head to the point where for the longest time I thought that unless I was drenched in sweat and felt sick that I wasn't exercising hard enough. Now that I look back I get that this makes for more exciting and dramatic TV, but irl I can't see this being something that works for most people. Because having that kind of self critique in your head plus over working yoursel in the gym to the point you're absolutely miserable isn't exactly a recipe that's going to keep you consistant with your habits and it isn't what's going to have you coming back for more. 

I also watched the View recently since they still air on TV and honestly. I thought it was some boomer shit. I don't really have much to say other than it feels like I'm sitting at a table surrounded by old people trying to make sense of things from an outdated lens. I mean, good for you for trying to figure things out and form your opinions but there are some topics that seem so blatantly obvious to anyone who have done a few google searches here and there to educate themselves. Overall, very stale. 

Blatant Fatphobia

 

 

Basically I wrote about some of the issues I've had in the past regarding my weight and how it was viewed throught the lens of the time. It feels really weird looking back at some of the pictures of myself from when I was a child. Sure I was a little squishy, but it really wasn't that big of a deal. I feel like a lot of the standards and culture a the time blew things out of proportion. As a result, my self image is really blown out of proportion. I still see myself as the unattractive fat kid that I technically never was to begin with.

I feel like there is a part of me that consists of all of the judgements that people made about average bodies in the early 2000s. The video above talks about movies that made fun of women who were average to skinnier and average for not being rail thin. A lot of it was making a big deal over nothing and feeding into a shit ton of psychological neurosis. I guess if I were to put myself on a spectrum from Paris Hilton to Lizzo, from size 0 to plus size, I'm kind of around the area where a lot of the characters who are discussed in the video above are at. And even though those characters are relatively pretty thin, they are often portrayed as anything but since they don't reflect the size 0 ideal at the time. Not only that, but is is framed as something that is incredibly shameful. I think that greatly mirrors my body image.

I'm well aware that I don't have the same struggles as someone who has a bigger body.I know that if I complain about my body and how big I feel a lot of people would write me off as delusional and just generally triggering. They are right. I am delusional. It doesn't make sense that I see myself as so big when I fit in a small to extra small most of the time. And why should me being or becoming bigger be something to be ashamed of? It's natural for our bodies to change over time and find different weights to hold as a homeostasis or set point. It's highly unrealistic and damaging to expect anyone to stay the same size forever. There is just a lot of unlearning that I am doing at this point and a lot of things I am digging through. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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My Current Routines 

***Note: Sometimes I skip an item here and there so I can get in more sleep or have more time for myself as needed

Monday / Wednesday 

  • 7:30-8: Get up, brush my teeth, wash my face etc. 
  • 8-10: Answer email, do small assignments, eat something 
  • 10-11: Work out with a friend
  • 11-12: Eat lunch with a friend and walk back to my dorm 
  • 12-1: Take a shower, get dressed, walk to class
  • 1-2: Class
  • 2-5:30: Work + commute time (Commute is about an hour, 20 minutes there and 40 minutes back. I normally listen to music or youtube videos on my watch later section. But on some days, work is remote so I get that extra time to myself)
  • 5:30-6:30: Take a break/ meditate 
  • 6:30-7:30: Eat dinner 
  • 7:30-12: Do homework with breaks as needed 
  • 12-1: scroll through my phone 

 

Tuesday/ Thursday

  • 8-8:30: Get up, brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed etc. 
  • 8:30-9:20 ish: Eat breakfast 
  • 9:30-3:30: Classes with no breaks 
  • 3:30-5:00: Take a break/ meditate/ eat a snack
  • 5-6: Therapy/ career development meeting 
  • 6-7: dinner 
  • 7-8: break 
  • 8-12: homework with breaks as needed.
  • 12-1: scroll through phone 

Friday

  • 8-8:30: Get up, brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed etc.
  • 8:30-10: Workout + take a shower
  • 10-12: Meet up with a friend
  • 12-1: Get something to eat 
  • 1-2: Class
  • 2-5:30: Work + Commute (Commute is about an hour, 20 minutes there and 40 minutes back. I normally listen to music or youtube videos on my watch later section. But on some days, work is remote so I get that extra time to myself)
  • 5:30-6:30: Take a break/ meditate 
  • 6:30-7:30: Eat dinner 
  • 7:30-12: Do homework with breaks as needed 
  • 12-1: scroll through my phone 

Weekend: 

  • Wakeup whenever I want 
  • Study/ get ahead in classes:  2-6 hours depending on  work load
  • Get some chores done (buy snacks for the room, cook with my roommate, clean up, run errands etc.): 2 hours or so
  • Hang out with a couple of friends in the evening 
  • Maybe get work out for 1 hour if I feel like it

 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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Taking Stock of My Social Circle 

I was thinking of this last night as well as how much your social circle can affect your general perception on what is considered normal. I was also thinking about how coming back down to earth  to hang out with people in my life and away from this form has helped me feel more grounded. I feel like this forum tends to lean one way very heavily when it comes to dealing with people and as a result has a very distorted view on what people are like (especially when it comes to women). 

So I'm mainly going to talk about my friends, both the ones I talk to regularly as well as the ones I talk to semi regularly. I am not including acquiantences because while I do run into them, I'm not really spending all that much time with them and it would be too many to keep track of. Also, a lot of my friends of friends roughly fall under the same patterns.  As for numbers go, I will be using 13 friends. 4 are in the same college as me and the rest are friends I have maintained from elsewhere. 

Drinking Habits
Most of my friends rarely drink and if they do it's usually for a special occasion. A lot of us have gotten fucked up once in a safe area just to see what it was like but then never got that drunk again since it's scary and not super pleasant lol. I have this one friend who parties kind of regularly (a couple times a month) but she has since stopped because of the pandemic. I have two friends who don't drink at all for spiritual and religious reasons. And I have that one friend that does drink somewhat regularly (like once a week) but it isn't really in a party context rather it's usually a dinner with friends/significant other thing. 

Drug Use 
A good chunk of us have tried weed but don't use it. A small chunk of us are too scared to try it. We all support legalization because of the impact on the economy and crime but we're not stoners lol. None of us smoke cigarrettes. 2 of my friends vape, one in party settings and the other regularly. The one doing it regularly is trying to quit. I have told both of them that I don't care so long as they don't do it around me because I don't like the smell. None of us have done or have access to anything harder like cocaine molly etc. And I find that funny since I go to a school that is known to have a drug problem. But even then, I don't know where to get it or who to talk to since I hang out with the dorks whose idea of a fun Saturday night is playing D&D and who say "golly gosh" when they find someone attractive. The chaotic people are background characters to my story lol. I do however have this one friend who has tried LSD once though but that's about it. 

Party Habits 
The party habits of my friend group ranges from rarely going out (i.e. maybe 3-4 times a year) to never going out at night. And even then, the main attraction is before and after the party. Before you have the fun of getting ready and then after you come back with your friends and spend the night at one of y'alls houses. I remember one time my friend and I came back early from a bar, I spent the night at her place, and we made cookies. That was fun. 

Recreation
Most of the time we all either get food/coffee and hang out with one another, go back to someone's place and cook something, or we watch movies together. 

Dating/ Relationships
I have 2 friends who date somewhat regularly (and by that I don't mean they are always on Tinder rather I mean they have been in and out of a few relationships over the last 8 years). Those two have been in committed relationships for over a year now. I have 4 other friends who never really dated but have gotten into relationships but that is the only relationship they have ever been in. Everyone has found friends through common friends in school. There aren't really people in my friend group who date or have sex casually. A couple of my friends have had a really short lived hoe phase that lasted for like 2 months before they got bored of it. Other than those two, most of my friends have either only hooked up with their current partner, or are virgins. A really big chunk of my friends are perpetually single lol. 

Age/Race/Gender/Sexuality 
More than half of us are LGBTQ (7/13). There is only one guy out of my friends. I used to have more guy friends growing up but I have lost contact with a lot of them and I have been in hermit mode throughout college so there is that. What I'm trying to say is that this isn't normal for me. Also, this guy is straight and never dated any of my friends nor have any of my friends started liking him. Two are nonbinary/ trans.  We have met most of his girlfriends and we are all cool with one another. Age ranges from 20-23 but I have one friend who is 26. Out of these 13, I only have 2 white friends. The rest are east asian, south asian, hispanic, black, and middle eastern. I'm pretty sure that if we were all in a room we'd look like the diversity section of a college brochure lmaaoooo. 

Class
I would say that we all fall somewhere on the spectrum of lower middle class to upper middle class. In my opinion, that is a RANGE. However, we are all in school due to scholarships and financial aid and we all have had a job during college. There are some of us who are less stressed about money than others and that's where the range comes in but since we are exposed to one another, none of us are insensitive about it and we do get structural issues. I have a couple of friends who, thought they are middle class, grew up around a lot of wealthy people and were exposed to that whole world. One of them has a significant other who is so well off that he won't ever have to work a day in his life if he didn't want to (he's in law school and getting his MBA though so it's not like he's a bum with no ambitions lol). I haven't met this guy yet so I don't know him really. 

Education 
A good chunk of us have either studied business or a STEM major in college. A handful of us have done something in the social sciences. A good chunk of us have double majored or have gotten a minor. There are two of us who decided to pursue a creative major but a lot of us do have creative outlets and wish to make that a job some day. Though we all like what we are studying, we all had to figure out what would be practical for us monetarily speaking. Most of us are planning on going to grad school of some sort. 

Political Views 
Most of us are general leftists/socialists. I say general because we aren't over here being consumed by poltics to where we participate (and in some cases are aware of) the in fighting in the left. I have one friend who identifies as a liberal thourhg I'm sure given her background and education that this isn't going to last too long. I have two friends who straight up claim to be anarchists. I have one friend who grew up fairly conservative but upon being exposed to more diversity and after educating herself she has since moved much further left. 

Therapy and Mental Health 
We have all have had to deal with some kind of anxiety or depression. Most of us are in therapy or at the very least considered it. The one's who are considering it haven't done so because they don't feel ready to unpack certain things yet and because of money. We're all generally open about issues regarding mental health and trauma and try to check in with one another and aid each other's growth by providing different perspectives, general advice, and emotional support/empathy. A lot of this is due to things like generational trauma, institutionalized racism, and family issues. 

Drama
Geneally speaking none of us have had drama or messiness with each other. There have been times where we have kept our distance because we needed space from one another to grow or focus on other areas of our lives such as school. We don't have shit really going on other than the occasional miscommunication. We're pretty upfront with each other and able to open up about our needs and boundaries. At this point, I'm a firm believer of messy people mainly attract other messy people and that it. Occasionally, my friends have gotten involved in messy friend groups in their teen years but they have since course corrected really quickly when they realized those friends weren't good for them. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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Who TF Are Y'all Hanging Out With????

Ok, so now that I've written this out, I guess after being on this forum for a hot minute, I can't help but wonder who tf some of y'all hang out with? I feel like there are a lot of people in this forum that sees socializing as chimp behavior and playing games rather than having healthy relationships that can grow you and keep you accountable. I don't disagree with that notion since there are a lot of messy and dysfunctional people out there and I have been exposed to that in my surroundings even if I never was a part of the drama. But what strikes me as weird is how there is this like this notion that conscious relationships are rare and that you have to be some kind of a saint or lucky person to encounter them. 

Then there is the whole thing with clubbing and pick up. I'm not saying this shit isn't real but I am saying that how common it is can be skewed by how often you are in certain social circles. Just even the notion of going clubbing once a week just seems like a lot of energy. Again, I know these people exist, but I guess because of my biases and experiences, it's just like *dude wtaf???* And then there is this talk of an "elite social circle" that has come up a few times in this forum that just seems bizarre from my personal perspective. 

Quote

I saw him out tonight. He runs and teaches elite social circle game in Vegas.

Elite social circle can certainly be very powerful. Sartain is basically running status game.

He makes some good points. However, pickup definitely works. Rapid physical escalation definitely works. And how are you gonna build a massive elite level social circle without pickup skills?

An incel has no way for building a social circle of hot girls. He would have to spend years going out and socializing with hot girls and becoming very charismatic and socially calibrated. Once you got pickup skills talking to girls is easy so building a social circle becomes pretty easy. Of course by that point you probably don't need a social circle because you can pull consistently. Still, some of the hottest girls you will only get through playing the status games. The hottest girls love status more than they care about your cold approach.

I remember reading this and thinking that it sounded like a foreign language. No. An actual different parallel reality lol. Do some people actually think this way lmao??? Like it's giving this weird calculated vibe around status, money, fame, and popularity and just doing the absolute most instead of finding people you genuinely click with. It's giving.... ***I'm stuck in high school and I still compartmentalize people into the hot and popular crowd and the awkward dorks with no life.*** That's also how I feel about the whole Chad and incel discourse as well tbh. 

Quote

For example, I know a guy in Vegas who's slept with over 1000 girls. How did he do it? Not from cold approach. He did by building an elite social circle such that he's able to get free tables at any nightclub in Vegas. He can get a $5000 table for free any night. Then he just pulls girls into the table. Plus he gets invited to all the elite after parties. For example, he is friends with Zedd, so after Zedd performs at the club, Zedd invites 100 of the hottest girls to a private $20,000 hotel suite. He also invites 10 guys. That's where the real game happens. Imagine how easy it is to get laid when you are sitting in a $20,000 suite with a private pool next to Zedd with 100 of the hottest girls and a tray of cocaine.

That's elite level social circle game. That's how you get the hottest girls consistently.

Also, for this to be considered "elite social circle" honestly is laughable. This whole thing feels pretty bizare I guess because of how orange it is. It orange to the point where it's basically a meme or a caricature. Like my idea of an "elite social circle" (bruhhh... this phrase in itself is  giving weirdo energy) is having a handful of friends who have similar values as you and who you can share your inner most thoughts and experiences with. It's having people who are actively working on themselves and are making an effort to build a sustainable life.  It's about having people who are realtively healthy or at the very least self aware enough to help themselves, other people, or get help. And at least from my life, I haven't found a rarity of that in my social circle at least. I'm not naive to think that everyone's life is like mine. I know for sure that my family is sure as hell nothing like what I described and many of my cousins have messy and dramatic friend groups. Again, like I mentioned in the previous post, messy attracts messy. Status hungry people who's idea of a good life is fucking and doing cocaine will attract other people who are like that and who are seeking things like this out. And if you believe the world is a certain way, your mind and the universe will give you more confirmation on this.  

I'm not doubting any of this is happening. I'm just saying that there is a very large chunk of people who are simply not in this kind of world or life style. This then goes into the whole incel talking point of how women sleep around with 100s of guys in their 20s. Again, I'm sure this happens in certain social circles. But in mine, I highly doubt that any of us is in the double digits. And no, this isn't a "women down play this type of stuff" kind of thing. It's more of "I know your priorities, energy levels, and how you spend your time and I highly doubt you have the time or the energy to be wilding out like this." Also, in my circle, there isn't really that kind of sexual shame we have with each other. Since most of us didn't start dating or having sex until our 20s, honestly, whenever someone does something, it is a little bit exciting/ something to congratulate. It isn't like we put people on  pedestals on sexual activity, most of the time the subject rarely comes up because we more interesting things to talk about.  But when it does come up it's just like "omfg congrats"  or we share a funny story and then we move on without expanding on too many details because quite frankly, this is a private subject for many people and it really isn't any of our business. Honestly, I wouldn't be friends with people who shame others about sex whether it is slut shaming or virgin shaming. It's really immature and cringe tbh.  

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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I'm shocked but I'm not surprised by how infrequently I check this website now that I don't have my notifications on anymore *insert surprised pikachu face*.

 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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I'm Getting My Hunger Cues Back !!!!

So I'm really excited because today I actually had reasonable hunger cues at appropriate times. I woke up a little hungry at around 8 ish so I got a bowl of cheerios and some almond milk with whatever fruit was left over in the fridge. I also ate one of the lychee jelly snacks I got at the Asian market a few weeks back. 

lychee jelly snacks.jpg

I got hungry again at 12:30 and I got myself a sandwich with jalapeno cheese bread, some salami, turkey, spinach, tomato, pesto, and a little bit of onion along with some ranch. I also got myself a kale salad that had kale, onion, carrots, and cranberries and I added some black beans and cherry tomatoes along with some red wine vinegar. 

I went to a coffee shop at around 3:30 to get some of my school work done and there I got a warm cup of green tea and a chocolate crossaint. It was little on the flakier side for my taste but it was really good nontheless and it was nice to have something warm to munch on. 

I started catching myself losing focus at around 6:30 and I thought it was a good time to head on home. On the way back I got myself dinner. My school has a place where you can get personalized pizzas so I went with that. I got a pizza with sausage, pepperoni, spinach, tomatos. and onion. I also got some fries on the side because I haven't had fries in a while but I only managed to eat a couple for the taste since I ended up feeling full. As I was eating the pizza, I just felt really satified with it. I was getting some of my vegetables in, a good amount of protein from the sausage and pepperoni, and fiber from the bread. The fat from the cheese and the protien I was getting was enough to fill me up and I felt more energized after eating the bread because believe it or not, carbs are not the enemy and are needed to fuel you. Shocking I know *insert eye roll.*

Speaking of the bread, normally at this place on campus, I normally get the salad because they have really good salads. But today, I just didn't feel like it. I felt like as far as carbs go I needed something more substantial than a whole bowl of vegetables. And this isn't something about what fills me up more. The salad would have probably filled me up just as well given the volume that they serve at this place, but I just felt my body wanting and needing something different so I opted for the pizza instead which was significantly smaller in size but nevertheless really filling because of the fats, the protein, and the fiber. I know a lot of people who especially talk about clean eating and going raw vegan talk about how you can eat large volume of food for less calories and how this is almost presented as the ideal but sometimes you need something more calorie dense and is also super filling because it has the fats, protien, and fiber in one small place. 

Another big thing I have been noticing lately as I have been trying to eat intuitively and start seeing food in a more neutral/positive light. I can appreciate the things that might not be considered "clean" or "healthy" by diet standards and still appreciate it for what it is whether it is for the taste, the occasion, or ways that they are actually good for you. Like, who tf told me that a sandwich or a burger isn't a healthy meal?  You have some carbs, some vegetables, and fat from the spreads and the cheese if you want some (personally I don't like cheese on my sandwiches and burgers but that's just me. I think it can become a problem if it's overly processed, you eat more than you should because you weren't paying attention to your hunger cues, or because it doesn't have enough nutrients (usually not enough vegetables in the burger or on the side). Because sometimes, you are craving a burger because that's what your body needs and it' nutritionally appropriate for you on that day just like for today, my body thought pizza was necessary and healthy. 

And that's something that I find almost magical about intuitive eating. Once you stop judging yourself for craving things, let go of the novelty of certain foods because you no longer demonize them and see them as this forbidden fruit of sorts, and start listening to your body, you start to trust your body more and the cues it sends you makes more sense.  And those hunger cues and cravings can be really specific too and it can say a lot about what your body actually needs. The other day I woke up just really craving a lot of meat and eggs. So I got myself three eggs and added some bacon, turkey, spinach, tomatoes, onions, and mushrooms. Normally I only go with two eggs and just vegetables but today just felt different. And then it hit me. For the last couple days I was mainly eating a lot of carbs and fats but not enough protein and this craving was just my body's way of telling me that. Because in the end of the day, your body knows what it needs to function and know when to start and stop much better than any particular diet or lifestyle. We just lose sight of that by either not listening or by forcing it to do something otherwise. 

Finally, I was able to do all of this without feeling guilty or feeling the need to binge. Normally, after a day like this, I would find myself feeling bloated and feeling the need to restrict. I'm finally getting my appetite back. I would also see a day like this as a "cheat day" of sorts and try to eat "clean" just out of habit without much conscious thought. But today, I feel genuinely satified with my food choices and I don't feel too full nor do I find myself reacting badly to any of these foods. That's another thing, if you restrict certain foods for too long, it can impact your gut bacteria causing you to react weirdly when those foods get reintroduced into your diet. But if you eat a good variety of meals, you're likely to have a good diversity of gut bacteria which can help against or alleviate food sensitivities. 

All in all, today was a really good day for me when it comes to my relationship with food and I feel like I reached a milestone. I'm so glad I'm eating like a normal person again.

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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