How do you make JUST ONE FRIEND

[Cathal]

I think I really need to learn how to make a friend at this point, or someone that I can build any type of relationship, friendship, anything. I'm 24 now

It's really hitting me during this spiritual work, that I need to at least bring these boundaries (such as not trusting, sceptisism, pain, abandonment) to surface and I really need the mirror to do this. It's extremely hard to do alone.

My lack of compassion is really killing me at this point, my day to day is unbearable. Like I have never had one in my life, not really a friend. I had no one to lean back on/talk about during being in my abusive household growing up, getting bullied by 20+ people. 

Idk man, I have no idea how to deal with this shit. I have a therapist but it's like, not a friend. We surface stuff up but it's like maybe once a month it's not enough.

I'm like a very emotional sensitive guy who has a lot of compassion, like an odd amount. I care about everything but I can't feel it anymore, it's like my soul was crushed by the world. 

How do I make friends? Where do I look for people? Every time  I looked I never found anyone. Idk how to do it

[JayySur]

I can sense that you still have much attachments in your reality. Don’t worry, I do too. 

I recommend this video. It has great insights, and also gets to the deeper root of why you and I feel “antisocial”. 
 

 

[asifarahim]

Ur first friendship process will defenetily suck.so i recommend  going for a person similar to u.beware that mainstream men are hyperrational and will always think what i get from this friendship.

Read 

1) how to win friends and influence people

Read all lession on how to make people like u and fundementals.

Also another book which focuse on dealing with woman but can be applied to men =models by mark monson.i have no experience with this books . but its concepts like nonneediness are  good.

 

Now u need to lower your expectations.do not go for the most popular people .instead go after people suffering like u.the former will treat u like shit while latter will treat u like another guy

.but u will fed up of people because they are all after something from u and if u are honest u will hate it.sadly good people are very low 

 

If u r crippling from deep loneliness and u have meditation habit and still wanna socialise go ahead

 

U have many intrests .there are people who share your similar intrest. Ex u like boxing.then join a boxing gym which is a opertunity for socialisation

 

Also what u need to understand is that u should always have defence against evil people and all the devilry.this defence is called machiavellianism and it has a steep learning curve.

 

Think of it like a process.work on your social skills .and u will meet people.below and on your level.as u level up u will meet people belonging to that level.take it like a 10 year project.ofcourse u will get frienda within 4 years if u start your work today.

 

Pickup artist and players are born because of crippling powerlessness 

Edited August 11, 2021 by asifarahim

[Windappreciator]

You can start by looking online within your interest fields.

Edited August 11, 2021 by Windappreciator

[tsuki]

 

[mandyjw]

 I would take a much lighter approach. I'd look to volunteer my time and foster my own interests. When you're on the lookout to meet interesting people it makes activities even more fun because not only are you there because you're passionate about the cause or enjoying the activity, but you're also interested in the people around you too. You already have something to connect over, a shared interest. This is healing in itself. First just appreciate casual connections with people. Sometimes if we're too fixated on the lack of the close deeper relationship we miss the beauty in casual interactions, and it's always from these that deeper connections form.

Also, here's the thing, if you think you NEED someone as a mirror, all you'll get mirrored back is that need. The mirror is a given. Follow your loves, passions and interests and it will be mirrored back to you. 

[tsuki]

18 hours ago, catcat69123 said:

It's really hitting me during this spiritual work, that I need to at least bring these boundaries (such as not trusting, sceptisism, pain, abandonment) to surface and I really need the mirror to do this. It's extremely hard to do alone.

Also, you don't want a friend. You want a therapist.

There is no road from zero rapport to people giving you effort and listening to your pain to help you. Even people that you've been with for years are usually afraid of doing that. Just find a therapist and pay him to do it. It's like a professional friend that will actually support you and mirror your shadows to you consciously.

[mandyjw]

10 minutes ago, tsuki said:

There is no road from zero rapport to people giving you effort and listening to your pain to help you.

Except on the internet. 

[tsuki]

4 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Except on the internet. 

We're all strangers on the internet, so it's not the same thing.

[Nahm]

18 hours ago, catcat69123 said:

I have a therapist but it's like, not a friend. We surface stuff up but it's like maybe once a month it's not enough.

Go more often. Multiple times a week. Have exercises of expression & communication (and whatever also the therapist recommends) lined up for in between sessions too, and review how it went with the therapist. Engage in a transmutative activity. Anything creative & expressive. Writing, drawing, carving, painting, sculpting, singing, playing an instrument, acting classes, gardening, anything creative & expressive.  

I wouldn’t try to compare the therapeutic relationship with a friend relationship & expect them to be similar. Therapy can get intimate in inspection & expression, but a therapist remaining more objective is to your benefit, to help you see things in different & new ways. Very generally speaking, friends are unaware of deflection, projection, transference, transmutation, etc, and inadvertently feed into codependency, enablement, etc. 

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I'm like a very emotional sensitive guy who has a lot of compassion, like an odd amount.

That’s not ‘odd’, it’s cause you’re sincere & you’re a truly an awesome person. You actually care. That is the rarest ‘thing’ on this planet. Never belittle or degrade it. Be careful who you compare yourself with, you never know what there inner world is really like. Best not to entertain comparative thoughts at all really. 

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I care about everything but I can't feel it anymore, it's like my soul was crushed by the world. 

You are feeling… just, a lot of what’s coming up & out doesn’t feel so great. Keep letting it out, keep letting go of what does not resonate with you now. You’ll find as you go that you are less ‘in the past’, and more present… less suffering & more happiness. 

Therapy, expression, etc. It’ll all help the emptying out of all which doesn’t resonate or serve you. What remains is the beautiful, loving, joyful, you. I so that you, and only that you, right now. There are others who do as well, and you will to, and you will feel much more of ‘it’, and it is Good.  

You are not your thoughts, you are not your problems. You will heal, this too will pass. Stay strong, have faith. 

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How do I make friends? Where do I look for people? Every time  I looked I never found anyone. Idk how to do it

Sites like Meetup.com are an easy way. Friendship is easiest with common interests. Keep the therapy with the therapist, look to friendships & activities for simple purposeless fun. For outlet, engagement, etc. 

Wishing you the best! ? ♥️ 

[Cathal]

@asifarahim it's like.. hmm, the loneliness i cannot consciously feel it's more like.. the behaviors developed now, that i isolated myself when in social situations i tend to tremor a lot, shake a lot, sweat stuff like that then reaaaally puts me off from putting myself out their. but i just KNOW i have to just do this, some way somehow

 it's like my body just goes into freeze expecting to be abused so it's really like fucking hell quite the resistance to what i'm trying to do man, i can't change it. it's really autonomous

i can meet girls and be comfortable but it's usually using dating apps and shit, it's much much harder for me to meet strangers that are meeting for the sake of just hanging out, that thought cripples me

i'm actually terrified of  meeting such people because i feel like after  so many years of wearing a mask (and the as i said physiological consquences of that) 

whenever i showed my true side i would condemned cause it's a bit eccentric you know? especially in the town i grew up holy fuk.

thanks, yeah. well i'm pretty determined to open up to someone but i guess i still have a lot of work to do with the fear of not being understood, i wonder will it further add to the trauma. maybe some more work on myself as a whole will help pull the weight of off making friends and physically going to places with them instead of the comfort of the internet

[Cathal]

@mandyjw   "Sometimes if we're too fixated on the lack of the close deeper relationship we miss the beauty in casual interactions, and it's always from these that deeper connections form."

yeah this is very much true, i find it so hard to appreciate casual things you know? i have lacked connection, i really never knew it or experienced it my whole life but i feel the lack as if something was never right, it's definitely just the way my parents raised me and the fucked up family i was in, so i always as i see it now was very unconsciously driven to find deep connection but i never did. 

so i think actually i probs just dismissed most connections that were inbetween nothing and everything, or casual stuff. still, the longing is actually a part of disconnecting from my self really. do you think a person must work on themselves to a point? i don't know i hesitate to say i feel this isn't so normal, to have this much pressure. even the thought of just hanging out with strangers makes me tremor like what the fuk, it cripples me. the anxiety is just like holy shit, the amount of things i need to let go of being bullied so much. 

i think perhaps i need to work on myself more ( and that bullying stuff) but i can't figure out if that's a copout or the truth of it

[mandyjw]

52 minutes ago, catcat69123 said:

i have lacked connection, i really never knew it or experienced it my whole life but i feel the lack as if something was never right,

So it helps to contemplate what connection really is. Sometimes we mistake thinking for connection, so we actually connect with being disconnected. Sometimes rather than noticing that we're "not connected, not connected" we just have to disconnect from the feeling that we are disconnected. Sounds stupid, but it's sort of profound. In practice, when you're feeling disconnected, drop the thought and focus on breathing or look at the sky or something interesting in the room, etc. It's a total flip of perspective, we're rewriting the story. More disconnection, yay! 

52 minutes ago, catcat69123 said:

i don't know i hesitate to say i feel this isn't so normal, to have this much pressure. even the thought of just hanging out with strangers makes me tremor like what the fuk, it cripples me. the anxiety is just like holy shit, the amount of things i need to let go of being bullied so much. 

I've dealt with oddly strong social anxiety as well. What helped in every case was just going along with what I did love. My extreme shyness as a teenager was not what I focused on. Instead I focused on the business I wanted to build and I started doing events where I got to sit down behind some work that I was proud of and talk about what I loved to do with people who were interested as well. The shyness just wasn't present. My parents were shocked. It was like I had had a personality transplant. Salesmanship, they passed it off as. No, I was just focused on what I loved and wanted. 

52 minutes ago, catcat69123 said:

but i can't figure out if that's a copout or the truth of it

It's not really an either or thing. Healing happens when we least expect it, when we are not focused so much on being the wounded one but instead enjoying life. If you've got a bad cut, clean it out and put a bandage over it to protect it. If it hurts to poke at a wound, stop poking it, let it heal. I once got an infected ear piercing because I was so paranoid about it getting infected that I put alcohol on it everyday which didn't allow it to ever heal. So often we come at our issues this way. Wise, timely attention to issues is warranted, but also sometimes letting it go and just enjoying life is fully warranted too. ❤ 

Edited August 11, 2021 by mandyjw

[NoSelfSelf]

Exposing yourself to social gatherings or looking for people online for your area of interest...going through the fear you will find friends more easily than you think now...

[Mu_]

@catcat69123 What do you like and enjoy?  maybe look for others who enjoy the same thing in a group setting.  Meetup.com is a good place for such.  Then just start with some small talk and go from there, sometimes you may find one or two people who'd like to go hang out sometime and from there friendship can develope.

[Alysssa]

1- Be kind and friendly but don't chase after people, I think that the best friendships come naturally.

2- Do what you like to do and go to places where there are people who have the same interests as you.

3- Start from being the best friend of yourself, sounds cliché but it's very important. the person's relationship with himself is the most important relationship one can have in life.

 

Edited August 12, 2021 by Alysssa