Raphael

Is It Too Immoral to Break with my Family in this Situation?

14 posts in this topic

I need some opinions here.

I'm 24 years old, I work from home and live with my family. I make enough money to sustain myself so I can move out if I want, but I only have some concerns when it comes to my family.

My grandma is 90 years old, she is blind, cannot hear, cannot move properly, has lost most of her mental faculties, and she from time to time explode in emotional crisis. My mom is the one who takes care of her most of the time. My dad is a 70 years old racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. man who speaks loudly all the time, gives a lot of orders, and insults everyone all day long. It's not possible to rationalize with him. My mom is a 66 years old woman and the only sane person but I see that my grandma and my dad are draining her emotionally. We have animals: hens and four dogs. There's a lot of noise every day as we live close to the street, as we have animals, and as my dad is very loud and doesn't respect the need for silence for other members.

When it comes to me, I most of the time self-isolate in my room to avoid the drama and provide a bit of help when it comes to the animals. I'm personally very sensitive to noises and I'm really starting to get sick of this situation and feel the need to move out. But at the same time, I feel that I have a bit of collective responsibility. My parents aren't going to die if I move out, they are just going to get a bit more work. They have the money that they need, so they aren't big financial issues, but they are old and getting older.

I understand the necessity to help each other and take care of each others, but there's a difference between living in a dysfunctional environment and helping dysfunctional people. Sometimes, I feel that all these stage Green values are going to fly out the window and that I'm going to run out of this house. I currently feel the need to become ultra selfish, care only about myself, and let my family fall down.

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10 minutes ago, Raphael said:

I need some opinions here.

I'm 24 years old, I work from home and live with my family. I make enough money to sustain myself so I can move out if I want, but I only have some concerns when it comes to my family.

My grandma is 90 years old, she is blind, cannot hear, cannot move properly, has lost most of her mental faculties, and she from time to time explode in emotional crisis. My mom is the one who takes care of her most of the time. My dad is a 70 years old racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. man who speaks loudly all the time, gives a lot of orders, and insults everyone all day long. It's not possible to rationalize with him. My mom is a 66 years old woman and the only sane person but I see that my grandma and my dad are draining her emotionally. We have animals: hens and four dogs. There's a lot of noise every day as we live close to the street, as we have animals, and as my dad is very loud and doesn't respect the need for silence for other members.

When it comes to me, I most of the time self-isolate in my room to avoid the drama and provide a bit of help when it comes to the animals. I'm personally very sensitive to noises and I'm really starting to get sick of this situation and feel the need to move out. But at the same time, I feel that I have a bit of collective responsibility. My parents aren't going to die if I move out, they are just going to get a bit more work. They have the money that they need, so they aren't big financial issues, but they are old and getting older.

I understand the necessity to help each other and take care of each others, but there's a difference between living in a dysfunctional environment and helping dysfunctional people. Sometimes, I feel that all these stage Green values are going to fly out the window and that I'm going to run out of this house. I currently feel the need to become ultra selfish, care only about myself, and let my family fall down.

So what’s the question dude? I’m a little confused 

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You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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Move out

Visit them

Help them when you can

Good luck

 

Arc

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@Raphael

Just move out, Raphael.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

 

Thanks. 

Didn't even realize how much this was bothering me. 

I guess I should be grateful it's only one person. 

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@Raphael you can stay away from them and still be able to help them. 

Stay away for your sanity. They don't deserve your presence. 

I don't know which parent is Indian 

 


 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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The question is if you are not going to move out now, when will you? It's not like the situation is going to change any time soon. 

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Posted (edited)

Have you considered that what you think is ultra selfish might somehow mysteriously be the best solution for everyone? Put how you feel first, no matter what the decision or outcome. That means dropping thoughts of being selfish. It also means that if you do stay and when you do help them, do it from love rather than obligation or stuckness. Parents think that they want their kids to do what they want, but they've just forgotten that at their core they really want their kids to be happy first and foremost.

The energy to deal with what needs to be done comes when we drop resistant, reluctant, resentful thoughts. In other words, it's easier to do a task by yourself than to do it while you watch someone else you think should be helping instead refuse to help you and add on a layer of anger and resentfulness to the task itself. It's also easier to make a decision when we choose from inspiration rather than frustration. Expecting and being expected to help is a kind of attitudinal self-imposed slavery. If you stay do it because you really want to. There may be others ways to lessen their work load that you haven't thought of or that they haven't thought of, even if you leave. 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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To spend very much time at one location or with same people, whoever they are, can often be unhealthy if not balanced.

Be away from home maybe are problematic during pandemic there you live.

I dont know your circumstances during this situation and pandemic you have, so there are easy to try give advice that not are suitable for the moment.

 

To be able have a pause from day-to-day environments, thru leave home for work or activities have for many been changed.

So, work from home and be home and live home and stay home, are maybe in the end a bit to much home.

On top on that, be around other people that also might be home in a new way and reasons.

 

If not able walk away and instead run from a problem, can give new problem,

 

 

Do you really have to be home all the time or do feel as an traitor when not home and are helpful?

 

Buy an caravan maybe or stay at another location part time, find out a reason to have your own time or space, away from home and the intense home atmosphere might start look different with new fresh perspective's and home will maybe not feel that dysfunctional, the group dynamic and attitude at home might change as well after a while.

 

Balance and boundaries? 

 

The Teacher Called Suffering | Eckhart Tolle Teachings

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq5PokNFSgs

 

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Posted (edited)

You owe your life to your mother. Now she is who needs your help to deal with the 90yo grandma and the tyrant father. help your mother all you can until the grandma dies, that will be probably soon. Then your mother will be less overwhelmed and you can go to live your life in other place.

Think of this as a sacrifice, your family needs help now.

I'm in a job I hate, living in my mother's flat with motherfuker noisy neighbours that never let me sleep.

But I'm saving all the money to have my own house, this is my sacrifice, accepting shit conditions to have a better future.

Edited by Rajneeshpuram

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Posted (edited)

@mandyjw @DIDego @Rajneeshpuram

I got a lot of good answers previously but they unfortunately got deleted since the data loss. Also, an incident happened just after I created this thread that is now allowing me to move out with more peace of mind.

Thanks for your answers.

Edited by Raphael

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@Raphael 👍 Good luck!


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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