Is it bad that I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship?

[soos_mite_ah]

Sometimes I feel shame around waiting or that I'm asking for too much to take it slow physically, as if it makes me naive and childish to wait. I have reasons why I want to wait that are completely secular and that have to do with my physical and emotional needs. I know that I should honor those needs and that my boundaries are supposed to keep me safe inside rather than impress people on the outside. But sometimes I have my insecurities creep up and I can't help but think that there is something wrong with me for not wanting to engage in casual sex (I don't think it's healthy for me personally but I don't judge people who do have sex casually) or that I drive people away because of this need. Also, as I get older, there is a part of me that feels like I'm weird because I decided to wait. 

This seems rather silly and I know that probably I know better but I also just want to express myself so that I can just get this off my chest.  

Edited April 12, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[intotheblack]

No it’s not bad at all. You do whatever you feel comfortable with.
 
The only thing I would say though is that if you wait until you are in a committed relationship, and then have sex, you might find out you aren’t sexually compatible. From experience I’ve found that the dynamic changes after sex. Sometimes my feelings changed and I didn’t want to sleep with them again, even though we got on great before. 

I find it’s better to hang out, talk for a while, maybe kiss. You can do things without having intercourse to determine the compatibility. 

make it known upfront that you are looking for a relationship, and not casual sex.. You keep your boundaries secure, and weed out the ones who are only after sex. 

You could end up in a awkward situation if you become committed before sex..

 

Edited April 12, 2021 by intotheblack

[soos_mite_ah]

16 minutes ago, intotheblack said:

The only thing I would say though is that if you wait until you are in a committed relationship, and then have sex, you might find out you aren’t sexually compatible. From experience I’ve found that the dynamic changes after sex. Sometimes my feelings changed and I didn’t want to sleep with them again, even though we got on great before. 

This is likely my own lack of experience talking but I don't see the necessity of sexual compatibility to a healthy relationship. I get the need to have similar sex drives but other than that, I simply don't get it. Shouldn't it be enough to be communicative with what you want and need and be able to empathize and be openminded with the other person's desires? 

As a virgin, I don't really see the big deal with sex tbh. I'm aware that this is going to sound short sighted but sometimes sex seems like this superficial want rather than a need. I can get that sex is really important for some people, but I don't think that's a wide spread necessity if that makes sense. 

Also, how does the dynamic change after sex? I'm a little confused about that. 

[intotheblack]

7 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

This is likely my own lack of experience talking but I don't see the necessity of sexual compatibility to a healthy relationship. I get the need to have similar sex drives but other than that, I simply don't get it. Shouldn't it be enough to be communicative with what you want and need and be able to empathize and be openminded with the other person's desires?

ok well usually, there would be some sexual desire and attraction in the beginning, but what I'm talking about is more a feeling or energy that makes you have good sex.  Sometimes that just isn't there, but you don't know until you have sex.  The communication, open mindedness etc comes as the relationship progresses.  Of course you could talk about everything first, and see if you have the same views on things.  sex drive is basically what I mean by being sexually compatible, both being on the same level.

12 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

As a virgin, I don't really see the big deal with sex tbh. I'm aware that this is going to sound short sighted but sometimes sex seems like this superficial want rather than a need. I can get that sex is really important for some people, but I don't think that's a wide spread necessity if that makes sense.

yeah, and for the most part it is superficial and needy, and sex brings that side out of people.  What you can do though is look for a partner who doesn't have a such a high sex drive, who you are on the same level as..someone who is more interested in emotional connection and intimacy.  In the beginning of a relationship there will usually be more sex, but as you become more intimate and close that need for sex all the time diminishes.  relationships can be built on intimacy alone, it just depends on the guy and if they are around your age they will probs be highly sexual.  Sex should be fun though.  But of course, nobody needs to have sex in a relationship, it totally depends on the wants and needs of each partner. 

26 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Also, how does the dynamic change after sex?

 It's hard to explain.  but you might see them in a different light lol like for example say you talk to someone for a while and you talk about sex and all sorts of things, then some kind of fantasy is built up in your mind, but then after sex something changes and it wasn't what you expected. It could make your feelings change.  It's possible though that everything would work out.  but it's rare that the first person you have sex with will be a long term partner, but who knows.  I'm older and made already many mistakes with guys, you seem to have your head more screwed on than I did back then, so i'm sure whatever you choose will be right for you. 

also, it totally depends on you as a person and what type of attachment style you have going on.  I was avoidant when I first started dating at age 18 and had fear of getting close  (although I didn't know that at the time)

[Preety_India]

Having Sex outside of a committed relationship is called cheating.. And I don't support that. 

Just my 2 cents. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

56 minutes ago, intotheblack said:

 It's hard to explain.  but you might see them in a different light lol like for example say you talk to someone for a while and you talk about sex and all sorts of things, then some kind of fantasy is built up in your mind, but then after sex something changes and it wasn't what you expected. It could make your feelings change.  

Ok that makes sense. I have encountered this on an emotional level where I caught myself liking the idea of someone rather than the person themselves and then when you go on a couple dates with them, you are hit with the reality and realize that yall aren't compatible. Even if you think the person is perfectly fine, they might not be a good fit for you and that's ok. There isn't anything wrong with you or them.

56 minutes ago, intotheblack said:

 In the beginning of a relationship there will usually be more sex, but as you become more intimate and close that need for sex all the time diminishes.  relationships can be built on intimacy alone, it just depends on the guy and if they are around your age they will probs be highly sexual.  Sex should be fun though.  But of course, nobody needs to have sex in a relationship, it totally depends on the wants and needs of each partner. 

That's kind of why I tend to see sexual compatibility as a lower priority and more like a bonus rather than a necessity. Because after a while, the lust diminishes or you go through phases in a relationship where it's higher and lower. Then what are you left with? That's the attitude that I come at this from. 

And this might sound contradictory but I consider myself as someone who has a higher than average sex drive (based on talking with friends but I don't know how accurate that would be tbh). Even though I haven't had it yet, I have tried to explore what my fantasies are and what physically makes me feel good by myself. I know this about myself but to me it isn't so crucial to where I'd be uncomfortable with the idea of getting with someone with a lower sex drive if that makes sense. I guess for me personally I have more room for compromise and that's why it doesn't seem like as big of a deal. But there are a couple things here and there that I don't feel comfortable compromising on (like I don't feel comfortable with violent forms of bdsm, anything super extreme, or having sex without a build up of emotional intimacy). So I guess tastes come into play. But even then it goes back to the whole. thing with priorities.

56 minutes ago, intotheblack said:

Sex should be fun though.  But of course, nobody needs to have sex in a relationship, it totally depends on the wants and needs of each partner. 

And that's the thing with priorities, sometimes I feel that as I get older, sex is starting to feel more of an expectation because of the peer pressure surrounding it. Then that feeling of obligation takes a lot of the passion away imo.

 Whenever I tell guys that I'm looking to wait I get one of the following reactions: 

• Positive constructive: This guy respects my boundaries and sees me being a virgin as something neutral. He isn't shaming me or fetishizing me.
• Positive nonconstructive: This guy fetishizes my virginity and likes to have control over inexperienced women. He also slut shames other women with experience or feels intimidated by them. He may or may not be religious. Either way, he is creepy and cringey. 
• Negative constructive: This guy respects my boundaries but sex and having an experienced partner is important to him for healthy reasons whether its because he is afraid of a power imbalance with being much more experienced compared to me, he wants to explore his sexuality with someone with more experience, or that sex is really important to him in a relationship. He and I are coming from different places and he respects that difference as well as his own desires/needs so he politely rejects me because we are looking for different things. He is pretty nonjudgmental. 
• Negative nonconstructive: Sex is really important to this guy. There is nothing wrong with that but the problem comes when he doesn't respect my boundaries and is judgmental. He might shame me for being a virgin by calling me religious, prude, boring etc. He might pressure me or try to change my mind to sleep with him by pulling cheap tricks. Or he will be offended and tell me that I'm an ugly whore anyway. Basically he will exhibit a lot of creepy and cringey behavior. 

The constructive responses, whether they be positive or negative, don't really bother me. The nonconstructive responses make me uncomfortable, positive or negative. The negative nonconstructive responses consist of a large chunk of the responses I get and I guess thats where I get some of my shame and insecurity from regarding what I want in a relationship. I guess after a while, it feels really disheartening when someone's priorities are different from yours AND they shame you or make you feel like there is something wrong with you. The difference isn't what bothers me, we are all allowed to have different needs, priorities, desires etc. but it's about the shaming and getting defensive. 

I guess in order to find someone who is sexually compatible with me, I need to stick to my authentic boundaries of not wanting to have sex before really getting to know someone and being comfortable with discussing things before such things happen. The person I'm compatible with will respect my boundaries without it overstepping his boundaries. 

Edited April 12, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

43 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Having Sex outside of a committed relationship is called cheating.. And I don't support that. 

Just my 2 cents. 

I mean I was talking about having casual sex, one night stands, or friends with benefits when you aren't in a committed relationship, not being in a committed relationship and having sex with other people outside of that relationship. 

[Preety_India]

16 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I mean I was talking about having casual sex, one night stands, or friends with benefits when you aren't in a committed relationship, not being in a committed relationship and having sex with other people outside of that relationship. 

LOL the title.. 

[LastThursday]

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

As a virgin, I don't really see the big deal with sex tbh.

Do you think that your ambivalence is at the root of your insecurity around sex? I guess I would ask myself: do I really want to have sex, am I really that bothered? If the answer is no, then I'd put my mental energies elsewhere, and let yourself off the hook. If yes, then get on with it in some fashion that suits you most and don't look back.

I will add, that sex is different with each person, sometimes very different. Sometimes amazing, sometimes crap. To a certain degree, you will improve over time, but there's no accounting for the other person.

[soos_mite_ah]

6 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

Do you think that your ambivalence is at the root of your insecurity around sex?

I'd say so. But I think when it comes to my insecurities regarding my ambivalence around sex, it's more of how that ambivalence is interpreted and whether or not that is reasonable or makes me desirable in someone's eyes. I know it's rather superficial, silly, and not healthy to want to conform what feels authentic to get approval from others but I see this bubbling up and I wanted to discuss this and see what else I uncover. 

I really want to get into a relationship with someone and dating has been a mess when it comes to finding a person I'm compatible with to the point where sometimes I feel the temptation to change myself because I think that there is something wrong with me, my desires, my needs, and my standards. I know that's not something that I should do because my own sense of integrity and authenticity is important to me and so is my emotional health. It would be incredibly misleading to conform myself to something I'm not just to get with someone and that would lead to an even bigger mess.  

[mandyjw]

The better you get at seperating out what your true, authentic desire is in this VERY moment, from the thoughts trying to judge yourself for not meeting expectations and "shoulds" based on your limited obsesrvations of others around you, the happier and more at peace you'll be in life regardless of any choices or circumstances. Becoming good at tuning in with this connection with your true inner desire (which is a feeling, not a decision or thought), makes decisions when they appear in the moment easy, clear and spontaneous and allows us to let go of self judgment and thinking of decisions that don't need to be made right now, because they can't be made right now. 

[LastThursday]

41 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

It would be incredibly misleading to conform myself to something I'm not just to get with someone and that would lead to an even bigger mess.

You definitely shouldn't just conform if it goes against your values.

To a certain degree it's a numbers game like it or not. Ultimately, you will find someone that ticks all the boxes or most of them. The higher the bar of perfection, the more people you will have to meet before you find that perfect person. It seems like there's an element here that isn't to do with sex at all, but more to do with compatibility? It's really a two sided conversation with each new partner, you both have to be compatible with each other's needs and values.  Not all values are equal and some you may be willing to bend on if everything else fits.

Edited April 12, 2021 by LastThursday

[Etherial Cat]

@soos_mite_ah

There is nothing wrong with you . I know very well the dilemma you're talking about as I've experienced it myself.

For us women, it takes a special man to inspire an intense desire for merging in a physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual level. The sex we can have with such a man will be far over the mediocre stuff we could get with an average dude. The man who has casted its spell on us will literally be able to take us where no one else can. 

That said, you could also theoretically go for emotionally less satisfying, physical oriented pounding if you're getting tired to wait. In that case, you can compromise and get something "lesser". A guy you find attractive, someone you've grown fond of overtime or something in between. Or maybe someone you're not sure about but who give you some butterflies. Also, having sex with an infatuation can also surely take you rather far (until the mind filter vanish and you're left with an incompatible frog). 

To be honest, most people are consciously or unconsciously in the range I've just described, unfortunately.

Real intimacy and quality love making is rare. Because it requires a great fit.  And finding your great fit is hella rare. 

Most people are oblivious to what is possible in this domain because they are quite unconscious and settle for the mediocre unconscious standard of sex. That said, they can enjoy good sex because they can find people who resonate with them and resonance brings connection. Also, a lot of people are getting off from a form of sex that is based on ego trauma, which can feel very satisfying. This is why you'll find so many fucked up stuff on porn website, btw. 

In your case, it seems like you're too conscious to find a match which resonates with you easily. It's the problem of many isolated conscious people. I would suggest you to spend more time in high green, or yellow communities to find a suitable partner.

 

[intotheblack]

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

That's kind of why I tend to see sexual compatibility as a lower priority and more like a bonus rather than a necessity. Because after a while, the lust diminishes or you go through phases in a relationship where it's higher and lower. Then what are you left with? That's the attitude that I come at this from.

Yeah of course!  It shouldn’t be based on sex alone. Ideally you would have both good sex & relationship. For longevity a good relationship with deep emotional intimacy is more important.  Just having good sex won’t last long term without intimacy. But bonding and intimacy is something that builds over time, a strong relationship may not be plain sailing in the beginning it has to be worked at.   Many relationships don’t make it past the uncertainty and rockiness at the start. 
My relationships always began with some kind of emotional connection first, whether it was having same interests or having a similar sense of humour, or being around eachother a lot. It didn’t always happen that we would have sex, maybe it would even fizzle out before that point. In my mid 20s I had a few almost serious relationships that lasted a few months, eventually running their course. Usually it would happen that i would want something more with them but they didn’t and vice versa, so it would end.  Or, as I mentioned before after sleeping with them the fantasy was shattered, lol... so I would be having good emotional connections with the guy in the beginning, but then the sex wasn’t very good.

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

guess in order to find someone who is sexually compatible with me, I need to stick to my authentic boundaries of not wanting to have sex before really getting to know someone and being comfortable with discussing things before such things happen. The person I'm compatible with will respect my boundaries without it overstepping his boundaries. 

as long as you know what you want the right person will come. But also, no matter how much thinking and logic you bring into it, none of it will matter once you meet someone you have some real attraction for.  You never know who you might meet, and maybe everything else will go out the window
 

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

But there are a couple things here and there that I don't feel comfortable compromising on (like I don't feel comfortable with violent forms of bdsm, anything super extreme, or having sex without a build up of emotional intimacy).

I think in general it’s unlikely you will cross paths with people who are into violent bdsm, unless you yourself are into that or have some trauma.. and it’s something you would be aware of early on, especially if you talk about sex first. You probably won’t attract that type of a partner anyway if it’s not what you are into. 

Edited April 12, 2021 by intotheblack

[universe]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

The better you get at seperating out what your true, authentic desire is in this VERY moment, from the thoughts trying to judge yourself for not meeting expectations and "shoulds" based on your limited obsesrvations of others around you, the happier and more at peace you'll be in life regardless of any choices or circumstances. Becoming good at tuning in with this connection with your true inner desire (which is a feeling, not a decision or thought), makes decisions when they appear in the moment easy, clear and spontaneous and allows us to let go of self judgment and thinking of decisions that don't need to be made right now, because they can't be made right now. 

I agree, if you already planned your sex schedule before going on a date you are thinking too much and are likely neurotic about it. Sex is not something you plan, you have to be in the mood for it! Now if a deep emotional connection and security is needed for you to get in the mood I get that and it's totally normal.

Maybe instead of saying "I plan to wait" just say you are not in the mood, if the topic comes up or if he makes a move. If it doesn't come up don't talk about it.

[soos_mite_ah]

6 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

Also, having sex with an infatuation can also surely take you rather far (until the mind filter vanish and you're left with an incompatible frog). 

Yeah that is something that I try to be careful about lmao. 

Sure there are times that I catch myself getting impatient and I want to just get it over with but I try to recenter myself so that I don't impulsively do something I actually don't want to do and end up having a bunch of regrets. I mean, I want my first time to be nice lol and to me that means having some degree of commitment and emotional intimacy. To me that's a higher priority than acting on impulse. I don't think I would even enjoy it if I went on a whim and decided to have sex with anyone who was willing. 

6 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

In your case, it seems like you're too conscious to find a match which resonates with you easily. It's the problem of many isolated conscious people. I would suggest you to spend more time in high green, or yellow communities to find a suitable partner.

There is that too. Sometimes I find myself getting tempted to lower my standards out of impatience. Deep down I want a guy who is pretty conscious but then my scarcity mindset kicks in and is like "you know, men are sexual and visual creatures and if you keep up what you're doing whether it's your standards and boundaries, you're just going to wind up alone because lets be real you're asking for a lot and that's a tall order to fill considering what's out there. Get over yourself and accept this truth about men. The only reason why you don't want to accept this harsh truth is because it doesn't serve your survival agenda." TBH I always knew this was the voice of insecurity and anxiety but after writing this out it becomes even more blatant. Part of me thinks that I've been on here too much so there is that......

On one hand, this method has caused me to be single for 21 years and thus resulted in a lot of pent up emotional thirstiness but on the other hand, it has caused me to avoid a lot of unnecessary risks, heart break, and messy situations because I have been sticking to my standards from the beginning and that peace of mind is priceless imo. 

 

5 hours ago, intotheblack said:

I think in general it’s unlikely you will cross paths with people who are into violent bdsm, unless you yourself are into that or have some trauma.. and it’s something you would be aware of early on, especially if you talk about sex first. You probably won’t attract that type of a partner anyway if it’s not what you are into. 

I feel like BDSM is becoming more and more normalized due to the internet and porn to where it's almost seen as unusual if you don't like it at least a little rough. Vanilla shaming is becoming more and more common.  The BDSM test online is basically and edgy personality test at this point lol. 

There is this video that I found that talks about this trend and analyzes it in more detail that is really interesting

 

Edited April 13, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[Bando]

Not a woman so you can take my opinion with a grain of salt but after talking to some of my past partners, female friends, and other couples who've been in long term relationships they all agree that a girl should have a "hoe phases."

They way they explained it was that chasing the bad boys and the players teaches them how to be more confident in their body and views on sex in general, but realize they are emotionally unreliable and not a practical option long term. Women who surpress this side of themselves usually have these insecurities show up in their relationships especially if their inexperienced and can lead to cheating. You dont have to sleep with like 20 dudes but maybe have a year or two were you just explore your options, (if your not in realtionship)

 

[soos_mite_ah]

1 minute ago, Bando said:

They way they explained it was that chasing the bad boys and the players teaches them how to be more confident in their body and views on sex in general, but realize they are emotionally unreliable and not a practical option long term.

But I already know this. I'm not even attracted to bad boys or players because I saw through their games pretty early on. If anything, I'm repulsed by them. I'm all for having a "hoe phase" and exploring my sexuality, but I want to do that with someone that I care about and trust. It doesn't have to be a long term relationship, personally I want more of a committed fling/ short term committed relationship since I don't feel ready for a long term relationship but I still want to explore. The thing is that I want to explore with the right person. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok this is just me venting at this point but sometimes I wonder if all of my needs and desires, including wanting to be in a committed relationship before having sex, is some type of dumb survival game that I need to transcend and get over in order to mature and actualize. I know having my boundaries are important but I have this voice in my head that says "stop being selfish and closed off and go and do things out side of your comfort zone. It's all survival and all survival is selfish, evil, and false, get over yourself."  I'm really hesitant to listen to this voice because it doesn't sound reasonable and could yield to negative consequences because it's pushing me to do things that I don't want to and I'm not ready for. 

I think I've been on here for too long and that I'm misconstruing teachings and internalizing them in an unhealthy way because I'm not ready for some teachings as far as my self development goes . 

[Gili Trawangan]

You're overthinking this.

Go on dates with no pressure and have fun (be honest that you like to take things slow).

Some guys will not want to wait and stop pursuing (let them go).

Of the ones who keep pursuing, after you feel somewhat comfortable with one (and attracted), let your emotions lead you where they will. If they lead you to sex, no regrets, even if it doesn't play out the way you expected.

If they don't lead you to sex, no regrets, it wasn't meant to be.

When too much thinking is going on, there's nothing like letting your emotions take the wheel for a bit - within reason, if that makes sense.

[OceanRiver]

@soos_mite_ah you're asking people that are socially conditioned to believe a certain position whether they can socially condition to help you believe whether or not its okay to want or not want to have sex either inside or outside a committed relationship? just checkin to see if I have you right