A reason to leave

[somegirl]

My bf and I have been together for over a year. We seem to get along effortlessly as two people, but there are problems that are on my mind that makes things hard and make me want to brekaup.

First is 11 years age gap between us (i'm 21, he's 32). I feel I am wasting his prime years. And his mother kinda wishes I was his age so he can get married so she's secretly unhappy about us (and so is my mother). And so am I, because I wished he was around my age. My plan was to date someone my age or a little bit older.  But it seems like this is only my problem because he tells me he is not wanting to get married soon and is willing to wait for me for a long long time until I am ready for marriage (and I am not anytime soon).

Another thing is that I am not satisfied or happy with sex and intimacy. I am scared of sex ever since I started being sexually active (scared of pregnancy and STD stories, which is my problem to solve) but I was especially scared ever since we found out my bf has herpes type 2. Right now, I feel like I just need to do it in order for "everything to be okay". But I don't deeply enjoy it. I dont enjoy sex life. 

I am deeply heartbroken right now. And so is he. And I feel bad even more to see him hurt. Especially because he didn't hurt me in any way to deserve this breakup.

What is your thought about this? I am currently emotional and cannot think straight. Maybe I'm making a mistake. 

 

[Chew211]

Sometimes things don't work out and it's no one's fault. It seems like you aren't fullfiled in this relationship, and as a result, neither will he. 

Longer this lasts, the worse it'll get.

Right now it seems you're holding onto the relationship out of fear. 

 

[RendHeaven]

Jesus Christ! I'm your age. I can't imagine being with someone 1.5x my age. That's really cool.

If you're not happy, break up. It's so simple.

I know you're going to feel like the villain. Your mind will spin stories about how you're harming him and he doesn't deserve it.

Do it anyway.

This is coming from someone who had his heart torn out and crushed.

But in hindsight, I see that she did what's best for both of us, and now I have nothing but gratitude for her.

[Michael569]

give yourself some time to process your feelings and come back to this in a week, maybe you will feel different. 

2 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

If you're not happy, break up. It's so simple.

I know you're going to feel like the villain. Your mind will spin stories about how you're harming him and he doesn't deserve it.

I agree with this. It may sound a bit rough but this sums it up, don't be in a relationship that makes you unhappy, you are too young to put up with such a thing, you only have one life. 

[somegirl]

@Chew211 @RendHeaven

Thanks guys. RendHeaven, I'm glad you don't hold grudges. Hope he won't too. 

@Michael569  Thanks. Maybe it's better to cool off and come back to it in a week. 

[Byun Sean]

@somegirl

Lets look at why you aren't ready for marriage.

What does marriage represent: Lifelong commitment.

 

So you aren't ready to commit. Why not? Well I would assume you are unhappy for one or more reasons with your relationship.

 

The reasons you listed in your post are a good start to shed some light here.

The goal here is to find what you are unsatisfied with in your current situation so you can see more clearly the right approach to resolving them:

 

-Unhappy with sex life-----> reason: fears of STD's and pregnancy. -------> ask yourself: What is your ideal sex life look like? Why can't you have that now?

Whats blocking you from that?

 

-age gap--------> reason: ???Judgement from his mother--------> ask yourself why you want someone your age rather than someone older? How do 

you expect that person who's around your age to make your situation different for you than the one you are currently in?

 

My advice to you is to pinpoint the precise set of reasons that  you are unhappy with your current situation. You are not selfish for wanting to 

make yourself happy. Everyone deserves happiness.

You may be able to solve them and move forward in your relationship or you may not.

Ex. Lets say you are unsatisfied with your sex life because you can't be comfortable and enjoy sex but you have fears around stds and preganancy instead.

Ok well then ask the question: What would my ideal sex life be like? Do I even want to have sex?

Lets say I want to have sex but be comfortable and free.

How can I make myself more comfortable and free during sex? What practices would allow me to work toward that new space of inner freedom 

and what external environment would support me in that end goal?

 

See so the goal here is simple.

1. Figure out what you want.

2. Find the blocks to it. --------->(Why can't you have that right now?)

3. Think up strategies on how your going to resolve those blocks to what you want. (It's 100 percent ok if the answer is to break up. It may even

be the best call depending upon the circumstance.)

 

 

 

[flowboy]

On 18-3-2021 at 0:38 PM, somegirl said:

I feel like I just need to do it in order for "everything to be okay". But I don't deeply enjoy it. I dont enjoy sex life.

This is no way to have a relationship. Sex is an important part of it, and if you don't enjoy that, then find a person with whom you do.

My gut feeling is that you are so much in your head and thinking all the time, that you let your head make all the choices instead of the heart.

That's how you end up with "just okay" love matches like this.

Are you in touch with what you really want?

Do you meditate?

Do you drink a lot of coffee? (Can cause head-heart dissociation)

Do you enjoy masturbating solo?

[zeroISinfinity]

You'll be fine. 

[NatureB]

21 is super young. I'm just a few years older, but looking back on when I was 21, it's like being a baby. Over time you'll come to know yourself more deeply and see that this relationship wasn't meant to last forever. Just use it to learn about yourself, and your next couple of relationships will be exponentially better.

For the immediate feelings, try journaling, meditating, talking it out, working out, etc.

[Leo Gura]

Break it off and don't feel guilty.

Yes, it will hurt both you and him, but it is the right thing to do and both of you will get over it.

[Hello from Russia]

Do you not enjoy sex only because of this herpes thing or because he is a shitty lover?

[StarStruck]

@somegirl how did you get to know him? And how is your relationship now compared to the beginning?

[somegirl]

On 3/19/2021 at 8:09 PM, flowboy said:

This is no way to have a relationship. Sex is an important part of it, and if you don't enjoy that, then find a person with whom you do.

My gut feeling is that you are so much in your head and thinking all the time, that you let your head make all the choices instead of the heart.

That's how you end up with "just okay" love matches like this.

Are you in touch with what you really want?

Do you meditate?

Do you drink a lot of coffee? (Can cause head-heart dissociation)

Do you enjoy masturbating solo?

I know. You're right. I mostly felt bad because he didn't do anything bad to me for me to hurt him like this.
I know what I want, I just need courage to do it.
I don't meditate, always postponing it.
I don't drink coffee. And yes.

 

On 3/19/2021 at 9:22 PM, NatureB said:

Just use it to learn about yourself, and your next couple of relationships will be exponentially better.

For the immediate feelings, try journaling, meditating, talking it out, working out, etc.

Yes, I will use this situation for that reason. Thanks so much.

@Leo Gura  Yeah, I feel it is the right thing to do, I just needed courage.

 

12 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

Do you not enjoy sex only because of this herpes thing or because he is a shitty lover?

Both. I was not that into it from the beginning thinking it will get better because I'm new to it, but it didn't get any more enjoyable and then on top of that we found out about the contition and it made my view on sex even worse. He is my first. 

 

6 hours ago, StarStruck said:

how did you get to know him? And how is your relationship now compared to the beginning?

We met at the club. So unexpected. My relationship with him was okay throughout the whole thing. He wasn't being destructive or toxic towards me. In the beginning I also felt kinda unsure how things will go because of age thing, but I gave it a shot to see if it's worth it and to see if my mind would change, but... Now it's the way I described above

Edited March 20, 2021 by somegirl

[Hello from Russia]

@somegirl Then just separate. If it really was worth the shot you could maybe have a second thought about it, but if sex is shit and he also has herpes on top of that - why would you continue dating this guy in such a scenario? He needs to cure himself and go read a few books on cunnilingus and other good stuff

[flowboy]

10 hours ago, somegirl said:

On 19-3-2021 at 8:09 PM, flowboy said:

This is no way to have a relationship. Sex is an important part of it, and if you don't enjoy that, then find a person with whom you do.

My gut feeling is that you are so much in your head and thinking all the time, that you let your head make all the choices instead of the heart.

That's how you end up with "just okay" love matches like this.

Are you in touch with what you really want?

Do you meditate?

Do you drink a lot of coffee? (Can cause head-heart dissociation)

Do you enjoy masturbating solo?

I know. You're right. I mostly felt bad because he didn't do anything bad to me for me to hurt him like this.
I know what I want, I just need courage to do it.
I don't meditate, always postponing it.
I don't drink coffee. And yes.

If you can enjoy sexuality on your own, and have orgasms and everything, then my guess is you just don't have the right match, or the sex would be good.

Sending you some courage!?

[somegirl]

@flowboy Thanks a lot!